Note: I do not own the copyrights to the "Simpsons" characters. This story was made in honor of the fiction it was based on, and done so without any intent to make money. May the respective owners not sue me.
WHEN ASSISTANTS LOVE THEIR BOSSES by Silvertide
"Who the devil is this?" asked Burns as he put the telephone receiver to his ear. "If this is another avaricious telemarketing alchemist trying to sell me queer love potions on the pretense of being an 'old friend', I will say again, leave me alone!"
At the doorway of the office, Smithers turned around and looked back at Burns. A hunched-backed silhouette was cast before a set of high windows reaching up to the ceiling of Burns' office. For years Mr. Smithers reached for an unlikely dream. For years Smithers worked slavishly and with dogged loyalty. For years Mr. Smithers was Mr. Burns' assistant. Then just minutes ago all hopes of his dreams shattered with a slap to the face and a crooked malicious cackling laugh from his cold hearted boss. How could Mr. Smithers and Mr. Burns ever be more than friends, when Burns thought of Smithers as nothing more than a mere employee? Smithers turned away from Burns and kept walking away, doing his best to hide his tears and sobs.
"Mr. Burns! It is so good to hear from you again! It has been so long." said a voice on the other end of the telephone line.
"So long? So long since when?" replied Burns.
"This is Mr. Kitchner, you remember me right?" asked the voice.
"You say your name is Kitchner? I don't know anybody named Kitchner, what are you blabbering about? What are you after? My money?"
"Don't you remember me? I- oh, that's right! You had special nickname for me, after you became my mentor while I was at Yale-"
"Wait! Kitchner? Yale? I'm starting to remember something... ah yes, I remember a young, promising lad at Yale named... Kitchy-boy!" exclaimed Burns.
"Ah, you do remember me!"
"Oh Kitchy-boy! It's been years. How have you been? Do you still go out on the town adulterating while the little lady at home is taking care of the baby? Last I heard, you were quite the ladies man... away from the old lady! Ha ha!" laughed Burns.
"Oh ho ho ho ho! That was more than twenty years, and five near-divorces ago. It's been a miracle that I've stayed married to the same evil, vicious, but utterly irresistible woman all these years."
"Twenty years? Has it really been that long?"
"Yes, and in that time I have made good use of all you taught me. Today I am the proud owner of a dozen coal powered power plants that makes me filthy rich while they make the air filthy dirty."
"Kitchy-boy, it sounds like everything is going rather splendid for you."
"Yes, it is, but I have a big favor to ask of you."
"What is it? Anything for an old friend... as long as it doesn't cost me anything."
"Ha ha ha! Old Mr. Burns, you are still a cheapskate when it comes to spending money on other people! Well, it concerns the little baby the old lady used to take care of when I was young enough to go enjoy myself around town." laughed the voice on the other end of the line.
"Well I don't know anything about babies... in fact I can't stand the little-"
"Oh, the little baby is all grown up now. She has grown to be a very attractive young lady, and she just recently graduated from college. I hope for her to run one of my plants some day and then carry on with all my holdings after I finally go to the great bosom bonanza in heaven."
"So you have an heir to carry on after you die. Very good. I should probably do the same thing... I'm at least twice your age, but every time I try to sire or hire an heir something goes horribly awry."
"Well, that is most unfortunate. I feel that before my daughter runs any of my enterprises, she should spend some time with you and learn from you as I did. I was surprised to find out you are still alive, I thought that my daughter might never have had the chance to gain wisdom from you as I did. Would you be willing to help me out?"
"Hm... I suppose I could help you, but I do have a power plant to run."
"Oh, she can join as a volunteer intern and help out as... an assistant perhaps?"
"I already have a very good assistant. Smithers has served me very well over the years and- wait, actually he performed quite poorly today. He customarily does bang-up work, but he was unusually insufficient this morning and created a big mess."
"Maybe my daughter could intern as an assistant to him, and while she makes up for his newly acquired incompetence, you can pass on words of wisdom to her."
"Actually, that's not a bad idea... very well. I'll do it, I'll have her be Smithers' assistant."
"Oh! Thank you very much, Mr. Burns. You will not regret this."
"When can I expect to see her?"
"She can come the beginning of next week."
"Good. Well, it has been good hearing from you, Kitchy-boy. I look forward to seeing a young, talented and promising future entrepreneur, just like one I met and mentored over twenty years ago at Yale."
"Well thank you very much Mr. Burns! I'll go tell my magnificent Mabel the good news right away!"
"Yes yes, go do that. I'll have Smithers tell you the details of how to get to my plant later. Goodbye now."
"Yes, thank you again. Goodbye Mr. Burns!"
The employees of the Springfield nuclear power plant had been used to hearing their boss, C. Montgomery Burns, yell at and scold them for not being excellent employees like Waylon Smithers. For years Mr. Smithers was an almost perfect assistant to Mr. Burns, but since the morning Burns told Smithers they were not friends, Smithers barely got any work done. Since almost a week after that one teary-eyed morning, Burns had been yelling at Smithers for being a lousy and incompetent personal assistant. Rumors of Mr. Smithers getting fired soon spread throughout the company. In a worker's break room during the beginning of the week, a trio of workers stood around a snack table discussing the important issues of the day.
"Gentlemen. Compatriots. Good friends. After much vigorous pondering this morning, I have arrived to the answer to one of mankind's most perplexing predicaments: 'Which is superior, jelly-filled doughnuts or chocolate-filled doughnuts?" declared a man holding up two doughnuts.
"Perplexing predica-what?" asked another worker standing around the snack table, "Why are you talking that way Homer?"
"What 'way' are you referring to good sir?" replied Homer.
"The way you're trying to sound smarter than you are by using big words."
"I was trying to set the mood for giving the answer to this long standing question. Lenny." replied Homer in annoyance.
The third worker at the break room table decided to join in the conversation. "Set the mood for a 'long standing question'? Homer, we just started eating chocolate-filled doughnuts last week. Before that you'd been eating jelly-filled ones for years."
"But Carl! The chocolate-filled ones taste so good, and the jelly ones taste so good too! It's really hard to decide which one to eat first." said Homer in reply.
"Leave it to Homer to make a big deal over eating doughnuts." Carl said to Lenny.
"Well, all Homer does is eat, sleep and drink beer. He should be the expert." said Lenny.
"That's right. And I have decided that the best choice between jelly-filled doughnuts and chocolate-filled doughnuts is-"
"Is what Homer?" asked Carl.
"You stopped talking before-"
Before Lenny could finish speaking, Homer put both of the two doughnuts in his hands into his mouth at the same time. While he was still chewing them, he mumbled with doughnut crumbs flying out of his mouth, "Both."
Lenny and Carl gave Homer a silent look, then Lenny turned to Carl and tried to change the subject, "So uh, Carl. Have you heard about how Burns is ready to fire Mr. Smithers any day now?"
"Oh yeah, I have. But I also heard that Burns might just demote him and hire a replacement." replied Carl.
"Smithers is going to get fired? He's the biggest brown noser in this company, how could he get fired?" asked Homer.
"You haven't heard?" asked Lenny.
"Last week Smithers went from being a grade A suck-up to a grade A screw-up." said Carl.
"Hey, I heard Burns hired somebody to intern as Smithers' assistant."
"Where'd you hear that from Lenny?" asked Homer.
"The secretary who works in front of Burns' big office told me during her coffee break. She said the new assistant would be coming in today." replied Lenny.
"Watch this new guy turn out to be a bigger suck-up than Smithers." laughed Carl.
"Yeah, Smithers should watch out. This new guy might end up taking his job." added Homer.
A young woman's voice interrupted the conversation. "Excuse me, but could somebody please tell me where Mr. Burns' office is?"
Homer and Carl looked toward the break room doorway. Lenny, without looking up from a doughnut he picked up off the snack table said, "Burns' office? Oh, just go all the way down the hall from this floor's elevator... or was it two lefts from the elevator upstairs? Hey Carl-"
As Lenny turned to Carl, he realized that his friend was not listening. Homer and Carl were staring at the snack room doorway with their mouths hanging open.
"What's wrong Carl? Why are you and Homer just standing there staring-"
Lenny went silent as he looked over at the doorway. There stood a woman with eyes like sparkling sapphires, hair golden as fields of wheat, a figure like an hourglass, and skin that glowed with perfect complexion. Descriptions of her beauty could have ran on for thousands of pages, but she was basically the most beautiful woman Homer, Lenny and Carl had ever seen in their lives. With their mouths hanging wide open, they just stared. Silently, with the woman wondering if she had said something wrong.
The woman broke the awkward silence with a confused look in her eye. "I'm sorry, was I bothering you? I'm just looking for Mr. Burns' office," the woman said apologetically. "Can one of you help me find-"
"Oh, I'll personally escort you to his office," offered Carl.
"I know a faster way to get to Burns' office, let me personally escort you. My name is Lenny by the way," said Lenny.
"Do you want a donut?" asked Homer as he held up a box of doughnuts.
"Don't mind Homer, he's married. I Carl, on the other hand, am very single and willing to escort you to Burns' office."
"Forget about Carl, I make more money than he does. Let me show you the way," said Lenny.
"Oh you guys don't need to escort me. All I need are some directions," said the woman.
All of a sudden, a man in a green coat and glasses came into the room interrupting the conversation. "What's going on in here?" asked the man. "Break ended more than five minutes ago. All of you should get back to your posts immediately."
Homer, Lenny and Carl groaned with disappointment saying, "Yes Mr. Smithers," and quickly left the room saying goodbye to the woman they just met, all hoping to see her again sometime in the future.
"These employees, always slacking off. I'm surprised Burns lets them keep their jobs." said Mr. Smithers to himself. He turned around surprised to see the woman still standing in the doorway behind him. "What are you still doing standing around? I said get to work."
"Oh I'm sorry. I'm new here, I have to report to someone named Mr. Burns, could you help me out?"
"A new employee? I don't remember Mr. Burns telling me about a new employee. I'll tell you what. I'll take you to see him right now," said Smithers.
"Oh thank you!" said the woman as she followed Mr. Smithers out the door.
As the two silently walked through the Springfield nuclear power plant, the eyes of the male employees followed the woman as she passed by. They stopped working just to gaze at her with their mouths hanging wide open. Some stopped what they were doing and followed Smithers and the woman. Mr. Smithers noticed the lack of work happening around him and told everyone to get back to work before he told Burns to start firing them. The train of admirers sulked back to their labors and left the two on their way.
"Wow, you must have a really high position around here. Everybody does what you tell them to," marveled the woman out loud. "And you're so well dressed with that green coat and purple bow tie. You look like my favorite character from a musical I saw a few months ago."
"Oh, thank you. What musical did you see?" asked Smithers, a little flattered.
"I saw this great romance comedy musical called, 'The Young Go-Getter', it was really good, but the story seemed an awful lot like an episode of the old Malibu Stacy cartoon."
"What old episode?" asked Smithers as his eyes lit up with added attention.
"Oh, you probably never saw it before, but it was the one where Malibu Stacy met this young business man and-"
"And fell love with him, but had to leave him after he told her he had no time for love?" interrupted Smithers with a smile.
"You saw it too? Wow, that's amazing! Are you a Malibu Stacy fan?" asked the woman excitedly.
"Yes, I have been for many years." replied Smithers.
"Wow! I am too! I never expected to meet another fan like this," said the woman as they turned around a corner.
"Well... same here."
"My name's Mabel, Mabel Kitchner. It's nice to meet you," said the woman.
"Well it's nice to meet you too. People around here call me Mr. Smithers, but you can call Waylon."
"Oh, nice to meet- wait, your name is Waylon Smithers? Are you the same Waylon Smithers who wrote 'The Many Faces of Malibu Stacy: An American Success Story'?"
"Why yes I am." replied a surprised Waylon Smithers.
"Oh my goodness! That's my favorite book! I'm a huge fan of Malibu Stacy, I run a fan website at www.bestdollintheworld.com and-"
"Did you say www.besdollintheworld.com? That's my favorite Malibu Stacy website! Do you know MSfan001?"
"Yeah! I'm MSfan001!" replied Mabel excitedly.
"I don't believe this!" exclaimed Smithers. "You write some of the best Internet articles on Malibu Stacy I have ever seen!"
"Really?" asked Mabel. "This is so unbelievable, I never would have thought two big fans like us would meet like this!"
Smithers smiled at Mabel and she smiled back as they walked down a long hallway towards a pair of massive doors. The two continued ranting about how great Malibu Stacy was and gushing about how much they had admired each other's fan writings until Waylon stopped at a large desk near the two huge doors. There was a woman sitting behind the desk with office supplies and a telephone scattered in front of her. She looked up at the two and said, "Hello, can I help you?"
"Who are you, and what are you doing sitting at this desk in front of Mr. Burns' office?" asked Smithers with a stern tone of voice.
"I'm Mr. Burns' new secretary" she replied. "Oh! You must be Waylon Smithers. My name is Andrea Giarrusso, and I'll be taking care of Mr. Burns' phone calls from now on."
"But, as Mr. Burns' personal assistant, that's my job." said a baffled Waylon.
"Really? Well I just started today and Mr. Burns told me that answering calls to him would be part of my job."
"What?!? He hired you without telling me... oh God, things have gotten worse than I thought," cried Waylon. "Do you do anything else other than answer the phone?"
"Mh-hm." nodded the secretary, making Waylon cringed with anxiety. "I also take messages and help set appointments for meeting him. I don't do much more than that."
"I see," said Waylon with a sigh of relief. He wondered why Burns never told him about this, but was relieved to find that she only took over his phone duties. Waylon looked over at his new friend, Mabel, noticing for the first time how absolutely beautiful she looked. Then he realized that she might have been hired to replace him. Jealousy began to run hot in his veins, but he kept his composure not letting his insecurity show and hoped that his new found friend would not become a new found rival.
"What's wrong?" asked Mabel sensing Waylon's darkened mood.
"It's nothing," replied Waylon. "We should get going. It was pleasure to meet you, Ms. Giarrusso."
"Oh, the pleasure was all mine."
Two gigantic wooden doors turned on massive hinges, opening the way to the head office where Mr. Burns awaited Waylon and Mabel. A long red carpet stretched from the doorway to a wide colossal desk, set in front of a wall of tall windows flanked by massive drapes. Behind the big desk sat the bony old man Mr. Burns, owner of the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant.
"Ah, Smithers. I was about to have Miss Giarrusso call for you," said Burns. "I have some important news."
"You never told me you planned to hire a new secretary," said Waylon.
"Oh I'm sorry. I must have forgotten, but then I don't have to tell my employees everything now. Who's that ravishing maiden you have there? Is she a new girlfriend?"
Waylon quivered as Burns used the word "employees", wishing he were more than just that. "This is a miss Mabel Kitchner. She claims that she is a new employee and that she was to report directly to you."
"Mabel Kitchner? Oh! You must be Kitchy-boy's daughter! My old friend told me you'd be here to intern as Smithers' new assistant."
"What? New- new assistant? Mr. Burns, you never told anything me about-"
"Smithers, calm down and stop acting like I'm firing you. After your recent inept performance as my personal assistant, a lightening of your workload might be just what you need."
"Mr. Burns, you don't have to hire extra help. I know my recent performance hasn't been what it used to be, but I can improve! Please just-"
"Smithers! Shut up. I have already made my final decision. Now Miss Kitchner, as for you..." said Burns as he stood up and walked over to Mabel.
"Yes?"
"Welcome to my plant," said Burns as he shook Mabel's hand. "Kitchy-boy told me you'll be running the family business someday, and he wanted me to educate you on what you need to know to be a big business tycoon."
"It is an honor to meet you Mr. Burns, my father has said so many good things about you."
"Well, it is my pleasure to meet you Miss Kitchner. And oh, you don't have to call me Mr. Burns, a lovely lady such as yourself can call me Monty. That's what my friends call me." said Burns with a wink.
"He never lets me call him Monty," Waylon quietly thought to himself.
"Tell me, Mabel- I can call you Mabel, correct?" asked Burns.
"Um, sure thing." said Mabel nervously.
"Mabel, why is a beautiful woman such as yourself interested in becoming a big power plant entrepreneur like me and your father? Do you have the same lust for wealth and power that we do?"
"Oh I'm only doing it because my father wants me to. I really want to get in the doll making industry, I'd absolutely love to work for the company that makes Malibu Stacy dolls."
"Malibu Stacy? I never heard of it."
"You never heard of Malibu Stacy? Mr. Burns, didn't Waylon ever tell you about Malibu Stacy before? He's as big a fan as I am."
"Oh yes! Malibu Stacy. I must have forgotten. Smithers, come over here."
"Yes Monty?"
"Don't yes Monty me, call me Mr. Burns. You're an employee, not my mother," scolded Burns. "And you're not a special friend either," said Burns as he looked at Mabel with a wink. "Now Smithers, I want you to show Mabel around the plant so she knows how things work around here. Come back here in few hours, and I'll begin telling Mabel all I know about how to be a great business man."
"Brilliant plan sir. You can count on me."
"And don't screw things up with her, like how you almost crashed my car this morning while you were driving me to the plant. Anymore bungling and I'll fire you. Do you understand?"
"Yes sir. Very good sir."
"Mabel. Could you please wait outside while I speak with Smithers privately? It's about his employment status with this company, nothing you need to hear."
"Okay. Um, sure thing," said Mabel with some worry for Waylon.
"Oh, don't call me Mr. Burns, call me Monty. I told you all my friends call me Monty."
Mabel stepped out the door and as they closed behind her she heard Burns begin yelling. She looked back and saw Waylon wincing just before the massive doors closed shut. With her ear pressed against the door, she heard most of what they said to each other. "...and then you accidentally freed the two radioactive gorillas in the basement! If Lenny and Carl hadn't recaptured them, the animal rights activists would have been all over us, demanding that we pay the filthy apes more than minimum wage!" screamed Burns.
"But sir, those hyper-intelligent gorillas were doing most of the calculations for-"
"Bah! If I wanted to pay them more than minimum wage, I would have actually hired somebody with a degree in nuclear physics instead of using experimental genius gorillas."
"But sir-"
"Don't 'but sir' me, Smithers! You levels of competence and bootlicking have been in a steady decline over the past week! You are very close to joining the unemployment line downtown."
"But sir-"
"What was that?"
"I mean- er, yes sir!"
"That's right. Now that you have lighter workload, you should be doing better work from now on. Listen. That fair lass Mabel, how much do you know about her? The two of you seemed to be getting along very well when you came in the door."
"We just met as I was coming up today sir."
"Good. I plan to woo her. She is quite the dish, as I am sure you have already noticed. While she assists you in your day-to-day duties, I want you to find out more about her so you can advise me on how best to court her."
"Didn't you say she was your friend's daughter, why don't you ask him for-'
"Oh, I can't ask Kitchy-boy for that kind of help. He might not like that I'm trying to woo her, it would be quite embarrassing if he found out what I'm planning to do."
"What exactly are you planning to do sir?"
"I plan to have some fun with a beautiful lady. I'm not looking for a relationship or anything like that, I just want to indulge my lust for that beautiful Mabel."
"How... roguish and conniving of you sir," said Smithers with pity for Mabel. "I hope she doesn't fall for Mr. Burns' charms, a sweet girl like her doesn't deserve that kind of treatment." Waylon thought to himself quietly.
"Hey, what are you doing?" asked a woman's voice.
"Huh? What?" asked Mabel as she took her ear off the door and turned around. Andrea Giarrusso stood behind her, holding a stack of folders. "Uh, nothing."
"Nothing? You're not spying on Mr. Burns, are you? Why was your ear pressed against the door like that?" asked Giarrusso.
"I was just-"
"Spying? I'm going to report this to the boss right now. You're going to be in a lot of trouble when he finds out you were up to no good."
"But I-"
Before Mabel could stammer out an excuse, the doors opened and Waylon stepped out of Burns' office, surprised to see an agitated Mabel. "What is going on here?" asked Waylon.
"When I was on my way to deliver these files, I caught this woman with her ear against those doors, listening in on the boss." said Giarrusso while Mabel stood silently mortified. "Mr. Burns will not like this when he hears about it."
"Miss Kitchner was not spying, she was checking the doors for termites like I asked her to." said Waylon.
"Checking for termites?" asked Giarruso.
"Yes, I heard scratching noises on the door as I went into Mr. Burns' office, and I asked her to check the door to see if there were termites inside."
"Well are there any termites, Miss Kitchner?" Giarruso asked Mabel.
"Um, no. The- The noises were from a mouse. It ran away, but I decided to double check so that's why you saw me with my ear to the door. I couldn't hear through the doors anyway, so I there was no way I could have been spying." stammered Mabel.
"Right. Checking for termites. I'll go deliver these reports to the boss now, so please excuse me." said Giarruso as she went into Burns' office.
When Andrea Giarruso was out of earshot, Mabel looked at Waylon and smiled. "I can't believe you lied for me!" Mabel suddenly embraced Waylon in her arms, then looked him straight in the eyes and said, "I don't know how I can repay you for this."
"W- What did you hear?" stammered Waylon. Nothing else came to his mind as he looked into her beautiful blue eyes and found himself wanting her arms wrapped around him forever.
"I- I heard Mr. Burns' plans. Don't worry. I'm used to being chased around by alot of guys, I won't fall for anything he tries with me." replied Mabel as she let go of Waylon, realizing that she might have hugged him for a little too long.
Waylon quietly sighed from relief as he silently thought to himself; "Good, if you ever did fall for him, Mr. Burns might love you back and he would never reciprocate the feelings I have for him."
"Do you think she'll say anything to Mr. Burns?"
"I certainly hope not."
The faint sound of Burns screaming could be heard through the closed doors. Waylon and Mabel put their ears to the door and listened. "How dare you!" exclaimed Burns. A woman's muffled voice replied and Burns screamed out "How dare you!" again. Mabel and Waylon pressed their ears against the door a little harder and they were able to hear what the woman was saying.
"But Mr. Burns," said Andrea Giarruso, "Aren't you concerned that this woman, Mabel Kitchner, was listening in on your private conversation with Mr. Smithers? What if she's actually a corporate spy who-"
"Cease your besmirching of that beautiful woman! She is the daughter of an old friend of mine, she can't possibly be a spy." replied Burns.
"But Mr. Burns-"
"Don't 'But Mr. Burns' me. Stop speaking ill of Mabel, or your first day working for me will be your last!"
"Very well. But if I prove right, don't forget that I warned you. Will there be anything else you need, Mr. Burns?"
"No, that will be all."
Andrea Giarruso swung open the doors of Burns' office, eyeing Waylon and Mabel walking away. The new secretary had a feeling they were listening in on her conversation with Mr. Burns, she just knew they were and she was sure they pretended not to look back at her as they walked off. Waylon looked back straight at Giarruso. She stared back with a vengeful glare. He continued walking down the long hallway, while Mabel tried to make cheerful small talk.
Over the next few weeks, Mabel helped Waylon with various assistant duties that Mr. Burns had for him, from making employee reviews, tucking in Burns when he went to sleep, to keeping the radioactive deformities in the local wildlife secret. With her help, Waylon got less complaints about his performance, although Mabel was doing more of the work itself. She was beginning to spend more time with Burns than Waylon did, but this did not make him too jealous, after all she was just working as an intern temporarily. During the time that the two spent together, they found that they had more in common than their mutual passion for Malibu Stacy dolls. They both had an interest in clothing fashions, loved the same kind of music, liked to watch daytime soap operas and when they were together, the two of them often laughed at the same things. Waylon found himself spending more and more time with Mabel outside of work. Most of it was spent over the phone, talking about whatever came to their minds for many long hours.
One early morning, Waylon was driving Burns to the power plant when the old man began a disturbing conversation. "Smithers. I have decided to ask Mabel's father if he'd be willing to let her work for me on a permanent basis."
Now Waylon liked Mabel. As friend. Outside of work he had nothing but good feelings towards her. But on the job, sometimes he felt a little jealous of the attention she received from Burns. In addition to her duties helping Burns as his personal assistant's assistant, she also spent extra time with him in special "mentoring sessions", where Burns went back and forth between telling her stories of all the evil things he did as a business man, and trying to seduce her with what little fiendish charms he had. Not letting his envy show, Waylon replied, "Are you sure she wants to work for you on a permanent basis, sir?
"Oh I'll try convincing her after I get her father's blessing first. I haven't been able to successfully woo her with my virile charms, but I'm sure if given enough time she will succumb to them soon enough." said Burns with a malevolent smile.
"And if she never falls for your charismatic advances?"
"Oh she will Smithers. She will. I'll make sure I have her one way or another."
"Have her for your love instead of as an employee?"
"No. Have her to satisfy my lust and have her as an employee at the same time."
"What?!?" exclaimed Waylon as he suddenly swerved off the road.
"Smithers! What are you doing?" cried Burns as the car suddenly tilted slightly to one side.
"I'm sorry sir. I just lost control for a second there." said Waylon as he regained control of the car.
"We almost crashed you dunderhead. How could you blunder like that? Are you becoming incompetent again like you were a few weeks ago?" scolded Burns.
"No sir."
"You had better not. Your service level has been quite adequate as of late, I'd hate to see you regress."
"I've been meaning to ask you sir, why haven't you reinstated my duties answering you phone? Why is that bit- I mean, why is that woman Andrea Giarrusso still your secretary for the phone? You don't get enough phone calls to justify the cost of keeping her around full time."
"Oh Andrea is such a joy to have around. She bootlicks just as good as you can and she's always telling me who I should fire. That woman always manages to pick the most fun to fire people."
"But everybody hates her, and I think she's plotting against me and Mabel. Giarrusso always gives us a hard time whenever we have to talk with her."
"Oh she already apologized for accidentally kicking you in the groin, which by the way was quite funny. And except for that time she accused Mabel of being a corporate spy, there have been no problems between her and that delectable dish of womanhood."
"And people have told me she says awful things about me and Mabel behind our backs."
"What sort of awful things?"
"She tells everyone that you and Mabel are having a secret affair and-"
"What's wrong with that? I wish I were having a secret affair with Mabel, but she's so resistant of my charms."
"As beautiful as you are sir, the way she describes it you makes Mabel look like a harlot who would get together with any man. Numerous male employees have made advances on her because of the rumors she spreads."
"Have any been successful?" asked Burns with widened eyes of worry.
"No sir but-"
"Well, then I have nothing to worry about."
"Don't you want to know what she's been saying about me, sir?"
"No, I don't care. Speak no more of this, I want to spend some quiet time with Bobo." said Burns as he took out a teddy bear and began hugging it.
What Burns said troubled Waylon, he hated how Burns wanted Mabel as a lover and he feared that she might replace him as Burns' assistant. Waylon's fondness for Mabel had grown over the past few weeks, he convinced himself he only liked her as a friend even though he thought about her as much as he thought about Burns. He liked her, but he could not help but feel jealous and threatened by her attention from Burns. Knowing she was at the plant temporarily kept Waylon from hating Mabel, but now he began to resent her. And then there was Andrea Giarrusso. For the past few weeks, Giarrusso had done everything she could to make life hard for the two. From snide remarks to difficult to prove sabotage of their assignments, Waylon and Mabel were under attack. Mabel always barely managed to cover up or make good excuses for the screwed up assignments Giarrusso undermined, but the two could never prove to Burns that Giarrusso was responsible for them. Even with all the complaints from the two, Burns still liked her.
After Waylon escorted Burns to his office, he went over to the work area Mabel was assigned to. With a pink hard hat on her head, she was overseeing the loading of barrels into a hazardous storage area. When she noticed Waylon she waved at him with a bright smile. "Waylon!" she cheerfully yelled out as she rushed over to him, giving him a hug.
"Hello to you too Mabel," said Waylon hugging back. He looked at her with a heavy heart, Waylon realized that he had to see her as a rival now. He thought of all that time he spent working his way up in the company and developing a relationship with Burns. Now a pretty young woman who had only been with the company a few short weeks threatened to take his job away. Burns never said it, but with the way he looked at her, it was not unlikely. Waylon began to seethe in rage and envy as he thought of how she was getting in his way of achieving his secret dream of being more than an employee. And more than a friend.
"Ow! You're hugging me too hard!" squeaked Mabel with a smile.
"Oh sorry," said Waylon as he let go.
"I had a really good time last night, I liked the musical you took me to." said Mabel.
"I had a good time too."
"Where did you say you heard about it from?"
"I read about it in 'Still In The Closet Magazine', it gave a really good review."
"I loved the happy ending where the boss and the secretary finally got married at the end. It was so sad at the beginning how her boss didn't love her like she loved him."
"Yes, it was very sad," said Waylon looking down to the ground.
"Is there something wrong? You look like there's something bothering you."
"No. No I'm fine."
"Come on, you can tell me. I know there's something on your mind."
"Well, I was wondering about you and Mr. Burns-"
"Burns? That evil old man? Please, don't even mention his name. All he ever does in his 'mentoring sessions' with me is brag about all the awful things he's done to people and try to seduce me. It's so gross. He's older than my dad and he thinks he has a chance of making me his girlfriend."
"Mr. Burns isn't all bad, he's just misunderstood. He's actually a great man if you really get to know him."
"You're always saying great things about him, but he looks like nothing more than a selfish jerk who loves being mean to people."
"He's not a bad person, he's actually quite brilliant and-"
"Brilliantly bad."
"Look, you don't know him like I do. If you spent years with him like I had, you would understand." said Waylon with a frown.
"What's to understand? He's evil and he's deluded you and my father. I don't see how he's a great business man. My father is twice the entrepreneur Burns is, I don't understand how-"
"How can you say that? Can't you see his radiant greatness? C. Montgomery Burns is-"
"A scrawny, vulture-nosed, dirty old-"
"Stop that! Don't you dare talk about Mr. Burns like that! He's an under-appreciated great man, how can you not see that?" said Waylon in a rage.
"He's evil, Waylon. I can't see how- oh my God," said Mabel with anger and then with regret. "I'm so sorry. We're fighting again."
"You're right Mabel, we are. I'm sorry too. I don't know what came over me." said Waylon with regret.
"This happens whenever we talk about Burns. I just- I just really, really don't like that man, and sometimes I forget how much you admire him."
"No, I'm the one who should be apologizing. I know that it's been hard for you to work here while he leers at you, hoping to have something he can never have."
"We usually get along so well. Until we start talking about Burns. He's getting more aggressive-"
"Has he-"
"No, nothing physical or threatening, he just spends more time giving me compliments and asking me to spend time with him outside of work. He still doesn't know that all those times I said that I was busy, I was really spending time with you."
"If your father wasn't you friend, he probably would have threatened to fire you by now."
"My father. He sent me here so that I would learn how to run a power plant better, he wants me to run the family business someday."
"You don't seem like the type to run this kind of business."
"What I really want to do is work for the Malibu Stacy company. Oh that would be a dream come true!"
"Did you know that he wants you to work here on a permanent basis?"
"No I didn't," said Mabel, "But I wouldn't mind spending more time with you, after all these weeks I have been here I have really grown fond of you."
"He wants you as an employee and a lover, Mabel."
"I see." said Mabel looking down.
"You're a good girl Mabel. As great a man as Mr. Burns is, the two of you don't belong together." said Waylon, silently thinking of someone else who would belong with Burns, a someone who has wanted to be with Burns for years.
"No. He's not right for me. I don't want to hurt your feelings, but I hate him. I hate looking at him. I hate hearing him talk. I hate how he takes up so much of your attention."
"Why would you hate my devotion to him?"
"It makes me jealous. I mean, um, I-" Mabel suddenly became very nervous. She felt that she said too much, she was not ready to tell Waylon how she really felt. Not just yet.
"He makes you jealous?" asked Waylon, not realizing how Mabel really felt about him.
"I mean- it's like this, see. He- um, how should I put this? I just like you so much as a friend that I wish more of the time we spent together was focused on sharing the things we love rather than you sometimes focusing on him."
"Oh I see. I've been talking about Mr. Burns too much. That's what you meant by jealousy." said Waylon, believing Mabel's lie.
Mabel looked into Waylon's eyes and thought silently to herself, "God. I love this man almost as much as I love Malibu Stacy. I've never met any man who has so much in common with me. I wish that Burns would just fall over and die so we could be together. Why do you like him so much? Burns must have tricked you somehow. That must be it. I hate Burns as much as I love you Waylon. After I find a way to get rid of your devotion to Burns, we'll run away together, and I'll have you all to myself." Mabel smiled.
Waylon smiled back and silently thought to himself, "You must be the most beautiful woman I have ever seen in my life. But you're not more beautiful than Mr. Burns, how could you compete with his fine white mane crowned around his regal scalp, perfect beauty marks, and irresistible eyes set in his wonderfully wrinkled face? As much as I like you as a friend, you're starting to get in between me and my dream. It's bad enough he doesn't consider me more than an employee, with you around taking up his attention I can't make him see me as more than that, and then see me as more than a friend. Like I see him. You make me feel so jealous, he's always talking about you now, but that's okay. After I find a way to get rid of you, I'll make him forget all about you and I can get back to making Burns mine."
In the office of Mr. C. Montgomery Burns, sat an old man behind a desk. A small stuffed bear sat on the desk and a small pile of files sat in front of the seated man. The room was quiet as the elderly gentleman read from the files. Sounds of high heels tapping on the floor broke the silence. Burns looked up and saw his secretary, Andrea Giarrusso standing before him.
"Andrea. What is it?" asked Burns.
The woman went around the desk and sat on Burns' lap. Stroking his bald head, she said, "Oh I was just sitting behind my desk and realized that I missed you. You don't get many phone calls, so I spend most of my time thinking of you."
"Maybe I could give you more to do, like uh, giving me more massages." replied Burns with a grin.
Andrea turned her face away from Burns and cringed. She turned her face back towards Burns and said "I was thinking that maybe you could give me more to do, like say, a higher position than just secretary?"
"Oh you ask me that all the time, with Smithers and Mabel around, I don't need to promote any more of the office employees. That would be a waste of money."
"Smithers is always saying I'm a waste of money. But we both know that's not true," said Giarrusso as she rubbed Burns' hair.
"Well there is just no more room for more personal assistants." replied Burns with a smile.
"Okay, but I just found out something you should know."
"I'm listening."
"You know how you told me that you're trying to make Mabel Kitchner your girlfriend?"
"Yes, go on."
"You know how she always refuses to see you outside of work because she's busy?"
"Yes."
"Have you ever noticed that Mr. Smithers happens to be busy at the same time she is?"
"What are you trying to say?"
"I overheard the two of them talking about what a great time they've been having outside of work. I think that Mr. Smithers is trying to seduce her behind your back."
"That double-crossing scoundrel. How dare he!" cursed Burns.
"None of the advice he gave you for wooing her has worked. Obviously he's been giving you bad advice so he could have Ms. Kitchner all for himself. It doesn't surprise me though. All the men here want her."
"This is very unlike him. He's been loyal to me for years, how could he do this?"
"He must have a crush on her or something. So, what are you going to do about this, boss?"
"I want to fire him."
"Can I get his job if you do?" asked Giarrusso enthusiastically.
"Well of course. You're just like Smithers when he first started working here, only more ruthless and thankfully more female." said Burns with a skittish smile. "But," said Burns losing his smile, "I can't fire him right away. He has been my best employee for years, I shouldn't rush into it."
"That sounds uncharacteristically merciful of you. Why no ruthless rush to fire him?"
"I want to make him suffer before I fire him. How dare he stand in the way of my plans!" squawked Burns.
"Yes that's the Monty I know." said Giarrusso with a smile.
"Now leave me. I wish to sit and plot against him in quiet."
"Very good sir." said Giarrusso as she got off Burns' lap and walked out of the room.
Burns looked toward the bear sitting on the table and said, "Oh Bobo. My faithful companion." Burns picked up the cherished stuffed bear and started talking to it, "Bobo. My best friend in the whole world. You would never betray me like Smithers, right? Realizing that he has betrayed me makes me hate him. You know what I do to people I hate, right Bobo? That's right. Make their lives a living hell so they'll be sorry they ever crossed C. Montgomery Burns! How dare he get in between me, and my selfish lust for that young flower of a woman, Mabel? What has gotten into him? Does he betray me because I only lust for her, instead of loving her like a good suitor should? Has Smithers fallen in love with her himself? Well, whatever is wrong with him I'll fire him. After I find a way to punish Smithers for wronging me, I'll fire him and Mabel will be mine."
WHEN ASSISTANTS LOVE THEIR BOSSES by Silvertide
"Who the devil is this?" asked Burns as he put the telephone receiver to his ear. "If this is another avaricious telemarketing alchemist trying to sell me queer love potions on the pretense of being an 'old friend', I will say again, leave me alone!"
At the doorway of the office, Smithers turned around and looked back at Burns. A hunched-backed silhouette was cast before a set of high windows reaching up to the ceiling of Burns' office. For years Mr. Smithers reached for an unlikely dream. For years Smithers worked slavishly and with dogged loyalty. For years Mr. Smithers was Mr. Burns' assistant. Then just minutes ago all hopes of his dreams shattered with a slap to the face and a crooked malicious cackling laugh from his cold hearted boss. How could Mr. Smithers and Mr. Burns ever be more than friends, when Burns thought of Smithers as nothing more than a mere employee? Smithers turned away from Burns and kept walking away, doing his best to hide his tears and sobs.
"Mr. Burns! It is so good to hear from you again! It has been so long." said a voice on the other end of the telephone line.
"So long? So long since when?" replied Burns.
"This is Mr. Kitchner, you remember me right?" asked the voice.
"You say your name is Kitchner? I don't know anybody named Kitchner, what are you blabbering about? What are you after? My money?"
"Don't you remember me? I- oh, that's right! You had special nickname for me, after you became my mentor while I was at Yale-"
"Wait! Kitchner? Yale? I'm starting to remember something... ah yes, I remember a young, promising lad at Yale named... Kitchy-boy!" exclaimed Burns.
"Ah, you do remember me!"
"Oh Kitchy-boy! It's been years. How have you been? Do you still go out on the town adulterating while the little lady at home is taking care of the baby? Last I heard, you were quite the ladies man... away from the old lady! Ha ha!" laughed Burns.
"Oh ho ho ho ho! That was more than twenty years, and five near-divorces ago. It's been a miracle that I've stayed married to the same evil, vicious, but utterly irresistible woman all these years."
"Twenty years? Has it really been that long?"
"Yes, and in that time I have made good use of all you taught me. Today I am the proud owner of a dozen coal powered power plants that makes me filthy rich while they make the air filthy dirty."
"Kitchy-boy, it sounds like everything is going rather splendid for you."
"Yes, it is, but I have a big favor to ask of you."
"What is it? Anything for an old friend... as long as it doesn't cost me anything."
"Ha ha ha! Old Mr. Burns, you are still a cheapskate when it comes to spending money on other people! Well, it concerns the little baby the old lady used to take care of when I was young enough to go enjoy myself around town." laughed the voice on the other end of the line.
"Well I don't know anything about babies... in fact I can't stand the little-"
"Oh, the little baby is all grown up now. She has grown to be a very attractive young lady, and she just recently graduated from college. I hope for her to run one of my plants some day and then carry on with all my holdings after I finally go to the great bosom bonanza in heaven."
"So you have an heir to carry on after you die. Very good. I should probably do the same thing... I'm at least twice your age, but every time I try to sire or hire an heir something goes horribly awry."
"Well, that is most unfortunate. I feel that before my daughter runs any of my enterprises, she should spend some time with you and learn from you as I did. I was surprised to find out you are still alive, I thought that my daughter might never have had the chance to gain wisdom from you as I did. Would you be willing to help me out?"
"Hm... I suppose I could help you, but I do have a power plant to run."
"Oh, she can join as a volunteer intern and help out as... an assistant perhaps?"
"I already have a very good assistant. Smithers has served me very well over the years and- wait, actually he performed quite poorly today. He customarily does bang-up work, but he was unusually insufficient this morning and created a big mess."
"Maybe my daughter could intern as an assistant to him, and while she makes up for his newly acquired incompetence, you can pass on words of wisdom to her."
"Actually, that's not a bad idea... very well. I'll do it, I'll have her be Smithers' assistant."
"Oh! Thank you very much, Mr. Burns. You will not regret this."
"When can I expect to see her?"
"She can come the beginning of next week."
"Good. Well, it has been good hearing from you, Kitchy-boy. I look forward to seeing a young, talented and promising future entrepreneur, just like one I met and mentored over twenty years ago at Yale."
"Well thank you very much Mr. Burns! I'll go tell my magnificent Mabel the good news right away!"
"Yes yes, go do that. I'll have Smithers tell you the details of how to get to my plant later. Goodbye now."
"Yes, thank you again. Goodbye Mr. Burns!"
The employees of the Springfield nuclear power plant had been used to hearing their boss, C. Montgomery Burns, yell at and scold them for not being excellent employees like Waylon Smithers. For years Mr. Smithers was an almost perfect assistant to Mr. Burns, but since the morning Burns told Smithers they were not friends, Smithers barely got any work done. Since almost a week after that one teary-eyed morning, Burns had been yelling at Smithers for being a lousy and incompetent personal assistant. Rumors of Mr. Smithers getting fired soon spread throughout the company. In a worker's break room during the beginning of the week, a trio of workers stood around a snack table discussing the important issues of the day.
"Gentlemen. Compatriots. Good friends. After much vigorous pondering this morning, I have arrived to the answer to one of mankind's most perplexing predicaments: 'Which is superior, jelly-filled doughnuts or chocolate-filled doughnuts?" declared a man holding up two doughnuts.
"Perplexing predica-what?" asked another worker standing around the snack table, "Why are you talking that way Homer?"
"What 'way' are you referring to good sir?" replied Homer.
"The way you're trying to sound smarter than you are by using big words."
"I was trying to set the mood for giving the answer to this long standing question. Lenny." replied Homer in annoyance.
The third worker at the break room table decided to join in the conversation. "Set the mood for a 'long standing question'? Homer, we just started eating chocolate-filled doughnuts last week. Before that you'd been eating jelly-filled ones for years."
"But Carl! The chocolate-filled ones taste so good, and the jelly ones taste so good too! It's really hard to decide which one to eat first." said Homer in reply.
"Leave it to Homer to make a big deal over eating doughnuts." Carl said to Lenny.
"Well, all Homer does is eat, sleep and drink beer. He should be the expert." said Lenny.
"That's right. And I have decided that the best choice between jelly-filled doughnuts and chocolate-filled doughnuts is-"
"Is what Homer?" asked Carl.
"You stopped talking before-"
Before Lenny could finish speaking, Homer put both of the two doughnuts in his hands into his mouth at the same time. While he was still chewing them, he mumbled with doughnut crumbs flying out of his mouth, "Both."
Lenny and Carl gave Homer a silent look, then Lenny turned to Carl and tried to change the subject, "So uh, Carl. Have you heard about how Burns is ready to fire Mr. Smithers any day now?"
"Oh yeah, I have. But I also heard that Burns might just demote him and hire a replacement." replied Carl.
"Smithers is going to get fired? He's the biggest brown noser in this company, how could he get fired?" asked Homer.
"You haven't heard?" asked Lenny.
"Last week Smithers went from being a grade A suck-up to a grade A screw-up." said Carl.
"Hey, I heard Burns hired somebody to intern as Smithers' assistant."
"Where'd you hear that from Lenny?" asked Homer.
"The secretary who works in front of Burns' big office told me during her coffee break. She said the new assistant would be coming in today." replied Lenny.
"Watch this new guy turn out to be a bigger suck-up than Smithers." laughed Carl.
"Yeah, Smithers should watch out. This new guy might end up taking his job." added Homer.
A young woman's voice interrupted the conversation. "Excuse me, but could somebody please tell me where Mr. Burns' office is?"
Homer and Carl looked toward the break room doorway. Lenny, without looking up from a doughnut he picked up off the snack table said, "Burns' office? Oh, just go all the way down the hall from this floor's elevator... or was it two lefts from the elevator upstairs? Hey Carl-"
As Lenny turned to Carl, he realized that his friend was not listening. Homer and Carl were staring at the snack room doorway with their mouths hanging open.
"What's wrong Carl? Why are you and Homer just standing there staring-"
Lenny went silent as he looked over at the doorway. There stood a woman with eyes like sparkling sapphires, hair golden as fields of wheat, a figure like an hourglass, and skin that glowed with perfect complexion. Descriptions of her beauty could have ran on for thousands of pages, but she was basically the most beautiful woman Homer, Lenny and Carl had ever seen in their lives. With their mouths hanging wide open, they just stared. Silently, with the woman wondering if she had said something wrong.
The woman broke the awkward silence with a confused look in her eye. "I'm sorry, was I bothering you? I'm just looking for Mr. Burns' office," the woman said apologetically. "Can one of you help me find-"
"Oh, I'll personally escort you to his office," offered Carl.
"I know a faster way to get to Burns' office, let me personally escort you. My name is Lenny by the way," said Lenny.
"Do you want a donut?" asked Homer as he held up a box of doughnuts.
"Don't mind Homer, he's married. I Carl, on the other hand, am very single and willing to escort you to Burns' office."
"Forget about Carl, I make more money than he does. Let me show you the way," said Lenny.
"Oh you guys don't need to escort me. All I need are some directions," said the woman.
All of a sudden, a man in a green coat and glasses came into the room interrupting the conversation. "What's going on in here?" asked the man. "Break ended more than five minutes ago. All of you should get back to your posts immediately."
Homer, Lenny and Carl groaned with disappointment saying, "Yes Mr. Smithers," and quickly left the room saying goodbye to the woman they just met, all hoping to see her again sometime in the future.
"These employees, always slacking off. I'm surprised Burns lets them keep their jobs." said Mr. Smithers to himself. He turned around surprised to see the woman still standing in the doorway behind him. "What are you still doing standing around? I said get to work."
"Oh I'm sorry. I'm new here, I have to report to someone named Mr. Burns, could you help me out?"
"A new employee? I don't remember Mr. Burns telling me about a new employee. I'll tell you what. I'll take you to see him right now," said Smithers.
"Oh thank you!" said the woman as she followed Mr. Smithers out the door.
As the two silently walked through the Springfield nuclear power plant, the eyes of the male employees followed the woman as she passed by. They stopped working just to gaze at her with their mouths hanging wide open. Some stopped what they were doing and followed Smithers and the woman. Mr. Smithers noticed the lack of work happening around him and told everyone to get back to work before he told Burns to start firing them. The train of admirers sulked back to their labors and left the two on their way.
"Wow, you must have a really high position around here. Everybody does what you tell them to," marveled the woman out loud. "And you're so well dressed with that green coat and purple bow tie. You look like my favorite character from a musical I saw a few months ago."
"Oh, thank you. What musical did you see?" asked Smithers, a little flattered.
"I saw this great romance comedy musical called, 'The Young Go-Getter', it was really good, but the story seemed an awful lot like an episode of the old Malibu Stacy cartoon."
"What old episode?" asked Smithers as his eyes lit up with added attention.
"Oh, you probably never saw it before, but it was the one where Malibu Stacy met this young business man and-"
"And fell love with him, but had to leave him after he told her he had no time for love?" interrupted Smithers with a smile.
"You saw it too? Wow, that's amazing! Are you a Malibu Stacy fan?" asked the woman excitedly.
"Yes, I have been for many years." replied Smithers.
"Wow! I am too! I never expected to meet another fan like this," said the woman as they turned around a corner.
"Well... same here."
"My name's Mabel, Mabel Kitchner. It's nice to meet you," said the woman.
"Well it's nice to meet you too. People around here call me Mr. Smithers, but you can call Waylon."
"Oh, nice to meet- wait, your name is Waylon Smithers? Are you the same Waylon Smithers who wrote 'The Many Faces of Malibu Stacy: An American Success Story'?"
"Why yes I am." replied a surprised Waylon Smithers.
"Oh my goodness! That's my favorite book! I'm a huge fan of Malibu Stacy, I run a fan website at www.bestdollintheworld.com and-"
"Did you say www.besdollintheworld.com? That's my favorite Malibu Stacy website! Do you know MSfan001?"
"Yeah! I'm MSfan001!" replied Mabel excitedly.
"I don't believe this!" exclaimed Smithers. "You write some of the best Internet articles on Malibu Stacy I have ever seen!"
"Really?" asked Mabel. "This is so unbelievable, I never would have thought two big fans like us would meet like this!"
Smithers smiled at Mabel and she smiled back as they walked down a long hallway towards a pair of massive doors. The two continued ranting about how great Malibu Stacy was and gushing about how much they had admired each other's fan writings until Waylon stopped at a large desk near the two huge doors. There was a woman sitting behind the desk with office supplies and a telephone scattered in front of her. She looked up at the two and said, "Hello, can I help you?"
"Who are you, and what are you doing sitting at this desk in front of Mr. Burns' office?" asked Smithers with a stern tone of voice.
"I'm Mr. Burns' new secretary" she replied. "Oh! You must be Waylon Smithers. My name is Andrea Giarrusso, and I'll be taking care of Mr. Burns' phone calls from now on."
"But, as Mr. Burns' personal assistant, that's my job." said a baffled Waylon.
"Really? Well I just started today and Mr. Burns told me that answering calls to him would be part of my job."
"What?!? He hired you without telling me... oh God, things have gotten worse than I thought," cried Waylon. "Do you do anything else other than answer the phone?"
"Mh-hm." nodded the secretary, making Waylon cringed with anxiety. "I also take messages and help set appointments for meeting him. I don't do much more than that."
"I see," said Waylon with a sigh of relief. He wondered why Burns never told him about this, but was relieved to find that she only took over his phone duties. Waylon looked over at his new friend, Mabel, noticing for the first time how absolutely beautiful she looked. Then he realized that she might have been hired to replace him. Jealousy began to run hot in his veins, but he kept his composure not letting his insecurity show and hoped that his new found friend would not become a new found rival.
"What's wrong?" asked Mabel sensing Waylon's darkened mood.
"It's nothing," replied Waylon. "We should get going. It was pleasure to meet you, Ms. Giarrusso."
"Oh, the pleasure was all mine."
Two gigantic wooden doors turned on massive hinges, opening the way to the head office where Mr. Burns awaited Waylon and Mabel. A long red carpet stretched from the doorway to a wide colossal desk, set in front of a wall of tall windows flanked by massive drapes. Behind the big desk sat the bony old man Mr. Burns, owner of the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant.
"Ah, Smithers. I was about to have Miss Giarrusso call for you," said Burns. "I have some important news."
"You never told me you planned to hire a new secretary," said Waylon.
"Oh I'm sorry. I must have forgotten, but then I don't have to tell my employees everything now. Who's that ravishing maiden you have there? Is she a new girlfriend?"
Waylon quivered as Burns used the word "employees", wishing he were more than just that. "This is a miss Mabel Kitchner. She claims that she is a new employee and that she was to report directly to you."
"Mabel Kitchner? Oh! You must be Kitchy-boy's daughter! My old friend told me you'd be here to intern as Smithers' new assistant."
"What? New- new assistant? Mr. Burns, you never told anything me about-"
"Smithers, calm down and stop acting like I'm firing you. After your recent inept performance as my personal assistant, a lightening of your workload might be just what you need."
"Mr. Burns, you don't have to hire extra help. I know my recent performance hasn't been what it used to be, but I can improve! Please just-"
"Smithers! Shut up. I have already made my final decision. Now Miss Kitchner, as for you..." said Burns as he stood up and walked over to Mabel.
"Yes?"
"Welcome to my plant," said Burns as he shook Mabel's hand. "Kitchy-boy told me you'll be running the family business someday, and he wanted me to educate you on what you need to know to be a big business tycoon."
"It is an honor to meet you Mr. Burns, my father has said so many good things about you."
"Well, it is my pleasure to meet you Miss Kitchner. And oh, you don't have to call me Mr. Burns, a lovely lady such as yourself can call me Monty. That's what my friends call me." said Burns with a wink.
"He never lets me call him Monty," Waylon quietly thought to himself.
"Tell me, Mabel- I can call you Mabel, correct?" asked Burns.
"Um, sure thing." said Mabel nervously.
"Mabel, why is a beautiful woman such as yourself interested in becoming a big power plant entrepreneur like me and your father? Do you have the same lust for wealth and power that we do?"
"Oh I'm only doing it because my father wants me to. I really want to get in the doll making industry, I'd absolutely love to work for the company that makes Malibu Stacy dolls."
"Malibu Stacy? I never heard of it."
"You never heard of Malibu Stacy? Mr. Burns, didn't Waylon ever tell you about Malibu Stacy before? He's as big a fan as I am."
"Oh yes! Malibu Stacy. I must have forgotten. Smithers, come over here."
"Yes Monty?"
"Don't yes Monty me, call me Mr. Burns. You're an employee, not my mother," scolded Burns. "And you're not a special friend either," said Burns as he looked at Mabel with a wink. "Now Smithers, I want you to show Mabel around the plant so she knows how things work around here. Come back here in few hours, and I'll begin telling Mabel all I know about how to be a great business man."
"Brilliant plan sir. You can count on me."
"And don't screw things up with her, like how you almost crashed my car this morning while you were driving me to the plant. Anymore bungling and I'll fire you. Do you understand?"
"Yes sir. Very good sir."
"Mabel. Could you please wait outside while I speak with Smithers privately? It's about his employment status with this company, nothing you need to hear."
"Okay. Um, sure thing," said Mabel with some worry for Waylon.
"Oh, don't call me Mr. Burns, call me Monty. I told you all my friends call me Monty."
Mabel stepped out the door and as they closed behind her she heard Burns begin yelling. She looked back and saw Waylon wincing just before the massive doors closed shut. With her ear pressed against the door, she heard most of what they said to each other. "...and then you accidentally freed the two radioactive gorillas in the basement! If Lenny and Carl hadn't recaptured them, the animal rights activists would have been all over us, demanding that we pay the filthy apes more than minimum wage!" screamed Burns.
"But sir, those hyper-intelligent gorillas were doing most of the calculations for-"
"Bah! If I wanted to pay them more than minimum wage, I would have actually hired somebody with a degree in nuclear physics instead of using experimental genius gorillas."
"But sir-"
"Don't 'but sir' me, Smithers! You levels of competence and bootlicking have been in a steady decline over the past week! You are very close to joining the unemployment line downtown."
"But sir-"
"What was that?"
"I mean- er, yes sir!"
"That's right. Now that you have lighter workload, you should be doing better work from now on. Listen. That fair lass Mabel, how much do you know about her? The two of you seemed to be getting along very well when you came in the door."
"We just met as I was coming up today sir."
"Good. I plan to woo her. She is quite the dish, as I am sure you have already noticed. While she assists you in your day-to-day duties, I want you to find out more about her so you can advise me on how best to court her."
"Didn't you say she was your friend's daughter, why don't you ask him for-'
"Oh, I can't ask Kitchy-boy for that kind of help. He might not like that I'm trying to woo her, it would be quite embarrassing if he found out what I'm planning to do."
"What exactly are you planning to do sir?"
"I plan to have some fun with a beautiful lady. I'm not looking for a relationship or anything like that, I just want to indulge my lust for that beautiful Mabel."
"How... roguish and conniving of you sir," said Smithers with pity for Mabel. "I hope she doesn't fall for Mr. Burns' charms, a sweet girl like her doesn't deserve that kind of treatment." Waylon thought to himself quietly.
"Hey, what are you doing?" asked a woman's voice.
"Huh? What?" asked Mabel as she took her ear off the door and turned around. Andrea Giarrusso stood behind her, holding a stack of folders. "Uh, nothing."
"Nothing? You're not spying on Mr. Burns, are you? Why was your ear pressed against the door like that?" asked Giarrusso.
"I was just-"
"Spying? I'm going to report this to the boss right now. You're going to be in a lot of trouble when he finds out you were up to no good."
"But I-"
Before Mabel could stammer out an excuse, the doors opened and Waylon stepped out of Burns' office, surprised to see an agitated Mabel. "What is going on here?" asked Waylon.
"When I was on my way to deliver these files, I caught this woman with her ear against those doors, listening in on the boss." said Giarrusso while Mabel stood silently mortified. "Mr. Burns will not like this when he hears about it."
"Miss Kitchner was not spying, she was checking the doors for termites like I asked her to." said Waylon.
"Checking for termites?" asked Giarruso.
"Yes, I heard scratching noises on the door as I went into Mr. Burns' office, and I asked her to check the door to see if there were termites inside."
"Well are there any termites, Miss Kitchner?" Giarruso asked Mabel.
"Um, no. The- The noises were from a mouse. It ran away, but I decided to double check so that's why you saw me with my ear to the door. I couldn't hear through the doors anyway, so I there was no way I could have been spying." stammered Mabel.
"Right. Checking for termites. I'll go deliver these reports to the boss now, so please excuse me." said Giarruso as she went into Burns' office.
When Andrea Giarruso was out of earshot, Mabel looked at Waylon and smiled. "I can't believe you lied for me!" Mabel suddenly embraced Waylon in her arms, then looked him straight in the eyes and said, "I don't know how I can repay you for this."
"W- What did you hear?" stammered Waylon. Nothing else came to his mind as he looked into her beautiful blue eyes and found himself wanting her arms wrapped around him forever.
"I- I heard Mr. Burns' plans. Don't worry. I'm used to being chased around by alot of guys, I won't fall for anything he tries with me." replied Mabel as she let go of Waylon, realizing that she might have hugged him for a little too long.
Waylon quietly sighed from relief as he silently thought to himself; "Good, if you ever did fall for him, Mr. Burns might love you back and he would never reciprocate the feelings I have for him."
"Do you think she'll say anything to Mr. Burns?"
"I certainly hope not."
The faint sound of Burns screaming could be heard through the closed doors. Waylon and Mabel put their ears to the door and listened. "How dare you!" exclaimed Burns. A woman's muffled voice replied and Burns screamed out "How dare you!" again. Mabel and Waylon pressed their ears against the door a little harder and they were able to hear what the woman was saying.
"But Mr. Burns," said Andrea Giarruso, "Aren't you concerned that this woman, Mabel Kitchner, was listening in on your private conversation with Mr. Smithers? What if she's actually a corporate spy who-"
"Cease your besmirching of that beautiful woman! She is the daughter of an old friend of mine, she can't possibly be a spy." replied Burns.
"But Mr. Burns-"
"Don't 'But Mr. Burns' me. Stop speaking ill of Mabel, or your first day working for me will be your last!"
"Very well. But if I prove right, don't forget that I warned you. Will there be anything else you need, Mr. Burns?"
"No, that will be all."
Andrea Giarruso swung open the doors of Burns' office, eyeing Waylon and Mabel walking away. The new secretary had a feeling they were listening in on her conversation with Mr. Burns, she just knew they were and she was sure they pretended not to look back at her as they walked off. Waylon looked back straight at Giarruso. She stared back with a vengeful glare. He continued walking down the long hallway, while Mabel tried to make cheerful small talk.
Over the next few weeks, Mabel helped Waylon with various assistant duties that Mr. Burns had for him, from making employee reviews, tucking in Burns when he went to sleep, to keeping the radioactive deformities in the local wildlife secret. With her help, Waylon got less complaints about his performance, although Mabel was doing more of the work itself. She was beginning to spend more time with Burns than Waylon did, but this did not make him too jealous, after all she was just working as an intern temporarily. During the time that the two spent together, they found that they had more in common than their mutual passion for Malibu Stacy dolls. They both had an interest in clothing fashions, loved the same kind of music, liked to watch daytime soap operas and when they were together, the two of them often laughed at the same things. Waylon found himself spending more and more time with Mabel outside of work. Most of it was spent over the phone, talking about whatever came to their minds for many long hours.
One early morning, Waylon was driving Burns to the power plant when the old man began a disturbing conversation. "Smithers. I have decided to ask Mabel's father if he'd be willing to let her work for me on a permanent basis."
Now Waylon liked Mabel. As friend. Outside of work he had nothing but good feelings towards her. But on the job, sometimes he felt a little jealous of the attention she received from Burns. In addition to her duties helping Burns as his personal assistant's assistant, she also spent extra time with him in special "mentoring sessions", where Burns went back and forth between telling her stories of all the evil things he did as a business man, and trying to seduce her with what little fiendish charms he had. Not letting his envy show, Waylon replied, "Are you sure she wants to work for you on a permanent basis, sir?
"Oh I'll try convincing her after I get her father's blessing first. I haven't been able to successfully woo her with my virile charms, but I'm sure if given enough time she will succumb to them soon enough." said Burns with a malevolent smile.
"And if she never falls for your charismatic advances?"
"Oh she will Smithers. She will. I'll make sure I have her one way or another."
"Have her for your love instead of as an employee?"
"No. Have her to satisfy my lust and have her as an employee at the same time."
"What?!?" exclaimed Waylon as he suddenly swerved off the road.
"Smithers! What are you doing?" cried Burns as the car suddenly tilted slightly to one side.
"I'm sorry sir. I just lost control for a second there." said Waylon as he regained control of the car.
"We almost crashed you dunderhead. How could you blunder like that? Are you becoming incompetent again like you were a few weeks ago?" scolded Burns.
"No sir."
"You had better not. Your service level has been quite adequate as of late, I'd hate to see you regress."
"I've been meaning to ask you sir, why haven't you reinstated my duties answering you phone? Why is that bit- I mean, why is that woman Andrea Giarrusso still your secretary for the phone? You don't get enough phone calls to justify the cost of keeping her around full time."
"Oh Andrea is such a joy to have around. She bootlicks just as good as you can and she's always telling me who I should fire. That woman always manages to pick the most fun to fire people."
"But everybody hates her, and I think she's plotting against me and Mabel. Giarrusso always gives us a hard time whenever we have to talk with her."
"Oh she already apologized for accidentally kicking you in the groin, which by the way was quite funny. And except for that time she accused Mabel of being a corporate spy, there have been no problems between her and that delectable dish of womanhood."
"And people have told me she says awful things about me and Mabel behind our backs."
"What sort of awful things?"
"She tells everyone that you and Mabel are having a secret affair and-"
"What's wrong with that? I wish I were having a secret affair with Mabel, but she's so resistant of my charms."
"As beautiful as you are sir, the way she describes it you makes Mabel look like a harlot who would get together with any man. Numerous male employees have made advances on her because of the rumors she spreads."
"Have any been successful?" asked Burns with widened eyes of worry.
"No sir but-"
"Well, then I have nothing to worry about."
"Don't you want to know what she's been saying about me, sir?"
"No, I don't care. Speak no more of this, I want to spend some quiet time with Bobo." said Burns as he took out a teddy bear and began hugging it.
What Burns said troubled Waylon, he hated how Burns wanted Mabel as a lover and he feared that she might replace him as Burns' assistant. Waylon's fondness for Mabel had grown over the past few weeks, he convinced himself he only liked her as a friend even though he thought about her as much as he thought about Burns. He liked her, but he could not help but feel jealous and threatened by her attention from Burns. Knowing she was at the plant temporarily kept Waylon from hating Mabel, but now he began to resent her. And then there was Andrea Giarrusso. For the past few weeks, Giarrusso had done everything she could to make life hard for the two. From snide remarks to difficult to prove sabotage of their assignments, Waylon and Mabel were under attack. Mabel always barely managed to cover up or make good excuses for the screwed up assignments Giarrusso undermined, but the two could never prove to Burns that Giarrusso was responsible for them. Even with all the complaints from the two, Burns still liked her.
After Waylon escorted Burns to his office, he went over to the work area Mabel was assigned to. With a pink hard hat on her head, she was overseeing the loading of barrels into a hazardous storage area. When she noticed Waylon she waved at him with a bright smile. "Waylon!" she cheerfully yelled out as she rushed over to him, giving him a hug.
"Hello to you too Mabel," said Waylon hugging back. He looked at her with a heavy heart, Waylon realized that he had to see her as a rival now. He thought of all that time he spent working his way up in the company and developing a relationship with Burns. Now a pretty young woman who had only been with the company a few short weeks threatened to take his job away. Burns never said it, but with the way he looked at her, it was not unlikely. Waylon began to seethe in rage and envy as he thought of how she was getting in his way of achieving his secret dream of being more than an employee. And more than a friend.
"Ow! You're hugging me too hard!" squeaked Mabel with a smile.
"Oh sorry," said Waylon as he let go.
"I had a really good time last night, I liked the musical you took me to." said Mabel.
"I had a good time too."
"Where did you say you heard about it from?"
"I read about it in 'Still In The Closet Magazine', it gave a really good review."
"I loved the happy ending where the boss and the secretary finally got married at the end. It was so sad at the beginning how her boss didn't love her like she loved him."
"Yes, it was very sad," said Waylon looking down to the ground.
"Is there something wrong? You look like there's something bothering you."
"No. No I'm fine."
"Come on, you can tell me. I know there's something on your mind."
"Well, I was wondering about you and Mr. Burns-"
"Burns? That evil old man? Please, don't even mention his name. All he ever does in his 'mentoring sessions' with me is brag about all the awful things he's done to people and try to seduce me. It's so gross. He's older than my dad and he thinks he has a chance of making me his girlfriend."
"Mr. Burns isn't all bad, he's just misunderstood. He's actually a great man if you really get to know him."
"You're always saying great things about him, but he looks like nothing more than a selfish jerk who loves being mean to people."
"He's not a bad person, he's actually quite brilliant and-"
"Brilliantly bad."
"Look, you don't know him like I do. If you spent years with him like I had, you would understand." said Waylon with a frown.
"What's to understand? He's evil and he's deluded you and my father. I don't see how he's a great business man. My father is twice the entrepreneur Burns is, I don't understand how-"
"How can you say that? Can't you see his radiant greatness? C. Montgomery Burns is-"
"A scrawny, vulture-nosed, dirty old-"
"Stop that! Don't you dare talk about Mr. Burns like that! He's an under-appreciated great man, how can you not see that?" said Waylon in a rage.
"He's evil, Waylon. I can't see how- oh my God," said Mabel with anger and then with regret. "I'm so sorry. We're fighting again."
"You're right Mabel, we are. I'm sorry too. I don't know what came over me." said Waylon with regret.
"This happens whenever we talk about Burns. I just- I just really, really don't like that man, and sometimes I forget how much you admire him."
"No, I'm the one who should be apologizing. I know that it's been hard for you to work here while he leers at you, hoping to have something he can never have."
"We usually get along so well. Until we start talking about Burns. He's getting more aggressive-"
"Has he-"
"No, nothing physical or threatening, he just spends more time giving me compliments and asking me to spend time with him outside of work. He still doesn't know that all those times I said that I was busy, I was really spending time with you."
"If your father wasn't you friend, he probably would have threatened to fire you by now."
"My father. He sent me here so that I would learn how to run a power plant better, he wants me to run the family business someday."
"You don't seem like the type to run this kind of business."
"What I really want to do is work for the Malibu Stacy company. Oh that would be a dream come true!"
"Did you know that he wants you to work here on a permanent basis?"
"No I didn't," said Mabel, "But I wouldn't mind spending more time with you, after all these weeks I have been here I have really grown fond of you."
"He wants you as an employee and a lover, Mabel."
"I see." said Mabel looking down.
"You're a good girl Mabel. As great a man as Mr. Burns is, the two of you don't belong together." said Waylon, silently thinking of someone else who would belong with Burns, a someone who has wanted to be with Burns for years.
"No. He's not right for me. I don't want to hurt your feelings, but I hate him. I hate looking at him. I hate hearing him talk. I hate how he takes up so much of your attention."
"Why would you hate my devotion to him?"
"It makes me jealous. I mean, um, I-" Mabel suddenly became very nervous. She felt that she said too much, she was not ready to tell Waylon how she really felt. Not just yet.
"He makes you jealous?" asked Waylon, not realizing how Mabel really felt about him.
"I mean- it's like this, see. He- um, how should I put this? I just like you so much as a friend that I wish more of the time we spent together was focused on sharing the things we love rather than you sometimes focusing on him."
"Oh I see. I've been talking about Mr. Burns too much. That's what you meant by jealousy." said Waylon, believing Mabel's lie.
Mabel looked into Waylon's eyes and thought silently to herself, "God. I love this man almost as much as I love Malibu Stacy. I've never met any man who has so much in common with me. I wish that Burns would just fall over and die so we could be together. Why do you like him so much? Burns must have tricked you somehow. That must be it. I hate Burns as much as I love you Waylon. After I find a way to get rid of your devotion to Burns, we'll run away together, and I'll have you all to myself." Mabel smiled.
Waylon smiled back and silently thought to himself, "You must be the most beautiful woman I have ever seen in my life. But you're not more beautiful than Mr. Burns, how could you compete with his fine white mane crowned around his regal scalp, perfect beauty marks, and irresistible eyes set in his wonderfully wrinkled face? As much as I like you as a friend, you're starting to get in between me and my dream. It's bad enough he doesn't consider me more than an employee, with you around taking up his attention I can't make him see me as more than that, and then see me as more than a friend. Like I see him. You make me feel so jealous, he's always talking about you now, but that's okay. After I find a way to get rid of you, I'll make him forget all about you and I can get back to making Burns mine."
In the office of Mr. C. Montgomery Burns, sat an old man behind a desk. A small stuffed bear sat on the desk and a small pile of files sat in front of the seated man. The room was quiet as the elderly gentleman read from the files. Sounds of high heels tapping on the floor broke the silence. Burns looked up and saw his secretary, Andrea Giarrusso standing before him.
"Andrea. What is it?" asked Burns.
The woman went around the desk and sat on Burns' lap. Stroking his bald head, she said, "Oh I was just sitting behind my desk and realized that I missed you. You don't get many phone calls, so I spend most of my time thinking of you."
"Maybe I could give you more to do, like uh, giving me more massages." replied Burns with a grin.
Andrea turned her face away from Burns and cringed. She turned her face back towards Burns and said "I was thinking that maybe you could give me more to do, like say, a higher position than just secretary?"
"Oh you ask me that all the time, with Smithers and Mabel around, I don't need to promote any more of the office employees. That would be a waste of money."
"Smithers is always saying I'm a waste of money. But we both know that's not true," said Giarrusso as she rubbed Burns' hair.
"Well there is just no more room for more personal assistants." replied Burns with a smile.
"Okay, but I just found out something you should know."
"I'm listening."
"You know how you told me that you're trying to make Mabel Kitchner your girlfriend?"
"Yes, go on."
"You know how she always refuses to see you outside of work because she's busy?"
"Yes."
"Have you ever noticed that Mr. Smithers happens to be busy at the same time she is?"
"What are you trying to say?"
"I overheard the two of them talking about what a great time they've been having outside of work. I think that Mr. Smithers is trying to seduce her behind your back."
"That double-crossing scoundrel. How dare he!" cursed Burns.
"None of the advice he gave you for wooing her has worked. Obviously he's been giving you bad advice so he could have Ms. Kitchner all for himself. It doesn't surprise me though. All the men here want her."
"This is very unlike him. He's been loyal to me for years, how could he do this?"
"He must have a crush on her or something. So, what are you going to do about this, boss?"
"I want to fire him."
"Can I get his job if you do?" asked Giarrusso enthusiastically.
"Well of course. You're just like Smithers when he first started working here, only more ruthless and thankfully more female." said Burns with a skittish smile. "But," said Burns losing his smile, "I can't fire him right away. He has been my best employee for years, I shouldn't rush into it."
"That sounds uncharacteristically merciful of you. Why no ruthless rush to fire him?"
"I want to make him suffer before I fire him. How dare he stand in the way of my plans!" squawked Burns.
"Yes that's the Monty I know." said Giarrusso with a smile.
"Now leave me. I wish to sit and plot against him in quiet."
"Very good sir." said Giarrusso as she got off Burns' lap and walked out of the room.
Burns looked toward the bear sitting on the table and said, "Oh Bobo. My faithful companion." Burns picked up the cherished stuffed bear and started talking to it, "Bobo. My best friend in the whole world. You would never betray me like Smithers, right? Realizing that he has betrayed me makes me hate him. You know what I do to people I hate, right Bobo? That's right. Make their lives a living hell so they'll be sorry they ever crossed C. Montgomery Burns! How dare he get in between me, and my selfish lust for that young flower of a woman, Mabel? What has gotten into him? Does he betray me because I only lust for her, instead of loving her like a good suitor should? Has Smithers fallen in love with her himself? Well, whatever is wrong with him I'll fire him. After I find a way to punish Smithers for wronging me, I'll fire him and Mabel will be mine."