Title – The Price We Pay: R Version 4/13
Rating – R
Disclaimer – I own none of this, it all belongs to Rowling. I just have the honor of using her creations in my story.
Summary – Snape awakens.
Pairings – SS/LV, SS/LM, SS/Death Eaters
Warnings – Violence, torture, non-graphic rape, m/m slash
A/N – Due to reader feedback and my own feelings on the matter I have decided to not write a slash relationship between Snape and Dumbledore. They will remain sex free and more like the father/son mentor-like relationship in the original version. Sorry to those who wanted it, you could probably think of them that way if you really wanted to, but it will not be rewritten with slash in mind. With that important news out of the way, all reviews, corrections, suggestions and questions are welcome! Read and enjoy!!
The Price We Pay
Chapter 3
Consciousness returned slowly to him, which was very odd because he was used to snapping awake at the first sign of someone even approaching his cell. He struggled through the layers of sleep; he hated being caught unawares and wanted to know just what tortures they had planned for him today before shutting down his mind and disconnecting himself from painful reality. Sometimes it was better to be unaware of the torments being inflicted on his body and safer to flee to the fogginess of his broken mind.
This time however he paused to wonder about the sensations that penetrated the haze of his mind. There was a voice speaking somewhere above him, but it was a soft, quiet voice, very different from the harsh or mocking voices of his captors so he ignored it. He did not understand what it was saying anyway and did not feel like expending the energy necessary to identify the words. It would let him know what it wanted sooner or later with magic, a fist or a jerk of his collar.
Instead he took stock of his body and was quite surprised, and a little afraid, to discover many of his aches and pains had been healed. Usually when his wounds were healed it meant fresh ones were about to be inflicted. But pleasant warmth enfolded him, driving away the bitter cold that filled his bones and gave him some measure of strength to his weakened body. He suddenly felt like crying at the kindness that was being given to him. He had been deprived of basic human needs and comforts for so long this simple consideration was almost too much for him.
Trying to open his eyes to see where he was, he found they were bound with a blindfold. After living in the dark for so many months, the absence of sight did not really bother him. Strangely enough, he was still able to perceive the awesome light and life around him. Focusing his feeble energy on the threads of light magic surrounding him, he struggled to remember what was so important about the light and the different threads of magic. The light reminded him strongly of a place he used to know and his mind was able to find a few scattered memories of a hidden castle, shifting staircases and enchanted ceilings. He hoped he would be able to recall more of this castle as he had the feeling it was one of the few good memories he had. The light was like a balm on his dark and battered soul, even if it did make his head pound with an unnatural headache.
Everything was all very soothing to his extremely sore body and he was actually enjoying the new game the Dark Lord was playing with him now. He was torn between giggling with delight at the new sensations and hiding in fear from them. Whatever was going on he was sure it would only end in pain and humiliation for him. It always did.
The soft voice returned and the warmth blanketing his body began to fade. He wanted to hold on to the blankets or tell the voice to not take the comforting heat away, but his heavy limbs would not obey him and he knew it was pointless to use his voice. Frowning in confusion he wondered why the voice was taking away something good. He must have done something wrong and was being punished. Since he could not understand what the voice was trying to tell him, he resigned himself to this new game and gave up. There was nothing he could do about it, as he had been so often reminded. He was a whore, a plaything for wizards more powerful than himself.
He gasped when the first tendrils of healing magic invaded his body and began to destroy the few lingering curses placed on him by the Dark Lord. Then they carefully probed the magical collar holding his powers dormant. He was surprised when the curses were removed, though surprise then turned to fear, as he knew the Dark Lord would not be pleased, not at all. That grim thought caused him to shiver in anticipated pain and he quickly sank back into the haze of his mind, concentrating on nothing in particular.
Only when a new, deeper voice started to speak did he struggle back through the haze to find out what was going on. He frowned inwardly as the noises only made his headache worse. His head was throbbing now in time with the rest of his bodily aches and it was harder than usual to think and pay attention. The deep voice was speaking again and as he lay there half listening there was something about this voice that triggered a reaction deep in his mind. Broken memories shifted around until one memory in particular came together with startling clarity. It wasn't often he could remember things with perfect lucidity, but the now familiar voice brought this memory to the front of his mind.
His mind played and replayed images of a moving tree, a dark tunnel and a snarling, ferocious beast. The memory ended with the beast reaching for him with long claws and suddenly he realized who was the owner of the deep voice that was in the room with him right now.
Werewolf.
He began to shake in fear and helplessness and his body twisted in the blankets, seeking to flee the monster of his nightmares. The small rational part of his mind knew the werewolf was not a danger to him now, but the fear of the memory, combined with the fear of his current situation compelled him to escape and hide.
The werewolf was speaking to him again, voice quite loud in his ears, though he paid no attention to it; his attention was now focused on hiding. He was working on untangling himself from the blankets, which was a lot harder given he was still very weak, when large hands suddenly gripped his shoulders, trapping him to the bed.
Memories of a different sort overwhelmed him.
Memories of lustful grins, hot tongues and cold, pale skin. Memories of bruises on his hips, harsh grunts and cruel hands holding him down. These all too clear memories flooded his mind and made him freeze in absolute terror.
NO!! He could not let it happen again. He could not let the hands hold him down while the others … no, he did not want to remember what came next. His spirit and mind could not take another assault and he summoned the last of his resistance and waning strength to fight back.
Gasping, he lashed out blindly, fighting desperately to save his sanity and body. He thrashed and managed to hit the werewolf. The hands on his shoulders left and the werewolf stepped away with a groan. Now that he was free he frantically escaped the bed he was laying on, breathing heavily and on his way to a full-fledged panic attack.
He landed on the floor with a hard thump, jarring his healing wounds and sending low waves of pain throughout his sensitive body. The sudden pain reminded him of more recent tortures and he began to hyperventilate in absolute fear. Still tangled in the blankets he was unable to stop shaking or even see where the voices and hands were, but that did not stop him from trying to hide. He huddled on the floor and curled into a small ball, withdrawing into himself to escape the monsters. Maybe this time they would forget about him and go play with someone else.
With a small whimper he began rocking, wishing for someone to stop this living nightmare.
* ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ *
Stepping away from the bed Remus Lupin groaned and rubbed his sore nose, scowling at Snape. His anger quickly faded when he looked down at the frantic, terrified man on the bed. He then realized Snape's panicked response was clearly a defensive reaction to months of violent captivity. Lupin was torn between again attempting to calm Snape down and running to find Madame Pomfrey. But he stood motionless, eyes locked on the scene playing out before him, legs unable to move.
He did not mean to cause such a severe reaction from Snape and felt horrible that he had failed to carry out Pomfrey's simple instructions. Lupin had been visiting Harry and his friends that morning, keeping them up to date with news from around the wizarding world and reports from within the Order of the Phoenix. The werewolf was enjoying a nice talk with Harry when Madame Pomfrey had asked him if he could assist her with removing any remaining curses from their new patient. He knew Snape was alive, having personally seen Dumbledore rescue the former spy from Voldemort's manor, however it was still strange seeing him in a hospital bed, looking deathly ill. After Pomfrey had purged Snape of curses she examined that hideous looking collar and asked for his thoughts concerning the dark magic that was the source of the collar's powers. They had talked for a little bit and then he had agreed to keep an eye on Snape while Pomfrey left to prepare his numerous potions. When Snape appeared to be in the midst of a nightmare Lupin had tried to calm the agitated wizard. Everything he said and did only served to upset Snape further and he inadvertently made it worse by touching the traumatized victim.
"Poppy!! Come in here quick!" Lupin called out and frowned when Snape flinched and scooted further away from him, curling on the floor like a frightened child. Pomfrey hurried in with a tray full of potions, which she set down on a table, and came to stand next Lupin. Her eyes went wide as she exclaimed,
"What did you do Remus?! What happened?"
"I don't know! He was having a nightmare and I was just talking to him, trying to help him wake up when he suddenly panicked! I couldn't get him to calm down!"
Pomfrey stared at Snape, who had started to make small whimpering noises and shook her head weakly. She cast undecided glances between Snape and the door and Lupin noticed she was holding her wand tightly in one hand. Making up her mind she slipped her wand back up her sleeve and took a cautious step forward, crouching beside the bed and appearing as non-threatening as possible. Pomfrey held out her hands and slowly inched forward, saying in a very soft voice,
"Severus? It's me Poppy. Everything will be all right. Let's just get you back to bed so I can treat your wounds. Will you let me do that for you Severus?"
There was no response from Snape and Pomfrey repeated her litany to no effect. When she shifted forward to touch Snape, the ill wizard flinched and gave a hoarse moan. A brief feeling of relief passed through the nurse as she realized her efforts to remove the curses from Snape had been successful. One curse in particular had been very effective in silencing Snape's voice and she was worried the curse might have permanently damaged the vocal cords. Even his pathetic moan was encouraging though and with time that silky, oh so dangerous voice would be in use again.
Her relief turned to sorrow when Snape began to tremble and whimper piteously. Realizing neither she nor Lupin would be able to effectively calm Snape right now, Pomfrey slowly stood and turned to Lupin.
"Don't touch or say anything to him. I'm going to summon Albus."
Nodding, Lupin watched her go and stood feeling very helpless. He had the impression that if Snape were stronger he would be screaming and violently fighting them. His heart suffered as he considered what abuse and torture Snape must have endured to be reduced to this miserable state. He felt a deep pity for the once proud Slytherin. There was no trace of the sarcastic, angry and ambitious Snape he knew and briefly Lupin wondered what Sirius Black would have thought of the hated Snivellus right now.
Hushed whispering behind him made Lupin turn and see Pomfrey return with a very concerned Dumbledore. Snape had now worked himself into the corner, shaking and hyperventilating in sheer fear and confusion. Lupin backed away to the door with Pomfrey and they watched the Headmaster approach the terrified Snape.
"Severus? Child, it's me Albus. Remember? You're safe now Severus. It's all right."
Dumbledore approached Snape as he did in that awful dungeon cell, with slow movements and a kind voice. He kept repeating his soothing words in a calm tone as he slowly knelt by Snape, who was now completely tangled in the blankets and pressed up against the wall. The blindfold had slipped off and black eyes were filled with tears, peering out at them warily. There was a glimmer of awareness in those sad orbs, but fear prevented Snape from moving or speaking. Dumbledore reached out his hands and gently laid them on the quivering body in front of him. Snape flinched from his touch and a low keening began in the back of his throat. Undaunted, Dumbledore soothed Snape with light, gentle strokes and a soft voice until the trembling wizard slowly began to calm down. Snape relaxed from his tight ball and stopped his pitiful whimpering, but continued to cry and breathe in harsh pants.
Confident now that he had Snape's trust, Dumbledore pulled the blankets around him before pulling the entire body into his arms, murmuring reassurances all the while. Snape resisted at first, pushing feebly against the older wizard and twisting uncomfortably in the embrace. But Dumbledore did not give up and soon Snape relaxed even more into his arms, resting his head against the warm chest, finally feeling safe listening to the comforting heartbeat of the older wizard. The damaged hands buried themselves in the long white beard, holding on as tight as they could. Snape tired quickly and went limp, tears falling from fever-glazed eyes and rolling down an emotionless face. Dumbledore sat back against the wall, pulling Snape fully into his lap and crooned softly to the hurt wizard as Snape began to doze.
The Headmaster looked up at them and nodded at their unspoken questions, not wanting to break the calm of the moment to speak aloud. Pomfrey and Lupin returned the nod and quietly left the private room, discreetly wiping their own tears away.
* ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ *
He was lost amongst unpleasant and fractured memories, hiding from a reality of fear and pain when something new pierced the dark haze of his mind.
A kind, comforting voice, different from the other ones, yet very familiar, penetrated the mental and physical pain and drew his attention away from the paralyzing terror. His headache vanished with the words the voice spoke and waves of peace swept over his exhausted body. This kind voice continued to speak to him, weaving its own type of magic around him, showing him love, compassion and serenity. He was keenly reminded of warm summer days, gentle smiles and eyes that twinkled like stars. The voice, combined with a warm touch, healed the holes in his soul and showed him that with time, everything would be all right. He knew instinctively that this voice would never lie and would never take advantage of him. It would never leave him alone and would always be there to heal his hurts. This voice had sheltered him from the darkness, guided him when he was lost and had given him a second chance when no one else would believe him.
Memories returned to him then, but these memories very different from the ones that held him frozen in terror and pain, and his broken mind eagerly welcomed them.
He remembered this voice. He remembered his protection, his trust and his guidance. He was safe, back where he belonged. He remembered who was holding him, who was speaking to him and he relaxed into Albus Dumbledore's arms with a soft sigh.
* ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ *
After a while the old wizard looked down at the person in his arms and said with a slight grin, "I'm too old to be sitting on the floor Severus. How about we move back to the bed hmm? I'll tell you what you've missed here at Hogwarts." Carefully lifting the awake but unresponsive Snape he positioned himself on the bed, tucking the blankets back around the slim, pale body and leaned back against the headboard. Dumbledore was still concerned about Snape's reaction to touch and sound, especially since they appeared to trigger certain memories, memories that he was certain no one would want to relive again. However he was immensely relieved that Snape allowed him to approach and accepted his touch. The spark of awareness that shone in those black eyes was cause for a smile. With Snape securely settled in his arms he began to speak in a low voice,
"Well Severus, as you can imagine a lot has happened in the last 8 months. Voldemort is dead, his followers are gone and we have won the war. Harry fulfilled the prophecy, as we all knew he would. They fought the last battle here, at Hogwarts, and though we suffered our fair share of losses we still emerged victorious." He spoke about defending the castle from dementors and Death Eaters, how the older students protected the younger ones from a group of dementors that managed to infiltrate the castle, how the Order of the Phoenix was almost overwhelmed by Death Eaters before an army of Aurors arrived and he retold the final duel between Harry and Voldemort.
Stopping for a moment Dumbledore looked down at Snape and was troubled to see him sitting docilely, eyes half lidded, not moving or reacting on his own. This behavior was so unlike Severus that he felt a surge of anger toward Voldemort for breaking such a strong, unique spirit. Dumbledore cared immensely for every single student that walked the halls of Hogwarts, but occasionally, throughout his long years, he would develop a special place in his heart for the truly extraordinary children, the ones whose spirit burned bright and pure. Even when they had graduated and became productive adults it was not unusual for the Headmaster to watch over his adopted children like a father would his own child.
Severus, the dark Slytherin child that everyone avoided, the Death Eater who begged for a second chance and the professor the students quickly learned to hate, would be more of a son to Dumbledore than any other child. For all his faults and crimes Severus had a bright soul and a pure heart that Dumbledore loved unconditionally. He could not really explain why he felt that way toward Severus of all people, but he did and he did not care what anyone else thought about it. Severus was his child and no one else's.
Sighing Dumbledore placed an affectionate kiss on the top of the black-haired head and continued his one sided conversation with Snape about his retirement and summer plans. At one point Snape shifted slightly in his arms and his eyelids fluttered like he was trying to wake up but could not make the final connection.
"Severus? Can you understand me? It's Albus." Dumbledore waited patiently as Snape struggled for a long minute before opening his eyes all the way. He blinked rapidly in the sunlight then turned to hide his face in the Headmaster's long beard. Delighted with this response Dumbledore smiled and whispered encouraging words in Snape's ear. The ill wizard leaned back and slowly lifted his head, teary black eyes rising to meet twinkling blue eyes. His brow furrowed in concentration; it was clear he was desperately trying to formulate complete thoughts and communicate. Just as Dumbledore thought Snape was going to finally going to respond to him there was a knock at the door and Pomfrey reentered the private room.
Any bond Dumbledore had made or was about to make with Snape was shattered at that moment. Snape hid his face in the white beard and shrank back into the protective arms, while retreating into the shadows of his mind, fear taking hold once again. Releasing a breath he did not know he was holding Dumbledore felt frustrated and sad at the interruption and hoped there was a chance for recovery for his child. He looked up at Pomfrey, who appeared apologetic and curious as she sat down next to them and said,
"I'm truly sorry for interrupting, but Severus needs his potions now and I can't wait much longer. What happened?"
"I believe we almost had a breakthrough Poppy. Severus is in there somewhere, just buried under all this pain and darkness. I need more time with him."
"You have plenty of time Albus, if you will recall, just be patient. Did he seem aware of his surroundings or react in any way?"
"He looked at me," replied Dumbledore, "and seemed close to responding to me. But he shied away when you entered. Why?"
"The panic attack worried me. I think it is indicative of larger mental and emotional problems that we don't have the means to treat properly. I am just a certified magical nurse, I'm not a trained trauma witch or mind-therapist. Actually my niece is a fully licensed trauma witch and has been working at St. Mungo's for several years helping victims of the war. I can owl her this afternoon and have her stop by in a few days." Pomfrey said, hoping Dumbledore would take her advice. When he remained silent she sighed and went to retrieve the tray of potions and supplies from the side table. Perhaps later when everyone had calmed down she would again discuss the subject with him.
They let Snape remain curled next to Dumbledore on the bed to avoid another panicked breakdown and the Headmaster admitted he did not want to let go of Snape just yet. Pomfrey administered the next set of healing potions and when she was done she cleaned up the room and returned to sit in the chair. Dumbledore listened attentively as the nurse went over Snape's diminished mental abilities, fragile emotional state and his weak physical condition. They had already witnessed the kind of behavior they could expect from Snape and Pomfrey stated he would need constant supervision. She was confident he would heal physically in a matter of weeks and hopeful that with tender care the magical tears in his mind would repair themselves. Only time would reveal whether or not Snape would be the same man before this ordeal.
"Someone should be with him at all times just in case. We'll organize something with the staff when you're too busy." Pomfrey finished and pulled out a vial of sleeping draught from her robes. "Severus should sleep as much as possible today. I'm amazed he broke out of the healing sleep, so I'll give him something to keep him in it. I'll stay with him while you help Minerva with the students. She had a large group of Slytherins this morning demanding to see Severus and I doubt they have yet to stop pestering her for information."
"Yes well, that House can be very persistent when they put their minds to it. I best go help Minerva then. I shall return after dinner." Dumbledore replied absently and moved to settle Snape fully on the bed after Pomfrey had administered the draught. He paused and stood gazing at Snape for a while, deep in thought. Pomfrey waited as he tucked the blankets snugly around the sleeping wizard. Finally he sighed and removed his glasses to rub a hand over his eyes. He looked up at the nurse and his expression was one of resignation and cautious hope.
"Owl your niece Poppy. You're right of course. Severus does need professional care, but I would prefer to keep him here if possible. I would be most grateful if your niece could spare a few days to come to Hogwarts and examine him."
"I'll owl Belladonna this afternoon. I'm sure she will be willing to come and treat Severus. I will let you know when her answer arrives."
Dumbledore nodded and gently touched Snape's cheek in farewell. When he stood Pomfrey could almost see the burden lift from his shoulders. She was relieved the Headmaster had seen the need for outside help and was confident her niece would be able to help Snape somehow. Healing was a part of the Pomfrey family and they always did their best to help those in need.
The road to recovery was just beginning, and it was off to a promising start.
*TBC*
Well you are in for a real treat. The next chapter will be brand new, with new characters, developments and insights! I'll try to have it up soon. Thanks to everyone who offered their opinion on the SS/AD slash relationship; you really helped me come to a final decision!! :)
Reader Responses -
Lilith11 – Yes, the image of my grandfather as a "sexual being" really turned me off to that kind of slash relationship! *Shudder* ;)
Peikkolapsi – Thank you!
Zippy zany – Snape will be silent for longer this time and I haven't decided if I'm going to feature the Harry and Draco relationship more. I know, I know, I really need to make all these important decisions faster!! :)
Labidolemur – You bring up several very important points and I actually took them all into consideration before I even sat down to rewrite this fic. Dumbledore and Pomfrey are not capable of treating Snape alone in this version and outside help will come in the next chapter!! Between this outside counselor and Dumbledore's love, we will see Snape slowly begin to recover. Thanks for the input!
All who wander – This version will be just a chapter longer – the next chapter will be brand new and other chapters will be longer or shorter as I rewrite them. I will have a SS/AD version at adultfanfiction.net when I'm done with this version in case you're interested!
Alym – Thanks for the review!!
Caligula – Sorry bout the cliffhanger! Expect another one in the future! Thanks!
Limited Sanity – I'm glad you are enjoying this version as much as the original! Thanks for the review!
N snape – You're very welcome! I enjoy giving my readers fic-gifts even more than I enjoy getting your lovely reviews!!
Rosaleen – Thank you, as always, for the review! :)
Tall oaks – Do let me know if I ever do the expected? I hope I'm original and creative and I need readers like you to keep me in line. :) Thanks for the input on the slash issue too!
Droxy – I think Snape's best feature are his eyes, but don't worry his hair will grow back quickly. ;) Yes the flashbacks are going to be darker and yes Albus will have his revenge against the Ministry! Stay tuned!
Barbara Kennedy – Yes, I do have a few plot twists up my sleeve! *Grins evilly* Thanks for the slash input!
Wynjara – Sorry about the cliffhanger! You think you're a sadist for reading these types of fics? How do you think I feel for writing them? I have to open my inner sadist every time I sit down at my computer!! :)
Renton – That's me. 'The Risks of Espionage' is the one I wrote about Snape's capture and I have no plans to rewrite it right now! Sorry.
NJ – Welcome back! I missed you! Oh yes, Albus is going to strike back in this one so stay tuned! Thanks for the slash input!
Cloudshape – Thanks for the slash advice and the review!
Khamul – I'm glad you like this version too! Thanks for the review!
Dayan – Many thanks for the slash input! I hope the whole story remains more plausible without it!
Fayet – It will only get darker from here as the real healing begins! Thanks!
Littlerabbit – Thanks for the slash input and review!