This is a companion fic to "Wanting Death"
(You really should read that first)

Warnings: R This fic contains implied Shounen ai, suicidal themes, and mild
language.
If this bothers you (or you're underage)
Either don't read or keep your comments to yourself.

Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam Wing or its characters.
::Goes into a full fledged Wu Fei Injustice rant::
I'm not making any money off of this.
::'Nother rant::

I am the self-nominated Queen of Sap
(And I think I earn my title!)

Comments and Criticisms are welcomed, just please don't be nasty about
them.

-

Weissangel24

Wanting Life

Friendship. . . I barely know the meaning of the word. My only knowledge comes from my encounters with you. . .

To be honest. . . What you offered scared me. That's quite a feat, as I don't scare easily. However, I was eager to accept it, but hesitant to give it back. . . Years of being hurt prevent me from completely trusting you. I know that one-day you'll betray me and admit to simply using me. It is inevitable.

So I enjoy your company. . . your time. . . but all the while, keep my walls high around myself to protect me.

There's only so close, I'll allow you to come near. . .

You were frustrated, but you still cared. I could see it on your face. . . the way your eyes glimmered with emotions I couldn't fathom. The way your smile lit up the whole room. . .

Everything was comfortable. But then you offered me something. . . that I least expected.

You offered me love.

I barely know the meaning of friendship. . . Love isn't even in my vocabulary.

At first. . . I admit. . . the notion of someone loving me. . . Especially you loving me. . . Made my heart soar. . . I felt waves of warm emotions that were unfamiliar to me. . .

I felt alive.

Having no name. Having no family, no home, no past. . . Made me feel as if I weren't a real person. Not feeling emotions made me think I had no heart. . . Like I wasn't human. . .

But here you were. . . Offering me those things freely, with everything you could muster and more!

And what do I do?

I throw it back in your face and run like the coward I am.

It's interesting. . . almost amusing if you think about it. . . I can face an ambush when I'm outgunned 100 to 1. . . And never flinch. I've seen more blood and chaos then is even imaginable, things that should only exist in Bad Slasher Horror flick. . . And it doesn't faze me. But you show me the slightest bit of kindness? I run like a sissy.

You see? I've gotten used to not being human.

I did the only thing that I could do. . . Running on impulse, and not thinking things through. . . And I pushed you away. . . And I caused you pain. . .

And the light in your eyes went out. I had killed something most precious without even realizing it.

Here I am. . . Running my fingers through your golden hair in a way I never could before. Every once of me is threatening to fall apart. . . As I stare at your expressionless face.

I may have told you that I didn't love you. . . That I couldn't stand you. . . That I was in love with someone else. . .

Oh, God! Was I really that harsh?

It was all lies! Don't you see? You're the only one for me! You're the only one that I could open myself up for! Only you!

And now you're gone. . .

Reading your note. . . Seeing your lifeless body. . . A grief-stricken regret fills me and all I can do is scream!

Me! Who has barely ever spoken a full conversation. . . Can only scream as tears escape from their prison behind my emotionless mask.

As I cradle you. . . I find myself praying to whatever deity may listen. . . That they would bring you back to me. . .

Because I don't want to be alone! Because I don't want my walls to protect me! Because I don't to be inhuman!

I want to be alive!

And you. . . Were my life.

I want you back. I want to say, "I'm sorry." To hold you forever. . . And tell you. . .

"I love you."

-Trowa Barton A.C 198