Everyone except for Lisa, the White Rabbit and the Red Queen shouted out, "Hail White Rabbit! Hail King Bongomus, the great White Rabbit!"
The White Rabbit smiled as everyone except for Lisa, the White Rabbit and the Red Queen continued, "Hail the Red Queen! Widow of the formerly great Red King whom the King Bongomus justly slain! Hail the queen!"
The Red Queen smiled and looked adoringly at the White Rabbit while the hailing continued, "Hail our king and queen! Praise the day when our royal highnesses married! A curse and a pox on the grave of the old Red King who, when alive, disapproved of the hot, steamy, soap-opera style adulterous affair between the Red Queen and mighty Bongomus, the rabbit with-"
A frown on the White Rabbit's face stopped the small crowd from continuing. The yellow rabbit with brown hair and glasses shouted out, "Now all may rise knowing our great king has been properly hailed!"
The Red Queen looked angrily at the rabbit with glasses. After realizing no one was rising and that the Red queen was giving him a bad stare, he shouted out again, "Now all may rise knowing our great king, and his majestic queen has been properly hailed... All hail king and queen! Long may they live, and long may we keep our heads to serve them."
After hailing the queen and king once more, everyone stood up while the two royal highnesses stepped down to the ground. Mad Monty rushed up to the Red Queen's side.
"Ah, greetings our most wonderful queen! You look absolutely beautiful today. And your highness, mighty White Rabbit, how do you do?" enthusiastically asked the old man Mad Monty.
"Oh, why thank you. You always have the most genuine sounding fake compliments" said the Red Queen, while King Bongomus silently nodded.
"Would you like some dragon pearls in milk tea, madam? I made it myself," offered Mad Monty.
"Why yes! Thank you! You have strange tastes in food, but you make wonderful tapioca ball milk teas!" replied the queen as Mad Monty handed her a glass of dark liquid.
Lisa approached the king as the Red Queen and Mad Monty made small talk. "Um, excuse me?" asked Lisa.
The king turned toward her, as she explained her problem and asked for help with finding the doorway home. When she finished explaining, the White Rabbit stood silently looking downward, seemingly deep in thought. He looked back up at Lisa and opened his mouth, but before any sound came out, the sound of something in the sky caught his attention. The sound of wings flapping filled the air as everyone looked up and saw a blue butterfly drunkenly landing on the ground.
"Hey everybody, I'm here for the poker game now-" said the butterfly before burping and creating a belch bubble which had the words, "Salutations friends and compatriots, I do believe it is time for our weekly and sometimes daily poker game," inside of it.
The Red Queen sat up from Mad Monty's chair and exclaimed, "But it is not time for poker now, it is time for drinking delicious milk teas."
The Yellow Jester reached into his orange jacket and pulled out a white pocket watch shaped like a clown's head. The watch began to shake and it made laughing noises which made the Yellow Jester excitedly jump up and down. Everyone looked over at him and then suddenly stood up straight with anxiety.
"Oh my goodness me! It is time for poker!" exclaimed Mad Monty.
"Prepare the men, call out the prince, the princess and the Hanz brothers right away!" screeched the Red Queen.
All the playing card men began frantically running around and the giant turtle blew on its horn non-stop for about half a minute. Lisa held her hands to her ears as Mad Monty and the rabbit in robes ran off out of Lisa's sight. After the horn stopped blowing, the playing card guards and Barney the Butterfly began to pull out wooden boards from the back of the box on top of the turtle. A seemingly endless stream of boards were pulled out as they were laid out flat on the ground. The trees surrounding the crowd of busy people quickly and suddenly sank completely into the ground, leaving a large flat area of grass. Lisa stepped back and realized that the boards were being stacked alongside one another until they filled up the space left by the trees, forming a massive square which measured about thirty feet on each side. After the square was assembled, more playing card people began to arrive. They lined up in rows and started to divide themselves into groups of clubs, hearts, spades and diamonds.
During the busy preparations, the Red Queen was sitting at the food table eating from a plate of deep-fried ice cream. She turned toward the group of playing cards and yelled out, "Most of the peasants are here, but where are the royals? Get the royals out here, we can't have a game without them!"
Mad Monty and the brown bearded rabbit in robes returned with a line of playing card people running behind them. They lined up in front of the queen while three king cards and the Jack of hearts separated from the group to speak with the queen.
"The royal spades, reporting for duty!" proclaimed the King of Spades.
"The royal clubs, here for a good game of poker, your royalness!" proclaimed the King of Clubs.
"Good to see you again, we diamonds are ready to go!" proclaimed the King of Diamonds.
"I'm ready to go and the Jester card will be here shortly. He's taking a break in the water closet." said the Jack of Hearts.
"Good, good. Oh, Jack, the two royal hearts stand-ins will be here shortly. They're always late, you know how children are. All right everybody, go join the other cards." said the queen.
Lisa then realized that the king and queen of hearts were missing from the group. Every other kind of playing card, even the joker card who arrived just after the royal cards joined with the others, was there except for them.
"Royal scribe Matthew, prepare the cards for shuffling!" screeched the Red Queen.
The rabbit with glasses rushed up to the mass of cards gathered near the giant turtle. A pair of playing card people, half the size of the others arrived at the food table and excitedly ran up to Red Queen.
"We're here! We're here!" exclaimed the two small cards.
Lisa looked more closely at the two smaller cards and realized that they were children. One, a young girl, and the other a young boy, both had the letter "P" with a heart symbol next to it on their chests.
"We get to be king and queen for a day again? Right? Right?" the little cards excitedly exclaimed.
"Yes, yes, now-" the Red Queen pulled out a pair of red pills for a pocket on her dress. "-Now, each of you eat one of these just like last time and every time we let you two be king and queen for the day."
Both of the smaller cards each ate a pill, and suddenly a poof of smoke enveloped both of them. When the smoke cleared, a King and Queen of Hearts cards with limbs on their sides and corners appeared.
"Now go join the others." said the Red Queen.
"Yay!" the two cards loudly exclaimed as they ran off to join the other cards.
After a quick count to make sure every card was there, King Bongomus, the Red Queen, Mad Monty, the Yellow Jester, the Royal Scribe Matthew, and Barney the Butterfly gathered together near the food table.
"Okay now, we have four spaces for players and we have to decide if we'll let the Joker in for Joker's wild." said Matthew, the rabbit with a brown beard.
"The Joker's always giggling and giving himself away, tell him to come here to keep me company. I won't be playing today, I haven't finished my deep-fried ice cream yet." declared the Queen.
The White Rabbit whispered into the Red Queen's ear. She listened intently for a moment, then turned to everyone and said, "His highness is not in the mood to play today, he wishes to allow that strange looking little girl over there to play in his place instead."
Mad Monty turned to Lisa and called her over to the food table. She was busy watching the card people organize themselves, and did not hear what the others were talking about. Lisa heard him calling for her, and she rushed right over.
"Ah, little girl, you get to play poker today," said Mad Monty.
The Yellow Jester wiggled its nose and frowned while King Bongomus whispered into the Red Queen's ear.
"Play poker? But I want to go home!" cried Lisa.
"His highness says that after you play a game of poker, he will help you find your way home. He insists on you having some sort of fun after the terrible day you have gone through," said the Red Queen.
"Really?" asked Lisa.
"Yes, after you told him your story, he took pity on you and decided you should play and then leave here having a good time," replied the queen.
"Oh, thank you so much! I'm so glad I found you! You were able to help me just like Senoir Bombus Monticola said you-"
Barney the Butterfly interrupted Lisa with a question: "Hey, where did Mr. Bumblebee go? Usually he should be here by now."
"Yes," said Mad Monty, "He always shows up for the poker games, where is he? The young chap should have already heard the horn call."
"Maybe he's chasing a female bumblebee." suggested Mr. Smih the frog, who suddenly hopped on the food table.
"Yes, he always loves chasing after the attractive young females." said Mr. Thurs the toad, who was sitting on the ground listening in.
"Maybe, but it is rather strange," said the Red Queen, "Little girl, when did you see my royal messenger last?"
"Oh, I-um, well you see- I-"
"Well?" asked the queen.
"I last saw him after I got here and just before I met Barney. I think he said something about taking a nap," replied Lisa.
"Oh good, then there is nothing to worry about," said the Red Queen in a cheerful tone of voice, "...Because if anything ever happened to my favorite little guy, HEADS WILL ROLL!!!"
Her highness's last outrage of extreme anger made everybody's hair stand up straight. The White Rabbit looked at the queen and frowned.
"Oh cotton-bottom, I'm sorry. I just broke my promise about losing my temper," said the queen as she looked at King Bongomus apologetically, "I know you don't like seeing people lose their heads or see me angry, I'll try to keep it under control my little snookie-woo."
The queen hugged the White rabbit as his face turned pink. He whispered something into the queen's ear.
"What? Don't call you those names outside the bedroom? Oh, I'm sorry! I forgot!" said the Red Queen.
The sound of small, heavy feet pounding on soft grass echoed in the distance. Lisa looked over to the source of the sound and saw a pair of giant hands with giant eyes on the back of them and with feet and legs where their wrists should be, running up to the giant square made up of wooden boards.
"The Hanz brothers! Good, they're here! Who wants to be dealer?" asked the queen.
The Yellow Jester jumped up and down.
"Yellow Jester, you will be the dealer today. Since our majesties are not playing, and I have chosen the dealer, the rest of you decide amongst yourselves who will-"
King Bongomus interrupted the queen with whispers into her ear.
"Oh, yes, I almost forgot, the little girl will get to play. There are two places left, decide amongst yourselves who else will play."
"The scribe Matthew has important duties to attend to, I will not play today," said the rabbit in robes as he began to eat some barbecue pork buns.
"Mad Monty, go join in!" said Mr. Smih.
"You are a very good player, yes go join in Mad Monty!" said Mr. Thurs.
"Capital idea. my brown-nosed chums. Capital indeed! Me and Mr. Butterfly can go play, what do you say old friend? Not too tipsy for a game of poker I hope." said the old man.
"I was hoping to play with Mr. Bumblebee, but okay." drunkenly said Barney.
Barney, Mad Monty, Lisa, and the Yellow Jester each stood in front of a side of the massive thirty-foot wide square. The Joker card was giggling uncontrollable at the food table while The Red Queen ate deep fried ice cream. The White Rabbit drank tapioca ball milk tea while the Matthew, the Royal Scribe was busy eating barbecue pork buns. The playing card people piled themselves into a stack of face down cards in front of the Yellow Jester while the giant hands stood at the small yellow rabbit's sides.
"Shuffle the cards already! I have to get back to making people drink my milk tea!" exclaimed Mad Monty, who anxiously looked at King Bongomus drinking from a glass of dark liquid with a thick straw.
"Shuffle them!" cried Mr. Smih, who was sitting next to Mad Monty's right side.
"Shuffle them now!" yelled out Mr. Thurs, who sat next to Mad Monty's left side.
The Yellow Jester raised his hands and the two giant hands stood at attention. The yellow rabbit pointed toward the stack of cards in front of him, and the two giant hands grabbed hold of the deck and began to shuffle the oversized cards. The cards made annoyed grunts as they were quickly moved around, and after a thorough shuffling, the Yellow Rabbit pointed to the other players and himself. Five cards were dealt out to each player by the giant hands. They were tossed still face down and landed that way in a row in front of each player.
With an image of a one-eared white rabbit and a lady wearing red sitting in its lap, on the backs of the cards, they stood up, with front sides facing their players, and backs to the other players. Some of Lisa's cards landed with heads closer to her, and others with feet closer, so that while some were standing upright with feet on the ground, others had to face her upside down standing on their hands. The card furthest to Lisa's left looked at her with surprise as it stood on its hands upside down.
"Oh! Nice to see you again," it whispered, "I see you managed to find the White Rabbit."
"Oh, it's you!" said Lisa as she looked at the card and realized it was the same Eight of Spades card she met earlier, "It's so good to see you again Eight of-"
The other cards in front of Lisa frowned at her and hissed with at her in a whisper, "Ssshhhh, don't let everyone know what cards you have!"
"Oh sorry!" apologized Lisa as she looked at her cards, which consisted of an Eight of Spades, a Three of Spades, both of the red Fours, and the Queen of Clubs.
Mad Monty kicked two of the cards in his row, making them kneel over to the ground. As they crawled away, he asked for two new cards.
"Why did he do that for? That was mean!" said Lisa.
"Mad Monty is always mean to us," whispered the Eight of Spades in reply, "We hate being sent away to be replaced, but we hate being kicked down even more..."
"You don't like being sent away for better cards?" asked Lisa.
"It hurts our feelings to be rejected." replied the Eight of Spades.
Barney the Butterfly pointed to four of his cards and shooed them away with a hand gesture. The cards sullenly walked past Barney and with their backs still turned to the other players, stood behind him. One of the rejected cards began to cry . After replacing them, the Yellow Jester looked over at Lisa. Her cards shook their heads, as if they hoped she would not have them replaced.
"Um, that's okay. I'll keep the cards I already have." said Lisa to the Yellow Jester.
"Oh she must have a good row," said Mad Monty, as the Yellow Jester threw out a small bag onto the center of the big square.
"Only one bag of chips?" asked Barney, "Oh okay, I'm in."
Barney reached behind him and threw out a small bag on the center of the field, it landed a few feet away from the Yellow Jester's bag.
"Count me in as well," said Mad Monty as he threw out a bag to the center of the square, "Little girl, are you in too?"
"But I don't have any-" Lisa looked behind herself and found a pile of bags, "-potato chips?"
The bags had the words, "WHITE RABBIT BRAND Deep Fried Potato Chips EXTRA SALTY" printed on them. Lisa picked up a bag and tossed it at the center of the board, but she only managed to throw it a few feet away from her cards.
"Ha ha! The little girl can't throw!" laughed Mad Monty.
Embarrassed, and then worried about winning with her row of cards, Lisa picked up another bag and lifted it behind her shoulder.
"Here," whispered the Eight of Spades, "Let me throw it for you, I can throw it backwards."
Lisa handed her bag of chips to the Eight of Spades, who threw it backwards. It landed right next to the Yellow Jester's bag. The dealer threw out a second bag, then looked over at Barney, who was eating from one of the bags of chips.
"Oh-" said Barney as he took chips out of his bag, "I will throw in another, and raise you two."
After Barney threw three bags into the pile, the Yellow Jester tossed out two more. Mad Monty paused and carefully examined his cards. While Mad Monty stood looking at his cards, the Four of Diamonds showed off some photographs to the Four of Hearts.
The Four of Diamonds whispered to his friend, "Look at this picture of the king and queen doing bedroom gymnastics!"
"Is it as good as this pictures of them doing the wild monkey dance? Oh my, what fascinating positions!" whispered the Four of Hearts.
"Let me see those!" said Lisa as she snatched them from the hands of the Four of Diamonds.
"Give those back! We're not supposed to have them!" whispered the Four of Hearts.
"Those sort of revealing photographs are illegal, do you want us to lose our heads? Now hand them back before anybody else sees them," whispered the Four of Diamonds.
Lisa snickered as she studied the two pictures. One was of the White Rabbit and Red Queen doing somersaults and back-flips in their royal bedroom with people in the background holding up signs with the number ten on them. The other picture featured them dancing with monkeys doing outrageous dance moves. Lisa did her best to hold in her laughter as she handed them back.
"Hmm... this looks to be too rich for my blood." said Mad Monty.
"You can do it sir!" said Mr. Smih.
"They're no match for your great skills and great luck!" said Mr. Thurs.
"No no, I'll get them in the next round, I'll fold." said Mad Monty as his cards walked away, with their backs to everybody else, behind him with the two kneeled over and groaning playing card people.
Lisa had the Eight of Spades throw out three more bags for her. The other two gave up and Lisa collected her winnings.
"Hey she's not bad" said Barney as he opened another bag of chips and put another chip in his mouth.
"Yes yes, well played, let us go on to another round!" said Mad Monty.
After Lisa cheered with her cards and thanked them, all the dealt cards walked back to the dealer.
"Thank you for not getting replacing of any of us. I hope that I get dealt to you again," the Eight of Spades said to Lisa.
Lisa smiled as the cards were shuffled again. The Yellow Jester passed out five cards to everyone, but before anybody could replace cards or place bets, a pair of large-nosed, short men wearing hats that looked like upside down cups came and interrupted the game. The two ran into the middle of the board and began excitedly jumping up and down. King Bongomus and the Red Queen rushed over to them.
"What is it? What is the matter? Say something before I take off your heads!" demanded the Red Queen.
The White Rabbit frowned and whispered into the Red Queen's ear.
"What was that? Oh! They're mute, I forgot!" said the queen.
Matthew, the Royal Scribe, handed them a piece of paper and a pencil. The two guards quickly wrote something on the sheet of paper as Lisa wondered what could have been so important that they needed to interrupt their game. Matthew took the sheet back when they were done and a troubled expression overcame his face as he read the message. The queen demanded to know what was wrong, so she snatched the paper and a look of anger filled her face as she read it.
"Someone has killed Senior Bombus Monticola, my favorite royal messenger!" screeched the queen, "I demand to know who this someone is, so HEADS CAN ROLL!!!"
Everyone stood with a look of shock, then of grief and anger, except for Lisa, who began to sweat and wonder if she should tell them the truth before they find out on their own. The Red Queen began looking around at everybody while the playing cards unstacked themselves and began to anxiously talk about the terrible news. Everybody avoided eye contact with the queen as she scanned around for someone to blame. The White Rabbit looked especially upset, and Barney was in tears. Lisa was not sure what to do, she wanted to do the right thing, but she was afraid she would lose her head or possibly worse. She tried to stand away from everyone else to avoid talking about what happened, but as she backed away, she noticed a small object bouncing toward the king and queen. As it grew closer, Lisa realized that it was a light bulb that was hopping on its socket-head.
"Oh me oh my!" cried out the light bulb, "Oh me oh my indeed! Everybody listen up! Everybody quiet down and listen up! I have important information!"
The scribe Matthew rushed over to the light bulb yelling, "Everybody settle down! It seems that Lenny the Light Bulb has something important to tell us."
Everyone grew quiet and gathered around the small talking light bulb as it continued to speak, "I know who killed Senior Bumblebee! I know who killed Senior Bumblebee!"
"Well don't leave us in suspense, say who did the deed already!" cried out Mad Monty.
"Well," said Lenny, "I was doing my job as usual, you know, being a light bulb at the forest rabbit hole exit of Wonderland, when I noticed Senior Bombus Monticola talking to somebody I never seen before. I looked away for a minute or two, he seemed to be trying to ask some girl out to dinner, so I decided to give him some privacy, then I heard some loud sound and... and..."
"And what? Say what you saw before I cut off your socket-head!" demanded the Red Queen.
"I saw the wall around the rabbit hole door fall on our poor friend with some evil-looking girl holding the emergency glass hammer in her hand, like she just broke the wall just to drop it on our good, good friend..." cried Lenny.
"Some evil-looking girl? When did this happen?" asked Matthew the scribe.
Little Lenny told them exactly what time this happened as he tried to choke back tears. Murmurs of shocks and vows of revenge ran through the crowd. Lisa did not like hearing some of the things people planned to do to the killer of their good friend.
"Are you sure he's dead?" asked Mad Monty.
"Well, first I wanted to check if he was really dead or not, but it took a really long time to unscrew myself. I called for help, but nobody was near the rabbit hole exit, it was like none of the forest animals were around at all. After I managed to get myself on the ground without cracking my bulb, I hopped over his body and tried to wake him up, but he wouldn't move. I even ran off and found some female bumblebees to tell him they would go out to dinner with him if he woke up, but he still wouldn't move..."
"He wouldn't wake up when female bumblebees told him they would go out with him? It's true! He must really be dead! He'd come back to life more times than Jebus if he could get a date with a female bumblebee!" cried Mad Monty.
"The female bumblebees stayed to watch his body while I came to tell you the news. It's so awful... why would anybody do it? Why? Why?" cried out Lenny.
"What did this evil-looking girl look like?" asked the queen.
Lisa tried to slip away as Lenny began to describe the killer, "Well, she was about this tall..." Lenny hopped up to the height of Lisa. "She had yellow skin, spiky hair and... she wore an orange dress."
"Why that sounds like- hey, where did the little girl go?" exclaimed Mad Monty.
"She's at the edge of the crowd," cried out Mr. Smih.
"She's trying to get away! She must be the one! She must be the murderer!" cried out Mr. Thurs.
All the playing card men jumped on top of Lisa just before she could get out of the crowd. The angry mob that surrounded her tied her up as she screamed out, "It was an accident! I didn't mean to do it!"
"So you did do it!" said the Red Queen.
"How could you? This is awful-" said Barney as he belched out a bubble that read, "This is most horrendous news. Most horrendous indeed."
"You know what this means! Bring out the royal guillotine!" screeched the Red Queen, "TAKE OFF HER HEAD!!!"
The royal cards rushed up to the giant turtle and took out a massive guillotine from the back of the red box on the turtle's back. They set it up in the center of the giant poker game square, and Lisa was carried to it. Before she was loaded in and placed under the giant blade, the Eight of Spades blocked their way.
"Wait, this is wrong! We can't do this!" said the Eight of Spades.
Lisa felt relieved and began to hope she would make out of this alive after all.
"We need to put this evil little girl on trial first! No matter the crime, we should follow proper procedures!" demanded the Eight of Spades.
"He's right," said Barney the Butterfly as he joined the Eight of Spades in blocking the way, "Mr. Bumblebee would want justice done, not-" A belch bubble interrupted him, but it was popped by a spear before anybody could read what was written in it.
"A trial? But we're angry now! Load her into the guillotine!" screeched the queen.
Lisa and a small crowd struggled to keep her out of the deadly device, but they were outnumbered and ultimately overpowered. As Lisa's neck was placed under the guillotine's massive blade hanging from the top of the lethal contraption, the royal guards held back the crowd of Senior Bumblebee's enraged friends. A wooden board with a half circle, bigger than the width of Lisa's neck but smaller than the size of her head, cut out from the bottom, held her down as the crowd grew more and more agitated. Many wanted her punishment to be worse than beheading, others demanded a trial be held, because a mob execution would have been a dishonor to their friend's memory.
"Please! Stop this madness! We mustn't-"
"Eight of Spades, SHUT YOUR MOUTH!!!" screeched the Red Queen, "Shut your mouth or it'll be OFF WITH YOUR HEAD!!!"
At the sight of their extraordinarily enraged queen, the crowd suddenly became very silent. The two large-nosed men wearing red fezzes prepared to cut the rope which would behead Lisa Simpson. They could not decide who was going to do it, and began hitting each other with the blunt end of their spears.
"Tell those two bloody idiots to stop fighting and start beheading!" screamed Mad Monty.
"OFF WITH HER HEAD, now!!!" screeched the Red Queen.
The two large-nosed men would not stop fighting, two of the guards who were holding back the crowd tried to separate them. A stream of sweat dripped from Lisa's brow, it would not be long before she had no head to sweat with. Her heart was beating in her chest so hard that she would not have been surprised if she heard it thumping even over the Red Queen's constant screams of beheading and revenge. Suddenly, she realized that the ropes binding her had loosened during the struggle to force her into the guillotine, her heart began to beat harder, not out of fear, but out of renewed hope she would get home safely after all.
The White Rabbit smiled as everyone except for Lisa, the White Rabbit and the Red Queen continued, "Hail the Red Queen! Widow of the formerly great Red King whom the King Bongomus justly slain! Hail the queen!"
The Red Queen smiled and looked adoringly at the White Rabbit while the hailing continued, "Hail our king and queen! Praise the day when our royal highnesses married! A curse and a pox on the grave of the old Red King who, when alive, disapproved of the hot, steamy, soap-opera style adulterous affair between the Red Queen and mighty Bongomus, the rabbit with-"
A frown on the White Rabbit's face stopped the small crowd from continuing. The yellow rabbit with brown hair and glasses shouted out, "Now all may rise knowing our great king has been properly hailed!"
The Red Queen looked angrily at the rabbit with glasses. After realizing no one was rising and that the Red queen was giving him a bad stare, he shouted out again, "Now all may rise knowing our great king, and his majestic queen has been properly hailed... All hail king and queen! Long may they live, and long may we keep our heads to serve them."
After hailing the queen and king once more, everyone stood up while the two royal highnesses stepped down to the ground. Mad Monty rushed up to the Red Queen's side.
"Ah, greetings our most wonderful queen! You look absolutely beautiful today. And your highness, mighty White Rabbit, how do you do?" enthusiastically asked the old man Mad Monty.
"Oh, why thank you. You always have the most genuine sounding fake compliments" said the Red Queen, while King Bongomus silently nodded.
"Would you like some dragon pearls in milk tea, madam? I made it myself," offered Mad Monty.
"Why yes! Thank you! You have strange tastes in food, but you make wonderful tapioca ball milk teas!" replied the queen as Mad Monty handed her a glass of dark liquid.
Lisa approached the king as the Red Queen and Mad Monty made small talk. "Um, excuse me?" asked Lisa.
The king turned toward her, as she explained her problem and asked for help with finding the doorway home. When she finished explaining, the White Rabbit stood silently looking downward, seemingly deep in thought. He looked back up at Lisa and opened his mouth, but before any sound came out, the sound of something in the sky caught his attention. The sound of wings flapping filled the air as everyone looked up and saw a blue butterfly drunkenly landing on the ground.
"Hey everybody, I'm here for the poker game now-" said the butterfly before burping and creating a belch bubble which had the words, "Salutations friends and compatriots, I do believe it is time for our weekly and sometimes daily poker game," inside of it.
The Red Queen sat up from Mad Monty's chair and exclaimed, "But it is not time for poker now, it is time for drinking delicious milk teas."
The Yellow Jester reached into his orange jacket and pulled out a white pocket watch shaped like a clown's head. The watch began to shake and it made laughing noises which made the Yellow Jester excitedly jump up and down. Everyone looked over at him and then suddenly stood up straight with anxiety.
"Oh my goodness me! It is time for poker!" exclaimed Mad Monty.
"Prepare the men, call out the prince, the princess and the Hanz brothers right away!" screeched the Red Queen.
All the playing card men began frantically running around and the giant turtle blew on its horn non-stop for about half a minute. Lisa held her hands to her ears as Mad Monty and the rabbit in robes ran off out of Lisa's sight. After the horn stopped blowing, the playing card guards and Barney the Butterfly began to pull out wooden boards from the back of the box on top of the turtle. A seemingly endless stream of boards were pulled out as they were laid out flat on the ground. The trees surrounding the crowd of busy people quickly and suddenly sank completely into the ground, leaving a large flat area of grass. Lisa stepped back and realized that the boards were being stacked alongside one another until they filled up the space left by the trees, forming a massive square which measured about thirty feet on each side. After the square was assembled, more playing card people began to arrive. They lined up in rows and started to divide themselves into groups of clubs, hearts, spades and diamonds.
During the busy preparations, the Red Queen was sitting at the food table eating from a plate of deep-fried ice cream. She turned toward the group of playing cards and yelled out, "Most of the peasants are here, but where are the royals? Get the royals out here, we can't have a game without them!"
Mad Monty and the brown bearded rabbit in robes returned with a line of playing card people running behind them. They lined up in front of the queen while three king cards and the Jack of hearts separated from the group to speak with the queen.
"The royal spades, reporting for duty!" proclaimed the King of Spades.
"The royal clubs, here for a good game of poker, your royalness!" proclaimed the King of Clubs.
"Good to see you again, we diamonds are ready to go!" proclaimed the King of Diamonds.
"I'm ready to go and the Jester card will be here shortly. He's taking a break in the water closet." said the Jack of Hearts.
"Good, good. Oh, Jack, the two royal hearts stand-ins will be here shortly. They're always late, you know how children are. All right everybody, go join the other cards." said the queen.
Lisa then realized that the king and queen of hearts were missing from the group. Every other kind of playing card, even the joker card who arrived just after the royal cards joined with the others, was there except for them.
"Royal scribe Matthew, prepare the cards for shuffling!" screeched the Red Queen.
The rabbit with glasses rushed up to the mass of cards gathered near the giant turtle. A pair of playing card people, half the size of the others arrived at the food table and excitedly ran up to Red Queen.
"We're here! We're here!" exclaimed the two small cards.
Lisa looked more closely at the two smaller cards and realized that they were children. One, a young girl, and the other a young boy, both had the letter "P" with a heart symbol next to it on their chests.
"We get to be king and queen for a day again? Right? Right?" the little cards excitedly exclaimed.
"Yes, yes, now-" the Red Queen pulled out a pair of red pills for a pocket on her dress. "-Now, each of you eat one of these just like last time and every time we let you two be king and queen for the day."
Both of the smaller cards each ate a pill, and suddenly a poof of smoke enveloped both of them. When the smoke cleared, a King and Queen of Hearts cards with limbs on their sides and corners appeared.
"Now go join the others." said the Red Queen.
"Yay!" the two cards loudly exclaimed as they ran off to join the other cards.
After a quick count to make sure every card was there, King Bongomus, the Red Queen, Mad Monty, the Yellow Jester, the Royal Scribe Matthew, and Barney the Butterfly gathered together near the food table.
"Okay now, we have four spaces for players and we have to decide if we'll let the Joker in for Joker's wild." said Matthew, the rabbit with a brown beard.
"The Joker's always giggling and giving himself away, tell him to come here to keep me company. I won't be playing today, I haven't finished my deep-fried ice cream yet." declared the Queen.
The White Rabbit whispered into the Red Queen's ear. She listened intently for a moment, then turned to everyone and said, "His highness is not in the mood to play today, he wishes to allow that strange looking little girl over there to play in his place instead."
Mad Monty turned to Lisa and called her over to the food table. She was busy watching the card people organize themselves, and did not hear what the others were talking about. Lisa heard him calling for her, and she rushed right over.
"Ah, little girl, you get to play poker today," said Mad Monty.
The Yellow Jester wiggled its nose and frowned while King Bongomus whispered into the Red Queen's ear.
"Play poker? But I want to go home!" cried Lisa.
"His highness says that after you play a game of poker, he will help you find your way home. He insists on you having some sort of fun after the terrible day you have gone through," said the Red Queen.
"Really?" asked Lisa.
"Yes, after you told him your story, he took pity on you and decided you should play and then leave here having a good time," replied the queen.
"Oh, thank you so much! I'm so glad I found you! You were able to help me just like Senoir Bombus Monticola said you-"
Barney the Butterfly interrupted Lisa with a question: "Hey, where did Mr. Bumblebee go? Usually he should be here by now."
"Yes," said Mad Monty, "He always shows up for the poker games, where is he? The young chap should have already heard the horn call."
"Maybe he's chasing a female bumblebee." suggested Mr. Smih the frog, who suddenly hopped on the food table.
"Yes, he always loves chasing after the attractive young females." said Mr. Thurs the toad, who was sitting on the ground listening in.
"Maybe, but it is rather strange," said the Red Queen, "Little girl, when did you see my royal messenger last?"
"Oh, I-um, well you see- I-"
"Well?" asked the queen.
"I last saw him after I got here and just before I met Barney. I think he said something about taking a nap," replied Lisa.
"Oh good, then there is nothing to worry about," said the Red Queen in a cheerful tone of voice, "...Because if anything ever happened to my favorite little guy, HEADS WILL ROLL!!!"
Her highness's last outrage of extreme anger made everybody's hair stand up straight. The White Rabbit looked at the queen and frowned.
"Oh cotton-bottom, I'm sorry. I just broke my promise about losing my temper," said the queen as she looked at King Bongomus apologetically, "I know you don't like seeing people lose their heads or see me angry, I'll try to keep it under control my little snookie-woo."
The queen hugged the White rabbit as his face turned pink. He whispered something into the queen's ear.
"What? Don't call you those names outside the bedroom? Oh, I'm sorry! I forgot!" said the Red Queen.
The sound of small, heavy feet pounding on soft grass echoed in the distance. Lisa looked over to the source of the sound and saw a pair of giant hands with giant eyes on the back of them and with feet and legs where their wrists should be, running up to the giant square made up of wooden boards.
"The Hanz brothers! Good, they're here! Who wants to be dealer?" asked the queen.
The Yellow Jester jumped up and down.
"Yellow Jester, you will be the dealer today. Since our majesties are not playing, and I have chosen the dealer, the rest of you decide amongst yourselves who will-"
King Bongomus interrupted the queen with whispers into her ear.
"Oh, yes, I almost forgot, the little girl will get to play. There are two places left, decide amongst yourselves who else will play."
"The scribe Matthew has important duties to attend to, I will not play today," said the rabbit in robes as he began to eat some barbecue pork buns.
"Mad Monty, go join in!" said Mr. Smih.
"You are a very good player, yes go join in Mad Monty!" said Mr. Thurs.
"Capital idea. my brown-nosed chums. Capital indeed! Me and Mr. Butterfly can go play, what do you say old friend? Not too tipsy for a game of poker I hope." said the old man.
"I was hoping to play with Mr. Bumblebee, but okay." drunkenly said Barney.
Barney, Mad Monty, Lisa, and the Yellow Jester each stood in front of a side of the massive thirty-foot wide square. The Joker card was giggling uncontrollable at the food table while The Red Queen ate deep fried ice cream. The White Rabbit drank tapioca ball milk tea while the Matthew, the Royal Scribe was busy eating barbecue pork buns. The playing card people piled themselves into a stack of face down cards in front of the Yellow Jester while the giant hands stood at the small yellow rabbit's sides.
"Shuffle the cards already! I have to get back to making people drink my milk tea!" exclaimed Mad Monty, who anxiously looked at King Bongomus drinking from a glass of dark liquid with a thick straw.
"Shuffle them!" cried Mr. Smih, who was sitting next to Mad Monty's right side.
"Shuffle them now!" yelled out Mr. Thurs, who sat next to Mad Monty's left side.
The Yellow Jester raised his hands and the two giant hands stood at attention. The yellow rabbit pointed toward the stack of cards in front of him, and the two giant hands grabbed hold of the deck and began to shuffle the oversized cards. The cards made annoyed grunts as they were quickly moved around, and after a thorough shuffling, the Yellow Rabbit pointed to the other players and himself. Five cards were dealt out to each player by the giant hands. They were tossed still face down and landed that way in a row in front of each player.
With an image of a one-eared white rabbit and a lady wearing red sitting in its lap, on the backs of the cards, they stood up, with front sides facing their players, and backs to the other players. Some of Lisa's cards landed with heads closer to her, and others with feet closer, so that while some were standing upright with feet on the ground, others had to face her upside down standing on their hands. The card furthest to Lisa's left looked at her with surprise as it stood on its hands upside down.
"Oh! Nice to see you again," it whispered, "I see you managed to find the White Rabbit."
"Oh, it's you!" said Lisa as she looked at the card and realized it was the same Eight of Spades card she met earlier, "It's so good to see you again Eight of-"
The other cards in front of Lisa frowned at her and hissed with at her in a whisper, "Ssshhhh, don't let everyone know what cards you have!"
"Oh sorry!" apologized Lisa as she looked at her cards, which consisted of an Eight of Spades, a Three of Spades, both of the red Fours, and the Queen of Clubs.
Mad Monty kicked two of the cards in his row, making them kneel over to the ground. As they crawled away, he asked for two new cards.
"Why did he do that for? That was mean!" said Lisa.
"Mad Monty is always mean to us," whispered the Eight of Spades in reply, "We hate being sent away to be replaced, but we hate being kicked down even more..."
"You don't like being sent away for better cards?" asked Lisa.
"It hurts our feelings to be rejected." replied the Eight of Spades.
Barney the Butterfly pointed to four of his cards and shooed them away with a hand gesture. The cards sullenly walked past Barney and with their backs still turned to the other players, stood behind him. One of the rejected cards began to cry . After replacing them, the Yellow Jester looked over at Lisa. Her cards shook their heads, as if they hoped she would not have them replaced.
"Um, that's okay. I'll keep the cards I already have." said Lisa to the Yellow Jester.
"Oh she must have a good row," said Mad Monty, as the Yellow Jester threw out a small bag onto the center of the big square.
"Only one bag of chips?" asked Barney, "Oh okay, I'm in."
Barney reached behind him and threw out a small bag on the center of the field, it landed a few feet away from the Yellow Jester's bag.
"Count me in as well," said Mad Monty as he threw out a bag to the center of the square, "Little girl, are you in too?"
"But I don't have any-" Lisa looked behind herself and found a pile of bags, "-potato chips?"
The bags had the words, "WHITE RABBIT BRAND Deep Fried Potato Chips EXTRA SALTY" printed on them. Lisa picked up a bag and tossed it at the center of the board, but she only managed to throw it a few feet away from her cards.
"Ha ha! The little girl can't throw!" laughed Mad Monty.
Embarrassed, and then worried about winning with her row of cards, Lisa picked up another bag and lifted it behind her shoulder.
"Here," whispered the Eight of Spades, "Let me throw it for you, I can throw it backwards."
Lisa handed her bag of chips to the Eight of Spades, who threw it backwards. It landed right next to the Yellow Jester's bag. The dealer threw out a second bag, then looked over at Barney, who was eating from one of the bags of chips.
"Oh-" said Barney as he took chips out of his bag, "I will throw in another, and raise you two."
After Barney threw three bags into the pile, the Yellow Jester tossed out two more. Mad Monty paused and carefully examined his cards. While Mad Monty stood looking at his cards, the Four of Diamonds showed off some photographs to the Four of Hearts.
The Four of Diamonds whispered to his friend, "Look at this picture of the king and queen doing bedroom gymnastics!"
"Is it as good as this pictures of them doing the wild monkey dance? Oh my, what fascinating positions!" whispered the Four of Hearts.
"Let me see those!" said Lisa as she snatched them from the hands of the Four of Diamonds.
"Give those back! We're not supposed to have them!" whispered the Four of Hearts.
"Those sort of revealing photographs are illegal, do you want us to lose our heads? Now hand them back before anybody else sees them," whispered the Four of Diamonds.
Lisa snickered as she studied the two pictures. One was of the White Rabbit and Red Queen doing somersaults and back-flips in their royal bedroom with people in the background holding up signs with the number ten on them. The other picture featured them dancing with monkeys doing outrageous dance moves. Lisa did her best to hold in her laughter as she handed them back.
"Hmm... this looks to be too rich for my blood." said Mad Monty.
"You can do it sir!" said Mr. Smih.
"They're no match for your great skills and great luck!" said Mr. Thurs.
"No no, I'll get them in the next round, I'll fold." said Mad Monty as his cards walked away, with their backs to everybody else, behind him with the two kneeled over and groaning playing card people.
Lisa had the Eight of Spades throw out three more bags for her. The other two gave up and Lisa collected her winnings.
"Hey she's not bad" said Barney as he opened another bag of chips and put another chip in his mouth.
"Yes yes, well played, let us go on to another round!" said Mad Monty.
After Lisa cheered with her cards and thanked them, all the dealt cards walked back to the dealer.
"Thank you for not getting replacing of any of us. I hope that I get dealt to you again," the Eight of Spades said to Lisa.
Lisa smiled as the cards were shuffled again. The Yellow Jester passed out five cards to everyone, but before anybody could replace cards or place bets, a pair of large-nosed, short men wearing hats that looked like upside down cups came and interrupted the game. The two ran into the middle of the board and began excitedly jumping up and down. King Bongomus and the Red Queen rushed over to them.
"What is it? What is the matter? Say something before I take off your heads!" demanded the Red Queen.
The White Rabbit frowned and whispered into the Red Queen's ear.
"What was that? Oh! They're mute, I forgot!" said the queen.
Matthew, the Royal Scribe, handed them a piece of paper and a pencil. The two guards quickly wrote something on the sheet of paper as Lisa wondered what could have been so important that they needed to interrupt their game. Matthew took the sheet back when they were done and a troubled expression overcame his face as he read the message. The queen demanded to know what was wrong, so she snatched the paper and a look of anger filled her face as she read it.
"Someone has killed Senior Bombus Monticola, my favorite royal messenger!" screeched the queen, "I demand to know who this someone is, so HEADS CAN ROLL!!!"
Everyone stood with a look of shock, then of grief and anger, except for Lisa, who began to sweat and wonder if she should tell them the truth before they find out on their own. The Red Queen began looking around at everybody while the playing cards unstacked themselves and began to anxiously talk about the terrible news. Everybody avoided eye contact with the queen as she scanned around for someone to blame. The White Rabbit looked especially upset, and Barney was in tears. Lisa was not sure what to do, she wanted to do the right thing, but she was afraid she would lose her head or possibly worse. She tried to stand away from everyone else to avoid talking about what happened, but as she backed away, she noticed a small object bouncing toward the king and queen. As it grew closer, Lisa realized that it was a light bulb that was hopping on its socket-head.
"Oh me oh my!" cried out the light bulb, "Oh me oh my indeed! Everybody listen up! Everybody quiet down and listen up! I have important information!"
The scribe Matthew rushed over to the light bulb yelling, "Everybody settle down! It seems that Lenny the Light Bulb has something important to tell us."
Everyone grew quiet and gathered around the small talking light bulb as it continued to speak, "I know who killed Senior Bumblebee! I know who killed Senior Bumblebee!"
"Well don't leave us in suspense, say who did the deed already!" cried out Mad Monty.
"Well," said Lenny, "I was doing my job as usual, you know, being a light bulb at the forest rabbit hole exit of Wonderland, when I noticed Senior Bombus Monticola talking to somebody I never seen before. I looked away for a minute or two, he seemed to be trying to ask some girl out to dinner, so I decided to give him some privacy, then I heard some loud sound and... and..."
"And what? Say what you saw before I cut off your socket-head!" demanded the Red Queen.
"I saw the wall around the rabbit hole door fall on our poor friend with some evil-looking girl holding the emergency glass hammer in her hand, like she just broke the wall just to drop it on our good, good friend..." cried Lenny.
"Some evil-looking girl? When did this happen?" asked Matthew the scribe.
Little Lenny told them exactly what time this happened as he tried to choke back tears. Murmurs of shocks and vows of revenge ran through the crowd. Lisa did not like hearing some of the things people planned to do to the killer of their good friend.
"Are you sure he's dead?" asked Mad Monty.
"Well, first I wanted to check if he was really dead or not, but it took a really long time to unscrew myself. I called for help, but nobody was near the rabbit hole exit, it was like none of the forest animals were around at all. After I managed to get myself on the ground without cracking my bulb, I hopped over his body and tried to wake him up, but he wouldn't move. I even ran off and found some female bumblebees to tell him they would go out to dinner with him if he woke up, but he still wouldn't move..."
"He wouldn't wake up when female bumblebees told him they would go out with him? It's true! He must really be dead! He'd come back to life more times than Jebus if he could get a date with a female bumblebee!" cried Mad Monty.
"The female bumblebees stayed to watch his body while I came to tell you the news. It's so awful... why would anybody do it? Why? Why?" cried out Lenny.
"What did this evil-looking girl look like?" asked the queen.
Lisa tried to slip away as Lenny began to describe the killer, "Well, she was about this tall..." Lenny hopped up to the height of Lisa. "She had yellow skin, spiky hair and... she wore an orange dress."
"Why that sounds like- hey, where did the little girl go?" exclaimed Mad Monty.
"She's at the edge of the crowd," cried out Mr. Smih.
"She's trying to get away! She must be the one! She must be the murderer!" cried out Mr. Thurs.
All the playing card men jumped on top of Lisa just before she could get out of the crowd. The angry mob that surrounded her tied her up as she screamed out, "It was an accident! I didn't mean to do it!"
"So you did do it!" said the Red Queen.
"How could you? This is awful-" said Barney as he belched out a bubble that read, "This is most horrendous news. Most horrendous indeed."
"You know what this means! Bring out the royal guillotine!" screeched the Red Queen, "TAKE OFF HER HEAD!!!"
The royal cards rushed up to the giant turtle and took out a massive guillotine from the back of the red box on the turtle's back. They set it up in the center of the giant poker game square, and Lisa was carried to it. Before she was loaded in and placed under the giant blade, the Eight of Spades blocked their way.
"Wait, this is wrong! We can't do this!" said the Eight of Spades.
Lisa felt relieved and began to hope she would make out of this alive after all.
"We need to put this evil little girl on trial first! No matter the crime, we should follow proper procedures!" demanded the Eight of Spades.
"He's right," said Barney the Butterfly as he joined the Eight of Spades in blocking the way, "Mr. Bumblebee would want justice done, not-" A belch bubble interrupted him, but it was popped by a spear before anybody could read what was written in it.
"A trial? But we're angry now! Load her into the guillotine!" screeched the queen.
Lisa and a small crowd struggled to keep her out of the deadly device, but they were outnumbered and ultimately overpowered. As Lisa's neck was placed under the guillotine's massive blade hanging from the top of the lethal contraption, the royal guards held back the crowd of Senior Bumblebee's enraged friends. A wooden board with a half circle, bigger than the width of Lisa's neck but smaller than the size of her head, cut out from the bottom, held her down as the crowd grew more and more agitated. Many wanted her punishment to be worse than beheading, others demanded a trial be held, because a mob execution would have been a dishonor to their friend's memory.
"Please! Stop this madness! We mustn't-"
"Eight of Spades, SHUT YOUR MOUTH!!!" screeched the Red Queen, "Shut your mouth or it'll be OFF WITH YOUR HEAD!!!"
At the sight of their extraordinarily enraged queen, the crowd suddenly became very silent. The two large-nosed men wearing red fezzes prepared to cut the rope which would behead Lisa Simpson. They could not decide who was going to do it, and began hitting each other with the blunt end of their spears.
"Tell those two bloody idiots to stop fighting and start beheading!" screamed Mad Monty.
"OFF WITH HER HEAD, now!!!" screeched the Red Queen.
The two large-nosed men would not stop fighting, two of the guards who were holding back the crowd tried to separate them. A stream of sweat dripped from Lisa's brow, it would not be long before she had no head to sweat with. Her heart was beating in her chest so hard that she would not have been surprised if she heard it thumping even over the Red Queen's constant screams of beheading and revenge. Suddenly, she realized that the ropes binding her had loosened during the struggle to force her into the guillotine, her heart began to beat harder, not out of fear, but out of renewed hope she would get home safely after all.