Kathryn set her book down and snuggled down into the bubbles, leaning her head against the back of the tub. The Doctor had found some relaxing Brazilian music entitled Carinhoso. The gentle sound filled her ears and she let the stress from today flow out of her and into the water. Voyager was currently resting in the orbit of an M-Class planet, one that was extremely welcoming and friendly. It reminded her of Riza, though she'd only visited there only a handful of times. Most of the crew stayed on the planet's facilities, but Kathryn was just glad to stay on her ship without it rocking from attack. In fact, most of the crew was gone, except for Chakotay and Tuvok. Well, and the EMH, but he didn't really have a choice – the planet didn't have any type of holographic emitter to support his program. As the song rounded to its end and the next selection entitled A Lenda Do Cabodo began playing, Kathryn sighed and slowly drifted to sleep.

"Pull out!"

"To where??"

"The closest one!"

"But it leads back to the Delta Quadrant – back to the hub."

"We'd be destroyed in the explosion – it's collapsing, Captain."

As the ship shook, I hesitated. God, of all times to draw a blank. I always worked best under pressure, but my heart was torn. Home, it was right there, I could almost see it. I could almost convince myself I was seeing it ahead.

"Captain, we need an answer."

The ground beneath my feet was rattling. My chair beneath me was shaking. I was shaking, and it wasn't the turbulence. I couldn't let my ship be torn, let my crew die slowly in suffocation. But home.

"Captain..." Chakotay's arm fell on my shoulder and I looked over at him. Tears cornered my eyes, I couldn't help it.

"Pull out, Harry."

"Don't Harry, don't!" Kathryn flew up. She sat in silence, the water sloshing around her. Her heart was pounding. She felt her pulse in her fingertips and she could see herself trembling.

-

Chakotay sat on the Bridge, looking over a PADD, but paused when the Turbo Lift opened and turned around. It could only be one of three people anyways, and he was glad to see it was Kathryn.

"Evening, Captain," he said, smiling as she passed. But she seemed to be distracted by her thoughts and simply walked in the Ready Room. Chakotay frowned and paused before he stood. Did he really want to disturb her right now?

-

Kathryn looked at her computer monitor that outlined all the hubs. They had gotten a pretty good map, but it was worthless now. And it wasn't the fact that they hadn't made it home that gnawed her up inside, though it did. It was the minor detail that they were literally one exit aperture away from home. It was right there, right in her grasp. She could see the blue-green sphere, hear the people cheer and fireworks explode. It put her to the brink of suicide to think that she let something so close get her to exactly where they didn't want to be. Her bell rang, but it dissipated in her image of home. Her mother and sister. She could see her home... it was right there. Right there.

"Kathryn."

Kathryn shook her head and looked up.

"I know you don't daze out like that unless you have a good reason," Chakotay said.

"My mind has just been wondering the last few weeks, Commander. No need to go to Red Alert," Kathryn said with a smirk.

"I do though – it's my job as your right hand man."

"And yet ironically you set to my left."

"Stop covering yourself, Kathryn. It's getting pathetic," Chakotay said. He saw her eyes flash, but return to their normal protective state. He held her gaze, and slowly he watched as the strong barrier began to erode.

Kathryn stood up and walked to in front of her window, folding her arms across her chest and looking out. He certainly had a way with hitting her soft spot. He didn't even have to say anything, just look at her with those compassionate and open eyes. She wanted to tell him everything, all her troubles, all her worries, everything. But she didn't know how to, or where to begin.

His heart was torn. Chakotay's body ached with the need to get up and lace his arms around her. Why couldn't she just let him know, just this one time, what was bothering her so much? Then it struck him.

"I can't help but wonder if I made another unforgivable mistake, Chakotay."

Her voice. It ripped the shreds of his heart left. It was so pained, so choked back – she sounded as though she might cry.

Kathryn turned and faced him as he still sat in front of her desk. "First the Caretaker, now the hub..."

"We wouldn't have made it."

"It was only 5,000 kilometers away. We could have endured it. I've ran the simulation in the holodeck a million times. We would have made it home."

"We didn't know then what we know now."

"We've made bigger risks in the past and everything turned out fine in the end."

"Not this big – this was astronomically not in our favor, even Tuvok pronounced it was illogical."

"His logic hasn't stopped me before. Nothing's stopped me before, nothing in my life has frozen me like that," Kathryn said, but she sighed and slightly recoiled - there, she had spilled, but she didn't find the satisfaction that she thought she would.

"We all have our moments, Kathryn," Chakotay said in a firm compassion, his eyes blazing. "You're just as human as I am, as Harry is, or as Tom is. But you can't focus on your mistakes; it will tear down your tower of strength and leave you in the rubble."

Kathryn watched him, absorbing his every intelligent word. He was so good to her. She paused, half thinking of what she was going to say, and half expecting the Red Alert lights to flash them back into their tortured reality. "You're right," she said simply, giving a tight smile. Chakotay shifted, looking at her more deeply now. The light reflected across his dark flesh, and his tattoo shined across at her.

"I hope you truly believe that. Because my heart is telling me that you don't," Chakotay said. His words struck her like lightning. She looked longingly at the door, and then at the floor, her boots gleaming up at her.

"Chakotay," Kathryn started. She paused, looking up at him as if he could tell her what to say next. "I want with all my heart to put it behind me. But like the Caretaker, I just can't. I've jeopardized us once again, and no words could ever quail my dreams, my thoughts and my memory. I can hear what you are saying, but they only make me feel worse. I can't let go, Chakotay. You can't comprehend how I feel right now-"

"You feel," Chakotay interrupted abruptly. "Like you've let your team down. Like losing the game, and now you have to drag yourselves home. You're told that it wasn't your fault, but you feel utterly responsible. They're just saying it to make you feel better anyways. It was you that made that decision, you that spoke the words, how could they refuse? They couldn't say no, you'd punish them. And yet ironically you've punished them and yourself."

Kathryn closed her eyes, feeling the wetness below them burning her eyelids. She refused to cry, her brain was screaming at her like an angry and disappointed coach.

"You see, I've felt that way before too," Chakotay said, standing up in shaky hesitance. But he had to show how he felt, because he knew his actions spoke louder than his words to her. "When I brought my crew to the Delta Quadrant and had to give them up to my enemy. Not only did I go hiding in the most dangerous anomaly in the Alpha Quadrant, I put them under fire from a larger, much more powerful ship. Then to let someone else take charge. To become number two, and learn to stand by and watch. They were ashamed of me, Kathryn. I ate alone for so long, and received so many disgusted looks. Even B'Elanna hated me, and she was my best friend when I arrived here." He paused and realized that he had tears brimming at the corners of his eyes. The memories brought back strong, lonely emotions. "You think you're all alone, but you're not. Not only is our crew here for you, but I'm here for you."

Kathryn stood there, a few feet away from him, in awe. She had no idea he had been alone - he certainly seemed to be a popular guy at the parties and such. She was at a loss for words; because there was nothing really she could say. Her mind was running blank for the second time in her life now, and it was not a gratifying moment. Just when she thought she have to run out of the Ready Room to her quarters, the bell rang and they both jolted as if shocked back into the real world. Kathryn gave Chakotay another glance, and he sat down in front of her desk again. He seemed to mechanically look at the wall, as if he didn't want to see whoever it was at the door. "Come in," Kathryn said in her husky voice. It seemed so low, but it was probably because she felt so winded from Chakotay's openness. Tuvok stood patiently at her door, his hands placed neatly behind him and he entered with a bowed head.

"I hope I am not intruding on anything of importance," Tuvok said as his sharp eyes shifted from his Captain to his Commander.

"What is it you need, Tuvok?" Kathryn asked, rather than lying and saying it wasn't important.

"It seems that there has been an excessive amount of a type of alcoholic consumption. I just received a message from one of my security officers that there was a fight between Lieutenant Paris and a few other crewmembers. I came seeking permission to beam down and clean up this quite illogical and chaotic mess," the Vulcan said in his usual monotone, matter- of-factly voice.

"Permission granted. It is getting late though, Tuvok. Are you intending to beam back this evening?" Kathryn said, avoiding Chakotay's iced glare at her back wall.

"In fact, I do not. Since the outrages will more than likely continue throughout the evening, I found it highly logical that I remain on the surface of the planet. Mr. Neelix has reserved some suitable quarters, and I shall be returning tomorrow morning."

"Understood, Commander. You are dismissed," Kathryn said. Tuvok nodded and stepped out of her Ready Room, leaving the command team under a once again, gnawing silence.

"You have to delete them," Chakotay said after a short while, as though making sure Tuvok was gone before he spoke.

"What are you talking about?"

"The maps. Of the hub. You have to delete them."

"Why would I, they could prove useful if we were to ever encounter one of the hubs again?"

"Seven has already stated that each hub is distinctly designed for their specific region. There will be no other hub like it."

"But Starfleet will need to see them-"

"Yes, I suppose that after we are all long dead, that they would find our immobile ship," Chakotay spat bitterly in a raised voice, not turning his head from her wall. Kathryn sighed internally - this was how they usually ended an awkward moment. He would make her mad, make her stomp out and go to her quarters where she would weep endlessly, questioning why she had opened herself up to him. But she knew all to well she had done the same thing to him. One time was one time too many, and one seemed like the smallest, most impossible number of times he had hurt him.

"Okay, I'll delete them," Kathryn said, taking a different approach. She stepped over behind her desk and began to type in her command code to delete the files when his hand laid restraining on top of hers. Kathryn paused her typing, looking down at her hand beneath his, and briefly filed the image away for a sad, lonely day. His warm and slightly damp hand seemed to clash with her dainty and pale one. The sun-kissed tan of summers ago was long faded with the lights of a starship.

"Don't," Chakotay finally said, as if she had kept going and had just now paused. "You're right, Starfleet would want them."

Kathryn looked up from their hands and to his face.

He was looking at their hands too, though once he felt her eyes on him; he too glanced up at her, meeting her glowing blue eyes. They looked at him a moment longer, the eyes of yester-year, but suddenly flashed. She withdrew her hand and stood up from her bent over position from over the monitor.

"I think I'm growing a little tired, Commander."

A tight lump of authority grew in his throat at the word 'Commander'. He knew that she had bottled this moment up once again and stored it away. Chakotay slowly rose from his seat, and turned towards the door. "Then I'll bid you goodnight, Captain." He wanted to burst out of the room, but he didn't - he knew that he had to go back to the Bridge; his duty shift was not yet over. Slowly, he accented and went back to his seat, watching her grace past him. Once the echoing swish faded in his mind, Chakotay sighed and stared emptily ahead at the view screen. With still lips, and closed eyes, he prayed that he hadn't lost the woman from his dreams, the woman of New Earth, the Kathryn behind the Captain.