CHAPTER 30
Snape's Worst Memory
"Potter!"
James turned around, and faced a newly hexed Snape, his red mohawk screaming "God save the Queen" at top volume. He was glaring at James from the entrance of the Potions room.
"Well, you shouldn't have bumped into me," said James. "You'd think you'd learn after a while, Snivelly."
Snape's pale face turned red with anger, and he grabbed his wand and pointed it at James. There was a flash of pain from James's stomach as an invisible force socked him one. He fell back, gasping for breath. Snape smiled as he waltzed over to look down at him. He was flat on his back.
"Not so strong when the rest of your gang aren't around, are you?" Snape snarled. "See you in Transfiguration."
And with that, he stalked away, leaving James to try to catch his breath on the floor. Some of the class that was still exiting the room looked down at him, wondering what on Earth he was doing on the floor.
"Hey, Prongs, what are you doing down there?" Sirius's face appeared next to the ceiling.
James, finally getting a hold of his breathing, stood up, still shaking.
"Oh, he's gonna pay," he gasped. "He's gonna pay for that one."
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The second half of fifth year flew by very fast, and James found himself walking towards the changing rooms for his last Quidditch game of the season. But he was met with disappointment. Dennis was sadly telling the team that they would have to forfeit.
"What? Why?" James asked as he closed the tent flap behind him.
"Avery has a broken leg," Greasings said. "She's up in the hospital. Was practicing late last night and fell."
"We have no Seeker," Dennis said. "There hasn't been a game without a Seeker since the World Cup of 1612 in which they mistook a goalpost for a player."
"Well, then can't we find an alternate?" James asked.
"We don't have any reserves this year," Dennis said.
"Then one of us can be Seeker."
"What?" Diggle said. "Are you nutters? Who here is small enough to do that job?"
James grinned a slight grin, and then looked at Dennis. "I know how to play Seeker, Dennis. And there are two other Chasers. Just leave the Snitch to me, and I promise that we'll win."
"It's never been done before," Dennis said. "Just two Chasers?"
"Is this another plot to get your name heard through the school?" Graham snorted.
"No, it's a plot to get all our names on the trophy," James said. "Unless you have a better idea."
Dennis thought for a moment, and then nodded in agreement. "James, you're seeker. Just for today. This is lunacy --- I can't remember a single time when a player has traded positions ---"
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"And here's the lineup for today," Davey Gudgeon's voice sounded through the stadium. "There's been a slight change of positions --- on the Gryffindor team, we have newcomer Keeper this year Deborah Blunkins, Chasers Dennis Berster and Kenneth Graham. Yes, that's right. Only two of them. Beaters --- newcomer Geraldus Diggle and Orlick Greasings, and finally reserve Seeker James Potter!"
The stands went wild as James flew onto the pitch, waving happily at the crowd. He saw the Snitch in Darsing's hand as she let it and the Bludgers go.
"And the Snitch is released!" Davey said. "And there goes the Quaffle, the whistle is blown, and --- Potter already sees the Snitch?"
James had not let his eyes leave the tiny little ball. It was now zooming out of his reach next to Graham's trollish head. He dove for it, and the ball was off.
"I can't believe it! It's already been spotted. Slytherin Seeker Harolds is trying to keep up with James, but even on a Cleansweep two, he's doing miracles. Here he goes. This could actually be the game. And-"
James thrust his hand forward. A Bludger raced towards him, and he retreated his hand. The Snitch was still in front of him. It was still so close. He grabbed for it, and caught it.
"AND IT'S A NEW RECORD OR SOMETHING!" Davey shouted in excitement. "JAMES POTTER HAS CAUGHT THE SNITCH, TEN SECONDS INTO THE GAME! ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTY TO ZILCH, GRYFFINDOR! Will he ever fail to amaze us?"
Graham looked very sour as James dropped to the ground, Snitch still in hand. He had done the impossible, and Dennis looked like he was about to cry.
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The career advice meeting with Professor McGonagall seemed to drag on for Sirius. At least he had gotten out of Defense Against the Dark Arts for it, and he was now waiting for the last student to get out of the office and go back to class.
Five minutes later, a skinny boy exited into the hall, and Sirius heard his name being called from inside. He had been in this office before, many times. But never alone.
He sat in the chair opposite Professor McGonagall's, and waited for her to begin lecturing him.
"Sirius Black," she said, taking out his marks. "Very impressive, I assure you. Who would have ever thought. Top marks in everything. Especially Defense Against the Dark Arts. Well, have you thought of what you may want to be after leaving Hogwarts?"
"An Auror," Sirius said, very sure of himself. Professor McGonagall looked quite surprised at his answer, and a small smile escaped onto her face.
"Well, Mr. Black," she said. "Very --- unexpected. I would recommend taking N.E.W.T. level Potions, Herbology, Tranfiguration, Charms, and Defense Against the Dark Arts. And I don't take just anyone into my N.E.W.T. classes, Mr. Black. You must have at least an Exceeds Expectations on your O.W.L. I know that the same goes for Defense Class, regardless of who may be teaching it next year."
"So there's a chance," he said. "There's a chance of me actually becoming an Auror?"
"Yes, Mr. Black," she continued, her smile growing. "It will, of course, take three extra years of education after Hogwarts. And you are aware of Headmaster Dumbledore sponsoring you in the tuition of that education if you do decide to pursue that particular career?"
"I've heard something about it," Sirius said. "Is it really that expensive?"
"It depends from student to student," Professor McGonagall said. "Now, do you have any questions on the profession, regulations, requirements?"
"No," he said, standing up. "Can I get back to class now?"
"Yes, and thank you, Mr. Black." She waved to the door, and he saw Helga Bones waiting outside, ready to be let in.
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O.W.L.s were approaching at an alarming rate. It seemed that they had just crept up on them out of nowhere. Only Sirius and James felt ready whatsoever.
Remus was constantly studying, spending more time focusing on books than he had before (if it were even possible). Peter returned to following him around, trying to get extra help with his work. Sirius and James, while everyone else was found in the library or in the common room, could be found out on the Quidditch pitch, throwing a Quaffle back and forth, or trying to sneak past Hagrid's hut to get into the forest (somewhere they had never gone). Hagrid always seemed to catch them, though, and shoo them back towards the castle.
Finally, the day came when the schedules were handed out, and they found themselves facing two weeks of pure agony. The judges arrived, and one by one they took their tests, starting with Charms and finally driving into Defense Against the Dark Arts.
This was the one that had the entire school very worried. There was so much material to cover, and they had no idea what exactly to expect. Professor wasn't being especially helpful in telling them anything.
Remus felt somewhat confident about the test. Peter had no idea what the class was even about, and James was loathing the entire subject so much that he was bragging about possibly skipping the test altogether.
"Quidditch players don't need Defense Against the Dark Arts," he said one night to Sirius.
Sirius, on the other hand, was remembering what Professor McGonagall had said to him during their discussion. He needed top marks. He was very eager to get it over and done with.He studied incessantly with Lupin, nearly forgetting there was anything else in the world to do. If he could pass all of them, if he could become an Auror --- then his life would change for good.
And soon, before they knew it, the four of them were sitting in the exam, trying their best to finish up in the bit of time they had left. James, of course, had completed the test early, and had gone to drawing a snitch on his extra pieces of parchment. He looked to Sirius when Flitwick gave the five minute signal, and Sirius, his face glowing, gave a thumbs up. He had done it.
"Well, I thought that paper was a piece of cake!" he boasted to his friends as they walked from the exam minutes later, instinctively turning for the lake, "I'll be surprised if I don't get an Outstanding on it at least!"
"Me too," said James. He put his hand in his pocket and took out a struggling Golden Snitch.
"Where'd you get that?"
"Nicked it," James said casually. He had stolen it from the last Quidditch match, and they all knew it. Remus gave a bit of a groan as James started playing with it, letting it fly as much as a foot away and seizing it again. Peter found this very impressive as he watched in awe.
The sunlight was dazzling on the smooth surface of the lake, on the bank of which Lily and her friends sat with their shoes and socks off, cooling their feet in the water. James watched her for a moment, letting a bit of a smile creep up his cheeks. She was so beautiful, so perfect. She was laughing, splashing Elise and Mary with her kicks in the water. All three of them were obviously relieved the O.W.L.s were over, just as he and his friends were.
He wished he could sit next to her.
As the boys took a seat on the grass, Remus saw James staring, and followed his gaze. There were the girls again, Lily looking just as beautiful as ever. Of course James would be staring, and if any of those girls saw him doing so, they'd stare right back. Except for maybe Elise --- he had seen her looking at the back of Sirius's head for a good portion of the exam.
Remus felt very mellow as he reluctantly whipped out a book and began to read. He couldn't look at them anymore. None of them would look at him, especially Lily Evans. And if she did, what would he say? What would he do? James would kill him, first off. And if James didn't, then the wolf would be sure to kill her ---
His nose went deeper into the book.
"I'm bored," Sirius groaned, "Wish it was full moon."
The other three had been having a bit of an argument on James's annoying habit with the Snitch, and James had finally stuffed it away. Remus gave Sirius a look of disbelief.
"You might, "he said darkly, and then pointed to his book, "We've still got Transfiguration. If you're bored, you could test me --- Here."
James heard Lily laugh again from the water, and his eyes drifted once more from where he sat and to where she was. Her green eyes were so bright, dancing in the sun like the light caught on the surface of the lake. Her red hair was shining, her perfect body was splayed out, resting in the grass. He wished he could hold her.
But he soon realized he wasn't the only one wishing this.
There was Snivellus Snape, emerging from the bushes, stuffing his O.W.L. papers into his bag and trudging over to the girls to join them. This shouldn't have bothered James one bit, but today, he saw something he didn't normally catch. He saw that Lily had looked Snape's way. She had seen he was coming. And the look she'd worn --- it was meant for no one to see, but James had caught it. Oh, had he caught it.
It had been a look of worry. A look of fear.
Snape wouldn't leave her be.
"I don't need to look at that rubbish! I know it all," Sirius huffed, throwing Remus's book at him.
"This'll liven you up, Padfoot," James said quietly, "Look who it is."
Sirius's head turned. He became very still, like a dog that has scented a rabbit.
"Excellent," Sirius grinned, "Snivellus."
Like a well-timed dance, the two friends stood from their patch of grass and began to make their way to the Slytherin boy who'd had it coming. Remus, seeing the two of them off, said nothing. Nothing would stop it, he had tried. And it would only cause trouble to interfere.
"All right, Snivellus?" James shouted, and Severus dropped his bag and plunged his hands inside his robes. His wand was halfway into the air when James said, "Expelliramus!"
Snape's wand flew twelve feet into the air and fell with a thud in the grass behind him. Sirius let out a bark of laughter.
"Impedimenta!" he said, pointing his wand at Snape, who was knocked off his feet, halfway through a dive toward his own fallen wand.
Students all around had turned to watch. Some of them had gotten to their feet and were edging nearer to watch. Some looked apprehensive, others entertained.
Severus lay panting on the ground. James and Sirius advanced on him, wands up, James glancing over his shoulder at the girls at the water's edge. Was Lily watching? Did she see what he was doing?
Peter flew to his feet, trying to watch. Remus did nothing.
"How'd the exam go, Snivelly!" James said.
"I was watching him! His nose was touching the parchment!" Sirius said viciously, "There'll be great grease marks all over it, they won't be able to read a word!"
Several people in their audience laughed, but neither James nor Sirius found this necessarily funny. They were going to finish this git off once and for all.
Severus was trying to get up, but the jinx was still operating on him; he was struggling, as though bound by invisible ropes.
"You --- wait ---" Severus panted, staring up at James with an expression of purest loathing, "You --- wait ---"
"Wait for what?" Sirius said coolly, "What're you going to do, Snivelly, wipe your nose on us?"
Severus let out a stream of mixed swearwords and hexes, but his wand being ten feet away nothing happened.
"Wash out your mouth," said James coldly, "Scourgify!"
Pink soap bubbles streamed from Severus's mouth at once; the froth was covering his lips, making him gag, choking him ---
"Leave him ALONE!"
The scene stopped. James and Sirius froze in mid-spell, Severus fell to the ground, trying to breathe. Remus looked up from his book, terrified. Peter scampered beside him. And the students surrounding the battle were mesmerized.
Lily Evans rushed to Severus's side, as Severus continued to turn blue. Seeing him in such pain, she turned her flaring green eyes to James. James, who was very confused at all this, mussed his hair, trying to look presentable --- trying to figure out what the hell was going on --- he had saved her! He had --- she hadn't wanted to talk to Snape --- Snape was bothering her --- or had he --- had she --- been worried for him ---
"All right, Evans?" James managed to say.
"Leave him alone," Lily repeated, "What's he done to you!"
"Well," he said, now enraged, "It's more the fact that he exists, if you know what I mean!"
Everyone laughed. Remus threw his head back into his book, his eyes glaring at James disapprovingly over the spine.
"God damn it, James," he grumbled to himself, seeing Lily grow even more infuriated.
"You think you're funny!" she said coldly, "But you're just an arrogant, bullying toerag, Potter! Leave him alone!"
Severus felt his heart leap from under the suds. He could see Lily standing above him, placing herself between him and Potter. She was such a magnificent girl ---
James saw this expression crawl onto Snivelly's sallow face. And it is then that he understood. He understood everything between the two that stood before him. Severus Snape and Lily Evans --- they loved each other --- and he didn't give a damn in what capacity or how or how much --- but Lily loved that sniveling little --- how could she?!
Years later, he would think it would be that bit of a push that made him say what he had wanted to say for a long time. And, for better or worse, he said it.
"I will if you go out with me, Evans," he said quickly, unable to think.
Lily's eyes bugged. Severus's were even larger.
Remus dropped his book in his lap.
"Go on ---" James kept up his courage as everyone went mute.
Severus's hands clenched. He swallowed the nasty soap bubbles down his throat, clenching his teeth, grating them together. His mind had exploded into a thousand pieces. No. No, no no! He wouldn't let it happen!
"Go out with me," James offered, seeing Lily's look of amazement, "And I'll never lay a wand on old Snivelly again."
It was taking everything inside of Severus to battle off Sirius's jinx and inch slowly toward his fallen wand. He'd kill James Potter! He'd murder him where he stood! Not Lily! He wouldn't let her ---
"I wouldn't go out with you," Lily said solidly, her loathing growing to an ultimate, "If it was a choice between you and the giant squid!"
James's world broke.
"Bad luck, Prongs," Sirius said briskly, turning back to Snape and catching him, "Oi!"
But too late. Severus had directed his wand straight at James.
Sectumsempra! Severus screamed in his head.
There was a flash of light and a gash appeared on the side of James's face, spattering his robes with blood. James whirled about, infuriated. A second flash of light later, Severus was hanging upside down in the air, his robes falling over his head to reveal skinny, pallid legs and a pair of graying underpants.
The crowd erupted in laughter.
Lily, whose furious expression twitched, screamed, "LET HIM DOWN!"
"Certainly!" James spat, and he jerked his wand upwards. Severus fell into a crumpled heap on the ground. Disentangling himself from his robes, he got to his feet, wand up, but Sirius said, "Locomortis!" and he keeled over once again, rigid as a board.
"LEAVE HIM ALONE!" Lily thrashed her own wand to James and Sirius, and they eyed it wearily.
"Ah, Evans," James said, half laughing, "Don't make me hex you!"
"Take the curse off him, then!"
James, seeing he was never to win this war with Lily Evans, and seeing that his audience was growing quite impatient, gave a bit of a sigh before turning to Snivelly and muttering the countercurse.
"There you go," he said darkly as Severus pathetically struggled to his feet, "You're lucky Evans was here, Snivellus ---"
Severus saw James, standing above him, gloating with Lily near his side. He heard the laughter of the crowd surrounding them. He saw Mulciber there, standing alongside Avery and Nott and Lucius --- they had been laughing --- he knew what they were thinking --- Lily Evans, a Mudblood, had saved Severus Snape from the twit James Potter. Tears were preparing to flood, his head aching with being upside down. He glared at Lily.
"I don't need help from filthy little Mudbloods like her!" he spat it out like venom, knowing it was what would hurt her the most. He felt a bit of pride in himself as the crowd grew silent once again, staring at him. The Slytherins grinned widely.
Lily was stunned. She could do nothing but stare at him, blinking. Her green eyes faded, turned against him. And in an instant, he knew he had made the gravest mistake of his life.
"Fine," Lily said mercilessly, "I won't bother you in the future."
Severus was struck.
"And I'd wash your pants if I were you, Snivelly!"
"Apologize to Evans!" James demanded, brashly threatening Snape with his wand.
"I don't want you to make him apologize!" Lily shouted, rounding on James, "You're as bad as he is ---"
"What!" James barked, hurt beyond belief, "I'd never call you a --- a you-know-what!"
"Messing up your hair because you think it looks cool to look like you've just gotten off your broomstick, showing off with that stupid Snitch! Walking down corridors and hexing anyone who annoys you just because you can! I'm surprise your broomstick can get off the ground with that fat head on it!" and turning to both boys, she screamed, "YOU MAKE ME SICK!"
And she was off.
"Evans!" James shouted, "Hey, EVANS!"
But she didn't look back.
Severus stood there, behind James, unable to speak or move or run after her. He had lost her. He had lost her forever and he knew it.
"What is it with her!" James said, disheveled, trying to shrug it off --- trying to keep his cool in front of the crowd. He was trying and failing to look as though this was a throwaway question of no real importance to him, but Sirius knew better.
"Reading between the lines," Sirius said, trying to take over for him, sounding loud for their audience, "I'd say she thinks you're a bit conceited, mate!"
James was furious. He brushed past Sirius and came face to face with Snivellus. He had now just realized his victim was still here.
"Right," he said, "Right ---"
Another flash of light. Severus was once again hanging upside down in the air. And this time, he didn't fight back.
"Who wants to see me take off Snivelly's pants!" James laughed.
Remus slammed his book shut, giving a sigh, and grabbed his prefect badge from inside his bag as he got to his feet. It had gone on long enough.
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Sev's thin, grey hand rapped frantically on the portrait. The Fat Lady screamed out with every punch he threw.
"My word!"
"Lily Evans!" he screamed, not caring if Mrs. Norris or Filch or the Bloody Baron or Peeves --- if anyone --- heard! "Lily! Please!"
No answer came.
"Evans, I swear I won't stop until you answer me!"
The portrait opened, and Sev felt his heart heave. It only heaved again when he saw it wasn't Lily. There stood Mary Macdonald, the Mudblood he had watched being thrown upside down only months ago. And neither looked too happy with this encounter.
"Severus Snape, leave," she said quietly, "You're going to wake the whole tower."
"Good!" Severus said, exasperated, "Good! Then Lily'll wake up!"
"She doesn't want to see you," she said, "Now please go."
"I'll sleep out here all night! I swear I will! I'll sit here screaming the whole damned night!"
Mary, her eyes rolling, slammed the portrait in his face, and he went back to slamming his fists into the Fat Lady's stomach and arms.
"Lily! I know you can hear me!" he said, "I'm sorry, Lily! I'm sorry! I didn't mean ---"
The portrait opened again. And this time, his heart heaved even more. This time, it was Lily.
She was wearing a dressing gown, her arms folded, her eyes bloodshot.
"Have you been crying?" he asked her. His voice was cracked from screaming, his eyes nearly as red as hers.
She said nothing. He had never seen her hurt so much. Not when Petunia bullied her, not when Davey broke it off with her, not even when she failed her first Transfiguration exam!
"I'm sorry," he said.
"I'm not interested," she said in a voice so inaudible he almost didn't hear her.
"I'm sorry!"
"Save your breath!" Lily warned him, "I only came out here because Mary told me you were threatening to sleep here!"
So she did still care!
"I was," Severus said, a bit proud of himself. How was that for devotion? "I would have done!"
Lily glared at him.
"I --- I never meant to call you Mudblood," he tried to explain, "It just ---"
"Slipped out?!" there was no pity left from Lily Evans, "It's too late!"
"No –--" Severus moaned.
"I've made excuses for you for years! None of my friends can understand why I even talk to you! You and your precious little Death Eater friends ---" Snape said nothing in protest, "See! You see! You don't even deny it! You don't even deny that's what you're all aiming to be! You can't wait to join You-Know-Who, can you?!"
He opened his mouth, but closed it without speaking. He saw Klein's dark eyes thrown in front of him, threatening to tell if he ever said a word ---
And Lily, being the smart girl she was, saw this change in her old friend's expression.
"I can't pretend anymore," she finally said, "You've chosen your way, I've chosen mine."
"NO!" Severus begged her, "No --- listen to me --- I didn't mean ---"
"--- to call me Mudblood? But you call everyone of my birth Mudblood, Severus! Why should I be any different?!"
You are different! Severus cried in his mind, You are different!
He struggled to say this out loud, but he couldn't get his mouth and tongue to work. Lily waited, but nothing came. And so, with a breaking heart, she turned from him and climbed back through the portrait hole.
And Severus collapsed outside the Fat Lady, unable to move. He knew, deep down in his gut, that Lily Evans's green eyes would never look at him again.
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After that day, everything changed. All knew that their childhood had ended with that spring day. They knew that they were now edging closer and closer to the edge of school, and would soon dive off into a world that not one of them had experienced before. They had all chosen their paths, for good or worse, and there was no turning back.
As James fell asleep on the night of the Defense Against the Dark Arts test, Dumbledore's words came back to him loud and clear.
"I call you children because that is what you are. You have not fended for yourselves, you have not felt the terrible blows that life gives you. As we speak, there is hatred and prejudice residing in our world's heart. Now a man can make a difference in the world, even if it is a small one. We all have fates, including me. We can choose to make that fate one that will bring hope, or one that will bring destruction. Times are changing, and we must grow wiser for it. So now I must encourage you --- I must beg you --- when you leave these school walls and enter this world, to not be as idiotic and imbecilic as the generation before you."
His hands clenched into fists, and he felt his body tense. He knew that Sirius's excuse for being too young to help was slowly being extinguished. They would be of age in two years, and then what?
Then I fight, James thought to himself.
And for my friends.