Title: Masters of Going Nowhere
Author: AznSage
Disclaimer: Don't own, don't sue.
Pairings: Naruto/Sasuke (Probably in that order. Actually, I don't know.), minor pairings--i.e. Lee/Sakura, Shikamaru/Ino.
Rating: PG-13
Note: People, please read these notes. These are kinda important so that people don't ask me stupid questions in the reviews, okay? 1) They're nineteen. 2) This is one crack and isn't supposed to make sense because it's my crack outlet. Thank you. /bows/
"…Naruto!"
"What?! I'm staying with Naruto?!"
"Oh, no, I was just acting surprised 'cause he showed up behind you." She pointed behind Sasuke and waved to the aforementioned blond in greeting. "Whaddaya want, brat?"
"Shut up, hag. I'm not here looking for you." He nodded his head towards Sasuke. "I'm looking for this bastard." He had obviously overcome his earlier bout of perversion, now returning to his normal self. At least as normal as he could get around Sasuke. As in…can-regularly-breathe normal. Or perhaps, can-act-like-he-isn't-attracted-to-him normal. You know. Normal.
"What do you want, dobe?" The childhood name had never lost its charm.
"Ah, I just realized that the shorts you took were the ones I meant to take to the wash yesterday. But then we got wasted so I forgot." He scratched his head in embarrassment and pointed down in the crotch area. "There's a wee bit of a rice wine stain there…"
Tsunade just laughed at what that really looked like.
And Sasuke…went pink.
"Damnit, Naruto! You should've told me that before I left your place!"
The blond held up his hands defensively. "Well, it's kinda hard to when I'm distracted! Besides, what kinda moron runs up to someone and says that he has to borrow clothing!"
"Well it's only because someone destroyed my house and all my stuff in it!"
"Look, I told you! That wasn't my fault!"
"Oh yeah?!"
"Yeah?!"
"Boys, boys, please. There's a simple solution to this, really."
"Oh?" Sasuke blinked at her, fury barely concealed behind his eyes.
"Yes, of course! I'm Hokage after all, I have to have brilliant ideas!"
"Really, you hag? Then what is it?"
"Sasuke, please don't take this personally."
Sasuke blinked at her, confused. "I'm sure I won't. Just spill it."
"Well then, Sasuke…STRIP!"
"WHAT?!" Both boys looked at her stupefied.
"Well, if you take those dirty pants off, I can get you some spare pants from my office. I keep a whole wardrobe here since I live around here. The Hokage tower is only down the street, it'll be more convenient for you to go and change there."
Sasuke pondered this for a moment and did indeed realize that was true. The closest person to the market was Lee and Neji. And, well, he didn't want to revisit the blue spandex of doom. No siree Bob! He was going to go for the Hokage tower on this one.
"Fine…not like I have any other choice. Not as close as that one anyway."
"Great! Naruto, you can come along too so that Sasuke can give you your pants back."
"…Right." Naruto made no comment as to how wrong that sounded.
The trio strode purposefully towards the Hokage tower, the imminent pants change in mind of all three. Sasuke had been feeling self-conscious from wearing the embarrassingly stained pants and had kept very close behind Tsunade in the hopes of not attracting more attention than necessary. Tsunade had been madly grinning in front of the other two boys, her inner fangirl dancing around in joy. Naruto…just tried to think about having Sasuke strip twice in front of him in a day.
Surprisingly, the walk had been fairly uneventful, minus one Shikamaru giving the trio an odd look, which quickly changed to dawning understanding, smirking, and then a thumbs-up to Naruto. When they arrived at the Hokage tower, Tsunade had run ahead to whisper something to Shizune, with which the younger apprentice reacted initially with surprise, then just with disapproving, then quickly to "oh well, I'll just leave you alone then." Tsunade seemed to be about to burst from laughter.
The older woman ushered the two into her apartment, situated within the Hokage tower just adjacent to her office. She had found it more convenient rather than commuting everyday. She was a lazy one, after all.
She turned around and grinned at the two men at her door and devilishly clapped her hands together, suppressing a smirk the whole way through. "Alright, Sasuke! You have a choice of girl pants or guy pants!"
"Well, obviously, guy pants."
"Well, that's too bad because I only have girl pants!" Before Sasuke could even protest at that, she had shoved him into the bathroom with several pairs of what appeared to be skirts and dresses more than pants. "It may be easier for you to be a girl if you wanna fit in some of them!" She shouted enthusiastically into the bathroom.
Meanwhile, in the bathroom, Sasuke just glared at the articles of clothing now piled on top of his arms.
"Oh, and Sasuke, just wear them! I'm sure you're comfortable enough with your masculinity to wear women's clothing!"
Sasuke just glared at the clothing some more.
"Or are you not man enough to wear them?" She said teasingly.
Sasuke growled back at her. "Damnit! Of course I'm man enough!"
"Then change into a woman and wear them! Oh, and I remind you, I'm very full-bodied, so you may have to use Naruto's Oiroke no Jutsu to make the clothes fit better!" She tried to stifle her laughter. Naruto was just a bit curious as to how Sasuke would look as a girl. Though, he bet the difference wouldn't be by much since he looked like a girl on a daily basis anyway. Though, to be honest, he was still curious as to how Sasuke would look like in Tsunade's old clothing.
Inside the bathroom, Sasuke formed the familiar bon kyu bon combination of seals to perform Oiroke no Jutsu and quickly dressed. Slamming the door open, the brunet walked out confidently, not for one moment finding it odd that the heels and the old kimono was surprisingly comfortable. Yes, heels and an old kimono. It was the only thing he found that could fit him anyway.
"Wow, I didn't know you could tie the obi on the kimono by yourself." Naruto blinked in surprise at the elegant image that female Sasuke made. It was quite exquisite. Like staring at a bad-tempered, ninja geisha. The blond quickly tried to suppress the drool that was waiting to come out by thinking of things like Gai-sensei's eyebrows.
"Sasuke! You look so darling!" Tsunade ruffled his hair and patted him on the back whole heartedly. "Now give Naruto his pants back and you can be on your way now."
Sasuke pushed away the thought of wanting to bite her hand for touching his hair and opted for glaring at her instead. "You know, you still didn't tell me who I was staying with." He suavely tossed Naruto's pants at him as he said this.
"Ohhh yes. Right, well, you're staying with Kiba! Isn't he so nice as to volunteer?"
Sasuke glared at her drolly. "I barely know Kiba."
"Yeah, but he said something about how it'd be cool with him having you there anyway since Shino's around and he's used to living with the silent types already. Besides, he can't just leave a fellow ninja on the lurch like that when they've got no place to stay." She winked at him and grinned again. The amount of time this woman gave off that grin was actually beginning to scare Sasuke a bit. It gave chills down his spine, like he should be sneezing because someone was talking about him behind his back.
"Right. Can I have the address please?"
"Oh pah! Sasuke, you can have Naruto here lead you to Kiba's place! Save some time and paper! Besides, it's not like the brat has anything else to do…right?"
Naruto really couldn't give her a response to that.
"Great! Then you two can go off and run your little errands now! Hokage's office is closed now! Out out out!" She shoved the two of them out of her apartment, out of her office, and right back out into the street. The two just stared blankly at how they had ended out there so quickly again.
"Right, so I think we should get a few things done before we go to Kiba's. First of all, I need to wash these pants. Second of all, we need to go buy new clothes for you."
Sasuke glared at Naruto. "I'm not staying in these clothes longer than I have to."
"So? We still have to run errands, Sasuke, errands!"
"Shh! Not so loud! You want everyone to know it's me?!"
"Well, parading around with a hot girlfriend isn't that bad of an idea…"
"What?!"
"Nothing, nothing."
Sasuke was, to say the least, quite peeved. He hated it when people did not tell him what they meant. "I'll solve your first errand easily!" He grabbed the pants in question, quickly doing a few seals, and then proceeded to…burn them.
"Sasuke! Those were my pants!"
"Damnit! I said not so loud!"
"My pants…" Naruto woefully cried for the loss of his precious white shorts while Sasuke just stood there, looking more peeved than usual.
"Fine fine, I'll buy you new pants later alright?"
"Really?"
"Really."
"Yay! Sasuke's getting me new pants!" Naruto danced around Sasuke happily, not looking a bit like the nineteen year-old he was supposed to be. "Come on, let's go get your clothes first! Then we can go get my new pants!" The excited blond dragged female Sasuke through the stalls and pointed to all the clothes that he thought would fit Sasuke.
"Too light."
"Too wussy."
"Too cute."
"Too many animals."
"Too flowerly."
"Too loud."
"Too…non-angsty."
Naruto pouted after each time Sasuke shot down his pointed choices before they reached a stall with what Naruto thought was the perfect clothes for Sasuke.
"…Naruto, these are whore's clothes."
"Well, only if you think of it that way, but they are seriously quite fetching on you."
Sasuke arched an eyebrow at him.
"When you're a boy. Boy, Sasuke. If a boy wears this, it'll just look very rebel-ish. It fits your whole demeanor!"
"'Ch…I'm not paying for this kind of clothing."
"Fine! Then I'll just buy them for you, you bastard!" The blond hurricane wreaked havoc through the store and chose several articles of clothing for the ever-stubborn Sasuke. "I swear, you'll be wearing these by the end of the week!" He grinned cheekily at Sasuke.
Sasuke looked at him pointedly, seriously doubting that. But he didn't say anything and proceeded to walk onto the next stall, Naruto and his new purchases soon in tow.
The two soon reached a stall that fit Sasuke's usual tastes. Fairly normal clothing. Simple shirts and simple pants. He piled a bit of everything, not even looking twice and proceeded to the stall owner and asked for the price.
However, as luck would have it, Sasuke realized he did not have any money. He had left his wallet in Naruto's pants…and well, we all know what happened to that. He sweatdropped.
"Naruto…"
"Hm?"
"Can I borrow some yen?"
Naruto smirked at him. "Ha! Like hell you will! You're gonna wear the clothes I got for you! You can wait until you get your next paycheck if you wanna buy some new ones! And you still owe me a pair of pants, you bastard!"
"Damnit!" Sasuke wanted to tackle Naruto right there and strangle him.
"Well, Sasuke-chan since you don't have anything else you need to do, I suppose we can go to Kiba's now right?"
Sasuke just glared and grumpily began to walk off.
"Awww Sasuke, come one, don't feel bad! I'm sure your paycheck will come in later and you can get your generic clothing again! Oh! And Kiba lives this way, you moron!" Naruto tugged him in the opposite direction and ran with a moody, female Sasuke through town.
By the time they got to Kiba's, Sasuke was sufficiently less pissed, remembering clearly that he could just borrow money from Sakura later to buy new clothes. But first, he had to get to Kiba's and change back into his original male form. Naruto was still grinning at him insanely when he knocked on Kiba's apartment door.
"Coming, coming! Geez…hold yer kibble!" The door swung open, and Kiba grinned warmly at Naruto. "Hey! Naruto, my man! Who's the chick? Didja get us a stripper or something for when Sasuke comes later so that we can party down?" He grinned lecherously at the "stripper" in question and reached out to grope her. "Hey, she's pretty well endowed, man! Where'd you…"
Before Kiba could say another word, Sasuke had kneed him in the groin.
"Uh…actually Kiba, this is Sasuke." Naruto buried his face in his hands and shook his head quietly. That had looked quite painful.
Sasuke just wordlessly stepped over the body of Kiba and shook his head. He nodded at Shino in greeting and took the bag of clothing from Naruto, easily locating the bathroom and slamming it shut.
"Damn…that hurt."
"No SHIT, Kiba! That was Sasuke, you idiot!"
"Ow…"
"Damnit! Look! But. Don't. Touch!" Naruto practically bit Kiba's head off for that stunt.
"You know the walls are almost paper-thin, you may not want to scream that so loudly, Naruto." Shino pointed out helpfully.
The blond fumed. "I swear, Kiba, I'm going to get you back for that stunt." He stomped out of the apartment and slammed the door behind him.
Kiba groaned in pain. Sasuke was living with him, looking quite peeved. And now Naruto was quite annoyed with him as well. The situation did not bode well for the dog ninja. So there's really only one thing to say at these times.
"Aw fuck."
End Part III
Right...so next chapter is Sasuke trying to deal with living with Kiba and Shino. And he's actually going to stay here for a bit, so don't think I'm going to relocate Sasuke every single time, that's just too troublesome. --() And Sakura's regular bet with Naruto will come to light next chapter too ;P
Thanks to reviews from Shirley /glomps the Ryu-chan/, Kyuubi-chan, LittleDarkOne, ghostninja85, Kawaii Chibi Kitty Angel, Kutsu, Dark Mimiru-Chan, inu-chan 613, sTaR SNipEr, sarahchan, Saiera, Kamikakushi, Yaoilover S, Yuen-chan, baka-m3-l33t, Shades Of Hades, Dream Fox, The La/=/er, ayame0, and Shigure's lover.
This will probably be the last update in a while since I'm leaving for Hong Kong (and then coming back for Otakon) on Tuesday and had promised myself to work on another fic before I leave. Besides, I lack the usual crack that I have when certain people are around. /sweatdrop/ So, telling everyone this in advanced, there will be no new chapter until after August 1st because I'm going on my vacation soon! Bwahah!