NOTE: Thanks to all the many reviewers – especially evenstar elanor, lindahoyland and tychen() – you guys are very encouraging! Tychen()! You keep making suggestions that are so great I want to write ANOTHER version! E-mail me and we'll write one together some time!
Arwen
"Mother! They're coming!!!" Eomund's excited voice rose up the stairs and reached Eowyn where she sat at Aragorn's bedside and she rolled her eyes in annoyance. She had specifically said NOT to shout and awaken the king, but apparently her admonitions had been forgotten in the thrill of the arrival of the queen and her attendants. Glancing over at the bed, however, she saw that it had made little difference; there were no grey eyes suddenly opening and questioning her and the soft breathing of the sleeping man did not change. Aragorn had taken a cup of her medicine only a short while ago and was deeply asleep. Eowyn stood up with a quiet groan, pressing her hands against her back, and went down the stairs to greet her queen.
Eowyn had been expecting Arwen all day once Elboron and his guards from the White Company had returned yesterday evening and informed her that while the water was still high, it had receded from the bridge in Osgiliath and Faramir and the rest of his party had crossed safely. She had been distressed to hear Elboron's descriptions of the flood damage that they had passed and that had been visible on the Pelennor from Osgiliath, and she knew Faramir would be kept busy for quite a while. A part of her was slightly resentful, wanting him here with her now, but she knew his duties and refused to give in to the feeling. He had missed Barahir's birth, since the baby had come early while he was in the city, and she had managed. She could do so again.
When she reached the veranda she joined Nan and the boys and they watched the line of riders begin to make their way across the meadow below the house. Thankfully there had been another day of sunny skies and brisk breezes and Eowyn had been sure that Arwen would not have to delay in starting out for Ithilien. Still, an extended stay called for great deal of planning and packing, and Eowyn had not looked for her to arrive until afternoon at the earliest. It was now late in the day and the boys had been restlessly checking the treeline that edged the lower meadow every few minutes since shortly after lunch. Finally a small group of riders and pack horses were carefully picking their way up the muddy slope leading to the house. They would be there in a few moments and Eowyn could see her sons wriggling with excitement.
At last the company from Minas Tirith swept into the courtyard but when Eowyn went to bow slightly to the queen, Arwen jumped down from her horse and rushed up the veranda steps, catching her hand to draw her back up, her blue eyes desperately searching Eowyn's.
"How is he?" She spoke with uncharacteristic abruptness and her eyes traveled across Eowyn's face looking for a clue to Aragorn's condition. "Faramir said he was doing well?"
"He is doing well, my lady." Eowyn gave her a reassuring smile and clasped her hands around Arwen's. "As well as you could expect, considering. Come." She led the queen into the house and up the stairs, leaving Nan to get the rest of the queen's party settled and see to the boy's behavior.
When they entered the bedchamber Eowyn heard Arwen's gasp as she took in Aragorn's pale face and saw the bandages covering his chest and shoulder. Quickly moving across the room she immediately was beside him on the bed and leaned over to wrap her arms gently around him. "Aragorn." She spoke his name softly, her mouth close to his ear.
Aragorn made a mighty effort to rouse himself, but he did not need his eyes open or to be completely awake to know who was beside him. "Arwen!" His relieved cry sounded as though it was torn from deep inside and he let his head rest against her neck where she held him close. Reaching up he grasped her to him, drinking in her scent, the feel of her hand against his face, the soft touch of her lips on his and let himself melt against her, realizing that he had resisted leaving her more than anything else. He had spoken to Faramir of the love of Gondor and he had meant it, but deep in his heart he knew that the love of Arwen Evenstar had been what he despaired most of losing. In seconds he was asleep again, his head cradled in her arms.
Arwen pulled away slowly, tenderly kissing his face as she eased him down onto the pillow and looked at Eowyn, who was standing beside her. "Show me," she said quietly. Mellanar, the healer who had accompanied Arwen from the city, had also followed the women up the stairs and now he too moved closer to see the injuries as Eowyn pulled down the blankets to reveal the heavily bandaged wounds.
Mellanar sat down at once beside Arwen. Pulling back the bandages he began to examine the gashes, his hands probing and touching gently, his eyes intently taking in Eowyn's stitching and the condition of the injuries. "You sewed these closed?" he asked without looking up and Eowyn answered him faintly.
"Yes, I thought it best." She watched his face, apprehension plain on her own. "The ones on his shoulder and chest stopped bleeding fairly easily." Mellanar's hand moved down to expose the two stomach wounds further down and a crease of worry appeared on his forehead. "Those were harder," said Eowyn. "But they eventually stopped, too." She glanced at Arwen as if in warning as the healer uncovered the deep groin injury. "This was the one that wouldn't stop bleeding." Arwen's face paled and she reached over and took Aragorn's hand. Mellanar clenched his jaw as he scrutinized the deep cut, and the blood on the bandage, knowing it was still seeping somewhere deep inside. Eowyn looked down at him uncertainly. "I kept putting pressure on it; I did not know what else to do. It finally slowed, but it has never stopped completely." Mellanar nodded to show he understood.
Eowyn saw Arwen's gaze fix on the king. "Oh, Aragorn," she said softly, but he did not awaken. She reached over and brushed her fingers through his dark hair gently and even asleep he turned his face slightly to meet her touch.
The healer finally looked up Eowyn, his face unreadable. "My lady, you are a near miracle worker." A small smile suddenly crossed his face, lighting it up with warmth for a moment. "This could have been fatal had you not stopped the bleeding." He moved his fingers gently along the deep laceration before replacing the bandage. "Many experienced healers would not have been able to tend this kind of injury." He looked at her with interest. "You merely kept pressure on it?"
Eowyn clasped her hands before her on her stomach and looked uncomfortable. "No, I –" She chewed her lip hesitantly, suddenly reluctant. Finally she sighed and met his gaze. "I used a small drop of camwort." She looked at Arwen and gave them both an uneasy smile as she waited for the healer's reaction. He gave her an admiring look.
"You used the Haradric medicine, my lady? Most would not have dared."
"I had to." She leaned forward and gazed into his face, her eyes large and serious. "If you could have seen the blood." She closed her eyes and shivered as she thought back. "It was everywhere, all over him, all over the bed. We couldn't get it to stop, it was soaking through the towels-" Her eyes opened and she suddenly stopped, realizing Arwen was listening intently. Eowyn did not want the queen to have that image in her mind. "I feared for his life," she said simply.
The healer gave her a grim look and shifted his gaze to the queen. "For good reason. I have seen men die from loss of blood too often." He looked back at Eowyn. "You did the right thing. I have tended this kind of injury; I know how much blood there was. Only by keeping him still could you hope to stop the bleeding." He replaced the bandage on the groin and pulled the blanket up to cover the king. "And once the cut has clotted staying as quiet as possible is the key to recovery."
Eowyn gave a sigh of relief, before looking at him rather sheepishly. "I have been very liberal with the scutellaria ever since the camwort wore off."
Mellanar nodded, looking pleased. "Another wise choice. I have a tincture that will help heal the artery, but it will still take several days before the bleeding stops completely, and the longer he is at rest, moving very little, the better it is." He looked at Arwen meaningfully. "Remind him of that when he awakens, my lady." She nodded, still holding Aragorn's hand and gently running her fingers through his hair.
The healer looked down at the king, then at each of the women. "There is little for me to do, here. You seem to have matters well in hand." He stood up and took Eowyn's hand. "You can be proud of yourself, Lady Eowyn. You truly saved the life of the king." He gave her a formal little bow.
Before Eowyn could recover from the shock of his words, Arwen suddenly stood up and embraced her. "Thank you," she said, her eyes glistening with tears. She hugged Eowyn again and kissed her. Eowyn hugged her back, reddening with embarrassment and feeling tears gather in her own eyes.
"I love him too, you know," she whispered in a husky voice. "I mean, not like you do, but –" She stepped back, clearing her throat to cover the sound of the nervous sob that escaped. "I – well." She rubbed her hands together, suddenly drained. With a sigh she let her shoulders droop a little. "I will leave you, then." She gave a slight bow and left the bedchamber.
Out in the hallways she allowed herself to lean against the wall a little and let the immense feeling of relief sweep over her. Relief that Aragorn was going to recover, relief that Arwen was now here to see to him, relief that with the arrival of the healer her own skills were no longer needed. She pressed a hand to her mouth to suppress a slightly hysterical giggle. The weight of responsibility lifted and she let it go with no regrets.
"My lady?" Eowyn looked up to see Nan approaching down the hallway. "Is everything all right?"
Eowyn looked at her and grinned. "Yes, Nan, everything is fine." She started toward the stairs. "I am going for a walk, through the gardens, to the stables, somewhere. If anyone needs– " Eowyn bit the sentence off halfway. "No, if anyone needs anything, you can see to it, I am NOT here!" She saw Nan smile in agreement and nod.
"Yes, my lady." She watched approvingly as Eowyn marched off to spend some time alone.
By the next day Eowyn's household had been overtaken by Arwen and Mellanar and she couldn't have been happier. In the afternoon, under the healer's careful supervision, Aragorn was moved from Eowyn and Faramir's bedchamber to the large guest room that Eomer had used, several members of the White Company being pressed into service as litter bearers, for Mellanar refused to allow Aragorn to even sit up in bed. As he was being settled, Eowyn's chambers were straightened and prepared for the soon coming baby. She protested that it was unnecessary, but Arwen had insisted she have her own rooms back, if the healer judged the king able to stand the short move. Mellanar had agreed, bestowing another of his transforming smiles on Eowyn.
"Lady Eowyn." He addressed her with the title but smiled down upon her like a father or favorite uncle. "A woman having a child needs to be in familiar surroundings, in her own rooms, with her own bed to rest in when her labor is finished." He held up his hands to silence her objections. "The king can handle being carried a few steps down a hallway." And indeed except for a slightly paler face and the way Aragorn grasped Arwen's hand when he was placed in the bed, it appeared that the short trip had little effect on him.
When Mellanar was assured that Aragorn was comfortable and he and Eowyn had gone, Arwen sank down onto the bed beside her husband, still holding his hand as he smiled tiredly up at her. He had awoken that morning with little memory of her arrival the day before and his pleasure at finding her beside him had been immense. They had talked for a short time as she fed him his breakfast, and again before lunch, but each time he had soon dozed off again, and she could see now that the short move had sapped his last bit of strength. "Go back to sleep," she said, her voice low and gentle. "Rest." Her free hand reached up to stroke his cheek soothingly.
Aragorn closed his eyes and sighed, luxuriating in her touch, unconsciously pressing his face against her palm. He drifted off into a light sleep, feeling his hand in hers and her fingers gently tracing down his face. After a time, he became conscious of soft sniffles beside him and he looked up to see Arwen watching him, her eyes shimmering beneath her black lashes. She tried to smile when she saw he was looking at her, but it suddenly trembled and a tear slid from her eye. "I'm sorry I woke you." She tried the smile again with the same result. "I was so frightened," she finally whispered, her voice breaking. "When you didn't come home, with the rain, I hoped you were sheltering here with Faramir and Eowyn, but when he and Eomer came into the city, and I saw their faces…" Her softly spoken words trailed off and she bent her head and rubbed her cheek against his hand where she held it. "I thought I had lost you."
Aragorn brushed a finger against her face, feeling the wetness of her tears. "I feared the same thing." He moved his head sideways on the pillow and looked past her. "I have never felt fear like that, Arwen. In all the battles I've been in, all the times I have come so close to death, have seen it all around me, I was not afraid. Not like that." His voice was quiet and unsteady, and when his eyes met hers she could see the reflection of the dread he had felt. "I never felt it before, the cold hand of death reaching for me." He gave a slight shudder.
Arwen forced a weak smile. "But you are here, safe and getting better." She caressed his cheek again, her fingers lightly tracing his temples and cheekbones. "There is no need to fear, now."
Aragorn hesitated and Arwen could read his thoughts in his eyes before he spoke. She dropped her head. "Did Faramir show you the declaration?" Aragorn asked, his voice slightly husky. She nodded but said nothing and he frowned and looked toward the window. "I thought I would die that night, Arwen. And as much as I loathed the thought of leaving you, I truly feared leaving Gondor. Feared what might happen, were I to die without an heir. So I begged him to write it for me." Arwen loosened her hold on his hand and clasped her own before her, keeping her eyes down as she nervously twisted them, avoiding his gaze. He turned back to watch her, seeing tears drop onto her hands, and silently chastised himself. This conversation was going badly, as he had feared, as he had promised himself it would not.
He sighed and reached up to rub his head slightly, feeling the familiar dizziness creeping back across him, the deep ache in his belly and groin beginning to grow stronger. Swallowing back a groan Aragorn shifted in the bed and reached for his wife's hand. Grasping the delicate fingers between his rough ones, he spoke in a soft, pleading voice. "Arwen, I did not know what else to do. There must be an heir to the throne of Gondor and since we do not have a child…" She began to weep in quiet, desperate sobs. "I'm sorry," he said miserably, angry at himself for causing her tears.
"I cannot go through that again." It was the merest whisper. Aragorn squeezed her hand gently and there was silence as he searched for the right words to say, words of hope and encouragement. They did not come. "I know you are afraid," he said. "I am, too."
A quiet tap at the door brought Arwen to her feet, pulling her hand from his grasp. She opened the door to find Mellanar with a basket of healing supplies, an armload of fresh bandages and Eowyn's regular cup of medicine. "I thought I would change the bandages now that you are situated…" Seeing Arwen's tear-stained face he halted in the doorway. "My lady?" Arwen brushed past him and hurried down the hall, her black hair flying behind her. Mellanar stepped hesitantly into the room and placed the tray on the bed table. "Is she all right?" he asked, then saw the strained look on Aragorn's face. "Are you all right?" The king merely gave a tired sigh and rubbed his eyes with his hand.
"No, Mellanar," he said distractedly. "But this is something you cannot help."
Eowyn eased the door shut behind her, smiling at the way Sam had fallen asleep instantly once in his bed, despite his protests that he was "too big for napping." The other boys had trooped out after lunch to have Bergil help them practice their archery, and then to join him in inspecting the flood damage close to the house. The young Lieutenant of Faramir's White Company had been instructed by both his lord and his father Captain Beregond to keep them occupied and out from under their mother's feet during their absence. Their departure and Sam's surrender to his nap left Eowyn with a few quiet hours ahead of her and she was looking forward to doing very little, perhaps just dozing in the sitting room, since there was no warm sunshine this afternoon.
Moving gracelessly down the hall, she saw Arwen push past Mellanar as he entered the king's room and hasten down the stairway. As quickly as she could, Eowyn followed her, suddenly worried. Arwen flew down the steps ahead of her and dashed out the door, Eowyn following with an annoying waddle as she tried to hurry. She caught up with her on the veranda, Arwen standing at the far end with her arms around herself, crying softly.
"Arwen?" Eowyn stood indecisively. Arwen whirled around, startled, and self-consciously brushed away her tears. Eowyn assumed she knew the cause of Arwen's sadness and moved toward her, wrapping a comforting arm around her slim waist. "Don't worry, he's going to be fine, I'm sure of it." She was surprised when Arwen pulled away, shaking her head.
"That's not it." The Elf buried her face in her hands and fresh sobs came from behind her fingers.
Eowyn gently took Arwen by the elbow and steered her toward one of the chairs nearby. "Here, sit down," she said, following her own words and lowering herself with a grunt into the pillowed seat. Arwen let Eowyn pull her down into the chair beside hers but then merely sat there, her hands in her lap and toying with the ribbons at the front of her dress. Her sobs had stopped, but the tears still fell silently from her blue eyes, tracing down her cheeks. She looked up at Eowyn at last.
"You must think me a fool," she said softly. "Crying when I should be rejoicing that my husband is alive and will recover his health."
"I have never known you to be a fool." Eowyn took Arwen's hand and patted it reassuringly. "I am certain if you are upset over something, it is important." She waited a moment, hoping Arwen would tell her what was wrong. Long minutes passed and Eowyn felt a chill of cool air brush by her and cast a quick glance at the sky, forcing herself to suppress a groan when she saw a dark rain cloud approaching. She looked at Arwen's bowed head, thankful that her years with Faramir had at least taught her a little patience. "Tell me what is wrong, Arwen."
"Did you know Aragorn had Faramir write a declaration, naming him his heir?" The Queen did not look up as she spoke and the unexpected subject of the question gave Eowyn a sudden quiver of worry. Was Arwen angry? Did she resent Aragorn's actions? She searched for the right response.
"I knew it, yes," she said slowly. "But, Arwen, that was when he first awoke, he was worried and upset and Faramir wanted to put his mind at ease." She squeezed the slender hand she held. "It is a formality…" Arwen was shaking her head again.
"I have failed him." She spoke the words dully, raising desolate eyes to Eowyn, who had never expected to see the beautiful Elf look so tortured and full of despair. "It is my fault that he has no heir, no child."
"No, no." Eowyn tried to console her. "Aragorn loves you so much, Arwen, and that is not the kind of thing you have control over."
"I have." Arwen wrenched her hand from Eowyn's and stood, stepping forward to lean against one of the carved posts that supported the veranda roof. She was facing away from Eowyn and her words were spoken so quietly Eowyn almost couldn't hear them. "He wants a child so badly, and I…I won't…I will not allow myself…" She sighed and covered her face with her hands once more.
Eowyn waited, her mind working furiously as she realized the meaning of Arwen's words. Of course she had heard all the myths and legends about the Elves, and dismissed them as such, but now Arwen seemed to be saying there was some truth in them. She sat back in the chair and regarded the figure before her. "Are you saying it is true, that Elvish women will not conceive a child unless they wish it so?" An unhappy nod was her only answer, followed by more stifled weeping. "Arwen-" Eowyn hoped the queen would look at her, she doubted she could get out of the low chair unassisted, and fortunately she did, her lovely face distorted from her crying. Eowyn held out a hand and Arwen came back and sat down in the chair again.
"Don't you want children?" Eowyn stroked the back of Arwen's hand as her green eyes met the queen's blue ones and watched as they dissolved into tears again.
"I do," Arwen nodded as she spoke, then shook her head. "But I am so afraid. I cannot-" She drew a shuddering breath.
"That is only to be expected," said Eowyn reassuringly. "We are all afraid, at first. It is no small thing to bring forth a child."
Arwen balled her hand into a fist and pressed it against her mouth, shaking her head as the tears coursing down her cheeks increased. Closing her eyes, she began to speak in a low, ragged voice. "The first year we were married, we were so anxious, so ready for a baby, and I became pregnant almost immediately. But only days after I was sure, after I had told Aragorn, I started bleeding." The face that she raised to Eowyn when she opened her eyes was harsh with bitter memory. "I lost that baby two days later."
Eowyn patted the smooth white hand she held. "I am so sorry. I never knew."
"We did not tell anyone," Arwen said in a bleak voice. "No one, not you or Faramir, or even my brothers. It was too painful." She looked up at Eowyn. "I had never even considered, never given any thought - we wanted a baby and we would have one, that was all there was to it." Her mouth trembled. "Aragorn was crushed, of course, but he never said anything. Never any accusations or –"
"Accusations?!" Eowyn was aghast. "Why would there be? Arwen, those things happen."
"Yes, I suppose." Arwen absently rubbed her fingers back and forth across the fabric of her gown. "It took me three years before I could gather my courage to try again. Three years before I could truly open myself up to him and not feel some of that fear and panic each time we made love." Her face colored slightly as she shared this intimate fact with Eowyn, who merely nodded encouragingly.
"But eventually, I did reach that point," she said faintly. "I overcame the fear, and the hunger for a child grew stronger, until I was ready once more. And soon, I was with child again." She kept her eyes on her fingers as they continued to stroke across the dark material, and then gave a soft cry, nearly a whimper, and Eowyn felt a cold stab in her heart, knowing what the next words would be. "It was about the time you were expecting Theoden, that summer. Because of – what had happened before, I waited. I didn't even tell Aragorn for several weeks after I was sure, I was so afraid."
"When I finally told him, oh, Eowyn." She smiled a sad, heartbreaking smile and Eowyn felt her own heart lurch with sorrow. "If you could have seen his face, his smile. He was so pleased. We were so happy. But I wouldn't let him tell anyone. I was still afraid, you see." Arwen sighed and pressed her lips together, fighting to keep from totally breaking down. "Before the third month had passed, I had miscarried again." Despite her intentions she began to weep quietly once more. "It was worse than the first time. I was further along, there was a great deal of bleeding…I was terrified, and so was Aragorn."
Eowyn managed to find her voice finally. "Did you see the healers? Surely they could have helped."
Arwen nodded. "I had a healer that time. Aragorn brought me old Ioreth." Her mouth twisted slightly. "I don't think she did anything he couldn't have done, but he was too overwhelmed, too worried. And it helped me to have a woman nearby. I know she often seemed thoughtless, but she was my strength at that time. She knew many things, many secrets." The tears slowed a little and Arwen sniffled as she tried to compose herself. "But she could not find any reason why it had happened. She tried to encourage me, said, as you just did, those things happen. Told me to wait a while and try again." A moment of silence passed as Arwen swallowed back her tears and wiped at her eyes with her fingers. "But I was too afraid. Death frightens me. I don't understand it. Ioreth tried to talk to me, to help me. She said it is just a part of being mortal, a part of living." Arwen smiled at Eowyn. "She was not the fool many took her to be."
Eowyn, who had received much of her healer's training under Ioreth's watchful (and garrulous) eye, knew Arwen spoke the truth. She looked at her with regret. "Had I known, I would have been there with you." Arwen gave her a look of surprise and denial. "No, you had Elboron, and Theoden was on the way."
"Still, if I had known," Eowyn reached out and smoothed back the dark hair across Arwen's brow. Strangely, though the elf was many times her age, Eowyn felt the older, the mature mother of a large brood trying to reassure the childless woman. "You should have told us, we are all the family most of us have anymore."
Arwen sighed and shrugged. "You could not have done anything."
"I could have been there for you. Sometimes just have someone nearby makes all the difference. And Ioreth was right, death is a part of life, but you are not alone in being afraid of it, or not understanding it." The queen remained silent, her hands twisting restlessly in her lap. Eowyn reached for Arwen's hand again and looked at her closely. "So, you are afraid to try any more, is that it?"
Arwen nodded. "I cannot bear to lose another baby," she said in a low, unsteady voice. "I cannot bring myself to let go, to try again. So, there are no children in the king's apartments, Gondor has no heir, and my husband no son, and he must make Faramir his successor, because of me." She suddenly gazed into Eowyn's face as a thought came to her. "It is not that I think Faramir unworthy, you understand?"
Eowyn gave her an understanding smile. "I know your regard for Faramir, Arwen, have no fears."
Arwen made a sound that was half sigh, half sob. "When Faramir came to my chambers, when he told me what had happened, all I could think of was that Aragorn was going to die, and I had nothing, no child, nothing of him to treasure and keep, to remind me of him." She pressed both hands to her face. "Then, I got here, and Mellanar seemed so pleased with all you have done, and Aragorn is getting better, and I have been telling myself it would be all right."
"And it will be," Eowyn said, trying to encourage her. "He will be better in no time."
"But nothing has changed!" Arwen's voice rose with frustration. "Gondor still needs an heir. My husband still wants a child, and I am still afraid." She choked out the last words.
The first faint patters of raindrops spattered across the roof of the veranda as Eowyn searched for words. She looked out across the lawn to the trees far below the house, beginning to bend slightly under the pressure of the rapidly strengthening storm. "Come into the house with me," she said, using Arwen's arm to hoist herself from the chair.
They retreated into the house and were met by Nan at the door, bearing a tray of hot tea and tiny pastries. "A little something special," she said with a smile, instantly changing direction and following them into the sitting room where she placed it on the table before the fire. She tactfully made no indication that she noticed Arwen's tear-stained face or swollen eyes, merely smiled at them both on her way out of the room. Eowyn motioned Arwen to a chair and took the opposite one before busying herself with the teacups and plates. When she had served the queen and had her own cup steaming before her, Eowyn looked at the woman across from her thoughtfully.
"I cannot tell you what to do, Arwen." She spooned some honey into her cup and stirred it, the clinking of the spoon against the china mixing with the snap of the fire and the soft shushing of the rain outside. Placing the spoon by the cup, she lifted it to her lips and took a sip before she continued.
"I can tell you, however, that I do not believe you are a failure if you do not produce a child, nor do I believe that Aragorn sees you as such. He loves you utterly, and will never stop." Her green eyes held Arwen fast, suddenly sharp and bright, the eyes of a fighter, a shieldmaiden. "And I know to what depths fear and despair can drive a person." She made a self-conscious gesture. "Do not let your thoughts dwell on the past, it leads to nothing but misery." She returned the cup to the saucer and leaned forward a bit.
"All I can tell you is that my children have brought me joy and happiness. Not because they are princes of Ithilien, nor because they are heirs to the line of the Stewards. They bring me joy because they are mine, and Faramir's and they are themselves, and every pain suffered for them, and every sacrifice made, has been worth it." She suddenly smiled a secretive little smile and reached across the table, taking Arwen's hand and placing it against her.
The heel of a tiny foot pressed through Eowyn's flesh and moved against Arwen's palm, determined and insistent. An impatient kick followed and Arwen's face filled with longing, then despair. "But what if it happens again?" she asked in a bare whisper. She pulled her hand away and shifted her gaze to Eowyn's face, her blue eyes haunted.
"But what if it does not?" Eowyn picked up her cup again and looked at Arwen. "Let me ask you, are you happy now, the way things are?"
Arwen hesitated, then shook her head. "No. I know Aragorn wants an heir; regardless of how much he loves Faramir, he wants a child of his to rule Gondor one day."
"No, I asked if you were happy, not Aragorn." Eowyn gently chided her and saw Arwen's eyes grow teary again.
"I do not know." She sighed and stared into her own cup a long moment. "I – no, no I am not. I want a baby." She looked guiltily at Eowyn. "Why do you think I avoid you when you are expecting?"
Eowyn looked at her with surprise. "Do you?"
Arwen nodded. "It's too hard. I am so jealous, and envious." She wrinkled her brow slightly as she confessed. "Being around you, or anyone else who is with child, hurts too much. All I can think of is that I want a baby so much…and I am so afraid." She shrugged helplessly. "I cannot explain it."
Although she remained silent, Eowyn lifted her brows appreciatively and drank her tea. "The longing for a child is something I think most women, and men for that matter, understand," she said finally. "And the fear. Perhaps we do not all have the same fear as you, but we have others; worry about our ability to care for them properly, to protect them, to see them become adults."
A sudden thumping of booted feet in the back hall announced the return of the boys. They clattered down the passage and peered in the doorway, four heads with hair sodden with rain water, four faces bright with smiles. "Mother!" They started in to recount the adventures of a fast-paced ride home in the rain with Bergil, only to be intercepted by Nan.
"Out!" She shooed them toward the stairway. "Upstairs and dried off immediately. And those boots! Covered with mud, they come off right now." Only Barahir managed to reach Eowyn and plant a sloppy kiss on her cheek before Nan snatched him away, smiling. "Your mother will be waiting right here when you are clean and dry."
Eowyn nodded to reassure them as they cast anxious glances toward her from the steps. "We're just having tea, I'll wait for you to come back down and you can tell me everything." As Nan herded her charges up the stairs and out of sight, Eowyn grinned at Arwen. "Besides Faramir, they are the most precious things in my life."
Arwen watched them go. "Aren't you ever afraid?" she asked. "Don't you worry about them, that something might take them from you?"
Eowyn's grin faded and she faced Arwen. "Every day, Arwen. Every day."
"How do you stand it?"
With a look of resignation, Eowyn leaned back in her chair. "It is the price I pay for having them to love," she said softly. "The more you have to love, the more you have to lose. But," she reached over and took the queen's hand in her strong grip, the blunt fingernails contrasting against Arwen's elegantly manicured ones. "It is worth it." She released Arwen's hand and they sat in silence, Eowyn drinking her tea as the queen stared into the fire, lost in her own thoughts.
The sound of the boys returning down the stairs moved Arwen to her feet. "They will want to tell you all about their afternoon, and I – I need to see to Aragorn." She bent down and kissed Eowyn's cheek. "Thank you," she whispered softly. Eowyn reached up and held her close, once again feeling the older of them.
"Love is dangerous," she said. "Because it makes you so vulnerable, Arwen. But it is always worth it."
Mellanar looked up as the bedchamber door opened and Arwen entered quietly. "My lady," he said, rising from the chair. She acknowledged him with a nod before sitting down beside Aragorn's sleeping form. Leaning over she gently kissed his cheek and he smiled but did awaken.
"I will stay with him now," said Arwen softly.
"He will sleep for a long while, my lady," said Mellanar. "I mixed the medicine a little stronger this time; he seemed to be in more pain." The healer kept his voice neutral even as he slid his eyes toward her.
A look of self-accusation and regret passed over the queen's face. "I'm sure he was. Thank you, Mellanar."
The healer bowed slightly and left, pulling the door closed behind him. After he had gone Arwen gingerly stretched out beside Aragorn, cuddling up beside him and resting her head against his bandaged shoulder. Reaching down beside her for his hand, she threaded her fingers through his and lay quietly, listening to the rain and the soft breathing of her husband beside her.
TO BE CONTINUED
As always - a thank you to Raksha for beta'ing! Also for Raksha and Cressida for discussions on Elvish conception.