[[Disclaimer: I own nothing but the plot of this here story.]]
I slowly rouse form my reverie. Three turns of the hour-glass have I been laid under the blankets of my bed in my reverie state. Physically, I am rested and ready for what this day may yet chose to throw in my direction. Although, if I am to be honest with myself, I am forced to admit that emotionally, I am as drained as the empty wine glasses that are more than likely sitting on the table in my living area by the pile of unsigned documents, waiting for me to clean them and set them back in their rightful place at the win decanter's side.
I rise from my horizontal position to sit upright as I gather the bearings I seemed to have misplaced during my reverie. As I rise however, I notice I am not alone. I roll my eyes towards the heavens and inwardly groan at my friend's intrusion.
Sighing, I swing my legs over the edge of the bed and push the covers away from my midsection. On my person, I don naught but a pair of loose and comfortable sleep leggings. The leggings are an aged white colour and are held up by a long tie that has been sewed into the waist band. When tied, it makes an effective belt. The leggings end at the point where my heel touches the floor, riding up slightly now as I am currently seated.
"Was there something you wanted to ask me 'Fin? I'm sure the view of my back is very appealing, though not your usual entertainment source." I ask, rising from the bed. I lean over to grasp a white ribbon from the table at my bedside and pull my hair back. I use the ribbon to tie it as securely as I can manage.
"During my rounds yesternight, I stumbled across the twins." Glorfindel finally speaks, his voice holding no trace of the smile I 'know' was on his face when I spoke first. His words do not shock me, but they do not do anything to alleviate the glimmer of anxiety I'm feeling at this moment.
Walking over to the wash basin located beneath the window, I nod for him to continue. I dip my hands in the water and find it, thankfully, at the perfect temperature: a notch or too warmer than lukewarm.
"They mentioned," He continues. "That they had received some news that saddened them greatly." It pains me to the very core of my being to think I have caused the twins and Arwen to become sad. But short of going back on my words, there is very little I can do about the matter now. "When I enquired as to what precisely the sad news was, they made a valiant effort in trying to turn my interest elsewhere. They used, I suspect, every evasion technique they have ever used but with my interest already piqued, I withstood their efforts until they gave in to the inevitable and told me what I wanted to know.
"Or rather, they pointed me in the direction I could find out what I wanted to know." I hear him move around the room, making his way towards me. "Now the twins are rarely displeased and it is on an even rarer occasion that they are sad. Though having said that, I know they have each other for comfort so they will not lose themselves to sadness." He stops behind me. "No. What worries me is why they sent me to you to receive the answers I sought."
The liquid soap I pour on my hands holds the scent of Clyriol (a herb generally used to sweeten things whilst cooking) and the faintest wisp of Rosewire (a shrub that grows only in the woods of Lorien). I splash a small amount of water onto the pool of soap and rub my hands together, lathering them up. Bringing my lathered hands to my face, I begin to wash.
I feel him pull the locks of my hair that saw fit to work their way from the ribbon and hold them back for me while I wash.
As I finish, I reach for the drying cloth I know is hung on a small hook attached to the wall to the side of the window. I take hold of the cloth and with a flick of my wrist, have it unhooked and already making its journey from the wall to my face.
"Never was it my intent to sadden them with my news." I try to justify what I did, more for my own benefit than Glorfindel's but whether 'Fin chooses to believe me or not, I feel my words are as poison as the Istar's speech was black, spilling from my tongue. "The words I used were not of the joyous variety." He released my hair, taking the ribbon with him and I move to seat myself at the vanity. I pick up a comb and begin to work it through my hair. The first swipe however, is a touch rougher than I had intended it to be.
"And what words were they 'Restor?" He asked me. I sigh and allow him to take the comb from my hand as he had quite obviously decided to comb through my hair himself.
"You no more want me to answer that than you wanted to ask it, my friend." I say, letting my eyelids drop, just feeling his fingers run through my dark tresses, following the comb as it works its magic.
"True enough. I do not want you to answer how I know you will, but I fear greatly that I need to hear the words come from your lips alone." He tells me and I know he speaks no word of an untruth.
"My words to the twins were long and full of emotion. To repeat them word for word to you now would take a time too much." I sigh, giving in to the fact that he will not let this alone. "In essence, I told them that I was leaving Imladris, and Middle-earth, with the first ship to raise its sails." I feel the comb pause its movements briefly and start moving again a moment after it stopped. "'Fin, I have been through much. Lost too much.
"You are my brother. And I could not bare it if I were to leave these shores and there be ill words between us." My words are truly spoken. If I leave having not resolved these harsh matters with him, I do not think I will survive the trip to Valinor. "You know I must leave 'Fin."
"Not yestermorn were you willing to wait with Lord Elrond to sail when he sails." He says and yestermorn I was indeed willing to wait with Lord Elrond to sail with him. But it is no longer yestermorn. "What has changed Mellonamin?"
His fingers flutter with practised ease and precision as they work my hair into what would no doubt become an elaborate maze of twists, turns, knows and braids. I know that when I leave my chambers this morn and my hair is in full view, others will automatically know Glorfindel is responsible. As usually, I have but two simple warrior braids worked in.
When the twins and Arwen were growing up, it confused them to see that I, their father's chief counsellor, wore warrior braids instead of the braids in... Lindir's hair for example.
I realise he is waiting for a reply. How I could lose myself in thoughts regarding my hair is beyond me.
"My decision to leave earlier than previously planned was not based on any particular thing." I lie. I know it is a blatant lie and so does Glorfindel. He does not fall for my less than honest evasion. I see him raise an eyebrow at me in the mirror of the vanity and I crumble. "Glorfindel please!" I cry, purposely using his full name. I simply do not need to think on this at the moment. I cannot!
"Do not make me think on it! Already have I decided to leave these lands... decided to leave my home! I beg you; do not force me into a war for my sanity." His hands knead my shoulders in an attempt to melt, or at the very least ease my inner aches. And to an extent, he is succeeding.
"The wall you have kept your past behind is breaking, 'Restor." He says. "The Istar's speech brought forth your more painful memories." He leans closer to me so his lips are a mere fingers width from my left ear. "Why did you not come to me with your worries? Are we not brothers? Are we not the ones who hold no barrier up between one another? Not a secret is between us and yet, I see you now, distraught and taking your leave of these lands before you need to." Never does he stop massaging my shoulders.
"Tell me now, 'Restor. Tell me what ails my friend's heart. Tell me what hurt fate has bestowed upon your soul." I am silent.
For the better part of five minutes, I am as silent as the rock I was seated upon yesternight. And he is patient.
"It is soiled." I whisper finally. He looks at me through the mirror. I can feel his eyes on me even though my on are close. "Every time one of my feet steps before the other, every time the soles of my boots touch the ground... it feels as though I am soaking up every soiled, poisoned mineral that is stored within this land.
"The passage of time aided me. I pushed my disheartening memories, feelings, emotions to the back of my mind. Only once did I delve back into them. When you fell... I felt that I could not live anymore. The cold swept over me, I could feel Mandos. I could feel the pain, the fear, the lack of anything positive. I could feel everything. And I could feel it when I was not even half way there.
"I was not aware of anything around me physically. Elrond explained to me that he used all the strength he had to bring me back to him, to help him through the pain and in return, he would help me. And to this moment in time, I have never once thanked him for saving my soul. Because from the time I was revived, to the time you came back, all I felt was pain. Pure, physical and emotional pain. My heart was breaking, the tears I shed were like knives cutting my cheeks, the heat of a lit fire in a fireplace felt like I was burning alive, slowly and without a shed of mercy.
"Never have I forgiven him for that. But our relationship, our friendship was too important for me to hold any grudge. And then you came back. I cannot imagine how you felt being at the gates as long as you were. You remember my reaction when you returned as well as any other present. I believe it was one of the few times I have ever shown such emotion.
"After that. Not a century later, Mordor birthed forces that would destroy everything I was. Or everything I thought I was. My family, my friends, my king... all of them, died. These words are words I spoke to Elrond yesternight. My mother and my sister perished hearing the words of that Valar-forsaken speech.
"The king, my father, my brothers... all lost their lives to orders of that tongue and for what! Only to have their memories desecrated, their home- lands poisoned by the words of one Grey Istar.
"Whether he claims they were necessary or not! That tongue... that speech... The words he spoke were no more a necessity than my eyes are blind. It infuriates me that he said it. It angers me that Lord Elrond said nothing to stop it. It sends me into a fit of rage to think that he asked not even for a pardon! Who, in all the fires of Mordor, does he think he is? What gives him the right? Who gave him that right?"
Sobs wrack my body and I collapse back into Glorfindel. I feel his strong arms encase me and slide me down to rest on the floor with him.
I do not know how long we sat there in the middle of the floor of my chambers, but it was long enough to have missed breakfast.
We were sent for by Elrond to come and gather with him and the other Elves in his counsel to see the fellowship off and wish them all the luck they will need in their journey.
When I arrived, I pulled Legolas to one side and told him I was leaving. The young Princeling was accepting of my decision, explaining that had he not have made a promise to the ring-bearer, he would join me with the first ship. He confided that when his time arose, he would join me in Valinor and look forward to the first conversation we will undoubtedly have with each other.
I allowed Legolas to return to his group and made my way, ignoring all looks sent towards me, toward the Halfling whose task it was to bear the ring through the coming darkness. I stood before him with a smile on my face. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw the Istar make a move towards me but one icy glare sent his way stopped him in his tracks. He was either too shocked at my actions to go on, or he headed the promise in the look I sent.
I knelt down on one knee and locked eyes with the Hobbit, Frodo Baggins. I then began:
"Much bravery you hold in your heart little one. In my years I have fought countless battles. Though many of my battles have been arduous, hard, painful and I may have come out of each of them a little less of who I once was... Never before have I fought for something as important as what you are setting out to fight for this day.
"No man, Hobbit, Dwarf, Wizard or Elf should ever have had to burden themselves with the evil you have burdened yourself with. I look into your heart and I see an innocence there that no one else present at that counsel meeting possessed... including all Elves.
"You have earned the respect of all here in Imladris, and I wish you the greatest of lucks in your journey. The darkness will end and you will be free of your burden. Until such a time comes to pass, you have Sam to help you keep up your spirits." At this, I smile in Samwise Gamgee's direction. The hobbit blushes slightly at the attention. "Live long and be happy Frodo, son of Drogo, elf-friend." I bowed my head deeply before standing up and taking my place beside Glorfindel.
I felt my friend grasp my hand tightly as Lord Elrond spoke and I felt as though it took all I was to stay in control of my emotions. I returned the grasp and held on.
That evening, I left Middle-Earth. Never again did I let my eyes roam the lands whose past bore black holes in my soul.
I never looked back.
But I never forgot.
Erestor I remain
Only years will I gain.
-Tela-
A Counsellor's Musings – Goodbye(c).
I slowly rouse form my reverie. Three turns of the hour-glass have I been laid under the blankets of my bed in my reverie state. Physically, I am rested and ready for what this day may yet chose to throw in my direction. Although, if I am to be honest with myself, I am forced to admit that emotionally, I am as drained as the empty wine glasses that are more than likely sitting on the table in my living area by the pile of unsigned documents, waiting for me to clean them and set them back in their rightful place at the win decanter's side.
I rise from my horizontal position to sit upright as I gather the bearings I seemed to have misplaced during my reverie. As I rise however, I notice I am not alone. I roll my eyes towards the heavens and inwardly groan at my friend's intrusion.
Sighing, I swing my legs over the edge of the bed and push the covers away from my midsection. On my person, I don naught but a pair of loose and comfortable sleep leggings. The leggings are an aged white colour and are held up by a long tie that has been sewed into the waist band. When tied, it makes an effective belt. The leggings end at the point where my heel touches the floor, riding up slightly now as I am currently seated.
"Was there something you wanted to ask me 'Fin? I'm sure the view of my back is very appealing, though not your usual entertainment source." I ask, rising from the bed. I lean over to grasp a white ribbon from the table at my bedside and pull my hair back. I use the ribbon to tie it as securely as I can manage.
"During my rounds yesternight, I stumbled across the twins." Glorfindel finally speaks, his voice holding no trace of the smile I 'know' was on his face when I spoke first. His words do not shock me, but they do not do anything to alleviate the glimmer of anxiety I'm feeling at this moment.
Walking over to the wash basin located beneath the window, I nod for him to continue. I dip my hands in the water and find it, thankfully, at the perfect temperature: a notch or too warmer than lukewarm.
"They mentioned," He continues. "That they had received some news that saddened them greatly." It pains me to the very core of my being to think I have caused the twins and Arwen to become sad. But short of going back on my words, there is very little I can do about the matter now. "When I enquired as to what precisely the sad news was, they made a valiant effort in trying to turn my interest elsewhere. They used, I suspect, every evasion technique they have ever used but with my interest already piqued, I withstood their efforts until they gave in to the inevitable and told me what I wanted to know.
"Or rather, they pointed me in the direction I could find out what I wanted to know." I hear him move around the room, making his way towards me. "Now the twins are rarely displeased and it is on an even rarer occasion that they are sad. Though having said that, I know they have each other for comfort so they will not lose themselves to sadness." He stops behind me. "No. What worries me is why they sent me to you to receive the answers I sought."
The liquid soap I pour on my hands holds the scent of Clyriol (a herb generally used to sweeten things whilst cooking) and the faintest wisp of Rosewire (a shrub that grows only in the woods of Lorien). I splash a small amount of water onto the pool of soap and rub my hands together, lathering them up. Bringing my lathered hands to my face, I begin to wash.
I feel him pull the locks of my hair that saw fit to work their way from the ribbon and hold them back for me while I wash.
As I finish, I reach for the drying cloth I know is hung on a small hook attached to the wall to the side of the window. I take hold of the cloth and with a flick of my wrist, have it unhooked and already making its journey from the wall to my face.
"Never was it my intent to sadden them with my news." I try to justify what I did, more for my own benefit than Glorfindel's but whether 'Fin chooses to believe me or not, I feel my words are as poison as the Istar's speech was black, spilling from my tongue. "The words I used were not of the joyous variety." He released my hair, taking the ribbon with him and I move to seat myself at the vanity. I pick up a comb and begin to work it through my hair. The first swipe however, is a touch rougher than I had intended it to be.
"And what words were they 'Restor?" He asked me. I sigh and allow him to take the comb from my hand as he had quite obviously decided to comb through my hair himself.
"You no more want me to answer that than you wanted to ask it, my friend." I say, letting my eyelids drop, just feeling his fingers run through my dark tresses, following the comb as it works its magic.
"True enough. I do not want you to answer how I know you will, but I fear greatly that I need to hear the words come from your lips alone." He tells me and I know he speaks no word of an untruth.
"My words to the twins were long and full of emotion. To repeat them word for word to you now would take a time too much." I sigh, giving in to the fact that he will not let this alone. "In essence, I told them that I was leaving Imladris, and Middle-earth, with the first ship to raise its sails." I feel the comb pause its movements briefly and start moving again a moment after it stopped. "'Fin, I have been through much. Lost too much.
"You are my brother. And I could not bare it if I were to leave these shores and there be ill words between us." My words are truly spoken. If I leave having not resolved these harsh matters with him, I do not think I will survive the trip to Valinor. "You know I must leave 'Fin."
"Not yestermorn were you willing to wait with Lord Elrond to sail when he sails." He says and yestermorn I was indeed willing to wait with Lord Elrond to sail with him. But it is no longer yestermorn. "What has changed Mellonamin?"
His fingers flutter with practised ease and precision as they work my hair into what would no doubt become an elaborate maze of twists, turns, knows and braids. I know that when I leave my chambers this morn and my hair is in full view, others will automatically know Glorfindel is responsible. As usually, I have but two simple warrior braids worked in.
When the twins and Arwen were growing up, it confused them to see that I, their father's chief counsellor, wore warrior braids instead of the braids in... Lindir's hair for example.
I realise he is waiting for a reply. How I could lose myself in thoughts regarding my hair is beyond me.
"My decision to leave earlier than previously planned was not based on any particular thing." I lie. I know it is a blatant lie and so does Glorfindel. He does not fall for my less than honest evasion. I see him raise an eyebrow at me in the mirror of the vanity and I crumble. "Glorfindel please!" I cry, purposely using his full name. I simply do not need to think on this at the moment. I cannot!
"Do not make me think on it! Already have I decided to leave these lands... decided to leave my home! I beg you; do not force me into a war for my sanity." His hands knead my shoulders in an attempt to melt, or at the very least ease my inner aches. And to an extent, he is succeeding.
"The wall you have kept your past behind is breaking, 'Restor." He says. "The Istar's speech brought forth your more painful memories." He leans closer to me so his lips are a mere fingers width from my left ear. "Why did you not come to me with your worries? Are we not brothers? Are we not the ones who hold no barrier up between one another? Not a secret is between us and yet, I see you now, distraught and taking your leave of these lands before you need to." Never does he stop massaging my shoulders.
"Tell me now, 'Restor. Tell me what ails my friend's heart. Tell me what hurt fate has bestowed upon your soul." I am silent.
For the better part of five minutes, I am as silent as the rock I was seated upon yesternight. And he is patient.
"It is soiled." I whisper finally. He looks at me through the mirror. I can feel his eyes on me even though my on are close. "Every time one of my feet steps before the other, every time the soles of my boots touch the ground... it feels as though I am soaking up every soiled, poisoned mineral that is stored within this land.
"The passage of time aided me. I pushed my disheartening memories, feelings, emotions to the back of my mind. Only once did I delve back into them. When you fell... I felt that I could not live anymore. The cold swept over me, I could feel Mandos. I could feel the pain, the fear, the lack of anything positive. I could feel everything. And I could feel it when I was not even half way there.
"I was not aware of anything around me physically. Elrond explained to me that he used all the strength he had to bring me back to him, to help him through the pain and in return, he would help me. And to this moment in time, I have never once thanked him for saving my soul. Because from the time I was revived, to the time you came back, all I felt was pain. Pure, physical and emotional pain. My heart was breaking, the tears I shed were like knives cutting my cheeks, the heat of a lit fire in a fireplace felt like I was burning alive, slowly and without a shed of mercy.
"Never have I forgiven him for that. But our relationship, our friendship was too important for me to hold any grudge. And then you came back. I cannot imagine how you felt being at the gates as long as you were. You remember my reaction when you returned as well as any other present. I believe it was one of the few times I have ever shown such emotion.
"After that. Not a century later, Mordor birthed forces that would destroy everything I was. Or everything I thought I was. My family, my friends, my king... all of them, died. These words are words I spoke to Elrond yesternight. My mother and my sister perished hearing the words of that Valar-forsaken speech.
"The king, my father, my brothers... all lost their lives to orders of that tongue and for what! Only to have their memories desecrated, their home- lands poisoned by the words of one Grey Istar.
"Whether he claims they were necessary or not! That tongue... that speech... The words he spoke were no more a necessity than my eyes are blind. It infuriates me that he said it. It angers me that Lord Elrond said nothing to stop it. It sends me into a fit of rage to think that he asked not even for a pardon! Who, in all the fires of Mordor, does he think he is? What gives him the right? Who gave him that right?"
Sobs wrack my body and I collapse back into Glorfindel. I feel his strong arms encase me and slide me down to rest on the floor with him.
I do not know how long we sat there in the middle of the floor of my chambers, but it was long enough to have missed breakfast.
We were sent for by Elrond to come and gather with him and the other Elves in his counsel to see the fellowship off and wish them all the luck they will need in their journey.
When I arrived, I pulled Legolas to one side and told him I was leaving. The young Princeling was accepting of my decision, explaining that had he not have made a promise to the ring-bearer, he would join me with the first ship. He confided that when his time arose, he would join me in Valinor and look forward to the first conversation we will undoubtedly have with each other.
I allowed Legolas to return to his group and made my way, ignoring all looks sent towards me, toward the Halfling whose task it was to bear the ring through the coming darkness. I stood before him with a smile on my face. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw the Istar make a move towards me but one icy glare sent his way stopped him in his tracks. He was either too shocked at my actions to go on, or he headed the promise in the look I sent.
I knelt down on one knee and locked eyes with the Hobbit, Frodo Baggins. I then began:
"Much bravery you hold in your heart little one. In my years I have fought countless battles. Though many of my battles have been arduous, hard, painful and I may have come out of each of them a little less of who I once was... Never before have I fought for something as important as what you are setting out to fight for this day.
"No man, Hobbit, Dwarf, Wizard or Elf should ever have had to burden themselves with the evil you have burdened yourself with. I look into your heart and I see an innocence there that no one else present at that counsel meeting possessed... including all Elves.
"You have earned the respect of all here in Imladris, and I wish you the greatest of lucks in your journey. The darkness will end and you will be free of your burden. Until such a time comes to pass, you have Sam to help you keep up your spirits." At this, I smile in Samwise Gamgee's direction. The hobbit blushes slightly at the attention. "Live long and be happy Frodo, son of Drogo, elf-friend." I bowed my head deeply before standing up and taking my place beside Glorfindel.
I felt my friend grasp my hand tightly as Lord Elrond spoke and I felt as though it took all I was to stay in control of my emotions. I returned the grasp and held on.
That evening, I left Middle-Earth. Never again did I let my eyes roam the lands whose past bore black holes in my soul.
I never looked back.
But I never forgot.
Erestor I remain
Only years will I gain.
-Tela-