My heart is yours to fill or burst
To break or bury
Or wear as jewelry
Whichever you prefer

--"Hands Down," Dashboard Confessional

Ryan stood outside Seth's door, hand poised to knock, then shook his head and took a step back. He should just go back downstairs and wait. It was only ten after seven, and knowing Seth he was still picking out a shirt. Seth's an incredibly organized person, but he can spend an hour deciding between two T-shirts. It's something Ryan's never really understood, but he accepts it. He realized that he never told Seth it was a nice restaurant with a tie policy, but he figured Seth's probably figured that out from the pictures and the fact that he got the suggestion from Summer.

Just when he'd decided to head back downstairs, Seth opened the door to his room and barreled out, almost knocking Ryan down.

"Whoa, hey, sorry. Are you okay?"

Ryan smiled at the sight of Seth in a light green shirt, thin black tie, and brown sweater. "Yeah, I'm fine. You look great."

Seth blushed slightly, and grabbed Ryan's hand. "Thanks. You too." No one can wear a shirt quite like Ryan, Seth thought as they walked towards the stairs, and he took care to notice the way the crisp black fabric hugged Ryan's shoulders and chest. Seth paused at the bottom of the stairs, and looked Ryan up and down. "I mean it, man. You look awesome."

Ryan grinned. "Thanks. I even tied my own tie," he says, straightening his light grey tie self-consciously.

Seth laughed. "Very impressive. So, are we ready?"

Ryan gave Seth a quick kiss. "Ready."

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"So, what looks good?" Seth asked, peering over his menu.

"Um, I'm not sure," Ryan answered, straightening his tie uncomfortably. He frowned and looked down at his menu, but nothing sounded good.

"Yeah, me either," Seth replied, eyeing Ryan curiously. He reached for his water glass. "So, can you believe we graduate in a week?" he asked, sipping the water, attempting to drown the butterflies in his stomach. He was trying to focus on the menu, but for some reason, every entrée looked like "Sex with Ryan" and he was pretty sure they didn't serve that kind of thing here. He cleared his throat.

"Yeah, I know. Weird." Ryan responded absent-mindedly. He adjusted his tie again.

"Ryan?"

"Hmm?"

"What the hell are we doing?"

Ryan looked up at Seth, surprised. "What do you mean?"

"I just…I don't want you to think that I don't appreciate all of this, because I do. It's so awesome that you talked to Summer, and planned this whole date, but…we're wearing ties. You hate ties, I hate ties, ties are no one's friend, Ry. And this restaurant?" Seth continued, motioning around. "Is really nice and all, but it doesn't exactly scream 'Seth and Ryan,' you know? So, I'm just wondering…what are we doing?"

Ryan looked around, watching the over-dressed couples peer at each other. He looked back at Seth and shrugged. "I don't know. I just wanted…I just wanted to do something special, I guess, and Summer suggested this place, and I thought it would be great. But it's…it's not great, is it?"

Seth smiled. "It's not so great that we're wearing ties and sitting in a fancy restaurant and making awkward small-talk, no. That part is not so great." Seth paused, then reached his arm across the table and touched Ryan's hand lightly. "It is great, however, that you planned all this for me. It's sweet. Incredibly cheesey, but sweet."

Ryan returned Seth's smile. "So, what do you say we get the hell out of here?"

"I think that's the best idea ever." Seth grinned as he stood up. Ryan followed Seth outside.

Once they were back in the truck, Seth leaned over and tugged on Ryan's tie. "I think these can go," he said, grinning. Ryan smiled back and removed his tie. Seth pulled his tie out from under his sweater and slipped it over his head. "Much better. So, I really am starving. And the rules of dating do require that you provide me with a meal."

Ryan smiled as he started the car. "How about Chinese take-out on the beach?"

-----------------------------------------

Seth grabbed the take-out boxes. "Ready?"

Ryan grabbed some things from the back seat. A small jolt of terror ran through Seth as he noticed Ryan was carrying a blanket. If Ryan brought a blanket to the beach, he was expecting The Sex, right? Seth swallowed determinedly, and for the only time in his life, he wished he had given the banana a blow job. Seth laughed suddenly at the absurd thought.

"What?" Ryan asked curiously.

"Nothing. Just…bananas." Seth replied cryptically, smiling.

Ryan shook his head. "Whatever you say."

They walked to the beach hand-in-hand. Ryan sat the basket down, spread the blanket out and sat down.

"So, what's in the basket?" Seth asked as he unwrapped his chopsticks.

Ryan opened the lid of the basket and handed Seth a Mountain Dew. "Drinks. And a radio," he said, lifting it out and setting it on the blanket beside them. "And a comic book, in case I get bored."

Seth laughed through a mouth of lo mein. "Funny."

Ryan unwrapped his plastic fork and opened his shrimp fried rice. "This is so much better than forty dollar lasagna."

"I totally agree. I mean, the restaurant was nice, but it was weird. We were making small talk. How weird was that?"

Ryan nodded. "I know, I noticed that." He chewed thoughtfully. "Why?"

"Why was it weird?" Ryan nodded. "I don't know. I think…I think we were trying to have an average person's romantic date, you know? Get dressed up, go to a fancy restaurant, that kind of thing. But we're not average, and this isn't average. We're us. We need to date like us. Just because we're a couple now, instead of best friends, doesn't mean we're totally different people, you know?"

Ryan nodded again. "That makes perfect sense."

"You don't have to sound so surprised."

"Heh. Sorry, it's just, you don't usually meet people who can go from random banana laughing to profound statements about relationships in a little less than 20 minutes."

Seth laughed. "I am like no other, Ryan. You should know that by now."

"I do," Ryan replied, his voice husky, his eyes focused on Seth's. Seth felt a shiver run down his spine, and his throat constricted slightly. "So, okay, let me ask you a question. Why the date?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, why did you feel like you had to take me on a date?"

Ryan closed the top of his take-out box and set it in the basket. "I don't know. I didn't feel like I had to, I just…" Ryan reached out and took Seth's hand in his, staring at it, rubbing over the top of Seth's fingers with his thumb. Seth shivered again. "I wanted to. I mean, graduation is in a week, as you so eloquently pointed out at dinner. And this summer, you're going to be with your grandpa and I am going to be in Newport working for you mom, so I wanted to do something special. And alone." Ryan looked up at Seth. "I hope that's okay."

Seth leaned forward and kissed Ryan quickly. "It's very okay. And hands down, this is the best day I can ever remember."

Ryan looked at Seth. "Dashboard Confessional?"

Seth couldn't hide his surprise. "Very impressive."

"I do listen when you speak, Seth. Even when you speak for hours about bands I've never heard of. And I've listened to every mix CD and iPod playlist you've ever made me."

"Wow. I just—wow." Seth's grinned encompassed his whole face.

"Actually," Ryan said, leaning over and pulling something out of the basket. "I made this for you." He coughed quickly and thrust a CD cover into Seth's hands.

Seth looked down. On the plain white cover, the words "You don't listen to music? That's weird" were scrawled in all caps, and then, in smaller letters below that, "A Mix for Seth, from Ryan."

"Ryan," Seth whispered, looking up at Ryan. "Thanks." He started to open the case to look at the track listing, but Ryan stopped him.

"Wait. Just listen." He took the cover from Seth and pressed play on the CD player. Soft piano chords floated from the speakers, and Seth broke into a huge grin. "Transatlanticism."

Ryan nodded. "Too cheesy?"

"No. Not at all. I would say that is the perfect amount of cheese." Seth smiled. "Wanna dance?"

Ryan smiled and leaned over Seth. "I was thinking maybe this time we could skip right to the kissing."

Seth smiled as he leaned back. "That's a good idea. I think I'll get fewer injuries that way, as well." He put his hand on the back of Ryan's neck and pulled him in for a long kiss. Ryan's tongue pushed against Seth's teeth, inviting itself inside, and Seth slid his hands up the back of Ryan's shirt as he laid back. Ryan shivered slightly as Seth ran his fingertips lightly down his back. Ryan slid his hand down to Seth's waist and untucked his shirt. Seth smiled and pulled away slightly. "You know what's better than a date with no ties, Ryan? A date with no shirts." Ryan smiled slightly as both boys sat up. Ryan unbuttoned his top three buttons and pulled his shirt over his head. Seth removed his sweater started unbuttoning his own shirt. Ryan reached over and unbuttoned Seth shirt for him, pushing it off his shoulders to reveal a well-worn t-shirt.

"How many shirts did you wear tonight, Seth?" Ryan asked, partly frustrated, partly amused.

Seth grinned sheepishly. "I like to be fashionably prepared for any event." He thought about telling Ryan that Summer told him once it was much better to dress in layers, but now, with Ryan tugging at the hem of his shirt, now was not the time to be talking about Summer.

Ryan pulled Seth's t-shirt over his head, and they sat facing each other in the moonlight.

"You know, I've seen you with your shirt off a hundred times before, not that like, I've counted or anything, but still, it's like I've never seen you before." Seth blushed slightly. "Is that stupid?"

Ryan shook his head, reaching out to trace a line with his fingertip from Seth's collarbone down his chest. "No," he said, looking at Seth. "It's not stupid." Ryan slid his hands around Seth's waist again, and they both leaned into the blanket, Seth wrapping his arms around Ryan. Seth's hands explored Ryan's naked back, and Seth sighed as Ryan kissed down his neck, Ryan's hands moving up his side, around his shoulder, and down his upper arm.

The Groping.

Seth swallowed hard, running his hands through Ryan's hair and Ryan kissed his collarbone, then lightly traced his tongue across Seth's shoulder. Seth turned on his side slightly, leaning into Ryan, pulling him closer, sucking Ryan's earlobe into his mouth. Ryan moaned quietly, pressing his fingers into Seth's back.

The Moaning.

Seth tried to push his anxiety out of his mind, concentrating on kissing Ryan's neck, and the warmth of Ryan's mouth on his chest. Ryan's tongue grazed Seth's nipple lightly, and the cold air against his neck as Seth gasped made him shudder slightly.

The Gasping.

"Ryan."

Seth pushed himself away slightly, and Ryan looked up. His eyes were hungry, and Seth had unfortunate Dirty Dancing/Patrick Swayze thoughts before clearing his throat.

"I, um…I mean, I—" he began, but he realized he has no idea what he wants to say.

"Are you okay?" Ryan asked, moving away. Too far away.

"Yes, no, I mean, yes, I'm okay," Seth fumbled, pulling Ryan back against his chest. "I just…um, what exactly? I mean, how are?" Seth closed his eyes and took a deep breath. "Are we having sex?"

"Not at the moment."

Seth opened his eyes to see Ryan smiling at him. "Okay, that's not exactly what I meant."

Ryan props himself up on one elbow. "What did you mean, Seth?"

"I meant, um, oh, God. Okay, see, here's the thing. I don't know a lot about the sex. I've only ever had sex with Summer, and I'm no expert, but I've seen enough episodes of Queer as Folk to know that sex with Summer and sex with you are two completely different things, and I'm a little nervous about the sex. Seeing as how I've never exactly done this kind of thing before. I'm nervous, which you should be able to tell from the seriously incoherent babbling. I'm nervous, and scared. I'm terrified of the sex."

Ryan frowned. "So, you don't want to have sex?"

"No, see, I didn't say that, Ryan. Because I do. Every part of me wants to have sex with you, some parts more than others, but I just—" Seth sat up, frustrated and embarrassed. "I don't know. I'm sorry. I should just learn to shut the hell up."

"Seth." Ryan sat up beside him, wrapping his arms around Seth's waist, resting his chin on his shoulder. "Don't say that. First of all, it could never happen," Seth felt Ryan grin, but he turned his head away, his cheeks burning red. "Secondly, I want to know what you're thinking, and feeling. That's important to me." Ryan kissed Seth's shoulder. "And it's not like I've ever done this before, either, Seth. This is new for both of us."

"Yeah, but you know way more about sex than I do."

"I don't know anything about sex with you, Seth. Except that it's not like any sex I've ever had. And not just because you're a guy." Seth turned to look at Ryan curiously. Ryan's cheeks flushed, and he rested his forehead on Seth's shoulder. "I love you, Seth."

Seth's heart was in his throat. He sat, staring at Ryan for a minute, then leaned forward and kissed the top of Ryan's head. "I love you, Ry," he whispered, and Ryan thought for a minute that maybe he imagined it, but when he looked up, Seth was smiling.

"That wasn't as scary as I thought it might be." Ryan said into Seth's shoulder. Seth laughed. "Look, we don't have to do anything tonight. We can go home, if you want."

"I didn't say that," Seth replied, leaning into Ryan's arms. "I just don't know if I'm ready for the sex yet." Seth closed his eyes again. "I am such a girl."

Ryan smiled. "No, if you were a girl, we wouldn't be having this conversation."

Seth laughed, eyes still closed. "True. He opened his eyes and looked into Ryan's.