What Better Use For Your Millennium Item?

Chapter 4

Ishizu frowned thoughtfully and tapped her finger against her chin. She needed to get serious. It had been a week since the cookie-baking incident and things had settled down to- well, not normal, not with two five-thousand year old spirits wandering the town and Seto apparently believing that Joey was a dog (or perhaps he was joking), but once again it was pretty boring.

Since her Millennium Necklace was being decidedly stubborn, she was doing this the hard way; making a list. Her focus at the moment were Seto Kaiba and Joey Wheeler. Why? Because the day before, while she was working at the museum, Seto came storming in, making various threats.

Eventually, she figured out that he was looking for a puppy. Before she could suggest trying the Wheeler residence, Mokuba and a black lab had come charging into the room, giggling. Well, at least Mokuba was. The puppy was barking.

The fact that he'd had to make good on his promise to Mokuba to buy him a dog combined with the realization that the dog Mokuba chose was about as hyper as the boy was, not to mention that the puppy and Mokuba had both gone charging into the museum as they walked by and he'd had to chase them, made Seto grumpy. Even grumpier than usual. And he'd taken it out on Ishizu.

After plotting twenty different ways to make his life miserable/slip itching powder down his pants/steal all his beloved trenchcoats, she'd remembered his crush on Joey and decided that being in a loving relationship simply had to soften a person. So she was going to put Seto into a loving relationship.

Hopefully Joey wouldn't mind.

Ishizu's list:

1) Kidnap Joey and leave him tied and gagged on Seto's front doorstep. Let lust- er, love, take things from there.

2) Knock out Seto and dump him on Joey's bed. Make sure that all those nursey-type things are there so Joey can care for him.

3) Get them both in the same, locked, enclosed area.

4) Slip some drugs in Seto's drink.

5) Get Marik to use the Millennium Rod.

Why Ishizu crossed off most of the items on the list:

1) Lust probably would take things from there. And that'd probably just make Seto even more grumpy. Besides, kidnapping Joey probably isn't a very good idea.

2) Joey as a nurse? You've got to be kidding me.

3) We'll keep this one for now…

4) Drugs are illegal, aren't they?

5) That's immoral. Do I care? Hmm…

She circled number three.

Ishizu's list of possible locked, enclosed areas:

1) The boy's bathroom.

2) Seto's bathroom.

3) Seto's bedroom.

There was something wrong with all of them, but she couldn't put her finger on it. There were the technical difficulties, of course, but that wasn't it. There was still room for interference in all these scenarios.

Hmm… what was a place where Seto and Joey were guaranteed to be alone? Somewhere they couldn't possibly escape? Somewhere they were bound to stick together?

The Millennium Necklace gave a little flash. Not much, but she saw Bakura chasing the delivery boy from Il Fuoco a week ago. He was holding the Man-Eater bug, which had come from…

4) The Shadow Realm.

"Hey, Téa?" Joey called after the brunette. "What was the Algebra homework again?"

"Jo-ey," she sighed in frustration, even as she swung her backpack off her shoulder. "It was on the board the whole class!"

"Hey, it was the last period," Joey said, grinning sheepishly. "I was excited and I wasn't really paying attention."

"Page 368," Téa read from her notes as Joey scrambled for a pencil and paper. "Numbers 5 through 20 and numbers 23, 24, and 26."

"Thanks!" Joey said, scribbling furiously. Téa put her things away and lifted her head.

"It's a beautiful day," she murmured, inhaling deeply. "You can tell it's spring."

"Yeah," Joey said, looking around. "Glad we're out of that stuffy building. Learning makes my head hurt!"

"Hello," Ryou greeted as he and Bakura approached the two. Yugi and Yami wandered over as well. "Do you guys want to go anywhere? It's too nice a day to go right home."

"I hate school," Bakura muttered.

"I hate school more than you," Yami muttered back.

"If Ryou didn't give me the answers through our mindlink, I'd fail," Bakura smirked.

"Oh yeah? Yugi gives me the answers too!" Yami sneered.

"Uh, can you keep it down?" Yugi asked, glancing nervously at a passing teacher.

"Hello!" Ishizu said brightly, appearing over Téa's shoulder.

"Ah!" Téa exclaimed, startled. "Oh, wow. You scared me."

"I did?" she asked, placing a hand over her heart. "So sorry."

"Why are you here?" Yami asked, raising an eyebrow at her.

"Ah, to pass a message on from Marik to Bakura," she answered vaguely. "Actually, Bakura, can I have a word with you?" Without waiting for an answer, she grabbed his arm and pulled him away, well aware that she was risking her life by doing so.

That sounded awfully dramatic, huh?

"What are you doing?" Bakura growled, supremely annoyed.

"Like I said, Marik had something to tell you," she said sweetly, dragging him behind a car. "Crouch down."

"What?" he yelped, before she yanked on his shirt and he fell to his knees.

He probably would have killed her for that, or at least severely maimed her, but Shadi, who had been crouching uncomfortably in his white robes, stuck a key into his head.

(For all fangirls growling menacingly, it didn't hurt Bakura. It was the Millennium Key. You know, magic? Seto Kaiba, stop rolling your eyes.)

"Thanks!" Ishizu said, grinning. "So I just touch the Key and I can go into his head?"

"Ishizu, I cannot believe I agreed to this," Shadi said disapprovingly, dusting off his robe.

"Me either!" she chirped. "I thought for sure I'd have to use Marik and his Millennium Rod." He opened his mouth to say something else, but she felt a blush growing on her face- damnit- and quickly touched the Key.

The world warped around her briefly, and she found herself in a… torture chamber? Oh, gods, she hoped Ryou didn't know.

Picking her way through sets of handcuffs, a collection of daggers, and a Rack (where had Bakura learned about those? School, probably), she reached one of the walls of Bakura's soul room. Tentatively, she put a hand on the wall and concentrated.

Seto and Joey…

They have insulted you…

They must be sent to the Shadow Realm…

"How'd you get so dirty?" Ryou asked in shock as his yami rejoined their group.

"Huh?" Bakura asked dazedly. "Oh…" he glanced down at the knees of his school uniform, covered in streaks of tar and filth. "I don't know."

Ryou hesitated. "Okay… did you get the message from Marik?"

"Yeah," Bakura responded automatically. His brow furrowed; he had, right? Well, it didn't matter, Marik would tell him tomorrow.

Joey, meanwhile, had had his attention diverted.

"Joey, are you growling?" Yugi asked in alarm.

"Kaiba…" Joey sneered, eyes flashing. "He's such an arrogant no-good jerk!"

Sure enough, the object of Joey's annoyance was stalking out of the building, clutching his laptop. He'd somehow changed from his school uniform into the usual impressive trenchcoat, which was floating behind him. (Ishizu once had a random but amusing vision of how he accomplished that. A few wires and a lot of starch, all done by his subordinates, of course.) Of course, thanks to a nicely-timed vision Ishizu had had, she was possibly the only one who knew that Seto Kaiba wasn't really the object of Joey's annoyance. And what Joey really meant when he said "arrogant no-good jerk" was "arrogant drool-worthy sex god".

Joey's comment caught Bakura's attention. He lifted his gaze away from Ryou and glanced from Joey to Seto. From Joey to Seto.

Seto opened his mouth to make some disparaging comment, likely to be an insult to Joey, but Bakura acted first (amazing reflexes born from a previous lifetime of robbing tombs and narrowly escaping death).

He sent Seto Kaiba to the Shadow Realm.

"Whoa!" Joey blinked, seeing his rival/crush disappear before his eyes. Usually in his dreams, things between him and Seto progressed much further before Seto magically disappeared, leaving him completely crushed. How depressing.

Luckily, Joey didn't have to be confused for long. Bakura sent him to the Shadow Realm next.

"Bakura?" Ryou asked blankly. "What did you do?"

"Sent them to the Shadow Realm," Bakura scowled.

"WHY?"

"They insulted me!"

In the parking lot, a car pulled away, leaving Ishizu and Shadi exposed. Shadi was glaring at Ishizu, who quickly grabbed his hand and dragged him off school grounds. Her work here was done.

"Why on earth did that idiot send us to the Shadow Realm?" Seto scowled. It seemed like scowling was all he did lately.

Joey clutched his head. What with the rather wild trip to the Shadow Realm, the fact that he was in the Shadow Realm, and the fact that he was stuck in the Shadow Realm with his worst enemy, who by the way claimed that he was a better duelist and that Joey was a puppy dog… he had just a little-itty-bitty headache. If you count Red-Eyes Black Dragon, Blue-Eyes White Dragon, and the Dark Magician blasting each other away in his skull a little-itty-bitty headache.

"Kaiba, he's five-thousand years old. He used to live in a piece of jewelry. He was a tomb robber. He's best friends with Marik. He knocked out Pegasus and stole the Millennium Eye and kept it for a month before Yami caught on. He's insane! He doesn't need a reason!"

Seto didn't really have anything to say to that, so he scowled. This was becoming a bad habit. Maybe he should start glowering…

"Anyway," Joey was saying, "we're stuck here until Ryou and Yugi can get us out. If they give Bakura the pouty-faces long enough, he usually gives in."

"How long will that take?" Seto asked grumpily.

Joey considered. "It took about a week with Téa."

"Why'd Bakura send Téa to the Shadow Realm?"

Joey shrugged. "She complimented him on the really dorky pants Ryou make him wear."

Seto shook his head; Téa was one of the few people he could look at without feeling murderous urges. "You try to do something nice for someone…"

Joey suddenly began snickering. Seto glared at him. "What's so funny?" he demanded.

In a very sincere tone, Joey said, "Hey, Kaiba, maybe we can get together and play Duel Monsters sometime!" Switching tones, he snarled, "Ha. I'd have more of a challenge playing Solitaire."

Seto flushed, then, because there was nothing else to do, scowled. Joey ignored him and began glancing idly around. There wasn't much to see; the fog was too thick.

Finally Seto broke the silence: "A week."

"Well," Joey said, shrugging elaborately, "it might have been sooner, but Yami kept yelling at Bakura and making him very determined not to bring Téa back. Bakura once sent Tristan to the Shadow Realm, but Yugi made sure Yami was out dueling that day- he didn't get a chance to lecture. Tristan was back by nighttime. Yami already knows we're here, but as long as he doesn't lose his temper, we're golden."

"Baka tomb robber!" Yami bellowed.

"Stupid pharaoh!" Bakura screamed back.

Ryou and Yugi exchanged unhappy looks. "I wish we could calm them down," Ryou whispered.

"Guys!" Téa tried to intervene. "Guys, stop!"

"You're careless!" Yami screeched.

"You're incompetent!" Bakura shot back.

"Insignificant!"

"Arrogant!"

"Even more arrogant!"

"Spoiled!"

"Selfish!"

"Drama Queen!"

"Drama King," Yugi interjected.

"Drama King!" Bakura snapped.

"THAT'S DRAMA PHARAOH TO YOU, YOU INFERIOR, PATHETIC DUELIST!" Yami screeched, stomping a booted foot (which made his mass of chains rattle).

"OH, GO SCREW YOUR HIKARI!" Bakura hollered, before wheeling around and storming away.

Yugi froze. Ryou felt his face flaming red and shot Yugi a careful look. Yami opened his mouth to reply, realized what Bakura had said, and tried to retreat into the Millennium Puzzle before he realized he had his own body this time. He rubbed the bruise on his forehead (caused when he'd tried to ram his head into the Puzzle), took one look at Yugi, and turned heel. As he sprinted away, he called something over his shoulder about 'visiting his good friend Weevil Underwood,' and Ryou realized how desperate he was.

"I'm sorry Bakura said that!" Ryou said quickly. Yugi didn't answer; he seemed to be in a cationic state.

"Yugi?" Téa questioned, but a giggle escaped her lips. "Oh- I'm sorry-" she quickly said, struggling to compose her face. The smile wouldn't go away, however. "Are you okay?" After another stream of laughter, she gave up and turned quickly away. "Um I have to go see about Joey let you know if I find out anything!"

Ryou debated scampering away from this embarrassing situation, but that would mean leaving a paralyzed Yugi behind. What if it started to rain?

"Um… Yugi?" Ryou asked cautiously. No answer.

"Yugi, I'm sorry about Bakura… I don't think he was serious…"

Was it possible to go that long without blinking?

"Yugi?" he tried once more. When he still didn't receive an answer, he sighed.

"Yugi, please don't make me drag you home…"

"Yugi?"

"Yugi?"

Next chapter: Joey and Seto are having lots and lots of fun in the Shadow Realm, you can be sure. And things back home just keep getting better, starting with Ryou and Yugi in the parking lot, and Bakura's great adventure.