What Better Use For Your Millennium Item?

You can tell by this time when I'm kidding, right? If I were to be exceptionally mean to one of the characters, and if you liked them, you'd still realize that I was only joking and that I poke fun at everyone and that this fic is intended to exaggerate characteristics and even make up new ones, right? Good.

Chapter 7

"I'm not going."

"Joey!" Téa stomped her foot. "Seto Kaiba just screamed- boy, did he scream- that he loves you. Then Ishizu tells us that he's about to faint. And you want to run in the other direction?"

"No," Joey retorted. "I want to curl into a little ball and hide under a table and suck my thumb."

"Pitiful," Bakura snorted. Ryou glared at him.

"So says the one who sleeps with a-" Ryou began, but was cut off by a hand. The hand of a very panicked, very psychotic, very dangerous ex-tomb robber.

"You promised you would never bring that up again!" Bakura whined.

Yugi seemed about to ask something, but then remembered that he did not in fact have a death wish. So he refocused his attention on Joey. "Why won't you go find Seto?" he asked plaintively, wondering if Joey was still susceptible to puppy-eyes.

"Because…" Joey's voice trailed off, then he thought of something. "Because he's gonna kill me!" he said triumphantly, then his eyes grew wider again and he whimpered. "He's gonna kill me…"

"Joey, he's not going to kill you," Téa said patiently. "He loves you. People generally don't kill the ones they love."

("I would," Bakura said proudly, and Ryou shushed him.)

"He doesn't love me," Joey said sadly, hanging his head.

"Joey! He just hollered that he loved you! What more do you want?" Téa asked through clenched teeth.

"He wasn't serious," Joey mumbled, looking very pathetic indeed. Téa closed her eyes, pleading for patience.

"You thought he was serious before," Yugi pointed out sensibly. "You started singing and everything."

"I only sang because…" Joey blushed. "That's the background music in my dreams. I thought I was having another dream, but I didn't hear any background music. So… I decided to sing myself. …………stop staring at me like that!"

"Sorry," Téa muttered, glancing away. "Well, in any case, we can't stay here all day." Just as she said that, two men dressed in guards' uniforms appeared in the doorway, talking anxiously.

"The man in the turban said Mister Kaiba was ill! What if he really is?"

"It's a hoax," the other one said positively. "Why else would he lead us halfway around the mansion and suddenly disappear?"

The first man shivered. "I don't like how he did that either. What if-" he stopped when he caught sight of Bakura, Ryou, Yugi, Téa, and Joey, standing nervously in the control room. "Hey! What are you kids doing in here?"

"I am not a kid," Bakura said indignantly. "I am a five-thousand year old expert in all manners of tomb robbing."

"Robbing?" the first guard asked dubiously.

"Five thousand year old?" the second guard said skeptically.

"Ryou's not really a kid either," Bakura continued thoughtfully. "You can just call him a weakling. That's what I do."

"Hey!" Ryou protested.

"You can't be in here," the first guard said sternly.

"Please, help us," Téa asked, stepping up. She clasped her hands. "We just found out that Seto Kaiba might be on the verge of fainting! We have to find him!"

"Not another one," the second man groaned. "I bet these kids are in with the man in the turban."

"Shadi?" Yugi wondered aloud.

"A-ha! See?" The guard pointed triumphantly.

A fight might have broken out, but Téa lost her temper. "Listen!" she snapped, forcing everyone's attention toward her. "Seto Kaiba might be ill, and we have to go get him. Joey Wheeler here is the boy he loves." She jerked her thumb at the sheepish-looking blonde. "Kaiba will need him."

"Need me?" Joey squeaked.

"Need him?" one of the guards asked, sounding on the verge of laughing.

"Oh yes," Téa informed them. "Show us the way, now! Or he'll-" this time she pointed at Bakura- "make your lives absolutely miserable."

The guards hesitated, looking back and forth from Téa's flashing eyes to the sudden demonic grin that appeared on Bakura's face. "But we don't even know where Mister Kaiba is," the first guard said finally, looking confused.

"Then just stay here, out of the way," Ryou said in exasperation. "Can we go, guys?"

"Yeah," Téa said, shoving her way past the guards. "Come on!" Yugi, short as he was, slipped between them. Ryou politely went around, but Bakura plowed right between the two guards, causing one of them to fall over. Bakura grinned proudly and Joey hopped over the body, still looking nervous.

Yami wandered the streets. He'd still be running but after a while the weight of his jewelry got to him.

"Yami!" A nasally voice sounded off to his right, and the Pharaoh (ex-Pharaoh, but don't try telling him that) turned to look at Weevil Underwood. His 'good friend Weevil Underwood'. Talk about ironic. Maybe Ishizu's Necklace was doing funny things to him. "I challenge you to a duel," Weevil plowed on. How impolite.

Yami frowned. "No hello?"

Weevil's face twisted. "Don't you mock me!" he shrieked. Yami raised an eyebrow. "Duel me, Yami!" Weevil said again, laughing. Yami put his hands over his ears. "Duel me!" Weevil screeched.

"I didn't say no!" Yami protested, squinting.

"Well, then?" Weevil demanded.

Yami, the still-King-of-Games, sighed. "Oh-kay," he said, drawing his deck from his pocket and placing it in the duel disk. "But only because it might take my mind off my beautiful hikari. (censored various swears) I mean, Yugi!"

Weevil's bug eyes, well… bugged out. "You and Yugi?" he asked incredulously.

"No," Yami replied sourly. "He doesn't like me." Ah, yes, spilling his heart to 'Weevil Underpants', as Joey dubbed him, psychologist extraordinaire.

"Oh," Weevil said knowingly, smirking. "Too bad," he continued, voice dripping with false concern. "If I remember, your hikari is pretty beautiful. Almost as beautiful as my Insect Queen." (His face puckered as he remembered losing her to Joey. "He doesn't love her like I do!")

This time it was Yami's turn to have his eyes bug out. He didn't know which was worse: That Weevil had called Yugi beautiful or that he'd compared his precious hikari to the Insect Queen! Either way, he'd violated Yugi's honor, and that was something Yami just wouldn't stand for.

"It's time to duel!" he bellowed, his Millennium Puzzle lighting up dramatically. Just for old time's sake.

Bang! Bang! Bang! Bangbangbang!

"It sounds like an old Western movie," Ishizu commented.

"You watch Westerns?" Mokuba craned his head to look up at her. "You don't seem the type."

"Odion and Marik love them," she groaned.

Bang! Bangbang Bang! "Damn stupid f-cking door!"

Mokuba's eyes grew huge. "Seto!" he said, sucking in a breath. "You said you'd ground me and not feed me sugar and make me eat broccoli and send me to school on Saturday if I ever said that word!"

Seto paused. His gun was pointed at the door, which was sporting several bullets embedded in the lock. "Well, I will."

"But you just said it!"

"Because I'm older." Bang!

"When I'm as old as you, can I say it?"

"No!" Bang bang!

"When are you going to run out of bullets?" Ishizu asked in exasperation.

Seto ignored her. "Why won't this door open?" he fumed, striding over and rattling it again. "I don't even remember locking it!"

Ishizu made a show of examining her nails. What a wonderful thing Shadow Magic was.

Seto growled and took aim with the gun again. Bang! Bang! Bang!

"Do we know where we're going?" Yugi asked, biting his lip.

Téa stopped walking. "I have no idea," she admitted. "This stupid place is huge! How are we supposed to find Seto?"

"My Millennium Ring could find him," Ryou offered. Bakura's head snapped up.

"How could your Millennium Ring find him?" Téa asked. "I thought it could only find other Items?"

"Well, yes, but it could find Ishizu's Necklace," Ryou said proudly. "Seto and Ishizu are in the same room, right?"

"That's right!" Yugi beamed. "Thanks a lot, Ryou!"

"My Millennium Ring will find them," Bakura growled, shoving Ryou out of the way. The Ring began to glow and he set off quickly.

"Hey!" Ryou protested, scrambling after him. "I said I could do it first!" His identical Ring glowed as well, and he tried to dash ahead.

"But I can do it better!" Bakura roared triumphantly, elbowing Ryou aside.

"Nuh-uh! I've had the Ring longer!" Ryou caught up with Bakura again and plowed forward.

"I've had it five thousand years, nitwit!" Bakura's voice was growing faint as the two boys turned a corner.

"Well, I've had my own body longer!"

"But I'm in better shape!"

"You only like to think that! You're always so mean to me!"

"Eh-heh, maybe we should start after them," Yugi suggested nervously.

"Ri-ight…" Téa said slowly, staring after them distantly. "Let's go…" They started off, but Joey lingered behind.

"Joey? You okay?" Yugi asked in concern.

"Mmm…" Joey said weakly.

Téa rolled her eyes. "Come on, Joey," she said soothingly, going up to him and patting him on the arm. "It's all right… just come with Yugi and me…"

"Mmm…" Joey muttered, most likely protesting.

Téa clenched her teeth, then grabbed Joey's right shirt sleeve. "Come on, Yugi," she ordered. "Help me out."

With a nervous grin, Yugi grabbed onto Joey's left sleeve, and they started dragging him after Ryou and Bakura. They caught up despite the fact that they were dragging Joey and the others had been running, for the very good reason that Ryou and Bakura were no longer running. Somehow- probably they'd tackled each other- they'd both ended up on the floor and were crawling as fast as they could.

"This door!" Ryou crowed triumphantly, clambering over Bakura to touch the door.

"No!" Bakura cried, and in desperation banished the door to the Shadow Realm. Seto was standing there, gun pointed above their heads and in between Yugi and Téa.

In short, the center of Joey's forehead.

"Aaaah!" Seto screamed, desperately chucking the gun over his shoulder. Ishizu had a flashback of herself throwing the Millennium Necklace.

Shadi really did have a bad habit of materializing at inconvenient times. "Aaaah…" he moaned, putting a hand over his eye.

"Oh! Are you okay!" Ishizu asked anxiously, rushing over. "Seto apologizes!"

"I do not apologize," Seto said indignantly.

"You do so," Ishizu said crossly, grabbing Shadi's hand and prying it from his eye. "Let me inspect the damage! …Ew, that's going to leave a mark."

"Reassuring," Shadi grumbled. "Leave me alone."

"What's gotten into you?" she asked airily.

"Er, Seto?" Mokuba said nervously, twisting his head to see Seto trying to hide behind him. "Are you okay?"

Joey was trying to hide behind Téa. Yugi's eyes widened. "Are they okay?"

"It's probably the side effects from the trip through the Shadow Realm," Ishizu offered, turning her back on a grumpy Shadi.

"What side effects?" Mokuba asked in alarm.

"Grumpiness, being antisocial-" ("How could you tell?" Téa muttered) "-cowardice, aversion to sunlight, nausea, a slight headache, and occasionally diarrhea," Ishizu rattled off. "But I don't think you have to worry about the diarrhea as long as Seto eats healthy in the next twenty-four hours!" She flashed a grin at Mokuba.

"I am not exhibiting cowardice," Seto interjected from behind Mokuba's jacket.

"Oh, come on," Yugi said in exasperation. "You guys are so lucky! You have each other, and Joey loves Kaiba and Kaiba loves Joey, and that's all you need! Yami is too busy dueling to notice me, so don't let me hear any complaining from you!"

Slowly, every eye in the room swiveled to look at him. Yugi bristled. "Go on and say something!" he told Joey.

"Don't kill me," Joey said immediately. "Yugi, you like Yami?"

"…What? No!" Yugi pouted. "I didn't mean to say that…"

"That doesn't mean it's not true," Téa pointed out. Ishizu coughed discreetly.

"Well, it's not." Yugi turned away defiantly. "It's not true, I mean."

"So you don't like Yami?" Téa pestered. "You've never noticed how sweet it is how much he cares for you? When you hug him, you don't feel like the world is swimming around you? You never want to kiss him? You never want to crawl into bed with him late at night and-"

"Téa!" Joey said, startled out of silence.

"Ah, Téa?" Ishizu tried again.

Téa glared at Joey and continued. "-crawl into bed with him late at night and tell him how important he is to you? How special? How he gives you that unique feeling that just might be love?"

"Oh…" Joey said, blushing. He glanced up to find Seto staring at him, and didn't look away.

"No!" Yugi squeaked, bright red and looking as if he were on the verge of collapsing.

"Téa!" Ishizu hissed, making odd hand gestures.

"You don't dream about what things would be like if he loved you just as much as you love him?" Téa plowed on.

"No!" Yugi protested again.

"Hey, Téa!" Ishizu grabbed the girl's arm. "Chat time!" she said brightly, waving at the rest of the occupants of the room. "Ryou, Bakura, do something about those two, will you?" she gestured at Seto and Joey. "Be back in a flash!" She dragged Téa from the room. Two seconds later, she poked her head back in the hole where the door used to be: "Shadi, come here, will you?" Muttering various things about Ishizu's brain loss, Shadi trudged after her, wondering if the rest of his life was doomed to be like this.

Ryou and Bakura, once climbing to their feet, had stood off to the side through the whole conversation, determinedly not looking at each other throughout Téa's 'love speech'. (Hey, she upgraded!)

"When she says 'do something', it involves blood, right?" Bakura asked.

Next chapter: Ishizu's new addition to her matchmaking team (i.e. her and Shadi) will be Téa, right after this little chat in the hall! Bakura attempts to impress Ryou… in his own way; the gang comes to a satisfactory conclusion with what to do with Joey and Seto; Yami and Weevil begin a different kind of game.