What Better Use For Your Millennium Item?

People are either going to burst out laughing or throw up or flame me. Warning: Read With Caution. Especially if you're as squeamish as me.

Chapter 8

"She did not mean send them to the Shadow Realm. Again."

"She could have!" Bakura protested. "She wasn't specific."

"And she didn't mean sic the Man-Eater Bug on them," Ryou continued. "And she didn't want you to show Seto and Joey your shiny dagger collection."

"She didn't say not to," Bakura insisted stubbornly.

"I think she meant something more along the lines of getting them to talk like civilized people," Ryou scowled. "And to get Joey to stop sucking his thumb! Goodness, Joey!"

The blonde boy looked sheepish; Yugi looked disgusted. "Does this always happen when people go back and forth from the Shadow Realm?" he asked Bakura.

"Oh, you should have seen Bones," Bakura said dreamily. "Sucking his thumb, eating his feet, drooling on the floor, the whole deal."

"You brought Bones back?" Ryou asked suspiciously; this was news to him. "Why?"

Bakura blinked at him. "Why, out of the goodness of my heart, Ryou," he said sweetly.

"Why?" Ryou demanded. "What did you do?"

"Ryou, I'm hurt… okay, you know that story on the kid who robbed the jewelry store? It was in the news last week?"

"Ye-eesss…" Ryou said slowly, not liking where this was going.

"Did you happen to catch the kid's name?"

"Why do I have a horrible feeling the kid's name was Bones?"

"So you did catch it?"

"Bakura, who really robbed the jewelry store?"

"Do you really need to ask?"

"Bakura! You not only robbed the jewelry store, but you dragged Bones back from the Shadow Realm just to frame him?"

"The whole thing only took me twenty minutes!" Bakura said proudly.

"Bakura!" Ryou wailed.

"Don't go all sissy-hikari on me," Bakura said grumpily. "Besides, I did it all for you."

"You- what?" Ryou blinked. This was a definite new one.

"See?" Bakura reached into his pocket and pulled out a necklace on a thick golden chain. It was dripping with ruby flowers entwined with emerald leaves and black and silver drops of dew. Ryou gazed at it, wide-eyed, until his sense of integrity kicked in.

"You shouldn't have stolen a necklace!" he squeaked, blushing.

"But I stole it for you," Bakura insisted, seeming to think that this made up for stealing it in the first place. "Here, you can put it on now if you like." Carelessly, he handed over the precious necklace.

Ryou took it, speechless. "I… you… it…" he spluttered a while, before regaining some composure. "You can't just take it from the jewelry store," he said, biting his lip. "Besides, it's, uh… I mean, it's beautiful, but it's more of a necklace a girl would wear."

"And you are…" Bakura said, frowning.

"A boy!" Ryou said indignantly. Whatever had been flattering him before was tossed out of the window as he glared at his yami. "That's not funny, Bakura-"

"Erg," Joey moaned, putting a hand to his head.

"Joey's waking up," Yugi announced.

"What?" Ryou asked, distracted. "When did he fall asleep?"

"Pass out," Yugi corrected. "He and Seto both passed out while you and Bakura were arguing."

"Oops," Ryou said meekly.

"Hey, can you help me over here?" Mokuba asked. The black-haired boy was covered in sweat from the exertion. He was trying to drag Seto over to where Joey was just beginning to stir by the back of his older brother's trenchcoat.

"Sure," Yugi grumbled, flashing Ryou and Bakura irritated looks. He joined Mokuba and grasped the corner of the coat, tugging. His back was to Joey, and an unfortunate consequence of not having eyes in the back of your head is that you can't see behind you. Yugi stepped on Joey's head.

"Oh!" he cried. "Sorry, Joey!"

Joey didn't move a muscle. Neither did Seto.

"Maybe we should just leave them there?" Mokuba suggested, blushing. "I mean- well…"

"No, you're right," Yugi sighed. "I think they're more likely to get along if we're gone."

"Fine by me," Bakura said haughtily. He snatched the necklace back from Ryou and marched over to the door. The other three followed him; Mokuba on the verge of giggles, Yugi frowning thoughtfully, and Ryou walking slowly, head down.

"Ah, what did you want, Ishizu?" Téa asked, rubbing her arm. "And where did you get a grip like that?"

"I drag Marik around a lot," she explained, crossing her arms. "I hope I didn't hurt you…"

"Oh, no, I'm sure these bruises will go away by the end of the month," Téa said, forcing herself to laugh.

"Well, that's good!" Ishizu smiled. "Now, why I dragged you out here. You see, Téa, Shadi is helping me do a little matchmaking here in Domino." When Téa glanced at Shadi, the man shook his head frantically and held up his arms defensively. Téa smothered a giggle and refocused her attention on Ishizu.

During the brief explanation, the emotions on Téa's face ranged from confusion to horror to hilarity to terror to disgust to excitement.

"So you'll help?" Ishizu finished.

"Sure!" Téa beamed, laughing. "Sure, I'll help."

"Great!" Ishizu smiled proudly, and Shadi's jaw hit the floor. "So you know what to do once you find Yami?"

"Yup," she giggled nervously, and bounded down the hallway just as Bakura, Ryou, Yugi, and Mokuba exited the room, none of them looking happy except Mokuba.

"Where's she going?" Yugi asked sourly, face twisted in a pout.

"To, uh…" For a fleeting moment, Ishizu wondered what would happen if she told him the truth. 'To help me play matchmaker, to get you and Yami together, so you both can have everlasting happiness.' "To brush her teeth."

"To what?" Ryou asked incredulously.

"She forgot this morning," Ishizu explained solemnly. News flash: she was a rotten liar.

"Oh!" Mokuba put a hand to his mouth, eyes wide. "I think I did too! I'm gonna go do that so Seto won't yell at me!" He dashed down the hall; Ishizu watched him to go with a puzzled expression.

"Well, uh…" She cleared her throat and turned to her companions.

Oops. The last cheerful one had just gone skipping away down the hall. So instead of paying attention to them, she focused on something she thought Seto and Joey would appreciate once they woke up. She removed a giant painting of a Blue Eyes White Dragon from the wall and propped it over the doorway in placement of the door Bakura had banished.

Well, okay. She got Shadi to do it. But point in hand, she created a door. She thought Seto might be one for privacy… especially when he was with Joey Wheeler.

"I challenge you to a rematch!" Weevil screeched.

Yami sighed. The impossible was happening: he was getting… gasp… bored of dueling! Well, maybe it was only because he'd dueled (and beat) Weevil sixteen times in a row. And the same thing happened every time, too. He hovered on the brink of defeat, slipped the Heart of the Cards a tip, and miraculously pulled the one card he needed to win. The one interesting time had been when the only card that could help him was Slifer… he drew it, of course. The expression on Weevil's face had provided him with amusement for the next two duels.

"You know, a true duelist recognizes his opponent's strength," Yami pointed out. He might as well try and work a good life lesson in here.

Weevil's face puckered. "You-"

"Hey guys," Téa said cheerfully, slowing from the frantic run to a casual walk. "Fancy meeting you here."

"Téa!" Yami cried. "Thank goodness! Tell him-" he pointed at Weevil- "to leave me alone!"

Téa eyed the all-powerful Pharaoh of Egypt with a nervous look. "Aaah…"

"He won't duel me!" Weevil cried, stamping his foot. "Téa, tell him to duel me!"

"Umm…"

"Téa, inform him that I've dueled him sixteen times in a row and it's getting annoying!" Yami snapped, crossing his arms.

"You guys…?"

"You can let Yami know that I am sure I'll beat him this time!"

"Hey!" Téa exclaimed, pretending an idea had just occurred to her and she hadn't come up with it during her jog after her talk with Ishizu. "Why don't you try a different kind of game?"

"Not 'Guess my Facial Hair'," Yami said suspiciously.

Téa blinked. "Uh… no, not that."

"Okay then," he said brightly. "I don't like that game. Tristan always wins."

"You were defeated in a game?" Weevil asked, his eyes lighting up in delight.

"It's 'Guess my Facial Hair'!" Yami cried, as if that explained everything. Which, really, it did.

"It's called… 'Catch the Hikari'!" Téa exclaimed, ignoring the incredulous looks from the readers. It's hard to come up with a game that will end in a make-out session between Yami and Yugi. That is, unless Weevil won… her eyes widened. 'Oh Ra, let Yami win'. She squinted at him: 'Yami, how are you going to win if you faint?'

"What?" he asked meekly.

" 'Catch the Hikari'!" Téa informed him happily. "Whoever gets to Yugi and ties him up first wins!"

While Yami made some whimpering noises, Weevil asked: "Why isn't it called 'Catch the Yugi'!"

"Because not every town has a Yugi!" she said impatiently.

"But you think every town has a hikari?" he asked, screwing up his eyes under his thick glasses.

She blinked. "Well, there's more than one at least," she said lamely.

"So can we get any hikari?" Weevil pressed.

"No!" Téa protested.

"Why not?"

"Because… well…" she blinked. "Because…"

"I think we should be able to get any hikari," Weevil declared.

"Yes!" Yami said eagerly, nodding his head. "Yes, we should be allowed to get any hikari."

"Oh, fine," she gave in. She could work around this. "But Marik doesn't count!"

"Why not?" Yami asked, furrowing his brow.

"He's not a real hikari," she told him, although he already knew. "His yami didn't come from a Millennium Item! He came from… uh, from Marik."

"But it's still light and dark," Yami pointed out.

"Would you really call Marik a light?" she asked skeptically. He probably would, actually, if it meant he didn't have to tie up Yugi.

"Ye-"

"No!"

"Oh, all right," Yami said. Téa could practically see him thinking that he could just get Ryou. She'd have to do something about that…

"Excellent!" Weevil screeched, the sun glinting off his glasses. Téa winced.

"So, uh, you need rope?"

"Yes," Yami said determinedly. Now that he'd decided to play this game, he'd go to any lengths to win it.

"You can get some there." Téa pointed.

"Where?"

"There."

Yami stared at the store. "There?"

"Yes!"

"But, Téa…"

"Yes?"

"Do you know what that is?"

"Yes."

"It's a…"

"It's a sex store!" Weevil announced. "I have a credit card there!"

Téa nearly threw up. "You can get rope in there," she told Yami sweetly.

"But…"

"Okay, so maybe not rope, but handcuffs and body-chains should work on Yugi, right?" Or Ryou, but she didn't mention that.

Yami swallowed hoarsely. "Uh…"

"Go on!" she said, giving him a little shove. "You want to win, right?"

So Yami walked, a few steps behind an excited Weevil, dragging his feet. Téa watched him long enough to be sure he entered the store, then darted away. She had to find Ryou before Yami did; she needed to ensure that Yami had to 'catch' Yugi in order to win the game.

When Yami entered the store, his eyes squeezed tightly shut, he walked into a wall. He opened his eyes to find that he'd actually walked into a wall plastered with a picture of… ah…, quickly turned around, and sought out Weevil. He found the short boy in the lingerie section and had to drag him out. Weevil knew his way around the store quite well, which made Yami sick, and quickly picked out two sets of body-chains (and something else for his personal use that Yami didn't care to think about), and made his way to the front cashier.

The cashier, an old, fat man, rung up the purchases with a large smile. He handed the bag to Weevil, winked, and said, "Have fun tonight, you two."

"YOU IMBECILE," Yami said, exploding, "I SHOULD SEND YOU TO THE SHADOW REALM FOR EVEN INSINUATING SOMETHING AS DISGUSTING AS THAT!" He snatched up the bag, realized that the store's logo was branded on there brightly, flushed bright red, and bolted.

Weevil followed him outside. "That guy was my friend," he complained.

"I wonder if I can kill myself with my own Puzzle," Yami grumbled. "Do you want the bag or do you want to just carry your stuff?"

"I have more things than you," Weevil declared, "So I shall take the bag. Here are your chains."

"Gee, thanks," Yami deadpanned, taking the chains with a look of disgust. "So, uh, shall we start?"

"First one to find a hikari and bind them up wins," Weevil reminded him. "Have a witness available, even the hikari himself, to note the time in case we each get a different one."

"Okay," Yami said, wondering what had possessed Téa to suggest this. "Let's go."

Notes: Eeeeww… uh, sorry. In case you couldn't tell, I haven't the slightest idea about sex stores. That explains the lack of description. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'll leave to compulsively scrub my brain.

Next chapter: Téa comes up with a brilliant, fool-proof plan for making sure that Yami doesn't go after Ryou. Yami refuses to lose, and he especially refuses to let Weevil tie up Yugi, so he's out of options. What does he decide to do? (I have no freaking idea.)