Letting out the noise inside of me (Letting out the noise inside of me)
Every window pane is shattering (Every window pane is shattering)
Cutting off my words before I speak (Cutting off my words)
This is how it feels to not believe
Ellie kept her eyes fixated on the sidewalk as she slowly made her way home. Sean's words kept echoing through her head like a broken record, growing louder and louder with each repitition. Had she really overreacted? Maybe Sean had been right, maybe it hadn't been that big a deal. But still, she had just been concerned and when she had tried to justify her worrying about him he had just exploded, yelling and saying she was just like his ex--a person he had told her a several times before that he hated... Did that mean he hated her? Or had it all been just a big misunderstanding? Either way, Sean's words had hurt. The question was, what was she going to do about it?....
A little while later, Ellie reached her house. As she opened the door the usual scent of alcohol filled the air around her, most of it drifting from the living room where her mother laid unconscious on the couch, clutching an empty bottle tightly in her hand, while two others labeled vodka littered the table next to her. "Another night in this hell....." Ellie muttered to herself as she headed up the stairs, leaving her drunken mother lying on the couch.
Ellie opened the door to her room and headed in, dropping her bag by her desk before sitting down in the chair next to her. She folded her arms on the desk in front of her, rested her head on them and stared blankly at the pile of work from Caitlin in front of her.
Everything just seemed to be piling up around her, she wished there was a way to escape, but with the problems in her own home, it seemed like she was trapped. Her father, the one who held their family together, wouldn't be home for two whole months. Until then she'd just have to deal, something that was becoming harder and harder to do. Ellie moved her left wrist out from under her head and began snapping at the rubber band, harder and harder with each snap. It just wasn't cutting it this time, she needed something more real, more painful.
Ellie paused, letting her rubber band snap again before rolling back her sleeve to revealing the collection of cuts of all sizes that littered her arm. Most of them had begun to fade, only a few were still covered in scabs. Ellie looked down at her bag and hesitated for a moment before digging through it to remove her razor. She gripped it firmly in her hand, watching it, craving the feeling of release it had given it her so many times before. "Maybe just once..." She thought, her mind trying to persuade her that it would help.
Her mind shifted to her problems. The pile of work from Caitlin lying in front of her, the fact that her father wouldn't be back, having to deal with her mother-alone for two months, the midterms looming over her and Sean's outburst, the words that just wouldn't go away.
Ellie continued watching the razor, hesitating only a moment before bringing it to clear space on her arm and dragging it across, adding a new cut to her collection. She watched the blood begin to emerge, it felt so good, so relieving. "Could another really hurt?..." She questioned herself, not seeing any real downside. Ellie began once again pressing the razor into her skin, this time pushing it deeper and pulling it longer, trying to make the instant release last as long as possible. She continued this action, feeling the relieving effects of her old habit, once again returning to her addiction.
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Sean remained seated for what seemed like an eternity, he kept wishing he could just take back what he had said to Ellie earlier, but he knew he that he couldn't. His mind started going through the day--repeating the screwups over and over again. Why did this stuff always seem to happen to him? Everyone else around him seemed to have perfectly flawless lives, Emma was always the little-miss-perfect environmental crusader who was always so happy and sure of herself, Tracker had gotten the job he had been after and was living like a king in Alberta and himself, well, he was just a screw up... He had proved that to be true when he lashed out for no reason at the one person in his life who really seemed to understand him. Life couldn't possibly get any worse for him, or could it?
"Well, I can't just sit here forever..." Sean muttered to himself, trying to think of something to take his mind off his problems--for now. Then a voice came into his head, "..there's gonna be a party at my house tonight... there'll be plenty of booze.."
He remembered his last encounter with alcohol, it had ended with Emma getting pissed at him and having to call her mom to come pick them up outside Jimmy's. That wasn't exactly one of Sean's better memories. But then again, it had helped, he'd felt relief--for a little while at least. That's what he needed right now, with all this stress slowly consuming him, maybe just a glass...
A short while later, Sean found himself in a familiar place-- outside Jay's. Music was blaring from inside, while people hung around inside and out, drinking, dancing, partying, Sean was surprised the neighbors hadn't called the cops yet. Nonetheless he headed inside, eager to satisfy his craving of the booze that everyone around him seemed to be enjoying.
A/N: I decided to put up some lyrics from "Way Away" by Yellowcard, the part seemed to fit, it's also where I got the title for this fic...
Sorry that it's kind of short chapter, it was supposed to be longer, but the rest of it was kind of rambling on so I put it in chapter 5, which hopefully will be longer...I won't be able to update all next week, I'm going on a vacation. Hopefully I'll be able to finish and put up chapter 5 before then, if not then I'll post it when I get back (I'm such a damn procrastinator.. I hate it.).
Thanks to those who reviewed, it's motivational. :)
PsYcHoJo: Ugh, sorry to hear about your computer. :( The alcohol part in Numb was really interesting, so I thought it might fit a little into Sean's character to help lead up to something later on... I hope that's ok, if not let me know and I'll change it.
Kitty Kat: No, but I was a little while ago, when they were showing The Power of Love. My cousin's Canadian, I went to visit her and she's taped all of season 3 so I cheated a little bit and got to see it all, excluding the first part of Accidents Will Happen, which my cousin forgot to tape, oh well... And yes, I like the song Way Away and am a big fan of Yellowcard, that first line seemed to fit for the title. I was originally thinking of a song fic, but I decided to just go with some lines of different songs, I almost used the title Send the Pain Below by Chevelle for this chapter, but I was listening to Breaking The Habit by Linkin Park and decided against it.... I'll stop rambling now.
Dark Gothic Rogue: Yeah, even though I can understand where he'd be a little out of character, I thought making Sean a little more emotional would make it interesting. I'm glad you like it.
orange crush3: Thanks. Putting Emma in there just seemed to fit, ever since their fight in Gangsta Gangsta... Oh, and before I forget, I just want to say that Yours Truly, Ellie Nash is coming along great, I can't wait for chapter 11, I'm dying to read it!