I bet some of you saw this and thought, "What the hell? Comedy/Angst?" Well, that's what I thought. But hey; it isn't really dramatic, and I don't write romance, and it is rather funny. But what really makes it is this: Link is sorta stupid, he gets rejected, and Zelda is a bitch! Yay, I think. The title is one of those random things; don't question it.
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Malon, Where Are You?

Link strode down the courtyard, his mind made up and his courage gathered; today was the day, the day he would confess. Confess his love to she whom he had slaved for. Saved for. Sacrificed half his life for. He would not be denied, oh no. No telling what would happen, if his heart were broken. Broken like a piece of china dashed to the floor.

But hey! He was the most desirable man in Hyrule! The very same Hyrule he had slaved to save. And today he was to get his reward. The reward he had really been working for, all these years, since that day, seven years ago...

"Damn, Navi, these guards sure are stupid. Look, he's walked the same path over and over again! Okay, here's my chance..." As the guard turned to make his way back, the young forest boy darted forth, hardly making a sound. And that was it, he was past the guards. Now all that was left was this archway, and then...

"Ah! Who are you?" But our young hero spoke not a word. Entranced was he, by the beauty bright that stood before him. Never mind that the both of them were four years under age; he was in love. Or was it lust? Oh well, when you're ten years old, that sort of thing doesn't matter; you're just as confused either way.

"Boy! Tell me your name before I call the guards!" "Oh, uh... Link, from the forest. I've got this rock..." That was how it all started. How their conspiracy to save Hyrule started. He was sure that she felt the same way, in that moment.

Link shook his head at the memory. He was so innocent back then, it wasn't really all that funny. But all that aside, he's at the garden! 'Feet, heart, brain, don't fail me now. Please don't fail me now.'

"Zelda." "Ah! Who- oh, Link. What can I do for you? Make it quick." 'Well, for starters, you can take that dress off- Shut up! Um... uh...' Her perfect face was distracting him. Well, not perfect now that impatience, and something else unnamable, marred its brow. Impatience?!? Link, say something! "Yoo-hoo! Link, you there?" "Zelda, I love you." There. It was said. The fate of our hero now rested upon the shoulders of a surprised and supremely disgusted Princess Zelda.

"What? Um, hello! Link, Hero of Time or not, you're just a commoner. Yes, the guards let you through, but that's just because Father has ordered them to. Honestly, I don't know what he sees in you, you filthy... man!! Get out, and take your misguided prick with you!"

For a second, Link stood there. His mind was a complete, utter, screaming wreck. His heart, or what was left of it, felt like oozing out of his chest. The light of comprehension was dawning upon the interiors of his soul, and he did NOT like what it revealed, nosirree.

For it revealed that Zelda was a shallow, inconsiderate, lesbian bitch. Nothing to her heart at all, except ambition, the next lucky scullery maid, and next week's dress styles. No feeling for him whatsoever, beyond what she would feel for a bit of sewage.

Therefore his inner dreams, so soft and warm, crumbled around him. And reality, harsh, selfish, bitter and greedy, was setting up shop. His wares are always the same; first amazement, then denial. Next was bleak acceptance, then depression. Finally, suicide.

Link's legs finally responded to the screaming chaos that was his mind. They responded by turning him around and flinging the rest of him back the way he had came, along the path, through town, and finally on a collision course with the ground outside Hyrule Castle Town's gates. And then his face took control, and it used this control to sob helplessly into the soft, yet uncaring grass.

"Link? Pardon me, but why are you crying in the grass?" an innocent young female voice was asking him. Link, startled, jumped up to behold Malon, the ranch girl. Funny, but he had never noticed how beautiful she was. Or how deep her eyes appeared to be... how caring and sympathetic... Before he knew it, his arms were around her, he was crying harder than ever, and the whole sordid story was coming out of him. Every last bit of it, from the first moment up to what had just happened.

For Malon, this was a gift from the Goddesses. She had always loved Link in secret, and had always known Zelda for whom and how she really was. Therefore, she knew it was only a matter of time before just something like this happened. The problem was, Link was suave as a rhino when it came to Zelda, and blind as a bat to boot. Not to mention shy and reserved in general.

So while Link was crying his old heart out, she guided him to her cart, made him get up into it, and drove back to the LonLon Ranch. There, she sat and waited for Link to stop whining. Which he did. And when it happened, he was rather surprised to find himself in Malon's cart. And that he felt better. He didn't know why, but he suspected it had something to do with the way he was sitting right next to pretty little Malon, the ranch girl. And the way Malon's eyes seemed to be cleaning up the last few pieces of his old heart and soul.

Malon saw all this with her woman's intuition; the moment to strike was at hand. The moment when Link's heart was completely empty, and waiting to be filled. Or replaced. Malon intended to replace it, and fulfill her dreams of love and sexual conquest.

The moment came; Link was staring around himself like a newborn, with about as much expression on his face. Malon seized this moment by leaning over ever slightly and kissing Link on the lips. Hard. At the same time wrapping her arms around his neck and pulling his face down. Link responded as planned; he brought his own arms up, his hand cupping her breast.. There just happened to be hay in the cart; Malon marveled at how lucky she was. Didn't matter: the main thing was to get that annoying green shirt of his off, then her shirt and dress...

Two hours later, he belonged to him, body and soul. Not mind; a man without his mind was fairly useless when it came to farm work. A month later, they were happily married.

End