Dismal Angel 2010 - Episode 15
Chapter 4: Sweet Misery
"It's so beautiful down here, isn't it?" Rogue said softly as she walked along side the lake with Remy by her side. They walked slowly, taking in the scenery. The sun blazing down. It felt like mid summer weather, and it was pleasant and calming.
"Always has been," Remy said. "Liked to come down here a lot to think, especially when I was feelin' less than happy – which has been a lot lately. But then…you probably knew that…" Remy said. He walked with his arms folded lightly since he had no pockets to put his hands in.
"Only from what I read in the papers," Rogue admitted after a moment, realising what he was getting at. Something about the way he said it seemed to be getting at something.
"Does it bother you?" he asked. He glanced over the water, watching it sparkle in the sun, it seemed like paradise compared to where he'd been, and compared to the wintery weather he remembered it having been.
"Should it?" Rogue asked, "You're asking me? Me who wore nothing but black for five years straight, years of therapy trying to deal with my powers and my emotions and everything…tried to kill myself…any of that ring a bell?" she asked, incredulously.
He looked at her, unsure how to take this, really. He just looked at her. She looked so beautiful in the sun that he found it very hard to control the emotions that built up inside him. A mix of anger and love that reminded him of how it truly was to feel for someone.
"C'mon, Remy…sure, it BOTHERS me, but…it doesn't make me uncomfortable," she stated, "over all the time we spent trying to find you it I don't think I gave it much thought either even though I knew you felt so badly."
His eyes met hers as they walked. "How does it bother you."
Rogue stopped and turned fully towards, "that you're hurtin'…" she said softly.
Remy moved, "no no no, I don't need to hear this…" he said, "see you always do this…you say the right thing…and I fall and then I mess up…and…and…" he gestured wildly trying to express himself but stumbled over the words.
Rogue took a hold of his arms tenderly, a little nervously, "who says you're going to mess up?" she asked softly.
Remy looked away, "always happens don't it? We're fated to always be screwed over by our feelings for each other. Sweet misery…that's all we every cause each other…it don't mean to but…it happens nonetheless…"
Rogue let go of his arms and turned to walk away. Remy sighed and followed on.
"I'm still mad at you," he said, "I've never been able to forgive you for just…just assuming I had just plain out killed that kid Jared in cold blood…when you knew me…you didn't have any faith in me…"
Rogue kept her head turned, and nodded, "understandable…and I'm still mad at you for all the stupid stuff you did…but…life goes on. How long can we hold a grudge? Not forever…like I say, life goes on."
"Right," he uttered, "until the next stupid thing I do…and it always comes down to what I do…it's always my fault, and I'm this close to a break down…" he stopped her and turned her towards him, he showed her the centimetre space between his thumb and index finger.
She sucked in her breath, that wasn't good enough. She wasn't going to let him deter her from doing this. Even if he told her he didn't feel the same, she didn't care, she had to tell him. "I love you."
Remy stepped back slowly, he hadn't expected her to just come out with it as suddenly as she had. He looked at her, he might have cried but he never wanted her to see his tears again. It left him too vulnerable and he knew if he cried she'd hold him and then he'd fall into that trap, in love, out of luck and out the window. It was always the same. "Rogue…"
"You never call me Chere much anymore," Rogue said softly, "can't remember the last time you even called me by my real name," she looked to the ground. "I remember the last time you held me though…" her eyes came over as distant, she seemed a thousand miles away, lost in her memories. "And I remember the last thing I ever said to you that night…do you remember?"
Remy shook his head, "no…" he said.
Rogue looked up at him, eyes meeting his once again, "you wanted to leave…you were growing tense, worried something was going to happen…and I told you why – even though I loved you much as I did – why I couldn't ever just up and leave like you wanted to…"
Remy frowned, trying to remember, "remind me…"
"Because if I left I'd be forfeiting my chances to make a difference in the world…and chances of learning to control my powers…" she said, "and what if I had left, Remy. None of this might have happened but is there any guarantee we'd be any the happier?" she asked.
Remy shrugged.
"And that night YOU broke your promise to me," Rogue said, "I asked you before I left you room that night…I said 'you're not going to leave, are you?'…and you said no…but…you did…" her eyes teared up. "I was SO mad at you…I spent seven YEARS being mad at you…and I'm STILL angry at you…but I still love you even though I am…"
Remy kept his eyes on her still, his heart felt as if it were beating at an abnormal rate, he wasn't sure if this was one of his panicky moments or if it was her getting through.
"So what if I blamed you?" she asked. "You broke your promise, I felt betrayed…we both made mistakes – we lost each other because of those mistakes…"
Remy shook his head, "we can't get what we had back, Rogue…we just can't…it's truly over…I knew that when you tried to kiss me and I pushed you back despite how much I wanted that k— uh…yeah, so I wanted the kiss…doesn't mean that we're still…meant to be…god I don't know what I'm talking about anymore…" he sat on the grass near the lake, head in his hands, trying to figure out what he wanted.
Rogue sat down beside him, "so what if we can't have what we had back then…we were KIDS. Things would never be the same anyway, right?" she asked.
Remy rubbed his head, "I don't know."
"Remy, look, just STAY with the X-Men, and we'll work at a friendship…and…a relationship…and now that we're older there's a chance maybe we can make it work…we've had time to learn from our mistakes…maybe that's going to make the difference."
Remy rested his elbows upon his knees, he looked away, his eyes glassy, "I don't think I can think any more about this, Rogue…" he said sadly.
Rogue swallowed, she could see the emotion in his eyes. He cared, he just couldn't say it. "Look me in the eyes and tell me – from your heart – that you don't want to try and make it work, and I'll drop it now…just…do it…"
Remy turned and looked at her, his eyes very watery, he shook his head, "I can't…" he swallowed his tears back, "I can't…" he said near to a sob, and walked off.
Kitty sighed watching Remy and Rogue from where she sat at the patio table with Piotr. They were eating burgers on buns, recently off the barbecue. The apparent emotion that was showing on Rogue and Remy – even from the distance – was enough to make Kitty feel less than hungry.
"Looks like things aren't good," she sighed.
"But I cooked the burgers all the way through," Piotr said, lifting the top half of his bun to check his burger.
"Not the food, duh," Kitty rolled her eyes, "Rogue and Remy…looks like they aren't going to be getting back together…god they're so stupid…they love each other and they just…can't work it out…it's probably his fault. Men just DON'T get it sometimes," she said, she gave Piotr a meaningful look, then got up, "I should go see if he's alright."
"I am sure he will be fine," Piotr said.
"I should check anyway," Kitty uttered. She began to head down the hill towards where Remy was coming in the direction from there towards the hill. Kitty had spent the last half hour at the table talking about relationships and making hints at Piotr – none of them he'd fallen for of course.
She felt like giving up and going back to Kurt, it would be so much easier, although not as romantic, she decided.
"What's going on?" Kitty asked as she met with Remy halfway.
"I need to go," Remy said softly, he walked straight past her and up to the house, passing by everyone without even a second glance, he went inside.
"Go? Go where?" Kitty asked after she'd caught up with him.
"Anywhere but here, anywhere but near her…I can't be with her…it's all too…I don't know, too good to be true…" he headed upstairs into the room he'd been staying in.
"What are you talking about?!?" Kitty asked, "How can it be too good to be true?!" she followed him into the room.
"She's MAD at me but she still wants to be with me? There's got to be some catch somewhere, right?" he asked, he grabbed a pair of jeans where they'd been hanging over a chair and pulled them on over his trunks.
"There's no CATCH, you dipstick, she's in fucking love. She's spent this last month mooning over you, hopin' to god that you were alright. One of those stupid fucking clones was found and we THOUGHT it was you, it went psycho and committed suicide and we were ALL devastated but Rogue was heartbroken…you're here, can you BLAME her for wanting to be with you again?"
Remy looked at Kitty, "If I stay here, I'm going to go crazy…I'm not stable…and I'm not ready for a relationship…and…are my clones as crazy as I am?" he asked completely out of the blue. "No…I need to get out of here…really…before everything goes kaput…it'll be better for me and her…"
Kitty shook her head, "I can't believe you're running again…"
"What are you talking about?"
"You RAN like a scared kid when the accident with that stupid Jared happened…and now you're intent on running away again…I thought you were just a little braver than that."