Chapter Five

It was almost time for his guided meditation. Qui-Gon straightened his tunics self-consciously. Meditation had always been a comfort to him, a way to open himself fully to the will of the Force. Now . . . it was as if he was killing off part of himself in order to comply with directions being given to him. He knew the importance of obedience, but it seemed as if they wanted unquestioning, blind obedience from him. How could he honestly say that he would ignore what the Force urged him to do if the Council told him to do otherwise? Honest or not, he better be able to say just that. And do it too, for at least the next year. Otherwise, he would need to find himself a new profession.

Mace entered Qui-Gon's room and stared at the other knight. He had rings under his eyes and looked like he hadn't slept since the last time Mace had seen him, which was two days ago. He paused, concerned as he looked at him. "Qui-Gon? Are you alright?"

"I'm fine, Mace," replying to his friend's informality with his own. "So you get to be on guard duty again. You're the first repeat I've had."

Mace glanced at Qui-Gon and frowned deeply. "When was the last time you slept?"

"I slept last night." Qui-Gon didn't add that it was only for a few hours, before nightmares had awoken him.

"It's the nightmares that keep you from resting," Mace stated. It wasn't a question. The shared meditations required the lowering of the outer layers of metal shielding. It had been debated among those who had been assigned to oversee Qui-Gon whether to address this problem in the daily meditation sessions. However, it had been decided that it was something Qui-Gon should be given the opportunity to deal with himself, first.

"Jedi don't have nightmares. I'm fine, Master Windu. Are you ready to begin our meditation? What will be the subject of today's focus? Obedience to the Council or following the letter of the Code?" Qui-Gon knelt on the mats he had laid out in the middle of the room. He had no desire to discussion his dreams with anyone, even his old friend. His nightmares were constant reminders of his failures, his mind replaying in vivid detail Jayla's kidnapping and Kyran's anger. All the worst possible outcomes of each of his miscalculations were played out, Jayla being killed, Kyran being killed when he returned for Qui-Gon, himself expelled from the Order. One of the subjects of his nightmares seemed very likely to still occur, that of the end of his and Kyran's friendship. Qui-Gon had done the unforgivable in allowing Jayla to come to harm, then while trying to make up for that failure, only estranging himself further from Kyran.

And then there was the tension of his confinement. He couldn't properly exercise in the small rooms. He couldn't sleep. He missed the life filled gardens. Only meditation gave him some measure of serenity. Except of course, when guided into it by whatever Council member was assigned to him. Then there was the stress of forcing himself not to argue with their hidebound ideals of strict obedience, of unquestioning compliance to the letter of the Code. But he would do it. If that was what was required of him to remain a Jedi, he would do it.

Mace studied his friend carefully. He agreed that Qui-Gon had to be punished for his actions. However, was he learning the lessons that the Council hoped he would, or was this just pushing him further into rebellion? The problem was not that Qui-Gon actively sought to defy the Council, but rather that he could not seem to accept that his way was not the only way. "Submission, I think."

Mace knelt across from Qui-Gon, opening his mind to the other. "Think of water...clear your mind. Water takes the path of least resistance...yet it can carve out powerful landscapes with rivers. The Jedi submit themselves to the Force and because we adhere to it, we are granted special abilities. Submission is a Jedi's strength not his enemy. Submit to things you cannot control or change. No one person can help everyone. Your negative feelings are caused by your fear your doubts... what might have beens.... frustration.. These thoughts lead to the dark side and it does not do well to dwell on them. Banish them from your thoughts..

Mace breathed in deeply. "The Dark Side seeks to dominate all light. The dark side does not submit to anyone or anything. The light side submits and will triumph."

At the first mention of the focus of the meditation, Qui-Gon had stiffened. Submission to the Council's will, of course that was the next logical lesson for the rebellious one to learn. Then Mace had begun to speak. With a deep feeling of gratitude, Qui-Gon sank into this meditation. Submission to the Force was one of his most basic beliefs, from which all his others grew. Like the water Mace had used as the starting image, Qui-Gon flowed deeper into the meditation, accepting for the first time since his 'rehabilitation' had begun the rightness of the lesson before him. The peace that had eluded him since Jayla's abduction now filled him. He relaxed further, his focus sharpening.

Several hours later Mace finally stood and stretched. His legs were a bit cramped from sitting in the same position for too long. He glanced at his friend. He seemed to be a good bit calmer than he had at the beginning of their session. "I have some news for you that I thought you might like to hear."

"The Council has rethought its decision," the tone was light, half-joking, but there was an element of seriousness.

Mace half-smiled. "Not hardly, my friend. Jayla will be released from the Healers at the end of this week."

"She's doing well?" Qui-Gon leaned forward, eager to hear how the girl was doing. Any other time he had inquired after her, the result had been assigned meditation on patience, in addition to the other three hours of guided meditation.

"Yes she is just fine aside from being bored stuck in the healer's." Mace grinned. "Kyran threatened her with astrophysics and she got over her boredom."

"She must be getting better then." Qui-Gon hesitated a moment, then haltingly asked, "And Kyran?"

Mace sighed deeply and put a hand on Qui-Gon's arm. "He'll be alright in time."

"He hasn't forgiven me." The peace he had found in meditation evaporated.

"He does not hold you responsible for Jayla's abduction. But he does hold you responsible for the impulsive decisions that you made afterwards. That is what he hasn't forgiven."

Qui-Gon closed his eyes briefly against the frustration that flared within him. How could Kyran not understand why he had acted as he did? "Thank you for telling me about Jayla, Master Windu," Qui-Gon said his voice inflectionless. "And for the meditation."

"You are most welcome. Qui-Gon, the Force will see to it that things work out. Remember submission. Accept what the Force gives and what it takes."

***

Qui-Gon knelt in the center of his living room. During the days of his confinement it seemed that he had spent more time in meditation each day than ever before in his life. It wasn't just the times he was assigned, however, that found him kneeling on the mat in the middle of his living room.

His dreams were plagued with constant nightmares and reminders of things that could have gone dreadfully wrong when he'd interfered in Jayla's rescue. He barely slept more than a few hours before he awoke, feeling worse than when he had gone to sleep. Meditation had become more restful than his sleep. It was a way he could be obedient to the Council and escape his nightmares at the same time.

His confinement was due to end within a day and he was anxious for it to end. However he thought wryly, that if he appeared too anxious it was very likely to be extended and more patience meditations assigned.

Thus the dawn's light found Qui-Gon on one of the meditation mats, trying to dispel his anxiousness into the Force. Today it was harder than usual, because he knew that a Council member would be by that day to release him. The first thing to do when he was released was go immediately to Kyran. He had to give him his apology in person. Perhaps if he explained then maybe his friend would be more understanding.

However he knew he had to get hold of his anxiety or the Council member arriving to release him might decide that Qui-Gon had not yet learned the lesson the Council sought to ram down his. . . to teach. He didn't want that. He was going stir-crazy already from being confined for so long. He longed to go to the gardens, take a pleasant stroll and to the gym for a hard work out to relieve the stress of not being able to move around.

The chime to his door sounded

At Qui-Gon's acknowledgement, Yoda entered the room. "Final guided meditation today will be. Free to leave your rooms, today you are. Learned anything have you?"

Qui-Gon bowed his head in respect to the small councilor as he returned to his place on meditation mat. Yoda knelt across him, looking expectant. In a flat, subdued voice he said, "Yes Master. I was wrong to interfere. I should have stayed and done as I was ordered."

Yoda's eyes narrowed. After several long moments he shook his head. "Think that fooled I would be by that? Admit you do that many rules you broke, that punishment for that is deserved. But still believe you do that correct path you took. Hmmmrph. But obey the commands of the Council you have promised. Perhaps though outward actions will eventually become true habits."

Qui-Gon's heart rebelled at the thought of blindly following orders but he ruthlessly crushed his emotions knowing that he was on dangerous territory if he didn't do exactly what the Council wanted this year. "Yes Master. " He replied softly. "What shall be the focus of our meditation this afternoon?"

"Troubled you are, about more than the difficulties created by your disobedience. Disrupted you sleep has been, for too long, my Padawan's padawan."

Qui-Gon didn't deny it, although with most of the other Councilors he would have downplayed his restless sleep. He knew he could not hide his dreams from Yoda. "Yes master. They have been." He quietly acknowledged.

"Release you fears, you must. Guilt also must go. Both can lead to Darkness. Accept what is past, learn from it, and move on you must."

"Meditate on the moment, we shall. Release your tensions into the Force you will. Mindful you should be of the future, but fear it not. Center not on anxieties. Accept what is without challenge of what should be."

It was a basic serenity mediation, but comforting. Time, which not so long before Qui-Gon had been tracking almost obsessively, became without meaning. He and Yoda meditated together in an infinite now. Each thought and emotion that appeared in their minds was acknowledged then dismissed.

When Yoda finally ended the session, Qui-Gon felt at peace. He smoothly stood and stretched. The path the Council had set at his feet would be difficult for him to follow, but he would do. Somehow he would find a way to balance his need to do what he believed the Force guided him to do and conform to the directives of the Council at the same time. Perhaps it wasn't exactly the conclusions that Yoda had hoped he would make, but it felt right. Furthermore, he would find a way to make things right with Kyran.

"I thank you for the meditation session, Master Yoda."

Yoda shook his head, easily sensing the conclusions Qui-Gon had reached. It was, he supposed, the most to be hoped for from the freethinking young knight. "At least now willing you are to consider that Council may know a thing or two, hmmmmm."

Qui-Gon shot Yoda a look, then he grinned slightly. "Perhaps a thing or two. From a certain point of view."

Heading towards the door, Yoda chuckled. "Spar with me later, you will. Remind you it may of other things that an old Councilor might know. For now, another you would like to see, I think."

Qui-Gon nodded in gratitude. He was truly grateful to be let out of his room. For now he had to find Kyran and talk to him. He sighed deeply as Yoda left the door to his room open and he headed eagerly across the corridor to Kyran's room....