Kara came awake slowly, with a fuzzy feeling of something being both out of place, and completely as it should be. She rubbed her face against its warm, smooth pillow and her eyes few open.
Again.
It had happened again. Memories of the previous night came back to her in force, and she didn't know whether to be embarrassed or disgusted with herself. Frak, she had even started it this time. She couldn't blame Lee for taking her up on the offer she'd made. He was a man, after all, and most men weren't dumb enough to turn down a blatant pass. She had certainly thrown that, and she couldn't think of a graceful way out of the situation, either.
"Morning," he said softly.
Oh shit. At the very least he could have been soundly sleeping so that if her escape wasn't graceful it could at least go unobserved. No such luck, it appeared. She was going to have to face him, even if the morning light wasn't bright at all.
Only one thought gave her any hope in the situation. She had to be on duty. Pushing abruptly off his chest, she landed an elbow in his ribs and winced at his grunt. She managed to tap the button on the side of her watch, and saw that she had almost an hour before she had to be on the deck. With a sigh of relief, she pushed herself off to the side and started reaching for her clothes.
"Not a good morning?" he asked in an odd voice.
"Gonna be late to work," she muttered. "That tends to get me into trouble. The CAG will have my ass."
"Just about the only part I didn't have," he remarked, and she could hear the smile in his voice. Oh, shit. Oh, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit!
"Yeah, well… um… don't count on getting a replay," she remarked as her bottom left the cold metal flooring and she shifted to one knee.
"Kara, is something wrong?" he asked, and he actually sounded worried. Great. Now not only was she a slut, but she was an inconsiderate slut. Was that even worse?
"Nothing's wrong. We're consenting adults, and everything we did was legal. I think. Or it would have been if you weren't my boss, and I wasn't in enough trouble with the brass on a regular basis to keep me from ever seeing my next promotion. All I need now is a few accusations of sleeping my way up the ranks, and that'll be it for my career, my wings, and probably my sanity."
"Kara, slow down," he said, placing a hand on her arm. She had just enough control not to slap it away. "Last night didn't have a damn thing to do with anyone except you and me, and maybe getting through the night for a change. It's not something I'm going to broadcast."
"Thank the Lords for that," she muttered. Where the frak were her pants?
"What the hell is wrong?" he asked, and his voice was rising. Good. She'd take him mad over condescending any day of the week.
"Look, I took enough shit over sleeping with a Commander's son before," she remarked. "I'm a trouble maker, and people look at that differently. And Zak wasn't even above me in rank. This would be… don't you get it? You're not a commander's son, you're the Commander's son. And you're CAG on top of it. Just think for one frakking minute about how much trouble I'd be in if anyone found out."
She heard Lee take a deep breath, and let it out in a controlled stream. Great. He was pissed. At least he would fight her, and maybe this would be the last time he'd let her…
"I'm going to pretend you didn't just insult my brother, and for that matter my friend. I want you to explain what the hell happened between last night and now? When this happened before you didn't…"
"Panic? Yeah, well there's a simple reason for that. Once is an accident, Lee. Once is a mistake. But twice is… something else. It's a pattern. And it's worse because this time I…"
"You started it," he said softly.
"Yeah."
"Kara, I'm a big boy. If I hadn't wanted it – hell, needed it – I could have said no."
"Right, like you'd need me," she muttered as she fumbled with the belt that wouldn't latch correctly. She had to get out of here. If she didn't, she was going to come apart. She knew it. And if he didn't put some clothes on, she wasn't going to leave. "Your shirt's over there," she said with a gesture. Lords, let him take the hint.
Thankfully he did, but she couldn't read the expression on his face as he did so, and she didn't know if that was because of the lack of light or if he was just being inscrutable for a change. Normally she could read him pretty easily, but this wasn't a usual situation.
So they finished dressing in silence, and as she was tying the lace on her second shoe, he sat down next to her wearing everything but his boots. "Kara, slow down," he requested, and the gentleness in his voice edged into her heart. "I want to talk to you for a minute."
"I'll be late to work," she muttered, and resolutely refused to look at him.
"Kara?" His hand was on her cheek, tilting her face up towards him, and his eyes were… hurt. Oh, god, she'd hurt him. She hadn't meant that; not really.
She took a deep breath and tried to steady her racing heart and her shaking voice. "Lee, this can't happen," she told him softly. "It's way too complicated, and it's way too screwed up. There's too much to lose, and as great as the sex is, it's just not worth that."
"What will you lose?" he asked.
"Respect," she began. "Not just the squadron's, because sleeping with the CAG is a sure way to prove you're easy, but also your father's. He'll think I'm… I don't know. But he won't approve; I'm sure of it. And Tigh already hates me, which I don't really care about, but he has the power to ground me if he wants, and for some stupid reason your father values his opionion. There isn't much left in the world for me. I have my job, my plane, and just a few friends. You're one of them, and this would totally screw up any chance we'd have of staying friends."
"Why do you say that?" He didn't sound mad, or even hurt, but rather curious. She answered in kind.
"Because friendships don't survive sex," she said. "Trust me, I've been there. You sleep with a guy, and then that's all they want. There's no talking, no cuddling, no going out to do stuff. Once you sleep with them, the friendship dissolves. That's just how it is."
"Was it like that with Zak?" Lee asked.
"I'm not going to answer that," she told him. "Not because it's true, or it's not true, but because he was your brother and that's information you don't need either way. If I say yes, you'll be mad at Zak. If I say no, you'll probably be mad at me. So just… don't ask."
"Okay, I won't ask. I'll just assume you're lumping me in with every other guy you've slept with and that I'm an asshole without possibility of redemption. That sound about right?"
Kara pulled away and closed her eyes. "This is what I meant," she said softly. "You're pissed. It was bound to happen. Look, I'm sorry if I led you on or anything, but the world is just too messed up for me to be looking for a relationship. You're a good friend, and I want to stay your friend. Trust me when I say that can't happen if I'm sleeping with you on the side."
Lee sighed. "Kara, it was twice," he told her. "That hardly constitutes a pattern."
"You're not thinking," she snapped. "If I sleep with you, then I'm either putting out for the CAG alone, and I'm too good for anyone else, or else I'm obligated to be fair game for everyone else. Lee, I've made it a point not to sleep with anyone I work with. I screwed that up, and this sets a… precedent that can't be good."
Lee shook his head, and the hurt look was returning. She had to get out of there. "You were a good friend," he told her. "That's all. Maybe it got a little… out of hand. But I'm not sorry. I wish I could be, because this has you so damned upset, but I'm just not. I enjoyed being with you, and I hope you liked it too."
"What I like – or want – isn't the issue. On a starship there are certain things that just don't happen, and this is one of them. Lords, I wasn't thinking. I was tired, and everything was so muddled, and I just wasn't thinking. I'm sorry, Lee. This isn't fair to you, and I know you have to be mad, but this just can't work. It can't."
"Kara, I'm not proposing," he said in exasperation. "I was thanking you for a pretty special night. That's all. If you don't want it to happen again, it won't. If you don't want anyone to know, then they won't. Frak, I'm not going to stand on the high-lift and announce to the crew that I've slept with the almighty Starbuck. I… care about you too much to do that."
Kara took a deep, jerky breath. "I appreciate that. Now, if you want to do something, I suggest you start forgetting. This won't happen again, Lee. It can't. I won't let it."
"I won't force you," he said bluntly. "I'm not that desperate."
He was taking this all wrong. It didn't surprise her; she was saying this all wrong. "You'd never force anyone," she granted. "You wouldn't have to. But Lee, I mean it. This can't happen again."
"I'm not entirely sure why it happened the first time," he muttered. "Or the second. But I'd be lying if I said that I was sorry. Whatever the consequences, I needed you. I really think you needed someone, too. Hell, maybe you didn't need me, but you needed… someone. I'm not sorry I was in the right place at the right time."
"I'm not exactly sorry," she admitted. "But I am scared. Lords, Lee, all I have left is my career. That's all. This would… do you even realize what this would do to my chances at ever getting beyond lieutenant? Hell, I might even lose my commission over sleeping with a superior officer. I know I'm a troublemaker, but there are some kinds of trouble that even I know to stay away from. This is one of them."
"Fine," he said softly. His voice held no emotion, and he wasn't looking at her. She felt like she'd kicked a puppy or something.
"Lee, this was just sex. Right?"
There was a long pause before he agreed. "Just sex," he echoed. "And unplanned at that. One of those things. Don't worry, it won't happen again."
His voice was flat, nearly lifeless. She wanted to know what he was thinking, but she'd just given away all her right to ask. One thing couldn't be ignored, however. She had to know. "Are we still friends?"
After a long moment, he looked up at her. His eyes were shadowed at this angle, unreadable. "Friends," he told her in the same flat voice. "We always have been."
"And always will be?" she pressed, wondering why it was so important for her to hear the words, but needing it just the same.
"For as long as you want," he said, and she decided that had to be good enough for now.
"I'm sorry," she told him, although she wasn't sure what she was apologizing for.
"Why?"
Leave it to Lee to find the chink. "I don't know," she admitted. "I feel like I've screwed something up by trying to fix it. I just don't know what to do about it."
Lee finally had his boots tied, so he stood up and reached a hand down to her. As she took his hand and let him pull her up, she couldn't miss the warm strength there, or the way he held on just a little longer than was strictly necessary to get her upright. "I won't lie to you," he said softly, and he was still holding onto her hand. "I don't understand what the hell you're so upset about. But you are upset, and I'll respect that, even without understanding. It's what friends do, Kara. They give one another time, and space, when it's needed. But I want you to know something. I won't stop being your friend just because you're upset with me. And I won't stop being your boss, either. I won't take your wings, or put you on a lousy duty, or any of the other spiteful things that I could probably get away with. It's not professional, it's not responsible, and it's not being a friend."
"Thanks," she muttered, because she believed him. She had known that even this wouldn't turn him against her. She'd been counting on it.
"But don't get me wrong," he warned. "I'm not letting go of this. And no, it doesn't have a damned thing to do with sleeping with you. Sex is good, but friendship is a hell of a lot more important. I'm not going to let you back away from me. If you need something, you have to tell me. If I screw up, you need to let me know. I can't read your mind. Hell, I can't even understand your mind at the moment. But I'm doing my best to respect whatever the hell it is that you need."
She just nodded. What could she say to that?
"You're on duty in…" He looked at his watch. "Forty-five minutes. I suggest you grab something to eat before you go. I'll be on the deck, so if you're a few minutes late, don't sweat it. I'd rather you eat than be on time."
"So I get special treatment, now?" she asked, not knowing how to take that.
"You're the best pilot in the fleet," he told her with a grin and a squeeze to her hand. "You've always had special treatment. Otherwise your bunk would be permanently placed in the brig. Even my dad cuts you breaks when you get out of line, and don't tell me you haven't noticed."
"Your dad is a nice guy," she said noncommittally.
"I'm hoping you think I am too," he admitted wryly. "Get something to eat, grab a shower, and then be on the deck ASAP. The rest… hell, I don't know what to do with the rest, but we'll figure it out."
"Thanks," she muttered, and she was more than a little surprised at how near she was to tears.
"You're welcome," he said simply.
And Lee was true to his word. Aside from the course of duty, they rarely saw one another and even more rarely spoke. He still gave her orders for what had to get done, and she still reported on what was happening and what her team needed, but beyond that their communication was minimal. It was just what she had requested.
It grated on her nerves, terribly.
But Lee hadn't said a word, and no one had been insinuating anything. Quarters still wasn't full, so her absence those couple of nights remained uncontested, and she hadn't had to answer any questions that were uncomfortable. In general, it was exactly what she had wanted, and far more than she had hoped for.
But it had its downside. Staying clear of Lee meant that she couldn't go to him with things that were nagging her or joke with him when she needed a break. She had set the rules, and all he was doing was abiding by them… she had to live with the consequences.
And the greatest consequence was that she still couldn't sleep. She had fought with insomnia more than once at the Academy, and occasionally after Zak's death, but this had been the longest bout in memory. She might get one or two hours of sleep in a night, but that was a generous estimation. The result was that she was even more snappish than she'd been before, and even the personnel who liked her were staying pretty clear. She saw herself as unreasonable, but she couldn't seem to do anything about it. Her rationality was suffering, and she was actually grateful that patrols had come down to nothing and she wasn't in danger of crashing or something due to her inability to concentrate. So far she hadn't managed any big mistakes, but she knew it was just a matter of time.
And she was miserable. She still talked to Sharon on occasion, and sometimes to one or two of the Specialists, but those who knew her well were gone, and she wasn't in a race to meet and become reliant on anyone else. She had lost enough; she wasn't looking to lose any more.
And she was hurting. Kara could recognize depression even if she hadn't experienced it in the past. She was miserable, she was tired, and she was indifferent to most everything. It didn't mean that she was suicidal or stupid, but she could tell that she was… off. She stayed clear of the Commander, because he was probably one of the few that would see that something was really wrong, but no one else really knew her well enough to question her withdrawal. She worked, she lay on her bed at night, and she ran every morning to try to exorcise the ghosts that were making her miserable. She ate her meals by rote, she did her work by habit, and she prayed that her distraction wouldn't get anyone killed. Personally, she hoped that this was all a result of sleep deprivation, but she couldn't be sure. She had never been this bad before.
But aside from going to her CAG – something she wouldn't do under any circumstances – she was pretty well stuck. So she kept plodding ahead, one task after another, living by rote, and hoping things would get better. And if some nights she lay staring at the ceiling wishing for strong arms around her and Lee's weight above her, she tried not to dwell on it. She tried not to, but most nights she still did.