Fox: Hey, Campbell, I just thought of something.
Campbell: Huh? Sorry, I musta dosed off.
Fox: Uh, yeah. Anyway, what I was wondering is don't we need to put a disclaimer on this stuff? Y'know, a "we-don't-own-Metal-Gear-please-don't- sue-us," or something like that.
Campbell: Don't ask me. I haven't taken my tablets yet.
Fox: I'm gonna talk to Chicken Fox. Cover for me.
Campbell: Sure. Don't forget my ice cream.
(Fox gets up and leaves)
Campbell: Anyway, coming up next Buffy and Raziel take on Blade and Kain. This is sure to be one hell of a fight. Commentating with me will be Deadcell member Vamp. Vamp, glad to have you here.
Vamp: Yeah, Queen. It's an honour.
Campbell: I'd appreciate it if you didn't call me "Queen."
Vamp: Sorry. It's just that you look so sexy tonight. I really love a man in uniform.
Campbell: (rather flustered) Err, ah, I say, what will Fortune think if she finds out?
Vamp: She won't mind. She knows that I need to satisfy both sides of my sexual tendency.
Campbell: Do you mean that you're bisexual?
Vamp: Didn't you know?
Campbell: Err... no, I don't think it was covered in the game...
Vamp: (sighs) Just after you meet me, keep on codecing Pliskin until he talks about me. Eventually he will tell you that I went out with Fortune's dad.
Campbell: That is sick. Really sick.
Vamp: Hey, I can't help it.
Campbell: There's no such thing as bisexual. It's just greedy.
(Chicken Fox, or any member of ChickenFox Productions does not share the shortsighted and bigoted views of Colonel Roy Campbell. However, Tofer v1.0 is very bigoted. He thinks all men should be gay, and anyone who isn't should be killed in death camps.)
Tofer (from crowd): Tortured, then killed! Get it right!
Campbell: Hey, wasn't that one just then?
Vamp: A bisexual?
Campbell: No, a legal disclaimer. You know, so we won't get sued?
Vamp: (makes noise that vaguely sounds like "I dunno," while shrugging shoulders)
Campbell: Anyway, I think the fight is coming up next. Who's your pick?
Vamp: Well, I kinda fancy Blade's side, because that's got more vampire in it. However, Buffy is also sort of sexy. It's a tough one to call.
Campbell: No, I mean who do you think is gonna win?
Vamp: So do I.
Campbell: Well, that's all cleared up then. I think our combatants are in the ring. We'll hand you over to referee Mills Lane.
Mills: Now, I want a real dirty show, full of mud wrestling and/or foxy boxing. But we don't always get what we want, so just knock yourselves out.
Campbell: Is it just me, or is Mills just not trying tonight?
Vamp: I bet he'd try hard for me. Mmmm.
Campbell: Where'd that guy go with my ice cream?
Buffy: Hey Blade, why are you protecting Kain? Just let me stake him!
Blade: Haven't you seen my new movie? I worked with vampires and fell in love with one. I've learned to like 'em.
Kain: Yeah, you stuck up bitch. Baldies' on my side.
Raziel: Shut it, you bastard. I've been waiting years to get my hands on you. I'm gonna tear you a new bum hole.
Kain: Aw, and I thought I was the wind beneath your wings!
Raziel: You are gonna pay for that! Do you know how much that hurt?
Blade: You're not even worth slaying. You don't suck blood, you just suck.
Buffy: That's uncalled for! He is worth slaying, and I'll kill him right after we win this fight!
Campbell: Buffy doing a great job of installing confidence in her team.
Raziel: Yeah! So there!
Mills: Are you guys gonna get it on or what?
Buffy: You dirty old man!
(Buffy kicks Lane in the face, sending him sprawling to the floor.)
Raziel: I think he meant that we should start fighting.
Buffy: Oh, okay.
(Buffy kicks Raziel in the face)
Kain: Let's just get the dumb bitch.
(Kain runs towards Buffy, but she spin kicks him and slams his head into the turnbuckle post)
Campbell: And this fight is definitely underway.
(Buffy jumps on Kain and lands lefts and rights in his face repeatedly)
Campbell: Mounted punching manoeuvre there from the Sunnydale Slayer.
Vamp: She could do that on me anytime.
Campbell: How about you shut up?
(Kain pushes Buffy off and then crawls over to his corner, tagging in Blade)
Campbell: Wow! The fight that everyone has waited to see!
(The fans anticipate the upcoming action with baited breath. The two slayers stare each other down before unleashing an incredible array of tae- kwon-do moves on each other and basically creating an amazing fight scene that is far too good for me to describe at this hour of the night. You'll just have to imagine it)
Campbell: That was just like that film...you know, that one where they do loads of crazy stunts...The Matrix, that's what I meant. The Matrix.
Vamp: Your finger is obviously a little too far from the pulse tonight.
Campbell: (Silence for a few seconds) At least I've got a pulse! Whadda think about that?
Vamp: Quick, Roy. Real quick. That really hit me deep.
(Blade smacks Buffy to the floor. She goes and tags in Raziel.)
Raziel: Your soul is mine, Daywalker!
Blade: No! I like these shoes!
Buffy: Dumbass.
(Raziel smacks Blade so hard that he ends up outside the ring.)
Kain: Come on, Blade! We need to win this! Stop fooling around!
Blade: Whuzzat? Huh? I'm up...
Kain: If you want something done right...
(Kain rips the ring post out of the squared circle.)
Raziel: Oh, shit.
(Kain throws it like a spear at Raziel. It pierces his body through what's left of his stomach)
Kain: Oh yeah!
Buffy: You're gonna pay for that!
(Buffy punches Kain and pulls out a stake.)
Buffy: Say hello to Mr Pointy.
Kain: Just what I was going to say!
(He bites her hard on the leg)
Buffy: Argh! You bastard!
(She stakes him through the heart)
Kain: Ow.
(He disappears. Buffy proceeds to go beserk on Blade)
Buffy: Arrrrrrggghhhhh!!!!!!
Campbell: She's having a hissy fit.
Vamp: A tantrum in the hands of a slayer can have serious consequences for everyone else.
(Buffy grabs Blade's blade. Spikes shoot through her hand from the handle. She seems not to notice. She Cuts Blade's head clean off)
Campbell: I guess Buffy is the winner...
(Buffy runs at Raziel and rips his head off with her bear hands. She proceeds to eat the head.)
Campbell: Someone call security! Buffy's gone mad!
(Buffy picks up Blade's head and shoves it down her throat)
Campbell: On second thoughts, guys, maybe we should just leave her to calm down a touch.
(Security back away in fear from the raging monster in the ring)
Vamp: Waitaminute! Who is that hunk?
(Angel steps into the ring and tries to calm her down)
Campbell: Hold on, he's never had his own game.
Angel: Just cool it, Buff. We can sort this out.
(Buffy's heart immediately melts. She runs over to Angel, arms outstretched)
Angel: Come give me a hug!
(At the last second, Angel shoves his sword through Buffy's chest. She is dead. He wipes the sweat from his head and says...)
Angel: And the world is safe again.
Vamp: Yoohoo, big boy!
(Angel looks up and sees Vamp)
Angel: Where have you been all my life?
(They kiss, and stroll off together)
Campbell: That is just messed up.
Campbell: Huh? Sorry, I musta dosed off.
Fox: Uh, yeah. Anyway, what I was wondering is don't we need to put a disclaimer on this stuff? Y'know, a "we-don't-own-Metal-Gear-please-don't- sue-us," or something like that.
Campbell: Don't ask me. I haven't taken my tablets yet.
Fox: I'm gonna talk to Chicken Fox. Cover for me.
Campbell: Sure. Don't forget my ice cream.
(Fox gets up and leaves)
Campbell: Anyway, coming up next Buffy and Raziel take on Blade and Kain. This is sure to be one hell of a fight. Commentating with me will be Deadcell member Vamp. Vamp, glad to have you here.
Vamp: Yeah, Queen. It's an honour.
Campbell: I'd appreciate it if you didn't call me "Queen."
Vamp: Sorry. It's just that you look so sexy tonight. I really love a man in uniform.
Campbell: (rather flustered) Err, ah, I say, what will Fortune think if she finds out?
Vamp: She won't mind. She knows that I need to satisfy both sides of my sexual tendency.
Campbell: Do you mean that you're bisexual?
Vamp: Didn't you know?
Campbell: Err... no, I don't think it was covered in the game...
Vamp: (sighs) Just after you meet me, keep on codecing Pliskin until he talks about me. Eventually he will tell you that I went out with Fortune's dad.
Campbell: That is sick. Really sick.
Vamp: Hey, I can't help it.
Campbell: There's no such thing as bisexual. It's just greedy.
(Chicken Fox, or any member of ChickenFox Productions does not share the shortsighted and bigoted views of Colonel Roy Campbell. However, Tofer v1.0 is very bigoted. He thinks all men should be gay, and anyone who isn't should be killed in death camps.)
Tofer (from crowd): Tortured, then killed! Get it right!
Campbell: Hey, wasn't that one just then?
Vamp: A bisexual?
Campbell: No, a legal disclaimer. You know, so we won't get sued?
Vamp: (makes noise that vaguely sounds like "I dunno," while shrugging shoulders)
Campbell: Anyway, I think the fight is coming up next. Who's your pick?
Vamp: Well, I kinda fancy Blade's side, because that's got more vampire in it. However, Buffy is also sort of sexy. It's a tough one to call.
Campbell: No, I mean who do you think is gonna win?
Vamp: So do I.
Campbell: Well, that's all cleared up then. I think our combatants are in the ring. We'll hand you over to referee Mills Lane.
Mills: Now, I want a real dirty show, full of mud wrestling and/or foxy boxing. But we don't always get what we want, so just knock yourselves out.
Campbell: Is it just me, or is Mills just not trying tonight?
Vamp: I bet he'd try hard for me. Mmmm.
Campbell: Where'd that guy go with my ice cream?
Buffy: Hey Blade, why are you protecting Kain? Just let me stake him!
Blade: Haven't you seen my new movie? I worked with vampires and fell in love with one. I've learned to like 'em.
Kain: Yeah, you stuck up bitch. Baldies' on my side.
Raziel: Shut it, you bastard. I've been waiting years to get my hands on you. I'm gonna tear you a new bum hole.
Kain: Aw, and I thought I was the wind beneath your wings!
Raziel: You are gonna pay for that! Do you know how much that hurt?
Blade: You're not even worth slaying. You don't suck blood, you just suck.
Buffy: That's uncalled for! He is worth slaying, and I'll kill him right after we win this fight!
Campbell: Buffy doing a great job of installing confidence in her team.
Raziel: Yeah! So there!
Mills: Are you guys gonna get it on or what?
Buffy: You dirty old man!
(Buffy kicks Lane in the face, sending him sprawling to the floor.)
Raziel: I think he meant that we should start fighting.
Buffy: Oh, okay.
(Buffy kicks Raziel in the face)
Kain: Let's just get the dumb bitch.
(Kain runs towards Buffy, but she spin kicks him and slams his head into the turnbuckle post)
Campbell: And this fight is definitely underway.
(Buffy jumps on Kain and lands lefts and rights in his face repeatedly)
Campbell: Mounted punching manoeuvre there from the Sunnydale Slayer.
Vamp: She could do that on me anytime.
Campbell: How about you shut up?
(Kain pushes Buffy off and then crawls over to his corner, tagging in Blade)
Campbell: Wow! The fight that everyone has waited to see!
(The fans anticipate the upcoming action with baited breath. The two slayers stare each other down before unleashing an incredible array of tae- kwon-do moves on each other and basically creating an amazing fight scene that is far too good for me to describe at this hour of the night. You'll just have to imagine it)
Campbell: That was just like that film...you know, that one where they do loads of crazy stunts...The Matrix, that's what I meant. The Matrix.
Vamp: Your finger is obviously a little too far from the pulse tonight.
Campbell: (Silence for a few seconds) At least I've got a pulse! Whadda think about that?
Vamp: Quick, Roy. Real quick. That really hit me deep.
(Blade smacks Buffy to the floor. She goes and tags in Raziel.)
Raziel: Your soul is mine, Daywalker!
Blade: No! I like these shoes!
Buffy: Dumbass.
(Raziel smacks Blade so hard that he ends up outside the ring.)
Kain: Come on, Blade! We need to win this! Stop fooling around!
Blade: Whuzzat? Huh? I'm up...
Kain: If you want something done right...
(Kain rips the ring post out of the squared circle.)
Raziel: Oh, shit.
(Kain throws it like a spear at Raziel. It pierces his body through what's left of his stomach)
Kain: Oh yeah!
Buffy: You're gonna pay for that!
(Buffy punches Kain and pulls out a stake.)
Buffy: Say hello to Mr Pointy.
Kain: Just what I was going to say!
(He bites her hard on the leg)
Buffy: Argh! You bastard!
(She stakes him through the heart)
Kain: Ow.
(He disappears. Buffy proceeds to go beserk on Blade)
Buffy: Arrrrrrggghhhhh!!!!!!
Campbell: She's having a hissy fit.
Vamp: A tantrum in the hands of a slayer can have serious consequences for everyone else.
(Buffy grabs Blade's blade. Spikes shoot through her hand from the handle. She seems not to notice. She Cuts Blade's head clean off)
Campbell: I guess Buffy is the winner...
(Buffy runs at Raziel and rips his head off with her bear hands. She proceeds to eat the head.)
Campbell: Someone call security! Buffy's gone mad!
(Buffy picks up Blade's head and shoves it down her throat)
Campbell: On second thoughts, guys, maybe we should just leave her to calm down a touch.
(Security back away in fear from the raging monster in the ring)
Vamp: Waitaminute! Who is that hunk?
(Angel steps into the ring and tries to calm her down)
Campbell: Hold on, he's never had his own game.
Angel: Just cool it, Buff. We can sort this out.
(Buffy's heart immediately melts. She runs over to Angel, arms outstretched)
Angel: Come give me a hug!
(At the last second, Angel shoves his sword through Buffy's chest. She is dead. He wipes the sweat from his head and says...)
Angel: And the world is safe again.
Vamp: Yoohoo, big boy!
(Angel looks up and sees Vamp)
Angel: Where have you been all my life?
(They kiss, and stroll off together)
Campbell: That is just messed up.