Lee closed his eyes and did his best not to explode. One more thing – if even one more thing went wrong, he was going to go completely insane. As it was, he was going to get the frakking part from the frakking storage room and with any luck he'd beat the incompetent Crewman over the head with it. The kid couldn't even follow a simple schematic, and Lee didn't have time to go checking behind everyone on the team. It wasn't even his job. It was the Chief's, wherever the hell he had gone off to.
As Lee reached for the hatch leading to the nearly depleted supply room, he had a strange sensation that he was being watched. Turning to look over his shoulder, he saw one of the Specialists – Cathy, or Carrie, or something like that – coming towards him at a near run. Great. It looked like that one more thing was about to slam into him. He just prayed that he didn't slam into anyone else because of it.
"What?" he asked without preamble. He was too tired to be polite. He hadn't had a full night's sleep since the one spent on the bay floor with Kara. Even then, he hadn't really slept. But he had rested, and that was more than he'd managed in his own bed for the last week and a half. He was tired, he was hungry, and he was sick of shit going wrong.
"Um… Captain Apollo, sir, I… um…"
He rolled his eyes at the stumbling girl. "Spit it out," he said on a sigh.
"I just wondered what you were looking for," she said quickly, gesturing to the room he'd been about to enter. "I mean, I know where stuff is, and I could get it for you if you want."
"I think I can manage to find a tool box if there's one left," he told her with every effort at keeping his irritation out of his voice. She was trying to be helpful. That was nice. It pissed him off, but it was nice.
"Are you sure you don't…"
"I'm sure," he confirmed. "Dismissed."
She looked somewhere between disappointed and wary as she nodded and turned to leave. Kids. Lords, what had he done to inherit such a bunch of rooks?
The hatch wasn't an easy one to manage. It took both hands and all of his weight behind his shoulder to budge the damn thing. He made a mental note to get someone to oil the frakking thing, and then he came to a grinding halt.
There were a few things that Lee could have lived without in his life. The sight of his Flight Chief's bare backside was one of them. It didn't help matters that one of his pilots was equally nude and wrapped around the Chief like… Hell, there wasn't anything he wanted to compare it to. He stood there for a moment in stunned silence, long enough to register the panic on Valerii's face and listen to a few choice words from the Chief, and then Lee turned his back and did his best to stop the blush that was creeping up his face.
He hadn't done a frakking thing wrong! Why was he feeling embarrassed? Probably because he'd seen a lot more than anyone should ever have to of a man that he worked with, but still…
"Tyrol?" he called, still staring at the door he'd thankfully closed behind him as he'd entered the room.
"Sir?"
Lee took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "Ten minutes. Meet me in my office, in ten minutes. Understood?"
"Yes, Sir," the Chief answered.
Lee moved towards the door, oblivious to the fact that he'd come into the room for something. Just before he opened it to make a hasty exit, he called back, "Chief?"
"Sir?"
"Be sure you put some clothes on first," he requested. Then, in the silence that followed, he stepped back out through the hatch and shut it firmly behind him. He took two deep breaths, then one more for good measure, not sure whether to laugh or scream. As something more to go wrong, this certainly wasn't what he'd been looking for, but as a distraction it would do.
What he wanted to do was throw the book at both of them. Facing facts, fraternization was an issue even without the fact that the Chief at least was supposed to be on duty. Lee knew that specifically because he had checked the roster when they'd been short on tools in the first place. He'd hoped that Tyrol would be able to locate something that Lee didn't know about, because if he didn't they were going to be in serious shit in a hurry. There were too few tools to manage the job in the time they had to do it in.
But by the time Lee had managed to scrounge from one repairman what the other had needed, he was calm enough to realize that the only thing that had really been wrong with the situation was that he had walked in on it. If it came down to it, he had been known to fraternize with those directly beneath him – and recently – and the fact that she had been on top of him at the time wasn't the issue. While it had been a passing thought before, realizing that his and Kara's relationship not only broke all conventions but also military law was a sobering thing.
Relationship. Was it even that? Friendship, certainly. He considered her a good friend, and he had even before he'd slept with her. He still did consider her a friend, despite the fact that he'd slept with her. So where did that put him? They weren't a couple; not at all. Outside those two times when they had desperately needed one another, they'd barely spoke more than a few words in the course of duty. And the last time she'd left him, Kara had been pretty clear regarding the fact that she didn't plan for it to happen again. If that realization hurt him with an almost physical pain, then he'd just have to deal with it.
But first, he had to deal with the Chief. Technically, he supposed he should go to Valerii because she was the senior ranking of the two, and as such the one who would be at the greatest career risk if what was happening were to become well known. Or maybe it already was. That little Specialist had sure been trying to keep him out of the storage room for some reason, so it was likely that if their situation wasn't common knowledge it was at least known by some. There were a lot of ways in which Lee was old-fashioned, though, and one of those was that talking to women about sex wasn't his first choice. So he'd talk to the Chief, and hopefully he'd get something straight.
He just wasn't sure what. Hell, how could he ask someone else to do what he hadn't been able to manage – keep his hands in his pockets and his buttons closed? But he'd seen it, and he had to say something. Frak, he really hated this job. He was a pilot; he just wanted to fly.
Lee avoided anyone who looked familiar as he made his way to his office. It was a small cabinet-like space between his bedroom and the main pilots' quarters, and that meant avoiding several people who would no doubt want something else that he couldn't provide. For just the moment, he needed to stay focused. He had to figure out the fair thing to do, and barring that he needed to figure out the best thing to do. He hadn't a clue what either might be.
Moments later he heard a knock on the door. "Come in," he called out, already distracted by the mountain of paperwork that he had hoped to ignore a little longer.
"Sir?"
Lee looked up to find Chief Galen Tyrol – thankfully wearing a full uniform – waiting in his doorway. "Have a seat," he told the man, gesturing to the chair across from him.
The Chief had an expression somewhere between nervous and furious, and Lee didn't have a clue what he was thinking. He decided he needed to find out. "I'd like to explain," the Chief began. Lee didn't let him finish.
"Here it is," Lee said simply. "So far, we have fraternization, failure to report, inappropriate use of a military facility, public display of affection, and probably another fifteen charges that I could come up with if I pulled out the book instead of just rattling it off the top of my head. Correct?"
The Chief's face was a little pink, but whether from anger or embarrassment Lee couldn't be sure. "Correct," he admitted. "But I'd like to…"
"Stop," Lee told him, and although he didn't look like he wanted to, Tyrol followed the order. Rubbing his fingers over tired eyes, Lee muttered. "Damn, I really hate being in charge."
"Sir?"
Lee shook his head and faced the Chief. "The world as we know it has come to an end," he said quietly. "There is no safety, no certainty, and very little joy in our world. We work, we eat, and we try to sleep just so we can get from one day to the next and pray that at some point it gets easier. And if you find someone who makes that task a little more manageable…" His voice trailed off as he thought of Kara, warm and willing and giving. "If someone can make it more manageable, than you're a fool to ignore it because of rank or rules or even propriety."
"Sir?" The Chief was beginning to look more confused than anything else. Lee couldn't blame him. He was feeling that way himself.
"There are rules that can be overlooked," he said simply. "But only if they don't interfere with the course of your duties. While fraternization isn't exactly a military norm, I'm sure given the circumstances that some of the regulations will be waived in favor of maintaining our race. On the other hand, using duty time to… serve more personal interests, will not be tolerated. So I have two recommendations for you, Chief."
With a look of relief, Tyrol asked, "What are they?"
"First, you need to arrange to get together off duty. If you're on opposite shifts, then see me. We'll work something out."
"Yes, Sir. And the second?"
Lee looked at the Chief and finally smiled. He just couldn't be the hard ass that he knew he was supposed to be. "Find a place that's not so… public. There isn't even a lock on that storage room."
"Yes, Sir," Tyrol said again, and this time the relief was clear in his voice.
"Consider this a verbal reprimand if you like," Lee told him. "But I'm not going to write anything down on one condition."
The Chief's eyebrow raised, and he started to look worried. "What's that?"
"I want you to relay this discussion to Lieutenant Valerii," Lee said with every attempt to suppress the smile that seemed to want to slip through. "I really, really don't want to have this conversation with her."
Finally, Tyrol smiled. "I'd be happy to," he admitted. "And… thank you."
Lee shook his head. "The only thing you did wrong was get caught," he told the older man softly. "Just don't let it happen again. There will have to be a formal policy change with regards to fraternization, but until that happens I'd recommend a lot of discretion."
"I'll see to that, Sir."
Lee nodded. "Then if you don't have any questions, you're free to go."
The Chief paused for a long moment, then asked, "About Sharon… I mean, Lieutenant Valerii. Will there be any consequences for her?"
Lee shook his head. "Like I said, all you did wrong was get caught. And actually, she wasn't on duty, so she'd be in less trouble than you would be. Except that she's senior ranking, but under the circumstances I don't think it's an issue. That doesn't mean I want to address this again, but so long as it doesn't affect either of your duties, then what you do on your own time is not my business."
"Thank you, Sir," the Chief said, and Lee had to believe that he'd made the right choice. There would have been no point to pressing charges against two perfectly good troops just because they had needed some time alone together. And if that decision had a more personal basis than he liked to admit, then he wouldn't think about it too strongly.
Twenty minutes after the Chief had left his office, Lee still hadn't managed to make a dent in the paperwork before him. It was one reason that he'd spent the majority of his time on the deck; he didn't have to deal with it if he wasn't here. But having seen it, and the way the pile had grown in recent days, he decided that he had to do something to get it back under control. He wasn't getting far. He had managed to sort things by priority, but he was only half-way through the second pile of about ten. He would be here all night at this rate.
When his door swung open without a knock, he looked up to see a furious Kara glaring at him over the tallest of the piles. "Can I help you?" he asked dryly.
"Sharon just came into quarters in tears," Kara told him angrily. "What in hell did you say to her?"
Lee closed his eyes. Not this. Not now. "Not a word," he said honestly. "I spoke to the Chief, and the situation is under control. That's all you need to know."
"Oh no you don't," she growled, leaning over his desk and sending a pile of paper fluttering to the floor.
"Damn it, Kara, I don't have time for this," he complained, but she wasn't giving in.
"I don't know what you've heard, but…"
"I didn't hear a frakking thing," he told her, his voice matching hers for both anger and frustration. "I saw her and the Chief in the supply room doing… well, what they were doing I really don't want to think about at the moment. But neither was wearing a hell of a lot. You can fill in the blanks for yourself."
Kara's eyes widened, but she didn't speak. That was progress; a speechless Kara was a rare and wonderful thing.
"I talked to the Chief, told him to find someplace where no one – especially senior officers – would walk in on them, and not to do their thing while he was on duty. That's all."
Kara stared at him. "They were…?"
"I think you can figure it out," he muttered, resenting the blush that he felt rising. Why in hell did this one woman have the power to embarrass him?
"And you saw?"
"More than I wanted to, believe me," he told her. "Although at least I got myself turned around in a hurry. They weren't… um… wasting time."
"So that's what Sharon was bawling about," Kara reasoned. "All I could get out of her was that she was going to lose her commission and the Chief would lose a stripe."
Lee shook his head. "I can't afford to lose either a pilot or a crew chief," he said simply. "Even if I could, there's no point. They weren't endangering anyone, and the only thing I could really call them on was that Tyrol was supposed to be on duty." He shrugged and continued, "I told him to see me about changing shifts so that they could… coordinate things."
Lee looked up to see that Kara was still watching him with a confused expression. "I don't understand you," she said softly. "You don't just read the rule book, you live it. I've never known you to consciously allow any violation of regs in your life."
He looked at her in disgust. Did she really think that he had no more feelings than a book of regulations? "Maybe some things are more important than the regs," he told her carefully.
"Like what?"
"Like… having a reason to wake up in the morning," he said quietly. "Kara, we have little enough to live for now. If the two of them have something that… hell, I'm not going to take it away from them."
She stared at him as though he had grown a second head. "I don't understand you."
He shook his head and laughed, but there was no humor in it. "I didn't even know what you thought of me," he told her. "How could you…? Why would you… when you clearly think I'm just an asshole."
"I don't know what I think," Kara admitted. She took the single chair and sat down, resting her elbows on her knees. "I don't know you anymore. I'm not sure I ever did. That… bothers me."
"What don't you know?"
She smiled softly. "Whether or not you care if I think you're an asshole," she said. "Because there was a time you wouldn't have. You had your way, and to hell with anyone who had another idea. You didn't just quote the rulebook, you helped to write it. You couldn't have bent a rule, much less broken one. And now…"
"Now, I'm human?"
"Well, yeah," she said with a bigger smile. "Or maybe you're just willing to admit you're human."
"Kara, the rules just don't apply to anything anymore," he said with resignation. "Sometimes I wonder if they ever did. It used to be us and them – the military and the civilians – and we were the… elite. We had to be a step above, an example. It was a responsibility. Now there's not a lot left of either of us. We can't apply the old standards to a new world; it won't work. So we're rewriting the rule book as we go. When we find something that doesn't work, we have to change it. I'm not exactly sure how to go about doing that, but I know it can't be done if we hold ourselves to standards that don't make sense anymore. The world is over; now we just have to find a reason to survive without it."
"Or make a new one?" she suggest it.
He shrugged. "I don't know how to do that either. But I'm willing to learn."
She watched him for a moment longer, and then she asked, "Does this have anything to do with… what we…?"
"Probably," he admitted. "I can't ask others to do something I can't," he decided with another shrug.
"What can't you do?"
He watched her for a moment, weighing his words. "Live without a reason," he finally said. "Everyone needs someone, or something to live for. That includes me."
"And what do you live for?" she asked softly, her eyes locked on his.
He watched her. He hadn't had the chance to do that much lately. They had been on opposite shifts as often as he could manage it, if for no other reason than to comply with her wishes and keep him from being tempted. So long as one of them was working, he didn't have to worry about running into her in a quiet, dark place where no one would watch them. He didn't have to worry about his asking, and her turning him down. He didn't have to worry about whether they might have had more than just fast sex in a dark room.
"Do you even know?" she asked.
"Not today," he admitted. "But maybe I'll figure it out at some point. How about you? What keeps you waking up every morning?"
She watched in for a long moment, and he thought her eyes looked awfully moist, but she didn't cry. Still, every drop of life seemed to drain out of her, and when she spoke, her voice was flat and dull. "I don't sleep," she said quietly. "If you don't sleep, then you don't have to wake up."
And he had known that. It was there in the bags and bruises beneath her eyes, and in the slump of her posture. He saw now what he hadn't seen when she'd charged into his office, nor had he seen it when she sat down. But now, she was vulnerable. It was the moment he'd been trying to avoid, and now all he could do was decide how he would handle it.
He stood slowly, and rounded his desk. He knelt down to watch her for a long moment more, giving her every opportunity to back away, to leave, or to tell him to go take a flying leap into space. She did nothing of the sort. She just sat there, exhausted and dazed. "Come with me?" he asked softly.
She was slow to respond, but as he stood and tugged her hand, she followed him past his desk and through the hatchway into the small bedroom that he'd finally managed to clean out a few nights before, when he hadn't been able to sleep any more than she could. The bed was in a corner, and freshly made. He pulled her in that direction, sat down, and then pulled her after him.
It was harder than he'd thought it would be, because she wasn't exactly cooperative. She wasn't resisting, but she was just so out-of-it that she wasn't helping. He finally managed to get her lying down by getting on the bed himself and pulling her with him, but then he found himself behind her and climbing back over her seemed to be too much effort. Instead, he put an arm around her and tugged her up against him, fully clothed and barely awake.
"Go to sleep," he told her gently. "I'll be here when you wake up."
She didn't answer, but she did as he said.