(You are in a large white room. On the walls there is TV screen after TV screen, all portraying past moments from your life. Just look at you up there. Look how cute you were! And how fucking ugly you are now. Jesus, you've gotten so fat. Anyway, sitting in front of you is me. Because you don't know what I look like, just imagine me in a white dinner suit with a silver beard. Can you picture me? There I am.)
Chicken Fox: Hello there. I hope you're enjoying the show so far. However, I know you aren't. It's been a long time since I updated Deathmatch. Too long, for some. For others, this has come too soon.
Let me explain. The last few chapters were an utter and complete mess. The author insertion had reached levels that not even Doko achieved with his "What Would They Do For A Klondike Bar?" fic.
...
I tell ya what I'd do for a Klondike bar: ban that piece of shit from this site forever. In fact, I'd do it for free. And then I'd...
Off-screen voice: Ahem!
Chicken Fox: Oh yeah. Anyway, while I was indulging in author insertion, I also went on a huge power trip, firing commentators and even putting myself in a match. I could tell you that there was a method to my madness and it was eventually leading somewhere, but you wouldn't believe me. So I'll just ask you to forget all the nonsense that went on there and treat the following with an open mind.
Now, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking "Damn, I wish I hadn't eaten all that Fruit and Fibre for breakfast." However, if your mind was fully on task you'd be thinking, "hey asshole, isn't this all just author insertion too? Man, you're so stupid. I laugh at your meagre attempts at writing." And you'd be right. So, I'm making this the last chapter I'll be involved with. And to prove it, here's the contract:
--
CHICKEN FOX PRODUCTIONS AND ALLIED FANFIC READERS
I, Chicken Fox, hereby promise never to insert myself into a fan fiction story ever again, be it Drama, Action/Adventure, Horror, Humour, Poetry or any other genre of fan fiction or miscellaneous crap that I enjoy pumping out to annoy people. This does not include author notes, forwards, letters of thanks to reviewers or disclaimers. If this contract is broken, I will be forced to flog my testicles with a large length of knotted sailing rope
with rusty nails tied into it.
SIGNED: Lance Thompson,
Chicken Fox
--
Chicken Fox: There you have it. It's enough to bring a tear to the eye. I guess this is goodbye from me. But before I do leave forever from my creations, I'd just like to do two things. Firstly, I'd like to assure you that although I'd like you to forget all the nonsense of the last few chapters the following factors remain unchanged:
Rockstar still hate Konami
Meryl is still split from Snake
Raiden's still a bitch
Snake will still fight James Earl Cash in this very fic
Video Game Deathmatch still rocks
Secondly, I'd like to invite all of you who have complained about my lack of humour, size of chapters, and most especially author insertion to collectively suck on my genitalia and I'd like to inform you all that I'm not very fond of any of you.
Snake: Okay. But what does this have to do with me?
Chicken Fox: How did you get in here!?
Snake: You left the "door to your left" open.
Chicken Fox: Fine. Just be quiet while I talk to the nice people.
The door to your left leads you back to the Metal Gear fanfics screen and signifies that you genuinely are sick of me and of Deathmatch. The door to your right leads you to the rest of the story, and sissy boy here back to his bitch.
Snake: ...
Chicken Fox: Any questions?
Snake: Yeah. Can you do the red pill/blue pill thing again?
Chicken Fox: Fine. If you take the red pill, your cock will grow so large that you will be unable to fit down most rabbit holes. Even Meryl's, whore though she is. If you take the blue pill, you will achieve the world's biggest orgasm at will. It's all about choice, Snake.
Snake: Hmm....
(Snake snatches both pills and swallows them)
--
--
--
VIDEO GAME DEATHMATCH: THE RELAUNCH
(Announcing booth)
Fox Chicken: What was that?
Colonel Roy Campbell: What?
Fox: I dunno... I just got a little tingly sensation in the back of my head...
Campbell: Like your memory was being erased?
Fox: Kinda. Where did it come from?
Campbell: I'm sure I don't know. But it looks as though the match is gonna start soon!
Fox: Yes. Before we give you our main event, Solid Snake Vs James Earl Cash, we'd just like to do some Match of The Day style build up in order to wet your appetite and generally piss you off with our self centred opinions until Snake and Cash are ready. So, for our analysis on both combatants, let's head over to estranged lovers Hal "Otacon" Emmerich and Mei Ling!
(Cut to the analyst studio. Mei Ling and Otacon are standing next to a giant screen)
Otacon: Thanks, Fox. So, Mei, who do you think is gonna win?
Mei: I've got a feeling that Snake will out-sneak Cash. He was chatting me up over codec before and he sounds pretty confident!
Otacon: It's true that Snake is a highly trained and ruthless soldier.
Mei: However, James Earl Cash is the baddest motherfucker that we've ever seen in a computer game, present company excepted.
Otacon: Hey! That was my step mom! Step!
Mei: Okay, Jeez, I was only kiddin'. Anyway, do you know where this fight is gonna be? I don't think a normal wrestling ring can hold a fight between these tow stealth masters.
Otacon: Well, we got Hideo Kojima to come up with the setting. These two guys will be slugging it out in an abandoned urban city...
Mei: Sounds good so far!
Otacon:... which will be built on a tanker travelling past Manhattan Dock.
Mei: Damn Hideo! Always getting us excited and then coming up with something totally zany to finish!
Otacon: Hey, Metal Gear Solid 3 still looks good!
Mei: I suppose so. That's set in a jungle, right?
Otacon: Right! Inside a giant greenhouse!
Mei: Oh God...
Otacon: ... At the bottom of the ocean!
Mei:... Anyway, Otacon and I will be providing Snake with help over codec, a la the Tanker Discovery mission.
Otacon: And Manhunt's evil Director, Lionel Starkweather, will be helping Cash over his earpiece. Also, the tanker/city will be populated by the Gurlukovich Army and several breeds of Hunter, plus a special surprise.
Mei: Back to you, Fox and Colonel!
(Cut to announcing booth)
Campbell: Thanks, Mei. Now we'll be heading over to the Manhunt team to see what they think of Cash's chances!
(Cut to pitch back room. The silhouette of a bloated, seated figure can just be made out)
Brian Cox-type voice: Solid Snake has no chance tonight. James Earl Cash, my veteran star, will make literal mincemeat out of his ass. As one reviewer put it, Cash has killed guys who would ass- rape Snake HARD. Like one time, there was this guy draining his lizard in a bush, right? And Cash snuck up to him and broke his neck!
...
Whadya mean, that ain't sick? It made me cry! What? No, I've never played Metal Gear Solid. What's that?
...
Anyhoo, I've thrown in a nice surprise for both Cash and Snake tonight, along with the most perverse breed of Hunters known to man, the Smileys! And all the proceeds from this fight will go to me, Bria... erm, I mean... Lionel Starkweather! Muhahahahahahahahahaha!!!
(Cut back to announcing booth)
Campbell: Who the fuck was that?
Fox: I dunno. Anyway, you heard it here first, folks. The Smileys will be teaming up with the Gurlukovich Army to kill our two fighters before they kill each other!
Campbell: Well... what's the point in that? We'll never get to see the fight we wanted!
Fox: Don't worry, we've rigged the cards. If it looks like one of these hard cases is gonna kill Snake or Cash, we've got Sniper Wolf ready to knock 'em off before they do!
Campbell: Cool! Where's she posted?
Fox: Hawaii. She was on holiday when we called her.
Campbell: That's one mean sniper rifle she has. But, if she kills all the Hunter/Gurlukovich soldiers, then...
Fox: Don't go away, we're coming right back!
Campbell: Oh no, you ain't cutting me off that easily. Chicke... erm, I mean, someone, told us to keep the chapters as long as possible.
Fox: (sigh) Fine, what do you wanna ask me?
Campbell: ... I forgot. Something about Wolf.
Fox: Her tits?
Campbell: Probably. I'd like soma that!
Fox: Roy, you're 73 next month. Act your age.
Campbell: But she's so hot! Take me now, Wolf! I'm YOURS! (Rips off shirt)
Fox: ... Ironically, your tits are bigger than hers.
Campbell: I'm sorry, don't know what came over me there.
Fox: It's called senility. And it's here to stay.
Campbell: Is it contagious?
Fox: Only to other dirty old bastards. Your immediate family and friends will be fine.
Campbell: Phew.
Fox: But you'll need a new shirt. The FCC are already all over us, and people are gonna be telling us to up the rating to R.
Campbell: R? That's ridiculous! What are we on now?
Fox: PG-13.
Campbell: They do have a point.
Fox: You wanna try saying that through a mouthful of tazer?
Otacon (Off Camera): Guys, you wanna introduce the fight now? Starkweather says the CCTV cameras are in place on Tanker City and Mei Ling and I are ready to go.
Campbell: (holding earpiece) I just bet you are, Otacon!
Mei O/C: That's sick, Colonel. You think I'd go out with a four-eyed thirty five year old hentai freak like Otacon here?
Otacon O/C: (sob)
Campbell: Damn Theorist and his improbable stories and left wing ideals!
Fox: Hey, doesn't that count as author insertion?
Campbell: ...No.
Fox: Are you... Ow!
Mei O/C: What?
Fox: I got that tingly sensation at the back of my skull again.
Campbell: Hmmm...
Fox: What?
Campbell: Just thinking... Got it! Mei ling?
Mei O/C: Yeah?
Campbell: How do you feel about 73-year-old geriatrics with big-breasted sniper fixations and two-inch dicks?
Mei O/C: Ew! Get away from me, you slime!
Otacon O/C: Is that erected or non-erected?
Fox: Heh... could we just get back to the fight now?
Mei O/C: You're damn right there's gonna be a fight! I've got two sexually oppressed perverts drooling over me here!
Fox: I hope you're not talking lawsuit, 'cos we've already got the Wachowskis on our case.
Campbell: Hey, what'd I do?
Fox: Just... just shut up. Okay?
Otacon O/C: Yeah! You're sick!
Mei O/C: And you're a porno freak!
Otacon O/C: If my mommy heard you say that we'd be in big trouble.
Fox: Right, that's it; I'm cutting to a commercial break.
Campbell: We'll be right back!
Fox: Shut up!
--
(Pleasant music)
Are you sick of ongoing nonsense in Metal Gear fanfics?
Can't stand the constant inane babble that seems to go on and on?
Are the random comments just getting too much for your brain?
If so, why not order a WolfSnipe© sharpshooter to go and kill the author?
All WolfSnipe© snipers are highly trained killers, and if they don't get the job done nothing will.
So ring 0800-KISS-MY-ASS today and place your order
(WolfSnipe© Inc. is in now way related to Canine Faeces Identification and all related items are registered)
--
Fox: ... You should probably ignore that. Anyway, on with the fight!
Campbell: Yes. The fight.
(Cut to Snake walking along the Verrazano Bridge. He finishes his cigarette, tosses it in front of himself and slips on it. He trips over the guardrail on the bridge and goes flying off into the sea. He lands on Tanker City, a little worse for wear.)
Snake: This is Snake. Do you read me, Otacon?
Otacon Over Codec: For the last time, yes, Snake!
Mei Over Codec: Stop dicking around Snake, and get on with the mission.
Snake: Yes ma'am.
...
Snake: Urm...what is the mission?
Otacon: You're to find and eliminate James Earl Cash in the most ruthless way possible.
Snake: The singer? I thought he was already dead.
Mei: James Earl, not Johnny.
Snake: The cigarette brand?
Otacon: (sigh)
(Cut to James Earl Cash. He has swam from Manhattan Dock with a knife in his mouth and is busy climbing the rigging into Tanker City. A soldier walks past)
Cash: ...
Director: That's right, Cash. You're gonna show those Konami punks up once and for all, and become Rockstar Inc's leading man.
Cash: ...
Director: Don't feel like talkin', huh? That's fine. You just save your rage for these punks.
Cash...
Director: Now, let's show this Gurlukovich Army member just what you're made of.
(Cut to Snake)
Snake: The President of the United States?
Otacon: No, look, Snake. We want you to kill James Earl Cash. He's a violent killer working for Rockstar. He's somewhere in Tanker City.
Snake: The rival of Hooters?
Mei: Oh, look, here comes a Smiley and a Gurlukovich Soldier. A perfect chance to scout your enemies.
(A soldier and a Smiley walk past.)
Soldier: Now, you and your comrades better follow our lead, or vee'll tell Olga vere you live.
Smiley: (laughs inanely)
Soldier: Are you evan listening to me, comrade?
Smiley: (laughs) Food!
(The Smiley jumps at the Gurlukovich Soldier)
Soldier: Ach! Nyet! Get off me! Argh! That hurts! Stop biting... No! That doesn't fit in there! Arrrgghh!!! The agony!!! The... actually, that's not so bad. A little to the left... perfect. Oooooh... (crack)
Otacon: Eww.
Mei: Go on, Snake. Show 'em what you're made of.
Snake: Are you sure about this?
Otacon: Snake, if you wanna kill Cash, you'll have to survive at least a few of these guys.
Snake: Okay... if you're sure it won't kill me.
Otacon: I've never been more certain.
(Cut to Otacon and Mei Ling)
Mei: Otacon! What are you saying? He's got no chance!
Otacon: Remember, Wolf?
Mei: Oh yeah.
(Cut to Snake)
Mei: You'll do great, Snake.
Snake: Thanks, guys.
(Snake sneaks up on the dining Smiley)
Otacon: Easy does it...
Snake (whispering): Here goes...
(Cut to James Earl Cash. He is stripping the Gurlukovich Soldier for organs.)
Director: What're you gonna do with... Oh, right. Yum.
Cash: (munch)
Director: Okay. Lunchtime's over. Time to find Snake.
(Cut to Snake. He's getting his head kicked in by a gang of Smileys)
Snake: How... am... argh! I doing?
Mei: Really great. Just hang in there, Snake!
Otacon: He's gonna die.
(Suddenly, all the Smileys drop dead from bullet wounds to their craniums)
Snake:... I did it! No one messes with Snake! No one!
Otacon: Well done there, Snake. (Then, off codec) Thanks, Wolf.
Mei: (wipes forehead) We were nearly screwed right there.
Otacon: Yeah.
Otacon Over Codec: Now, let's find Cash.
Snake: Is that him? (points)
Otacon: No, Snake. That's the mast.
(Cut to Cash. He is outside a local pub. There are cheers from within)
Director: They are all fired! Drinking on the job... actually, I kinda like that. That'll mean they're more eager for the kill.
Cash: ...
Director: We gotta get you a USP headset.
(Cash and the Director watch as Revolver Ocelot, Red Dead Revolver, Big Mitch Baker, Sergi Gurlukovich, several Gurlukovich Soldiers and a gang of Smileys stumble out of the bar and into the cold night air)
Ocelot et all: WE... ARE THE CHAMPIONS... MA FRIEND... DUH DUH DUH DUH!!!
Ocelot: Ah, fuck yers all! Ya bunch a fuckin'... fuckers!
Sergi: Fuck... off...!
Baker: WE'LL KEEP ON FIGHTIN... TIL THE END!!
Red: You... hic... fuckin'... hic... startin' mate?
(They stumble out of sight into an alleyway)
Everyone but the Smileys: Argh! Not that! Noooooo!!!!
(The sound of gang raping fills the night before... silence. Sweet, sweet silence.)
Director: Hmmm... maybe these Smileys are a little too violent. I should use them more often.
Ocelot O/C: Fine, I'll get yerz all a fuckin' pint, you only had to fuckin' ...hic... ask... (crack)
(Cut to Snake... where is Snake? Camera, zoom in on that crumbly old wall there. A little to the left... Perfect.)
Otacon: Snake... Are you sure this is a good idea? Snake?
Snake O/C: Yeah, don't worry; Cash does it all the time.
Mei: So, you're going to hide in that corner and throw a whiskey bottle to distract him...
Snake O/C: And then when he comes to investigate... BAM!
Otacon: you're getting pro skaters in on this?
Snake O/C: No, I whack him with this brick!
Mei: But isn't that...
Snake: Quiet, here he comes!
(A smiley approaches. As with all smileys, he wears a big, round circle with a smiley face drawn on it for a mask. He is very muscular and in need of psychotherapy. He is armed with a meat cleaver.)
Snake: Here ya go, sucker!
(He throws the whiskey bottle towards the Smiley. Alas, he's thrown it too close and the Smiley catches it. He looks towards the corner where Snake is hiding.)
Snake: Uh oh... Plan B!
(Snake pulls a brick out of the bottom of the crumbly wall. It comes crashing down on top of him)
Snake: Shit.
Mei: Oh my God... Snake, are you alright?
Snake: It's okay... my body stopped the bricks.
Otacon: Snake, get outta there! He's got a whiskey bottle!
Mei: Where's Wolf?
(Cut to Hawaiian Beach. Sniper Wolf is sunbathing topless with a large, good-looking islander)
Wolf: Mmmm. When does the ice cream store open?
Hunk: Anytime you want, baby.
(They giggle. Fade back to Otacon and Mei Ling)
Mei: Great, what do we do now?
Otacon: Who... who was he!?
Mei: Not now, Hal. Hey, look!
(Cut to Snake. The Smiley is dead and Snake is no longer buried under a ton of bricks)
Otacon: Snake, that's amazing! How did you do that?
Snake (brushing himself off): This guy helped me. Hey, what's your name, pal?
Mei: Snake! Run! That's...
Otacon and Mei: James Earl Cash!!!
Snake: Huh? (Cash hits him with a steel baseball bat.) Urgh... look at all the stars mommy...(Falls unconscious)
Otacon: Snake? Snake! Snaaake!!!
(Hours later. Snake is tied upside down in an abandoned house with several other bodies. The room he is in is very dark)
Director: Welcome, Snake!
Snake: Uh... who said that?
Director: Look over here, in the shadows!
(There is a shadowy, seated figure in the darkness. Again, only his outline can be made out.)
Director: That's right! It is I, the Director!
Snake: Yo. How did I get here, fuckface?
Director: Don't call me that! You are here because I want you here. I'm here to make you a proposition.
Snake: You sound a little old to be propositioning people.
Director: Shut up! Anyway, I was amazed at how you killed that gang of Smileys before. Seven of them, dead in an instant due to head wounds! And I didn't even see your gun!
Snake: Yeah, see, thing about that is...
Director: Shut... up! Anyway, I think you have what it takes to be the leading man of Starkweather Productions.
Snake: And what if I refuse?
Director: Then I let this gang of hungry Smileys in. They haven't had any action in weeks. Your arsehole will be like a clown's pocket!
Otacon O/C: Don't do it, Snake! We'll think of someth -
Snake: I'll do it.
Director: I knew you'd see sense eventually.
Snake: Whatever. Where's the contract?
Director: Over there on the table.
Snake: You think you could maybe make it be a little more over here?
Director: 'Fraid not. I can't let you see my face. Cash will cut you down when he gets back.
Snake: Are you sure? I'll close my eyes.
Mei O/C: Psst, Snake, I think we have a way of getting you outta there.
Snake: Nah, it's okay. I can wait. Fuckface and I have it all worked out.
Director: Don't call me that! My face is not fucked up!
Snake: Then how come you won't let anyone see it? Say, are you all disgusting and disfigured?
Director: No!! My mum says I have a lovely face!
Snake: I'll be the judge of that, fuckface.
Director: That's it! You die now!
(Starkweather reaches out and unlocks the door with his cane. About ten... no, lets say twenty Smileys enter the room, all drooling and so forth)
Director: Prepare for total sodimisation, Snake!
(But the Smileys turn and look at Starkweather's corner. They begin to communicate with each other via snarls and grunts)
Director: What the... kill him! Kill him now!
Snake: Hey, guys, let's find out what his face looks like!
(They nod in agreement)
Director: No!!! Not that!!!
(They attack him. The sound of crunching can be heard from the corner)
Snake: Enjoying that, huh, fuckface?
Otacon O/C: Snake, we've got someone to help you escape.
Snake: Is it Batman?
Big Boss O/C: Snake, it's me. Your father.
Snake: Batman's my dad?
Big Boss: No time for playing around, son. Do exactly as I say. You have to do what I did in Operation: Snake Eater. Reach up and cut the ropes around your legs with a knife.
Snake: But I don't like to use blades. I don't even carry one with me.
Boss: What? But it's standard equipment for a FOXHOUND operative!
Snake: This ain't the 60s, Dad. My butter knife isn't exactly gonna help me destroy Metal Gear RAY.
Mei: Guys, those Hunters are almost finished with Starkweather.
Boss: She's right, son. You need to find a knife.
Snake: Look, the answer's obvious. (To Smiley) Hey, bozo, you gotta knife on ya?
Smiley: Hee hee hee!
Snake: Can I lend it?
Boss: Borrow, son. Can you borrow it.
Snake: That's what I'm asking him.
Boss: Yeah, but...
Snake: (catches knife) Cheers, mate. (Cuts himself free)
Otacon: Now get outta there!
(At that moment, Cash jumps through the window with three shopping bags. He surveys the situation and realises what's happened while he's been gone.)
Cash: ...
Snake: Uh oh.
Cash: ... (translation: "I'm gonna fuckin' kill ya!")
Snake: Yeah, whatever.
Boss: Knife him, Snake!
(Snake pulls out his SOCOM and shoots Cash dead.)
Boss: Or that might work.
(The hordes of Smileys turn... yeah, Hordes. No, there were never twenty. The hordes turn and face Snake, having devoured Starkweather)
Snake: Eat him (points at Cash. They do.). Yeah! I won! Didja see that, guys?
...
Snake: Otacon? Mei Ling?
Boss: I wouldn't bother them now, Snake. Turns out Theorist was right after all.
Mei: I'm yours, Hal! Take me!!
Snake: Right. Now how do I get off this ship?
--
Fox: Woah! What a fight, eh Colonel!
Campbell: That was great. As thousands of evil sodomists killed their master in a Frankenstein-style twist, Snake escapes and shoots Cash through the head with his trusty old SOCOM.
Fox: And we've just about ran outta time. As always folks, we'll see ya next time on Video Game Deathmatch!
Campbell: Yeah, probably.
Fox: Good fight, good night!
--
Author's note: You better fucking review after all that.