It was early summer on Null. The air was warm, with a slight breeze keeping it from becoming uncomfortably hot. . A few wispy white clouds floated lazily across a clear blue sky. The stream burbled merrily over a few rocks, before settling down into a placid flow deep enough for small fish to dart back and forth in. The sun sparkled off the surface of the water. Tiny insects flitted around the stream and the lush plants that grew next to it.
Qui-Gon clenched fists trembled. If only he could release the Dark feelings within him. So much anger and fear ate at his soul. His first morning here, he sat by the stream and opened himself up the Living Force. He was overwhelmed by the purity he felt, generated by the unspoiled land around him.
In horror he had instantly cut himself off from it. He knew he had been tainted, but until that moment he hadn't realized to what extent. On Nar Shadda and Dbrakis the contrast between himself and energy of the Living Force hadn't been as great, both planets were themselves somewhat tainted from the environmental damage of unrestricted industrialization and the high amount of corruption and crime among the sentient beings.
But on Null . . . if he released the Dark emotions that festered within him into the surrounding Living Force, it would be like dumping toxic waste into the pristine stream that flowed before him. His existence had become a poisonious thing, tainting all that it came in contact with. His friends had refused, again and again, to leave him even though it meant their eventual destruction. Therefore, he had to leave them. One way or another.
Kyran awoke from a nightmare of being devoured by shadows. It took him a minute to realize that the dream was not of his own mind's creation, but images that were leaking over his link with Qui-Gon.
Quietly, so not to wake Devin, he slipped out of their shared bedroom into Qui-Gon's room.
The only light in the room came from the window, flung open with the curtains drawn back. The star filled night sky gave Kyran just enough light to see that Qui-Gon's bed was empty. Glancing around in concern, Kyran spotted Qui-Gon.
He had wedged himself into the far corner of the room, his unlit lightsaber clenched tightly in white knuckled fists. Blue eyes were open wide, the whites showing around them. Eyes that stared at Kyran with no hint of recognition in them.
"Qui-Gon," whispered Kyran, moving slowly towards him.
Qui-Gon jammed himself further into the corner, tightening his grip on the lightsaber.
Kyran reached out with the Force, switching on the small lamp on the nightstand. Qui-Gon started and turned to stare at the light.
"Qui-Gon, its Kyran. You're safe. Its okay," Kyran said reassuringly.
Qui-Gon's head swiveled back towards Kyran. Recognition slowly filled his eyes. The lightsaber fell to the floor as he buried his face in his hands.
"Why?" Qui-Gon moaned so softly Kyran barely heard him.
"Why what?"
"Why didn't you leave me there? It would have been best if you just left me there. I would have been dead soon." Qui-Gon had drawn his knees up to his chest, hands still covered his face.
Kyran was stunned. He knelt down next to Qui-Gon, unsure of what to say. "Qui-Gon, your loss would have been terrible, to both the Jedi Order and to your friends who love you."
"But I am lost. To the Order. To everyone."
"Its just a matter of time before your identity is proven and we're all cleared of the charges. We'll be back at the Temple soon, I'm sure." Kyran tentatively reached out to lay a hand on Qui-Gon's shoulder.
Qui-Gon flinched beneath the touch. "I'm not going back."
"What do you mean?" asked Kyran. Was Qui-Gon still this worried that he would be recaptured and returned to Tuvlat?
"Peace over anger. Honor over hate. Strength over fear. The Code of the Jedi. How can I be a Jedi if there is only anger, hate and fear within me? I can't go back to the Jedi, now."
"Qui-Gon, you survived a horrible time in one of the galaxy's worst prisons. A Dark Jedi did his best to break your spirit. You're reacting to the trauma. Remember your training. All Jedi are taught about Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. It's a perfectly natural reaction to . . . "
"Not for a Jedi," hissed Qui-Gon. "A Jedi should be able to control his emotions. There is no emotion, there is peace. I have no peace. And even worse, is what calls to me. I feel it, so close. It never leaves me anymore. I'm not sure . . . I don't think I can. Not for much longer. I can't fight it anymore."
"Fight what?" Kyran whispered.
"The Darkness." Qui-Gon's head shot up, his eyes meeting Kyran's, his voice low and intense. "I won't turn. There's only one escape left to me. Only one place the Darkness can't follow."
Kyran's stomach clenched. Qui-Gon was no longer making any attempt at shielding. Despair and self-loathing flooded across their bond. His 'escape' was the decision Kyran had feared he'd make ever since he first noticed Qui-Gon had stopped eating. Qui-Gon was willing himself to die.
"There are always alternatives, Qui-Gon." Kyran said, sending love back over their bond.
"And you are not alone. We are here and if you will only let us, we can help you fight off the Darkness," Devin said softly, kneeling down on Qui- Gon's other side. The flood of emotions that Qui-Gon had released when he dropped his shields had woken Devin out of a sound sleep and brought him in from the other room at a near run.
Qui-Gon dropped his head back down, resting it on his knees, his arms tightly wound around his legs. His body shook with the effort to suppress the emotions that were threatening to burst from him. He began rebuilding his tattered shields, cutting himself off once more. "You shouldn't be here. You should be back at the Temple, training your Padawans, serving the Jedi. Not being hunted as fugitives across the galaxy over a Dark tainted, broken man. I want you both to leave in the morning. Go back to the Temple."
"We aren't going back, how many times do we have to tell you that before you will believe us?" asked Devin.
"I do believe you, which makes it worse. You think you understand what happened to me, but you don't. If I could just make you understand . . . " Qui-Gon's voice trailed off.
Long moments passed, Kyran and Devin sitting next to Qui-Gon, open to whatever he was willing to give. Qui-Gon, head still pressed against his knees, slowly stopped shaking. Finally, Qui-Gon lifted his head and released his mental shields. Over the bond between the three men flowed the memories of Qui-Gon's time in Tuvlat. It was the first time he had shared the full horror of what he had experienced, including how very close he had come to falling completely to the Dark Side.
"Now you know everything. The man you loved as a brother died in Tuvlat. All that is left is a twisted parody. Go home and remember what he was, not what he became." Qui-Gon's voice was flat, dead of any emotion.
"Bantha poodoo." Kyran said firmly. "You didn't fall or fail. You didn't turn. Yes, you touched the Dark, but you aren't tainted. Do you think you are so above all other mortals that you could experience all that and remain unaffected? You've been hurt, but you can heal, if you'll just let go of that cursed stubborn pride of yours and let the people who love you help you find your way back into the Light."
"Once you start down the path of Darkness, forever will it dominate your destiny," whispered Qui-Gon.
"Qui-Gon you touched the Darkness and pulled away from it. Everyone is tempted. What is important is that you get back up and try again to embrace the Light." Kyran said soothingly.
"Why do you keep insisting that there is something left to save? In the months that you have been with me, what has happened that has given you the faintest shred of hope that there is any possibility of my redemption? Was it when I drove the glass into Devin's back or broke your nose? Was it the screaming outbursts of anger? You are both deluding yourselves and I'm done being a part of that delusion. I'm done trying to fight off the Darkness that lurks within me."
"What convinces me that you're still there? The fact that you are more concerned about the well being of your friends than yourself. The fact that you are striving to find a way to reject the Darkness rather than taking the easy path and embracing it. You've stumbled along your path. Everyone does. All Jedi are tempted. You've just have to reach the point where you can begin to build back up again." Kyran said. "You've got to let go of your guilt of not being perfect and move on. All Jedi fail. No one is perfect."
The words Qui-Gon spoke next seemed to sting Kyran even more because they were uttered in such a cold, dead voice. "How dare you lecture me on letting go of my own guilt when you have let your own guilt consume you to the point where you can barely eat normally. Its your misplaced guilt that is keeping you here. Think about what you are doing without that guilt influencing you. You'll realize that your place is back at the Temple."
"How dare I?" Kyran echoed. " You have no place to be carrying around this guilt of yours. You were blameless a victim of my poor judgment and Gaikusan's evil. This was not your fault. It was mine. My guilt is justified because I am guilty. I had no reason to desert you other than my own anger and fear."
"I played a part in what happened, too. Many of the events occurred because I made the decision to sneak out of the Healers and push my way into your rescue of Jayla. By doing that, I placed her, you and myself at risk. Can you forgive me for that?"
"Of course I forgive you." Kyran said quietly. Any resentment he'd had towards Qui-Gon over that incident had long ago been set aside.
"What about the actions that I took that placed you and Devin at risk on Nar Shadda. We all knew that it would have been much safer if I stayed hidden in the apartment. Instead I insisted on wandering around and led the bounty hunters straight back to you. Can you forgive me for that?"
"Of course. " Kyran said without hesitation. "We all make mistakes Qui- Gon."
"Then why won't you forgive yourself for any mistake you might have made? Do you think that I hold some sort of grudge with you over what happened? Do you think it gives me any satisfaction to see you tear yourself up inside over what you think you were responsible for? Forgive yourself, Kyran. If not for your sake, then for mine."
Kyran stared at his friend, startled as he recognized the harsh truth in Qui-Gon's words. His own mistakes had caused Qui-Gon to fall this far, his stomach twisted slightly, but he took a breath and tried to push those thoughts to the side. He had learned from his errors and he would work hard to keep from making the same mistakes again. "I'll will, but I'll no doubt need you to remind me of that." He said in a voice so soft it could barely be heard.
"It helps to know that you are willing to forgive yourself and move on. I need to know that both of you will be okay, that you will look out for each other." Qui-Gon spoke with a quiet intensity.
"Of course we'll look out for each other," Devin chimed in. "We all look out for each other. That's what brothers do."
Qui-Gon nodded, satisfied. He leaned back against the wall, unfolding slightly from the tight ball he had curled himself into. "I understand now, why you were so angry with me, Kyran, all those months ago. I was wrong to go after you and Jayla. I was a liability, putting you both at risk by my actions. Just like you and Kyran are putting yourselves at risk by being here. More, if you ignored your judgment and gone with me to Clasi, you would have been captured, too. Gaikusan was ready for me. He carefully planned on how to capture and break a Jedi. Bad enough what happened to me. If he managed to do that to you, either of you . . . " Qui-Gon's voice broke momentarily, emotion bleeding into his tone. "If you are captured by the bounty hunters he has out looking for us, that is exactly what will happen. The last two encounters proved I can't protect myself or you. I can't rid myself of the taint of Tuvlat. I can't go back to the Jedi. I won't go back to Tuvlat. You both refuse to leave me, so there is only one solution left open to me."
Qui-Gon's voice was once more calm as he outlined his plans. "After I'm gone, there's no more reason for you two to be fugitives. You could claim that two of Duursema's associates posed as Jedi during the jailbreak to throw off pursuit. Even a bit of poetic justice since Gaikusan claimed I was an assassin posing as a Jedi. You two can finally get back to your lives."
"What do you mean after you're gone? " Kyran queried. "Qui-Gon you can't be thinking what I think you are--there are other options. Suicide is not your only escape."
"I've got no other place to go that won't put you in danger or lead to my being devoured by Darkness. I'll become one with the Force. " For a brief moment Qui-Gon looked troubled. "Assuming that I can still do that with the taint on my soul."
"You're just going to give up?" Kyran said indignantly. "You agreed that you would help me heal from all that guilt. How am I supposed to do that if you're gone?"
"You and Devin have each other. You just promised me that you would look out for each other."
"And we will," Devin said, "but we are also still going to look out for you. Qui-Gon don't do this. If you give in now the Darkness will have won. You're acting from fear that the darkness will devour you. It hasn't yet."
"Yet. Shall we wait until I become so totally lost that you are forced to destroy me yourselves? Or I destroy you? Better that I go before that happens."
Kyran put a hand on Qui-Gon's arm. "You won't be devoured by the darkness. We'll help you. That's what we're here for. You seem to be forgetting that. We stand by your side, fight at your side. We'll fight the darkness with you too--but you have to let us help you. This option of escape you have chosen is not the only way. "
Qui-Gon didn't reply, but the stubborn set of his shoulders spoke volumes. He would do as he must.
"Chunta ka, ze t'brak ka. Szellin ka, ze fowriz ka." Devin spoke the Rhodian words with a soft lilting.
Kyran looked at him, at bit startled at the unexpected reference coming from his plain-spoken friend. The lines were from a Rhodian opera. Translated they meant: If you are lost, I will find you. If you fall, I will catch you.
"We know that you are strong enough to fight this Darkness. Trust us in that, even if you doubt yourself. You have been through so very much and have kept going. You just shared with us everything you experienced in Tuvlat. We saw through your eyes how close you were to the Darkness. And we still believe in you. Believe in us, Qui-Gon. Just hold on a little longer. " Kyran pleaded.
Tentatively Qui-Gon nodded his head. Kyran and Devin both had their shields down, letting him feel that they truly believed what they were saying. If they had that much faith in him, despite everything, then perhaps there might be some small chance after all. "All right. But I . . . I'm not sure how."
"By letting us help you. You won't have to carry this burden alone. That's what we're here for."
"We'll find a way, Qui-Gon. Together."
Devin and Kyran reached out their hands, helping Qui-Gon to his feet. The first rays of the rising sun streamed through the window. Fighting the Darkness had taken up the night. Now, at long last, the night was over and it was time to face a new day.