Everywhere from town, you could see dazzling searchlights waving frantically across the sky. Crowds cheering endlessly as the celebrities made their way down the red carpet and to the doors of the theater for opening night.
Flashing lights, famous people, and red carpets, you'd think that J.K. Rowling had comne out with the damn sixth book already and was signing bookds, but sadly enough, people back in 2004 America weren't that lucky. Instead, they got an extremely crappy re-make of one of America's timessless classic musicals with an all-star cast, bad acting, and cheesy impovisations to ensure a slaughter-house of disgraces for all musical remakes.
So, despite the merciless efforts to create a half-way decent updated version of immortalized favorites, anxious viewers and angry critics all filed in to the theater where they would soon laugh, cry, and kiss eight bucks goodbye. As soon as everyone was seated, the night's host got up to introduce the show.
"Good evening everyone," said Robin Leach, "and welcome to Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous." Everyone in the audience gave him a queer look. "I mean, tonight's show. Tonight, I present to ye, South Side Sing-A-Long!" The crowd went wild. Beach balls and lighters filled the air amidst the raving. "And now," started Robin, "the cast!
"Playing the role of Tony, it's the fabulous tennage heartthrob who made his debut as Legolas in 'the Lord of the Rings', Orlando Bloom!" The black-haired teen icon walked across the stage and waved as he was bombarded with thongs and bras.
"Our next actor, known for his muscular bodybuilding skills, not to mention his expertise in politics - Arnold Schwarzenegger as Riff!" The audience went dead. "Go back to California!" a distressed viewer yelled. Arnold just smiled his attractive smile and made way for the other side of the stage.
"Playing the role of Bernardo, that action-packed Chinese stuntman - Jackie Chan!" The big fore-headed Chin entered the pit as he attacked two suspicious looking terrorists with a long wooden shaft in his right hand and forcefully kicked out a dozen badnits at the same time.
"And portraying the lovely Maria is the beautiiful and talented Selma Hayek!" A woman in a red Spainsh dress and a thick uni-brow walked on stage and gave a bow. Selma obviously still hadn't recovered from her role as Frida. Nonetheless, she still quite an applause. After all, she was the only actor in the cast who had been nominated for best actress at the 2003 Acadaemy Awards.
"And the rest of the cast includes, HIllary Duff as Anybody, Shia LeBueff as Baby John, David Hasselhoff as Action, Vanilla Ice as Ice, Simon Cowell as Doc, Catherine Zeta-Jones as Anita, Jet Li as Chino, Harrison Ford as Officer Krupke, and Keanu Reeves as Segeant Schrank!" The remaining stars walked across the stage and genlty bowed, then took their seats.
"And now, the Opening Overture to kick off the musical!" Suddenly, about tweny little dwarves came out whic could only mean one of two things: they were either Oompah Loompahs or the Lolipop Kids from The Wizard of Oz. But in fact, they were pint-sized satnd-in singers for the Weather Girls and the sang the overture - It's Raining Men. The midgets moved around in syncronated patterns and performed the most bootylicious dance moves, they would have put Brittany Spears to shame. After the opening dance number, the midgets left and the screen came down. The film started rolling and South Side Sing-A-Long began to play...