Author's Notes: Well, that was the awesome amazing first introductory chapter. I promise all the others will be longer and funnier, but that was just a little something to start of the story. Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Steve, and I am one of the writers for SmoothieJames67. Of course, i would not be writing this story if it weren't for the awesomely cool (and equally sexy) Nicole! We love writing parodies that make no sense at all and like to make fun of other celebrities, tv shows, movies, and other pathetic pieces of media in today's sorry society. We are huge fans of musicals, Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings, and various types of fan fics. So please, read, review, and return for more :-)
Disclaimer: We do not own West Side Story. Because if we did, it would have been called "Nicole And Steve's Awesomely Cool Musical Entitled 'West Side Story' Which Will Eventually Be Remade Into A 2004 Version Starring Jackie Chan, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Orlando Bloom, and Selma Hayek And Then Renamed 'South Side Sing-A-Long.' And it's not, is it?
Warning: We do not mean to insult Chinese and/or Middle Eastern people. I have a number of friends who are from Asian decent. It is done out of the goodness of our hearts.
-Steve
Los Angeles, California. The city of racial violence, natural disasters, anarchy rioting, and the world's most popular Chinatown. It's a city of danger, threats, menacing, and chicken teriyaki. Only the strongest, the richest, the most resilient, the most rebellious, and the most Oriental survive. If you don't walk the walk, talk the talk, or talk Chinese, then your life will soon be in a world of hurt, because in the streets of L.A., there's only one gang of people who hold dominion over all - The Jets.
Not only were they the toughest, the rowdiest, the most robust gang of kids you ever saw, they were also quite skilled in ballet, tap dancing, yodeling and break dancing. All of these characteristics, of course, could only make a gang even more intimidating.
Of course, the Jets needed really weird names like Gee-Tar, Snowboy, Joyboy, and Big Deal, all of whom were just the normal people who didn't really talk much in the movie and were only recognized in the credits. And plus, the gang wouldn't have been interesting if there weren't a wide variety of members from different backgrounds. Like Ice, who was the white rapper from the nearby ghetto, the middle-eastern kid A-Rab, who was mysteriously dark-skinned with a big nose and furry beard who always wore that blasted rugged turban-and-cloak ensemble. Then there was Baby John, who was the depressed little teenage angst who whined, pouted, committed theft and violence, and occasionally dressed in pink tutus just gain attention, and Tiger, who actually turned out to be Tony the Tiger, who always wore the same black bandana around his neck and carried a bowl of Frosted Flakes wherever he went.
They were the one gang no one messed with. No one. No one except - The Skanks.
All the way from the east side of the city, deep within the Great Walls of Chinatown, lived the most fiercest Chins you ever saw. Arming themselves with Chinese Stars, sais, numchucks and chopsticks, the Skanks were by far the most devious and life-threatening band of Chinese folk you've ever seen since Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon.
So it was no surprise that on one fine average day in Los Angeles of rebellion, insurrection, revolting and low prices at the nearest Target and Wal-Mart that there should be an interlude of gang violence. And so, there was.
A little girl was playing with her Jumbo Sidewalk Chalk her mom just bought her on the Jumbo-sized sidewalk just as nicely as you please. Then, a dark intimidating shadow loomed over her causing her to run in fear. For this shadow belonged to something dark and intimidating.
The members of the Jets and the Skanks.
"Bernahdo" said Riff in his thick Austrian accent.
"Mo hin chi mao hungah mabba Riff!" yelled back Bernardo in his native tongue which was some odd Chinese dialect unknown to the U.S. Down at the bottom of the screen, subtitles appeared in a small white glazed lettering making it just as possible to read as it was to understand him in the first place: "So, we meet again Riff!"
The Skanks lined up and came face-to-face with snarling sneers and tormenting taunts. Each bore a facial expression more impertinent than the next.
"You tahkin to me?" Riff angrily inquired.
Bernardo lunged forward to the point where he was within centimeters of Riff's face. The camera zoomed in into Bernardo's face, then, quickly zoomed into Riff's face. A snarl form Riff. The camera then returned to Riff, then whizzed over to Bernardo, then made a follow-up back to Riff, then zoomed into Riff, then rocketed up for another close up of Bernardo, then spun up to Riff, then, the camera slowly approached Riff's face and then quickly jerked back over to Bernardo before suddenly - -
Commentary
"Hello, this is George Lucas, the director of South Side Sing-A-Long here for the 'South Side Sing-A-Long DVD Audio Commentary'. Many poeple often ask, 'Yo dawgg, what iz up wit dat whole camera zoom whack in da furst seen? I almost got sick as a mug afta seein that sh'. So, allow me to elaborate. I used a technique used in several foreign fighting films. This gives the scene an effect much similar to closing in on pod-racing scenes, or to create suspense in a light-saber battle, or in this case, to make fun of other cheap karate films, but I think - - "
Back to the story...
"Quing hagga ma bubaa whoopie uncka?" asked Bernardo. Unfortunately, there was a stain or a scratch on the screen making it now 100% impossible to read and interpret. No one ever knew what the hell Bernardo asked. If you ask me, it was probably something along the lines of 'would you like some sushi?'
"No! I don't care! You're going down you crazy Chinese sunuvabich!" yelled Riff. Then, all hell broke loose.
One of the Skanks, most likely Chino since he was funny-looking, power-kicked Baby John and he ran away bawling... like a baby. Then, another Skank grabbed a long wooden shaft and plunged it deep into Joyboy's stomach, pushed off the ground with it, then landed a drop kick into Snowboy and Ice. The Skanks were definitely kicking some major ass, and it was perfect timing for their most powerful and most unethical weapon -
Bernardo pulled out a large smooth-coated Siamese Cat. "Beware!" he spoke in plain English for the benefit for all, "I hold here in hands secret for Chinese-American food! Be very afraid!"
The Jets became very afraid.
"Stand back! Or else I use!" The Jets scrambled and huddled together. Then, in an ironic twist of fate, they made a frontal attack on the Skanks which took them by surprise. Riff uppercutted Bernardo as the word POW appeared next to his fist. A-Rab jabbed a Skank in the stomach and PUNCH appeared next to the unfortunate Skank's belly. It had all the necessary qualities that the original Batman and Robin had except for the tight spandex costumes.
Just when things were looking advantageous for the Jets, something happened that no one expected to happen.
A leather whip entered the scene from out of nowhere and managed to wrap the entire Skank brigade up in one hell of a farfetched manner while a furious blaze of bullets sprinkled the air in front of the Jets as they were frozen stiff. Then, Lieutenant Schrank, wearing his black trench coat and dark spectacles, dropped his gun and approached the Jets. Meanwhile, Officer Krupke, wearing his brown cowboy-like hat and leather pouch slung over his shoulder, carefully uncoiled his lash. The frozen Jets and the confused Skanks were frozen in confusion.
"Lieutenant?" asked A-Rab, "Why weren't we killed by the furious blaze of bullets that was sprinkled in the air in front of me and my comrades?"
"Because there are no bullets" he promptly stated, and with that he leapt off the ground and rocketed out of sight after saying something along the lines of 'the Matrix has you'.
Everyone focused their attention of Krupke, who was swinging from a large vine which was attached to a non-existent sky scraped. He totally put Spider-Man to shame. After jumping off the vine and doing a bunch of crazy flips and landing uncannily safe of the ground with a small gold statuette in his hand. "You crazy kids need to stop all of this fighting now!"
The Jets and Skanks, who had already stopped their fighting moments ago, agreed to stop.
"Now that's more like it! Now, there's been a raid down at the Club Obi-Wan. Seems like some of my Japanese friends have managed to smuggle in some illegal diamonds. I'm on it and you kids behave!" And having said that, Officer Krupke boarded a random elephant and rode it graciously out of sight.
The Skanks on the other hand knew that wherever there was Japanese trouble, there would be Chinese trouble too since their home countries have been in conflict for over two thousand years. So, realizing the inexorable war, the Skanks headed out to the Club Obi-Wan.
Now, with the Skanks gone and the enforcers of the law gone, there was only one thing left for the Jets to do.
"Jets!" yelled Riff, "It's song time!" All the Jets got into a horizontal line and slowly started snapping their fingers. No one knew exactly why the toughest and most robust gang in L.A. always snapped their fingers and randomly burst into song, but if you ask me, I think it makes them all the more intimidating. Suddenly, a little marble-sized picture of Riff's head appeared at the bottom of the screen. As the words of Jet's Song scrolled across the bottom, the head bounced along the syllable that was being sung in the song.
"So one, two, three, take my hand and come with me," started Riff as his little head danced about the words at the bottom.
"'Cuz you look so fine and I really wanna make you mine!" continued Baby John
"Oh, four, five, six, come on and get your kicks! Now you don't need money when you have a face like that, do ya honey?!" shouted Gee-Tar.
"Now I can see, you home with me!" yelled Snowboy.
Then all the Jets joined up for the chorus as they intricately put there arms around each other and kicked their legs up all in sync and spun around and jumped into the air. "Big black boots, long black hair, she's so sweet with her get back stare!" Arms flailed and legs kicked. They twirled around and all did unique poses. It was quite a feat to witness, but that was expected seeing that Darren from 'Darren's Dance Moves' had done the choreography.
"I said are ya gonna be my girl?" they all shouted in unison, as they formed a human pyramid. One could almost spot some random cheerleaders in background shouting Mickey, but that was more or less ignored.
At that point, some random guy that may or may not have been part of the band Jet came out with his electric guitar and started jamming up and down the neck of the six-stringed music machine. The Jets all started banging their heads, smashing their guitars against the street, setting drum sets on fire, and Action even went as far as to drop down and do the worm. Though all were enjoying themselves, A-Rab was enjoying himself the most as it was illegal to listen and take pleasure in music in his home country.
Then Riff stopped everyone, and in his rich heavy Austrian accent, he spoke. "Hey, isn't there some kinda dahnce tonight aht the gym?" The Jets concurred. "I think we should ahll go down and show those mangy Chinese punks who's da bahss around here!" The Jets cheered and wooted.
"Say, shouldn't someone inform Tony about the dance?" asked Baby John.
"Yeah, where the heck is Tony?" inquired Ice. No one knew for sure. Tony could be anywhere really. He was spotted three years ago in Middle-Earth practicing archery or whatnot, but then last year he was seen in the Caribbean dueling some pirates, and just recently he was found traveling across Greece in a large wooden horse. The possibilities were endless.
So, deciding to go in search of their missing comrade, the Jets all joined hands and skipped off into the sunset.
Comments: So there's the first official chapter. Yeah, since the fact that I am super lazy and was in a mad rush to finish this chapter, I way totally forgot if Harrison Ford or Keanu Reeves played Krupke. But who cares? I think it makes it all the more funny. Adn does anyone really know the lyrics to are ya gonna be my girl? i could've looked them up, but why?