Tomorrow's Dawn
Remus Lupin sat in a huge, worn red chair by the fire. The house was silent even though nearly all of the Order was somewhere in the house. Remus knew they were being so quit because of him, but he couldn't find the energy to care. He couldn't seem to care about anything anymore.
He thought that the day Sirius had died was the worst day of his life, but it wasn't, the day after was worse. But that wasn't the worse day of his life either, the day that followed was worse, and so was every day since that day. So today, two weeks later, was the worse day of Remus J. Lupin's life.
He knew that he was allowing his grief to seep into anything and anyone around him. Talking stopped when he entered a room, no one in the house had laughed in two weeks. Meal times were silent and dark. They watched him fearfully, waiting for the moment when he would break. He was waiting for that moment as well. He could feel it coming, mounting. He was in so much pain he couldn't even cry, as if he existed in a place where tears couldn't express what he was feeling. He suspected that some part of him was just waiting for the right time to die.
Years of grief were about to take their toll. The only thing that had made being a werewolf bearable was his four great friends, the four people that had loved him in spite of, and maybe because of, what he was. Then, years ago he had to carry on with the knowledge that James and his wife Lily had been betrayed by his lover, Sirius. Then Sirius had killed poor little Peter. He was forced to go on even though death would have been easier. Sirius spent years in Azkaban, then Remus learned he was innocent, and it was poor little Peter that had done those horrible things. Remus couldn't forgive himself for thinking such awful things of Sirius, but Sirius could and did. Now James and Lily were still dead, Peter was the traitor and he had lost Sirius all over again. It was more than he could stand. You could only die on the inside so many times.
He knew when the pain caught up with him he wouldn't be able to stand it, it would run threw him like an all consuming fire. He could feel himself pulling away. Pushing the pain and all that hurt farther and farther from the part of him that could still feel.
And he knew peace, in his numb cocoon of nothingness.
Molly stood near the stairs watching Remus. Something was wrong. His face was so blank, his eyes dull. He breathed slowly and gently, but it didn't seem natural.
"Tonks" she called, "bring me an owl. I need to write to Dumbledore."
Tonks looked at her; her eyes were red from crying "Molly, what is wrong with Remus? This isn't normal grieving! I...I don't want to lose him too."
Molly shivered with fear; Tonks had just spoken her very thoughts. "I don't know what to do, I also fear that we are losing Remus, but I can't stop it, I have to write Dumbledore."
Tonks nodded and ran to get her owl. When she returned Molly scribbled a quick note to Dumbledore begging for his help.
Not fifteen minutes after the owl had been sent there was a knock at the door. Molly ran over to get it, relived that help was here. Outside the door stood Dumbledore, and in his shadow, Snape.
"Molly, how good to see you! How is Arthur?" he said with a smile.
"He is fine Professor. Please come in, Remus is in the sitting room. I don't know that to do, he doesn't seem to even know I am here!" she said despairingly.
Dumbledore smiled comfortingly and made his way to the sitting room. When he came to Remus's side he bent down and stared into his eyes.
"Hello Remus" he said softly.
Remus did nothing for a moment then in a dead voice: "hello". He gave no sign that he recognized the speaker.
"Dear me, this can't do. This isn't you at all Remus." Dumbledore straightened up and walked back over to Molly and Snape.
"Oh Professor! What is wrong with him?" Molly begged.
Dumbledore didn't answer; he turned to Snape "Severus, would you be so kind as to set up the cauldron in the kitchen, you know what needs to be made so I'll leave you to it."
He turned back to Molly. "I am afraid that Remus has made a bad choice. He, faced with overwhelming pain, has decided to kill off the parts of him that can feel it. He has buried himself in a blanket if dead feelings. But so much of Remus is what he feels that I fear very little of him is left."
Molly turned white "what can we do?"
"We must awaken his grief and force him to feel the pain he hides from." He replied gravely.
Snape came back into the hall with a steaming goblet of some foul looking potion. "This should do the trick Professor."
Dumbledore took the potion and returned to Remus's side. "Here lad, drink this" he said softly.
Remus turned to him "What is it?" he asked, but even had Dumbledore said it would set his head on fire he wouldn't have blinked.
"It will help" was all Dumbledore said.
Remus took the goblet and sipped at it half heartedly. After he had finished the potion he turned to Dumbledore, a confused expression on his face. The little blood left in his skin soon drained away, leaving him pale and sickly.
"What have you done!" he whispered. It felt as if a fire burned in his heart. He could feel it melting the walls of ice he had created, bringing pain wherever it went. His breath came in swift gasps, Molly feared he would hyperventilate. He circled his arms around his stomach, tears poring down his checks. "What is happening to me?"
"You feel again. It hurts, I know it does. But pain means you live, Remus! Feel it, embrace it, then let it go!" Dumbledore cried passionately.
Remus slid out of his set, collapsing to his knees on the floor. "I can't let it go, he was the last! He was the last bit of me." He sobbed desperately.
Dumbledore gathered him into his arms, rocking him back and forward. Remus sat curled in his lap, sobbing against his chest like a broken child.
"How will I ever again be able to wake up, knowing that he isn't there? How will I be able to roll over in the morning only to find that I am alone? How can I face tomorrow's dawn?" His eyes turned up to Dumbledore, desperate for an answer.
"You go on because you owe it to him! Because you loved him it is now your duty to complete what he died doing! You live to protect Harry, Sirius's godchild. You must live, and fight Voldemort because Sirius isn't here to do it himself!" He spoke these words, staring into Remus's eyes. "As hard as it is, Sirius would have asked you to carry on."
Remus nodded. Sirius would have, and he knew it. "It would have been Sirius's wish, and so I shall fulfill it."
He stared into the fire and whispered to himself "and so I will face the sun that rises tomorrow, and the one after it, even without him by my side, until this task is done." He smiled to himself, an odd gleam in his eyes "but I'll make no promises after that."
(I'm sorry for the whole melodrama thing! I wrote it at 4:30 in the morning, so I've tried to go back and fix it. I'm thinking of a sequel called "When Tomorrow's Dawn Dies" about Remus going into the vial after Sirius but that might be a bit too emo.)
Remus Lupin sat in a huge, worn red chair by the fire. The house was silent even though nearly all of the Order was somewhere in the house. Remus knew they were being so quit because of him, but he couldn't find the energy to care. He couldn't seem to care about anything anymore.
He thought that the day Sirius had died was the worst day of his life, but it wasn't, the day after was worse. But that wasn't the worse day of his life either, the day that followed was worse, and so was every day since that day. So today, two weeks later, was the worse day of Remus J. Lupin's life.
He knew that he was allowing his grief to seep into anything and anyone around him. Talking stopped when he entered a room, no one in the house had laughed in two weeks. Meal times were silent and dark. They watched him fearfully, waiting for the moment when he would break. He was waiting for that moment as well. He could feel it coming, mounting. He was in so much pain he couldn't even cry, as if he existed in a place where tears couldn't express what he was feeling. He suspected that some part of him was just waiting for the right time to die.
Years of grief were about to take their toll. The only thing that had made being a werewolf bearable was his four great friends, the four people that had loved him in spite of, and maybe because of, what he was. Then, years ago he had to carry on with the knowledge that James and his wife Lily had been betrayed by his lover, Sirius. Then Sirius had killed poor little Peter. He was forced to go on even though death would have been easier. Sirius spent years in Azkaban, then Remus learned he was innocent, and it was poor little Peter that had done those horrible things. Remus couldn't forgive himself for thinking such awful things of Sirius, but Sirius could and did. Now James and Lily were still dead, Peter was the traitor and he had lost Sirius all over again. It was more than he could stand. You could only die on the inside so many times.
He knew when the pain caught up with him he wouldn't be able to stand it, it would run threw him like an all consuming fire. He could feel himself pulling away. Pushing the pain and all that hurt farther and farther from the part of him that could still feel.
And he knew peace, in his numb cocoon of nothingness.
Molly stood near the stairs watching Remus. Something was wrong. His face was so blank, his eyes dull. He breathed slowly and gently, but it didn't seem natural.
"Tonks" she called, "bring me an owl. I need to write to Dumbledore."
Tonks looked at her; her eyes were red from crying "Molly, what is wrong with Remus? This isn't normal grieving! I...I don't want to lose him too."
Molly shivered with fear; Tonks had just spoken her very thoughts. "I don't know what to do, I also fear that we are losing Remus, but I can't stop it, I have to write Dumbledore."
Tonks nodded and ran to get her owl. When she returned Molly scribbled a quick note to Dumbledore begging for his help.
Not fifteen minutes after the owl had been sent there was a knock at the door. Molly ran over to get it, relived that help was here. Outside the door stood Dumbledore, and in his shadow, Snape.
"Molly, how good to see you! How is Arthur?" he said with a smile.
"He is fine Professor. Please come in, Remus is in the sitting room. I don't know that to do, he doesn't seem to even know I am here!" she said despairingly.
Dumbledore smiled comfortingly and made his way to the sitting room. When he came to Remus's side he bent down and stared into his eyes.
"Hello Remus" he said softly.
Remus did nothing for a moment then in a dead voice: "hello". He gave no sign that he recognized the speaker.
"Dear me, this can't do. This isn't you at all Remus." Dumbledore straightened up and walked back over to Molly and Snape.
"Oh Professor! What is wrong with him?" Molly begged.
Dumbledore didn't answer; he turned to Snape "Severus, would you be so kind as to set up the cauldron in the kitchen, you know what needs to be made so I'll leave you to it."
He turned back to Molly. "I am afraid that Remus has made a bad choice. He, faced with overwhelming pain, has decided to kill off the parts of him that can feel it. He has buried himself in a blanket if dead feelings. But so much of Remus is what he feels that I fear very little of him is left."
Molly turned white "what can we do?"
"We must awaken his grief and force him to feel the pain he hides from." He replied gravely.
Snape came back into the hall with a steaming goblet of some foul looking potion. "This should do the trick Professor."
Dumbledore took the potion and returned to Remus's side. "Here lad, drink this" he said softly.
Remus turned to him "What is it?" he asked, but even had Dumbledore said it would set his head on fire he wouldn't have blinked.
"It will help" was all Dumbledore said.
Remus took the goblet and sipped at it half heartedly. After he had finished the potion he turned to Dumbledore, a confused expression on his face. The little blood left in his skin soon drained away, leaving him pale and sickly.
"What have you done!" he whispered. It felt as if a fire burned in his heart. He could feel it melting the walls of ice he had created, bringing pain wherever it went. His breath came in swift gasps, Molly feared he would hyperventilate. He circled his arms around his stomach, tears poring down his checks. "What is happening to me?"
"You feel again. It hurts, I know it does. But pain means you live, Remus! Feel it, embrace it, then let it go!" Dumbledore cried passionately.
Remus slid out of his set, collapsing to his knees on the floor. "I can't let it go, he was the last! He was the last bit of me." He sobbed desperately.
Dumbledore gathered him into his arms, rocking him back and forward. Remus sat curled in his lap, sobbing against his chest like a broken child.
"How will I ever again be able to wake up, knowing that he isn't there? How will I be able to roll over in the morning only to find that I am alone? How can I face tomorrow's dawn?" His eyes turned up to Dumbledore, desperate for an answer.
"You go on because you owe it to him! Because you loved him it is now your duty to complete what he died doing! You live to protect Harry, Sirius's godchild. You must live, and fight Voldemort because Sirius isn't here to do it himself!" He spoke these words, staring into Remus's eyes. "As hard as it is, Sirius would have asked you to carry on."
Remus nodded. Sirius would have, and he knew it. "It would have been Sirius's wish, and so I shall fulfill it."
He stared into the fire and whispered to himself "and so I will face the sun that rises tomorrow, and the one after it, even without him by my side, until this task is done." He smiled to himself, an odd gleam in his eyes "but I'll make no promises after that."
(I'm sorry for the whole melodrama thing! I wrote it at 4:30 in the morning, so I've tried to go back and fix it. I'm thinking of a sequel called "When Tomorrow's Dawn Dies" about Remus going into the vial after Sirius but that might be a bit too emo.)