Chapter 4

The winter here's cold, and bitter
it's chilled us to the bone
we haven't seen the sun for weeks
too long too far from home
I feel just like I'm sinking
and I claw for solid ground
I'm pulled down by the undertow
I never thought I could feel so low
oh darkness I feel like letting go

"Full of Grace," Sarah McLachlan

[December 11, 2001]

"CJ, come in. How are you?" the Vice President asked me as he ushered me into his office.

"I'm fine sir, and yourself?" I asked, sitting down in the offered chair.

"Not bad, not bad. I hear the trial went well?" he asked as he sat down behind his desk.

"The verdict was this morning, yes. There's still a sentencing hearing, but my understanding is that it's a formality. He's going to be in jail for at least 10 years, I'm told," I reply, nodding.

"Good." The reply sounded heartfelt and I smiled slightly. "So, what can I do for you?"

"Well, sir, I wanted to make sure we were all on the same page as far as the campaign goes. I've been asking everyone if there were any secrets I didn't know about- personal secrets, the kind that would create a problem if they became front page news. I'm not saying any of these secrets would be disclosed, although I can't promise that they'll just stay with me. I want to do the best I can to keep anything you tell me private, but I can't do that unless I have full disclosure. And I think we can all agree that above board is going to be the only way to run this campaign," I finished.

He nodded judiciously. "I agree. I don't have any secrets, CJ."

I swallowed. I had hoped he would just tell me about the card game and I wouldn't have to play the trump card Leo had given me. "Great. You wouldn't mind if I checked your FBI file then? I've gotten permission from everyone else to just peruse files and make sure everything is all copasetic."

"Why would you need to see my FBI file if you believe I'm telling you the truth," Hoynes asked slowly.

"Oh, I believe you're telling me the truth," I lied. "I just need to be completely certain of all the information I have."

His eyes narrowed, angry. My breath caught in the back of my throat, but I managed not to react visibly. "CJ, I don't know what you have heard, but I assure you, any secret I would need to divulge would have been disclosed during my campaign."

"I'm sure, sir. But your campaign didn't continue. I'm just ensuring that everything is covered here. It affects you as much as the rest of us," I said, trying for soothing.

He was silent. "You know it already."

"But you never said it," I replied softly.

"To you? No. Leo knew," he said. "Josh knew."

"And they never told anyone. I'm not even completely sure if Leo knew that Josh knew," I sighed. "The President does not know."

Hoynes blinked at me, looking surprised. "He doesn't?"

"No, sir," I said, shaking my head. "Leo assumed you would tell him, and then it would have been breaking confidentiality."

"You know about the card game," he said flatly.

"Leo told me about his involvement in the game. He did not tell me about anyone else in the game. I came to the conclusion that you were another participant on my own, based on other information." Which was true. I did figure it out on my own, Josh just confirmed my guess.

"Information from Josh," he said in the same flat tone.

"No, sir. I told Josh what I knew and he did not do anything more than confirm a hypothesis. I did not ask him for details." Although he'd given me some, and Hoynes had to realize that. "My information came from my own observations and what Leo told me about his involvement. I had already believed that there was a meeting before Leo told me."

"Are you telling the President?" he asked after a moment.

"I don't think it is my place to inform the President," I replied. "I will answer any direct question he asks me, however, but I will not hint to get the question. Leo also will not tell the President, for the same reason he would not tell me."

"Josh..."

"Won't say anything either," I interrupted.

"I see." He regarded me for a long time. I tried not to squirm under his gaze. Finally, he said, "Well, then I don't think there is anything more we need to discuss."

I didn't agree, but I was aware I was treading on thin ice. Besides, I was tired and wanted to go home. "If you say so, sir."

"I do. Did you drive over? Or can I have one of the drivers drop you somewhere? It's getting dark and starting to sleet," he said casually, as if we had been doing nothing more than chitchatting this whole time.

"Thank you, but I need to go over to the West Wing," I replied.

"Well, then I will see you later," he said, rising. "Janeane has your coat, right?"

I nodded. "Thank you for your time, sir,"

"You're welcome," he replied. His eyes didn't leave my back until I had shut the door. I retrieved my coat and walked down and out of the OEOB. Hoynes had been right. It was beginning to sleet. I jammed my hat on my head and walked across the street to meet Sam, Josh and Toby, who were taking me out to dinner to celebrate the verdict. I didn't feel much like celebrating, though. I just wanted to go home. It was going to be a long night and I didn't know if I could see the end of it, just then.

Staccato rhythm of my shoes on the sidewalk makes my head clearer. I'm free just now, freer than I've been in months. Why did I ever stop this? I can breathe now where I couldn't before. In and out, in and out in short little pants. Getting breathlessly dizzy, lightheaded. Into that world where colors are brighter and hazy, tinged with adrenaline and carbon dioxide. My steps take me away, far away, away from all the pain. I can't feel my hands, can barely feel my feet. I can't see right, and there are bands tightening around my chest. I keep going, cursing my self for being out of shape as the scenery whips by me in a blur. How could anyone expect me to stop doing this? I hit the wall and break through into the sharpness and clarity of pounding pavement and the sweet relief of endorphins. It's better than morphine, better than any painkiller I've ever had. I don't notice the sleet anymore, or the biting cold. I could go forever. I may have to. I don't know if I could stop right now even if I wanted to. And I don't know if I want to. I don't know if I want to keep trying right now. It's so very hard. I'm not paying attention to where I am, who's around me or anything just now. All that matters is the way my feet hit the ground and propel me forward. And I am starting to get scared of what I have done here tonight. Of what I'm jeopardizing. Of what I might be sacrificing. It's hard to know what to do now. How to stop this.

Panicking, I flail onward, not knowing where I'm going or what will stop me. There is suddenly a door in front of me. My hands are resting on it and I fall when it is unexpectedly opened. Hands grab me before I hit the ground and I can't see who they belong to. "Easy, now, kiddo. Easy." They lead me into a warm room and seat me. I look up and see Leo, and begin to cry. "Come on now, none of that. Just take a deep breath, CJ. It's all right."

"I didn't know how to stop," I gasped out. "I'm sorry."

"Nothing to be sorry for. You're here now, and you're safe." He looks at me a moment. "Sit tight, I'll be right back, ok?" I barely notice. "Ok, here we go." He bends down in front of me and says, "Look, CJ, I'm not getting fresh with you here, but you're soaked clear through and your hands are shaking so badly, I don't think you can do this yourself. So I'm going to help you, ok?" I spasm away from his hands as he touches the zipper on my jacket. "Come on, CJ. It's just me. I'm going to take your jacket off for you. You can do the rest, ok? Come on now, just relax." He undoes the zipper and I realize that I had thrown up all over myself without knowing. I start to mumble apologizes, and he replies gently, "It's all right. Not the first time I've done this." He peels me out of my jacket and tosses it onto the tile floor. "Ok, now. Can you get into these?" he asks, handing me a pair of track pants and a sweater. I nod shakily. "Ok, then. I'll be right back." I manage to strip out of my wet clothes and pull on the dry ones before he reemerges from another room with a towel. "Dry your hair off. I'm going to go run these through the washer," he directs me. I do as I'm told, half embarrassed, but half relieved. I'd run to the right place.

"Are you warming up?" I blinked confusedly up at Leo over the cup of hot chocolate he had pressed into my hands after bundling me up in blankets on his couch. "I can turn the heat up if you want," he continued.

"No. It's ok. I'm always cold anyway," I admitted. I'd been cold since July. Not even California had been able to melt the core of ice that resided somewhere behind my solar plexus.

"Yes, but your teeth are chattering, which is not good. You don't need hypothermia or pneumonia," Leo said wryly as he got up from his chair. "I'll turn the heat up."

"I'm not going to get pneumonia, Leo. You don't get pneumonia from running in the rain," I retorted.

"It was sleet, CJ, not rain. And I'm aware of that, but I also bet you're stressed enough that running in sleet won't help you any," he replied. "Drink your hot chocolate, you probably need calories as much as heat."

I made a face, but took a sip. "Thank you," I said, after a moment.

"You're welcome. Now, do you want to tell me what happened?" he asked gently.

"I don't know what happened," I said quietly.

"Ah. Well, what happened today? What could have set you off?" he asked.

I groaned. "Any of it, all of it."

"The verdict?" he asked.

I shook my head. "I don't know. I was there, yeah."

He nodded. "And then there was the meeting with Hoynes."

"You heard about that?" I asked tentatively.

"He called me as soon as you left his office to chew me out, yes," Leo replied. At my chagrined look he added, "Don't worry about it. I set him straight. I can't promise he won't give you any more trouble, but the President will know about it soon."

"I don't have to be there for that conversation, do I?" I asked, horrified.

"God, no. I don't even want to be there for that conversation, although I probably will be," he sighed. "What happened at dinner?"

"Nothing much. Josh complained about me not being hungry, Sam told him to lay off and eat his own meal and Toby just glowered at both of them and grumbled about being nowhere on the speech and wanting to go back to work. It was pretty typical, actually," I said, smiling slightly.

Leo rolled his eyes. "Then what happened?"

"I don't know," I sighed. "Josh took me home and went back to work. I got changed, I tried to sit down and watch tv, couldn't pay attention, wandered around my apartment, but couldn't sit down. I couldn't go into my kitchen. It's not even the same kitchen, I don't know why I couldn't just walk into the kitchen and get a glass of water. All I wanted was a glass of water. There wasn't a glass in the bathroom, or in my bedroom. And I could not get into the kitchen. I'd walk up to the doorway and not be able to step into the room. And I couldn't sit down. I was afraid I was going to break something, throw it or something. So I left, I guess."

Leo nodded. "It's all right, CJ. You're having a hell of a month, and you're doing incredibly well. It's hard, I know."

"I hate winter," I muttered.

"I know," Leo replied. "But you have to pick yourself up and keep going. It becomes spring, you know. And there is going to be another spring here in DC," he replies nodding.

"I know. I'm glad," I said, softly. I hadn't been at all sure that there would be another spring here even a few months ago.

"All right then." Leo looked about to say something else when his phone rang. Sighing, he got up to answer it. I pulled at the sweater sleeves, trying to make them cover my wrists. Leo and I weren't exactly the same size. His clothes were slightly too big, but the sweater wasn't long enough. I looked up as he came back into the room carrying his cordless phone. "It's Josh and he would like to talk to you. I told him I'd ask if it was all right." I bit my lip, but nodded. "All right, here." Leo handed me the phone and I sighed.

"Hi."

"Hi," Josh sounded tentative, as though he wasn't sure what to say.

"I'm fine," I said, in response to the question he wasn't going to ask.

"You're not, but I'm willing to let you pretend to be," he said with a sigh.

"I'll take it." I was too tired to hash it all out with him. I didn't even want to talk to Leo about it, but I was sitting in his living room wearing his clothes. That didn't exactly leave silence as an option.

Josh was silent a moment. I could almost hear him thinking how to phrase his next question. "Would you like me to come and get you?"

"I don't...want to come home just yet." I said, closing my eyes.

"How about a half hour. Then I'll come get you and if you still don't want to go home, we'll go somewhere else," Josh bargained.

"I guess." I didn't really care, honestly.

"All right. Let me talk to Leo, please," Josh said. I wordlessly handed the phone to Leo and watched him retreat to the kitchen to finish whatever conversation Josh and he wanted to have.

"He's going to come get you," Leo said. "You are, of course, welcome to stay as long as you like."

"It's late. I'm sure you have to get up early," I protested dully.

Leo shrugged. "Won't make tomorrow any different from any other day." He looked at me speculatively. "What's happening with your dad's house and all?"

I sighed. "The will says I get to dispose of his entire estate as I please except for two provisions. I guess I'm going to have to go out there and go through everything. There's not a lot of people to give things to, so most of it will wind up going to Goodwill. Or St. Vincent de Paul, more likely."

"When were you planning to do that?" Leo asked. I recognized his tone of voice. It was an attempt to be casual while concealing the fact that he had an idea.

"What is it, Leo," I said wearily.

"Well, I had wanted to give Josh an extra couple of days at Christmas, to head off any sort of problems he might have. I thought maybe you'd like a couple extra days as well. I'm sure we owe you some bereavement time yet. You and Josh can go to California and take care of your dad's things, if you like. It's not a job you want to do alone, believe me," Leo said.

"You want to ship me to California with Josh?" I asked, raising my eyebrows.

"If you didn't want to take care of your dad's things at Christmas, I understand, but I thought you might like the opportunity to do so before the primary season starts. Because then, it might be a year before you got to it," he pointed out.

"Yeah, but..."I trailed off. "Leo, I'm bringing my dad's car back. I already know that. I don't have any other way of getting it from Barstow to DC other than driving it. Well, no cost effective way, really. It's a five day drive, Leo. I don't think you could spare either of us that long," I explain.

"Sure I can. So long as you two were back by New Years, there would be no problem. I had planned on giving Josh the 20th through the 27th off. I can extend it a couple days, Lord knows he's got enough comp time," Leo said. "And your hours are what you say they are, so you can take as many days off that you want. It's not like you'll be in the Sahara Desert or something. They do have electricity and cellular service in Barstow, correct?" I nodded. "Then there's no reason you can't work from California if you felt like it. Plus, if you're driving, it would be much better if there was someone with you. A five day drive by yourself would not be prudent. And not to criticize your driving skills, which are fine, but Josh is a better winter driver than you are."

"True," I admitted. I hadn't really learned how to drive in the winter until I'd moved to Washington. I hadn't really needed to know until then.

"Besides, you don't have to do everything all in one go. You could just go out there and see what was there and make plans to take care of it later. I know you probably want the car, anyway," he said. Which was also true. I hadn't had a car since the summer when mine broke down and was irreparable. I'd just been too busy to put the money and time together to go get a new one. My dad's car was practically brand new, there was no point to not use it. He would not have wanted it to go to waste, I knew that for certain. I knew I could sell it, probably more easily than drive it across the country, but I liked my dad's car and, well, I just wanted it.

"Isn't Josh going to go home?" I asked.

"Josh doesn't celebrate Christmas, CJ," Leo reminded me.

"No kidding," I said, rolling my eyes. "He could still go home anyway."

"He could, but his mother wouldn't be there. Last I heard, Rachel had a trip to Canada planned with some friends. They wanted to see Niagara Falls in the winter, I hear," he replied.

"How do you know these things?" I muttered.

"Mallory," he said simply. "She talked to her mother, who had heard about the trip from Rachel. Plus, Josh mentioned that he was staying in DC over Christmas because his mother was going on a vacation."

I shook my head. No wonder all these people were such good net-workers, they all had decades of practice just within their families. "Mmm." A knock at the door interrupted any further statement I would have made. Leo smirked and got up to answer the door.

"Hey," Josh said, coming into the room and looking at me.

"Hi," I said, regarding him seriously. "I guess we're going to California."

He looked unsurprised, confirming a guess that this plan had been at least half his idea. "Are we?"

"Warmer there, anyway" I grumbled slightly, drinking the rest of my hot chocolate.

"Good." Leo said. "You guys can leave next week."

"How long are we going for?" Josh asked.

"If we leave the 20th, I'm sure we could be back here by New Years," I sigh. "We're going to have to drive back."

"Your dad's car?" Josh asked. I nodded, not bothering to ask how Josh knew I was going to want to take the car. "Ok, no problem," he said, catching the significant look Leo threw his way. "Sounds good to me. Donna will be jealous, though, you know," he said, smiling slightly.

"It's Barstow. It's hard to be jealous of that," I retorted, unwinding myself from the blankets. I glanced around, but didn't see my shoes. "Where are my shoes? For that matter, where are my clothes?"

"Your clothes are in the dryer. I can go get them for you, if you like. Your shoes are by the door," Leo said.

"Ok." I stood up, wobbled slightly and made my way to the door to put my shoes on. They were wet, and I managed to pull them on and tie them without shuddering too noticeably. Leo took the hint and left to pull my clothes out of his dryer.

Josh looked at me a moment, and held out his coat. "Put this on, that sweater won't be warm enough." He didn't comment about my clothes otherwise and we stood silently until Leo came back.

"They're not dry yet, but I figured you'd rather take them anyway," Leo said, finding a plastic bag to put them in.

"Yeah. I can throw them in the dryer at home," I said.

"Ok then." Leo looked at me seriously. "Call if you need something."

"Yeah," I said, shrugging into Josh's coat.

"See you tomorrow," Josh said, grabbing the bag of clothes. Leo nodded and Josh led me out of the townhouse and out to his car.