Author: GateSeeker2
Disclaimer: All necessary information is listed prior to Part 1
"Waiting for the Dawn" - Part 10
DING DONG!! KNOCK KNOCKETY KNOCK KNOCK pause KNOCK KNOCK
Jack O'Neill was lying on his sofa watching a hockey game while Cassie was sprawled out on the living room floor rug leafing through one of his astronomy books when they heard the familiar knocking on his door. Glancing at the clock on the mantle, he thought, 'She's nothing if not punctual.' It was 1900 hours on the dot. He got up and walked over to open the door.
"Carter." It was just a standard greeting, nothing special, just stating a fact.
"Sir." She replied in the same stoic sounding way, neither one ever giving more than was needed.
He noticed that she was holding one large paper brown sack and one smaller white plastic bag while clutching a six pack of ice cold Guinness. She also had a travel bag and a book bag slung over the same shoulder as her purse.
"Come in. I'm starved. I'll get the plates." He took the food and beer from her, turned and left her standing in the doorway.
She was a bit apprehensive about stepping into the house. As she entered the entryway and closed the door behind her, she could see Cassie lying on her stomach on the floor reading a book. Sam couldn't help but notice that Cassie was doing her best to avoid looking at her. Walking slowly down the few entry way steps and over to Cassie, Sam wasn't sure what to say.
"Hey, Cassie." No response
"Reading one of the Colonel's astronomy books?" Still no response.
"Look, I found your school books on the desk in your room. I know that even though you were out all week that you managed to stay up on your school work, but since your starting classes again tomorrow I thought that you might need them." Sam held out the book bag hoping Cassie would take it. Nothing. So she just set it down beside Cassie.
"Oh hey, I also thought that if you're going to stay here for a few days that I would bring some more clothes and personal things over for you." Absolutely nothing – no response whatsoever, Cassie was silent. Sam was crushed. Obviously Cassie was taking avoidance lessons from the Colonel. Sam set the travel bag down by the book bag and seated herself on the edge of the sofa, "Cassie, talk to me. Please?" She pleaded.
This time Cassie reacted. Cassie slowly raised her head and stared into Sam's eyes. Sam was surprised by how much hurt, anger, and distrust there was in the young woman's eyes. "I don't know if I can talk to you Sam." The tone was harsh, distant, and flat. There was no mistaking the message.
Sam was just about to say something, just what she didn't really know, when the Colonel appeared at the entry steps.
"Dinner is served." He stated in his most elegant sounding maître d' voice, and then he quickly followed it with his chuck wagon cowboy voice, "Come an' get it." He headed back into the dinning room.
The meal passed quietly. No one spoke. The tension was so thick it was suffocating. Cassie stared at her plate the entire time. Sam tried glancing up at Cassie numerous times but seemed fearful of actually making eye contact with her. Jack sat and ate and watched. He couldn't take any more silence.
"Carter. Thanks for bringing the beer. Good choice of food too. Did you go to that new place on Elm street?"
"Yes, Sir."
"We should have had Danny and T over too, since it looks like you brought a little bit of everything." Jack was definitely pleased with the menu choices.
"Well, Sir, I know that you're partial to lo mein noodles and chicken as well as sesame chicken and fried rice, but I wasn't sure what you wanted. I knew Cassie liked sweet and sour chicken with steamed rice, and I really like the sauce that comes with the broccoli and beef." Sam simply stated.
"Ah yes, but don't forget the most important part about the broccoli..." he paused until he had Cassie's and Sam's attention, "...they look like little trees." He said animatedly intentionally trying to lighten the mood. Sam and Cassie couldn't help but grin at Jack's antics as he had proudly declared his fact and then proceeded to pop a broccoli floret from Carter's plate into his mouth with the chopsticks then grinned widely.
The meal was nearing its conclusion. And still Sam and Cassie had sat quietly avoiding one another. All three had stuffed themselves silly, even though Sam and Cassie weren't too hungry. Anxiety had a way of suppressing one's appetite. Jack chose now to dictate the proceedings that were to follow.
"OK. I've had enough of this." Jack stated confidently and sternly as he tossed his napkin onto the table. His voice almost approached "Colonel mode" but it was somewhat kinder – more like "father mode." "Cassie." She knew that he wanted her attention so she looked up. "I love you. You know that." He took a brief moment to scratch his head as he searched for his next words. "And, you also know that you're free to stay here as long as you like. However, you can't stay here and hide from whatever it is that is going on between you and Carter." Cassie started to protest but Jack quickly put his hands up to forestall any complaint, "Ah ah ah... You're almost eighteen, and although you've already had enough disappointment to last a lifetime, like it or not, you need to learn to handle this. So...you and Carter WILL talk, and you WILL resolve this...," he waved his hand slightly unsure of what exactly was going on with Cassie and Sam, "...whatever IT is. And you WILL act responsibly." He paused then grabbed several of the remaining food cartons. Jack looked at Sam who had also been watching him wide eyed with unhidden respect. "Carter, I don't know exactly what transpired between the two of you. But deal with it." He rose and walked into the kitchen.
Sam couldn't believe how differently he spoke to her. To Cassie he was firm yet loving, but to her, he was just blunt and dismissive. Of course, it wasn't exactly unfamiliar to her. She was used to being the good little second-in-command always following his orders, often without question or hesitation. But while the three of them were sitting there eating dinner, it had felt – strained yes – but nice and somewhat like a family. It had felt right despite the obvious discomfort between her and Cassie.
Jack had deposited the leftovers in the refrigerator and grabbed a couple of cold beers. He stopped briefly by the dining room table. "OK, If you need me, which I'm sure you won't, I'm gonna' be up on the roof star gazing. You two do the dishes." And he left.
He left them sitting there, just sitting, still not talking, still silent, still unsure of what to say to the other.
After several minutes of heavy silence, Sam began. Her voice was shaky and uncertain, "Cassie...I...I'm...sorry...I didn't know that Pete was coming into town Friday night." She stopped and attempted to gage Cassie's reaction. There was no reaction. 'Cassie is as bad as the Colonel,' she thought. "Listen, I wasn't expecting him. If I had known he was planning on surprising me...I would have warned you...I would have told you about him coming..." Sam slumped down into her chair, stretched out her legs out under the table, crossed her arms over her chest, closed her eyes, and sighed. "I apologize for not having told you about him before now. I should have, and I'm sorry, but...I...well...I understand if you want to stay with the Colonel for a few days. But please know, I miss you and want you to come home with me." She really was at a loss for what to say now, so she simply remained quiet.
The silence persisted for a while.
"Sam."
She jerked her head up eager to hear what Cassie wanted to say, "Yeah?"
"I'm sorry too. I don't have a right to butt into your life." Cassie started timidly but strained.
"Cassie, you're not butting...." Sam was shocked by Cassie's statement.
"No, it's YOUR life. You're an ADULT. You have every right to be SECRETIVE and hide things from your friends. And, you can certainly SLEEP with whoever you want no matter how much is messes up your life AND hurts others." Cassie was sounding more bitter and sarcastic with every word which continued to surprise Sam.
"Cassie!"
"No Sam! You wanted to talk so we're talking!" Cassie was staring wildly into Sam's eyes. "I'm sorry if you don't like what I'm saying. But, I thought I KNEW you. I thought you would talk to ME...talk to mom...about the IMPORTANT things in your life. But I guess I was wrong. We're just not as close as I had thought, or hoped." Cassie had started busily and haphazardly picking up the dirty dishes and now was heading into the kitchen to place the dishes in the sink.
Sam was following her closely. "Cassie, please, understand." Sam entreated. "I wasn't keeping it from you...necessarily... I just didn't know when...," or 'if' she thought, "...I would let anyone know."
"SG1 knew. Didn't they?" Cassie sounded hurt and left out.
"Well, no, not really. I mean they knew that I had started dating Pete, but...." Sam stopped not knowing how to continue.
"But what?" She spun around to face Sam, "They didn't know you were INVOLVED SEXUALLY with him?" Cassie drew her words out hatefully.
Sam just stared at Cassie. Where was that sweet young girl? She hadn't seen this attitude since Cassie's sixteenth birthday when Cassie was so ugly and unappreciative towards Janet. Cassie knew exactly what she was doing, then and now. However, back then she was at least under the influence of Nirti's experiment, but now, she was lashing out at Sam, under her own resolve, and trying to hurt her, humiliate her. Sam had tried to be nice, and understanding, and consoling, but Sam had had enough of this little girl. If this girl wanted to play in the big leagues then that was fine with her.
Standing erect with shoulders held back, Sam began. "OK fine! You win!" Sam's words began to take on their own power and venom. "You want me to apologize for not telling you – FINE! I apologize. I apologize if Pete startled you yesterday morning. I even APOLOGIZE to you for not having told Janet, but I can't undo what has been done. Besides, I do NOT have to define or justify MY actions to you or anyone else. Understood? I am a grown woman. You however are still a child. I'm sorry if you can't handle the fact that I'm seeing someone, yes sexually, but I am NOT planning to stop seeing him. Pete's fun. He's sweet and charming and cares about me. So, you will just have to get used to it!" Sam finished shouting at Cassie as she would to a young Academy cadet, then she just stood there eyeing Cassie almost daring her to say something in reply.
Cassie was taken back by Sam's outburst; she had never really seen Sam react this way. Now Cassie was hurt, Sam's words were spoken fiercely, but in reality they were not as vicious as Cassie's own previous words. Sam and Cassie just stood there staring at each other, both determined. It was quite a contrasting picture. These two females standing by the kitchen sink were locked in a fierce harsh unyielding gaze that was filled with uncertainty as the night air wafted gently through the open window. The caressing breeze did little to soothe their heightened emotions. It was a test of wills to see who would flinch first. Cassie wasn't about to turn away, but her eyes started to tear up and she was determined not to let Sam see her cry. So, Cassie was the first to break eye contact.
"Cassie, what is this really about?" Sam tried to sound softer. "What is really upsetting you?"
Cassie wasn't ready to give in, but she wasn't wanting to prolong this either. Sam had to understand how her actions was hurting everyone. "Sam, why him?" Sam could hear Cassie's sobs. "Why now?"
Sam shook her head slightly. That was a good question, 'Why now,' she thought to herself. After seven years, why now? "Pete's a...nice man." Sam was uncertain how to phrase it exactly. "But...I guess...I was just tired of being...alone."
"Alone?!" Cassie couldn't believe that this was Sam's excuse. Lots of people were alone.
"Yes, ALONE!" Sam snapped, "I don't want to be alone anymore. I have been by myself for so long...."
"So?! A lot of people are alone. Daniel! Jack! They're alone! Besides Sam, you're NOT alone. You have us!" Cassie was trying hard to win this argument.
Sam knew she had to try again, "Cassie I know I have you, but I want to...be held Cassie." How did Sam dare tell Cassie how she truly felt? "I'm tired of being alone AND tired of.... I AM a woman Cassie and I'm tired of having to always be a strong soldier, always being just one of the guys, tired of being expected to always have the right answers to save the planet, tired of crying myself to sleep, tired of wanting someone to share a somewhat normal life with, tired of ignoring what I want, tired of not being able to be with the man that I...." Sam was rapidly listing her reasons for pursuing a relationship with Pete until she suddenly realized what she was about to say; then she clamped down on her words before she allowed herself to say more.
As Sam's words quickly halted, Cassie saw a chance to hurt Sam again. "Oh, so the first guy that comes along is the one you jump into bed with for a quickie just so you won't be ALONE?! And I suppose now that mom's dead and I feel ALONE, I guess I should just go find myself a stud then! And all will be right with the world. Is that what you're saying Sam?" Cassie sounded so smug.
Sam looked dumbfounded with her eyes as wide as they could open, but only briefly, from Cassie's sarcastic attack because she felt as stunned as if she had been physically slapped. It was as if Cassie hadn't even heard Sam's heartfelt admission. Shaking her head, Sam turned to finish tending to the dishes in the sink. She needed to do something in order to refocus her mind. How could Cassie think that about her? But, in truth, Pete was the first guy with whom Sam had tried to allow herself to open up and be vulnerable. Narim was nice but the timing was wrong. Martouf was nice but he sort of creeped her out because she had memories of him and Jolinar together. Joe was nice but she had barely gotten to know him. Orlin was nice but really a bit too clinging. McKay was nice, OK he wasn't nice, but he was just plain irritating. There hadn't been too many others. Oh there was the occasional, or more precisely rare, date here and there for a nice dinner, only, mainly with non SGC associated men, but nothing beyond that. And now, here was Pete. He was nice, but he wasn't the.... Oh brother, how were they supposed to resolve this? Cassie just kept staring at Sam with a smug look that evidently declared her victory at having shut Sam up.
"So? I'm waiting Sam!" She spit.
Sam's heart was heavy. But she refused to cry. How could Cassie even begin to understand? How could Sam ever possibly expect to share her deepest thoughts and feelings with Cassie now? How could she make her understand how she truly had longed to have someone to love her – heart, mind, soul, and body. Of course, with Pete she had merely settled for body. Perhaps Cassie was right. As Sam continued to rinse the few plates, glasses, and flatware clean and put them in the dishwasher her tears began to form despite all of her best efforts. Sam simply let out the deepest of sighs – bone weary and heart heavy. "I didn't realize you could be so cruel, Cassie." Sam inhaled a sharp breath. "I love you so much. I would never intentionally hurt you. But at least the hurt I caused was by accident, yours is purposeful."
Now it was Cassie's turn to stand wide eyed. She hadn't expected this. No, that's not true; she had wanted to hurt her, but she didn't expect that she actually would. "Sam...," Cassie tried sweetly, "aaaaah...I'm sorry...I ...ah...."
"No your not." Sam did her best to neutralize the hurt in her voice but failed miserably. "You're not sorry at all. You wanted to hurt me. You wanted to make me feel badly about seeing Pete and for keeping this from you – WHY - I don't know? But you know EXACTLY what you're doing." Sam put the soap in the dishwasher when she noticed it was full, probably from dishes used earlier today, and engaged the machine to cycle on delayed timer. She turned to leave the kitchen without looking at Cassie and said, "Maybe it is good that you stay with Colonel O'Neill for a few days. It'll do us both some good to cool off." Sam headed to the dining room to gather her jacket and purse that she had left on her chair with the purpose of leaving when she realized Cassie was directly behind her. Sam had barely reached the kitchen/dining room doorway when Cassie yelled out causing Sam to jump slightly.
"Jack!"
"What?" Sam turned around with a very confused expression plastered on her face.
"Jack!" She yelled again. "His name is JACK! Why can't you EVER call him that?" Cassie stared into Sam's eyes genuinely seeking an answer to a question that had plagued her for years. "Why can't you ever be Jack and Sam, just Jack and just Sam - together?"
Sam stared back. So this is it. Sam had expected this was what Cassie had been alluding to during her outburst yesterday morning, but she dismissed it as impossibility. After all, how could Cassie know? Suspect maybe. But, Sam wasn't planning on dealing with this – not today.
Actually, she had never truly anticipated being allowed to ever open that door to the room where her deepest admissions of caring and longing resided – no matter how much she might want to. But now, Sam was staring into the face of a young girl who was holding tightly to her dreams of fairy tale romance, true love, happy endings and the belief that if you just loved someone enough that every cloud would have a silver lining. This young girl was secretly hoping for two people whom she loved to one day admit their love for one another. Cassie wasn't as upset with Sam being with Pete as much as she was that Sam wasn't with Jack.
"You know why Cassie." It was with a sad resignation that Sam uttered those words.
"NO! NO, I DON'T!" Cassie stomped back into the kitchen with Sam trailing behind her. "I don't know why two people who care about each other so much can't find a way to be together." Cassie was now speaking with wisdom. "Even off duty you still call him Colonel or constantly "Sir" him to death. I'm sick of it!"
"Cassie. We're never off duty. The military life is always..."
"So? Mom would call him Jack sometimes. What do you think will happen if you call him Jack, or if he calls you Sam?" Cassie was earnestly searching for answers. "Huh? What?!"
"There are rules and regulations that prohibit...." Sam began the tried and true explanation for her behavior. When did the regulation manual become so heavy and burdensome?
"Oh I'm sick of that too! That's the same lame answer that mom used to give me for you two not being together. I can't stand how you hide behind those rules and use them as an excuse."
"It's not an excuse! I have sworn my allegiance to following and upholding those rules Cassie, and I understand their place within military structure and I will do my best to...."
"But at what cost? You're sacrificing your own happiness Sam. And Jack's!" Cassie definitely had Sam's attention now. "You know, for several years now, all I have wanted to do was join the Air Force like you and mom so that I can become apart of the SGC and help fight against the Goa'uld, but I know now that I NEVER want to be apart of something that dictates to me whom I can and can't love. Life is too short Sam!"
Sam couldn't believe what she was hearing. "Well, that's your choice. But you don't have all the facts. You don't know what you're talking about. Colonel O'Neill doesn't feel..."
"Oh my gosh! I can't believe you!" Cassie was now smiling wildly at Sam. "You can't even admit it to yourself, can you?"
Sam just looked away.
"It's SO obvious. He LOVES you and you can't even admit it." Cassie was going in for the kill. "Sam, don't you love Jack anymore?"
Sam looked back at Cassie and mustered all of her strength, "I love all of SG1; we're like a family. You know that."
"Yeah, but you're in love with Jack. And you're messing everything up." Cassie was right. "You're hurting him you know? I can tell. He'd never tell you, but he is." Cassie knew that there was not going to be any resolution on this issue until Jack and Sam were free to admit their feelings without fearing regulations. She just hoped that Pete was going to be just a "ship passing in the night" and wouldn't spoil their chance. Cassie was determined to not lose this hope. Jack had told her yesterday to hang on to hope with all of her strength and that was just what she was planning on doing – no matter how bleak it might seem today. However, she was at least glad that she and Sam had talked, fought, argued, and came to some sort of acceptance.
Sam couldn't admit it, but Cassie wouldn't confront her with it again.
"I'm really sorry Sam." Cassie sighed heavily feeling very drained. "Really, I am. Guess you're right. It might do us both some good for me to stay here a few days. Anyway, I think Jack needs me right now." Cassie thought briefly about what to do and then moved over to Sam for a hug. Sam embraced her readily. Cassie spoke softly, "I love you so much Sam. Maybe we can talk, really talk, some more...later. And, I promise I'll come home in a few days." 'Home,' that sounded strange to Cassie; she had a new home, and it was now with Sam. "It's just what with mom dying...and Jack getting hurt too...I just want you both to be happy Sam - together."
Sam stroked Cassie's hair lovingly while hugging her as Sam remembered her own mother had done to her when she was a child and was upset. "That's not going to happen Cass."
Cassie pulled away from Sam and looked deeply into Sam's sad eyes, "Too bad," Cassie sighed, "because you'd be great together." Then Cassie walked out of the kitchen to the living room to retrieve the bags that Sam had brought over before heading into the guest bedroom for the remaining evening.
Leaning heavily against the kitchen door frame, Sam watched Cassie walk down the hallway. Closing her eyes tightly in order to stem the tears that were welling up in her heart and threatened to flow down her cheeks, Sam was now left to her own thoughts, 'We already are great together.'
To Be Continued...
NOTE: Well, here is one of the conversations that so many of you have expressed eagerness in reading. I hope that you won't be disappointed. Cassie was fun to write. Teenage girls have a unique perspective, and fighting style, all their own. There's still plenty more to come if you care to stick around some more. I'm still enjoying writing this story. Oh, thanks so much for overwhelming response for Part 9. I was so surprised, not to mention genuinely humbled to think that so many of you are taking the time to read my work. WOW!!
If you liked it Part 10, or if you didn't like it, please let me know. Thanks for reading.
Disclaimer: All necessary information is listed prior to Part 1
"Waiting for the Dawn" - Part 10
DING DONG!! KNOCK KNOCKETY KNOCK KNOCK pause KNOCK KNOCK
Jack O'Neill was lying on his sofa watching a hockey game while Cassie was sprawled out on the living room floor rug leafing through one of his astronomy books when they heard the familiar knocking on his door. Glancing at the clock on the mantle, he thought, 'She's nothing if not punctual.' It was 1900 hours on the dot. He got up and walked over to open the door.
"Carter." It was just a standard greeting, nothing special, just stating a fact.
"Sir." She replied in the same stoic sounding way, neither one ever giving more than was needed.
He noticed that she was holding one large paper brown sack and one smaller white plastic bag while clutching a six pack of ice cold Guinness. She also had a travel bag and a book bag slung over the same shoulder as her purse.
"Come in. I'm starved. I'll get the plates." He took the food and beer from her, turned and left her standing in the doorway.
She was a bit apprehensive about stepping into the house. As she entered the entryway and closed the door behind her, she could see Cassie lying on her stomach on the floor reading a book. Sam couldn't help but notice that Cassie was doing her best to avoid looking at her. Walking slowly down the few entry way steps and over to Cassie, Sam wasn't sure what to say.
"Hey, Cassie." No response
"Reading one of the Colonel's astronomy books?" Still no response.
"Look, I found your school books on the desk in your room. I know that even though you were out all week that you managed to stay up on your school work, but since your starting classes again tomorrow I thought that you might need them." Sam held out the book bag hoping Cassie would take it. Nothing. So she just set it down beside Cassie.
"Oh hey, I also thought that if you're going to stay here for a few days that I would bring some more clothes and personal things over for you." Absolutely nothing – no response whatsoever, Cassie was silent. Sam was crushed. Obviously Cassie was taking avoidance lessons from the Colonel. Sam set the travel bag down by the book bag and seated herself on the edge of the sofa, "Cassie, talk to me. Please?" She pleaded.
This time Cassie reacted. Cassie slowly raised her head and stared into Sam's eyes. Sam was surprised by how much hurt, anger, and distrust there was in the young woman's eyes. "I don't know if I can talk to you Sam." The tone was harsh, distant, and flat. There was no mistaking the message.
Sam was just about to say something, just what she didn't really know, when the Colonel appeared at the entry steps.
"Dinner is served." He stated in his most elegant sounding maître d' voice, and then he quickly followed it with his chuck wagon cowboy voice, "Come an' get it." He headed back into the dinning room.
The meal passed quietly. No one spoke. The tension was so thick it was suffocating. Cassie stared at her plate the entire time. Sam tried glancing up at Cassie numerous times but seemed fearful of actually making eye contact with her. Jack sat and ate and watched. He couldn't take any more silence.
"Carter. Thanks for bringing the beer. Good choice of food too. Did you go to that new place on Elm street?"
"Yes, Sir."
"We should have had Danny and T over too, since it looks like you brought a little bit of everything." Jack was definitely pleased with the menu choices.
"Well, Sir, I know that you're partial to lo mein noodles and chicken as well as sesame chicken and fried rice, but I wasn't sure what you wanted. I knew Cassie liked sweet and sour chicken with steamed rice, and I really like the sauce that comes with the broccoli and beef." Sam simply stated.
"Ah yes, but don't forget the most important part about the broccoli..." he paused until he had Cassie's and Sam's attention, "...they look like little trees." He said animatedly intentionally trying to lighten the mood. Sam and Cassie couldn't help but grin at Jack's antics as he had proudly declared his fact and then proceeded to pop a broccoli floret from Carter's plate into his mouth with the chopsticks then grinned widely.
The meal was nearing its conclusion. And still Sam and Cassie had sat quietly avoiding one another. All three had stuffed themselves silly, even though Sam and Cassie weren't too hungry. Anxiety had a way of suppressing one's appetite. Jack chose now to dictate the proceedings that were to follow.
"OK. I've had enough of this." Jack stated confidently and sternly as he tossed his napkin onto the table. His voice almost approached "Colonel mode" but it was somewhat kinder – more like "father mode." "Cassie." She knew that he wanted her attention so she looked up. "I love you. You know that." He took a brief moment to scratch his head as he searched for his next words. "And, you also know that you're free to stay here as long as you like. However, you can't stay here and hide from whatever it is that is going on between you and Carter." Cassie started to protest but Jack quickly put his hands up to forestall any complaint, "Ah ah ah... You're almost eighteen, and although you've already had enough disappointment to last a lifetime, like it or not, you need to learn to handle this. So...you and Carter WILL talk, and you WILL resolve this...," he waved his hand slightly unsure of what exactly was going on with Cassie and Sam, "...whatever IT is. And you WILL act responsibly." He paused then grabbed several of the remaining food cartons. Jack looked at Sam who had also been watching him wide eyed with unhidden respect. "Carter, I don't know exactly what transpired between the two of you. But deal with it." He rose and walked into the kitchen.
Sam couldn't believe how differently he spoke to her. To Cassie he was firm yet loving, but to her, he was just blunt and dismissive. Of course, it wasn't exactly unfamiliar to her. She was used to being the good little second-in-command always following his orders, often without question or hesitation. But while the three of them were sitting there eating dinner, it had felt – strained yes – but nice and somewhat like a family. It had felt right despite the obvious discomfort between her and Cassie.
Jack had deposited the leftovers in the refrigerator and grabbed a couple of cold beers. He stopped briefly by the dining room table. "OK, If you need me, which I'm sure you won't, I'm gonna' be up on the roof star gazing. You two do the dishes." And he left.
He left them sitting there, just sitting, still not talking, still silent, still unsure of what to say to the other.
After several minutes of heavy silence, Sam began. Her voice was shaky and uncertain, "Cassie...I...I'm...sorry...I didn't know that Pete was coming into town Friday night." She stopped and attempted to gage Cassie's reaction. There was no reaction. 'Cassie is as bad as the Colonel,' she thought. "Listen, I wasn't expecting him. If I had known he was planning on surprising me...I would have warned you...I would have told you about him coming..." Sam slumped down into her chair, stretched out her legs out under the table, crossed her arms over her chest, closed her eyes, and sighed. "I apologize for not having told you about him before now. I should have, and I'm sorry, but...I...well...I understand if you want to stay with the Colonel for a few days. But please know, I miss you and want you to come home with me." She really was at a loss for what to say now, so she simply remained quiet.
The silence persisted for a while.
"Sam."
She jerked her head up eager to hear what Cassie wanted to say, "Yeah?"
"I'm sorry too. I don't have a right to butt into your life." Cassie started timidly but strained.
"Cassie, you're not butting...." Sam was shocked by Cassie's statement.
"No, it's YOUR life. You're an ADULT. You have every right to be SECRETIVE and hide things from your friends. And, you can certainly SLEEP with whoever you want no matter how much is messes up your life AND hurts others." Cassie was sounding more bitter and sarcastic with every word which continued to surprise Sam.
"Cassie!"
"No Sam! You wanted to talk so we're talking!" Cassie was staring wildly into Sam's eyes. "I'm sorry if you don't like what I'm saying. But, I thought I KNEW you. I thought you would talk to ME...talk to mom...about the IMPORTANT things in your life. But I guess I was wrong. We're just not as close as I had thought, or hoped." Cassie had started busily and haphazardly picking up the dirty dishes and now was heading into the kitchen to place the dishes in the sink.
Sam was following her closely. "Cassie, please, understand." Sam entreated. "I wasn't keeping it from you...necessarily... I just didn't know when...," or 'if' she thought, "...I would let anyone know."
"SG1 knew. Didn't they?" Cassie sounded hurt and left out.
"Well, no, not really. I mean they knew that I had started dating Pete, but...." Sam stopped not knowing how to continue.
"But what?" She spun around to face Sam, "They didn't know you were INVOLVED SEXUALLY with him?" Cassie drew her words out hatefully.
Sam just stared at Cassie. Where was that sweet young girl? She hadn't seen this attitude since Cassie's sixteenth birthday when Cassie was so ugly and unappreciative towards Janet. Cassie knew exactly what she was doing, then and now. However, back then she was at least under the influence of Nirti's experiment, but now, she was lashing out at Sam, under her own resolve, and trying to hurt her, humiliate her. Sam had tried to be nice, and understanding, and consoling, but Sam had had enough of this little girl. If this girl wanted to play in the big leagues then that was fine with her.
Standing erect with shoulders held back, Sam began. "OK fine! You win!" Sam's words began to take on their own power and venom. "You want me to apologize for not telling you – FINE! I apologize. I apologize if Pete startled you yesterday morning. I even APOLOGIZE to you for not having told Janet, but I can't undo what has been done. Besides, I do NOT have to define or justify MY actions to you or anyone else. Understood? I am a grown woman. You however are still a child. I'm sorry if you can't handle the fact that I'm seeing someone, yes sexually, but I am NOT planning to stop seeing him. Pete's fun. He's sweet and charming and cares about me. So, you will just have to get used to it!" Sam finished shouting at Cassie as she would to a young Academy cadet, then she just stood there eyeing Cassie almost daring her to say something in reply.
Cassie was taken back by Sam's outburst; she had never really seen Sam react this way. Now Cassie was hurt, Sam's words were spoken fiercely, but in reality they were not as vicious as Cassie's own previous words. Sam and Cassie just stood there staring at each other, both determined. It was quite a contrasting picture. These two females standing by the kitchen sink were locked in a fierce harsh unyielding gaze that was filled with uncertainty as the night air wafted gently through the open window. The caressing breeze did little to soothe their heightened emotions. It was a test of wills to see who would flinch first. Cassie wasn't about to turn away, but her eyes started to tear up and she was determined not to let Sam see her cry. So, Cassie was the first to break eye contact.
"Cassie, what is this really about?" Sam tried to sound softer. "What is really upsetting you?"
Cassie wasn't ready to give in, but she wasn't wanting to prolong this either. Sam had to understand how her actions was hurting everyone. "Sam, why him?" Sam could hear Cassie's sobs. "Why now?"
Sam shook her head slightly. That was a good question, 'Why now,' she thought to herself. After seven years, why now? "Pete's a...nice man." Sam was uncertain how to phrase it exactly. "But...I guess...I was just tired of being...alone."
"Alone?!" Cassie couldn't believe that this was Sam's excuse. Lots of people were alone.
"Yes, ALONE!" Sam snapped, "I don't want to be alone anymore. I have been by myself for so long...."
"So?! A lot of people are alone. Daniel! Jack! They're alone! Besides Sam, you're NOT alone. You have us!" Cassie was trying hard to win this argument.
Sam knew she had to try again, "Cassie I know I have you, but I want to...be held Cassie." How did Sam dare tell Cassie how she truly felt? "I'm tired of being alone AND tired of.... I AM a woman Cassie and I'm tired of having to always be a strong soldier, always being just one of the guys, tired of being expected to always have the right answers to save the planet, tired of crying myself to sleep, tired of wanting someone to share a somewhat normal life with, tired of ignoring what I want, tired of not being able to be with the man that I...." Sam was rapidly listing her reasons for pursuing a relationship with Pete until she suddenly realized what she was about to say; then she clamped down on her words before she allowed herself to say more.
As Sam's words quickly halted, Cassie saw a chance to hurt Sam again. "Oh, so the first guy that comes along is the one you jump into bed with for a quickie just so you won't be ALONE?! And I suppose now that mom's dead and I feel ALONE, I guess I should just go find myself a stud then! And all will be right with the world. Is that what you're saying Sam?" Cassie sounded so smug.
Sam looked dumbfounded with her eyes as wide as they could open, but only briefly, from Cassie's sarcastic attack because she felt as stunned as if she had been physically slapped. It was as if Cassie hadn't even heard Sam's heartfelt admission. Shaking her head, Sam turned to finish tending to the dishes in the sink. She needed to do something in order to refocus her mind. How could Cassie think that about her? But, in truth, Pete was the first guy with whom Sam had tried to allow herself to open up and be vulnerable. Narim was nice but the timing was wrong. Martouf was nice but he sort of creeped her out because she had memories of him and Jolinar together. Joe was nice but she had barely gotten to know him. Orlin was nice but really a bit too clinging. McKay was nice, OK he wasn't nice, but he was just plain irritating. There hadn't been too many others. Oh there was the occasional, or more precisely rare, date here and there for a nice dinner, only, mainly with non SGC associated men, but nothing beyond that. And now, here was Pete. He was nice, but he wasn't the.... Oh brother, how were they supposed to resolve this? Cassie just kept staring at Sam with a smug look that evidently declared her victory at having shut Sam up.
"So? I'm waiting Sam!" She spit.
Sam's heart was heavy. But she refused to cry. How could Cassie even begin to understand? How could Sam ever possibly expect to share her deepest thoughts and feelings with Cassie now? How could she make her understand how she truly had longed to have someone to love her – heart, mind, soul, and body. Of course, with Pete she had merely settled for body. Perhaps Cassie was right. As Sam continued to rinse the few plates, glasses, and flatware clean and put them in the dishwasher her tears began to form despite all of her best efforts. Sam simply let out the deepest of sighs – bone weary and heart heavy. "I didn't realize you could be so cruel, Cassie." Sam inhaled a sharp breath. "I love you so much. I would never intentionally hurt you. But at least the hurt I caused was by accident, yours is purposeful."
Now it was Cassie's turn to stand wide eyed. She hadn't expected this. No, that's not true; she had wanted to hurt her, but she didn't expect that she actually would. "Sam...," Cassie tried sweetly, "aaaaah...I'm sorry...I ...ah...."
"No your not." Sam did her best to neutralize the hurt in her voice but failed miserably. "You're not sorry at all. You wanted to hurt me. You wanted to make me feel badly about seeing Pete and for keeping this from you – WHY - I don't know? But you know EXACTLY what you're doing." Sam put the soap in the dishwasher when she noticed it was full, probably from dishes used earlier today, and engaged the machine to cycle on delayed timer. She turned to leave the kitchen without looking at Cassie and said, "Maybe it is good that you stay with Colonel O'Neill for a few days. It'll do us both some good to cool off." Sam headed to the dining room to gather her jacket and purse that she had left on her chair with the purpose of leaving when she realized Cassie was directly behind her. Sam had barely reached the kitchen/dining room doorway when Cassie yelled out causing Sam to jump slightly.
"Jack!"
"What?" Sam turned around with a very confused expression plastered on her face.
"Jack!" She yelled again. "His name is JACK! Why can't you EVER call him that?" Cassie stared into Sam's eyes genuinely seeking an answer to a question that had plagued her for years. "Why can't you ever be Jack and Sam, just Jack and just Sam - together?"
Sam stared back. So this is it. Sam had expected this was what Cassie had been alluding to during her outburst yesterday morning, but she dismissed it as impossibility. After all, how could Cassie know? Suspect maybe. But, Sam wasn't planning on dealing with this – not today.
Actually, she had never truly anticipated being allowed to ever open that door to the room where her deepest admissions of caring and longing resided – no matter how much she might want to. But now, Sam was staring into the face of a young girl who was holding tightly to her dreams of fairy tale romance, true love, happy endings and the belief that if you just loved someone enough that every cloud would have a silver lining. This young girl was secretly hoping for two people whom she loved to one day admit their love for one another. Cassie wasn't as upset with Sam being with Pete as much as she was that Sam wasn't with Jack.
"You know why Cassie." It was with a sad resignation that Sam uttered those words.
"NO! NO, I DON'T!" Cassie stomped back into the kitchen with Sam trailing behind her. "I don't know why two people who care about each other so much can't find a way to be together." Cassie was now speaking with wisdom. "Even off duty you still call him Colonel or constantly "Sir" him to death. I'm sick of it!"
"Cassie. We're never off duty. The military life is always..."
"So? Mom would call him Jack sometimes. What do you think will happen if you call him Jack, or if he calls you Sam?" Cassie was earnestly searching for answers. "Huh? What?!"
"There are rules and regulations that prohibit...." Sam began the tried and true explanation for her behavior. When did the regulation manual become so heavy and burdensome?
"Oh I'm sick of that too! That's the same lame answer that mom used to give me for you two not being together. I can't stand how you hide behind those rules and use them as an excuse."
"It's not an excuse! I have sworn my allegiance to following and upholding those rules Cassie, and I understand their place within military structure and I will do my best to...."
"But at what cost? You're sacrificing your own happiness Sam. And Jack's!" Cassie definitely had Sam's attention now. "You know, for several years now, all I have wanted to do was join the Air Force like you and mom so that I can become apart of the SGC and help fight against the Goa'uld, but I know now that I NEVER want to be apart of something that dictates to me whom I can and can't love. Life is too short Sam!"
Sam couldn't believe what she was hearing. "Well, that's your choice. But you don't have all the facts. You don't know what you're talking about. Colonel O'Neill doesn't feel..."
"Oh my gosh! I can't believe you!" Cassie was now smiling wildly at Sam. "You can't even admit it to yourself, can you?"
Sam just looked away.
"It's SO obvious. He LOVES you and you can't even admit it." Cassie was going in for the kill. "Sam, don't you love Jack anymore?"
Sam looked back at Cassie and mustered all of her strength, "I love all of SG1; we're like a family. You know that."
"Yeah, but you're in love with Jack. And you're messing everything up." Cassie was right. "You're hurting him you know? I can tell. He'd never tell you, but he is." Cassie knew that there was not going to be any resolution on this issue until Jack and Sam were free to admit their feelings without fearing regulations. She just hoped that Pete was going to be just a "ship passing in the night" and wouldn't spoil their chance. Cassie was determined to not lose this hope. Jack had told her yesterday to hang on to hope with all of her strength and that was just what she was planning on doing – no matter how bleak it might seem today. However, she was at least glad that she and Sam had talked, fought, argued, and came to some sort of acceptance.
Sam couldn't admit it, but Cassie wouldn't confront her with it again.
"I'm really sorry Sam." Cassie sighed heavily feeling very drained. "Really, I am. Guess you're right. It might do us both some good for me to stay here a few days. Anyway, I think Jack needs me right now." Cassie thought briefly about what to do and then moved over to Sam for a hug. Sam embraced her readily. Cassie spoke softly, "I love you so much Sam. Maybe we can talk, really talk, some more...later. And, I promise I'll come home in a few days." 'Home,' that sounded strange to Cassie; she had a new home, and it was now with Sam. "It's just what with mom dying...and Jack getting hurt too...I just want you both to be happy Sam - together."
Sam stroked Cassie's hair lovingly while hugging her as Sam remembered her own mother had done to her when she was a child and was upset. "That's not going to happen Cass."
Cassie pulled away from Sam and looked deeply into Sam's sad eyes, "Too bad," Cassie sighed, "because you'd be great together." Then Cassie walked out of the kitchen to the living room to retrieve the bags that Sam had brought over before heading into the guest bedroom for the remaining evening.
Leaning heavily against the kitchen door frame, Sam watched Cassie walk down the hallway. Closing her eyes tightly in order to stem the tears that were welling up in her heart and threatened to flow down her cheeks, Sam was now left to her own thoughts, 'We already are great together.'
To Be Continued...
NOTE: Well, here is one of the conversations that so many of you have expressed eagerness in reading. I hope that you won't be disappointed. Cassie was fun to write. Teenage girls have a unique perspective, and fighting style, all their own. There's still plenty more to come if you care to stick around some more. I'm still enjoying writing this story. Oh, thanks so much for overwhelming response for Part 9. I was so surprised, not to mention genuinely humbled to think that so many of you are taking the time to read my work. WOW!!
If you liked it Part 10, or if you didn't like it, please let me know. Thanks for reading.