Author: GateSeeker2
Disclaimer: All necessary information is listed prior to Part 1
"Waiting for the Dawn" - Part 11
It was a beautiful early fall evening. The sun had fully set about an hour or so ago. There wasn't a cloud in the sky. Stars, too innumerable to count, were shining brightly in the sky. The temperature was neither too cool nor too warm, but a subtle breeze could be felt occasionally which caused the slightest shiver to run down Jack's spine as if reminding him that he's not numb – that he can still feel.
Jack was sitting on his roof deck sipping his second beer and no longer looking through his telescope. It would have been a wonderfully peaceful night if not for the sound of arguing.
He knew what he did was a bit underhanded of him, but Jack wanted to be sure that everything was alright between Sam, or rather Carter, and Cassie. He cared about both of them – dearly – and in Carter's case still way "more than he was supposed to" – and thought he was just acting out of true concern. But now he felt lousy. He felt like a "peeping Tom." Now he was wondering if he shouldn't come clean and confess his actions to Carter. 'She'd probably lose all respect for me,' he thought. It had seemed harmless enough at the time. Actually, he was quite pleased that his assumptions had proven correct.
When Jack had taken the leftovers into the kitchen, he had quickly and quietly walked over to the kitchen sink window and slid it completely open before grabbing his beer and cell phone and heading up to the observation deck. He knew that the deck was positioned directly above the window. So, with the subtle yet clear-cut prompting for Carter and Cassie to do the dishes, he felt sure that they would talk over their problem while doing the dishes, and he would be able to hear, or rather eavesdrop, on their conversation. Man, was he ever right. He had heard close to every word – every harsh and heartfelt word.
What he had heard was at this moment being replayed in his mind in an unending loop. Some of the words cut through him deeply. "They didn't know you were involved SEXUALLY with him. I am NOT planning to stop seeing him. I'm TIRED of being alone, tired of crying myself to sleep, tired of wanting SOMEONE to share a life with, tired of ignoring what I want, tired of not being able to be with.... He loves you and you can't even admit it. I love all of SG1; we're like a FAMILY. I just want you both to be happy - together. That's not going to happen." It's NOT going to happen; it's NOT going to HAPPEN; it's NOT GOING TO HAPPEN – not now – not ever.
He went to take another sip of his beer, but stopped because he suddenly felt nauseous and sick. He was sick from his actions and from the words he had heard. Carter had revealed much in that conversation. He had hoped that Pete would be just a short-lived fancy for her, a brief dalliance, a simple fling, perhaps even a temporary bit of comfort for her since he obviously couldn't offer her anything – certainly not the life that Jack thought she deserved. But she had plainly stated that she wasn't planning to stop seeing Pete. Jack interpreted it to mean that she was happy – happy with Pete. It couldn't ever be Jack to whom she turned to for that type of comfort, no matter how much he would want that. Of course, that didn't mean that Jack was happy with Sam seeing Pete – especially knowing what he now knew. Could he truly be happy for her? Could he be supportive of her in this relationship? It wasn't like he had a choice did he? Besides, he didn't want her to be alone did he? She had sounded so sad and hopeless when she talked about how tired she was with her life. How could he be jealous of her chance to have someone? He had had his chance with Sara and Charlie. She deserved someone too, didn't she?
Jack's nausea quickly turned into anger and jealously. No, he didn't want her to be alone, but he didn't want to be alone either. And he definitely didn't want her to be with Pete. There was something about him that he didn't trust. But he was also jealous of Pete. 'He had to be the luckiest guy in the universe – two universes!' Jack tried to muse, but it didn't do any good. All he could picture was Sam and the way she was so tender toward Pete that day at the stakeout when he was injured. She was concerned – almost scared. Could she have already fallen in love with him? Jack quickly shook that thought from his clouded brain. Then another image of Sam floated quickly through – the way she looked when she had seen him, Colonel Jack O'Neill, on the battlefield knocked down from the direct staff blast. Just before Jack blacked out, he knew that she appeared more panicky and genuinely frightened than he had ever seen her. Was she just afraid of losing her commanding officer? He had come close to death many times. Heck! He had died several times. But he thought this had been the "big one." The one from which he wouldn't be able to return. Then this image of her face was transformed in his mind to the recent image of her face when she came to see him in the infirmary just six days ago. What was it he saw in her eyes then? Relief? Uncertainty? Frustration? Longing? Affection? Love?
'Stop it Jack!' He shouted to himself quietly. 'She isn't in love with you. Cassie asked her and she answered. She only cares about you in the same way as Daniel and Teal'C. Sure she cares, but that isn't the same as being in love.' Jack felt foolish thinking that a wonderful brilliant beautiful woman like Samantha Carter would ever desire him, not in this reality at least. 'Plus, you're too old for her O'Neill. Why would she ever want a man who's what – ten years older than her? Or is it twelve? What could you possibly offer her?' OK – his psyche was definitely chastising him now. 'There was a reason why she wanted to "keep it in that room;" she probably was too embarrassed knowing that an old fart like Jack O'Neill had a crush on her.' His hand gripped the beer bottle so tightly that he thought it would break. 'But, it isn't just a crush! I LOVE HER!' His knuckles were turning white because of the fierce strength that he was exerting on the bottle. 'But that doesn't matter, does it.' He relaxed his grip slightly and drained the last of his now warm beer. Jack contemplated on one more thought, 'Face it. She's with Pretty Petey now and she's happy.'
The heated conversation had ended some time ago. He couldn't hear voices anymore – either in his kitchen or in his head. Carter and Cassie could have taken their conversation to her bedroom, but he was fairly certain that they had finished their discussion. The house was quiet. He couldn't remember if he had heard Carter leave though. For all he knew, she could have screeched her tires as she sped from his drive way because he had been so lost in his thoughts. Jack didn't really expect Carter to come and say good-bye. No, he just assumed she would have left quietly after her encounter with Cassie, or maybe not.
"Colonel?"
"Yeah?" He said as he tried to clear his throat. "huh um....Yeah?"
"May I come up, Sir?"
'She's always the good soldier, always asking permission, always following the rules,' Jack thought sarcastically. Should he tell her to come up or should he go down? After a few moments, he decided that he wasn't ready to go down – even though he would have loved to have had another beer, or two.
Not receiving an answer, Carter called again, "Sir?"
Her voice caught him off guard slightly – more so this time than the first, "Ah yeah..., right – come on up Carter."
She climbed the ladder and stood upright on the deck. "Uh, Sir,...I took the liberty...." She extended her hand and offered him the two ice cold bottles of beer. "...I thought you might be ready for another."
Jack looked up from the now empty bottle in his lap and saw the slightest smile on her face. It was a pure and kind gesture wanting nothing in return, and he could read her eyes were emitting honesty and sincerity. He instantly felt a small grin creep across his own face as he reached out to accept the gift.
"See there, you sensed my need and provided it. That's why we're so great together." D'OH! Did he just say that – out loud? What was he thinking? He couldn't help but stare ever so briefly and stop his outstretched arm in mid-movement for a nanosecond just as he was about to reach the beers. He felt like a kid caught with his hand in the cookie jar. Jack quickly took the beers and turned away from her to set the beer bottles down by his chair hoping that she hadn't recognized the reference.
Sam was stunned by the Colonel's words, "That's why we're so great together." That was the very same thing that Cassie had mentioned to her only minutes ago. Surely he hadn't heard their conversation. Had he? She quickly dismissed the coincidence and gathered her thoughts and asked, "...Uh yeah,...ah...may I?" She said as she motioned to the bench next to him.
"Oh yeah yeah – sure – sit Carter. Uh... did you want one too?" He gestured to the new bottle of beer that he was opening.
"No thank you, besides I should be heading home...soon." She replied as she gestured with her thumb over her left shoulder.
Jack simply mouthed "ah" and nodded his head exaggeratedly.
The two professional officers sat there on the roof's deck – not looking at each other and not speaking. He didn't know what to say to her. She didn't know what he wanted to hear.
"Did you and Cassie have a good weekend, Sir?" Carter started hesitantly, still not looking at him.
"Uh yeah, it was...OK. Yesterday, we drove up to Denver just to...ya know...get away." He was talking to his beer bottle. "We did some shopping and saw a hockey game."
"That sounds nice." Sam was thinking that she would have really enjoyed going with them.
"Yeah but today, we just...went for a walk in the park then stayed in the rest of the day." Jack sounded tired.
"Well, that could have been fun too," Sam said. They had a nice relaxing day. She would have preferred that to her own day.
"Yeah, well...Cassie managed to call some of her friends." Jack's voice picked up, and he said with a little bit of a lilt, "and you know teenage girls Carter, give her a phone and she's happy." He laughed lightly thinking about how he was actually glad that Cassie wasn't just sulking around the house. "She probably spent three hours straight talking to some of her friends."
Sam laughed too. "Yeah that seems about right." Sam of course didn't know from first hand experience. As a teenager, she was pretty much a wall flower with only a few rare girl friends scattered around the world from all the bases where her father was stationed over the years. Being a teenager for Sam was extremely hard for her what with no mother, constantly moving from air base to air base, and having a hard nose father who had to be gone from home quite often. No, Sam was remembering some of the colorful stories that Janet had told her about Cassie's antics.
The two drifted off into another round of silence, but this was more awkward and uncomfortable. Both individuals went back to avoiding each other's gaze. Finally Jack broke the silence.
"Sooooooooo?," Jack drawled out and took a quick glimpse towards Sam.
"So?" Carter quickly raised her head to meet his gaze, but he had already turned away. She watched Jack, the Colonel, as he held his beer bottle. It always fascinated her, for some reason, how he chose to hold the neck of his beer bottle with just his index finger snaked tightly around the bottle opening.
"So," he tried again, "did you and Cassie resolve your...," he wasn't sure what to call it and began to wave his free hand slightly in the air as if it would help him find the right word, "...your...situation, problem, dilemma, disagreement," he brought the beer bottle close to his lips, "etcetera, etcetera, etcetera?" He took a sip of beer and now had his head cocked slightly looking at her waiting for an answer.
She sighed heavily and tried to nod her head yes, but it came out as a combined shake and nod. Nonverbally she was definitely stating that she was unsure of the answer. Her hands, palms down were currently firmly fixed underneath her, wedged between the bench seat and her thighs as she lightly tapped her toes on the deck. "Well,...ah...yeah, ...we talked...aired out a...FEW things. I think things will be... "
"Good." He stated simply.
"Yeah," she exhaled.
"Well, maybe you just need some time apart. You know – two women in one house and all that – it's a lethal combination." Jack said with some sarcastic levity hoping to elicit a smile from Carter, and he wasn't disappointed.
Carter grinned slightly, "Yes Sir." As soon she heard herself say, "Sir," she closed her eyes. 'Cassie's right. I constantly call him Sir. I mean I knew I did but...,' Sam quickly cut off her current train of thought. Quickly opening her eyes she asked her next question. 's planning on staying a few days with you here, if that's alright?"
"Sure thing – love to have her." Jack said happily and took another sip of his beer and looked up into the night sky.
Silence descended again upon the pair of officers. It had never seemed so strained between them. Every word seemed forced and strained. This conversation was hard going and it left both of them feeling empty even though the other one didn't know.
Jack cast another look in Sam's direction and noticed how sad and drained she looked.
"Carter?" Jack asked softly while looking straight at Sam.
"Yes...Sir?" She really didn't want to add his title, but she did anyway out of habit. She chose not to look at him.
"Carter?" Jack asked again even more quietly.
She knew he wanted her attention, so with much hesitation, she slowly yet slightly raised her head and only caught sight of him through the tops of her long eye lashes.
'How do you ask a question that you know is stupid?' He thought. "How are you doing with this whole Janet...thing?" His voice held nothing but sincerity.
Her head began to shake side to side almost of its own volition and her eyes began tearing. This was the first time in a week that anyone had actually taken the time to ask her how she was doing, coping, handling the death of her close friend. She didn't want to cry now, not in front of the Colonel, but it was as if she couldn't help herself. Sam looked straight into the soft eyes of her Commanding Officer, her Colonel, her friend, her..... Sadness was clearly evident in his eyes. She saw that he too was hurting and felt the loss of their close friend deeply. Immediately, her tears began to flow freely and her body was starting to faintly tremble. Sam's right hand was hurriedly placed over her mouth just as a combined gasped cry was uttered deep from within her being. She couldn't help but close her eyes tightly in hopes of shutting off the flow of her heavy tears.
Jack was literally moved to tears. He hadn't expected her to react to his question this way. He hated to see her hurting, suffering through the loss of such a close friend, and evidently she was trying to cope with this all on her own. Quickly remembering the moments directly after Daniel had ascended, she tried to approach him to talk about what had happened, about the loss of Daniel. But Jack didn't want to talk, and he had merely dismissed her and pushed her and her feelings aside. He was too caught up wallowing in his own pain to recognize and acknowledge hers. She had been in such pain then like now, but he had not been there for her. Now, this strong soldier was refusing to ask for his help this time. Jack could tell that she was attempting to halt her increasing uncontrollable sobbing. He almost wanted to punch himself out thinking that now she was refusing to ask for help through this loss – probably thinking that she would only be dismissed by him again. However, this soldier was also a woman capable of feeling and hurting, and he too often forgot that she was a woman who needed comforting. Or rather, Jack worked hard to think of her not as a woman but as a soldier merely so that he could keep his own emotions and desires for her at bay. But, right now, he saw the vulnerable side of Carter, Sam; it was a side she rarely revealed. But, too often lately she had been placed in positions where she truly needed comforting and a soft place to fall. Too often lately he had been able to give her that comfort, if only through a simple hug, and he wasn't going to let her go through this alone – not this time.
Quickly and swiftly, Jack placed his beer down and was out of his chair and in front of Sam. "Come here," he said as he had so many times recently. Lifting her up from where she was sitting, he pulled her into his strong arms. Sam was instantly pressed securely against Jack as he stood there with his arms totally encompassing her. His right hand was patting and gently rubbing the length of her back through her denim jacket while his left hand was firmly grasping the back of her head. Long fingers were intertwined with her short hair as his chin rested near her left temple. Jack began to give Sam gentle words of comfort. "Shush...It's OK Sam....it'll be OK...I'm here...You're not alone...We'll get through this...." His mouth was pressed against her left ear as he whispered his quiet husky expressions of consolation. "Just let it all out...take your time...shuuuu ...I know Sam...I know... I miss her too...That's right...let it out...shuuuu...shuu...."
This hug was so much more than the hug in the infirmary six days ago. He closed his eyes and relished in this moment – not in her pain that she was obviously feeling but in the fact that he was holding Sam and being able to give her comfort. Jack prayed selfishly that this moment would be sufficient to sustain him until he could hold her again – if he could ever hold her again. Jack continued to embrace her and speak softly to her while he carefully rocked their bodies side to side ever so subtly. He managed to ignore his own tears that had started their own faint trail down his face. However, his tears were a mixture of sweet sorrow and bitter joy.
At first Sam wasn't sure of what just happened. One moment she was sitting trying in vain not to cry, and the next moment she was standing and sobbing and heaving with such an uncontainable sorrow. So many thoughts had bombarded her mind that she was crying not just over the loss of Janet but for so many losses throughout her life. For a few moments, she forgot where she was. But now, she was completely aware of the strong arms that surrounded her. She was also conscious of how her own arms were now wrapped firmly around the waist of her Commanding Officer, no the Colonel, no Jack. In this moment he was merely Jack to her. She was holding onto Jack for dear life. It was as if he was giving her part of himself to help strengthen her.
Just how long they were standing there she wasn't sure. But, it was long enough for her to cry until she felt weak and spent. If Jack hadn't been holding her, she thought for certain that she might have collapsed. As it was, she did collapse. Her rigid adherence to rules and regulations collapsed. For once she allowed herself to surrender to the arms of her.... What? Friend? No, Sam was being held in the arms of a man who "cared more for her than he was supposed to." She permitted herself to have one simple moment of comfort. There was no where else she wanted to be just now. There was no one else that gave her the strength and comfort that he did.
Jack's body was strong and supportive. His arms were secure but vulnerable and felt so right. His hands were firm yet gentle as they comforted her. His breath was warm across her ear, and she could feel it as it caressed her very being. His words of reassurance had done wonders to soothe her weary soul.
"Sam...," Jack said softly after her sobbing had faded, "...you don't have to do this by yourself you know...I know you're a strong soldier...you don't have anything to prove...you deserve comfort too...." Jack continued to cling to Sam, but they now stood still, not swaying, just embracing.
Sam was afraid to move. Her eyes were still closed but not as tightly as before, and her face was buried deeply into the soft pullover that was covering his chest, and she listened to Jack's soft words.
Jack wanted to say so much to her, "I'm sorry...Sam...." He wanted to say something about all he had neglected to do for her during Daniel's passing, but the words wouldn't come. "I'm so sorry...." He spoke in such a hush, yet the words choked in his throat and his lips found their way to her cheek. He placed the faintest kisses on her cheek. Her cheeks were soft to his lips. "Oh Sam..." Tasting the tears on her face, he turned his face slowly to hers. Their noses were almost touching. Almost instinctually their eyes opened simultaneously and their gaze locked. It was as if they were frozen unable to move and not wanting to move. Jack's eyes pierced hers and yet they were so still. They weren't searching; they were merely waiting. For this moment the Colonel and Major disappeared, and for a brief time Jack and Sam emerged - together.
At some point Sam's breath became more pronounced but her heart beat was still even. She was now staring straight into Jack's brown eyes. She was standing so close to him. Sam didn't think she had ever before gazed so deeply into someone's eyes, or had them gaze so longingly into her own. She wanted to speak, but for once the technobabbling Carter was truly at a loss for words. She tried to say his name. Her lips moved but no sound came forth. Speaking might actually ruin this moment. However, kissing him would definitely ruin the moment – and their careers.
Jack knew that all he wanted to do was to kiss her, and he thought he could sense the same desire in her. But he was just enjoying the closeness of her, the tenderness of the moment, and he wasn't going to take advantage of this situation. Instead, he took his left hand and cupped her cheek using his left thumb to wipe away her tears ever so lightly.
Sam wasn't sure what was happening or what would come next. And she wasn't about to move or alter the moment. She was surprised though when Jack, instead of kissing her, merely embraced her for a hug, one last hug. Closing her eyes, she could tell that Jack was invoking a great deal of restraint. She had seen his desire plainly in his eyes. Without a doubt, she knew that he wanted to kiss her, and she had wanted it to. His desire had neither surprised her nor scared her because even after six years and an alien induced virus, she had remembered distinctly how soft his lips had felt and had her own desire to one day experience a kiss with him again. She briefly thought about her daydream on the Prometheus and the allusive kiss that she wanted then. Sam regretted not having kissed him then – even if it would still have been a hallucination. However, now on the roof deck she was regretting both not kissing him now and their sense of honor and duty. Nevertheless this was not a moment of romance. It was a moment of compassion, friendship, and comfort – pure unadulterated comfort.
RING RING RING RING!!
The ringing of Sam's cell phone didn't startle either officer. Instead it merely helped punctuate a moment that had ended all of its own accord. Jack released Sam from his arms and stepped away gesturing that he would allow her to take her call. He turned his back to her and faced his telescope. With his back turned to her, he exhaled silently and rubbed his right hand over his eyes attempting to regain his composure.
Sam reached for her cell phone and answered without glancing at the caller ID. "Hello." Her voice was soft as she carefully cleared her throat as if to mask the tightness that was left from her recent crying.
"Hey babe!" Pete's exuberant voice could be heard through her phone and Jack's shoulders automatically tensed.
She was not expecting Pete to call again tonight. "Oh, hi. Did you make it home Ok?" She tried to sound pleasant.
"Uh...I'm safe and sound," Pete responded.
"Good, what's up?" Sam asked.
'Well, I'm sitting here in the park down the street from your Colonel Jack's house watching you as you and he are evidently lost in some romantic moment,' Pete thought. But he couldn't tell her that. He couldn't tell her that he had seen them embrace or their tender moment through his binoculars. Pete thought that it was prudent for him to call just at the moment when a kiss looked inevitable. He had suspected, based on the girl's insinuations yesterday morning, that there was someone else that Sam was seeing even though Sam was steadfastly denying it. It was clear to Pete now that Sam's relationship with her Colonel seemed a bit too cozy to be just professional. The little affectionate display that Pete had just witnessed made him even more curious and upset.
"Oh you know, not much...I just wanted to call and see how your evening went with...uhm... with...," why couldn't he remember her name! He was cop for goodness sake.
"Cassie." Sam filled in.
"Yeah, yeah Cassie. How'd your talk go?" He didn't really care. He wanted to know why Sam was obviously lying to him.
"Fine, she's staying with the Colonel for a few days." When Sam said "the Colonel," she saw Jack move rigidly over to his telescope and start repositioning it in the Eastern sky.
"Oh that's good I guess...So...are you on your way home." Pete was really hoping that Sam would be getting off that roof soon.
Jack wasn't trying to listen to Sam's conversation, but it was a bit hard not too. Plus, because it was so quiet this evening in the neighborhood, he could clearly hear Pete's voice too through the tiny speaker. Jack wished at that moment that Thor would just beam him up right then and there – Jack not Pete. 'Of course, if Thor took Pete to some far off planet with the replicators...,' Jack's thought trailed off.
"No, I'm still needing to tend to a few things before heading home and then...."
Jack heard Sam's voice being slowly drowned out by a nearby siren that was beginning to wail through a nearby street. 'It must be an ambulance or fire truck,' Jack thought absentmindedly. The noise of the siren continued to draw near. It sounded so close and he turned to see if it might actually be heading down his street. As Jack turned he saw Sam position her free right hand over her right ear to block out the noise as she pressed the cell phone more firmly against her left ear. However, Jack had spent years in special ops and his hearing was attuned to the subtlest noise or variation. Something just sounded off to Jack and his second nature kicked in to monitor the situation. He listened closer. He was poised like an owl honing his ears into the sound of its prey and focusing on what he needed to know. There. He heard it. It was an echo. He was hearing a feedback echo of the siren coming from Carter's phone. But how could that be? If Pete was calling her from Denver then, how could there be an echo? Jack thought for only a second more before moving again, more nonchalantly this time, to his telescope. He busied himself with positioning his telescope in the direction in which he thought he heard the sound originate. He carefully and slowly panned the telescope until he found what he knew he would unfortunately find. Slowly in one fluid motion, Jack backed off from the eyepiece while reaching down to pick up his beer. Then he stood up to his full height while his face became hardened into an expression of loathing; next he raised his bottle as if toasting someone before taking a slow drag of beer as the siren's wail drifted away softly.
Pete saw. He knew that he had been made. His otherwise covert position in the park was compromised because of an ill-fated siren during his untimely phone call to Sam. It was evident that the Colonel had seen him because of the cavalier toast that Jack had gestured in his direction. The look that accompanied the toast was one that unsettled Pete. Still looking through his binoculars, Pete could see the dark brooding almost frightening stare that the Colonel directed towards him. There was only one course of action now; Pete would have to leave the park. To stay now, would be inviting more speculation on top of his already questionable actions. So, Pete decided to retreat to another location. He just hoped that the Colonel wouldn't say anything to Sam. However, Pete thought that for some reason the Colonel would keep this knowledge to himself.
"...what?" Sam's voice was more easily able to be heard now that the siren had passed. She evidently didn't notice the echo and was oblivious to its implications. "OK...Yeah, I'll call you soon. Bye Pete." Sam ended the call and returned her phone to her jacket pocket.
Still looking at the direction of the park Jack said, "So, how's Pete?" The name was hard to say especially knowing what this man was capable of. He knew that he had followed her to the stakeout and now he was watching her again. Sure Pete's "curious cop" routine seemed to appease everyone a few weeks ago when he showed up at the Osiris/Sarah stakeout, but now. Now, he appeared to being doing more than merely following Sam out of "caring about her safety." Jack definitely wanted to keep track of this man. He wouldn't let anyone hurt Sam – after all she was the woman that he.... She was a valuable member of his team.
Startled by his inquiry, Carter replied hesitantly trying to avoid eye contact with her superior officer. "Oh,...uh, ...he's...fine." The moment that they had shared mere minutes ago was still too overwhelming. And it would probably just become one of many moments that they never discussed. She began rocking back and forth ever so slightly on the balls and heels of her feet as she brushed the remaining dried tears off her cheek.
"Good." He didn't know what to say now. He really didn't care to hear anything about Pete again – ever. But before he knew what he was saying, he said, "So, I hope the two of you had a good weekend." 'Oh you SO do NOT Jack,' his little voice inside reminded him. The last thing he wanted to imagine was Sam in the arms of this...this...stalker. But Jack wanted to make sure this man wouldn't hurt Carter. He didn't know when or if he would acknowledge to Sam what he now knew about Pete's actions just now. Jack needed to wait and see. He rubbed his left eye and took a quick drink of beer.
"Well, actually...," she began tentatively and sat back down on the bench. Out of the corner of his eye he saw her sit back down, so he chose then to sit as well. Evidently she was not ready to leave, and Jack was certainly not in a hurry for her to leave.
'Yeeeessss????' He thought. Jack could tell by the tone of her voice that something was wrong. O'Neill was figuratively on the edge of his seat even though he appeared to be comfortably slouching in his chair. Passing the cool beer bottle back and forth between his hands, he waited for the inevitable.
"Well..., I was called in to the base yesterday afternoon to correct a computer malfunction, and... with the time needed to fix it...and everything...and...needing to finish up some work this morning...and....well...after what happened yesterday morning...I... decided it was just...best to stay on base last night...." There she managed to say it, even though she spit that last part out a little too fast.
Jack tried hard NOT to react to her comment. 'She stayed on base last night. She didn't stay with him. Did he stay? What happened? Are there problems? Did he hurt her? Why did that come up? Why would he hurt her? Carter can handle herself physically, but emotionally?' He began to hurriedly analyze the situation like the military strategist that he was. "Oh I see," he said ultra calmly. Although, he really didn't – not yet.
"Yeah well, we met for a quick lunch today before he headed home." 'Why did I add that? He doesn't want to know that.' She chided herself. "He's going to come back next weekend." Why couldn't she just stay quiet? "I thought he and Cassie might get a chance to meet each other and get to know one another."
Jack had to know that Carter was alright. "What happened yesterday?" He asked cautiously.
She didn't really expect Jack to pursue that line of questioning. What was she supposed to say? 'Well, he thinks I'm in love with someone else, so he's acting like a jealous rat! Quick think of something Sam!' She couldn't think of anything other than the truth and she wasn't sure if she wanted to go there, if she dared to go there.
Jack continued, "Did he overhear your argument with Cassie?"
"Yes!" She replied a little too enthusiastically. She brought her arms up slowly and tried to cross them nonchalantly. "I mean, yes..., he was there...and couldn't help but overhear...and he...well...he was curious...and had some questions... and..." Why was this so difficult for her? Her words stopped and she found herself staring into his gentle warm eyes. Sam knew that he wouldn't press her for answers regarding her personal life, but she felt like she was lying to him. And, she felt as if he knew it. She didn't want him to know about her difficulties with Pete. 'Just tell him the truth, Sam. Even though he is your commanding officer, he's still a friend,' she hoped. Then she added, 'even if he can't ever be more.' Their earlier moments definitely conveyed friendship, at least. She blew out a long breath and ran her hands through her hair. "Actually," 'don't say Sir, don't say Sir,' she thought. "..., Pete was the reason for my argument with Cassie. I hadn't told her about him, and she was very upset and very vocal when she found out about him so...unexpectedly. And, naturally after she left, he wanted to know why she reacted the way she had. So, I tried to explain, but Pete just got upset as well... and...well...we had an argument of our own."
'Man, she looks tired,' he thought to himself. She had been through a lot in this last week too. And now she was having to deal with an irate emotional teenager and a boyfriend? Man, how insensitive was Pete? Didn't he know what she had been through? What was Pete's problem?
"Oh." Jack said softly. He didn't want to ask but he really wanted to know what Sam and Pete argued about. 'Did they argue about Cassie? Surely they didn't argue about me? Why would they? Yet, clearly Pete had issues otherwise he wouldn't be sitting in the park watching my house. Geez, you're getting nosey in your old age O'Neill.' Jack's mind began to wander as he gazed intently on his beer bottle.
'Should I tell him? Why is it so hard to be honest about this? Why can't we just forget rules for once? Would it really be so bad? We were so close a moment ago.' Sam was still looking at Jack and wondering if they would ever be able to talk – openly and honestly. As long as they both wore their current mantles of military leadership and obligation, it seemed unlikely.
"So...," Jack started tentatively not knowing if he should but not being able to stop himself, "...so...what did you and Pete...argue about?"
Sam was uncertain. 'Does he really want to know? Can I really tell him? Is this it?' Before she could answer, Jack quickly interrupted her thoughts.
"I'm sorry Carter. I shouldn't pry. It's none of MY business...." He shook his head from side to side.
"NO!...ah...No, that's...alright...really...." She gently bit her bottom lip as she refused once again to add the typical, 'Sir.' Jack immediately noticed the lack of his title where she would normally insert it and turned to look at her. He seemed surprised but didn't question it.
"I just want to make sure that you're OK." Jack stated emphatically.
They just sat there for a moment looking at each other, again. It wasn't as intense as before, but it was calm. They were never able to just take time to look at each other. It was probably no longer than thirty seconds, but there was great freedom in those moments. There was no one around, not now. Jack had clearly seen Pete drive off, and figured that Pete wouldn't chance coming around again after being caught. It was just the two of them, and for the second time that night, rules didn't figure into their relationship. They looked at each other authentically and eagerly as if trying to have the other understand their deepest thoughts. Warm tender brown eyes caressed accepting shimmering soft blue eyes. The look was almost reminiscent of the look they exchanged while on opposite sides of the force field on Apophis' ship but without the craze or shocking revelation. Their look now was gentle but spoke volumes of emotion and passion, but neither was truly sure what the other was attempting to say. Without actually speaking the words, their eyes could only estimate what was on the other's heart. And neither was ready to speak "those words" – yet.
Jack finally tilted his head and raised his right eyebrow with his usual nonverbal way of asking Sam to continue with her previous topic of conversation.
"Well, you know that Cassie was upset about finding Pete at my house yesterday." Sam began slowly.
Jack just nodded still looking at her.
"And, Cassie said some things that then in turn upset Pete."
"Like what?" Jack said with that half grin smirk that he gets on his face when he is not going to like the explanation being given, or like when he thinks the Tok'Ra are up to something.
"Cassie doesn't want me to date...Pete."
"And I guess Pete took offense at that?" Jack stated as a matter of fact and took another swig of his beer.
"Actually...Pete...well...he thinks there's someone else." There she said it and she breathed a huge sigh of relief.
"Someone else?" Jack couldn't suppress the astonishment from his voice. 'Maybe that's why Pete's stalking my house.' Jack thought. 'Does Pete think I'm the someone else? Yeah, I wish!'
She couldn't believe that they were discussing this and neither of them had looked away yet. Was that door to that room finally opening? "Uh huh." She said simply and nodded.
"Is there?" Jack peered even deeper into Sam's eyes. He shifted slightly to his left in his lawn chair so that his body was facing her more fully. His voice was husky and sounded strained. 'Is there Sam? Is there someone else? Tell me there's someone else.' His mind urged. He felt like a drowning man trying to reach out for a rescue line. "Is there someone else?"
As soon as Jack asked his question, the breeze, now turning cooler, picked up and swirled Sam's hair about her face which caused Sam to shiver slightly. Neither one of them dared to move until the question was answered. Plus, his eyes held her as firmly in place as his arms had held her only moments ago. Or was that a lifetime ago now?
The question, "Is there someone else," seemed to hang frozen in mid-air. It was stuck between them much like that force field or any other invisible barrier that would separate them. Sam's response would determine the direction of any future conversation, of any future relationship, of any future hope.
"I'm...not...sure." To Sam, this was the truth. She didn't know anymore. She knew since the Za'tarc confessions that the Colonel "cared for her more than he was supposed to" but that was never a true admission of love. And, even if it was, there were always rules and regulations prohibiting a personal relationship. However, she had looked deep into his eyes earlier as their faces were a mere breath away from one another. What had she seen then? Was there truly someone else? Did she want someone other than Pete? Did she want the Colonel, Jack? Was he the someone else?
'YES! There is someone else. You know there is Sam! It's Jack! It's always been Jack! You love Jack. You've been in love with Jack for years. Even when he gets on your nerves, you'd rather have him bug you than to ever be without him. Cassie's right! He does love me. He couldn't look at me that way without being in love with me. And I love Jack!' Her thoughts were attacking her from all directions with a new truth that she had never fully confessed to herself and suddenly her face betrayed her. She realized that she had just admitted for the first time to herself, oddly enough, that she was truly deeply hopelessly completely in love with Jack O'Neill and that she wanted Jack in a way that she shouldn't and couldn't have. No longer did she just care for him, or love him in an "SG1's a family" way. But what good did it do to admit it? Besides, there was never a way to resolve what was between them as military circumstances were currently. And now she was dating Pete.
Pete. That realization also hit her. She had moved on. She was with Pete now. Wasn't she? Pete was her chance at normalcy? Wasn't he? Why was her life so complicated? Why couldn't she just fall in love, get married, and live happily ever after?
"I'm...not...sure," wasn't the answer that Jack was hoping for but he saw her emotions now being clearly displayed on her face and saw how her simple admission was a revelation to her. Now he knew that he had to ask his next question. He had to know.
"Do you WANT there to be someone else?" Jack was never as hopeful as he was right now and he hoped that his voice didn't sound too desperate.
Sam tried to keep her composure as she felt her lips becoming slightly dry. Her eyes were becoming moist again for what seemed like the ten thousandth and one time this week. She licked her lips, blinked quickly, and then swallowed hard before continuing, "I think I...."
RING RING RING RING RING
Pause. Jack wasn't about to answer his phone now.
RING RING RING RING RING
To Be Continued...
NOTE: Sorry. I don't mean to seem cruel, but it had to end here – for now. Just trust me. This piece just kept growing and growing. I kept laboring over it for weeks trying to get it to say all that it needed to say. I don't mean to vilify Pete, but I don't think he's all that great either. I may have pushed him over the limit – but I thought that my Part 9 and Part 11 merely continued his character as we saw him portrayed in the episode "Chimera." I'm mean come on...how are we expected to appreciate or like any guy that runs a secret background check on his girlfriend and then follows/stalks her? I can't believe that Sam will stay with him for the long haul. The TV writers can't be that weird. Sure, you can chalk his behavior up to him being a cop and disguise his actions as caring, but overall it's still not very trustworthy behavior. Oh and don't forget, Pete lied to his FBI friend about dating the Major. Feel free to disagree with me. If you liked it, or if you didn't like it, please let me know. Thanks for reading. There's only one more part – so enjoy!
Disclaimer: All necessary information is listed prior to Part 1
"Waiting for the Dawn" - Part 11
It was a beautiful early fall evening. The sun had fully set about an hour or so ago. There wasn't a cloud in the sky. Stars, too innumerable to count, were shining brightly in the sky. The temperature was neither too cool nor too warm, but a subtle breeze could be felt occasionally which caused the slightest shiver to run down Jack's spine as if reminding him that he's not numb – that he can still feel.
Jack was sitting on his roof deck sipping his second beer and no longer looking through his telescope. It would have been a wonderfully peaceful night if not for the sound of arguing.
He knew what he did was a bit underhanded of him, but Jack wanted to be sure that everything was alright between Sam, or rather Carter, and Cassie. He cared about both of them – dearly – and in Carter's case still way "more than he was supposed to" – and thought he was just acting out of true concern. But now he felt lousy. He felt like a "peeping Tom." Now he was wondering if he shouldn't come clean and confess his actions to Carter. 'She'd probably lose all respect for me,' he thought. It had seemed harmless enough at the time. Actually, he was quite pleased that his assumptions had proven correct.
When Jack had taken the leftovers into the kitchen, he had quickly and quietly walked over to the kitchen sink window and slid it completely open before grabbing his beer and cell phone and heading up to the observation deck. He knew that the deck was positioned directly above the window. So, with the subtle yet clear-cut prompting for Carter and Cassie to do the dishes, he felt sure that they would talk over their problem while doing the dishes, and he would be able to hear, or rather eavesdrop, on their conversation. Man, was he ever right. He had heard close to every word – every harsh and heartfelt word.
What he had heard was at this moment being replayed in his mind in an unending loop. Some of the words cut through him deeply. "They didn't know you were involved SEXUALLY with him. I am NOT planning to stop seeing him. I'm TIRED of being alone, tired of crying myself to sleep, tired of wanting SOMEONE to share a life with, tired of ignoring what I want, tired of not being able to be with.... He loves you and you can't even admit it. I love all of SG1; we're like a FAMILY. I just want you both to be happy - together. That's not going to happen." It's NOT going to happen; it's NOT going to HAPPEN; it's NOT GOING TO HAPPEN – not now – not ever.
He went to take another sip of his beer, but stopped because he suddenly felt nauseous and sick. He was sick from his actions and from the words he had heard. Carter had revealed much in that conversation. He had hoped that Pete would be just a short-lived fancy for her, a brief dalliance, a simple fling, perhaps even a temporary bit of comfort for her since he obviously couldn't offer her anything – certainly not the life that Jack thought she deserved. But she had plainly stated that she wasn't planning to stop seeing Pete. Jack interpreted it to mean that she was happy – happy with Pete. It couldn't ever be Jack to whom she turned to for that type of comfort, no matter how much he would want that. Of course, that didn't mean that Jack was happy with Sam seeing Pete – especially knowing what he now knew. Could he truly be happy for her? Could he be supportive of her in this relationship? It wasn't like he had a choice did he? Besides, he didn't want her to be alone did he? She had sounded so sad and hopeless when she talked about how tired she was with her life. How could he be jealous of her chance to have someone? He had had his chance with Sara and Charlie. She deserved someone too, didn't she?
Jack's nausea quickly turned into anger and jealously. No, he didn't want her to be alone, but he didn't want to be alone either. And he definitely didn't want her to be with Pete. There was something about him that he didn't trust. But he was also jealous of Pete. 'He had to be the luckiest guy in the universe – two universes!' Jack tried to muse, but it didn't do any good. All he could picture was Sam and the way she was so tender toward Pete that day at the stakeout when he was injured. She was concerned – almost scared. Could she have already fallen in love with him? Jack quickly shook that thought from his clouded brain. Then another image of Sam floated quickly through – the way she looked when she had seen him, Colonel Jack O'Neill, on the battlefield knocked down from the direct staff blast. Just before Jack blacked out, he knew that she appeared more panicky and genuinely frightened than he had ever seen her. Was she just afraid of losing her commanding officer? He had come close to death many times. Heck! He had died several times. But he thought this had been the "big one." The one from which he wouldn't be able to return. Then this image of her face was transformed in his mind to the recent image of her face when she came to see him in the infirmary just six days ago. What was it he saw in her eyes then? Relief? Uncertainty? Frustration? Longing? Affection? Love?
'Stop it Jack!' He shouted to himself quietly. 'She isn't in love with you. Cassie asked her and she answered. She only cares about you in the same way as Daniel and Teal'C. Sure she cares, but that isn't the same as being in love.' Jack felt foolish thinking that a wonderful brilliant beautiful woman like Samantha Carter would ever desire him, not in this reality at least. 'Plus, you're too old for her O'Neill. Why would she ever want a man who's what – ten years older than her? Or is it twelve? What could you possibly offer her?' OK – his psyche was definitely chastising him now. 'There was a reason why she wanted to "keep it in that room;" she probably was too embarrassed knowing that an old fart like Jack O'Neill had a crush on her.' His hand gripped the beer bottle so tightly that he thought it would break. 'But, it isn't just a crush! I LOVE HER!' His knuckles were turning white because of the fierce strength that he was exerting on the bottle. 'But that doesn't matter, does it.' He relaxed his grip slightly and drained the last of his now warm beer. Jack contemplated on one more thought, 'Face it. She's with Pretty Petey now and she's happy.'
The heated conversation had ended some time ago. He couldn't hear voices anymore – either in his kitchen or in his head. Carter and Cassie could have taken their conversation to her bedroom, but he was fairly certain that they had finished their discussion. The house was quiet. He couldn't remember if he had heard Carter leave though. For all he knew, she could have screeched her tires as she sped from his drive way because he had been so lost in his thoughts. Jack didn't really expect Carter to come and say good-bye. No, he just assumed she would have left quietly after her encounter with Cassie, or maybe not.
"Colonel?"
"Yeah?" He said as he tried to clear his throat. "huh um....Yeah?"
"May I come up, Sir?"
'She's always the good soldier, always asking permission, always following the rules,' Jack thought sarcastically. Should he tell her to come up or should he go down? After a few moments, he decided that he wasn't ready to go down – even though he would have loved to have had another beer, or two.
Not receiving an answer, Carter called again, "Sir?"
Her voice caught him off guard slightly – more so this time than the first, "Ah yeah..., right – come on up Carter."
She climbed the ladder and stood upright on the deck. "Uh, Sir,...I took the liberty...." She extended her hand and offered him the two ice cold bottles of beer. "...I thought you might be ready for another."
Jack looked up from the now empty bottle in his lap and saw the slightest smile on her face. It was a pure and kind gesture wanting nothing in return, and he could read her eyes were emitting honesty and sincerity. He instantly felt a small grin creep across his own face as he reached out to accept the gift.
"See there, you sensed my need and provided it. That's why we're so great together." D'OH! Did he just say that – out loud? What was he thinking? He couldn't help but stare ever so briefly and stop his outstretched arm in mid-movement for a nanosecond just as he was about to reach the beers. He felt like a kid caught with his hand in the cookie jar. Jack quickly took the beers and turned away from her to set the beer bottles down by his chair hoping that she hadn't recognized the reference.
Sam was stunned by the Colonel's words, "That's why we're so great together." That was the very same thing that Cassie had mentioned to her only minutes ago. Surely he hadn't heard their conversation. Had he? She quickly dismissed the coincidence and gathered her thoughts and asked, "...Uh yeah,...ah...may I?" She said as she motioned to the bench next to him.
"Oh yeah yeah – sure – sit Carter. Uh... did you want one too?" He gestured to the new bottle of beer that he was opening.
"No thank you, besides I should be heading home...soon." She replied as she gestured with her thumb over her left shoulder.
Jack simply mouthed "ah" and nodded his head exaggeratedly.
The two professional officers sat there on the roof's deck – not looking at each other and not speaking. He didn't know what to say to her. She didn't know what he wanted to hear.
"Did you and Cassie have a good weekend, Sir?" Carter started hesitantly, still not looking at him.
"Uh yeah, it was...OK. Yesterday, we drove up to Denver just to...ya know...get away." He was talking to his beer bottle. "We did some shopping and saw a hockey game."
"That sounds nice." Sam was thinking that she would have really enjoyed going with them.
"Yeah but today, we just...went for a walk in the park then stayed in the rest of the day." Jack sounded tired.
"Well, that could have been fun too," Sam said. They had a nice relaxing day. She would have preferred that to her own day.
"Yeah, well...Cassie managed to call some of her friends." Jack's voice picked up, and he said with a little bit of a lilt, "and you know teenage girls Carter, give her a phone and she's happy." He laughed lightly thinking about how he was actually glad that Cassie wasn't just sulking around the house. "She probably spent three hours straight talking to some of her friends."
Sam laughed too. "Yeah that seems about right." Sam of course didn't know from first hand experience. As a teenager, she was pretty much a wall flower with only a few rare girl friends scattered around the world from all the bases where her father was stationed over the years. Being a teenager for Sam was extremely hard for her what with no mother, constantly moving from air base to air base, and having a hard nose father who had to be gone from home quite often. No, Sam was remembering some of the colorful stories that Janet had told her about Cassie's antics.
The two drifted off into another round of silence, but this was more awkward and uncomfortable. Both individuals went back to avoiding each other's gaze. Finally Jack broke the silence.
"Sooooooooo?," Jack drawled out and took a quick glimpse towards Sam.
"So?" Carter quickly raised her head to meet his gaze, but he had already turned away. She watched Jack, the Colonel, as he held his beer bottle. It always fascinated her, for some reason, how he chose to hold the neck of his beer bottle with just his index finger snaked tightly around the bottle opening.
"So," he tried again, "did you and Cassie resolve your...," he wasn't sure what to call it and began to wave his free hand slightly in the air as if it would help him find the right word, "...your...situation, problem, dilemma, disagreement," he brought the beer bottle close to his lips, "etcetera, etcetera, etcetera?" He took a sip of beer and now had his head cocked slightly looking at her waiting for an answer.
She sighed heavily and tried to nod her head yes, but it came out as a combined shake and nod. Nonverbally she was definitely stating that she was unsure of the answer. Her hands, palms down were currently firmly fixed underneath her, wedged between the bench seat and her thighs as she lightly tapped her toes on the deck. "Well,...ah...yeah, ...we talked...aired out a...FEW things. I think things will be... "
"Good." He stated simply.
"Yeah," she exhaled.
"Well, maybe you just need some time apart. You know – two women in one house and all that – it's a lethal combination." Jack said with some sarcastic levity hoping to elicit a smile from Carter, and he wasn't disappointed.
Carter grinned slightly, "Yes Sir." As soon she heard herself say, "Sir," she closed her eyes. 'Cassie's right. I constantly call him Sir. I mean I knew I did but...,' Sam quickly cut off her current train of thought. Quickly opening her eyes she asked her next question. 's planning on staying a few days with you here, if that's alright?"
"Sure thing – love to have her." Jack said happily and took another sip of his beer and looked up into the night sky.
Silence descended again upon the pair of officers. It had never seemed so strained between them. Every word seemed forced and strained. This conversation was hard going and it left both of them feeling empty even though the other one didn't know.
Jack cast another look in Sam's direction and noticed how sad and drained she looked.
"Carter?" Jack asked softly while looking straight at Sam.
"Yes...Sir?" She really didn't want to add his title, but she did anyway out of habit. She chose not to look at him.
"Carter?" Jack asked again even more quietly.
She knew he wanted her attention, so with much hesitation, she slowly yet slightly raised her head and only caught sight of him through the tops of her long eye lashes.
'How do you ask a question that you know is stupid?' He thought. "How are you doing with this whole Janet...thing?" His voice held nothing but sincerity.
Her head began to shake side to side almost of its own volition and her eyes began tearing. This was the first time in a week that anyone had actually taken the time to ask her how she was doing, coping, handling the death of her close friend. She didn't want to cry now, not in front of the Colonel, but it was as if she couldn't help herself. Sam looked straight into the soft eyes of her Commanding Officer, her Colonel, her friend, her..... Sadness was clearly evident in his eyes. She saw that he too was hurting and felt the loss of their close friend deeply. Immediately, her tears began to flow freely and her body was starting to faintly tremble. Sam's right hand was hurriedly placed over her mouth just as a combined gasped cry was uttered deep from within her being. She couldn't help but close her eyes tightly in hopes of shutting off the flow of her heavy tears.
Jack was literally moved to tears. He hadn't expected her to react to his question this way. He hated to see her hurting, suffering through the loss of such a close friend, and evidently she was trying to cope with this all on her own. Quickly remembering the moments directly after Daniel had ascended, she tried to approach him to talk about what had happened, about the loss of Daniel. But Jack didn't want to talk, and he had merely dismissed her and pushed her and her feelings aside. He was too caught up wallowing in his own pain to recognize and acknowledge hers. She had been in such pain then like now, but he had not been there for her. Now, this strong soldier was refusing to ask for his help this time. Jack could tell that she was attempting to halt her increasing uncontrollable sobbing. He almost wanted to punch himself out thinking that now she was refusing to ask for help through this loss – probably thinking that she would only be dismissed by him again. However, this soldier was also a woman capable of feeling and hurting, and he too often forgot that she was a woman who needed comforting. Or rather, Jack worked hard to think of her not as a woman but as a soldier merely so that he could keep his own emotions and desires for her at bay. But, right now, he saw the vulnerable side of Carter, Sam; it was a side she rarely revealed. But, too often lately she had been placed in positions where she truly needed comforting and a soft place to fall. Too often lately he had been able to give her that comfort, if only through a simple hug, and he wasn't going to let her go through this alone – not this time.
Quickly and swiftly, Jack placed his beer down and was out of his chair and in front of Sam. "Come here," he said as he had so many times recently. Lifting her up from where she was sitting, he pulled her into his strong arms. Sam was instantly pressed securely against Jack as he stood there with his arms totally encompassing her. His right hand was patting and gently rubbing the length of her back through her denim jacket while his left hand was firmly grasping the back of her head. Long fingers were intertwined with her short hair as his chin rested near her left temple. Jack began to give Sam gentle words of comfort. "Shush...It's OK Sam....it'll be OK...I'm here...You're not alone...We'll get through this...." His mouth was pressed against her left ear as he whispered his quiet husky expressions of consolation. "Just let it all out...take your time...shuuuu ...I know Sam...I know... I miss her too...That's right...let it out...shuuuu...shuu...."
This hug was so much more than the hug in the infirmary six days ago. He closed his eyes and relished in this moment – not in her pain that she was obviously feeling but in the fact that he was holding Sam and being able to give her comfort. Jack prayed selfishly that this moment would be sufficient to sustain him until he could hold her again – if he could ever hold her again. Jack continued to embrace her and speak softly to her while he carefully rocked their bodies side to side ever so subtly. He managed to ignore his own tears that had started their own faint trail down his face. However, his tears were a mixture of sweet sorrow and bitter joy.
At first Sam wasn't sure of what just happened. One moment she was sitting trying in vain not to cry, and the next moment she was standing and sobbing and heaving with such an uncontainable sorrow. So many thoughts had bombarded her mind that she was crying not just over the loss of Janet but for so many losses throughout her life. For a few moments, she forgot where she was. But now, she was completely aware of the strong arms that surrounded her. She was also conscious of how her own arms were now wrapped firmly around the waist of her Commanding Officer, no the Colonel, no Jack. In this moment he was merely Jack to her. She was holding onto Jack for dear life. It was as if he was giving her part of himself to help strengthen her.
Just how long they were standing there she wasn't sure. But, it was long enough for her to cry until she felt weak and spent. If Jack hadn't been holding her, she thought for certain that she might have collapsed. As it was, she did collapse. Her rigid adherence to rules and regulations collapsed. For once she allowed herself to surrender to the arms of her.... What? Friend? No, Sam was being held in the arms of a man who "cared more for her than he was supposed to." She permitted herself to have one simple moment of comfort. There was no where else she wanted to be just now. There was no one else that gave her the strength and comfort that he did.
Jack's body was strong and supportive. His arms were secure but vulnerable and felt so right. His hands were firm yet gentle as they comforted her. His breath was warm across her ear, and she could feel it as it caressed her very being. His words of reassurance had done wonders to soothe her weary soul.
"Sam...," Jack said softly after her sobbing had faded, "...you don't have to do this by yourself you know...I know you're a strong soldier...you don't have anything to prove...you deserve comfort too...." Jack continued to cling to Sam, but they now stood still, not swaying, just embracing.
Sam was afraid to move. Her eyes were still closed but not as tightly as before, and her face was buried deeply into the soft pullover that was covering his chest, and she listened to Jack's soft words.
Jack wanted to say so much to her, "I'm sorry...Sam...." He wanted to say something about all he had neglected to do for her during Daniel's passing, but the words wouldn't come. "I'm so sorry...." He spoke in such a hush, yet the words choked in his throat and his lips found their way to her cheek. He placed the faintest kisses on her cheek. Her cheeks were soft to his lips. "Oh Sam..." Tasting the tears on her face, he turned his face slowly to hers. Their noses were almost touching. Almost instinctually their eyes opened simultaneously and their gaze locked. It was as if they were frozen unable to move and not wanting to move. Jack's eyes pierced hers and yet they were so still. They weren't searching; they were merely waiting. For this moment the Colonel and Major disappeared, and for a brief time Jack and Sam emerged - together.
At some point Sam's breath became more pronounced but her heart beat was still even. She was now staring straight into Jack's brown eyes. She was standing so close to him. Sam didn't think she had ever before gazed so deeply into someone's eyes, or had them gaze so longingly into her own. She wanted to speak, but for once the technobabbling Carter was truly at a loss for words. She tried to say his name. Her lips moved but no sound came forth. Speaking might actually ruin this moment. However, kissing him would definitely ruin the moment – and their careers.
Jack knew that all he wanted to do was to kiss her, and he thought he could sense the same desire in her. But he was just enjoying the closeness of her, the tenderness of the moment, and he wasn't going to take advantage of this situation. Instead, he took his left hand and cupped her cheek using his left thumb to wipe away her tears ever so lightly.
Sam wasn't sure what was happening or what would come next. And she wasn't about to move or alter the moment. She was surprised though when Jack, instead of kissing her, merely embraced her for a hug, one last hug. Closing her eyes, she could tell that Jack was invoking a great deal of restraint. She had seen his desire plainly in his eyes. Without a doubt, she knew that he wanted to kiss her, and she had wanted it to. His desire had neither surprised her nor scared her because even after six years and an alien induced virus, she had remembered distinctly how soft his lips had felt and had her own desire to one day experience a kiss with him again. She briefly thought about her daydream on the Prometheus and the allusive kiss that she wanted then. Sam regretted not having kissed him then – even if it would still have been a hallucination. However, now on the roof deck she was regretting both not kissing him now and their sense of honor and duty. Nevertheless this was not a moment of romance. It was a moment of compassion, friendship, and comfort – pure unadulterated comfort.
RING RING RING RING!!
The ringing of Sam's cell phone didn't startle either officer. Instead it merely helped punctuate a moment that had ended all of its own accord. Jack released Sam from his arms and stepped away gesturing that he would allow her to take her call. He turned his back to her and faced his telescope. With his back turned to her, he exhaled silently and rubbed his right hand over his eyes attempting to regain his composure.
Sam reached for her cell phone and answered without glancing at the caller ID. "Hello." Her voice was soft as she carefully cleared her throat as if to mask the tightness that was left from her recent crying.
"Hey babe!" Pete's exuberant voice could be heard through her phone and Jack's shoulders automatically tensed.
She was not expecting Pete to call again tonight. "Oh, hi. Did you make it home Ok?" She tried to sound pleasant.
"Uh...I'm safe and sound," Pete responded.
"Good, what's up?" Sam asked.
'Well, I'm sitting here in the park down the street from your Colonel Jack's house watching you as you and he are evidently lost in some romantic moment,' Pete thought. But he couldn't tell her that. He couldn't tell her that he had seen them embrace or their tender moment through his binoculars. Pete thought that it was prudent for him to call just at the moment when a kiss looked inevitable. He had suspected, based on the girl's insinuations yesterday morning, that there was someone else that Sam was seeing even though Sam was steadfastly denying it. It was clear to Pete now that Sam's relationship with her Colonel seemed a bit too cozy to be just professional. The little affectionate display that Pete had just witnessed made him even more curious and upset.
"Oh you know, not much...I just wanted to call and see how your evening went with...uhm... with...," why couldn't he remember her name! He was cop for goodness sake.
"Cassie." Sam filled in.
"Yeah, yeah Cassie. How'd your talk go?" He didn't really care. He wanted to know why Sam was obviously lying to him.
"Fine, she's staying with the Colonel for a few days." When Sam said "the Colonel," she saw Jack move rigidly over to his telescope and start repositioning it in the Eastern sky.
"Oh that's good I guess...So...are you on your way home." Pete was really hoping that Sam would be getting off that roof soon.
Jack wasn't trying to listen to Sam's conversation, but it was a bit hard not too. Plus, because it was so quiet this evening in the neighborhood, he could clearly hear Pete's voice too through the tiny speaker. Jack wished at that moment that Thor would just beam him up right then and there – Jack not Pete. 'Of course, if Thor took Pete to some far off planet with the replicators...,' Jack's thought trailed off.
"No, I'm still needing to tend to a few things before heading home and then...."
Jack heard Sam's voice being slowly drowned out by a nearby siren that was beginning to wail through a nearby street. 'It must be an ambulance or fire truck,' Jack thought absentmindedly. The noise of the siren continued to draw near. It sounded so close and he turned to see if it might actually be heading down his street. As Jack turned he saw Sam position her free right hand over her right ear to block out the noise as she pressed the cell phone more firmly against her left ear. However, Jack had spent years in special ops and his hearing was attuned to the subtlest noise or variation. Something just sounded off to Jack and his second nature kicked in to monitor the situation. He listened closer. He was poised like an owl honing his ears into the sound of its prey and focusing on what he needed to know. There. He heard it. It was an echo. He was hearing a feedback echo of the siren coming from Carter's phone. But how could that be? If Pete was calling her from Denver then, how could there be an echo? Jack thought for only a second more before moving again, more nonchalantly this time, to his telescope. He busied himself with positioning his telescope in the direction in which he thought he heard the sound originate. He carefully and slowly panned the telescope until he found what he knew he would unfortunately find. Slowly in one fluid motion, Jack backed off from the eyepiece while reaching down to pick up his beer. Then he stood up to his full height while his face became hardened into an expression of loathing; next he raised his bottle as if toasting someone before taking a slow drag of beer as the siren's wail drifted away softly.
Pete saw. He knew that he had been made. His otherwise covert position in the park was compromised because of an ill-fated siren during his untimely phone call to Sam. It was evident that the Colonel had seen him because of the cavalier toast that Jack had gestured in his direction. The look that accompanied the toast was one that unsettled Pete. Still looking through his binoculars, Pete could see the dark brooding almost frightening stare that the Colonel directed towards him. There was only one course of action now; Pete would have to leave the park. To stay now, would be inviting more speculation on top of his already questionable actions. So, Pete decided to retreat to another location. He just hoped that the Colonel wouldn't say anything to Sam. However, Pete thought that for some reason the Colonel would keep this knowledge to himself.
"...what?" Sam's voice was more easily able to be heard now that the siren had passed. She evidently didn't notice the echo and was oblivious to its implications. "OK...Yeah, I'll call you soon. Bye Pete." Sam ended the call and returned her phone to her jacket pocket.
Still looking at the direction of the park Jack said, "So, how's Pete?" The name was hard to say especially knowing what this man was capable of. He knew that he had followed her to the stakeout and now he was watching her again. Sure Pete's "curious cop" routine seemed to appease everyone a few weeks ago when he showed up at the Osiris/Sarah stakeout, but now. Now, he appeared to being doing more than merely following Sam out of "caring about her safety." Jack definitely wanted to keep track of this man. He wouldn't let anyone hurt Sam – after all she was the woman that he.... She was a valuable member of his team.
Startled by his inquiry, Carter replied hesitantly trying to avoid eye contact with her superior officer. "Oh,...uh, ...he's...fine." The moment that they had shared mere minutes ago was still too overwhelming. And it would probably just become one of many moments that they never discussed. She began rocking back and forth ever so slightly on the balls and heels of her feet as she brushed the remaining dried tears off her cheek.
"Good." He didn't know what to say now. He really didn't care to hear anything about Pete again – ever. But before he knew what he was saying, he said, "So, I hope the two of you had a good weekend." 'Oh you SO do NOT Jack,' his little voice inside reminded him. The last thing he wanted to imagine was Sam in the arms of this...this...stalker. But Jack wanted to make sure this man wouldn't hurt Carter. He didn't know when or if he would acknowledge to Sam what he now knew about Pete's actions just now. Jack needed to wait and see. He rubbed his left eye and took a quick drink of beer.
"Well, actually...," she began tentatively and sat back down on the bench. Out of the corner of his eye he saw her sit back down, so he chose then to sit as well. Evidently she was not ready to leave, and Jack was certainly not in a hurry for her to leave.
'Yeeeessss????' He thought. Jack could tell by the tone of her voice that something was wrong. O'Neill was figuratively on the edge of his seat even though he appeared to be comfortably slouching in his chair. Passing the cool beer bottle back and forth between his hands, he waited for the inevitable.
"Well..., I was called in to the base yesterday afternoon to correct a computer malfunction, and... with the time needed to fix it...and everything...and...needing to finish up some work this morning...and....well...after what happened yesterday morning...I... decided it was just...best to stay on base last night...." There she managed to say it, even though she spit that last part out a little too fast.
Jack tried hard NOT to react to her comment. 'She stayed on base last night. She didn't stay with him. Did he stay? What happened? Are there problems? Did he hurt her? Why did that come up? Why would he hurt her? Carter can handle herself physically, but emotionally?' He began to hurriedly analyze the situation like the military strategist that he was. "Oh I see," he said ultra calmly. Although, he really didn't – not yet.
"Yeah well, we met for a quick lunch today before he headed home." 'Why did I add that? He doesn't want to know that.' She chided herself. "He's going to come back next weekend." Why couldn't she just stay quiet? "I thought he and Cassie might get a chance to meet each other and get to know one another."
Jack had to know that Carter was alright. "What happened yesterday?" He asked cautiously.
She didn't really expect Jack to pursue that line of questioning. What was she supposed to say? 'Well, he thinks I'm in love with someone else, so he's acting like a jealous rat! Quick think of something Sam!' She couldn't think of anything other than the truth and she wasn't sure if she wanted to go there, if she dared to go there.
Jack continued, "Did he overhear your argument with Cassie?"
"Yes!" She replied a little too enthusiastically. She brought her arms up slowly and tried to cross them nonchalantly. "I mean, yes..., he was there...and couldn't help but overhear...and he...well...he was curious...and had some questions... and..." Why was this so difficult for her? Her words stopped and she found herself staring into his gentle warm eyes. Sam knew that he wouldn't press her for answers regarding her personal life, but she felt like she was lying to him. And, she felt as if he knew it. She didn't want him to know about her difficulties with Pete. 'Just tell him the truth, Sam. Even though he is your commanding officer, he's still a friend,' she hoped. Then she added, 'even if he can't ever be more.' Their earlier moments definitely conveyed friendship, at least. She blew out a long breath and ran her hands through her hair. "Actually," 'don't say Sir, don't say Sir,' she thought. "..., Pete was the reason for my argument with Cassie. I hadn't told her about him, and she was very upset and very vocal when she found out about him so...unexpectedly. And, naturally after she left, he wanted to know why she reacted the way she had. So, I tried to explain, but Pete just got upset as well... and...well...we had an argument of our own."
'Man, she looks tired,' he thought to himself. She had been through a lot in this last week too. And now she was having to deal with an irate emotional teenager and a boyfriend? Man, how insensitive was Pete? Didn't he know what she had been through? What was Pete's problem?
"Oh." Jack said softly. He didn't want to ask but he really wanted to know what Sam and Pete argued about. 'Did they argue about Cassie? Surely they didn't argue about me? Why would they? Yet, clearly Pete had issues otherwise he wouldn't be sitting in the park watching my house. Geez, you're getting nosey in your old age O'Neill.' Jack's mind began to wander as he gazed intently on his beer bottle.
'Should I tell him? Why is it so hard to be honest about this? Why can't we just forget rules for once? Would it really be so bad? We were so close a moment ago.' Sam was still looking at Jack and wondering if they would ever be able to talk – openly and honestly. As long as they both wore their current mantles of military leadership and obligation, it seemed unlikely.
"So...," Jack started tentatively not knowing if he should but not being able to stop himself, "...so...what did you and Pete...argue about?"
Sam was uncertain. 'Does he really want to know? Can I really tell him? Is this it?' Before she could answer, Jack quickly interrupted her thoughts.
"I'm sorry Carter. I shouldn't pry. It's none of MY business...." He shook his head from side to side.
"NO!...ah...No, that's...alright...really...." She gently bit her bottom lip as she refused once again to add the typical, 'Sir.' Jack immediately noticed the lack of his title where she would normally insert it and turned to look at her. He seemed surprised but didn't question it.
"I just want to make sure that you're OK." Jack stated emphatically.
They just sat there for a moment looking at each other, again. It wasn't as intense as before, but it was calm. They were never able to just take time to look at each other. It was probably no longer than thirty seconds, but there was great freedom in those moments. There was no one around, not now. Jack had clearly seen Pete drive off, and figured that Pete wouldn't chance coming around again after being caught. It was just the two of them, and for the second time that night, rules didn't figure into their relationship. They looked at each other authentically and eagerly as if trying to have the other understand their deepest thoughts. Warm tender brown eyes caressed accepting shimmering soft blue eyes. The look was almost reminiscent of the look they exchanged while on opposite sides of the force field on Apophis' ship but without the craze or shocking revelation. Their look now was gentle but spoke volumes of emotion and passion, but neither was truly sure what the other was attempting to say. Without actually speaking the words, their eyes could only estimate what was on the other's heart. And neither was ready to speak "those words" – yet.
Jack finally tilted his head and raised his right eyebrow with his usual nonverbal way of asking Sam to continue with her previous topic of conversation.
"Well, you know that Cassie was upset about finding Pete at my house yesterday." Sam began slowly.
Jack just nodded still looking at her.
"And, Cassie said some things that then in turn upset Pete."
"Like what?" Jack said with that half grin smirk that he gets on his face when he is not going to like the explanation being given, or like when he thinks the Tok'Ra are up to something.
"Cassie doesn't want me to date...Pete."
"And I guess Pete took offense at that?" Jack stated as a matter of fact and took another swig of his beer.
"Actually...Pete...well...he thinks there's someone else." There she said it and she breathed a huge sigh of relief.
"Someone else?" Jack couldn't suppress the astonishment from his voice. 'Maybe that's why Pete's stalking my house.' Jack thought. 'Does Pete think I'm the someone else? Yeah, I wish!'
She couldn't believe that they were discussing this and neither of them had looked away yet. Was that door to that room finally opening? "Uh huh." She said simply and nodded.
"Is there?" Jack peered even deeper into Sam's eyes. He shifted slightly to his left in his lawn chair so that his body was facing her more fully. His voice was husky and sounded strained. 'Is there Sam? Is there someone else? Tell me there's someone else.' His mind urged. He felt like a drowning man trying to reach out for a rescue line. "Is there someone else?"
As soon as Jack asked his question, the breeze, now turning cooler, picked up and swirled Sam's hair about her face which caused Sam to shiver slightly. Neither one of them dared to move until the question was answered. Plus, his eyes held her as firmly in place as his arms had held her only moments ago. Or was that a lifetime ago now?
The question, "Is there someone else," seemed to hang frozen in mid-air. It was stuck between them much like that force field or any other invisible barrier that would separate them. Sam's response would determine the direction of any future conversation, of any future relationship, of any future hope.
"I'm...not...sure." To Sam, this was the truth. She didn't know anymore. She knew since the Za'tarc confessions that the Colonel "cared for her more than he was supposed to" but that was never a true admission of love. And, even if it was, there were always rules and regulations prohibiting a personal relationship. However, she had looked deep into his eyes earlier as their faces were a mere breath away from one another. What had she seen then? Was there truly someone else? Did she want someone other than Pete? Did she want the Colonel, Jack? Was he the someone else?
'YES! There is someone else. You know there is Sam! It's Jack! It's always been Jack! You love Jack. You've been in love with Jack for years. Even when he gets on your nerves, you'd rather have him bug you than to ever be without him. Cassie's right! He does love me. He couldn't look at me that way without being in love with me. And I love Jack!' Her thoughts were attacking her from all directions with a new truth that she had never fully confessed to herself and suddenly her face betrayed her. She realized that she had just admitted for the first time to herself, oddly enough, that she was truly deeply hopelessly completely in love with Jack O'Neill and that she wanted Jack in a way that she shouldn't and couldn't have. No longer did she just care for him, or love him in an "SG1's a family" way. But what good did it do to admit it? Besides, there was never a way to resolve what was between them as military circumstances were currently. And now she was dating Pete.
Pete. That realization also hit her. She had moved on. She was with Pete now. Wasn't she? Pete was her chance at normalcy? Wasn't he? Why was her life so complicated? Why couldn't she just fall in love, get married, and live happily ever after?
"I'm...not...sure," wasn't the answer that Jack was hoping for but he saw her emotions now being clearly displayed on her face and saw how her simple admission was a revelation to her. Now he knew that he had to ask his next question. He had to know.
"Do you WANT there to be someone else?" Jack was never as hopeful as he was right now and he hoped that his voice didn't sound too desperate.
Sam tried to keep her composure as she felt her lips becoming slightly dry. Her eyes were becoming moist again for what seemed like the ten thousandth and one time this week. She licked her lips, blinked quickly, and then swallowed hard before continuing, "I think I...."
RING RING RING RING RING
Pause. Jack wasn't about to answer his phone now.
RING RING RING RING RING
To Be Continued...
NOTE: Sorry. I don't mean to seem cruel, but it had to end here – for now. Just trust me. This piece just kept growing and growing. I kept laboring over it for weeks trying to get it to say all that it needed to say. I don't mean to vilify Pete, but I don't think he's all that great either. I may have pushed him over the limit – but I thought that my Part 9 and Part 11 merely continued his character as we saw him portrayed in the episode "Chimera." I'm mean come on...how are we expected to appreciate or like any guy that runs a secret background check on his girlfriend and then follows/stalks her? I can't believe that Sam will stay with him for the long haul. The TV writers can't be that weird. Sure, you can chalk his behavior up to him being a cop and disguise his actions as caring, but overall it's still not very trustworthy behavior. Oh and don't forget, Pete lied to his FBI friend about dating the Major. Feel free to disagree with me. If you liked it, or if you didn't like it, please let me know. Thanks for reading. There's only one more part – so enjoy!