Disclaimer: Will they ever understand that I don't own Star Trek!!! Maybe
when Walker rules the world and we are all his lowly minions I will not
have to say this. Maybe I WILL own Star Trek. But no. I do not.
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A/N: As you read this you will realize just how strange Ensign Silver is. I don't know where she came from in my mind. She has a strange sense of humor and an obsession with Vulcans. She believes that it is possible to have a psychic connection with everything from humans to lampposts. Lizards included. No one is quite sure why she became a security guard. And she is the only female on the Enterprise who wears pants. She requested them. Yeah. Maybe I'll write a whole story about her someday.
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Reviewer Replies
-Alania: ------\==/ Lizards, lol. Glad you like it. Very very glad. The story has been continued!
-Peter Preston: But now you're just PenguinQueen! What WILL happen to BH and PP?
-Happi Froggi: You reviewed so many times I'm just guessing you reviewed this. Oh yeah.The quesadilla. But wouldn't that be cruelty to lizards?
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LIZARDS OUTSIDE THE BUN
Chapter Three ~~~ Of Scores, Toupees, and Sybok
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"You're telling me these lizards were named after a little brother, a cartoon bear, and an engine???" Sulu asked in disbelief.
Chekov grinned. "It looks like Scotty has a new vee bairn. But I can't belieff that the lizard is called Engine."
"And two of them are no names but one of them is No Name and the other just has no name..."
"Ve haff a veird crew," Chekov said gravely.
"I just thought of something," Sulu said. "We can give out points for the best... er... lizard care. Let's get the contestants."
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Silver sat No Name on her shoulder. She smiled. She had decided it would be best to forge a psychic relationship with her lizard. She had studied some Vulcan techniques, but as a human she wasn't psychic. Usually this was a problem, but...
She would think of something. There were lizards at stake.
She placed her fingertips on the sides of the lizard's head. "No Name, I am..."
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Kirk/ Lizzie: 5
Spock/ [no name]: 3
McCOY/ Bobo: 5
Uhura/ Cutie: 5
Scotty/ Engine: 5
Roberts/ Fred: 5
Silver/ No Name: 5
"Well, those are the scores," Sulu said. "Two points for a name, three points for the lizard cage. Wait... Silver's lizard doesn't have a name."
Chekov sighed. "She named the lizard No Name. She's... you know... veird. She complained to me thet she should get extra points for establishing a psychic communication vith her lizard."
Sulu couldn't help but laugh at that one. "I think you like her."
Chekov rolled his eyes. "I think she needs to get her mental health checked out in sickbay."
Sulu nodded gravely, but couldn't help that laugh that escaped shortly afterward.
*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*
Kirk decided to take Lizzie to the bridge. Surely this couldn't be as bad as taking half to his alien girlfriends to the bridge! THEY had a nasty habit of trying to take over the ship. Lizzie, however....
And he was the captain.
He sat Lizzie on his shoulder and began walking through all of the Enterprise's hallways that all happened to look the same and be the same set. Ahem. Anyway, he got to the bridge at record time.
To his surprise, there was a lizard on Uhura's shoulder. It was trying to crawl into her wig and Kirk pointed this out. Apparently lizards liked wigs.
"Oh Cutie," Uhura said.
Kirk assumed his I'm-sexy smile. "Yeah, that's m-"
"That's her lizard," Sulu said from his station.
"Er..." Kirk moved hastily away from the communications console. Imagine getting yourself confused with a lizard!
Meanwhile, Lizzie was making her way into Kirk's toupee. It was warm, and fuzzy, and wonderfully fake. Suddenly, Kirk shrieked. Everyone on the bridge turned around to look at him.
His toupee popped off and fell to the floor with the lizard. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Kirk yelled. He fished the lizard out of his toupee and placed it on his console. He jammed the toupee back onto his head. He failed to notice that it was backwards, and made him look even stranger than a bald head did.
He sat down in his command chair grumpily. He glared at anyone who was laughing (which happened to be everyone but Spock). Most of them stopped giggling, but Kirk's dignity was nowhere near intact. Certainly lizards could cause mayhem on the bridge. At least none of his girlfriends had tried to burrow in his toupee.
*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*
KIRK/ LIZZIE: 0
SPOCK/ [NO NAME]: 3
MCCO
Sulu paused in typing up the new scores when Chekov came up to him. "So you took away five points for the Toupee Incident," he remarked, looking over Sulu's shoulder.
Sulu nodded. "Is that what you came here to find out?"
"No. Spock named his lizard. It's... Sybok."
"Another brother's name? Er, that's interesting. Well, that's two more points for Spock." He paused, deep in thought. Finally, "I know! I'll post the points on the main computer! That way whenever anyone logs on they can see them."
"You know... Maybe you should say exactly VHY the keptin lost those points..."
"Of course," Sulu said, the picture of innocence, "Anyone who isn't part of the bridge crew deserves to know."
"It's only fair," Chekov agreed.
*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*
Ten minutes later, the news that the captain had shrieked like a girl when his toupee was knocked off by a lizard was all over the ship. Kirk stalked around the ship, trying to stop conversations that were budding all around the ship. He had a new nickname: SABLEH. In other words, Shiny and Bald Lizard-Exposed Head.
Lizzie was back in her cage, looking at Kirk with beady eyes. Kirk glared back at her. It was HER fault, after all.
The computer signaled him that someone was outside the door. "Come in," Kirk muttered through gritted teeth. Today was just not his day.
McCoy entered, with the one facial expression that was so rarely seen on his face: A large grin. (Okay, it's often seen on his face when he's taken over by evil plants or drunk, but this is like... like the time he got the last word in. In Journey to Babel.) Bobo was sitting on his head. But his hair was his hair, so nothing happened.
"So, Captain-" (Kirk winced. He knew what was coming next.) "-Captain SABLEH, is it. Sulu and Chekov have got a video of that on the main computer. It just kind of pops up at you whenever you log on. You should see it. Oh. And your toupee is on backwards."
Kirk straightened his toupee with the air of someone stomping out of a room and slamming the door. Then he started mumbling something, but all McCoy could understand was "Gonna kill them... Chekov... Sulu... Kill... Chekov..."
"Jim, calm down," McCoy said. He had gone from very amused to very worried very quickly. Worried for Sulu and Chekov.
The last time Kirk had been like this... well, he had ordered a few red- shirts to beam down with him. It had not been pretty. But what could he do to Chekov? McCoy decided he didn't want to know. "Jim. It was a joke. You DO know what a joke is, right? This one just happened to be at your expense. Calm down."
Kirk seemed to take a deep breath. "Okay... Breathe... Calm... Kill..."
"Jim..."
"Well that's it for now."
"What?!"
"I wasn't talking to you. I was talking to the readers. This chapter is over. So shoo. Go away."
"Oooohhh, I get it."
"Shut up, Bones. Hey, readers, you're still here! Go. Away."
"Jim...?"
"I think they're leaving. Well, I don't care, I've got to go and plot Chekov's murder. Goodbye."
"Jim..."
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You like? Review!
Next chapter ____ will ____... I don't know. I haven't written it yet. ANYway...
Will Kirk murder Chekov? Will Silver forge a psychic connection with No Name? Will the name Sybok confuse people? Will the other characters do anything? Find out the answers to those questions... and much more... next week. On Star Trek: Lizards Outside the Bun!
But first, you have to review.
----\==/
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A/N: As you read this you will realize just how strange Ensign Silver is. I don't know where she came from in my mind. She has a strange sense of humor and an obsession with Vulcans. She believes that it is possible to have a psychic connection with everything from humans to lampposts. Lizards included. No one is quite sure why she became a security guard. And she is the only female on the Enterprise who wears pants. She requested them. Yeah. Maybe I'll write a whole story about her someday.
*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*
Reviewer Replies
-Alania: ------\==/ Lizards, lol. Glad you like it. Very very glad. The story has been continued!
-Peter Preston: But now you're just PenguinQueen! What WILL happen to BH and PP?
-Happi Froggi: You reviewed so many times I'm just guessing you reviewed this. Oh yeah.The quesadilla. But wouldn't that be cruelty to lizards?
*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*
LIZARDS OUTSIDE THE BUN
Chapter Three ~~~ Of Scores, Toupees, and Sybok
*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*
"You're telling me these lizards were named after a little brother, a cartoon bear, and an engine???" Sulu asked in disbelief.
Chekov grinned. "It looks like Scotty has a new vee bairn. But I can't belieff that the lizard is called Engine."
"And two of them are no names but one of them is No Name and the other just has no name..."
"Ve haff a veird crew," Chekov said gravely.
"I just thought of something," Sulu said. "We can give out points for the best... er... lizard care. Let's get the contestants."
*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*
Silver sat No Name on her shoulder. She smiled. She had decided it would be best to forge a psychic relationship with her lizard. She had studied some Vulcan techniques, but as a human she wasn't psychic. Usually this was a problem, but...
She would think of something. There were lizards at stake.
She placed her fingertips on the sides of the lizard's head. "No Name, I am..."
*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*
Kirk/ Lizzie: 5
Spock/ [no name]: 3
McCOY/ Bobo: 5
Uhura/ Cutie: 5
Scotty/ Engine: 5
Roberts/ Fred: 5
Silver/ No Name: 5
"Well, those are the scores," Sulu said. "Two points for a name, three points for the lizard cage. Wait... Silver's lizard doesn't have a name."
Chekov sighed. "She named the lizard No Name. She's... you know... veird. She complained to me thet she should get extra points for establishing a psychic communication vith her lizard."
Sulu couldn't help but laugh at that one. "I think you like her."
Chekov rolled his eyes. "I think she needs to get her mental health checked out in sickbay."
Sulu nodded gravely, but couldn't help that laugh that escaped shortly afterward.
*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*
Kirk decided to take Lizzie to the bridge. Surely this couldn't be as bad as taking half to his alien girlfriends to the bridge! THEY had a nasty habit of trying to take over the ship. Lizzie, however....
And he was the captain.
He sat Lizzie on his shoulder and began walking through all of the Enterprise's hallways that all happened to look the same and be the same set. Ahem. Anyway, he got to the bridge at record time.
To his surprise, there was a lizard on Uhura's shoulder. It was trying to crawl into her wig and Kirk pointed this out. Apparently lizards liked wigs.
"Oh Cutie," Uhura said.
Kirk assumed his I'm-sexy smile. "Yeah, that's m-"
"That's her lizard," Sulu said from his station.
"Er..." Kirk moved hastily away from the communications console. Imagine getting yourself confused with a lizard!
Meanwhile, Lizzie was making her way into Kirk's toupee. It was warm, and fuzzy, and wonderfully fake. Suddenly, Kirk shrieked. Everyone on the bridge turned around to look at him.
His toupee popped off and fell to the floor with the lizard. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Kirk yelled. He fished the lizard out of his toupee and placed it on his console. He jammed the toupee back onto his head. He failed to notice that it was backwards, and made him look even stranger than a bald head did.
He sat down in his command chair grumpily. He glared at anyone who was laughing (which happened to be everyone but Spock). Most of them stopped giggling, but Kirk's dignity was nowhere near intact. Certainly lizards could cause mayhem on the bridge. At least none of his girlfriends had tried to burrow in his toupee.
*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*
KIRK/ LIZZIE: 0
SPOCK/ [NO NAME]: 3
MCCO
Sulu paused in typing up the new scores when Chekov came up to him. "So you took away five points for the Toupee Incident," he remarked, looking over Sulu's shoulder.
Sulu nodded. "Is that what you came here to find out?"
"No. Spock named his lizard. It's... Sybok."
"Another brother's name? Er, that's interesting. Well, that's two more points for Spock." He paused, deep in thought. Finally, "I know! I'll post the points on the main computer! That way whenever anyone logs on they can see them."
"You know... Maybe you should say exactly VHY the keptin lost those points..."
"Of course," Sulu said, the picture of innocence, "Anyone who isn't part of the bridge crew deserves to know."
"It's only fair," Chekov agreed.
*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*
Ten minutes later, the news that the captain had shrieked like a girl when his toupee was knocked off by a lizard was all over the ship. Kirk stalked around the ship, trying to stop conversations that were budding all around the ship. He had a new nickname: SABLEH. In other words, Shiny and Bald Lizard-Exposed Head.
Lizzie was back in her cage, looking at Kirk with beady eyes. Kirk glared back at her. It was HER fault, after all.
The computer signaled him that someone was outside the door. "Come in," Kirk muttered through gritted teeth. Today was just not his day.
McCoy entered, with the one facial expression that was so rarely seen on his face: A large grin. (Okay, it's often seen on his face when he's taken over by evil plants or drunk, but this is like... like the time he got the last word in. In Journey to Babel.) Bobo was sitting on his head. But his hair was his hair, so nothing happened.
"So, Captain-" (Kirk winced. He knew what was coming next.) "-Captain SABLEH, is it. Sulu and Chekov have got a video of that on the main computer. It just kind of pops up at you whenever you log on. You should see it. Oh. And your toupee is on backwards."
Kirk straightened his toupee with the air of someone stomping out of a room and slamming the door. Then he started mumbling something, but all McCoy could understand was "Gonna kill them... Chekov... Sulu... Kill... Chekov..."
"Jim, calm down," McCoy said. He had gone from very amused to very worried very quickly. Worried for Sulu and Chekov.
The last time Kirk had been like this... well, he had ordered a few red- shirts to beam down with him. It had not been pretty. But what could he do to Chekov? McCoy decided he didn't want to know. "Jim. It was a joke. You DO know what a joke is, right? This one just happened to be at your expense. Calm down."
Kirk seemed to take a deep breath. "Okay... Breathe... Calm... Kill..."
"Jim..."
"Well that's it for now."
"What?!"
"I wasn't talking to you. I was talking to the readers. This chapter is over. So shoo. Go away."
"Oooohhh, I get it."
"Shut up, Bones. Hey, readers, you're still here! Go. Away."
"Jim...?"
"I think they're leaving. Well, I don't care, I've got to go and plot Chekov's murder. Goodbye."
"Jim..."
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You like? Review!
Next chapter ____ will ____... I don't know. I haven't written it yet. ANYway...
Will Kirk murder Chekov? Will Silver forge a psychic connection with No Name? Will the name Sybok confuse people? Will the other characters do anything? Find out the answers to those questions... and much more... next week. On Star Trek: Lizards Outside the Bun!
But first, you have to review.
----\==/