Disclaimer: NOT MINE! NOT JASMINE'S! PARAMOUNT'S!
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Reviewer Replies - They're at the end again... Even though I think I only got five...
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A/N: I'm not dead! It's just been so long since I saw a Star Trek last that I stopped writing for a little while. But I'm back! (Even though I still haven't seen any. And that sucks. *Pouts. Realizes she should be writing story. Stops writing author's note.*)
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LIZARDS OUTSIDE THE BUN
Chapter Eight ~~~ "The contest must end now"
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"And now," the computer continued, "I will tell everyone on the ship my evil plans."
Sulu and Chekov exchanged glances. Obviously, the computer had gone insane, but neither of them knew what to do about it.
"Everyone!" the computer blasted on the ship-wide speakers. Somewhere, on Deck 3, a red-shirt dove under a cupboard and hid. But, as this story has nothing to do with him, we'll move on.
The bridge crew listened in awe as the computer continued. "Lizards are too highly rated aboard this ship. I command you to beam the lizards out into space and let them die!" This was followed by robotic-sounding evil laughter that seemed a little awkward, as if the computer wasn't sure how to laugh evilly. It was most likely that no one had bothered to program evil laughter into the computer.
"Well?" the computer thundered. "What are you waiting for?"
"Wait," Kirk said. Insane computers weren't too hard to handle. He dealt with insane computers all the time!
"Explain." The computer sounded bored.
"It wouldn't be... human... to kill the lizards," Kirk said in his best everybody's-human-and-no-I-don't-care-if-you're-not voice.
"I am not human," the computer pointed out.
"But would it be... right... to kill the lizards? Why can't we bring them to a nice planet and leave them there?"
The computer said nothing for, as Spock calculated, 8.46 seconds, and he assumed that the computer was thinking it out. Computers were usually logical, though this one was acting rather human at the moment. "Yes, that could work. But the contest must end now."
Kirk smiled. See, insane, jealous, lizard-hating computers were easy to handle. "Yes... that might just work. Mr. Spock, what's the nearest lizard- friendly world?"
"Lotb, as the inhabitants call it," Spock answered quickly enough to make Kirk wonder just how his first officer knew these things, "Which, strangely enough, is the acronym for Lizards Outside the Bun. It is a warm, pleasant world. However-"
"Later, please, Spock," Kirk said. "Computer, is this good enough for you?"
"I guess," the computer said sulkily. "I would have preferred a world that the lizards would hate, but I want to get this over with as soon as possible. I hate lizards. Did you know that a bloody lizard turned me off and no one cared? Except Scotty, but he scares me. And he likes his lizard too."
"Yes, I did know," Kirk said, but the expression on his face said that the computer was now scaring HIM much more than Scotty might have ever scared the computer.
"We will arrive at Lotb in approximately twenty-one point eight four two three minutes," Spock informed the bridge.
McCoy, who, for some reason, was on the bridge, said, "Approximately? Whatever, Spock. But what do we do now?"
"I suggest we wait until we reach Lotb," Spock said.
Sulu and Chekov picked this moment to stride onto the bridge. "Or," Sulu said, "We could take a look at the results from the contest."
"Or, we could do that," Spock said to McCoy.
McCoy scowled in the direction of the Vulcan, but agreed with Sulu and Chekov. "Yeah, I'd like to see that," he said.
"Can I have the viewscreen for a moment?" Sulu asked Kirk. When the answer was "yes," he logged in and pulled up the results. Apparently the computer decided that it had made its point, and the Silver-hugging-Chekov video was gone.
"And here ve go!" Chekov exclaimed.
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Kirk/ Lizzie: 5
Spock/ SYBOK: 15
McCOY/ Bobo: 17.5
Uhura/ Cutie: 5
Scotty/ Engine: 9.5
ROBERTS/ FRED: Disqualified
Silver/ No Name: 12.5
Amazed, McCoy turned to the person nearest to him. (This happened to be Spock.) "I won!" he exclaimed.
"I find this rather obvious," Spock told him. "I came in second place. But," he added quickly, "This does not matter."
Kirk turned to the person nearest him, and then realized that, in his captain's chair, no one was particularly near him. So he said this to the whole bridge: "I lost!"
"So did I," said Uhura. "But I think that, more importantly than the fact that I lost, is that I'm going to miss Cutie."
"I'll miss Bobo."
"I'll miss Lizzie."
"Well?" McCoy poked Spock.
"Well? I do not understand."
"Won't you miss Sybok?"
"That is illogical-"
"So touching," a cynical voice interrupted. It was, of course, the computer, "But you should know that we're going to arrive at Lotb in ten minutes. And then bye-bye lizards!
"Oh, and I suggest you get your lizards ready for beam-down."
The computer's voice crackled off the speakers. "Sulu, hold the bridge while we all get our lizards," Kirk ordered. He, as well as McCoy, Spock, and Uhura left the bridge to gather their lizards.
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Silver heard the announcement, and she had a myriad of illogical thoughts as she walked up to her quarters. Poor No Name... she was sure that he would not like any planet that she did not reside on; after all, they were linked through her Vulcan mind power.
No Name seemed to understand at least some of what was happening, for he was huddled unhappily in the bottom of his cage, and he was as affectionate as lizards get towards humans when Silver picked him up.
"I'll miss you, No Name," she said.
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The ten minutes passed very quickly, and soon all of the original Lizards Outside the Bun contestants were gathered in the transporter room.
On the screen in the transporter room a greenish-bluish planet came into view.
"Lotb," Kirk murmured. All of the memories he had with Lizzie were coming back. Even that stupid toupee incident. Come to think of it, he'd never even murdered Chekov. Well, that could come later.
"Place your lizards on the transporter pad," the computer instructed. Soon six lizards sat on the six transporter pads. The computer surveyed this scene with satisfaction, until it realized what was wrong. There were seven contestants and seven lizards. Who hadn't given up his-or her-lizard?
Silver.
"Place your lizard on the console! That means you, Ensign Silver," the computer commanded.
"You know what?" Silver said, "I don't want to."
"Before I get angry!"
"You're a computer. Computers don't get angry. It is illogical."
"You would be surprised," the computer said, "Especially when there are lizards involved."
"I still refuse."
"Then I'll just have to-"
The world dissolved around Silver. When everything became clear again, she was in some sort of jungle or forest. Six lizards sat and blinked beside her. And then six figures sparkled into existance.
Strangely enough, those six figures were Kirk, Spock, McCoy, Uhura, Roberts, and Scotty.
For a moment they all just stared at each other. Then McCoy said, "Wonderful. Just wonderful."
"Why are you here? Sir," Silver asked.
"The computer decided that if it was going to beam you down, it might as well beam us down too. So thanks a lot."
"Well, at least we have our lizards!" Silver said. All she received from this was six glares.
Kirk stooped and picked up Lizzie. Maybe he wasn't as good at dealing with insane computers as he had thought.
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And there's chapter eight! I hope you liked. Whether or not you did like it, please review. If you don't review, I won't write, savvy?
Ah, how could I have forgotten! Here are the replies:
*PearlGirl - I personally think it's great you've started reading this (but that might just be me, because I'm the author). Ensign Quinn Krumpethead. Not sure where the name came from. My own twisted little brain, I guess. And definitely keep reading when you have less homework. (HW sucks, doesn't it?)
*Fool of an Elf - Yes, lizards are cool. Maybe either Spock or McCoy will win. I'm not sure yet. Then again, they'd probably argue even if someone else won!
*Alania - Yeah, maybe I should have had the lizards race. But then again, the lizards don't care about the Silver-Hugging-Chekov video...
*Ariennye - Yes, KFA! Keep Fred Alive! Who wants to join? *looks around* No one? Oh well. An no, not the one-headed cannibals! Fred will live! :) :) (I think I may be hyper...)
*mzsnaz - Yes, hug the lizard. Maybe I should hug my fish. Or maybe not... And more is here (but not so soon. Shame on me.)
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Remember, review, or the curse of the Xanthian Hobbits be placed upon you!
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Reviewer Replies - They're at the end again... Even though I think I only got five...
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A/N: I'm not dead! It's just been so long since I saw a Star Trek last that I stopped writing for a little while. But I'm back! (Even though I still haven't seen any. And that sucks. *Pouts. Realizes she should be writing story. Stops writing author's note.*)
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LIZARDS OUTSIDE THE BUN
Chapter Eight ~~~ "The contest must end now"
*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*
"And now," the computer continued, "I will tell everyone on the ship my evil plans."
Sulu and Chekov exchanged glances. Obviously, the computer had gone insane, but neither of them knew what to do about it.
"Everyone!" the computer blasted on the ship-wide speakers. Somewhere, on Deck 3, a red-shirt dove under a cupboard and hid. But, as this story has nothing to do with him, we'll move on.
The bridge crew listened in awe as the computer continued. "Lizards are too highly rated aboard this ship. I command you to beam the lizards out into space and let them die!" This was followed by robotic-sounding evil laughter that seemed a little awkward, as if the computer wasn't sure how to laugh evilly. It was most likely that no one had bothered to program evil laughter into the computer.
"Well?" the computer thundered. "What are you waiting for?"
"Wait," Kirk said. Insane computers weren't too hard to handle. He dealt with insane computers all the time!
"Explain." The computer sounded bored.
"It wouldn't be... human... to kill the lizards," Kirk said in his best everybody's-human-and-no-I-don't-care-if-you're-not voice.
"I am not human," the computer pointed out.
"But would it be... right... to kill the lizards? Why can't we bring them to a nice planet and leave them there?"
The computer said nothing for, as Spock calculated, 8.46 seconds, and he assumed that the computer was thinking it out. Computers were usually logical, though this one was acting rather human at the moment. "Yes, that could work. But the contest must end now."
Kirk smiled. See, insane, jealous, lizard-hating computers were easy to handle. "Yes... that might just work. Mr. Spock, what's the nearest lizard- friendly world?"
"Lotb, as the inhabitants call it," Spock answered quickly enough to make Kirk wonder just how his first officer knew these things, "Which, strangely enough, is the acronym for Lizards Outside the Bun. It is a warm, pleasant world. However-"
"Later, please, Spock," Kirk said. "Computer, is this good enough for you?"
"I guess," the computer said sulkily. "I would have preferred a world that the lizards would hate, but I want to get this over with as soon as possible. I hate lizards. Did you know that a bloody lizard turned me off and no one cared? Except Scotty, but he scares me. And he likes his lizard too."
"Yes, I did know," Kirk said, but the expression on his face said that the computer was now scaring HIM much more than Scotty might have ever scared the computer.
"We will arrive at Lotb in approximately twenty-one point eight four two three minutes," Spock informed the bridge.
McCoy, who, for some reason, was on the bridge, said, "Approximately? Whatever, Spock. But what do we do now?"
"I suggest we wait until we reach Lotb," Spock said.
Sulu and Chekov picked this moment to stride onto the bridge. "Or," Sulu said, "We could take a look at the results from the contest."
"Or, we could do that," Spock said to McCoy.
McCoy scowled in the direction of the Vulcan, but agreed with Sulu and Chekov. "Yeah, I'd like to see that," he said.
"Can I have the viewscreen for a moment?" Sulu asked Kirk. When the answer was "yes," he logged in and pulled up the results. Apparently the computer decided that it had made its point, and the Silver-hugging-Chekov video was gone.
"And here ve go!" Chekov exclaimed.
*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*
Kirk/ Lizzie: 5
Spock/ SYBOK: 15
McCOY/ Bobo: 17.5
Uhura/ Cutie: 5
Scotty/ Engine: 9.5
ROBERTS/ FRED: Disqualified
Silver/ No Name: 12.5
Amazed, McCoy turned to the person nearest to him. (This happened to be Spock.) "I won!" he exclaimed.
"I find this rather obvious," Spock told him. "I came in second place. But," he added quickly, "This does not matter."
Kirk turned to the person nearest him, and then realized that, in his captain's chair, no one was particularly near him. So he said this to the whole bridge: "I lost!"
"So did I," said Uhura. "But I think that, more importantly than the fact that I lost, is that I'm going to miss Cutie."
"I'll miss Bobo."
"I'll miss Lizzie."
"Well?" McCoy poked Spock.
"Well? I do not understand."
"Won't you miss Sybok?"
"That is illogical-"
"So touching," a cynical voice interrupted. It was, of course, the computer, "But you should know that we're going to arrive at Lotb in ten minutes. And then bye-bye lizards!
"Oh, and I suggest you get your lizards ready for beam-down."
The computer's voice crackled off the speakers. "Sulu, hold the bridge while we all get our lizards," Kirk ordered. He, as well as McCoy, Spock, and Uhura left the bridge to gather their lizards.
*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*
Silver heard the announcement, and she had a myriad of illogical thoughts as she walked up to her quarters. Poor No Name... she was sure that he would not like any planet that she did not reside on; after all, they were linked through her Vulcan mind power.
No Name seemed to understand at least some of what was happening, for he was huddled unhappily in the bottom of his cage, and he was as affectionate as lizards get towards humans when Silver picked him up.
"I'll miss you, No Name," she said.
*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*
The ten minutes passed very quickly, and soon all of the original Lizards Outside the Bun contestants were gathered in the transporter room.
On the screen in the transporter room a greenish-bluish planet came into view.
"Lotb," Kirk murmured. All of the memories he had with Lizzie were coming back. Even that stupid toupee incident. Come to think of it, he'd never even murdered Chekov. Well, that could come later.
"Place your lizards on the transporter pad," the computer instructed. Soon six lizards sat on the six transporter pads. The computer surveyed this scene with satisfaction, until it realized what was wrong. There were seven contestants and seven lizards. Who hadn't given up his-or her-lizard?
Silver.
"Place your lizard on the console! That means you, Ensign Silver," the computer commanded.
"You know what?" Silver said, "I don't want to."
"Before I get angry!"
"You're a computer. Computers don't get angry. It is illogical."
"You would be surprised," the computer said, "Especially when there are lizards involved."
"I still refuse."
"Then I'll just have to-"
The world dissolved around Silver. When everything became clear again, she was in some sort of jungle or forest. Six lizards sat and blinked beside her. And then six figures sparkled into existance.
Strangely enough, those six figures were Kirk, Spock, McCoy, Uhura, Roberts, and Scotty.
For a moment they all just stared at each other. Then McCoy said, "Wonderful. Just wonderful."
"Why are you here? Sir," Silver asked.
"The computer decided that if it was going to beam you down, it might as well beam us down too. So thanks a lot."
"Well, at least we have our lizards!" Silver said. All she received from this was six glares.
Kirk stooped and picked up Lizzie. Maybe he wasn't as good at dealing with insane computers as he had thought.
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And there's chapter eight! I hope you liked. Whether or not you did like it, please review. If you don't review, I won't write, savvy?
Ah, how could I have forgotten! Here are the replies:
*PearlGirl - I personally think it's great you've started reading this (but that might just be me, because I'm the author). Ensign Quinn Krumpethead. Not sure where the name came from. My own twisted little brain, I guess. And definitely keep reading when you have less homework. (HW sucks, doesn't it?)
*Fool of an Elf - Yes, lizards are cool. Maybe either Spock or McCoy will win. I'm not sure yet. Then again, they'd probably argue even if someone else won!
*Alania - Yeah, maybe I should have had the lizards race. But then again, the lizards don't care about the Silver-Hugging-Chekov video...
*Ariennye - Yes, KFA! Keep Fred Alive! Who wants to join? *looks around* No one? Oh well. An no, not the one-headed cannibals! Fred will live! :) :) (I think I may be hyper...)
*mzsnaz - Yes, hug the lizard. Maybe I should hug my fish. Or maybe not... And more is here (but not so soon. Shame on me.)
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Remember, review, or the curse of the Xanthian Hobbits be placed upon you!
----/==\