Disclaimer: No.
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A/N: And again, so sorry I haven't been updating...
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LIZARDS OUTSIDE THE BUN
Chapter Nine – The End
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"So..." McCoy pondered. "What now?"
No one had an answer. However, the uncomfortable silence was broken when four huge lizards charged into the clearing.
"Oh, great. Just great," McCoy drawled. Then he paused. "Am I the only one who talks in this chapter?"
"What?" Kirk asked. "Oh, yeah, I talk too. Here goes. Get away, evil lizards! We come in peace!" He dealt with evil lizards all the time as well. And these didn't look particularly dangerous.
A lizards hissed menacingly.
"Get out your phasers and set them on stun!" Kirk ordered.
"Wait!" Silver cried. "The hissing might not mean anything! They might be... talking, or something."
"Logical," Spock commented.
Silver grinned. "Thanks!"
"But how do we find out?" Uhura asked. "I do communications, but this is a language I've never heard before. I guess only the lizards know."
Whether she meant Cutie, Fred, Engine, Sybok, Lizzie, Bobo, and No Name or the huge lizards who still hissed menacingly, they would never find out. The big lizards heaved a net over them (Where did that come from? McCoy wondered) and continued hissing.
Then suddenly the strangest thing happened. No Name and the other lizards began hissing as well.
"Are they supposed t' do that?" Scotty asked. "Where's Sulu when y' need him?"
"I've got it!" Silver yelled. The others looked at her, startled. Why had she yelled? "I'll ask No Name what they're saying! We're telepathically connected, you know."
"Oh, we know," everyone moaned. Who hadn't been hugged?
Silver closed her eyes and placed her fingers on the lizards temples. "They ask," she said in a strangely flat voice, "Why are we so furry? When we didn't answer, they got mad, and threw the net on us. They said it's not... Lotbian...to not answer."
"Tell them," Kirk said dramatically, "That we're furry because we're... human. And that it's not...human...to throw this net on us."
"Captain—"Spock began.
"Not now," Kirk said shortly. For now Silver was relaying the information to No Name, who hissed back at the lizards. They hissed in reply.
"They say," Silver translated, "that we're ugly."
"Make them take the net off," Kirk said, "Tell them how inhuman it is."
"Captain," Spock said again, "I would like to point out that they are not human."
"I know," Kirk answered. "But it's the... meaning of the word."
"Captain, you often use phrases like 'We're all human' or 'That's just not human' while talking to alien creatures. Because I am a Vulcan, I would simply like to point out that the fact that you're human will not impress the Lotbians."
"Hmm," Kirk thought this over. "Nah, I think it will impress them. It works on all the other aliens."
Spock might have rolled his eyes.
Then, suddenly, the net was removed. Kirk smiled impishly. "Told you."
Silver was still talking to the lizards. "They say that our lizards are very adorable and would do well here when they reached their full size. They ask us to leave our lizards here and kindly remove our...selves" she censored herself. She had a feeling the Captain didn't want to hear what the huge lizards had actually said. "Ourselves from their planet. They say thank you and have a nice day. They are contacting our ship now.
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"Computer, we've got a call coming in from Lotb," Sulu said. The computer had made him sit in the captain's chair and act as an answering machine. There had been nothing he could do. This was, after all, an insane computer.
"What?" the computer thundered. "They have no communicators! Put it on the viewscreen."
Suddenly a large lizard appeared in the middle of the screen. The computer let out a yell of rage. This, like the evil laughter, seemed rather awkward, but the computer probably didn't have much practice in yells of rage. "More lizards!" the computer screamed. "More! Die, lizards, die!"
Sulu and Chekov exchanged glances. Any normal human yelling like this would have looked like they were about to pop, but being human, they would have been unable to. A computer, however, could pop, and that might bring the rest of the ship down with it.
"Nooooo! Lizards!" the computer's yelling suddenly became a high-pitched stream of all the noses computers make when they malfunction.
Then something small exploded in Engineering and the ship was under human control again.
"Whoah," Chekov said, "That vas veird."
#########
The big lizards took the little lizards away. There had been some tearful goodbyes, and this time Spock even admitted to possibly missing Sybok. Then they had been told to wait for their ship.
The Enterprise, now under the command of Sulu and Chekov, had turned around to pick up its commanding officers.
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The next day, everything was almost back to normal. McCoy was the proud winner, Spock still upheld his position of indifference (though he could be seen rechecking the scores for mistakes when he thought no one was looking) Sulu and Chekov were down by a week's pay, and everyone missed their lizards.
Ensign Quinn Krumpethead wrote a letter to Kirk asking if they could repeat the contest using monkeys, but Kirk said no. If a lizard could take a toupee, imagine how easy it would be for a monkey!
Then, a week later, some Klingons attacked, and if anything gets your mind off lizards, it's attacking Klingons.
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The lizards were almost completely forgotten until many years later. Starfleet had once again come in contact with Lotb. The hissing was now translated by the new and super-sophisticated computers.
Starfleet was greeted by a group of seven lizards. The were wrinkly and old, but somehow they seemed to recognize the Starfleet ships.
This was considered a huge mystery and was the wonder of many scientists for a long time. It was only solved when the lizards offered their names: Lizzie, Sybok, Bobo, Engine, Cutie, Fred, and No Name.
"What?" a random scientist of the future asked. "What's your name?"
"No Name," the lizard hissed. "Never mind."
#########
And then the author kept typing and the reader kept reading.
"What's up with that?" McCoy wondered.
"I don't know. The story is ower. They should go home."
"But what if they are home?" Sulu asked.
"Then they should stop reading."
"First we have to give them the reviewer replies! Even though it's been so long since the author first stranded us on that planet that they probably forgot what they wrote," Sulu said darkly.
And then the author stopped writing about Star Trek characters and replied to the reviews.
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mzsnaz – You know, I don't know what Xanthian Hobbits are either. Imagine that. And come to think of it, I don't really know how to pronounce Lotb either. Lob or Lot. Or maybe Lotbuh. Thanks for reading.
Alania – The planet was just called Lotb, actually. Not that it matters. Thanks for reading.
scifimimi – I don't know what the curse of the Xanthian hobbits is. Oh well. I'm glad you liked it. Thanks for reading.
Patrick – So glad you thought it was funny. I guess you found out what happens... Anyway, thanks for reading.
bookwormqueen – Here's the rest of the story... glad you liked it. Thanks for reading.
Fool of an Elf – The adventures on Lotb were kind of short, I guess. But if they's been longer I would have never updated and the story would never end. Anyway, thanks for reading.
Smenzer – That wasn't the end... But this is. Thanks for reading.
Meakashi Gosterful – You cheered? Hee hee. I guess I didn't end in a Spock McCoy tye, but I hope you liked it anyway. Thanks for reading.
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And now, it's actually the end. Please leave a review. To tell me how you liked it. Thankee!
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A/N: And again, so sorry I haven't been updating...
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LIZARDS OUTSIDE THE BUN
Chapter Nine – The End
#########
"So..." McCoy pondered. "What now?"
No one had an answer. However, the uncomfortable silence was broken when four huge lizards charged into the clearing.
"Oh, great. Just great," McCoy drawled. Then he paused. "Am I the only one who talks in this chapter?"
"What?" Kirk asked. "Oh, yeah, I talk too. Here goes. Get away, evil lizards! We come in peace!" He dealt with evil lizards all the time as well. And these didn't look particularly dangerous.
A lizards hissed menacingly.
"Get out your phasers and set them on stun!" Kirk ordered.
"Wait!" Silver cried. "The hissing might not mean anything! They might be... talking, or something."
"Logical," Spock commented.
Silver grinned. "Thanks!"
"But how do we find out?" Uhura asked. "I do communications, but this is a language I've never heard before. I guess only the lizards know."
Whether she meant Cutie, Fred, Engine, Sybok, Lizzie, Bobo, and No Name or the huge lizards who still hissed menacingly, they would never find out. The big lizards heaved a net over them (Where did that come from? McCoy wondered) and continued hissing.
Then suddenly the strangest thing happened. No Name and the other lizards began hissing as well.
"Are they supposed t' do that?" Scotty asked. "Where's Sulu when y' need him?"
"I've got it!" Silver yelled. The others looked at her, startled. Why had she yelled? "I'll ask No Name what they're saying! We're telepathically connected, you know."
"Oh, we know," everyone moaned. Who hadn't been hugged?
Silver closed her eyes and placed her fingers on the lizards temples. "They ask," she said in a strangely flat voice, "Why are we so furry? When we didn't answer, they got mad, and threw the net on us. They said it's not... Lotbian...to not answer."
"Tell them," Kirk said dramatically, "That we're furry because we're... human. And that it's not...human...to throw this net on us."
"Captain—"Spock began.
"Not now," Kirk said shortly. For now Silver was relaying the information to No Name, who hissed back at the lizards. They hissed in reply.
"They say," Silver translated, "that we're ugly."
"Make them take the net off," Kirk said, "Tell them how inhuman it is."
"Captain," Spock said again, "I would like to point out that they are not human."
"I know," Kirk answered. "But it's the... meaning of the word."
"Captain, you often use phrases like 'We're all human' or 'That's just not human' while talking to alien creatures. Because I am a Vulcan, I would simply like to point out that the fact that you're human will not impress the Lotbians."
"Hmm," Kirk thought this over. "Nah, I think it will impress them. It works on all the other aliens."
Spock might have rolled his eyes.
Then, suddenly, the net was removed. Kirk smiled impishly. "Told you."
Silver was still talking to the lizards. "They say that our lizards are very adorable and would do well here when they reached their full size. They ask us to leave our lizards here and kindly remove our...selves" she censored herself. She had a feeling the Captain didn't want to hear what the huge lizards had actually said. "Ourselves from their planet. They say thank you and have a nice day. They are contacting our ship now.
#########
"Computer, we've got a call coming in from Lotb," Sulu said. The computer had made him sit in the captain's chair and act as an answering machine. There had been nothing he could do. This was, after all, an insane computer.
"What?" the computer thundered. "They have no communicators! Put it on the viewscreen."
Suddenly a large lizard appeared in the middle of the screen. The computer let out a yell of rage. This, like the evil laughter, seemed rather awkward, but the computer probably didn't have much practice in yells of rage. "More lizards!" the computer screamed. "More! Die, lizards, die!"
Sulu and Chekov exchanged glances. Any normal human yelling like this would have looked like they were about to pop, but being human, they would have been unable to. A computer, however, could pop, and that might bring the rest of the ship down with it.
"Nooooo! Lizards!" the computer's yelling suddenly became a high-pitched stream of all the noses computers make when they malfunction.
Then something small exploded in Engineering and the ship was under human control again.
"Whoah," Chekov said, "That vas veird."
#########
The big lizards took the little lizards away. There had been some tearful goodbyes, and this time Spock even admitted to possibly missing Sybok. Then they had been told to wait for their ship.
The Enterprise, now under the command of Sulu and Chekov, had turned around to pick up its commanding officers.
#########
The next day, everything was almost back to normal. McCoy was the proud winner, Spock still upheld his position of indifference (though he could be seen rechecking the scores for mistakes when he thought no one was looking) Sulu and Chekov were down by a week's pay, and everyone missed their lizards.
Ensign Quinn Krumpethead wrote a letter to Kirk asking if they could repeat the contest using monkeys, but Kirk said no. If a lizard could take a toupee, imagine how easy it would be for a monkey!
Then, a week later, some Klingons attacked, and if anything gets your mind off lizards, it's attacking Klingons.
#########
The lizards were almost completely forgotten until many years later. Starfleet had once again come in contact with Lotb. The hissing was now translated by the new and super-sophisticated computers.
Starfleet was greeted by a group of seven lizards. The were wrinkly and old, but somehow they seemed to recognize the Starfleet ships.
This was considered a huge mystery and was the wonder of many scientists for a long time. It was only solved when the lizards offered their names: Lizzie, Sybok, Bobo, Engine, Cutie, Fred, and No Name.
"What?" a random scientist of the future asked. "What's your name?"
"No Name," the lizard hissed. "Never mind."
#########
And then the author kept typing and the reader kept reading.
"What's up with that?" McCoy wondered.
"I don't know. The story is ower. They should go home."
"But what if they are home?" Sulu asked.
"Then they should stop reading."
"First we have to give them the reviewer replies! Even though it's been so long since the author first stranded us on that planet that they probably forgot what they wrote," Sulu said darkly.
And then the author stopped writing about Star Trek characters and replied to the reviews.
#########
mzsnaz – You know, I don't know what Xanthian Hobbits are either. Imagine that. And come to think of it, I don't really know how to pronounce Lotb either. Lob or Lot. Or maybe Lotbuh. Thanks for reading.
Alania – The planet was just called Lotb, actually. Not that it matters. Thanks for reading.
scifimimi – I don't know what the curse of the Xanthian hobbits is. Oh well. I'm glad you liked it. Thanks for reading.
Patrick – So glad you thought it was funny. I guess you found out what happens... Anyway, thanks for reading.
bookwormqueen – Here's the rest of the story... glad you liked it. Thanks for reading.
Fool of an Elf – The adventures on Lotb were kind of short, I guess. But if they's been longer I would have never updated and the story would never end. Anyway, thanks for reading.
Smenzer – That wasn't the end... But this is. Thanks for reading.
Meakashi Gosterful – You cheered? Hee hee. I guess I didn't end in a Spock McCoy tye, but I hope you liked it anyway. Thanks for reading.
#########
And now, it's actually the end. Please leave a review. To tell me how you liked it. Thankee!