Disclaimer: The genius Tolkien created Middle-earth and all it's inhabitants, he did not, however create the Mary-Sues that constantly screw with it, so they are fair game. Inspiration for this story comes from the 'Protectors of the Plot Continuum' and the 'Official Fanfiction University of Middle-earth.' For those who haven't read either: Shame on you! Go do so! The PPC belongs to Jay and Acacia, the creators and OFUM belongs to Miss Cam. Most characters belong to themselves or to the people they are based upon. What else? Oh! I stole the name 'S.W.A.T.', obviously from S.W.A.T Law enforcements, though their name means 'Special Weapons and Tactics.' Enjoy!
S.W.A.T: Sue Warning and Termination
Day 1: Welcome to S.W.A.T.
S.W.A.T. H.Q. Location: Undisclosed
Time: 1012 hours
With a loud yawn AJ Corwin stretched out on the bus stop bench. She cracked her neck and glanced at her watch. The neon numbers read: 10:12. With a frown AJ looked closer. It had been 10:12 for almost five minutes!
"God damn it!" She exclaimed, tearing the broken watch off her wrist and stuffing it into her sweatshirt pocket. Bumping her hand against a folded piece of paper. AJ sighed and propped her chin up on her elbows. "Where the hell are they?" She growled.
"Right behind you." Someone said into her ear.
AJ leapt to her feet with a yelp and spun to face whatever was behind her, her hand automatically going for the kunai knife she carried with her on her belt.
There wasn't anyone behind her except... a squirrel?
AJ blinked and stared at the squirrel; well at least she thought it was a squirrel. It stood over a foot tall and stared at her with an intelligent gleam in its eyes.
As she watched the rodent wearily AJ's eye started to twitch uncontrollably. She hated squirrels, to the extent that she feared them.
"Quit staring at me as if I just sprouted a second head!" The squirrel growled.
AJ flinched. "I knew it. I should have taken my meds this morning. Giant squirrels are talking to me." She muttered to herself.
"Are you done muttering to yourself now? Because I can assure you I am supposed to be talking." The squirrel said examining a paw carelessly.
"I guess so—"AJ began.
"Good! Because we're running behind schedule!" The overgrown woodland creature said checking a watch on its wrist. "Follow me!"
It bounded off down the street, AJ following chanting, "I'm late! I'm late! For a very important date!"
The squirrel led the way to a small park. Once there it dashed into a set of giant bushes.
AJ paused in front of the bushes, weary. 'I must be going insane.' She decided as she ducked into the bushes.
The squirrel was digging in the ground, muttering to its self as it did so. It said things like: "Could have sworn it was here." And "Leah better not start orientation early." And finally "Wonder if we've any new 'sues."
Utterly confused by the last remark, AJ decided to let it drop and watched as the squirrel finally found what it was digging for. It soon had uprooted...a plunger?
"Grab hold!" It said, checking it's little watch again.
Reluctantly AJ did so. She felt as though her arm would be jerked from its socket. She felt a tug from behind her navel and she was flying though the air. Just as she was getting used to the strange, slightly painful way of travel, she was slammed into the ground.
Overbalancing, AJ rolled on the ground and landed in a crouched position.
"Well I'm jealous!" Someone said nearby.
AJ looked around. She had landed in a massive room in the midst of a crowd of people. Everyone was staring at her.
Her face grew hot as she stood up and brushed herself off, trying to act, unsuccessfully, as if nothing had happened.
She remembered something and turned to ask the giant squirrel a question, but it was gone.
AJ turned back to the crowd and walked over to a girl who looked about her age.
"Um, excuse me." She said quietly.
"Hm?" The girl turned to face her. She had chocolate brown hair and bright green eyes "Oh, hi! My name's Rachel." She said with a grin and held out her hand for AJ to shake.
"I'm AJ." AJ said, taking Rachel's hand.
"Nice entrance back there, by the way." Rachel joked.
"It's kind of a natural reaction." She responded, turning pink. Glancing around herself she asked, "Where are we?"
Rachel cocked her head, giving her an odd look. "Didn't you read your letter?"
AJ froze and pulled the folded note from her sweatshirt. "You mean this is S.W.A.T?"
Rachel grinned again. "Yup! Oh! Looks like the orientation's about to begin."
Both teens looked forward to a podium up on a stage.
A woman climbed onto the stage, her blonde hair pulled back into a ponytail. The lights in the ceiling reflected off of several piercings that marched up her ears, and appeared on her eyebrow and nose. She cleared her throat into the microphone.
Silence engulfed the room, but not before someone loudly said "He did what?!"
All eyes were on a girl who instantly blushed and apologized softly.
A couple chuckles were heard in the crowd before the woman at the microphone began.
"Hello, everyone. As I'm sure all of you know by reading the letter we sent you, each and every one of you has been hand picked from hundreds to work here. 'Here' is Sue Warning and Termination. Fondly called S.W.A.T. by all its employees. How many of you read Fanfiction?" almost every hand went into the air "How many of you have ever heard of or read a story about a Mary-Sue?" the majority of people raised their hands again. "Good. For everyone else, a Mary-Sue is an Original Character written into Fanfiction stories. Mary-Sues disrupt the entire canon of the story. They change characters so they are so OOC—that's Out of Character—that they are no longer recognizable. They use improper grammar, and misspell everything they can. They in themselves are the most annoying things that have ever breathed. They can do anything. Anything at all, shoot, use a sword, fly a star fighter, tame a wild animal, anything. And they do it still looking absolutely perfect. In a word they are perfect. Too absolutely perfect to exist.
"We take care of that problem here at S.W.A.T. We eradicate all Sues from the canon and restore natural order, balance, and set the canon to rights. All of you," she pointed into the audience, "Have been chosen to help us do this. You have all been separated into your departments and assigned partners. You all will attend classes for a few months to learn all that you need to know. This first week will be all classes. But starting after that, due to the fact that we are understaffed, you will alternate two days of class to one day of work." She paused a moment as if trying remember something, "Ah, yes. Please note not to touch the perimeter fence, there are sensors that release a pack of animals if you trigger them." Noticing the frightened looks on all of the recruits' faces she added, "They aren't made for you! We have captured Mary-Sues here. If any of them manages to escape the triggers are for them. Now, what have I forgotten? Oh yeah! My name is Hael Trout, and I am Head here. Any questions or complaints go to anyone but me. Oh, and 'Welcome to S.W.A.T.'" With that Hael stepped off the stage and there were polite golf claps.
AJ watched Hael disappear outside the room. She was still very confused as to what she was doing here.
Someone tapped on the microphone, drawing everyone's attention back to the stage.
The giant squirrel sat in front of the microphone. Most stared at it as AJ had when she first saw it. Although, some seemed to have no problem with the giant creature behind the microphone.
"Everyone listen up! I only want to say this once. In a minute everyone is going to quietly file out of this room through those doors," It pointed to a pair of giant double doors to the right. "Everyone go down the stairs and outside. We will be handing out your assignments, class schedules, dorm room assignments, and, for some, partners." It grinned in a very unsquirrelish manner sending chills down AJ's spine. "Okay, let's go!"
The crowd of people began to move slowly towards the door, AJ lost sight of Rachel and soon found herself next to a stocky, though tall girl with reddish brown hair pulled back into a rough ponytail. She was dressed in over-dyed jeans and a dark shirt.
She grinned at AJ and said, "Hey there! My name's Tala. Tala Kaliska."
AJ smiled back shyly. "I'm AJ Corwin."
"Can you believe that there's a giant talking squirrel here?! It's amazing!" Tala exclaimed, glancing back to the stage, but the giant squirrel was gone.
The thought of the massive intelligent rodent made AJ shudder uncomfortably.
"What's wrong with you?" Someone asked from behind her.
AJ turned around and found herself facing a muscular young woman with very dark hair and black eyes set against tan skin. She wore baggy white pants that tied at her ankle and a sleeveless white top.
"Oh, I just don't like squirrels that much." AJ said staring at the floor in embarrassment.
"Really? Did one attack you when you were younger?" she asked.
Tala giggled. "Get attacked by a squirrel? How would that happen?"
"It happens quite often, actually." Another voice said, "Especially here, when people don't respect me."
All three girls looked down to find none other than the giant talking squirrel sitting at the top of the stairs, right next to them.
AJ paled and her eye twitched.
"So that's why your eye kept twitching! I thought you had an eyelash in it or something." The woodland creature said, snapping its...paw?
Tala laughed outright now, and someone swatted her on the head with a large hardcover book. "Owie!" she exclaimed rubbing her head and turning to glare at the offending person.
Only to come face to face with Hael.
Hael regarded the three for a moment and said, "Keep moving, you're keeping up the line!"
Sure enough, quite a few people were trapped behind them.
With sheepish smiles the three caught up with the rest of the crowd.
"Oh, by the way, I'm Morfinwen." The woman said, holding out her hand.
AJ took her hand. "AJ."
Soon the entire crowd was descending a staircase and making their way out a pair of double doors to a large grassy courtyard complete with benches and a rather interesting fountain that resembled a school of tropical fish. In the courtyard there were a number of tables set up with people seated behind them. In front of each table was a large sign reading 'Last Name' followed by a list of numbers.
The crowd slowly thinned as people dispersed to the correct table. AJ wandered over to the table that read: "A-C"
She got in the back of the line, and waited. And waited. And grew very bored as she did so. In boredom she pulled out a kunai knife and began absentmindedly cleaning her nails with it.
After what seemed like forever she was at the table.
Behind it sat a girl with wavy, dirty blond hair and really bright blue eyes. "Last name?" she asked not glancing up from her stack of papers.
"Corwin."
The hobbitish girl skimmed down the list and asked, "AJ?" she nodded. "You've been assigned as an assassin—we'll find out where in a moment—your dorm is Stable 'B.' Your partner is Sammy Wing—you'll get to meet her in a minute." She handed AJ a stack of papers. "Here is your class schedule, a campus map, guidelines, and a book list." She clapped her hands together. "Now, let's see where you've been assigned." She dug through the pile of papers and found the one she needed. With a triumphant "Ah hah!" she held it up and glanced at it.
AJ tried to read what it said but the hobbit girl had already put it away. She looked at AJ sympathetically.
"I'm sorry. You've been assigned Lord of the Rings and all attached fandoms." She winced at the thought. "Good luck, you'll need it."
AJ blinked in confusion but was ushered away from the table so the next person could be assigned.
"You realize you're going to get run over if you stand there, right?" someone said calmly.
AJ glanced at the person who had spoken. It was another teenaged girl, a bit taller than herself, with long black hair. She was dressed in a long-sleeved black shirt and black yoga pants. Beside her was another girl, grinning insanely, dressed in what could only be described as robes. She had very short, spiked blue hair that stood out in the crowd and earrings marching up her ear.
"Hi! I'm Claire! This is Kess!" The girl with spiked hair said, still grinning.
"I'm AJ."
"Where'd you get assigned? You look like you're in shock." Kess said, considerably calmer than her friend.
"I'm an assassin, for Lord of the Rings." AJ said, still not believing it herself.
Both girls winced.
"Oh, bad luck." Claire said. "But, we're assassins too!"
"Except we're for Harry Potter." Kess continued.
"But this should be fun!" Claire exclaimed happily
"We get to kill the most evil beings ever!" Kess said, a frightening grin forming on her face.
"Mary-Sues." They chorused in hushed voices.
All over the campus dingos howled, lightning flashed overhead, and old Spice Girls music played in the distance.
AJ looked around, confused. Had nobody else noticed the cheesy special effects?
"So, do you know how we're going to eliminate them?" AJ asked still looking around suspiciously.
"Any way you want to really." Claire said with a shrug and whipped out a set of Tojo blades. Tojo blades were, in a sense a miniature buzz saw, they were small disks with blades that could be spun on a special device and used as a saw, or spun and thrown.
"Yeah, Mary-Sues—"Dingos howled, lightning flashed and Spice Girls sang. "—are all vermin. The only good one is a dead one." Kess had daggers in hand as if ready to attack.
AJ nodded, not knowing what else to say.
"You're a quiet one, for an assassin. You sure you up to killing people?" Claire asked, putting her blades away inside her robes.
"Yeah, I'm just quiet, it comes with how I was trained." AJ said with a shrug.
"Eh? And how were you trained?" Kess said tilting her head.
"Erm... I'm actually a ninja..." AJ said quietly
"Really?! Cool!" Claire and Kess exclaimed much too loudly. AJ tried her hardest to disappear.
"Yeah, so I was trained in stealth and silence." AJ continued, trying to distract the two so nobody would look over.
AJ saw Tala and Morfinwen in the crowd and smiled as the two waved energetically as they made their way towards her.
"So, what department are you in?" Tala asked with a large grin.
"I'm an assassin, for Lord of the Rings." AJ responded.
The two winced.
"Sorry to hear that. Who's your partner?" Morfinwen said with a sympathetic pat on AJ's shoulder.
"Sammy Wing." AJ recited. "I've no idea who she is."
Her four friends looked lost in thought for a moment then snapped out of it.
"Doesn't ring a bell." Claire said
"Nope." Tala said with a shrug.
Morfinwen and Kess just shook their heads.
"Who're you two by the way?"
Kess and Claire introduced themselves, as did Tala and Morfinwen.
"What dorm did you get?" Claire asked their small group.
"Main Barracks, floor 3." Tala read off of a sheet of paper in her hand.
"Same, except floor 8." Morfinwen said, making a face.
"Stable 'B'." AJ said
"Main Barracks, ground floor!" Kess and Claire exclaimed, exchanging high fives.
"I'm going to go see if I can find my partner. I'd like to meet her." AJ said and waved to her friends as she pulled her map out of her pocket.
After a quick glance at the map she began to walk towards the stables. As she got close she heard someone yelling, "Get them away from me!"
AJ raced towards the voice and saw that a girl with very short dark brown hair, rectangle glasses, and deep brown eyes was being attacked by... butterflies?
Raising an eyebrow she trotted over to the girl, now rolling on the ground in a manner that reminded AJ of a seizure. She swatted a couple of neon yellow butterflies away from the girl. The butterflies hissed at AJ and flew away, leaving a rather confused ninja in their wake.
"You okay?" she asked the girl on the ground.
"Yeah, fine. Bloody butterflies..." she muttered, then smiled at AJ, "Thanks. You saved me from those nasty little things."
"No problem." AJ said, starting to realize than nothing normal would happen at S.W.A.T.
"I'm Toni Geens." She said holding her hand out.
"AJ Corwin." AJ said taking the girls hand.
"So, what department are you in?" Toni asked brushing herself off casually.
"Assassin for Lord of the Rings." AJ sighed.
Toni winced.
"Why does everyone keep doing that?!" AJ growled stuffing her hands in her pockets angrily.
"Didn't you ever read Fanfiction?" Toni asked, watching AJ.
"Not really..." Was the girl's quiet answer.
"What?!" Toni exclaimed, jaw dropping. A second later she regained her composure and cleared her throat. "You see, of all the subjects for people to write about, Lord of the Rings is the most common—many reasons why, I'm sure—but the point is the more Fanfictions written, the more Mary-Sues created." AJ paled reasonably.
"Shit."
"To say the least," Toni said and glanced at her watch. "Oops, sorry, must dash!" That said Toni raced off across the campus. "See you around AJ!"
AJ waved and was left to her own thoughts as she finished making her way across the massive campus to Stable 'B.' 'Why me of all people?!'
Finally the stable loomed over her. She wouldn't actually call it a stable, really. It was more like a three story house, with stalls on the bottom floor. Glancing down the large aisle of stalls she realized how big a place this was. Soon she stumbled across a flight of stairs and made her way up.
The second floor looked like an apartment complex. Doors scattered the hall with names written onto bronze plaques on each door.
She walked down the hall glancing at the names until she found the one labeled, Lord of the Rings: AJ Corwin and Sammy Wing.
She turned the knob and entered, only to be tackled by someone as soon as she entered the room.
To be continued...
Author's Note:
Well here's chapter two! If any of the people I added here have complaints or anything tell me and I'll fix them. Sorry it took so long to update. My Beta #1 took a long time in editing. Feel free to yell at her and/or throw rotten food at her [innocent smile]. Due to pestering by another friend I am glad to announce that my new Beta #3 is none other than Silma! [scattered applause] More thanks to Beta #2 (can you make me some of those cookies? Please? They're so good!) for her excellent help and constant complaints of: "When are you going to post?" I think I'm the only person on earth who has 3 Beta Readers... Whatever... More thanks to the WPZ Pony Barn, especially Leah and Rachel (See you two Sunday!).
Special thanks to: Goddess of the Moon, Kelli, AAAclub, nienna- yavetil, Hobbit-eyes, Orliey, Bed 'N' Breakfast, Shadis DaKitty, Silma, Dew- Shan of Egypt, and Beloved Fool for their kind reviews! I love you guys! See y'all around!
Still Wanted:
Characters needed to fill positions in S.W.A.T.! If interested please send me an E-mail asking for an application/character
bio. I'll try and get everyone I can into this! Also Mary-Sue fanfics needed so S.W.A.T. students can learn the basics. Find fanfics online or
write one and send it in!