Disclaimer: The genius Tolkien created Middle-earth and all it's inhabitants, he did not, however create the Mary-Sues that constantly screw with it, so they are fair game. Inspiration for this story comes from the 'Protectors of the Plot Continuum' and the 'Official Fanfiction University of Middle-earth.' For those who haven't read either: Shame on you! Go do so! The PPC belongs to Jay and Acacia, the creators and OFUM belongs to Miss Cam. Most characters belong to themselves or to the people they are based upon. What else? Oh! I stole the name 'S.W.A.T.', obviously from S.W.A.T Law enforcements, though their name means 'Special Weapons and Tactics.' Enjoy!
Random Advertisement: Don't forget to visit the S.W.A.T. Website at:
S.W.A.T: Sue Warning and Termination
Day 1: Attack Animals and Escape
S.W.A.T. H.Q.
Location: Undisclosed
Time: 1237 hours
She turned the knob and entered, only to be tackled by someone as soon as she entered the room...
With a yelp of shock AJ and her attacker landed with a thud in a heap on the floor. After a quick struggle AJ found herself in a headlock.
"Who are you?" Her attacker growled from behind.
"AJ." She croaked.
"Oh! Okay!" With that she was released. Her attacker offered AJ a hand and helped to hoist her to her feet. "My name's Sammy Wing."
"AJ Corwin."
"Nice to meet you! Sorry about the headlock back there." Sammy said rubbing the back of her head in embarrassment.
"It's okay." AJ said and took a good look at her partner. Sammy was tall, about 5'10" and looked to be at least 20, maybe older. She had brown hair pulled back into two French braids ending in a bun at the nape of her neck. She wore a dark green tank top and slightly baggy blue jeans.
"So, I hope you don't mind, but I took this bed." Sammy was saying pointing to one side of the room. There was a small bed pushed into a corner. Glancing around, she saw that there was another bed on the other side of the room. There were a couple of boxes on Sammy's bed, one of which was half unpacked.
AJ wandered to the free bed and collapsed on it.
"Oh yeah, be careful when you sit on your bed," Sammy began
"Why?" AJ asked lifting her head from the pillow.
There was a pop and three large boxes materialized out of nowhere above her and fell on her with a crash.
AJ moaned from beneath the pile of things.
"I tried to warn you." Sammy said, pulling a stack of books out from one of her boxes and placing them on a shelf.
Once AJ disentangled herself from her things she began looking at them all.
Most were completely understandable. She pulled out clothes, books, her weapons, toiletries, her 'Wall-o-Fame,' which was actually a dart board covered with pictures of people she dislikes, and—
"A stuffed tiger!" Sammy laughed with disbelief from across the room.
AJ turned red and quickly stuffed her favorite childhood toy under her pillow.
"Awww. It's so cute... wittle AJ needs her tiger." Sammy was nearly crying from laughter
"It's not that funny!" AJ exclaimed, turning a shade of red that made a tomato look pale.
Her partner was holding a stitch in her side, "Ouch! It hurts!"
AJ turned to glare at her partner, picking up the largest hardcover book she could find, which just happened to be a very large dictionary. She noticed something hidden in the bottom of one of Sammy's boxes and pulled it out.
"Awww. Is this your stuffed unicorn Sammy? It's so cute!" She grinned evilly, holding up the aged toy to show Sammy.
The woman froze, glared, stood up and snatched the unicorn back.
"I won't say a word if you don't." AJ said with a grin firmly planted on her face.
"Deal."
The two shook hands and continued to unpack their possessions. Sammy finished unpacking soon after and dumped out the thick packet they'd been given in the courtyard on her bed.
"Damn. Why'd they have to use this picture of me? How'd they get this picture anyway?" Sammy complained looking at a small card.
"Eh?" AJ snuck a peek over Sammy's shoulder. She was holding an ID card. The picture was not all that flattering. AJ choked back a laugh.
Sammy swiftly slapped AJ upside the head with a thick hard covered book entitled: '1,001 terms and/or things to know when working in S.W.A.T.' She sneered at AJ. "And your picture is any better?"
AJ pulled out her packet, found her ID, and promptly winced.
"Is that even you?" Sammy inquired, pointing to the picture.
AJ shuddered involuntarily. "Sadly."
Sammy snorted and fought back laughter. Stuffing her ID in her pocket with a sigh AJ asked, "Hey, do you know where the bathroom is?"
"Down the hall, to the left." Sammy responded, as she flipped through a manga. No sooner had she stepped into the hall than something collided into her, sending her falling to the floor in a heap.
"Oww... that hurt" She stated, rather calmly to the ceiling.
"You can say that again." A muffled familiar voice said a few feet away.
With a wince AJ sat up and looked at the person in question.
Rachel lay flat on her face in the middle of the hall. The brunette pushed herself to her knees. "That was a rush!" she exclaimed, then noticed whom she'd hit. "AJ! Cool! We're on the same floor! Sorry about hitting you, the floor's slippery! It's really fun to slide on! It works best if you only wear socks too!"
With that she leapt to her feet and ran a few steps before sliding the rest of the way down the hall, and straight into the men's bathroom.
There was a moment of shocked silence then a muffled yell and Rachel saying, "Sorry about that!"
Rachel flew out of the bathroom and slid once more on the floor, though this time she didn't hit anything, she just lost her balance and landed with a thud on her back.
Golf claps filled the hallway. Sammy, who had opened the door when AJ had been hit, was scribbling on a piece of cardboard.
She held up the sign that now read: '8.4' and said "It was a good fall, not enough flailing of the arms though. Your face gave you extra points too."
Rachel leapt to her feet and took a corny bow. "Thank you! Thank—"
"Attention!" A voice boomed over some unseen loudspeakers. People spun around in the hall, trying to locate the speakers. "All new recruits get your asses down to the main practice fields now. If all of you aren't there in 5 minutes you will spend the night with the 'Sues." The results of such a threat were instantaneous. The entire dorm emptied in a flood of chaos, Rachel still in her socks, Sammy with a copy of "Rurouni Kenshin" in hand, AJ with a very full bladder, and everyone else in various states of disarray.
Quickly, everyone trotted to the main practice fields, which were located between the main barracks and the stables. They were greeted by a massive assortment of crates in the center of the field. The crates ranged in size from hand-sized to car-size. Many of the crates shook and a few squawked.
AJ peered around, looking for familiar faces in the massive crowd. Kess and Claire soon appeared out of the crowd and made their way over to AJ and Sammy with difficulty. Morfinwen and Tala also found their way over to the group. Someone tapped AJ on the shoulder and she turned to see Toni behind her. Soon everyone was in small groups.
Everyone was eyeing the crates nervously as they talked quietly.
"Is everyone here?" Someone called over the murmur of the crowd.
Everyone fell silent and stared towards the middle of the field. There was a teenager standing atop a crate waving to get everyone's attention.
"Good! Now everyone take a seat right over here!" She indicated the area in front of the crates. "Due to the fact that you have some time tonight we, the staff, have decided we'd give you all your first weapon tonight. In these crates we have your Attack Animals. All of them once belonged to Mary-Sues—"Dingo's howled, lightning flashed, and Spice Girls played. "—all of them have been rescued and trained to attack any 'Sue they are told to. We have everything you can think of from horses to hawks to soot-balls and more. Everyone will receive a piece of paper with a number on it. The number corresponds to the number on the crate. The creature within is yours. You will feed it, play with it and come to depend on it. By the way, my name's Alicia and because we are understaffed I am your 'Training your Attack Animal' teacher as well as head of the Creature Management Department. Now, everyone line up and take a number out of this bin!" Alicia hopped off of the crate and plopped a bin in the middle of the space between the crates and the beginners.
AJ, Sammy, Toni, Rachel, Kess, Claire, Morfinwen, and Tala got in line and after a few minutes in line had a small piece of paper each.
"On the count of three..." Tala said, holding up the papers once they were out of the way.
"One." Sammy said.
"Two." Morfinwen followed.
"Three!" Kess and Claire exclaimed at the same moment.
All eight of them opened their papers.
"33!" Toni exclaimed.
"Lucky 7!" Tala said happily.
"23." Morfinwen read.
"16." Claire said
"47." Sammy read
"29." Rachel said.
"51." AJ said
"13." Kess finished with a grin.
"Sorry about that." Rachel said, clapping Kess on the shoulder.
"About what? 13's my lucky number!" Kess replied with a rather sinister grin.
"Stay in a group and go in order?" Tala asked her friends.
Everyone nodded in agreement.
"Yay! Me first!" Tala exclaimed and bounded off down the line of crates to number 7. It was medium sized and Tala tore the top off before anyone could blink.
Inside the crate was a pink, fluffy, winged unicorn the size of a dog.
Everyone blinked at the creature except for Tala who gave the unicorn a great big hug. It squawked in a very bird-like manner but didn't retaliate.
"That, without a doubt, is the most obvious Mary-Sue—"dingos, lightning and Spice Girls "—'Fuzzy Animal Friend' I've ever seen!" Sammy exclaimed.
"Its name is 'Starbright'" Tala read off of the crate.
"Figures." Morfinwen sighed.
The unicorn gave the group a look that clearly said, "What the hell are you looking at?"
Everyone exchanged glances and shrugged.
"Okay." Kess said, promptly killing the silence, and lead the way to the massive crate numbered 13.
The crate had a 'door' on the front, which was nothing more than a hole and a set of hinges.
Kess opened the giant door and peered in. She gave a happy squeal and disappeared inside.
"You're so pretty!" She exclaimed from within.
The remaining seven outside cautiously opened the door to find Kess hugging a massive black draft horse. The horse was very interested in its new mistress and nibbled her hair. AJ noticed that its eyes were blood red but said nothing about it.
"I dub thee Doom!" Kess announced. Doom whickered in agreement.
"Onward to my crate!" Claire announced in an overly dramatic way as she sashayed over to the crate numbered 16.
Crate 16 was smaller than Doom's crate had been, and shook violently as Claire pried the lid off. A streak of black and white hopped out and promptly began nuzzling against Claire.
"Awww. I've always wanted a penguin!" she said and hugged the arctic bird. "Any name on the crate?"
AJ looked the crate over. "Nothing."
"Good! I'll call him.... Um..." She paused then exclaimed, "Jack Sparrow!"
Jack squawked approval and began preening his feathers.
Morfinwen led the way to the crate numbered 23. She inspected the crate for a name but couldn't find one. "Perfect. And I can't think of a name right now..." she muttered as she opened up the box. A hawk fluttered out and landed on Morfinwen's shoulder.
The girl grinned and stroked the hawk's chest feathers. "Sadly you're going to be nameless until I figure something out..." the hawk didn't make a noise but instead began preening Morfinwen's hair.
"My turn!" Rachel exclaimed and trotted over to crate 29 excitedly. She wasted no time in opening it up and promptly pounced on her Attack Animal. "It's so cute!" She exclaimed and pulled out a Labrador puppy. Well, it should have been a lab, except it was...gray.
"His name's Max." Kess said pointing to the writing on the crate.
AJ wasn't sure if Rachel had heard or not, she was talking to the puppy excitedly and Max was barking in reply.
"Right! My turn!" Toni stepped a few feet over to crate 33 and read the name on the box. "Star? Cute name." She opened the crate and grabbed the creature within in a giant hug. "I got a dog! Yay!"
Indeed, Star was a young looking black Labrador who wagged her tail excitedly and licked Toni's face.
"Yes! My turn!" Sammy said pumping the air with her fist. She bounded happily over to crate 47 and tore it open.
Everyone peered inside where the strangest creature sat. It was a blue, and I mean blue tabby cat. Except it had a pair of small antlers on its head. It looked up at Sammy and cocked its head.
"It looks like a jackalope, except, not." Kess said patting Doom on the neck.
"Rain." Sammy stated. Everyone looked at her curiously. "Her name's Rain."
"And last but not least!" Rachel said dramatically indicating to AJ with odd gestures as Max barked excitedly around her feet.
AJ wandered to her crate and pried the lid open. Something small leapt out and AJ caught the creature in her arms.
If she didn't know any better she'd say it was a cat. The creature was small enough to sit on her hand, virtually weightless, and had two tails. Its fur was black, except a diamond of cream on its head, boots and a stripe around each fluffy tail. Its eyes were large and bright red.
It looked at AJ and meowed, sounding like a squeaky toy.
There was a collective 'Awww' from AJ and her friends and the cat grinned, looking like the Cheshire cat with sharper teeth.
"Guys, I need name ideas..." AJ said absently petting her cat-thing.
"How about—"Kess started but was cut off by Claire.
"Savvy!" The girl exclaimed, startling Jack who was in her arms.
"No!" Everyone chorused.
A loud booming voice cackled over-head and the group of friends looked around in confusion. Kess looked straight up and made a face.
"Fate." She groaned. "Your stuck with that name now." She patted Savvy on the head sympathetically.
AJ glared at the clouds and muttered, "Fate's a bitch."
Everyone's peaceful night's sleep was interrupted as they were all jolted into wakefulness thanks to the lovely sound of sirens."Bloody hell." Sammy yelped as she leapt out of her bed, knocking Rain off of her chest.
AJ groaned and glanced at her clock. "It's the middle of the night..."
Sammy shuffled over to the door and glanced outside. A few of the senior floor-mates were dressed and dragging weapons behind them, their Attack-Animals following.
"What's going on?" Sammy asked, directing the question at nobody in particular.
Sponge, a senior Assassin, answered her as he passed, strapping a long sword to his belt as his Attack Animal, a hell hound, trotted beside him, tongue lolling as it thought of killing. "Sirens mean a Sue has escaped and is loose on the compound. Assassins are supposed to assemble in the courtyard for instructions." He paused and added, "Don't forget your headset" He tapped his small, nearly invisible earpiece.
Sammy relayed this to AJ and the two quickly got dressed, Sammy in her normal attire, and AJ in a black outfit that Sammy christened her 'Ninja outfit'. Both pulled out their weapons and headed out the door, their Attack Animals following behind them as they joined the crowds heading to the Courtyard.
AJ glanced over as Sammy strapped her gun hostler to her leg and her two swords to her hip and her back respectively. All of AJ's weapons were concealed. She had kunai knives, shuriken throwing stars, and her kodachi, a short Japanese sword, was fastened at her hip, she'd even grabbed her 'Tessen' metal fan, and her 'Neko-te' metal claws, which were in a utility pouch on her hip along with a few other useful items.
Soon the assassins of SWAT were gathered in the courtyard. There was a quiet murmur from everyone as they waited for instructions. A sharp whistle caught everyone's attention. Hael was standing up on a bench. She glared at all of them, and then spoke.
"As many of you know, there has been a breakout. A cell holding 15 Mary-Sues—"Dingos, Lightning and Spice Girls"—was broken out of. All of the 'Sues are still somewhere on the compound. We need newbies in groups of six, senior assassins in groups of two to four. Split up and find all of the 'Sues before they can find a way to escape. Be careful. The cell held standard Sues, Evil Sues and "she shuddered" Warrior sues." With that she jumped off of the bench and stalked off, an unsheathed knife in hand.
In an instant groups were formed. Kess, Claire, Rachel, and her partner who liked to be called Malice joined AJ and Sammy.
All of the groups spread out to search the compound. AJ and their friends moved as silently as they could. Which was quite loud thanks to Doom and Malice's Attack Animal, a Pegasus named Ophelia. AJ kept wincing when the giant horse-based creatures stepped on twigs and dead leaves.
Rachel was sending Max in front of them trying to find a scent but the gray dog couldn't find anything.
There was a muffled scream from the direction of the Main Barracks.
"One bitch down." Someone announced over the headset, "Standard Sue. Tag number... 98365."
AJ and Sammy had learned earlier from Ara, another senior employee who specialized in spy work and intelligence gathering by going undercover with sues, that all captured Sues were tagged with a number.
For the next few minutes there was silence, then other assassins announced that two more had been caught.
At one point there was a bright flash at one of the perimeter fence and suddenly the sound of a stampede of Attack Animals. Dogs bayed, horses whinnied, cats yowled, bears roared, and a Mary-Sue screamed. Alicia, head of Creature Management, announced that "Her babies had caught a snack" before she began laughing.
More and more Sue's were located until five were left. AJ, Sammy, Kess, Claire, Rachel, and Malice wandered into the small wooded area used for training.
AJ felt a chill run down her spine, and she froze, glancing around the forest. She spotted someone's silhouette further off.
She lightly cleared her throat. Everyone turned to look at her.
"There's one over there, beyond that far oak tree, next to the rock." AJ whispered.
Sammy glanced in the direction of the Sue and swore gently. "Warrior Sue. She picked up a bow and a quiver somewhere."
Malice grinned evilly. "Well then, I say we set a bit of a trap for our perfect friend."
Everyone nodded in agreement.
"If I can get closer, I can get rid of her weapon." AJ offered.
"Now how can we do that?" Claire wondered aloud.
"Flush her out, of course." Rachel said matter-of-factly.
The group paused for a second, then Sammy crouched down and found a stick. "I've got an idea." She said and scratched a few things in the dirt. "We'll have to split up. Claire, you and Kess go this way and get behind her from this way." Sammy scratched a few more things. "Rachel and Malice go the other way and help flush her towards here. AJ you get up in a tree or something and get ready. I'm going to be bait so if you screw up AJ, I'll kill you."
AJ nodded and without another word, literally melted into the trees.
"Okay. That was scary..." Rachel said nervously from their starting point.
AJ grinned to herself and positioned herself in a tree.
Soon the two pairs of Assassins were stomping through the trees, getting behind the Mary-sue and flushing it towards Sammy, who was currently sitting with her back against a tree, pretending to be asleep.
Sammy had stuck her old, now useless car-keys, on one of the loops on her jeans, where they were very visible. They were to lure the Sue into thinking that Sammy held the key to the massive front gate.
After a few minutes and a few more Sues had been found, AJ heard soft footsteps headed towards Sammy. Silently AJ 'accidentally' dropped a handful of caltrops in the Sue's path.
Needless to say, once the Sue had stepped on the caltrops the game became downright hilarious. The Sue was dressed in a ridiculously frilly pink dress. It would appear the dress repelled dirt or anything messy at that. It also seemed to have the ability to blend into the forest, despite it's nauseating color.
Sammy gave up on the sleep bit once the Sue began dancing around trying to avoid the sharp pieces of metal. She laughed and walked over to the Sue. More laugher came from the woods. Rachel, Malice, Claire and Kess returned to form a circle around the Sue.
"Well, hello there!" Sammy said in a sugar-sweat voice. "Have you something in your foot?"
"You—"The Sue steamed, at a loss for words. She raised her bow and quit prancing.
"Can't have you shooting anyone." AJ remarked from her tree and with a quick wrist flick a small shuriken whizzed by everyone and sliced the bowstring before harmlessly embedding itself in a tree trunk.
AJ dropped out of the tree and grinned impishly at the Mary-Sue.
The Sue sputtered again and turned to flee.
"Nope! Can't have that!" Rachel said and swiftly kicked the Sue hard in the knee.
Everyone winced as the bones were crushed.
The Sue paled, crumpled to the ground and yelped as it landed on more caltrops.
"Now, who wants the honor of killing her?" Rachel asked looking around.
Instantly Claire's hand leapt into the air.
"Me! I do! I want to kill her!" she exclaimed excitedly. She whipped out a wand. "I've always wanted to use the killing curse on a Sue."
The Sue paled and opened her mouth to beg.
"Avada Kedavra!"
There was a flash of green lights and the last Escaped Mary-Sue was no more.
To be continued...Author's Note:
There's chapter three! Hope you enjoyed. Sorry it took a while I've been a bit busy. I changed my Pen name, if anyone noticed. This one fits me better and I finally got rid of that Mary-Sue-ish name. [shudders]. Sadly I will be without a computer for a week starting Sunday. Hopefully I'll be able to write more on paper while I'm on vacation. DON'T FORGET TO REVIEW! I adore people who review. I feel so special . Thanks to my friends and Beta's, Kess, Rachel, Sammy, and Hael who continually pestered me. Hael, sorry it's taking so long with your story. Rachel, Tell everyone I say 'Hello' on Sunday. Kess, don't kill anyone while I'm gone. Sammy, Chocolate chips! Also, Sammy, we need to make our list so I can pick up a few manga in Oregon.
Special thanks to: Kelli (erm, I mean Aurien ), AAAClub, Beloved Fool, Hobbit-eyes, Bed 'N' Breakfast, The Arwen Police, Hael, Sponge (there is Ninja-ness in this chapter enjoy!)
Still Wanted:
Characters needed to fill positions in S.W.A.T.! If interested please send me an E-mail ) asking for an application/character bio. I'll try and get everyone I can into this! Also Mary-Sue fanfics needed so S.W.A.T. students can learn the basics. Find fanfics online or write one and send it in!