Gondor, Elves, and Evil Rings of Power: Confessions of Boromir of Gondor
Archived by GreenCat3
Disclaimer: This is a knockoff of the mega fab Georgia Nicolson series by Louise Rennison. Am using British slang, funny bits from the books, and snogging scale. Expect sequels.
I'm just the archivist. This and the others were found near the Red Book of Westmarch, Tolkien just didn't use them. I own nothing (although my venison [haha, deer, dear…agh, ferget it] mutti and I are convinced that I am a ballistic reincarnated cross between Roald Dahl and J.R.R. Tolkien, both of whom I hold in very high esteem). I do wish I owned Boromir, however. (If you're unsure what to get me for Chrimboli, check my disclaimers and you will make me a very happy authoress ;.) Some things I have changed from the original narrative, such as day and month names, which were of course in Elvish and would only serve to confuse. This is quite OOC, and as such is the antithesis of all "designated misogynistic bastard" fics where Boromir is the DMB, just the other end of the pendulum swing, so he's kind of impish as he pranks Faramir and others.
And so I say to you: Funpops! Fromagerie! Foobug! Ni! Enjoy the fic, all, and don't forget to do your part for the world by kicking a wet, useless idiot (90% of my school)!
Chapter 1: Boring questy thing
Monday June 14th
7:05 am
I hate Mondays.
7:15 am
This is why. Orcs decided to attack Osgiliath. Again.
7:16 am
Do they not have lives?!
9:00 pm
Hahaha, not anymore they don't. I took care of that.
Monday June 21st
impromptu councilly thing
4:30 pm
All because of that stupid dream I have to go to Elfyland, also known as Rivendell. Faramir looked like he was about to have a nervy spaz when Dad (I call him vati; some sort of Rohirric wotsit or something) said he couldn't go, which I think is rather unreasonable on his part as Faramir is the only one who actually gives two short flying Orcs' heads about elves.
4:40 pm
Still, I can hold this over him forever.
5:00 pm
Hahahahahahaha.
Sunday July 4th
9:00 am
Oh bugger on a stick, I don't want to do this.
9:05 am
Maybe I can have pretend lurgy.
9:06 am
Or Boredtodeathitis.
9:07 am
Bah, I'd better get up.
9:10 am
Can't be bothered.
9:15 am
Oh bloody hell, Faramir's been sent to wake me up.
He threw a book at me! That's caring, isn't it? Well then again I had just told him to get stuffed and that I was not in a trillion ages going on the questy thing. But that still does not solve the fact that I am about to go the Valar know how far away for something that he should be doing and in the meantime be bored out of my mind by elfy-types. Sad really.
9:30 am
brekkers
Am eating sugar-filled foods to cheer up.
9:35 am
Not working.
11:00 am
After saying goodbye to all, have left Minas Tirith on my boring quest.
11:30 am
Boredom setting in.
Friday July 9th
7:00 am
Have been sleeping in my clothes, mainly because I don't want Orcs sneaking up on me in my jimjams.
7:03 am
Do Orcs have jimjams?
7:04 am
And slumber parties?
7:30 am
Oh Valar, that's a scary thought.
7:31 am
Eurgh, Orcs exchanging beauty tips and painting their nails.
"What do you think about Man-flesh for my nails, Loretta?"
"No, it doesn't suit you, Rosaline, I think Elf Blood looks much better on you."
"Would you like to try some of my Rotting Meat lip gloss?"
"Would I?"
Aaaargh, get out get out get out! I do not need that in my head right now! Or ever for that matter! The twisted things my mind makes up that I could do without, I tell ya…
Wednesday July 7th
3:00 pm
I have officially sung every song I know.
Thursday July 8th
9:05 pm
In Elvish.
9:06 pm
I'll never make it.