Desolation Row
By Chash )
I don't think this is a fic I ever intended to write or wanted to write, exactly, but I love Eriol/Tomoyo, and I wrote this, even though I feel it does them no kind of justice. I'm posting it because despite its faults, I do like it. I've tried to be as accurate as I can be with the honorifics. I assume everyone knows what each means, and it doesn't even really matter, as long as you know that first name is more familiar than last name and not using an honorific is most familiar of all. I, of course, do not own Card Captor Sakura or any of that. The title and summary are from a song by Bob Dylan.
If Hiiragizawa-kun had stayed, everyone would have assumed he and Tomoyo would start dating. Tomoyo knows this because she knows how people's minds work, and it amazes her that others don't, because they're so simple, for the most part. Everyone would have assumed it because Hiiragizawa-kun would have continued going around with Sakura-chan and Li- kun and Tomoyo, and since Sakura-chan and Li-kun are practically married, they all would have thought Tomoyo and Hiiragizawa-kun would have ended up the same way. In all the manga, there are these love triangles, and the third person always gets someone else. She wonders if they ever thought she might have been pining for Li-kun. People are so good at not noticing things.
Tomoyo doesn't mind Hiiragizawa-kun. If he had been seriously trying to hurt Sakura-chan, she would have destroyed him, magic or no magic, but she can tell that Hiiragizawa-kun loves Sakura-chan very much, but not in the way that makes smoke shoot out of Li-kun's ears.
She even sometimes misses him, because it would be nice to have another person around. Rika-chan and Naoko-chan and Chiharu-chan all have their own friends and lovers, their own lives, and Tomoyo finds herself feeling increasingly alone. She would like it, she thinks, if Hiiragizawa- kun came back, because Hiiragizawa-kun was so good at making things interesting. Not just the cards, though she did appreciate that—the first letter she sent him had the simple post script "thank you for allowing me another opportunity for my foolish hobby," and he had responded with "Of course, Daidouji-san. But nothing is foolish if you love it so"—but everything: his lies with Yamazaki-kun, his "shit-eating smiles," as Li-kun calls them, and even himself, because Hiiragizawa-kun isn't easy to read like everyone else. Tomoyo can do it, but it takes effort, and she misses that.
Hiiragizawa-kun shows up on her doorstep on a Tuesday, during a rainstorm, taller and broader at the shoulders, but with his same smile which takes effort to interpret.
"Good evening, Daidouji-san," he says, and then passes out.
Tomoyo is nothing if not competent in a crisis. She calls for her bodyguards at once because she may be sixteen years old and stronger than she used to be, but Hiiragizawa-kun, despite being slightly underweight, is too much for her to handle on her own. As they deposit him on the couch, she wets a cloth for his forehead and orders the bodyguards away. They leave hesitantly, and she knows they'll remain outside, waiting.
"What are you doing back here, Hiiragizawa-kun? You're soaked through. If you'd just told me, I could have sent a car," she murmurs, not sure if he'll wake up in time to hear. He's far too warm and she has no idea what he's doing here.
"Well, Daidouji-san, you should have realized," he manages, though obviously with effort, "I'm an idiot."
"Honestly..." she says, smiling somewhat fondly. "What are we going to do with you?"
"You could be a dear and call Spinel and Ruby Moon. I didn't tell them where I was going."
Tomoyo gives him her best Look. "You came back to Tomoeda without even telling your guardians? Did you think this through at all, Hiiragizawa-kun?"
"No. I was very tired."
"You seem to still be very tired. You're also sick. You should have called."
"I wasn't thinking."
"That much," she says dryly, "is obvious. What's the number for Spinel-san?"
He gives it, and she calls. Someone picks up before the first ring is even finished.
"Hello?" says Akizuki-san from the other end of the phone. Her voice is frantic. "Are you Eriol? Please be Eriol. If you're not Eriol, I'm going to hang up, because I don't want some non-Eriol tying up the phone line. Even if you're Brian or Oliver, or even Touya-kun, I'm going to hang up."
Her voice is loud enough that Hiiragizawa-kun can hear it, and he winces.
"Actually, it's Daidouji Tomoyo."
"Tomoyo-chan? Oh, I'd love to talk to you, but Eriol disappeared, and we're really worried, and I don't want him to call and it'd be busy and maybe he'd think we didn't care he was missing and he'd never call again or come back and—"
"Hiiragizawa-kun is here."
"THERE?!" shrieks Akizuki-san. Hiiragizawa-kun winces again, and Tomoyo has to pull the phone away from her ear. "He's THERE?! What is he doing in JAPAN?! SUPPI! Did you hear that? JAPAN! He's at Tomoyo- chan's! Put him on the phone! Put him on!"
"I'm afraid he was out in the rain and not in any state to talk. He wanted me to call and tell you he's fine."
"He was in the RAIN?! ERIOOOOL! I know you can hear me!"
"I believe the whole of Japan can hear her," mutters Hiiragizawa-kun, too softly for Akizuki-san to hear.
"Just because you're upset about Kaho doesn't mean you have to RUN AWAY to JAPAN without telling us. What if something had happened and someone attacked you and you were too mopey to do anything and you'd been KILLED! What would Suppi and I have done? Suppi would have CRIED."
"Ruby Moon," says Spinel-san in a firm voice. "Give me the phone."
"I don't wanna!"
But apparently she does eventually, because after a pause Spinel- san's voice comes through the phone again, more loudly.
"Eriol?"
"He's here. I'll put you on speaker phone if you promise to warn me before Akizuki-san comes back on," says Tomoyo.
"Now even Tomoyo-chan's being MEAN!" says Akizuki-san from the other end.
"Eriol, should we come over, or will this be a short visit?" says Spinel-san.
"I don't know," Hiiragizawa-kun tells her.
"He says he isn't sure," Tomoyo reports. Spinel-san sighs.
"Don't do anything stupid, Eriol."
"It's too late for that," says Tomoyo. "He has a fever."
"Keep in touch please, Daidouji-san," says Spinel-san. "I trust you can take care of him for a little while. I'm going to hang up before Ruby Moon gets back with the sweets. Best to not tell me your number."
Tomoyo smiles as she hears the click of the phone.
"I think they're very worried about you," says Tomoyo. Then, "Why don't you tell me what's wrong."
"Because everything will be so much more pleasant if I don't," replies Hiiragizawa-kun cheerfully, though his voice is still weak.
"You came to my house for a reason, didn't you?"
"Of course I did," he says. He doesn't elaborate.
"You could have gone to Sakura-chan's," she points out.
"But what if Li-kun had been there?" he counters. "Besides, I did not want to see Sakura-san first. I wanted to see you."
"And there's a reason for that, isn't there."
He smiles at her. She notices he's taken off his glasses, and his eyes look soft and unguarded, though she knows they aren't, because they're his eyes. "I missed you."
"Me? I'm flattered, Hiiragizawa-kun."
"No, you're not. Because you know as well as I do how hard it is to find interesting people."
She wants to ask about Mizuki-sensei, but he snuggles onto her lap and falls asleep, and, even more strangely, she lets him.
She wakes up the next morning stiff from sleeping sitting up, and as soon as she looks down she sees Hiiragizawa-kun staring up at her. He smiles brightly at her.
"Good morning, Daidouji-san."
"Good morning," she replies.
"I was going to get up and make breakfast to say thank you, but being in such close quarters, I was afraid I'd wake you, and you looked very tired."
"You still look very tired," she says and brushes his forehead with her hand. "Though your fever is gone."
"This is the best rest I've had in some time," he says cryptically. "I couldn't sleep on the plane at all."
"And before?"
"I was restless," he replies, giving nothing away. She wouldn't want it any other way, of course. "Shall I make breakfast?"
"Someone probably already has," she says. "You're lucky the bodyguards let you sleep here all night. There will probably be unfortunate questions as soon as we leave."
"Oh?" he raises one eyebrow.
"Hiiragizawa-kun," she says, eying him steadily. "You showed up on my doorstep, drenched and exhausted, and then passed out on my doorstep, all of this at midnight. It's a wonder my mother didn't break down the door in her curiosity. She'll want an answer."
"I missed it here. I missed you, and your complicated smile, and having someone as clever as me to talk to," he says, with no pride at his own ability, but she blushes for she realizes what a compliment it is. He at once apologizes. "I've been away for some time. I'd forgotten how rude that was. You are, of course, far more intelligent than I, Daidouji-san."
"That's not true."
"It is. I have magic. You only have wits, and you have far more."
"My mother will not accept that explanation," she says, wanting to change the subject.
"Well, I'll see, won't I?"
He gets up, the weight of him lifting off her lap, and smiles at her, offering a hand. She takes it, marveling. She and he were never close, but here he is in her living room, holding out his hand to her, telling her she is smarter than he is.
"I missed you as well, Hiiragizawa-kun," she says after a moment. "It's been..."
"Different?" he supplies, smiling, and she can tell he knows she was going to say 'sad' or 'lonely,' and that he knows that it wasn't because he wasn't there. She nearly cries, just because no one ever asks her these things because they never notice, and of course he does. He smiles at her and puts his arm around her shoulders. "I have been gone for a very long time, Daidouji-san, and I sometimes forget these gestures are not as natural here. Will you allow an English boy his foreign customs?"
He is giving her a chance to save face. "Just for a little while," she says, smiling. He squeezes her shoulder, and somehow the contact doesn't bother her as it should have, because even though they were together for that year, and even though they've been writing, she doesn't know him well enough for him to hold her like this, for her to feel his side against her, the warmth radiating off him, and she is stronger than this, she doesn't need his comfort. But here she is, accepting it.
Logically, Hiiragizawa-kun should be the last person she trusts, after all he did, but somehow, she knows he loves them all, and wants them all to be happy, and it's been so long since she had someone understand that despite everything she says, she really isn't content.
Mother eyes Hiiragizawa-kun across the table. Hiiragizawa-kun is maddeningly calm.
"So," says Mother, "you are the young man who came last night and did not leave."
"Yes. I'm Hiiragizawa Eriol. I'm very sorry, Daidouji-sama. I can't sleep on airplanes, and I was exhausted."
"So you came here."
"Yes."
"How is it that my house became the chosen place of refuge for a boy I've never met?"
"I missed your daughter. We were classmates in fifth grade and have been writing to each other since. When I decided to return to Japan, I thought she would be kind enough to put me up until I managed my own accommodations."
Mother sniffs. "Surely you could have done that before you came."
"Unfortunately, Daidouji-sama, my coming to your house was as unplanned as the rest of my trip. To tell you the truth, I didn't even realize what I was doing. I was... quite out of sorts. Before I knew it, I had bought a ticket to Japan, and then here I was, on your doorstep."
Mother sniffs again. Hiiragizawa-kun is still maddeningly calm.
"You flew to Japan on a whim and wandered to my house in the small hours of the night to call upon my daughter," she states.
"Yes, Daidouji-sama."
"Are you in love with her?" asks Mother after a moment. Tomoyo blinks, as does Hiiragizawa-kun.
"Daidouji-sama, the thought of doing anything with or to your daughter never crossed my mind, I assure you."
"From what you have said, Hiiragizawa-kun, very little actually crossed your mind throughout this process. In any case, it is no matter. If you have not found accommodations by tonight, you are welcome to stay, though I would prefer you slept in the guest room."
"Of course," says Hiiragizawa-kun, bowing. "I'm so sorry to be a burden like this, Daidouji-sama."
Mother waves her hand. "It's been a long time since I've met such an interesting young man. It's no trouble."
Tomoyo feels her relief has to be visible, but neither Mother nor Hiiragizawa-kun comments.
"Tomoyo-chan, you should get ready for school."
"Yes, mother. Are you coming, Hiiragizawa-kun?"
He looks taken aback for a moment, then smiles. "If it wouldn't be a problem."
"Of course not," she says. "Sakura-chan will be so happy to see you. I can have one of the bodyguards phone ahead to check with the teacher."
"If you would be so kind."
"However," she says with a smile, "I won't protect you from Li-kun, so do be sensible."
"I am always sensible," he counters, and she laughs.
It isn't until later that she realizes he never actually answered her mother's question. But such things don't bear thinking about.
Just because things don't bear thinking about, however, doesn't mean that she doesn't think about them. She wonders if Hiiragizawa-kun thought it would be rude to say he wasn't in love with her, and assumed that his own answer would show well enough his disinterest in her. Of course Hiiragizawa-kun doesn't know Mother, and probably didn't notice the look in Mother's eyes that showed clearly she thought he was being evasive.
"I suppose," says Hiiragizawa-kun as they walk to school, while Tomoyo is still contemplating their morning with her mother, "after school, I should book a hotel."
"Nonsense," she finds herself saying, "we have plenty of room. There's no reason for you to spend money on a hotel when we have dozens of guest rooms going to waste."
Hiiragizawa-kun smiles. "When," he asks thoughtfully, "did the Daidouji residence become refuge for broken hearts?"
"I wasn't aware yours was broken, Hiiragizawa-kun."
"Daidouji-san," he says, looking at her, "I know you're smarter than that."
"So Mizuki-sensei did break your heart," she says, and he winces. "I'm sorry."
He waves his hand. "It'll probably do me well to hear it." He pauses. "It is part of the reason I came to you. I remember you told the Chinese girl..."
"A refuge for broken hearts, you said. Has Mizuki-sensei found someone else?"
"Yes. She said I would be happier with someone my own age."
"And what age does she suppose that to be?" asks Tomoyo, a trifle harshly. Even if Mizuki-sensei meant it in a kind way, she should have known better.
Hiiragizawa-kun chuckles. "I didn't ask, actually. I asked her if it was the same thing she'd said to Sakura-chan's brother."
"Was it?"
"No. She told him that when they next met, they'd both be in love with other people. I told her that she might be wise in all other ways, but she's really terrible with breakups. Of course," he says with a self- deprecating smile, "I suppose I'm doing no better."
"Did you really come all this way just to speak to me, Hiiragizawa- kun?"
"I didn't know anyone else who would understand. Can you imagine trying to talk to Spinel or Ruby Moon about this?"
"I'm sure Akizuki-san gets her heart broken every week."
Hiiragizawa-kun laughs, and it is full and he means it, so she is proud. "Come now, Daidouji-san. You should know well enough that Ruby Moon would never admit any of her men don't love her."
"We're here," says Tomoyo, gesturing to the school. She doesn't want to say that she's never admitted to a broken heart either, just out of stubbornness. But she feels sure Hiiragizawa-kun probably realizes that anyway.
"I came here," he says softly, "because you understand, Tomoyo," he says in English. She isn't sure he knows she speaks English—even on the phone yesterday, Akizuki-san had, strangely, started in Japanese. Tomoyo had assumed it was because she was upset. She doesn't tell him she knows what he said, but just smiles at him, as if she doesn't.
"Eriol-kun!" Sakura-chan perks up as soon as they enter. "It's been such a long time! What are you doing here? Why didn't you tell us you were coming? Or did you tell Tomoyo-chan? Tomoyo-chan, why didn't you tell me?"
In the background, Tomoyo can see Li-kun, glaring. She laughs her old mischievous laugh, which she hasn't had cause to use in a while.
"Good morning, Sakura-san," says Hiiragizawa-kun. "I'm sorry. I came to Japan rather suddenly, otherwise I certainly would have written to warn you I was visiting."
"Are you staying with Tomoyo-chan?" she asks suddenly, peering at them. He nods. "Oh, okay. I was going to say you could stay with us—" there is an audible growl from Li-kun "—but if Tomoyo-chan is happy to have you..."
"It's fine, Sakura-chan. We have plenty of room," she says, as she said to Hiiragizawa-kun as they walked over.
"Good morning, Li-kun," says Hiiragizawa-kun politely.
"Feh," Li-kun responds, almost amiably.
Unsurprisingly, everyone in the class had missed Hiiragizawa-kun, even, she thinks, Li-kun. Although she doesn't think he realizes it. Tomoyo smiles.
"Maybe," says Hiiragizawa-kun, as they leave the juice shop Sakura- chan took them to, "I should start looking for a place to stay. Since they destroyed my house."
"You should call Akizuki-san and Spinel-san," says Tomoyo in a tone just as casual as his.
"Yes, I suppose I should."
"Will you be staying with us long, Hiiragizawa-kun?" asks Mother politely at dinner.
"Not for too long, Daidouji-sama. I was planning to look for an apartment tomorrow."
"Living alone at such a young age?" asks Mother with her eyebrow raised.
"No," says Hiiragizawa-kun with a smile. "I have two housemates."
"Where are they?"
"Still in England. I was planning to call them as soon as I found an apartment."
"Are you not coming to school tomorrow, then?" asks Tomoyo. "Sakura- chan and the others will be very sad."
"It can't be helped," he says, shrugging to demonstrate his powerless state. "Tell them I'm very sorry and will see them again soon."
"And should I tell them you're staying?"
He smiles. "Please don't. I would hate to miss Li-kun's face."
"Shall I tape it for you?"
"If you would be so kind," he says, smiling even more broadly.
Mother is watching the entire exchange with silent satisfaction. She wishes Hiiragizawa-kun hadn't been so evasive earlier.
"Class, we have a new student joining us today. Hiiragizawa Eriol- kun is returning as a permanent student."
Li-kun nearly passes out. Yamazaki-kun looks on the verge of happy tears. Chiharu-chan is rubbing her forehead. Sakura-chan claps her hands and cheers.
"Are you watching this again?" asks Tomoyo. He has the tape paused on his own smiling face.
"I didn't hear you come in, Daidouji-san."
"Akizuki-san let me in. She said it was perfectly dreadful for you to spend Sunday holed up in your room watching videos and I had better get you out of it or she'd start feeding Spinel-san cookies."
Hiiragizawa-kun laughs. "So did you come here in the first place to take me out of my room?"
"No. I came to see how you were doing."
"I'm honored. And fine. No need to worry."
"Who said anything about worrying? Sakura-chan did mention wanting to visit the indoor pool today, though. Would you like to come?"
"If I wouldn't be a bother."
"Of course not, Hiiragizawa-kun. You're never a bother."
"Even when I'm passing out on your doorstep in the middle of the night?" he asks with a smile.
"Even then." She runs her finger over his desk thoughtfully. "My mother quite liked you."
"I'm glad."
"She says she would be happy if I could get a nice boyfriend, someone who loved me."
"What about Sakura-chan?" he asks. His voice is slightly husky.
"Mother knows about that better than anyone," she says and then shakes her head, refusing to be distracted. "I told her you weren't interested in me like that."
"Is that so?" he asks. She worries at the ambiguity, because Hiiragizawa-kun isn't ambiguous unless he means to be, because he's so careful with his speech. She doesn't even know how he would have feelings for her, because it's been so long since they've seen each other, and they were never friends.
"She didn't believe me."
Her phone rings before he can answer. They both jump.
"Hello?"
"Tomoyo-chan! Are you coming to the pool? Syaoran-kun and I are ready and about to leave. Do you want to meet us there?"
"That sounds fine. Is it all right if Hiiragizawa-kun comes?"
"Eriol-kun? Of course!" Tomoyo hears spluttering from the other end of the phone. "I'll make sure Syaoran-kun is on his best behavior."
She laughs. "We'll see you soon."
"Daidouji-san," he says a moment after she's hung up.
"Yes, Hiiragizawa-kun?"
"I haven't a bathing suit."
She laughs, all the tension gone. "I'll call Sakura-chan and tell her we'll be a little late."
She goes with Hiiragizawa-kun to buy his new swim trunks because she feels she might as well, and she did tell Sakura-chan they'd be arriving together. She watches as he tries on various models, proclaiming this one to be too green, this one too blue, this one too colorful, this one too revealing (Tomoyo would have preferred he'd avoided the Speedo section entirely, but he seemed amused).
"Have you considered black?" she asks him finally.
"I'm not sure there are any in my size," he says.
"We haven't got all day. I'd like to swim at least a little."
"Since you asked so nicely..." he quickly finds a black pair and goes to try it on. While he's in the changing room, the saleswoman smiles and tells Tomoyo what a cute couple the two of them make. She doesn't say anything to correct her, because she isn't sure what to say. They aren't a couple, but, she thinks, that doesn't stop their being cute together. So she lets the woman have her assumption. It's easier.
Tomoyo finds it remarkable how quickly everything returns to normal. She doesn't examine too closely the fact that normal isn't the state before Hiiragizawa-kun returned, but before he ever left. Yamazaki-kun is telling lies again, elaborate lies full of life that make Tomoyo laugh. She hadn't been laughing a lot before, because no matter how happy it makes her that Sakura-chan and Li-kun have finally found each other and are together, it's not that sort of happy that makes you carefree, not the kind of giddy happiness Sakura-chan has. Hers is quiet and wistful, but it's not less, she insists. She just doesn't know who it is she's trying to convince.
"Tomoyo-chan," says Sakura-chan. They are on lunch break, and Sakura- chan's voice is serious and grave. Tomoyo is terrified. She's never terrified.
"Yes, Sakura-chan?" she asks, keeping her voice light, disguising her fear.
"I wanted you to be the first to know," she says carefully. "Syaoran..." Tomoyo swallows. Sakura-chan never calls Li-kun "Syaoran." She never has. "He, today, he proposed. And I said yes. We're getting married, Tomoyo-chan. I wanted you to be the first to know," she repeats.
Tomoyo beams. Her eyes hurt from the action, and the side of her face feels stretched. "I'm so happy for you, Sakura-chan."
"Tomoyo-chan..." says Sakura-chan. She knows, of course. She just doesn't know what to say. Tomoyo doesn't mind. Honestly, she doesn't.
"Let me design the dress, all right? I'm going to get started right away!" says Tomoyo, laughing. She runs off to get her sketchbook, leaving Sakura-chan. She thinks it again, trying to wrap her mind around the concept. Leaving Sakura-chan.
She takes her sketchbook and sits down against a tree, staring unblinkingly at one of the pages. She hears the bell in the background, but doesn't really understand it.
"Good afternoon, Daidouji-san," says Hiiragizawa-kun, sitting down next to her.
"Good afternoon, Hiiragizawa-kun. Class is starting."
"Yes, it is."
They sit in silence for a moment.
"Did Sakura-chan tell you?"
"Li-kun, actually."
"I imagine he was thrilled."
"About the news or about giving me the news?"
"Both," she says, but doesn't laugh as she wanted to.
"He said Sakura-san was telling you, and he wanted me to make sure you were okay. He said he would have done it himself, but he didn't know how. He wasn't sure that he could help. He said he thought I had a better chance. It looked like the words actually physically pained him."
She says nothing.
"It was how Kaho told me we were breaking up. 'Eriol,' she said to me, 'I'm engaged.' I was so shocked. She'd moved out because she said she needed time. I never imagined..."
"I'm sorry," she says, blinking. She might be blinking back tears, but she isn't sure.
"I would never dream of comparing my pain to yours. I don't understand what you are going through. I would never dream of claiming I was as in love with Kaho as you are with Sakura-chan."
"I think," says Tomoyo quietly, "that is the first time anyone has ever said that."
"Said what?"
"That I'm in love with Sakura-chan," she says, and begins to cry. How humiliating. She finds it's humiliating just because she is crying, not because Hiiragizawa-kun is there. He puts his arm around her again and doesn't say anything for a little while.
"I will never be as strong as you, Tomoyo-san," he says. She notices his slip, but can't deny that since she is here, crying onto him now, as she seems to have turned so her face is in the tie on his uniform, that they are friends now. "And," he adds, bringing his other arm up so he is holding her, "I would never wish to be."
"Neither would I," she replies, her voice calm, because she is the kind of weeper who doesn't make any noise as she cries, just lets tears run down her face. "It just happened."
He tightens his arms around her, and they stay like that for a long time. She can hear the faint sounds of bells, sometimes, and voices, but no one comes close to them.
Not that this is surprising. No one ever has.
"Fujitaka-sensei called," says her mother calmly when Tomoyo comes home. She can tell he told her the news about Sakura-chan, because she doesn't glare when she says his name like she usually does. "He told me Sakura-chan is engaged."
"Yes," says Tomoyo calmly, "Sakura-chan told me today."
"I met your father the day Nadeshiko got married. I was sitting on a bench in the park, and he said it looked like I needed to talk. I punched him in the face."
Tomoyo giggles. "Thank you."
Her mother hugs her. It is slightly more awkward than when Hiiragizawa-kun did it, but she appreciates the gesture nonetheless. "Of course. Because you're my baby girl." She was silent for a moment. "I don't want you to be like I am, Tomoyo-chan."
"I know you don't," she replies.
"Sakura-chan is wonderful, but there are many wonderful people in the world. Don't ignore all of them."
"I never have, mother," she says, but she's lying.
"I know," says her mother. "But you've never looked at them either."
Tomoyo's closet is full of clothing for Sakura-chan, and videos of Sakura-chan, and pictures they've taken of each other. Sakura-chan almost always gives the clothes back when she's done, because she says her brother would tease her if she kept that many clothes around. Sakura-chan appreciates the clothes, Tomoyo knows she does, but they don't mean as much to her as they mean to Tomoyo. They mean the same thing to both of them—that Tomoyo loves her. That's just so much more important to Tomoyo than it is to Sakura-chan.
She notices among the videos the one marked "Hiiragizawa-kun comes back to school." She should call him, she knows, or something. She remembers when Li-kun comforted Sakura-chan after Yukito-san's rejection and wonders if she should be worried that the situations are so similar, because if Hiiragizawa-kun is in love with her...
She knows, of course, that Hiiragizawa-kun could have easily refuted his feelings for her so many times, but he hasn't. And if he hasn't yet...
It doesn't bear thinking about. None of this ever has, right from the beginning, when he showed up at her door.
But she keeps thinking about him anyway.
"You didn't come back to class yesterday, Tomoyo-chan," says Sakura- chan the next morning.
"No. I got so engrossed in designing a wedding dress..." she says with a smile. She shows Sakura-chan a sketch she did the previous night, in preparation. Sakura-chan smiles.
"It's beautiful, Tomoyo-chan. But the wedding won't be for a really long time. Oniichan's already saying I'm way too young."
"Good morning," says Hiiragizawa-kun, walking in.
"Good morning, Eriol-kun!" says Sakura, grinning.
"Good morning," says Tomoyo, smiling as well. He smiles back at her, his eyes tender and his expression easy to read. I'm glad you're feeling better.
No one says anything about Hiiragizawa-kun not returning to class, and she wonders if they've all finally begun to assume she and he are dating.
It's only a matter of time.
In school, when the news breaks, it's all anyone can talk about. Not that it's a surprise or anything, because everyone's seen it coming forever. But there are congratulations in order, and good natured thumps on the back for Li-kun, and squealing and asking Sakura-chan about dresses and bride's maids and will it be Western or Japanese, and what are the marriage customs in Hong Kong, anyway?
It's exhausting Tomoyo. She nods and smiles and discusses the dress, because that's easy, fabric is easy, but she doesn't talk about the rest of it because she doesn't trust herself.
"You know," says Yamazaki-kun suddenly at lunch, sitting with Tomoyo, Sakura-chan, Li-kun, and Hiiragizawa-kun, "about weddings."
Hiiragizawa-kun glances over at Tomoyo and does not perk up as he so often does.
"They started out as a punishment," Yamazaki-kun continues, nodding. She notices him glance at Hiiragizawa-kun, who still says nothing. Yamazaki-kun continues stubbornly. "When two people had a fight..."
"They were forced to get married," says Tomoyo, shocking Hiiragizawa- kun and Yamazaki-kun, who both stare at her. Li-kun and Sakura-chan are eating it up, as usual. Tomoyo smiles sweetly. "I read it in a book."
"Yes, when fights got too bad, the elders of a village would make people get married," says Yamazak-kun, grinning at Tomoyo.
"And then they'd stay together forever and have to sort out their problems," Tomoyo continues.
"But," adds Hiiragizawa-kun, "soon people who were in love noticed that if they got into fights, they could stay together forever."
"So people who loved each other and wanted to be together started getting into fights," says Yamazaki-kun.
"Until eventually it was impossible to tell who was angry about the marriages and who wasn't."
"But wouldn't the people who hated each other sometimes still fight and get hurt?"
"Yes, Sakura-san. Some of them even got killed. So the practice of marrying people for fighting soon stopped."
"But since that stopped, no one could get married, and people had trouble making sure they could stay together," says Yamazaki-kun gravely.
"And people were nomadic back then," Tomoyo explains.
"Nomadic means they moved around a lot," Hiiragizawa-kun interjects.
"Since they were nomadic," Tomoyo continues, "they moved around a lot. So if they weren't married, there was no way they knew if they could stay together."
"It was a very sad time," says Yamazaki-kun, nodding.
"So, two people who loved each other very much, like Sakura-san and Li-kun do, asked a wise man what they had to do to stay together. And he told them..."
"They had to go on a quest!" says Yamazaki-kun, who obviously felt this lie was far too plausible.
"Unfortunately," says Tomoyo, smiling, "it was a very difficult quest."
"With many bears along the way," says Yamazaki-kun.
"And lions," adds Eriol. "And dangerous platypi."
Tomoyo giggles.
Before they can finish, Chiharu-chan appears to drag Yamazaki-kun, still chattering about the five deeds two people had to complete before marriage in the old days, home. Sakura-chan and Li-kun leave a moment later, obviously somewhat concerned about the possible presence of bears at their wedding. Hiiragizawa-kun catches her eye and she smiles at him.
"Now I can see why the two of you do that."
"It is amusing. Li-kun is just too gullible. Sometimes I feel bad about Sakura-san."
"They're good together. They'll believe anything anyone tells them. It's sweet."
"No," he says, "Sakura-san knows more than she lets on. That's why she told you first. That's why she's always so happy for you."
"I know it is. Sakura-chan always makes sure to smile for me, no matter what."
Neither of them says it, but they both know it's because Sakura-chan knows that the only happiness Tomoyo has is hers. Sakura-chan just doesn't quite realize that it doesn't always help to see her so blindingly happy it brings tears to Tomoyo's eyes.
"I would like to call you Tomoyo all the time," says Hiiragizawa-kun, in English, under his breath, but she can hear every word. He should know better than to assume that just because he is in Japan, no one can speak English, "but I still don't know how to ask without being impolite. So give me time."
Tomoyo smiles at him. "Sometimes I think you don't want me to understand you, Hiiragizawa-kun."
"I'm not used to having someone who can see right through me, Daidouji-san. Give me time."
"As much as you'd like," she says.
After a month, Tomoyo thinks it's time to have a Talk with Hiiragizawa-kun. She just doesn't know what she's going to say. He's still never responded to her mother's question from that first day directly, and she knows that if it wasn't true, he would have just said it. She wants to convince him to stop loving her, if he does, to stop wanting her, to stop thinking that they can be together. She thinks he wants all this, and maybe she is making incorrect assumptions. But he could have so easily denied it.
There's a knock on her door, and Tomoyo turns to see one of her bodyguards leading Hiiragizawa-kun in. She nearly jumps, and thinks about speaking the devil's name and all that.
"Good afternoon, Hiiragizawa-kun. I wasn't expecting you."
"I was in the area," he says smoothly. He glances at her closet. "You know, Daidouji-san, if most people saw this, they'd think you were a stalker."
She blushes. "But you know better, right, Hiiragizawa-kun?"
"Of course I do," he says simply. "Is it all right to talk about it yet?"
"I suppose."
"I think you should get rid of it, Tomoyo-san."
She does not comment on his lapse. She never does. "I've been thinking that too. But I'm not sure what I'd do if I wasn't taping Sakura- chan, or making a dress for her. I would be so lonely without all that to distract me."
He idly plays with the hem on the skirt of one of Sakura-chan's dresses. "Have you thought about moving on?"
"Yes," she says. She pauses. "Hiiragizawa-kun..."
"I was thinking," he interrupts softly, "that it's time you start calling me Eriol."
"Eriol-kun," she says. "Both of us being in love with other people is nothing to base a relationship on."
"Did I ever tell you why I came to your house that night?"
"No. You were cryptic. I believe you lied to my mother and said it was because you missed me."
"I did miss you. But you're right, that was a lie. And," he adds in English, with a twinkle in his eye, "we are men of action. Lies do not become us."
"You make less and less sense, Hii—Eriol-kun," she says, tripping over his name.
"It's because I slip into more and more English."
"No," she says, "English I understand."
"Oh." A pause. "That was a quote, I'm afraid. Just something to amuse myself."
"You were going to tell me why you came here, Eriol-kun."
"Kaho told me to find someone my own age. She was always a great believer in fate. So, I admit, I got drunk and decided that if fate wanted me to find someone my own age, then fate would find me someone. So I left myself in fate's hands, and found myself at your doorstep with little to no memory of how I came to be there."
Tomoyo blinks. "Eriol-kun..."
"I wouldn't have considered the base of our relationship that we're both in love with other people. I always liked you, Tomoyo-san, because you were smarter than anyone else, except for maybe Sakura-san's esteemed brother. You interest me, Tomoyo, but more than that, you understand."
She almost flinches when she hears her name with nothing after it. No one has ever called her just Tomoyo, never in Japanese.
"I'm sorry," he says quickly. "I wasn't thinking..."
"It's all right."
Eriol-kun picks up a hat of Sakura-chan's, a blue one with a star on it.
"How did you and Sakura-san meet?"
"In third grade," she says. "She gave me an eraser."
"And you knew even then?"
"Even then," she pauses. "But she never knew."
"I think she does now."
"Yes, now. But I don't think what you said, about understanding earlier, that it's the best basis."
"Tomoyo," he says gently, "she doesn't love you."
Tomoyo turns to him. He holds up his hands, a universal sign of surrender.
"She does, I know. Just not how you want. It's not a relationship, and she doesn't understand. She doesn't realize what you're going through because you've tried so hard to keep her from seeing."
Tomoyo feels a headache coming on. "Everyone keeps telling me to move on," she says. "Even my own mother."
"It's because we love you," he says. Her heart lurches uncomfortably in her chest. "And we want you to be happy."
"Eriol-kun..." she murmurs. "You always know exactly what to say."
She always thought she was stronger than this, but somehow, it feels so good to have someone who doesn't care.
"Everyone thinks we're dating," she says conversationally. "Did you know that?" Of course he did.
"People like things they understand. They can understand you and me together because it's what they expect. I like our friends, but none of them understand what you feel," he wrinkles his nose. "Except for Li-kun. Li-kun understands."
"He does," says Tomoyo. "I'm very fond of Li-kun. But he doesn't know what to do with me."
"No."
"What would you do with me, Eriol-kun?"
"Don't ask me that, Tomoyo. You might not like the answer."
"Tomoyo-chan?" says Sakura-chan softly. "I've been meaning to ask you. About you and Eriol-kun."
Tomoyo winces slightly. "What about us?"
"He's calling you Tomoyo."
"He's been in England for a long time. It's different there."
"I'd like it if you were happy, Tomoyo-chan. Because I love you."
Tomoyo's heart nearly breaks right there, but she's stronger than that. "I know that, Sakura-chan. I am happy."
Sakura-chan hugs her quickly. "I'm sorry, Tomoyo-chan. I don't know how to give you your own happiness. All I can do is take my own. I want you to be happy too, not just using mine."
"Sometimes," says Tomoyo softly, "I underestimate you, Sakura-chan."
"I love the wedding dress you made. I just hope I'll be too big for it by the time I get married. I still have to be taller than oniichan," she says, clenching her fist in determination.
Tomoyo laughs easily, a light sound. "I'm surprised Li-kun hasn't offered to defend your honor yet."
"He has," says Sakura-chan, biting her lip, "but when oniichan and Syaoran fight, it's scary because they mean it."
Tomoyo nods, and then hugs Sakura-chan herself. "Thank you, Sakura- chan."
Sakura-chan, for once, doesn't ask why. Sakura-chan has always known this. It just took her a long time to find the right words to talk about it.
She isn't in love with Eriol-kun, she doesn't think, at least not the same kind of love she's in with Sakura-chan, because she doesn't think his happiness is her happiness. She thinks she would be much happier if he was happy, and when he laughs, she seems to laugh, and she is happy he is here, and she likes it when she doesn't have to be strong around him and likes it even better when she is strong around him, because she knows she can make him back down if she wants to. She missed him fiercely while he was gone, because he is Eriol-kun and he is kind and polite and very mischievous, so they have a lot in common, and it was always hard to be alone with Sakura- chan and Li-kun, but she couldn't not go when Sakura-chan asked her, so she always went and the two of them would hold hands, and Tomoyo would have no one to talk to. She's happy Eriol-kun is home—and she always thought of him as away from home, for all those years—and sometimes she goes over to see him even when Sakura-chan hasn't asked them to go somewhere. She likes to see him. She doesn't mind crying in front of him. She even likes when he puts her arms around her, and when he calls her just Tomoyo, because no one ever does.
Maybe everyone was right. Maybe she is in love with Eriol-kun.
"Tomoyo," Eriol-kun says suddenly. He is sitting on her sofa, watching her edit video clips. He called earlier and said that if she wasn't doing anything in particular could he perhaps impose on her hospitality because Ruby Moon had decided it would be funny to give Spinel a bath and he was scared and thought leaving might be the best option all around. She said of course he could come, even though she still isn't sure what she wants to say to him.
"Yes, Eriol-kun?"
"Everyone keeps congratulating me on my relationship with you."
"Everyone?"
"Apparently the boys at school have tried, unsuccessfully, to date you, and they are proud of my finally breaking down stubborn Daidouji-san's resistance."
"Well, it's to be expected they think that," she says logically. "You're calling me Tomoyo. Sakura-chan commented too."
"Li-kun," continues Eriol-kun, "threatened to kill me if he ever heard so much as a peep from you that I'd done one single thing wrong."
Tomoyo smiles. "Li-kun is too used to having sisters."
"I'd like it," he says, in the most casual voice he can manage, "if I at least got pats on the back and death threats for something I'm actually experiencing."
She swallows past an unexpected lump in her throat.
"I know."
"Tomoyo?" he says, and his voice sounds very far away and very close at the same time. Her hearing is muffled, as if she is underwater, and though she's still staring at the TV, she can feel him move closer behind her. She's editing the tape of when he came back. His smiling face is there on the screen, and she can imagine him behind her.
"Yes?" she asks, desperately calm. She can feel her heart trying to escape.
"I'm going to kiss you, and you're going to slap me, and we're all going to feel better."
"Okay," she says, because she knows if she didn't, he wouldn't kiss her, because Eriol is a gentleman.
Eriol.
No one has ever kissed her before, and she knows that kissing is a more common practice in England than here, where contact is so much more cautious. She knows America is even worse than England about that and she wonders how she could stand it and then wonders why she is thinking about this at all when Eriol is kissing her. She doesn't want to think about anything.
When he pulls away, she is breathing heavily.
"You're supposed to slap me," he says. He's breathless too, and his face is flushed.
"I thought about it."
"I do love you. And I wish you were happy, so I could hide behind that excuse of yours."
"I am happy," she says.
"We are men of action, Tomoyo," he says, smiling.
Tomoyo smiles back. "I am not lying, Eriol."
He blinks at her, then laughs, and then hugs her close to him.
"It's good to hear you say that."
"Which part?" she laughs.
"All of it. Am I not to take this as a good sign?"
"I was thinking," she says, "that I really missed you. And that if you hadn't come here, then I would have ended up on your doorstep in England when Sakura-chan got engaged, and I would have realized I loved you then, like you did with me."
"Does this mean," he asks, and it sounds like he is having trouble breathing, "that the entire basis for our relationship is that we're in love with other people?"
"I think," she says, "the basis for our relationship is understanding. When I fell in love with Sakura-chan, I wanted someone who saw past my name and my mother's company and saw a girl."
"And now?" he asks. His arms are warm around her. Just like they always have been.
"Sakura-chan could always see me, but she never loved me like I wanted her to. Right now, I love someone because he sees me, and my name, and my mother's company, and everything else, and loves me anyway."
"Someone?" asks Eriol teasingly.
"Yes. I've fallen for Yamazaki-kun," she replies dramatically. "I can only hope Chiharu-chan will forgive me."
He laughs against her ear, and she can feel his breath next to it. "Truth be told, I've also fallen for him. I just love a man with a sense of humor. We'll all have to fight."
"So do I," she says after a pause. She pulls back so she can look at him, seeing his face right next to hers, so close it should be frightening, but he is Eriol, and he's never frightening, even when he should have been, because he loves them all so much. "I'm actually very mad at you."
"Oh?"
"I hate doing what people expect."
"Well," he says, "we could elope, or I could get a sex change, or something. We could ask Yamazaki-kun for an idea that would be totally unexpected, if it would make you happy."
"I am happy."
"Then," says Eriol with a smile, "my work here is done."
In the end, Tomoyo thinks, she doesn't fall in love with Hiiragizawa Eriol because he's smart and funny and attractive and horribly clever and impish, or because Sakura-chan has Li-kun, or even because everyone wants her to. Tomoyo would never fall in love with someone because of other people so, for once, she falls in love selfishly, for her own happiness, because being around Eriol always makes her want to laugh, and that's all she wanted, that rush of joy where she can't hold in her joy, like Sakura- chan and Chiharu-chan and Rika-chan, who even when they're sad or angry are always glowing.
Tomoyo always wanted to be happy no matter what, happy like they were, when they were sad, but she knows it never worked until Eriol came back, and she could laugh even when her heart was breaking.
Tomoyo thinks that the best thing that's ever happened to her was heartbreak, because until that was over with, she couldn't move on.
"Sakura-chan doesn't love me," she says to Eriol triumphantly.
Eriol blinks at her. "Yes, she does."
"Not like I love her," persists Tomoyo.
"No, she doesn't," Eriol says, sounding confused. "I do. What's this all about?"
"I'm just very happy."
"You don't make any sense at all, Tomoyo," he says, shaking his head.
"Yes, I do. And so do you. Everyone makes sense and the world is beautiful."
"Tomoyo, I will love you forever if you never sound that much like Sakura-san ever, ever again. Just hearing that from someone whom I love makes me sure Li-kun will be over promptly to stab me."
"You'll love me forever anyway," she says logically. "And Li-kun will be over to give you the talk about the very direct relationship between how happy I am and how healthy you are," she considers for a moment.
"And then Sakura-chan's brother will give me the same talk, and so will your mother, and I'll have no one to threaten you at all because Spinel and Ruby Moon adore you. I'm doomed, Tomoyo."
"Yes," she says cheerfully, "you are. But only because you aren't as good at magic as you used to be, and those platypi on the road to marriage are more powerful than you are."
He laughs and it is a warm feeling all around her, and she can't help but laugh too. Because she's happy.
She never saw it coming.
I don't think this is a fic I ever intended to write or wanted to write, exactly, but I love Eriol/Tomoyo, and I wrote this, even though I feel it does them no kind of justice. I'm posting it because despite its faults, I do like it. I've tried to be as accurate as I can be with the honorifics. I assume everyone knows what each means, and it doesn't even really matter, as long as you know that first name is more familiar than last name and not using an honorific is most familiar of all. I, of course, do not own Card Captor Sakura or any of that. The title and summary are from a song by Bob Dylan.
If Hiiragizawa-kun had stayed, everyone would have assumed he and Tomoyo would start dating. Tomoyo knows this because she knows how people's minds work, and it amazes her that others don't, because they're so simple, for the most part. Everyone would have assumed it because Hiiragizawa-kun would have continued going around with Sakura-chan and Li- kun and Tomoyo, and since Sakura-chan and Li-kun are practically married, they all would have thought Tomoyo and Hiiragizawa-kun would have ended up the same way. In all the manga, there are these love triangles, and the third person always gets someone else. She wonders if they ever thought she might have been pining for Li-kun. People are so good at not noticing things.
Tomoyo doesn't mind Hiiragizawa-kun. If he had been seriously trying to hurt Sakura-chan, she would have destroyed him, magic or no magic, but she can tell that Hiiragizawa-kun loves Sakura-chan very much, but not in the way that makes smoke shoot out of Li-kun's ears.
She even sometimes misses him, because it would be nice to have another person around. Rika-chan and Naoko-chan and Chiharu-chan all have their own friends and lovers, their own lives, and Tomoyo finds herself feeling increasingly alone. She would like it, she thinks, if Hiiragizawa- kun came back, because Hiiragizawa-kun was so good at making things interesting. Not just the cards, though she did appreciate that—the first letter she sent him had the simple post script "thank you for allowing me another opportunity for my foolish hobby," and he had responded with "Of course, Daidouji-san. But nothing is foolish if you love it so"—but everything: his lies with Yamazaki-kun, his "shit-eating smiles," as Li-kun calls them, and even himself, because Hiiragizawa-kun isn't easy to read like everyone else. Tomoyo can do it, but it takes effort, and she misses that.
Hiiragizawa-kun shows up on her doorstep on a Tuesday, during a rainstorm, taller and broader at the shoulders, but with his same smile which takes effort to interpret.
"Good evening, Daidouji-san," he says, and then passes out.
Tomoyo is nothing if not competent in a crisis. She calls for her bodyguards at once because she may be sixteen years old and stronger than she used to be, but Hiiragizawa-kun, despite being slightly underweight, is too much for her to handle on her own. As they deposit him on the couch, she wets a cloth for his forehead and orders the bodyguards away. They leave hesitantly, and she knows they'll remain outside, waiting.
"What are you doing back here, Hiiragizawa-kun? You're soaked through. If you'd just told me, I could have sent a car," she murmurs, not sure if he'll wake up in time to hear. He's far too warm and she has no idea what he's doing here.
"Well, Daidouji-san, you should have realized," he manages, though obviously with effort, "I'm an idiot."
"Honestly..." she says, smiling somewhat fondly. "What are we going to do with you?"
"You could be a dear and call Spinel and Ruby Moon. I didn't tell them where I was going."
Tomoyo gives him her best Look. "You came back to Tomoeda without even telling your guardians? Did you think this through at all, Hiiragizawa-kun?"
"No. I was very tired."
"You seem to still be very tired. You're also sick. You should have called."
"I wasn't thinking."
"That much," she says dryly, "is obvious. What's the number for Spinel-san?"
He gives it, and she calls. Someone picks up before the first ring is even finished.
"Hello?" says Akizuki-san from the other end of the phone. Her voice is frantic. "Are you Eriol? Please be Eriol. If you're not Eriol, I'm going to hang up, because I don't want some non-Eriol tying up the phone line. Even if you're Brian or Oliver, or even Touya-kun, I'm going to hang up."
Her voice is loud enough that Hiiragizawa-kun can hear it, and he winces.
"Actually, it's Daidouji Tomoyo."
"Tomoyo-chan? Oh, I'd love to talk to you, but Eriol disappeared, and we're really worried, and I don't want him to call and it'd be busy and maybe he'd think we didn't care he was missing and he'd never call again or come back and—"
"Hiiragizawa-kun is here."
"THERE?!" shrieks Akizuki-san. Hiiragizawa-kun winces again, and Tomoyo has to pull the phone away from her ear. "He's THERE?! What is he doing in JAPAN?! SUPPI! Did you hear that? JAPAN! He's at Tomoyo- chan's! Put him on the phone! Put him on!"
"I'm afraid he was out in the rain and not in any state to talk. He wanted me to call and tell you he's fine."
"He was in the RAIN?! ERIOOOOL! I know you can hear me!"
"I believe the whole of Japan can hear her," mutters Hiiragizawa-kun, too softly for Akizuki-san to hear.
"Just because you're upset about Kaho doesn't mean you have to RUN AWAY to JAPAN without telling us. What if something had happened and someone attacked you and you were too mopey to do anything and you'd been KILLED! What would Suppi and I have done? Suppi would have CRIED."
"Ruby Moon," says Spinel-san in a firm voice. "Give me the phone."
"I don't wanna!"
But apparently she does eventually, because after a pause Spinel- san's voice comes through the phone again, more loudly.
"Eriol?"
"He's here. I'll put you on speaker phone if you promise to warn me before Akizuki-san comes back on," says Tomoyo.
"Now even Tomoyo-chan's being MEAN!" says Akizuki-san from the other end.
"Eriol, should we come over, or will this be a short visit?" says Spinel-san.
"I don't know," Hiiragizawa-kun tells her.
"He says he isn't sure," Tomoyo reports. Spinel-san sighs.
"Don't do anything stupid, Eriol."
"It's too late for that," says Tomoyo. "He has a fever."
"Keep in touch please, Daidouji-san," says Spinel-san. "I trust you can take care of him for a little while. I'm going to hang up before Ruby Moon gets back with the sweets. Best to not tell me your number."
Tomoyo smiles as she hears the click of the phone.
"I think they're very worried about you," says Tomoyo. Then, "Why don't you tell me what's wrong."
"Because everything will be so much more pleasant if I don't," replies Hiiragizawa-kun cheerfully, though his voice is still weak.
"You came to my house for a reason, didn't you?"
"Of course I did," he says. He doesn't elaborate.
"You could have gone to Sakura-chan's," she points out.
"But what if Li-kun had been there?" he counters. "Besides, I did not want to see Sakura-san first. I wanted to see you."
"And there's a reason for that, isn't there."
He smiles at her. She notices he's taken off his glasses, and his eyes look soft and unguarded, though she knows they aren't, because they're his eyes. "I missed you."
"Me? I'm flattered, Hiiragizawa-kun."
"No, you're not. Because you know as well as I do how hard it is to find interesting people."
She wants to ask about Mizuki-sensei, but he snuggles onto her lap and falls asleep, and, even more strangely, she lets him.
She wakes up the next morning stiff from sleeping sitting up, and as soon as she looks down she sees Hiiragizawa-kun staring up at her. He smiles brightly at her.
"Good morning, Daidouji-san."
"Good morning," she replies.
"I was going to get up and make breakfast to say thank you, but being in such close quarters, I was afraid I'd wake you, and you looked very tired."
"You still look very tired," she says and brushes his forehead with her hand. "Though your fever is gone."
"This is the best rest I've had in some time," he says cryptically. "I couldn't sleep on the plane at all."
"And before?"
"I was restless," he replies, giving nothing away. She wouldn't want it any other way, of course. "Shall I make breakfast?"
"Someone probably already has," she says. "You're lucky the bodyguards let you sleep here all night. There will probably be unfortunate questions as soon as we leave."
"Oh?" he raises one eyebrow.
"Hiiragizawa-kun," she says, eying him steadily. "You showed up on my doorstep, drenched and exhausted, and then passed out on my doorstep, all of this at midnight. It's a wonder my mother didn't break down the door in her curiosity. She'll want an answer."
"I missed it here. I missed you, and your complicated smile, and having someone as clever as me to talk to," he says, with no pride at his own ability, but she blushes for she realizes what a compliment it is. He at once apologizes. "I've been away for some time. I'd forgotten how rude that was. You are, of course, far more intelligent than I, Daidouji-san."
"That's not true."
"It is. I have magic. You only have wits, and you have far more."
"My mother will not accept that explanation," she says, wanting to change the subject.
"Well, I'll see, won't I?"
He gets up, the weight of him lifting off her lap, and smiles at her, offering a hand. She takes it, marveling. She and he were never close, but here he is in her living room, holding out his hand to her, telling her she is smarter than he is.
"I missed you as well, Hiiragizawa-kun," she says after a moment. "It's been..."
"Different?" he supplies, smiling, and she can tell he knows she was going to say 'sad' or 'lonely,' and that he knows that it wasn't because he wasn't there. She nearly cries, just because no one ever asks her these things because they never notice, and of course he does. He smiles at her and puts his arm around her shoulders. "I have been gone for a very long time, Daidouji-san, and I sometimes forget these gestures are not as natural here. Will you allow an English boy his foreign customs?"
He is giving her a chance to save face. "Just for a little while," she says, smiling. He squeezes her shoulder, and somehow the contact doesn't bother her as it should have, because even though they were together for that year, and even though they've been writing, she doesn't know him well enough for him to hold her like this, for her to feel his side against her, the warmth radiating off him, and she is stronger than this, she doesn't need his comfort. But here she is, accepting it.
Logically, Hiiragizawa-kun should be the last person she trusts, after all he did, but somehow, she knows he loves them all, and wants them all to be happy, and it's been so long since she had someone understand that despite everything she says, she really isn't content.
Mother eyes Hiiragizawa-kun across the table. Hiiragizawa-kun is maddeningly calm.
"So," says Mother, "you are the young man who came last night and did not leave."
"Yes. I'm Hiiragizawa Eriol. I'm very sorry, Daidouji-sama. I can't sleep on airplanes, and I was exhausted."
"So you came here."
"Yes."
"How is it that my house became the chosen place of refuge for a boy I've never met?"
"I missed your daughter. We were classmates in fifth grade and have been writing to each other since. When I decided to return to Japan, I thought she would be kind enough to put me up until I managed my own accommodations."
Mother sniffs. "Surely you could have done that before you came."
"Unfortunately, Daidouji-sama, my coming to your house was as unplanned as the rest of my trip. To tell you the truth, I didn't even realize what I was doing. I was... quite out of sorts. Before I knew it, I had bought a ticket to Japan, and then here I was, on your doorstep."
Mother sniffs again. Hiiragizawa-kun is still maddeningly calm.
"You flew to Japan on a whim and wandered to my house in the small hours of the night to call upon my daughter," she states.
"Yes, Daidouji-sama."
"Are you in love with her?" asks Mother after a moment. Tomoyo blinks, as does Hiiragizawa-kun.
"Daidouji-sama, the thought of doing anything with or to your daughter never crossed my mind, I assure you."
"From what you have said, Hiiragizawa-kun, very little actually crossed your mind throughout this process. In any case, it is no matter. If you have not found accommodations by tonight, you are welcome to stay, though I would prefer you slept in the guest room."
"Of course," says Hiiragizawa-kun, bowing. "I'm so sorry to be a burden like this, Daidouji-sama."
Mother waves her hand. "It's been a long time since I've met such an interesting young man. It's no trouble."
Tomoyo feels her relief has to be visible, but neither Mother nor Hiiragizawa-kun comments.
"Tomoyo-chan, you should get ready for school."
"Yes, mother. Are you coming, Hiiragizawa-kun?"
He looks taken aback for a moment, then smiles. "If it wouldn't be a problem."
"Of course not," she says. "Sakura-chan will be so happy to see you. I can have one of the bodyguards phone ahead to check with the teacher."
"If you would be so kind."
"However," she says with a smile, "I won't protect you from Li-kun, so do be sensible."
"I am always sensible," he counters, and she laughs.
It isn't until later that she realizes he never actually answered her mother's question. But such things don't bear thinking about.
Just because things don't bear thinking about, however, doesn't mean that she doesn't think about them. She wonders if Hiiragizawa-kun thought it would be rude to say he wasn't in love with her, and assumed that his own answer would show well enough his disinterest in her. Of course Hiiragizawa-kun doesn't know Mother, and probably didn't notice the look in Mother's eyes that showed clearly she thought he was being evasive.
"I suppose," says Hiiragizawa-kun as they walk to school, while Tomoyo is still contemplating their morning with her mother, "after school, I should book a hotel."
"Nonsense," she finds herself saying, "we have plenty of room. There's no reason for you to spend money on a hotel when we have dozens of guest rooms going to waste."
Hiiragizawa-kun smiles. "When," he asks thoughtfully, "did the Daidouji residence become refuge for broken hearts?"
"I wasn't aware yours was broken, Hiiragizawa-kun."
"Daidouji-san," he says, looking at her, "I know you're smarter than that."
"So Mizuki-sensei did break your heart," she says, and he winces. "I'm sorry."
He waves his hand. "It'll probably do me well to hear it." He pauses. "It is part of the reason I came to you. I remember you told the Chinese girl..."
"A refuge for broken hearts, you said. Has Mizuki-sensei found someone else?"
"Yes. She said I would be happier with someone my own age."
"And what age does she suppose that to be?" asks Tomoyo, a trifle harshly. Even if Mizuki-sensei meant it in a kind way, she should have known better.
Hiiragizawa-kun chuckles. "I didn't ask, actually. I asked her if it was the same thing she'd said to Sakura-chan's brother."
"Was it?"
"No. She told him that when they next met, they'd both be in love with other people. I told her that she might be wise in all other ways, but she's really terrible with breakups. Of course," he says with a self- deprecating smile, "I suppose I'm doing no better."
"Did you really come all this way just to speak to me, Hiiragizawa- kun?"
"I didn't know anyone else who would understand. Can you imagine trying to talk to Spinel or Ruby Moon about this?"
"I'm sure Akizuki-san gets her heart broken every week."
Hiiragizawa-kun laughs, and it is full and he means it, so she is proud. "Come now, Daidouji-san. You should know well enough that Ruby Moon would never admit any of her men don't love her."
"We're here," says Tomoyo, gesturing to the school. She doesn't want to say that she's never admitted to a broken heart either, just out of stubbornness. But she feels sure Hiiragizawa-kun probably realizes that anyway.
"I came here," he says softly, "because you understand, Tomoyo," he says in English. She isn't sure he knows she speaks English—even on the phone yesterday, Akizuki-san had, strangely, started in Japanese. Tomoyo had assumed it was because she was upset. She doesn't tell him she knows what he said, but just smiles at him, as if she doesn't.
"Eriol-kun!" Sakura-chan perks up as soon as they enter. "It's been such a long time! What are you doing here? Why didn't you tell us you were coming? Or did you tell Tomoyo-chan? Tomoyo-chan, why didn't you tell me?"
In the background, Tomoyo can see Li-kun, glaring. She laughs her old mischievous laugh, which she hasn't had cause to use in a while.
"Good morning, Sakura-san," says Hiiragizawa-kun. "I'm sorry. I came to Japan rather suddenly, otherwise I certainly would have written to warn you I was visiting."
"Are you staying with Tomoyo-chan?" she asks suddenly, peering at them. He nods. "Oh, okay. I was going to say you could stay with us—" there is an audible growl from Li-kun "—but if Tomoyo-chan is happy to have you..."
"It's fine, Sakura-chan. We have plenty of room," she says, as she said to Hiiragizawa-kun as they walked over.
"Good morning, Li-kun," says Hiiragizawa-kun politely.
"Feh," Li-kun responds, almost amiably.
Unsurprisingly, everyone in the class had missed Hiiragizawa-kun, even, she thinks, Li-kun. Although she doesn't think he realizes it. Tomoyo smiles.
"Maybe," says Hiiragizawa-kun, as they leave the juice shop Sakura- chan took them to, "I should start looking for a place to stay. Since they destroyed my house."
"You should call Akizuki-san and Spinel-san," says Tomoyo in a tone just as casual as his.
"Yes, I suppose I should."
"Will you be staying with us long, Hiiragizawa-kun?" asks Mother politely at dinner.
"Not for too long, Daidouji-sama. I was planning to look for an apartment tomorrow."
"Living alone at such a young age?" asks Mother with her eyebrow raised.
"No," says Hiiragizawa-kun with a smile. "I have two housemates."
"Where are they?"
"Still in England. I was planning to call them as soon as I found an apartment."
"Are you not coming to school tomorrow, then?" asks Tomoyo. "Sakura- chan and the others will be very sad."
"It can't be helped," he says, shrugging to demonstrate his powerless state. "Tell them I'm very sorry and will see them again soon."
"And should I tell them you're staying?"
He smiles. "Please don't. I would hate to miss Li-kun's face."
"Shall I tape it for you?"
"If you would be so kind," he says, smiling even more broadly.
Mother is watching the entire exchange with silent satisfaction. She wishes Hiiragizawa-kun hadn't been so evasive earlier.
"Class, we have a new student joining us today. Hiiragizawa Eriol- kun is returning as a permanent student."
Li-kun nearly passes out. Yamazaki-kun looks on the verge of happy tears. Chiharu-chan is rubbing her forehead. Sakura-chan claps her hands and cheers.
"Are you watching this again?" asks Tomoyo. He has the tape paused on his own smiling face.
"I didn't hear you come in, Daidouji-san."
"Akizuki-san let me in. She said it was perfectly dreadful for you to spend Sunday holed up in your room watching videos and I had better get you out of it or she'd start feeding Spinel-san cookies."
Hiiragizawa-kun laughs. "So did you come here in the first place to take me out of my room?"
"No. I came to see how you were doing."
"I'm honored. And fine. No need to worry."
"Who said anything about worrying? Sakura-chan did mention wanting to visit the indoor pool today, though. Would you like to come?"
"If I wouldn't be a bother."
"Of course not, Hiiragizawa-kun. You're never a bother."
"Even when I'm passing out on your doorstep in the middle of the night?" he asks with a smile.
"Even then." She runs her finger over his desk thoughtfully. "My mother quite liked you."
"I'm glad."
"She says she would be happy if I could get a nice boyfriend, someone who loved me."
"What about Sakura-chan?" he asks. His voice is slightly husky.
"Mother knows about that better than anyone," she says and then shakes her head, refusing to be distracted. "I told her you weren't interested in me like that."
"Is that so?" he asks. She worries at the ambiguity, because Hiiragizawa-kun isn't ambiguous unless he means to be, because he's so careful with his speech. She doesn't even know how he would have feelings for her, because it's been so long since they've seen each other, and they were never friends.
"She didn't believe me."
Her phone rings before he can answer. They both jump.
"Hello?"
"Tomoyo-chan! Are you coming to the pool? Syaoran-kun and I are ready and about to leave. Do you want to meet us there?"
"That sounds fine. Is it all right if Hiiragizawa-kun comes?"
"Eriol-kun? Of course!" Tomoyo hears spluttering from the other end of the phone. "I'll make sure Syaoran-kun is on his best behavior."
She laughs. "We'll see you soon."
"Daidouji-san," he says a moment after she's hung up.
"Yes, Hiiragizawa-kun?"
"I haven't a bathing suit."
She laughs, all the tension gone. "I'll call Sakura-chan and tell her we'll be a little late."
She goes with Hiiragizawa-kun to buy his new swim trunks because she feels she might as well, and she did tell Sakura-chan they'd be arriving together. She watches as he tries on various models, proclaiming this one to be too green, this one too blue, this one too colorful, this one too revealing (Tomoyo would have preferred he'd avoided the Speedo section entirely, but he seemed amused).
"Have you considered black?" she asks him finally.
"I'm not sure there are any in my size," he says.
"We haven't got all day. I'd like to swim at least a little."
"Since you asked so nicely..." he quickly finds a black pair and goes to try it on. While he's in the changing room, the saleswoman smiles and tells Tomoyo what a cute couple the two of them make. She doesn't say anything to correct her, because she isn't sure what to say. They aren't a couple, but, she thinks, that doesn't stop their being cute together. So she lets the woman have her assumption. It's easier.
Tomoyo finds it remarkable how quickly everything returns to normal. She doesn't examine too closely the fact that normal isn't the state before Hiiragizawa-kun returned, but before he ever left. Yamazaki-kun is telling lies again, elaborate lies full of life that make Tomoyo laugh. She hadn't been laughing a lot before, because no matter how happy it makes her that Sakura-chan and Li-kun have finally found each other and are together, it's not that sort of happy that makes you carefree, not the kind of giddy happiness Sakura-chan has. Hers is quiet and wistful, but it's not less, she insists. She just doesn't know who it is she's trying to convince.
"Tomoyo-chan," says Sakura-chan. They are on lunch break, and Sakura- chan's voice is serious and grave. Tomoyo is terrified. She's never terrified.
"Yes, Sakura-chan?" she asks, keeping her voice light, disguising her fear.
"I wanted you to be the first to know," she says carefully. "Syaoran..." Tomoyo swallows. Sakura-chan never calls Li-kun "Syaoran." She never has. "He, today, he proposed. And I said yes. We're getting married, Tomoyo-chan. I wanted you to be the first to know," she repeats.
Tomoyo beams. Her eyes hurt from the action, and the side of her face feels stretched. "I'm so happy for you, Sakura-chan."
"Tomoyo-chan..." says Sakura-chan. She knows, of course. She just doesn't know what to say. Tomoyo doesn't mind. Honestly, she doesn't.
"Let me design the dress, all right? I'm going to get started right away!" says Tomoyo, laughing. She runs off to get her sketchbook, leaving Sakura-chan. She thinks it again, trying to wrap her mind around the concept. Leaving Sakura-chan.
She takes her sketchbook and sits down against a tree, staring unblinkingly at one of the pages. She hears the bell in the background, but doesn't really understand it.
"Good afternoon, Daidouji-san," says Hiiragizawa-kun, sitting down next to her.
"Good afternoon, Hiiragizawa-kun. Class is starting."
"Yes, it is."
They sit in silence for a moment.
"Did Sakura-chan tell you?"
"Li-kun, actually."
"I imagine he was thrilled."
"About the news or about giving me the news?"
"Both," she says, but doesn't laugh as she wanted to.
"He said Sakura-san was telling you, and he wanted me to make sure you were okay. He said he would have done it himself, but he didn't know how. He wasn't sure that he could help. He said he thought I had a better chance. It looked like the words actually physically pained him."
She says nothing.
"It was how Kaho told me we were breaking up. 'Eriol,' she said to me, 'I'm engaged.' I was so shocked. She'd moved out because she said she needed time. I never imagined..."
"I'm sorry," she says, blinking. She might be blinking back tears, but she isn't sure.
"I would never dream of comparing my pain to yours. I don't understand what you are going through. I would never dream of claiming I was as in love with Kaho as you are with Sakura-chan."
"I think," says Tomoyo quietly, "that is the first time anyone has ever said that."
"Said what?"
"That I'm in love with Sakura-chan," she says, and begins to cry. How humiliating. She finds it's humiliating just because she is crying, not because Hiiragizawa-kun is there. He puts his arm around her again and doesn't say anything for a little while.
"I will never be as strong as you, Tomoyo-san," he says. She notices his slip, but can't deny that since she is here, crying onto him now, as she seems to have turned so her face is in the tie on his uniform, that they are friends now. "And," he adds, bringing his other arm up so he is holding her, "I would never wish to be."
"Neither would I," she replies, her voice calm, because she is the kind of weeper who doesn't make any noise as she cries, just lets tears run down her face. "It just happened."
He tightens his arms around her, and they stay like that for a long time. She can hear the faint sounds of bells, sometimes, and voices, but no one comes close to them.
Not that this is surprising. No one ever has.
"Fujitaka-sensei called," says her mother calmly when Tomoyo comes home. She can tell he told her the news about Sakura-chan, because she doesn't glare when she says his name like she usually does. "He told me Sakura-chan is engaged."
"Yes," says Tomoyo calmly, "Sakura-chan told me today."
"I met your father the day Nadeshiko got married. I was sitting on a bench in the park, and he said it looked like I needed to talk. I punched him in the face."
Tomoyo giggles. "Thank you."
Her mother hugs her. It is slightly more awkward than when Hiiragizawa-kun did it, but she appreciates the gesture nonetheless. "Of course. Because you're my baby girl." She was silent for a moment. "I don't want you to be like I am, Tomoyo-chan."
"I know you don't," she replies.
"Sakura-chan is wonderful, but there are many wonderful people in the world. Don't ignore all of them."
"I never have, mother," she says, but she's lying.
"I know," says her mother. "But you've never looked at them either."
Tomoyo's closet is full of clothing for Sakura-chan, and videos of Sakura-chan, and pictures they've taken of each other. Sakura-chan almost always gives the clothes back when she's done, because she says her brother would tease her if she kept that many clothes around. Sakura-chan appreciates the clothes, Tomoyo knows she does, but they don't mean as much to her as they mean to Tomoyo. They mean the same thing to both of them—that Tomoyo loves her. That's just so much more important to Tomoyo than it is to Sakura-chan.
She notices among the videos the one marked "Hiiragizawa-kun comes back to school." She should call him, she knows, or something. She remembers when Li-kun comforted Sakura-chan after Yukito-san's rejection and wonders if she should be worried that the situations are so similar, because if Hiiragizawa-kun is in love with her...
She knows, of course, that Hiiragizawa-kun could have easily refuted his feelings for her so many times, but he hasn't. And if he hasn't yet...
It doesn't bear thinking about. None of this ever has, right from the beginning, when he showed up at her door.
But she keeps thinking about him anyway.
"You didn't come back to class yesterday, Tomoyo-chan," says Sakura- chan the next morning.
"No. I got so engrossed in designing a wedding dress..." she says with a smile. She shows Sakura-chan a sketch she did the previous night, in preparation. Sakura-chan smiles.
"It's beautiful, Tomoyo-chan. But the wedding won't be for a really long time. Oniichan's already saying I'm way too young."
"Good morning," says Hiiragizawa-kun, walking in.
"Good morning, Eriol-kun!" says Sakura, grinning.
"Good morning," says Tomoyo, smiling as well. He smiles back at her, his eyes tender and his expression easy to read. I'm glad you're feeling better.
No one says anything about Hiiragizawa-kun not returning to class, and she wonders if they've all finally begun to assume she and he are dating.
It's only a matter of time.
In school, when the news breaks, it's all anyone can talk about. Not that it's a surprise or anything, because everyone's seen it coming forever. But there are congratulations in order, and good natured thumps on the back for Li-kun, and squealing and asking Sakura-chan about dresses and bride's maids and will it be Western or Japanese, and what are the marriage customs in Hong Kong, anyway?
It's exhausting Tomoyo. She nods and smiles and discusses the dress, because that's easy, fabric is easy, but she doesn't talk about the rest of it because she doesn't trust herself.
"You know," says Yamazaki-kun suddenly at lunch, sitting with Tomoyo, Sakura-chan, Li-kun, and Hiiragizawa-kun, "about weddings."
Hiiragizawa-kun glances over at Tomoyo and does not perk up as he so often does.
"They started out as a punishment," Yamazaki-kun continues, nodding. She notices him glance at Hiiragizawa-kun, who still says nothing. Yamazaki-kun continues stubbornly. "When two people had a fight..."
"They were forced to get married," says Tomoyo, shocking Hiiragizawa- kun and Yamazaki-kun, who both stare at her. Li-kun and Sakura-chan are eating it up, as usual. Tomoyo smiles sweetly. "I read it in a book."
"Yes, when fights got too bad, the elders of a village would make people get married," says Yamazak-kun, grinning at Tomoyo.
"And then they'd stay together forever and have to sort out their problems," Tomoyo continues.
"But," adds Hiiragizawa-kun, "soon people who were in love noticed that if they got into fights, they could stay together forever."
"So people who loved each other and wanted to be together started getting into fights," says Yamazaki-kun.
"Until eventually it was impossible to tell who was angry about the marriages and who wasn't."
"But wouldn't the people who hated each other sometimes still fight and get hurt?"
"Yes, Sakura-san. Some of them even got killed. So the practice of marrying people for fighting soon stopped."
"But since that stopped, no one could get married, and people had trouble making sure they could stay together," says Yamazaki-kun gravely.
"And people were nomadic back then," Tomoyo explains.
"Nomadic means they moved around a lot," Hiiragizawa-kun interjects.
"Since they were nomadic," Tomoyo continues, "they moved around a lot. So if they weren't married, there was no way they knew if they could stay together."
"It was a very sad time," says Yamazaki-kun, nodding.
"So, two people who loved each other very much, like Sakura-san and Li-kun do, asked a wise man what they had to do to stay together. And he told them..."
"They had to go on a quest!" says Yamazaki-kun, who obviously felt this lie was far too plausible.
"Unfortunately," says Tomoyo, smiling, "it was a very difficult quest."
"With many bears along the way," says Yamazaki-kun.
"And lions," adds Eriol. "And dangerous platypi."
Tomoyo giggles.
Before they can finish, Chiharu-chan appears to drag Yamazaki-kun, still chattering about the five deeds two people had to complete before marriage in the old days, home. Sakura-chan and Li-kun leave a moment later, obviously somewhat concerned about the possible presence of bears at their wedding. Hiiragizawa-kun catches her eye and she smiles at him.
"Now I can see why the two of you do that."
"It is amusing. Li-kun is just too gullible. Sometimes I feel bad about Sakura-san."
"They're good together. They'll believe anything anyone tells them. It's sweet."
"No," he says, "Sakura-san knows more than she lets on. That's why she told you first. That's why she's always so happy for you."
"I know it is. Sakura-chan always makes sure to smile for me, no matter what."
Neither of them says it, but they both know it's because Sakura-chan knows that the only happiness Tomoyo has is hers. Sakura-chan just doesn't quite realize that it doesn't always help to see her so blindingly happy it brings tears to Tomoyo's eyes.
"I would like to call you Tomoyo all the time," says Hiiragizawa-kun, in English, under his breath, but she can hear every word. He should know better than to assume that just because he is in Japan, no one can speak English, "but I still don't know how to ask without being impolite. So give me time."
Tomoyo smiles at him. "Sometimes I think you don't want me to understand you, Hiiragizawa-kun."
"I'm not used to having someone who can see right through me, Daidouji-san. Give me time."
"As much as you'd like," she says.
After a month, Tomoyo thinks it's time to have a Talk with Hiiragizawa-kun. She just doesn't know what she's going to say. He's still never responded to her mother's question from that first day directly, and she knows that if it wasn't true, he would have just said it. She wants to convince him to stop loving her, if he does, to stop wanting her, to stop thinking that they can be together. She thinks he wants all this, and maybe she is making incorrect assumptions. But he could have so easily denied it.
There's a knock on her door, and Tomoyo turns to see one of her bodyguards leading Hiiragizawa-kun in. She nearly jumps, and thinks about speaking the devil's name and all that.
"Good afternoon, Hiiragizawa-kun. I wasn't expecting you."
"I was in the area," he says smoothly. He glances at her closet. "You know, Daidouji-san, if most people saw this, they'd think you were a stalker."
She blushes. "But you know better, right, Hiiragizawa-kun?"
"Of course I do," he says simply. "Is it all right to talk about it yet?"
"I suppose."
"I think you should get rid of it, Tomoyo-san."
She does not comment on his lapse. She never does. "I've been thinking that too. But I'm not sure what I'd do if I wasn't taping Sakura- chan, or making a dress for her. I would be so lonely without all that to distract me."
He idly plays with the hem on the skirt of one of Sakura-chan's dresses. "Have you thought about moving on?"
"Yes," she says. She pauses. "Hiiragizawa-kun..."
"I was thinking," he interrupts softly, "that it's time you start calling me Eriol."
"Eriol-kun," she says. "Both of us being in love with other people is nothing to base a relationship on."
"Did I ever tell you why I came to your house that night?"
"No. You were cryptic. I believe you lied to my mother and said it was because you missed me."
"I did miss you. But you're right, that was a lie. And," he adds in English, with a twinkle in his eye, "we are men of action. Lies do not become us."
"You make less and less sense, Hii—Eriol-kun," she says, tripping over his name.
"It's because I slip into more and more English."
"No," she says, "English I understand."
"Oh." A pause. "That was a quote, I'm afraid. Just something to amuse myself."
"You were going to tell me why you came here, Eriol-kun."
"Kaho told me to find someone my own age. She was always a great believer in fate. So, I admit, I got drunk and decided that if fate wanted me to find someone my own age, then fate would find me someone. So I left myself in fate's hands, and found myself at your doorstep with little to no memory of how I came to be there."
Tomoyo blinks. "Eriol-kun..."
"I wouldn't have considered the base of our relationship that we're both in love with other people. I always liked you, Tomoyo-san, because you were smarter than anyone else, except for maybe Sakura-san's esteemed brother. You interest me, Tomoyo, but more than that, you understand."
She almost flinches when she hears her name with nothing after it. No one has ever called her just Tomoyo, never in Japanese.
"I'm sorry," he says quickly. "I wasn't thinking..."
"It's all right."
Eriol-kun picks up a hat of Sakura-chan's, a blue one with a star on it.
"How did you and Sakura-san meet?"
"In third grade," she says. "She gave me an eraser."
"And you knew even then?"
"Even then," she pauses. "But she never knew."
"I think she does now."
"Yes, now. But I don't think what you said, about understanding earlier, that it's the best basis."
"Tomoyo," he says gently, "she doesn't love you."
Tomoyo turns to him. He holds up his hands, a universal sign of surrender.
"She does, I know. Just not how you want. It's not a relationship, and she doesn't understand. She doesn't realize what you're going through because you've tried so hard to keep her from seeing."
Tomoyo feels a headache coming on. "Everyone keeps telling me to move on," she says. "Even my own mother."
"It's because we love you," he says. Her heart lurches uncomfortably in her chest. "And we want you to be happy."
"Eriol-kun..." she murmurs. "You always know exactly what to say."
She always thought she was stronger than this, but somehow, it feels so good to have someone who doesn't care.
"Everyone thinks we're dating," she says conversationally. "Did you know that?" Of course he did.
"People like things they understand. They can understand you and me together because it's what they expect. I like our friends, but none of them understand what you feel," he wrinkles his nose. "Except for Li-kun. Li-kun understands."
"He does," says Tomoyo. "I'm very fond of Li-kun. But he doesn't know what to do with me."
"No."
"What would you do with me, Eriol-kun?"
"Don't ask me that, Tomoyo. You might not like the answer."
"Tomoyo-chan?" says Sakura-chan softly. "I've been meaning to ask you. About you and Eriol-kun."
Tomoyo winces slightly. "What about us?"
"He's calling you Tomoyo."
"He's been in England for a long time. It's different there."
"I'd like it if you were happy, Tomoyo-chan. Because I love you."
Tomoyo's heart nearly breaks right there, but she's stronger than that. "I know that, Sakura-chan. I am happy."
Sakura-chan hugs her quickly. "I'm sorry, Tomoyo-chan. I don't know how to give you your own happiness. All I can do is take my own. I want you to be happy too, not just using mine."
"Sometimes," says Tomoyo softly, "I underestimate you, Sakura-chan."
"I love the wedding dress you made. I just hope I'll be too big for it by the time I get married. I still have to be taller than oniichan," she says, clenching her fist in determination.
Tomoyo laughs easily, a light sound. "I'm surprised Li-kun hasn't offered to defend your honor yet."
"He has," says Sakura-chan, biting her lip, "but when oniichan and Syaoran fight, it's scary because they mean it."
Tomoyo nods, and then hugs Sakura-chan herself. "Thank you, Sakura- chan."
Sakura-chan, for once, doesn't ask why. Sakura-chan has always known this. It just took her a long time to find the right words to talk about it.
She isn't in love with Eriol-kun, she doesn't think, at least not the same kind of love she's in with Sakura-chan, because she doesn't think his happiness is her happiness. She thinks she would be much happier if he was happy, and when he laughs, she seems to laugh, and she is happy he is here, and she likes it when she doesn't have to be strong around him and likes it even better when she is strong around him, because she knows she can make him back down if she wants to. She missed him fiercely while he was gone, because he is Eriol-kun and he is kind and polite and very mischievous, so they have a lot in common, and it was always hard to be alone with Sakura- chan and Li-kun, but she couldn't not go when Sakura-chan asked her, so she always went and the two of them would hold hands, and Tomoyo would have no one to talk to. She's happy Eriol-kun is home—and she always thought of him as away from home, for all those years—and sometimes she goes over to see him even when Sakura-chan hasn't asked them to go somewhere. She likes to see him. She doesn't mind crying in front of him. She even likes when he puts her arms around her, and when he calls her just Tomoyo, because no one ever does.
Maybe everyone was right. Maybe she is in love with Eriol-kun.
"Tomoyo," Eriol-kun says suddenly. He is sitting on her sofa, watching her edit video clips. He called earlier and said that if she wasn't doing anything in particular could he perhaps impose on her hospitality because Ruby Moon had decided it would be funny to give Spinel a bath and he was scared and thought leaving might be the best option all around. She said of course he could come, even though she still isn't sure what she wants to say to him.
"Yes, Eriol-kun?"
"Everyone keeps congratulating me on my relationship with you."
"Everyone?"
"Apparently the boys at school have tried, unsuccessfully, to date you, and they are proud of my finally breaking down stubborn Daidouji-san's resistance."
"Well, it's to be expected they think that," she says logically. "You're calling me Tomoyo. Sakura-chan commented too."
"Li-kun," continues Eriol-kun, "threatened to kill me if he ever heard so much as a peep from you that I'd done one single thing wrong."
Tomoyo smiles. "Li-kun is too used to having sisters."
"I'd like it," he says, in the most casual voice he can manage, "if I at least got pats on the back and death threats for something I'm actually experiencing."
She swallows past an unexpected lump in her throat.
"I know."
"Tomoyo?" he says, and his voice sounds very far away and very close at the same time. Her hearing is muffled, as if she is underwater, and though she's still staring at the TV, she can feel him move closer behind her. She's editing the tape of when he came back. His smiling face is there on the screen, and she can imagine him behind her.
"Yes?" she asks, desperately calm. She can feel her heart trying to escape.
"I'm going to kiss you, and you're going to slap me, and we're all going to feel better."
"Okay," she says, because she knows if she didn't, he wouldn't kiss her, because Eriol is a gentleman.
Eriol.
No one has ever kissed her before, and she knows that kissing is a more common practice in England than here, where contact is so much more cautious. She knows America is even worse than England about that and she wonders how she could stand it and then wonders why she is thinking about this at all when Eriol is kissing her. She doesn't want to think about anything.
When he pulls away, she is breathing heavily.
"You're supposed to slap me," he says. He's breathless too, and his face is flushed.
"I thought about it."
"I do love you. And I wish you were happy, so I could hide behind that excuse of yours."
"I am happy," she says.
"We are men of action, Tomoyo," he says, smiling.
Tomoyo smiles back. "I am not lying, Eriol."
He blinks at her, then laughs, and then hugs her close to him.
"It's good to hear you say that."
"Which part?" she laughs.
"All of it. Am I not to take this as a good sign?"
"I was thinking," she says, "that I really missed you. And that if you hadn't come here, then I would have ended up on your doorstep in England when Sakura-chan got engaged, and I would have realized I loved you then, like you did with me."
"Does this mean," he asks, and it sounds like he is having trouble breathing, "that the entire basis for our relationship is that we're in love with other people?"
"I think," she says, "the basis for our relationship is understanding. When I fell in love with Sakura-chan, I wanted someone who saw past my name and my mother's company and saw a girl."
"And now?" he asks. His arms are warm around her. Just like they always have been.
"Sakura-chan could always see me, but she never loved me like I wanted her to. Right now, I love someone because he sees me, and my name, and my mother's company, and everything else, and loves me anyway."
"Someone?" asks Eriol teasingly.
"Yes. I've fallen for Yamazaki-kun," she replies dramatically. "I can only hope Chiharu-chan will forgive me."
He laughs against her ear, and she can feel his breath next to it. "Truth be told, I've also fallen for him. I just love a man with a sense of humor. We'll all have to fight."
"So do I," she says after a pause. She pulls back so she can look at him, seeing his face right next to hers, so close it should be frightening, but he is Eriol, and he's never frightening, even when he should have been, because he loves them all so much. "I'm actually very mad at you."
"Oh?"
"I hate doing what people expect."
"Well," he says, "we could elope, or I could get a sex change, or something. We could ask Yamazaki-kun for an idea that would be totally unexpected, if it would make you happy."
"I am happy."
"Then," says Eriol with a smile, "my work here is done."
In the end, Tomoyo thinks, she doesn't fall in love with Hiiragizawa Eriol because he's smart and funny and attractive and horribly clever and impish, or because Sakura-chan has Li-kun, or even because everyone wants her to. Tomoyo would never fall in love with someone because of other people so, for once, she falls in love selfishly, for her own happiness, because being around Eriol always makes her want to laugh, and that's all she wanted, that rush of joy where she can't hold in her joy, like Sakura- chan and Chiharu-chan and Rika-chan, who even when they're sad or angry are always glowing.
Tomoyo always wanted to be happy no matter what, happy like they were, when they were sad, but she knows it never worked until Eriol came back, and she could laugh even when her heart was breaking.
Tomoyo thinks that the best thing that's ever happened to her was heartbreak, because until that was over with, she couldn't move on.
"Sakura-chan doesn't love me," she says to Eriol triumphantly.
Eriol blinks at her. "Yes, she does."
"Not like I love her," persists Tomoyo.
"No, she doesn't," Eriol says, sounding confused. "I do. What's this all about?"
"I'm just very happy."
"You don't make any sense at all, Tomoyo," he says, shaking his head.
"Yes, I do. And so do you. Everyone makes sense and the world is beautiful."
"Tomoyo, I will love you forever if you never sound that much like Sakura-san ever, ever again. Just hearing that from someone whom I love makes me sure Li-kun will be over promptly to stab me."
"You'll love me forever anyway," she says logically. "And Li-kun will be over to give you the talk about the very direct relationship between how happy I am and how healthy you are," she considers for a moment.
"And then Sakura-chan's brother will give me the same talk, and so will your mother, and I'll have no one to threaten you at all because Spinel and Ruby Moon adore you. I'm doomed, Tomoyo."
"Yes," she says cheerfully, "you are. But only because you aren't as good at magic as you used to be, and those platypi on the road to marriage are more powerful than you are."
He laughs and it is a warm feeling all around her, and she can't help but laugh too. Because she's happy.
She never saw it coming.