Chapter 4- Thoughts of Love and Life
I laid back down on my bed, still dressed in my pajamas and my bed unmade, cup of water in hand. I splashed the water all over my face, chilling me, waking me up from this horrible nightmare I knew I was in. Sin...could it really be back? But...I thought that I had destroyed it, for good. The Eternal Calm was supposed to be just that, eternal. There must be a mistake, it could not happen. Someone must have mistaken a big rock for Sin...right? It couldn't come back...it just couldn't!
I turned in my bed, bringing the covers close up to my neck and sighing. I felt like I could cry again; cry because everything was slipping through my fingers like water from a faucet. How could I save Spira again? But was it really my job to save it once more? Yes...of course it was my job. I'm the High Summoner, even if I am part of the Gullwings and hunt these stupid spheres for a living. People depend on me to create order out of chaos and that's what I'm going to do! I'm going to give order to Spira once more and send away the fiends...and Sin...for good!
Yet, wasn't that what I was supposed to do two years ago?
I punched the bed with all my might, my hand balled up into a tight fist, trying to expel some of the anger that was wild inside of me. I wanted to cry yet I knew I had to be strong. I want to scream but I knew that I must be calm. I want to...I need to...
It was then that I thought of her. She had helped me. She had helped me calm myself through my tears, telling me, somehow, that things would be okay, that things would all fall into place the right way. Then, on the Bridge, she had calmed me once again, showing me a side of her that I had never seen before.
Wait a minute! I'm thinking this again! I'm thinking of...Paine...in this more than friendly way. I keep thinking about it and looking at her, and somehow I always find what I'm looking for...
I don't understand! I turned around on my bed, anger rising in me to an uncontrollable level, and laid flat on my stomach. What was going on with me! I have felt all these feelings before...all of them. The nervous butterflies fluttering around in my stomach as I see her enter a room, or standing next to me, are coming back stronger than ever before. Or the sweaty palms I get when I even brush her figure. Or maybe the lose of words when I try to speak to her. How long has this been going on for? Certainly these feelings were here with me before I had that dream with her? All these emotions are so strong and so real that it's hard to discern my other thoughts from my emotions. I'm going crazy! Going crazy in lo-
Love?! Hardly. Okay, I guess, I'll admit that...well...I do seem to like Paine in that way. I mean, how else can I explain these feelings I get, the thoughts I think, the dreams I dream? Even before that dream I have been looking at her differently. Perhaps it even started when I first joined the Gullwings...seeing her there with her arms crossed and her feet tapping as if she was impatient. She even looked beautiful then, eager for a next assignment and hardly caring about who this was that had just come on board. I probably liked her then! Oh my, what is coming over me? Liking a girl? I don't understand...I just don't....
Maybe I should stop trying to understand. Maybe I should just...let it be. Thinking about all of this...just, everything, will make me feel worse and maybe I should just...let it go. Whatever will happen will and if I do like Paine than I do...why try to change it? Obviously I like how things are going, I like liking her. I mean, why shouldn't I? She's an attractive young women that holds so many secrets within her frame. What else would I want in someone, male or female, that I would want? She's just...perfect.
So, if I have decided that I like her, why can't I...think about her? I mean...I had that dream last night and that sure was nice. Can't I...think about kissing her?
Yeah, yeah I'll do that.
I closed my eyes and started to think...to dream.
I was back in that tower, with Paine, kissing her. I could feel her soft lips against mine, her tongue traveling inside of my mouth, feeling every corner. Your tongues danced slowly to an unknown beat, caressing each other, feeling, teaching....It was so wonderful...so magical...never did I want it to stop...never....
My eyes popped open. This is so strange yet so amazing that I just can't feel embarrassed to be thinking this. Why should I be discomfited by something that feels so wonderful to me. And, just think, I'm only imaging it. I wonder what it would be like to really kiss her.
Oh, stop it! She'd never want to kiss me, never ever. I just know. And yet...remember the way she looked at me when I was crying, or on the bridge. There was something there...something real and strong. Maybe she was thinking all the things that I was right now....Maybe my fantasies aren't so far- fetched after all.
Okay, back to my castle in the sky.
Her hands slowly moved up from my back to touch my shoulders. They were bare as my simple, white dress started a little below where her hand was now resting. Slowly she started to touch me, her hands growing more daring as our kiss continued, our tongues continuing to play with each other. Slowly she started to touch my chest, circling around where I knew she wanted to go. Oh, please, I prayed, wanting her to touch me more. I felt so flushed and breathless that I had to stop our kiss, moaning as I did so.
"Paine..." I started, my voice a low whisper, "Paine...I..."
She smiled; her lips curving upwards and giving me such an emotion that made me squirm inside. Such a look...that look...it said so much...It looked like she really cared...like she really loved me....Emotions and thoughts started to flood through me and I pulled her closer, kissing her hard. I felt this horrible yet beautiful urgency to be with her, to feel her...everywhere....
I heard footsteps. I opened my eyes quickly and turned my head to my right to see who was approaching the steps. I was caught in the act! Of thinking about her...but how would they know what I was thinking? It is still okay, Yuna, it's still okay...no one will ever have to know what you were thinking. Everything's okay...
It's...it's...oh sweet Spira, it's Paine!
There she was, walking up the steps in her usual attire, somehow changing over the past hour that I've been here, sitting and laying, deep in thought. Slowly, without a care in the world, she climbed the steps up to where we slept, up into the upper portion of the cabin. She continued to walk until she sat down on her bed, next to mine, and looked at me. I tried to hide my face, knowing that it was all flushed from my little...daydream, but I was too late.
"Yuna, are you sure you're okay?" Paine asked, concern flooding her voice. "You look sort of flushed."
I blushed even harder. Could she possibly know that I was thinking about her in that way?! No, no, there is no way she could. Just...calm down!
"Oh, um," I tried to say but I found it hard to speak as my breathing was so hard, "I'm fine. I was just...um...thinking about...y'know...life...that sort of stuff. I'm fine, really."
She looked at me funny as if she was trying to look through me and read my mind. I started to sweat under her gaze. Those eyes, as beautiful as I knew they were, looked frightening and scary, and all because I thought she might know my secret, that I did, actually, like her.
"Okay, then," she said after a pause, "I just came up to make sure you're alright. I was worried about you."
She was worried about me?! My heart did circles when I heard this. She did care about me! Well, at least enough to worry about me. I'm getting ahead of myself; I need to calm down. Just because she cares about me doesn't mean that she likes me in that way. Gotta calm down here.
"We'll be reaching Besaid shortly, within the next hour actually." Paine turned to go, getting up from her still unmade bed, but she stopped after only having gone a few feet. "If you need any help, with anything, or you just want someone to talk to, I'm always around. I, of all people, know all too well what a real help Rikku can be sometimes. Just thought I'd tell you, okay?" With that, she left and pounded down the stairs, two steps at a time.
My heart, oh my beating heart! Calm thyself down or I may die from these feelings I now have! Just an hour ago I wasn't sure how I felt about her but now I know. I know that I really do like Paine, that I am falling madly....Oh, let's just use it; I'm falling madly in love with her.
Oh be still my beating heart!
I laid back down on my bed, still dressed in my pajamas and my bed unmade, cup of water in hand. I splashed the water all over my face, chilling me, waking me up from this horrible nightmare I knew I was in. Sin...could it really be back? But...I thought that I had destroyed it, for good. The Eternal Calm was supposed to be just that, eternal. There must be a mistake, it could not happen. Someone must have mistaken a big rock for Sin...right? It couldn't come back...it just couldn't!
I turned in my bed, bringing the covers close up to my neck and sighing. I felt like I could cry again; cry because everything was slipping through my fingers like water from a faucet. How could I save Spira again? But was it really my job to save it once more? Yes...of course it was my job. I'm the High Summoner, even if I am part of the Gullwings and hunt these stupid spheres for a living. People depend on me to create order out of chaos and that's what I'm going to do! I'm going to give order to Spira once more and send away the fiends...and Sin...for good!
Yet, wasn't that what I was supposed to do two years ago?
I punched the bed with all my might, my hand balled up into a tight fist, trying to expel some of the anger that was wild inside of me. I wanted to cry yet I knew I had to be strong. I want to scream but I knew that I must be calm. I want to...I need to...
It was then that I thought of her. She had helped me. She had helped me calm myself through my tears, telling me, somehow, that things would be okay, that things would all fall into place the right way. Then, on the Bridge, she had calmed me once again, showing me a side of her that I had never seen before.
Wait a minute! I'm thinking this again! I'm thinking of...Paine...in this more than friendly way. I keep thinking about it and looking at her, and somehow I always find what I'm looking for...
I don't understand! I turned around on my bed, anger rising in me to an uncontrollable level, and laid flat on my stomach. What was going on with me! I have felt all these feelings before...all of them. The nervous butterflies fluttering around in my stomach as I see her enter a room, or standing next to me, are coming back stronger than ever before. Or the sweaty palms I get when I even brush her figure. Or maybe the lose of words when I try to speak to her. How long has this been going on for? Certainly these feelings were here with me before I had that dream with her? All these emotions are so strong and so real that it's hard to discern my other thoughts from my emotions. I'm going crazy! Going crazy in lo-
Love?! Hardly. Okay, I guess, I'll admit that...well...I do seem to like Paine in that way. I mean, how else can I explain these feelings I get, the thoughts I think, the dreams I dream? Even before that dream I have been looking at her differently. Perhaps it even started when I first joined the Gullwings...seeing her there with her arms crossed and her feet tapping as if she was impatient. She even looked beautiful then, eager for a next assignment and hardly caring about who this was that had just come on board. I probably liked her then! Oh my, what is coming over me? Liking a girl? I don't understand...I just don't....
Maybe I should stop trying to understand. Maybe I should just...let it be. Thinking about all of this...just, everything, will make me feel worse and maybe I should just...let it go. Whatever will happen will and if I do like Paine than I do...why try to change it? Obviously I like how things are going, I like liking her. I mean, why shouldn't I? She's an attractive young women that holds so many secrets within her frame. What else would I want in someone, male or female, that I would want? She's just...perfect.
So, if I have decided that I like her, why can't I...think about her? I mean...I had that dream last night and that sure was nice. Can't I...think about kissing her?
Yeah, yeah I'll do that.
I closed my eyes and started to think...to dream.
I was back in that tower, with Paine, kissing her. I could feel her soft lips against mine, her tongue traveling inside of my mouth, feeling every corner. Your tongues danced slowly to an unknown beat, caressing each other, feeling, teaching....It was so wonderful...so magical...never did I want it to stop...never....
My eyes popped open. This is so strange yet so amazing that I just can't feel embarrassed to be thinking this. Why should I be discomfited by something that feels so wonderful to me. And, just think, I'm only imaging it. I wonder what it would be like to really kiss her.
Oh, stop it! She'd never want to kiss me, never ever. I just know. And yet...remember the way she looked at me when I was crying, or on the bridge. There was something there...something real and strong. Maybe she was thinking all the things that I was right now....Maybe my fantasies aren't so far- fetched after all.
Okay, back to my castle in the sky.
Her hands slowly moved up from my back to touch my shoulders. They were bare as my simple, white dress started a little below where her hand was now resting. Slowly she started to touch me, her hands growing more daring as our kiss continued, our tongues continuing to play with each other. Slowly she started to touch my chest, circling around where I knew she wanted to go. Oh, please, I prayed, wanting her to touch me more. I felt so flushed and breathless that I had to stop our kiss, moaning as I did so.
"Paine..." I started, my voice a low whisper, "Paine...I..."
She smiled; her lips curving upwards and giving me such an emotion that made me squirm inside. Such a look...that look...it said so much...It looked like she really cared...like she really loved me....Emotions and thoughts started to flood through me and I pulled her closer, kissing her hard. I felt this horrible yet beautiful urgency to be with her, to feel her...everywhere....
I heard footsteps. I opened my eyes quickly and turned my head to my right to see who was approaching the steps. I was caught in the act! Of thinking about her...but how would they know what I was thinking? It is still okay, Yuna, it's still okay...no one will ever have to know what you were thinking. Everything's okay...
It's...it's...oh sweet Spira, it's Paine!
There she was, walking up the steps in her usual attire, somehow changing over the past hour that I've been here, sitting and laying, deep in thought. Slowly, without a care in the world, she climbed the steps up to where we slept, up into the upper portion of the cabin. She continued to walk until she sat down on her bed, next to mine, and looked at me. I tried to hide my face, knowing that it was all flushed from my little...daydream, but I was too late.
"Yuna, are you sure you're okay?" Paine asked, concern flooding her voice. "You look sort of flushed."
I blushed even harder. Could she possibly know that I was thinking about her in that way?! No, no, there is no way she could. Just...calm down!
"Oh, um," I tried to say but I found it hard to speak as my breathing was so hard, "I'm fine. I was just...um...thinking about...y'know...life...that sort of stuff. I'm fine, really."
She looked at me funny as if she was trying to look through me and read my mind. I started to sweat under her gaze. Those eyes, as beautiful as I knew they were, looked frightening and scary, and all because I thought she might know my secret, that I did, actually, like her.
"Okay, then," she said after a pause, "I just came up to make sure you're alright. I was worried about you."
She was worried about me?! My heart did circles when I heard this. She did care about me! Well, at least enough to worry about me. I'm getting ahead of myself; I need to calm down. Just because she cares about me doesn't mean that she likes me in that way. Gotta calm down here.
"We'll be reaching Besaid shortly, within the next hour actually." Paine turned to go, getting up from her still unmade bed, but she stopped after only having gone a few feet. "If you need any help, with anything, or you just want someone to talk to, I'm always around. I, of all people, know all too well what a real help Rikku can be sometimes. Just thought I'd tell you, okay?" With that, she left and pounded down the stairs, two steps at a time.
My heart, oh my beating heart! Calm thyself down or I may die from these feelings I now have! Just an hour ago I wasn't sure how I felt about her but now I know. I know that I really do like Paine, that I am falling madly....Oh, let's just use it; I'm falling madly in love with her.
Oh be still my beating heart!