A/n- Okay, this is probably kind of freaky, and a little, okay, a lot strange. It is basically getting into the super cool and confidence Sam's head, showing a different side to the super smart scientist. (say that 3 times fast) Anyways, I hope you like and don't find too confusing.
Disclaimer- I do not own Stargate or the song My Worst Fear
Spoiler/Season- Mid seventh season
Warning- Mild language
Rating- PG-13 (mild, nothing worst than the show)
Pairing- Jack/Sam
Summary- How much would you give up just so you don't lose it? Sam is about to put her faith to the test when she must leave the SGC, but is it just for one reason and what does it have to do with a certain Colonel
I'm sitting here in the dark. The pain, it's too much for me right now. How else did you except me to deal? Please tell me you knew other wise. If not, I have to wonder if you really know me that well. Come on, Jack, I need someone and you know that, but you know it couldn't be you. It's too much, too much for the both of us; too much for me.
I try to finish, I try just to concentrate, but you know I can't. I know I can't. Sitting at my desk, I look over the diamond like figure lying peacefully on my desk. Again, searching it, trying to find a hint of clue on how to work it, but like you, it is mysterious and impossible to figure out. Weather or not that is a flaw, I can't figure out, but I know its fact.
I can't stand the way you make yourself appear as an idiot, when it is so easy to see that you are anything but. These other men I try to work with, they have nothing on you.
Damn it, Jack! I need to; I need to stay on track. I can't let the thought of you; I can't let you take my work, the thing I gave my life to, be taken away and make it seem like it is nothing, like it is worth nothing. Because, now; now I have no reason of staying, no reason of being her but you; you my ever so perfect angel.
I set my head on my arms and close my eyes in hope to make out the shape of your older face. I need, I have to work, but forces beyond my control won't let my eyes open. I start to try again and to get up when the doors to my lab open ever so slightly. Again, I try, I will myself to get up, but again, I will fail. Keeping my eyes close, I pretend like a child trying to avoid conversation that I myself am asleep. I, however, am not a child. I'm a Major for the United States Air Force, but for some reason that fact is buried with the though of having to have to talk to you.
I hear you smile and let out a small sigh. You brush my bangs and my world is wrapped up by you. To think a touch that is a kind gesture means so much. You stand still, watching me as I pretend to sleep like a child. Bending down, I can feel your more than nervous breath on my neck. What, Colonel Jack O'Neill, the man I look up to and cherish more than life itself, are you doing standing over me? What can possibly going on in that mind of yours?
My questions are answered with a small kiss on the cheek facing the ceiling. To think, my white knight just kissed me. Yes, you heard right, me. Thoughts flood through my mind as I then remember the camera in the corner of my office until I realize that, this was Colonel O'Neill, some one who could make anything disappear with a glance. I smile at the thought, but then yell, for I'm supposed to be asleep. I roll my head to hide my face within my arms. The same arms I want to wrap around him. The same arms I want to hold him with late at night. And the same arms that handed my letter to leave the SGC and the military.
"Please don't forget me," Colonel Jack O'Neill whispered. I swear I heard a tear hit the floor in the silence as I let on drop from my eyes. "Can't you see Sam, I love you." My world is warped into something else. I see white appear all around me, and I can't find my way home. Please Jack, don't say that. I want to reply, but I'm asleep, and I can't. The door to my office is closed quietly and I stay in my sitting position, crying into my arms.
Last night you gave me a kiss
You didn't know it, but I was awake when you did
You were quiet, you were gonna let me sleep
So I just laid there pretending to be
You said some things you didn't
Know I could hear
And the words "I love you" never
Sounded so sincere
I know you know I'm leaving. But you don't know I know you do. I guess you do. You figure I'm smart enough to figure it out on my own. I mean I should be, shouldn't I? But, I can't not tell you. It isn't fair for you. It isn't fair for my heart or me. I need to tell you one on one. You need to hear from me. I can't, won't tell you everything; because I know you can't handle it. But, you shouldn't have to suffer even if you could. I wouldn't be fair to you.
Waiting until I knew he was at least in his car, I sit up. Rubbing my eyes, I look around. Nothing I could do would make this right. How could you say that Jack? How could you possibly think you can come in here and say that? Do you not realize that I'm more in love with you than you could possibly imagation? Maybe... maybe you did know, and maybe you still do, so why do you do this Jack? Can't you see, can't you tell that I'm not allowed to feel this way. Then again, neither are you.
I walk out of the base, saying goodbye to no one on my way. Rubbing the back of my neck, I head onto the elevator and push the button for the ground floor. Sighing, I await the ever so slow movement as it moves me up, up closer to Heaven, closer to him.
Getting into my small sports car, I fiddle with the keys. I know it's in here somewhere, but some reason, I can't seem to find in it. Argh! I finally find the keys and slip them into the hole and blast away the music even though it never even past through my ears. I have blocked out my mind, only to let myself think about you. Yes, you, Jack. I pull out of the parking stall, knowing very well I was in no state to drive. I should, logically call Daniel, but I won't. I refuse to ask for help when I would only look idiotic.
Please, Jack, you shouldn't have told me. I have to leave don't you see that? I can't stay, not in the state I'm in. I won't be able to be on the team, and I don't think I could stay here and watch you every day. Goodness Sam, stay focus! I make a sharp right turn, as I'm about to miss my street. Tears in my eyes blurry my vision as I look ahead. I can see my house, only a few more down. Turning into it, I turn off the engine. I can't get out though. I am more than temped to drive to your house; the route is mapped out in my mind.
I finally decide I must go in. Getting out of the car, I grab my laptop bag and again, am stumbling through my keys. Finding the copper key, I walk up the path and place it in the knob. Unlocking the door, I set my bag to the right against the wall and go to the phone and play the messages.
"You have one knew message," the computerized voice announced. A new voice soon begins to play.
"Hey Sis, I'm coming into town tomorrow to help out. I'm leaving the kids here for now along with their mother. I have a hotel reservation if I can dish out for my lil sis to give me a place to stay. I'm planning on staying for a week, but I will be there as long as you need me. See you in the morning."
The message ended with no goodbye. I had completely forgotten that Mark was coming to town. Shit. The guest room, I didn't tell him he could stay here, damn it Sam, why aren't you thinking? I walk to my desk; I'm sure my phone book will be there somewhere. With it filled with what, maybe ten people. I have to say my social life is non-existence. I have molded my life around my career, and now since that is taken from me, what am I to do? Why does this all have to be so damn difficult? I flip through the book and when I find the C's I place my finger on 'Mark'. As I reach for a phone, I see a clock. 100 hours. With kids, I can't call him now. In the morning I will. I look around the house and quickly start to pick up. It's a mess and he will be here soon. Real soon. Looking around, I start with the kitchen and make my way to the guest room. By the time I'm able to look at the clock it is 400 hours. I can't stand how stuff so simple takes so much work than before. I might get, if I'm lucky, twenty minutes of sleep. I crawl onto the over size. I'm finally rendered into sleep with the thought of you being all I can see.
It's gonna make it hard to tell you that I'm leaving
Now that I know just how much you care
You finally gave me one good reason not to go
But staying here is my worst fear
I'm pulled out of the nightmare of a fantasy by a more than annoying buzzing noise. It is 500 hours and I must be at the SGC by 600. Pulling myself off the bed, I rub my eyes and undress for a shower. I stand under the more than cold water as a picture of you Colonel, is stuck in my head.
"Can't you see Sam, I love you." Those words rang like a song through my head as I dried myself off. By the time I was fully dressed, the remembrance that I was off for a personal day hit me. How could I forget something like that? Because, Sam, your mind is else where, on a certain Colonel there is a chance you will not be able to see in two weeks.
I look at my clock. Mark's plane will arrive at noon, and it takes a little over twenty minutes to get here so I have time. I look around the house, still spotless. I again glance at my watch, and decided to head to the SGC to do some work before Mark gets here because there is no way I'm going 5 hours with nothing to do. Maybe I will get lucky and see the Colonel… Damn it Carter, stay focus.
I get into the same car as last night with the same bag. Placing it in the passenger's seat, I back out of my driveway and more or less speed to the base.
"Major," a Lt. says politely. I give a weak smile, but don't say a word. Looking around, I head the direction of my lab.
Taking a seat, I set down my stuff and take in a deep breath. Okay Sam, finish what you came her to do. What did I come here to do anyway? 'Get your mind off Jack,' another voice answered. 'By coming to the only place you could see him?' the first voice question. Damn, I'm going schizo.
"Um, what did you say?" Damn it Daniel. Looking up, he is holding a folder where he could read it easily with on arm and fixing his glasses with the other. I squint my eyes in hope that in some way, that will make me disappear.
"Aren't you off today?" he asked with a sly smile.
"Yeah..." Come on Sam, excuse, think of an excuse! "I just want to get some stuff done before I meet my brother." Okay, honesty... kind of. Oh, well, he's buying it. I watch him turn around and before I can stop myself, I call him back.
"Yes, Sam?"
"You... you've heard I'm leaving, right?"
"The rumors," he replied with a sadden face. Please don't do the Daniel.
"I'm not sure how long, or if I'm allowed to come back. I just, I had a great time..." come on Sam, keep it together. "Working with you." My feet pull me over to where he was and I hug him closely. I don't understand what made me do such things, but fact is I did. I feel something hit my shoulder and notice wetness there a second after.
"I'll miss you," he said, still embracing me tightly.
"Me too," I said, pulling away and wiping at my eyes. How stupid I must look as I try to smile.
"Well, I must... yeah..." he smiles. I smile. Shutting the door behind, I flex my left hand. Damn, it so sore. I repeatedly make a fist and roll my wrist as I know I'm wincing in pain. My whole body aches, and hurts just o move, but I have to. Walking over to my desk, I pull out a bottle of Ultram and slipped it in my pocket. Okay, now, where to get a drink?
I get up, and walk down to the commissary. Colonel, he, he might be there. I know I'm smiling despites me trying not to.
"Major Carter." I stop abruptly and turn around to face General Hammond.
"General..." Wait, what... shit.
"Major, are you not on personal leave? I thought you were coming back tomorrow to pick up your things," he stated, his Texas accent taking over.
"I know, I just... I wanted to tell everyone goodbye," I say with a smile. Nice excuse.
"Very well; am I let in on this goodbye?" the General asked with a small smile. I've never noticed how old he really was. Looking at him, I let out a smile of my own, and hug him.
"I will miss you General," I say.
"As to you, Major," he said as he more than pushed me off of him. It wasn't until that moment did I realize how inappropriate that hug was. Gulping, I look down.
"Do you know where I can find Colonel O'Neill?" I asked, getting back into military mode. This is the way I have to be here.
"I'm afraid he took the week off since SG-1 is off duty until we find a temp," he said. They're replacing me? I should, I mean... but... Wait, he's... I won't see him, unless I'm let back.
"Thank you," I say after a minute. I walk away swiftly and get bottle water from the commissary. How could he take a week off? Doesn't he know he wouldn't see me? That's not fair Colonel, do you not understand? My knees start to get shaky and I need to site. I really don't want to make a scene. Pulling a seat by a table, I sit down, still shaking.
"Major Carter," Teal'c says as if it is a 'hello'.
"Hey Teal'c," I said, offering him a seat. He sits, eyes fixed on me.
"I understand you are leaving the SGC, but I do not understand why," he states after a moment. I need some medicine, but I don't want to take it in front of him.
"Yeah, I can't work here," I say sadly. My voice is betraying me. Stay strong Carter.
"Is it something I did Major Carter?" he asked innocently.
"Of course not," I reply quickly, smiling.
"Is it something O'Neill did?" I hesitate, and I know he noticed.
"No, Teal'c, it is because I'm..." Damn it, what do I tell him. That I, Major Carter, can't stand on my own. That I will give up everything so I won't lose it. And that I'm not near as strong as I once was
"Major Carter our cell phone has been going off in your office for about ten minutes now," a man said.
"Thank you," I mumble and look at Teal'c.
"Bye," I say, giving him a quick kiss on the cheek, I rushed off to my office, hoping Teal'c will not follow, and praying the phone was Jack.
This morning I rolled out of bed
Recalling all the sweet things you said
This was the day I was gonna hurt you bad
Called out your name, but you didn't answer back
I searched the house to find out what was wrong
Like a ton of bricks, it hit me you were gone
I can't believe I forgot about Mark, again! Damn it Sam. I rush out to the elevator, looking around. An awkward feeling rushed over me as I stood there. It would be the one of the last time I rode this elevator. My knees shot with pain and I bent down to rub them as the doors open revealing Colonel. What, but he was supposed...
"Major Carter," he says politely.
"Colonel, I thought..."
"Had to get some things," he said, lifting up a duffle bag.
"So, where you planning on leaving and not letting me say goodbye?" It's harsh, yes, but I need to say it.
"Carter, you are the one leaving!" The doors open, but we both stay still, looking into each others eyes. I dare to take the first step and walk straight to my car at a fast pace despite the intense pain in my knees. Fiddling with my keys, I can't seem to find them.
"Carter! Sam!" I stop when he said my name. Looking up, he is on the other side of my car.
"What?" I can feel the tears in my eyes.
"Please, we can't leave it like this. Don't let us leave it like this. Don't leave..." He whispered the last part, but I heard it.
"You really think I have a choice!" I scream. Shit, Damn it Carter, don't say that. He doesn't need to know why you are leaving Sam! Just leave as it is. 'But you can't!' Damn that second voice roared again.
"Sam... Though you might believe otherwise, I do care for you, and I just don't want you to leave," he stated sadly. His voice flowed genially out of his mouth. His face held a smile, but in his eyes laid tears.
"And that's why I have to," I say sadly, turning so I wouldn't have to face him.
'Jack, I love you!' I scream inside, but am not able to say out loud. I look back at him and focus all on my knees. Looking into his eyes, I remotely unlock the car and get in, leaving him standing there, staggered. I can feel the tears in my eyes and the pain all over. 'Just stay, tell him how you feel, you know he feels the same way!' 'But it will just make it harder to leave,' the other voice objected. Holding the top of my as if I had a migraine, I try to focus as I pull completely out of the parking lot and head to the main road. I see a Zip Stop up ahead and pull in. Grabbing a Diet Pepsi and a Whatchamacallit I pay at the counter. A man, late twenties stood there, giving me an evil glare. Rolling my eyes, I hand him a ten and wait for him to give me the change. His dark eyes kept on me as he pushed in some buttons and flipped through the money, not once looking down.
"Thanks," I said, thankful to get out of there. I know I'm shivering as I leave, but at this point, I can't care less. Getting back to my car, I can only make it that far before my legs give out. Reaching for the door for support, I opened it and sat in slowly. Taking a deep breath I pull my legs in and rest my head on the wheel. Pulling out smoothly, I speed out of the parking lot. Okay, Mark will be there in about ten and it takes me about… five plus… seven, if I speed. Perfect…like Jack. Damn it!
Moving my eyes back on the road, I try again to focus. I'm trying really hard, can't you see? Can't you tell? I want so hard… so hard to be normal, to seem all right, but you took that. Can't I have it back? Please give me my sanity back Colonel Jack O'Neill. Don't take it when I need it so much.
I am home, and safe. What time… great, now only about two minutes until he gets here. I scurry to get into the house and start some coffee. Taking a seat, I grab a book on the nightstand. The 101 on Space-time Topology. Or not…
It's gonna make it hard to tell you that I'm leaving
Now that I know just how much you care
You finally gave me one good reason not to go
But staying here is my worst fear
"Sammie?" Mark? I get up from the chair and look over at the door. My big brother is standing there with a wide smile.
"Hey," I said, walking over to give him a hug. I can feel a smile on my face, one I deserve to be smiling. For once in this past crazy week, I am sane, I am happy.
"How ya been doin?" he asked as I led him to a couch. I take a seat across from him.
"Fine, just, kinda still a little… I just can't believe I'm really doing this," I admit with a smile.
"Just remember, you don't have to do this…" he said, looking at me.
"Yeah…" I say, my smile getting a bit bigger as I stand, "I really do." I walk into the kitchen to get coffee even though that sounded disgusting at the moment. I hear him call after me, but I won't stop. Not now.
"Sammie, this is it. You surpassed your dreams with flying colors. You are a Major in the military; you have a great job… Sammie, I can't see you giving it up so easily," he says. His eyes are beating on my back, but I refuse to turn around. Damn it Mark, this… you are here to help me, not to make me fell bad! I have to go, I will not lose everything!
"Coffee?" I asked, changing a topic, a trick I picked up from him.
"Sammie…" I held up a full mug within his reach, and with the most pitiful eyes he grabbed it and shook his head. "Alright, well, I have bag or two of stuff… and the hotel…"
"Bring it in. You aren't staying at any hotel anyway; I have a guest bedroom that has been wait use for at least twenty years…"
"You've lived here only ten," Mark said, heading off to his car.
"Yeah, but the lady before… I don't think she had much company," I say with a smile. I carry one of his bags into the guestroom, wheeling it most of the way. I wait for him to throw both of his bags on the bed before I head back to the living room.
"Here ya go," he said, almost running into the living room, holding a wine bottle. I smiled as I set it on table and looked around.
"Well, I reversed a golf course about twenty minutes away for one thirty," I said, forcing myself to use normal terms. "You want ta go eat first?" The question is simple, but he ponders it for about two minutes. Finally, looking up, his eyes beamed as he smirked.
"That old diner still there?" he asked. The diner we went to back then? The diner that sits on the corner of the street about a mile away? That diner? Of course it is. It will always be there. I nod, I think.
The golfing came and went and by the time we where done with the eighteen holes, it was getting dark. I was glad thought. Mark and I caught up a lot and it felt good… I guess. I mean I have been living the past twenty some years with little or no contact and so it is a little awkward. Looking at him as I sped down the deserted road, I thought of Jack. Mark had aged since I had saw him last, and while I love him, he can't be my Mark. Seeing him only once a year… it's not the same. He's not my big brother anymore. He lost that job when he left so many years ago. Just like Jack lost that job. Leaving me with no choice but to leave, isn't that the same as leaving? I can't believe he could be so… I don't understand how I'm supposed to move on. Jack, come back to me. Let me let the past go. Let us start over with a new identity, with a new love. Because this love; this love isn't working. It isn't allowed to work.
We get home and share a large, veggie pizza and beers. I go to bed early as an excuse to get away from it all, to get away from the though of facing you. Yes you Colonel Jack O'Neill. Can't you see you are tearing me into? I love you with everything, and that night… how the hell am I suppose to just leave after something so perfect like that? Please tell me Colonel Jack O'Neill. Please tell me the secret you so dearly hide from me. I need to know how to move past what I live for. You left me with nothing. Nothing to live for but you, the one thing I cannot have. And now, now I don't know if it is something I want. I need to talk to you Sir. I need to look into your eyes and let the pain go away. I need the pain to leave me. I need you. I love you Colonel Jack O'Neill. Will you just not love me back? Could you please come back to me?
All along I knew that there was something missing
And only one thing left to do
I had to leave behind this life that we'd been living
But the only thing that left was you
I get out of bed. It is 600 hours. 6 A.M. Sam, it is 6 A.M. You are not in the military; you do not need to act as if so. 'But you can't live without the military,' my second voice stated. 'Yes, yes we… yes I can!' I fight back, not realizing how stupid this is. 'Oh wait, it's the Colonel you can't live without,' the second one sniped. Muting it, I looked got in a quick shower and headed to base, leaving a short note to Mark. My mind kept drifting off… but I refused to let it take over. To let it show. Pulling up to the base I look around. Saying hello to the guard, I pull in. I can't believe this will be the last time I'm here. I can't believe I'm actually doing this. Damn you, Colonel. I get out and push my key into the door. Getting onto the elevator, I look around. I push the button and let the door close. I move to my room, keeping my shoulders ever so tight open my lab. The last time I am in this lab. My lab, which I have spent my life in, my lab, which I wanted to spend the rest of my life in. The lab that IT happened. When everything happened, everything that lead up to this. Damn this lab. Damn this base. Damn you, Colonel.
I start gathering my stuff: a picture of you and me at the picnic and one of Daniel, you, and Teal'c. I place my plant, the beautiful one you gave me. The only plant I have yet to kill. The lily. I grab my books, one by one at first, but start grabbing five at a time. By the time I have all of my books, pictures, plants, and knick-knacks; I have filled about four boxes. I pick up one, completely filled with books. It's heavy, and my weak growing bones have hard time gripping it. Looking around, I think about what I should do. Teal'c. Smiling, I leave the office, looking for my friend. Finding him easily, it took less than that to convince him to help. Following him to my office, I let him help carry the boxes with books, as I grab on filled half with books and then the plant.
"I am sorry to see you leave Major Carter," he said as we waited for the elevator.
"Me too… it's just something I have to do," I say.
"I am pleased to have a chance to serve with such a strong solider," he said, smiling his own little smile. We get to my car in silence and he helps me put the boxes in the back seat. I look at him, saying I need to get one more box before I leave. He offers to help of course, but I refuse his offers gently. I smiled as we walked towards the elevator again. As we push the button I look up at him. This man, the man I have worked with for about seven years, I hardly know at all. The man that has saved my life one multiple occasions, I don't know.
"Teal'c, I going to miss you more than ever," I say, looking into his eyes. I look into those deft defying and lock them in on me.
"So you are leaving Major Carter?" he asked when an innocent voice. I gave him a smile and nod, not trusting myself to sleep. The elevator opened and we both stepped in, me first of course. I wait for him again, and push the button. I wait for the door to close and the shifting feeling. Looking up at Teal'c, I smiled, as he looked straightforward. The doors opened and we stepped out peacefully. I looked at him and I feel something roll down my cheek.
"I'll miss ya Teal'c," I said, hugging him. I know it took him by surprised, but I needed to do it. I stepped back and looked at him on last time before walking away.
I'm done. I'm out for good. Well, not the best thing. Yeah, Sam, don't be so excited. I mean, how the hell do you think I should do? Stay? Yeah, that will work. I'll stay, and while I'm being torn up on the inside, I will just as quickly be torn apart on the out, losing everything, and I don't think I can live with that. I don't think I should have to. Do you? Do you think I deserve a chance at Heaven? I mean really? What have I've done to deserve you? Why should I have all I want? Colonel, I don't think I deserve Heaven, but the only other choice is Hell. Jack, why can't I just leave you? Why can't I just leave everything? Why do I have to? Am I the only one crying? Where are you? Are you even going to say goodbye? Are you just going to leave, after everything?
I wait until I'm back in my office and grab the box quickly. Turning around, I leave towards the door and walk to General Hammond's office. Sitting the box at the bottom of the stairs, I walk up and knock on General Hammond's door.
"Come in," he beckons.
"Sir," I say, walking into his office in full out military mode.
"At ease Major," he says from his desk.
"Sir, I just came by to tell you I am leaving," I choke.
"Major, you have thirty days, remember that. You can change your mind…"
"No offence, Sir, but I cannot," I say, looking straight ahead.
"All right, Major, my wishes are with you," he said. "Dismissed." I leave and he is still sitting at that desk. As I reach for the handle, him calling out my name stops me.
"Yes, Sir." What could you want General? This needs to be easy.
"I want to hear from you Sam, okay?" What did you just say, Sir? I know I did not hear you right.
"Yes, Sir," I said, leaving with a smile. General, why do you want to hear from me? You do not know me. You never knew me, and now never will. I know I am walking out of your office General, but I can't tell you how. I'm grabbing the box and moving towards the elevator, but I promise I never moved a muscle. Why, why do you do this to me Jack? I'm here, where are you?
Twenty minutes have past and I am almost home. Why am I going there? Your brother is there. Oh yeah, that's amazing. Damn it Sam, I hope you keep a better cool than this later. When you have to face him. No, you won't have to face him. You will never have to see him again. 'But is that what you really want that?' the second voice asked. Okay, this is really getting annoying. 'You didn't answer the question?' Okay, I'm tried of you… me… shit… Carter, you are officially going crazy!
"Sam, ya in there?" Mark? What are you doing here? Mark, do you not hear me? What the hell is wrong with me? The kitchen, the chair… I'm in my house, but how. "Sam, are you okay, you are zombie-ing through everything.
"Mark, what are… okay, help me, I'm going crazy," I said. I look at him; he is more than frighten.
"Sammie, why don't you sit down," he says, taking a hold of my arm and led me to a chair. I try to pull away, but I can't. Why can't I? I'm stronger than you, right? He sets me down gently and then takes a seat himself. "Sammie, are you sure you know what you are doing? Are you okay?"
"I'm just… I'm kind of tried," I said, yawning to provoke my act.
"Sam… I'm just worried about you," he says, looking at me. I try to read his eyes, but they are temporary unreadable. Okay, come on, where are you Mark? "Sam, are you listening to me?"
"Mark, I'm sorry, it's just, I can't… is this really happening?" Did I just ask that? Sam, you are losing it. Say calm. Stay cool. Okay, just keep you mind off him. Who, Jack? Damn it!
"Sam, why don't you take a nap; I think you could use it. I'll make some lunch, but we need to get to the hospital by four. Why, what's noon? 'Doctor telling you when to suspect lost of control on your knees and…' Oh… yeah. Okay, stop that! Good, you are normal, stop taking to yourself. See Jack, this is what you did! Happy now? I hope so, you… this is all your fault! You are suppose to be my boss; my Colonel, and now… now I can't even go through this easy thing without going insane! Insane! I, Major Samantha Carter of the United States Air Force, am going insane. How the hell is this happening? I'm supposed to be the NORMAL one.
I'm lying down. How the hell did… never mind, it's not worth it. I need to think, stay awake, because I'm not protected in my sleep. You can be there, Colonel Jack O'Neill. You can haunt my dreams, and you do. Why do you cause so much pain? What did I do to you? Why must you taunt me with your love? Can't you see I love you Colonel Jack O'Neill? But I'm not strong enough to face the fact that I can love you. I'm tried. I'll just close my eyes, only for a moment's time. No time longer.
"Carter, I'm glad you could come," Jack says, walking over to me. I look at him, dressed up in a kakis and a nice button down shit.
"Wouldn't miss it, Sir," I replied, hating myself for having to say Sir.
"Cut the Sir, Carter," he said.
"Only if you call me Sam," I teased and then for kicks added, "Sir."
"All right… Car… Sam, do you want a drink. I'll buy," he offered, grinning.
"You are aware the drinks are free?" I asked, smiling, but followed him, taking a quick look at his six.
"Awe… fine," he said, taking a seat at the bar.
"Thank you," I mumbled when he handed me a Bud from the cooler. The rest of the night past by in a blur, and the only part I remember was the one too beers. The Colonel… Jack offered to take me home. Looking at him, I took the offer. At the time, I didn't realize that he himself had drank a few, but knew he was better off than me. As we approached my house, he gentleman like walked me to my door. I looked at him, about even since I was a step above him.
"I love you Sam," he said, looking at me.
"No, I think you've had one to many beers," I said back, hoping it wasn't true.
"Sam…" he stopped and looked at me. Pulling me in, he gave me a kiss. More perfect than I imagined. Not that I ever had… It took me a second to realize exactly what was going on before I stepped back and rushed in my house, afraid of what that meant, or if it meant anything…
I shot up from the dream. The perfect dream… Damn it Jack. I remember the next day… the next day is when I found out the news… Shit…
"Sam!" Mark, what are you doing here? "Sam, lunch is ready…"
"Okay…" I mumble. I think I mumble. I get out of the bed and walked down the hall. There is pasta and salad on the table, perfectly laid out.
"Hungry?" he asked with a smile. I gave a weak smile and sat down. The food was amazing. I mean, of course it wasn't much… but it tasted so good. Ring.
"Do you want me to get that?" he asked, about to get up.
"No, thanks, I got it," I said, not wanting too, but too proud to let him. I walk down, and my mind races on who it could be. Everyone should be at work, right? I let the door open slightly. Jack? Jack; is that you standing on my front porch? What are you doing here?
"Hey," I try to say.
"Carter…" he says back, unreliable of his own voice. "Can we talk?" he asked.
"Sure," I say, stepping out on the porch. We take a seat on the swing which I just got and sat there in silence. What could you possibly want? You were supposed to be out of my like.
"Sam… Sam, I'm sorry about what I did. I realize how inappropriate it was, and if you want… it could never have happened," he said, looking back at me, wait for me to say something. Come on Sam, say something! I try, but nothing comes out, so I try to let him finish.
"Sam, I do feel strongly about you, in ways I'm not suppose too," he says, "but I can change. I mean, don't…"
"Colonel, you can't help feeling a certain way about someone," I said, my voice crying.
"I can… if it means you won't leave," he said, eyes begging.
"Colonel, I care," I said, taking his arm into my lap, "so much about you. I want to keep feeling this way, but I can't," I said. Why did I just say that?
"Carter… Sam…" he mumbles, looking me in the eyes.
"O'Neill, I have Fibromyalgia. It's a disease, that... I basically can't do much without crying out in pain. I can't do the military thing…" I said. "I do care, Sir, and I have for a long time, but please… just please let me go. I'm moving back to California with my brother's family in a week," I say, tears forming in my eyes.
"I'll, I can go with you. What about a Tok'ra thing, I mean, sure they aren't the nicest…" he rants, looking me with begging eyes.
"Jack, please… I can't ask you to leave what you've worked so hard at and won't let you give it up. And I can't… not the Tok'ra," I mumble, head down. I dare to look up and he is crying. Please don't cry, Colonel. I didn't mean to hurt you. I'm so sorry, please…
"You can't expect for me just to let you leave," he said.
"I shouldn't have to," I mumble, getting up and walking towards the door. "I love you Jack," I said, shutting the door slowly, only to be meet by my brother's open arms.
It's gonna make it hard to tell you that I'm leaving
Now that I know just how much you care
You finally gave me one good reason not to go
But being alone is my worst fear
And staying here is my worst fear
Okay, Fibromyalgia is a disease that basically makes your body hurt like hell... I was told to think back to a flu you have had, do you remember what your body felt like? Sore, tried, well, think about feeling that way most of the time.
Please tell me whatcha think