His Confessions Part II
10.19.2009- Author's Note: THIS IS NOT AN UPDATE. I was talking to my friend today about how horrible it is to go back and read stuff you wrote when you were younger because it always sounds so stupid and juvenile. And to prove my point, I went back and reread this story that I wrote back in high school. My friend told me that it is fun to edit old stuff, so I thought I would give it a try when I found annoying typos and excessive profanity that undoubtedly made its way into the story due to the bad mood I must have been in (embarrassed laugh). Not much has changed, but I feel better about the story now…so hurrah? This story is horrifically AU now…so please note that it is only canon up to Order of the Phoenix. Thanks, and may the force be with you on your fanfiction-seeking adventures. -Jt
Author's Notes: Hey, this fanfic is totally different than anything else I have ever written...needless to say, I guess I was just in a depressed mood last night so out popped a depressing story. Well, writing it actually made me feel better though so yay! =) I got the idea for this story when I was driving home and Usher's Confessions Part II was playing on the radio. Yes, this is a songfic, please don't click that back button, come on, GIVE IT A CHANCE! The song lyrics are bold and italicized, and really aren't part of the story, but just help move it along. Okay, please review! I LIVE off reviews! When no one reviews my story I get VERY SAD! Thanks! -Jess
Disclaimer: I do not own anything Harry Potter, that's all JK Rowling's! Nor do I own the song Confessions Part II, that belongs to Usher. Okay, here we go!
-PS- I did make one change to the song lyrics. The line with the phrase "phone call" was changed to "floo call" because it just wouldn't make sense for them to use phones since they are wizards and all. Okay, thanks!
('-')
Confessions Part II
Harry Potter slammed his fist into the wall of his apartment, cursing the day he ever screwed Lavender Brown. The stinging pain in his fist was nothing compared to the throbbing ache of his heart and the pounding hammer on his head. He glared into the orange flames in his fireplace, where Lavender's head had been just half an hour ago. "What the hell are you gonna do now, Potter?" He whispered to himself, blood boiling in hatred for his accursed luck. "Why me, eh? Haven't you done ENOUGH to me? WHY?!" Harry yelled furiously upwards, lifting the pitcher from his table and hurling it at his door, watching it shatter against the hard wood surface before his eyes just like his whole world was.
He slumped down into a chair and grabbed his hair with both hands, wanting to cry and yell and curse and kill all at the same time. "You have to tell her you know," he thought to himself. "She'll hate me forever," he whispered aloud. "You'd rather her find out from someone else?" Harry groaned, squeezing his eyes shut and forcing the unwanted tears back into their emerald green sources. He sighed and took of his glasses, wiping them on his shirt.
"Hey, mate."
Harry's head shot up at the sound of Ron Weasley's voice. Sure enough, Ron Weasley's head was sitting in his fireplace, his usual bright blue eyes looking dull with sympathy and trepidation. "Hey Ron." Harry mumbled, burying his head in his arms.
Ron eyed his best mate sadly. "Man...Harry, why'd you do it? You have such a good thing going with Cho...ever since she got over Cedric and you two finally got to know each other..." Ron's voice trailed off as Harry sat up to stare aimlessly at a speck on the table.
Harry felt numb. He tightened his hands into fists, his fingers cold and stiff, feeling sick to his stomach. He swallowed, as more tears threatened to push out of his green pools of emotion. "I don't know," he answered honestly. He thought back to when Lavender first walked into his office to interview for the job of his Auror's Office secretary. "I guess her wanting me made me feel..."
"Man, you KNOW you had enough of that going with Cho. I mean you've been in love with her for how long, mate? I mean, come off it...you knew Lavender at Hogwarts, she was practically the House flirt, total ditz...why would you do that, Harry?" Ron looked sternly at his friend, partly angry, some confusion, and a whole lot of disappointment.
"I know, I know. I had everything with Cho." Harry gripped his glass of water tightly.
"You had it all, mate."
"Maybe that was it." Harry muttered sullenly.
"What?!"
Harry looked his friend straight in the eye. "Maybe my life was too perfect. My best friends finally realized they were in love," here, Ron blushed a nice shade of red, "my girlfriend and I were engaged, I've gotten to the peak of my career, second career, that is, but I won the Quidditch World Cup for England, so even my first career was perfect, maybe my life was so damn perfect," Harry slammed his fist against the table resentfully, "maybe it was so great that I felt like I needed something else in it." He closed his eyes in exhaustion and self-hate. "Maybe I just took it all for granted and wanted more."
Ron sighed and took in the sight of his best friend, who, after coming back after a first fall had now sunk to deeper lows. "Geez, Harry. After you confessed to having an affair...now this, eh? Why the hell does shit always happen to you." It wasn't a question, however, just an observation. Harry moaned and slammed his head against the table. Ron's concerned voice rang out, "Stop it, mate. What the hell, killing yourself isn't going to make this shit go away." Harry glanced at Ron dully. "You know what you have to do, Harry."
Harry stared tiredly at the speck on the table again. "Yeah, I guess I do."
Ron looked hopeful. "You can do it, Harry. You and Cho are in love. You can get through this."
Harry got up and cleaned his face off with a wet towel. Feeling slightly more confident, he turned to his friend's head in the fireplace. "Yeah, Ron. I guess I'll have to. Thanks." Ron smiled encouragingly before his head went "pop" and disappeared. Harry grabbed his cloak and headed out the door, grinding the pitcher glass pieces under his feet.
Watch this...
Harry took a deep breath of the cool summer's eve air. As he began walking briskly to Cho's house, he smiled ironically to himself. He never would have thought he'd have to do this again.
These are my confessions
Last time, he had broken Cho's heart. The pain of betrayal was written all over her face even before he told her. Last time, someone else, "Fucking Malfoy," Harry muttered, had told Cho the "good" news first. When Harry reached her house, she was already in tears. Even as he apologized, trying desperately to explain why he would hurt the woman he loved, she couldn't bear to look at him. Pouring his heart out to her in between sobs, Harry had begged her to just look at him.
-FLASHBACK-
Cho sat on her couch, one hand covering her mouth and the other clinging to Harry's hand as she cried heartbreakingly. Harry was kneeled on the floor beside her, his arm wrapped around her ankles, his head on her lap. He, too, had tears falling down his face as he begged her, "Cho, please. I can't stand that I've hurt you like this, please, please, look at me, I can't bear this..."
Cho's almond shaped eyes, which usually sparkled with life and humor, were now light brown endless pools of tears that gushed forth mercilessly. "Harry, I loved you so much...how can I look at a man that I love but has betrayed me so deeply?" Her voice was soft, still the sweet voice he loved but riddled with sobs and pain.
Harry reached one hand to cup her chin. Watching her pearly tears slide down her round pale face and drop off her cheek like rain, he suppressed another sob, and said, "Cho, I'll tell you everything. I never want to hurt you again, I never wanted to hurt you to begin with, I'm sorry, so sorry, Cho, I love you so much...I was so stupid Cho, so bloody retarded..."
-FLASHBACK END-
Just when I thought I said all I can say
He had told her everything, how he hired Lavender, how she flirted with him, how he felt like he needed a release from his perfect lifestyle...how he still doesn't understand why he did something so stupid. He told it all to her, and when she asked how she could ever trust him again, he had told her, "Cho, I love you, look at me. You know I do. I've loved you since my sixth year in Hogwarts when I first came to know the real you. Can't you see my pain what I've done to us, to you? I'll never hurt you again, Cho, you're too precious to me for it to ever happen." Even though Cho knew he was telling the truth, it was still a few days before she could face him, and weeks before they were back on reconciling terms. Yesterday, he held her in his arms for the first time in a month, and she let him stay with her the entire night.
But that was before he found out.
My chick on the side said she got one on the way
Just one hour ago, Lavender's head had popped into his fireplace. Before he could tell her to get lost, and remind her that she knew his relationship with Cho, she told him the news that had sent him on this stroll to his fiancé's home.
-FLASHBACK-
Lavender's face was serious. "Harry-"
"-Don't even bother, Lavender. I told you, I love Cho and I don't know why I ever did anything with you. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have taken you to dinner, I shouldn't have-"
"-Harry! Listen to me," her voice sounded grave. She took a deep breath and shook her wavy blonde hair out of her face and said calmly, "Look, I know you're with Cho, and I know we just had a fling, I've had them before, Harry, I know what they are and I'm not here to try to force you to stay with me or anything." She paused for a second and shuddered, "Oh, God, no, Harry, no offense but you're really not my type-"
Harry felt relieved but interrupted her all the same, "-Lavender, I appreciate your assurances but why are you here?"
"Uh, right. Look Harry, I think you better sit down. One of the times we did it, I forgot to use the Contraceptive Charm. I mean...I didn't think it'd matter because I've forgotten it before-"
"What are you saying, Lavender?" Harry's voice croaked and his breathing tightened in fear.
"Fine...Harry, I'm pregnant."
-FLASHBACK END-
These are my confessions
Man I'm throwed and I don't know what to do
I guess I gotta give you part 2 of my confessions
Harry ran a hand through his untidy black hair and sighed as he walked. When he found out, he was in a state of shock, horror, nausea, and dizziness. Now he just felt numb as the summer breeze brushed his skin and the dread of what he had to do chilled his heart. He really didn't think he'd have to do something like this...especially twice.
If I'm gonna tell it then I gotta tell it all
"I guess there's no point in trying to hide anything then," he thought to himself, ignoring the people who were waving at him as he passed. "Famous Harry Potter," he thought savagely. "I wonder what they'll say when they learn what a fraud I am."
Damn near cried when I got that floo call
He thought back to the moment Lavender told him.
-FLASHBACK-
Harry's eyes widened in shock, his worst nightmare just affirmed. "You're-you're what?!"
"PREG-NANT, Harry." Lavender looked impatient. "I'm having your baby."
Harry squeezed his eyes shut and opened them, praying that Lavender's head be gone from the flames. No, she was still there, and she was studying him. His head was pounding, and the room seemed to sway before him. He doubled over, feeling like he was going to be sick. Wanting to cry, he ran to the bathroom to vomit.
-FLASHBACK END-
I'm so throwed and I don't know what to do
Shaking his head in disbelief, he pinched himself, wondering if he might awake in his bed with Cho beside him to find this all a bad dream. "Ouch." No such luck. "Damn."
But to give you part 2 of my confessions
"I guess I have to go tell her this."
Now this gon' be the hardest thing I think I ever had to do
Got me talkin' to myself askin' how I'm gon' tell you
"How the hell am I going tell her," Harry muttered to himself. "I don't want to hurt her again."
A voice inside his head reminded him flatly, "You hurt her already when you shagged that tart."
"Shuddup," Harry grumbled aloud. "What if she can't handle it?" His eyes misted over. "I can't stand to break her heart again."
'bout that chick on part 1 I told ya'll I was creepin' with,
(creepin' with)
"When I told her about Lavenger...well when I confessed it...she had already known...I thought it was going kill her. She looked so broken, so vulnerable." Harry jammed his hands in his pockets and stared at his feet in shame.
The voice in his head hissed bitingly, "Oh, you mean when you told her you were cheating on her and had been getting your end away with Lavender for two months?"
"Bugger off." Harry spat bitterly. "I love Cho. Everyone knows it."
"Ahh, but now Lavender..."
Said she's 3 months pregnant and she's keepin' it
Harry sighed and replayed the kitchen scene in his mind.
-FLASHBACK-
"Are you mad, Harry?! Shit, it's your bloody kid too, remember that." Lavender growled furiously. Calming down, she looked at him sadly. "Look, I'm not getting rid of it."
The first thing that came to mind was you
Harry's shoulders sagged dejectedly. "I'm still in love with Cho, you know."
Lavender rolled her eyes. "Yeah, whatever," she said impatiently. "I don't care, I told you I don't want to marry you or anything. Hell no. I'm just telling you. Because it's yours too."
"She's going to hate me."
Second thing was how do I know if it's mine and is it true
Harry looked up at her. "How far along are you?"
"The Healer said three months."
"Oh."
"Look, Harry, I'm sorry I forgot to use the charm. It was our first time...and I guess I wasn't thinking-"
Harry interrupted quickly, "No, don't apologize, it's as much my fault as it's yours."
Lavender shrugged. "I know my reputation, Harry. I may be promiscuous, but I'm not immoral. I'm pregnant, and I'm keeping the baby."
Harry asked the question that was drilling his mind carefully. "Are you sure it's mine?"
Lavender's fair face contorted in offense and fury. "What the fuck, Potter?!" She glared at him through the flames. "I may get around but I'm not such a slag to not know who I've been shacking up with." Her hazel eyes flashed and narrowed.
Harry, who had been holding his breath at his last chance, sighed in defeat. "Okay, sorry."
Lavender's eyes softened. "I'll get a test for proof if you want. I know this shit hits the fan hard, but here it is. Bloody hell, I'll be damned if it's not yours, Harry. Shit, I don't think I could handle screwing more than one guy at a time. What the hell do you think I am?"
Harry quickly amended, "No, I was just hoping for a way out. I'm sorry, Lavender." He felt defeated, and accepted it.
Third thing was me wishin' that I never did what I did
Lavender batted her thick dark lashes and said resignedly, "Well least we had some good times, hmm?" She pouted her glossy pink lips.
"I wish we hadn't." Harry whispered glumly. "How could I do this to her?"
How I ain't ready for no kid and bye bye to our relationship
Harry traced the wood grains on the tabletop. He barely noticed Lavender shrug and disappear from his fireplace. He looked over at his owl, who was perched dignifiedly on his counter, eyeing him reproachfully, or maybe that was just his imagination.
"Hedwig...I can't do this." Harry held his arm out to his snowy owl, who flew over and landed gracefully. She pecked his finger in an affectionate manner. Harry stoked her back, sighing, "I'm not ready to be a dad, Hedwig. Especially to a child I've had with Lavender." He looked out the window sadly. "I always thought my first one would be with me and Cho. I want to spend the rest of my life with her. But how can we...how can it possibly work out like this?" He put his head down on his other arm and tried to stifle his sobs. "How can I tell her this?"
-FLASHBACK END-
These are my confessions
Just when I thought I said all I can say
My chick on the side said she got one on the way
Harry looked at a picture he had in his wallet of him and Cho. This was taken back when he graduated from Hogwarts. He was grinning madly in his scarlet robes with his arm around Cho, who was smiling shyly and gazing at him lovingly. A single tear rolled down his cheek as he watched picture-Cho wrap her arms around his neck and give him a kiss on the cheek, while be blushed and waved happily. What he wouldn't give to be back in those days when they were worry free. "All of this...I thought last month was the hardest thing I'd ever have to do." he muttered.
"But alas, now see what Lavender has to say," the voice in his head sang sarcastically.
These are my confessions
"But she doesn't expect a commitment from me or anything," Harry argued with himself.
"Doesn't change what you have to tell Cho."
Man I'm throwed and I don't know what to do
I guess I gotta give you part 2 of my confessions
Harry sighed. There wasn't anything else he could do. For as much as it would hurt her to hear it from him, it would hurt her infinitely more to learn it from someone else, and to think that he lied to her about this newest development.
If I'm gonna tell it then I gotta tell it all
Damn near cried when I got that floo call
I'm so throwed and I don't know what to do
"When I tell her this time, it will be the last time," he promised himself. "I won't hurt her anymore."
But to give you part 2 of my confessions
"At least not after you talk to her tonight," his mind added nastily.
See when this stuff goes through be tryna figure out
As Cho's house came into Harry's view, his pace slowed down. "Already here," he muttered. He tried not to picture her face when he'd tell her. He tried not to see her pain brimming out of her eyes and hear her heart-shattering sobs. He thought about everything he'd put her through. "What am I supposed to say to her?"
When, what, and how I'mma let this come out of my mouth
Cho, meanwhile, was inside cleaning her windows. "Scourgify!" She called, pointed her wand at the window facing the street, peacefully humming to herself and flipping through her copy of Enchantment in Baking. She knew treacle tarts were Harry's favorite. She looked out her newly cleaned window happily and saw Harry walking over. "Harry!" Cho exclaimed, her brown eyes twinkling in pleasure. She patted her hair out of its tangles from doing housework, brushed off her deep blue robes and ran over to the door. Smiling, she waved.
Harry watched her, his heart pounding and melting and freezing all at the same time. He tried to smile back, and gave a small wave. "She looks so happy," he thought sadly. "How can I do this to her?" At that moment, he hated himself more than ever, more than he did when Sirius had died.
Said it ain't gon' be easy
"That's what you get for being an asshole, Potter," he reminded himself coldly. "Hurts, doesn't it, breaking the heart of the woman you love?"
But I need to stop thinkin', contemplatin'
Be a man and get it over with (over with)
He took a deep breath. This was it. He felt like the biggest cretin on Earth, here to deliver news that will make his love suffer. "Do I have to do this," he thought desperately, watching her pretty face flush with happiness in seeing him. "Stop it," he ordered himself. "Stop being a pansy, you owe it to her to tell her the truth."
I'm ridin' in my whip
Racin' to her place
He sighed and stepped onto her porch. Green and brown gazed into one another through her screen door, one in sadness and the other now in confusion.
"Are you all right, Harry?"
Talkin' to myself
"You owe her the truth," he reminded himself. "She's too important to you for you to lie to her." Harry sighed, dreading this moment. "Yes, she is." He took another deep breath and looked her in the eye again. "Cho," he began.
Preparin' to tell her to her face
He couldn't bear to watch her face transform. Her hurt was written clearly on her face. Her body sagged and she leaned against the wall for support. Harry couldn't take it. Tears poured forth from his eyes and he pressed his hands upon the screen. "Cho," he begged, "I've never stopped loving you and I never will. This doesn't change any of my feelings, you know that don't you?"
Cho closed her eyes. This couldn't be happening. Why did this have to happen?
"Please, Cho, you've got to understand-"
"Understand, Harry?" Her voice was full of hurt and her eyes were sad, her lashes heavy with tears as she looked up at him. "She's having your baby, Harry, what do you expect me to say?"
Harry pleaded with her, "Please, Cho, we have to talk about this, please let me in..."
She opened up the door
Cho reached over and unlatched the screen door. When Harry hurriedly entered and reached for her, she flinched at his touch and back away blindly, tears still falling off her cheeks.
and didn't want to come near me
Harry despaired. He knew this would happen. "Why me?" He thought again. "God-fucking-damn...Bloody hell why does shit always happen to me?"
I said 'One second, Baby…
Please hear me"
Harry walked towards Cho, his arms reaching out for her. "Please, Cho, I need you," he begged softly.
Cho backed away and curled up on the floor against the wall. Harry's heart bled to see her like this, he hadn't seen her this weak since his fifth year when she was still mourning Cedric Diggory. Cho wiped uselessly at her face and asked sadly, "How can you need me and still slip it to someone else and get her pregnant?"
The hurt in her voice pierced him; he wildly wished that she would sound angry- he would deserve it and he could take it better. Harry rushed forward and wrapped his arms around her slender frame. "Cho, I told you, please believe me, Lavender is still nothing to me...it was all a mistake, you're the most important thing in the world to me," he cried.
Cho put her small hand under his chin and lifted it so she could look him in the eye. "But she's having your baby," she said as a matter-of-factly. Harry winced. "No matter what your feelings are, you have responsibility for her."
Harry wiped Cho's tears that were pushing out of her eyes. "But Lavender knows how I feel, and she feels the same," he pleaded.
Cho looked away. "But you still had sex with her."
These are my confessions
Just when I thought I said all I can say
Harry heart plummeted. "But you're the one I love, I've told you everything...you knew I screwed up, Cho...please don't leave me, I can't live without you."
My chick on the side said she got one on the way
Cho's eyes were blank. "That was before we knew she was having your child, Harry."
These are my confessions
Man I'm throwed and I don't know what to do
Harry felt panic rising in his chest. "Cho...what are you saying?
Cho looked at him. Despite the hurt and betrayal, somehow, she had the strength to keep her composure. She felt numb, but she didn't care. "Harry, I love you," she whispered. "But I don't see how we can work this out."
I guess I gotta give you part 2 of my confessions
If I'm gonna tell it then I gotta tell it all
Damn near cried when I got that floo call
Harry hugged her tighter and sobbed, "No...Cho, please, I'll never lie to you again, that's everything...I screwed up, please, Cho...don't do this."
Cho gave a small sad smile. "But Harry," she said. "Harry, you did this."
I'm so throwed and I don't know what to do
But to give you part 2 of my confessions
Harry rested his head on her lap and she stroked his hair. "Cho," he said.
"Shh," she whispered, running her slender fingers through his unruly hair.
"I confess it all, Cho. I'll never betray you again."
"No, Harry, you won't." Cho pulled her ring off her finger and held it out to him. Harry stared at the ring with a glittering diamond surrounded by a heart of sapphires and rubies.
This by far is the hardest thing I think I've ever had to do
Harry felt fresh tears squeeze past his eyelids. He sat up and held her hands his own, closing her fist around the ring. His green eyes were filled with despair as he looked sadly at his love. "Cho, it was so hard for me to come here."
To tell you, the woman I love
"You are the only one I have and will ever love."
That I'm having a baby by a woman that I barely even know
"But I was a stupid bloke, and I screwed up. But I knew I had to tell you this myself this time, Cho." Harry spoke slowly, desperately clinging to his love even though he could sense her slipping away. "I had to tell you Lavender is going to have my baby."
I hope you can accept the fact that I'm man enough to tell you this
"But I'm telling you because I love you and I want you to hear it from me."
And hopefully you'll give me another chance
"I know I've messed up big, Cho. But can't you see how much I love you? I can't stand the thought of living without you, Cho." Tears were now flowing freely down his face. He took off his glasses because they were fogging up. His face was close to hers and he could see her lovely but pained face. He had put that pain there. "If I don't have you...it's like I don't have a heart." Tears poured from both pairs of eyes. "And I can't live without my heart to keep me going, and I can't live without you."
This ain't about my career
"I know I messed up...everyone thought I was perfect Harry Potter, The Boy Who Lived and Killed Voldemort." For once, Cho didn't flinch at the sound of his name. "I don't care if I become a nobody, I don't care if they take everything else from me."
This ain't about my life
"I wouldn't even care if I die, death is nowhere near as painful as losing you would be. I love you that much Cho, and infinitely more," Harry said solemnly.
It's about us
"I love US, I love you the way you love me. I can't stand the thought of us not being US, Cho...please." Harry closed his eyes as more tears flowed out.
Please
"Please," he whispered.
These are my confessions
Just when I thought I said all I can say
My chick on the side said she got one on the way
These are my confessions
Man I'm throwed and I don't know what to do
I guess I gotta give you part 2 of my confessions
If I'm gonna tell it then I gotta tell it all
Damn near cried when I got that phone call
I'm so throwed and I don't know what to do
But to give you part 2 of my confessions
Harry held onto Cho tightly, wanting never to let go. However, Cho gave a dry sob as she gently pulled her hands from his grasp. Harry felt his heart crack open as she continued to look at him sadly. "Cho, please, PLEASE, CHO!" Harry begged, sobbing uncontrollably and hugging her waist.
Cho did not stir from her position. "I love you so much, Harry." She looked down at him and he looked at her hopefully. The lead in his stomach churned painfully.
Harry clasped her hands again as she stood up. He kneeled on the floor, pleading, "Cho? I love you more than you can possible know, Oh, GOD, Cho, I love you so fucking much it hurts." Harry began to cry again. "Please don't say we're done, Cho, please." He opened her fist and placed the ring back on her finger. "I love you too much, Cho."
Cho stopped him and slipped the ring back off. However, she held onto it. "I don't know, Harry," she said softly. Strands of her black hair fell onto her face and she pushed them back slowly. "I just don't know."
Harry kissed her hand. "Please, Cho, we can make it work...I know we can. We're meant to be together. We have time...I'll wait forever for you, Cho."
Green and Brown met again. "I don't know, Harry."
"Forever, Cho. As long as you need. I will always love you."
('-')
Author's Last Notes: Well what did you think? Please let me know by clicking that Review Button!