"Tawny, go away right now." Ren whimpered from behind the door. Her voice
was nearly a whisper. "There's nothing you can do about this..."
"How about not, I know, and you unlocking the door?"
I continued to watch under the door as she shuffled around, and got up just enough to unlock it, then sat back in her place. I stood, and pushed it in only enough for me to squeeze in without mashing her behind it. I closed it, and relocked it, then for a few seconds I stood and looked down at her. She had again pulled her knees up to her chest, this time her face was buried in her arms, which rested on her legs, and she wasn't looking at me. I leaned back against the other side of the stall, across from her, and slid down to the base where I sat, and watched her.
I was tired of just watching. I really was. I wanted to do things, and not just watch, not just talk. I wanted to do something. "Ren...I..."
"You can't do anything to fix it and it won't be okay." She said forcefully, and without looking up.
"I know I can't fix it and I know it's not okay."
She peeked over her arms, "Why are you here then?"
"Because..." I tried to think of what I wanted to say, and I moved over and sat next to her. I folded my legs and sat with them to the side, facing her. One of my knees was barely touching her thigh. "Because I..." I was actually having difficultly with my words, "I want you to be happy, and I figured that if you talked about you'd feel better...or something like that."
She looked at me oddly, "What?"
"Happy. I want you to be happy." I said more surely this time.
"I don't know what that's like, Tawny..."
Now, I looked at her oddly. Fake happiness, just as I thought. "What?"
"Me, Ren, happy, it doesn't exist."
"What're you talking about? You always seem happy..."
"Seeming is a lot different than being. You seem like you hate everyone and everything sometimes, but you don't...not really."
She wasn't really happy, all this time. Her happiness was fake, and it was hiding something more than just her being unhappy. It had to be. Why was she unhappy though? "What's going on with you and Jason?"
"I don't know. I'm so...confused. I don't want to have sex with him...I knew he would want to one day, but...I don't know. Is it a bad thing that I don't want to?"
I shook my head.
"Tawny...I don't know what to do...I don't want us to break up. He's the only guy I've ever gone out with that...like...has lasted...that really seems to care, but I don't want to have sex with him..."
I sighed, "I really don't know what to say...about anything..." I actually did know several things to say, but I couldn't say them, not now. "Just...that if...you love him and he loves you...you two, you won't break up just because you're not ready to have sex with him."
"That's just it." She leaned her head back onto the wall and looked up.
"What is?" I asked, placing my hand on one of her hands that was resting on her knee.
"I don't know if I love him, and I don't understand why I don't want to have sex with him...I just...don't, but I don't want us to break up, and I don't know why I don't love him..."
"If you don't love him then why go out with him?"
"I don't know. Don't you get it? For once I'm confused, for once I don't know something. For once, Ren Stevens doesn't have an answer."
I began to rub her hand with mine, and moved a little closer to her, so that my leg was touching hers a little more, "Ren...I wanna know something..."
"What?"
"I don't want it to seem like I'm off topic or anything, but...I wanna know why you try so hard to be the best at everything, why you act happy when you're not, and why you're so upset just because you don't know something? What're you hiding?"
"Is this some part of your little...psychological thing where you try and figure out what goes on in peoples' heads or whatever?" She kind of glared at me, but had difficulty because she was crying.
"How would you know about that? Is it obvious or something?" I was momentarily afraid that I was more obvious than I always thought, and that other people could know about me. My mind quickly went back to her though.
"Well...no, but...I just...I know you're into that kind of thing."
Could she possibly pay more attention to me than I knew? "No, I'm not doing it because of that. I want to know because...because...I want to know about you."
"But why?"
"Because...you interest me...Now would you please just answer my questions? I'm not going to tell everyone or anything like that."
"Tawny...I know that...but..."
"Please."
"I don't think I was ever really happy, and I thought that being good at one thing would make me happy, but it didn't, so...I decided I wanted to be good at more things...and more things...but nothing made me really happy, or at least what I felt was really happy, and I have to act happy, so that no one knows and thinks I'm ungrateful for everything, and I don't like not knowing things, alright?"
"Ren..."
She sighed, and wiped her eyes with her hand that I wasn't holding onto, "I don't know what I want anymore...with anything..." She covered her eyes, "I'm confused about everything! That's what I'm hiding...that's the thing hiding behind everything. I'm confused...always, and not just right now. "
"Have you ever loved anybody?" I asked her, and took her hand down from her face with my other free hand, and held it.
"I don't know. I realized that I don't know anything...I might be the valedictorian, and president of everything at school, but I don't know anything...I never have...I've never known anything about anything that was important...that mattered..."
I didn't know what to say. I had no sarcastic remark or philosophical words, nothing logical, or illogical, no nothing. I couldn't say anything had I even had anything to say. I sat up a little higher on my knees, and let go of one of her hands at the same time, giving me a free hand that I put on her cheek. Slowly, I moved my face closer to hers. Our lips touched, lightly at first, and she didn't push me away. Her grip on my hand tightened. I began to gently nibble her bottom lip, and I felt her other hand on my leg. She started to grasp at the fabric of my dress, but not very hard. I kept kissing her, praying for the moment to never end, and loving the way her warm lips felt against mine.
I began to feel the tip of her tongue on my lips, but then I stopped, and I pulled myself away from her. Her eyes flicked back and forth, never stopping on me, and she pressed her lips together, and swallowed hard enough for me to notice it. I pulled my hands and my whole body away from her so that I wasn't touching her anymore at all. I looked down at the cream-colored tiles on the floor of the stall, "I don't think that helped with your confusion..."
"Tawny, don't do that again...don't do anything with me again. Maybe...maybe you should never talk to me again..." Her voice cracked as she tried to say the last part.
I turned my head to the side. I didn't want to look at her anymore. I knew this would happened. I'd ruined everything. All I could do was mumble, "I'm sorry..."
She sighed, but it was more of a whimper, and she started to sniffle like she was crying again. I still didn't look at her. I couldn't bear to look at her. I'd never have her, not even as a friend now, and I didn't want to look at her. Instead I moved to the far side of the stall again and I sat there, in the corner, motionless, trying to fight back my own tears. I reached up with one arm and was about to unlock the door so I could leave, but then Ren spoke again in a near whisper, "You...you made me think have a chance...don't do it ever again..."
"What?" I looked at her face. My vision was all blurry, but I was refusing to let any tears fall. I couldn't let her see that she hurt me. No one hurts me. Tawny doesn't get upset and cry.
She was the opposite of me. Though I couldn't see well, I could see that her makeup had run down her face in streaks, "You..."
"What are you talking about?" I said, more harshly than I had planned to in my head.
"You're the reason I'm never really...happy..." She clutched her knees with her arms.
Confused, I was, and again, I said, "What?"
"I wanted your attention...I always have...I half gave up after a while, but...I kept trying to be the best at everything because it gave me at least a little satisfaction...but...all I ever really wanted was you...I wanted to be better friends with you...everything...I wished you would spend more time with me when you came over with Louis...or when we practiced with the band...I tried to make you jealous with Bobby, and everybody else, but you never seemed to notice me very much...I...I..."
I cut her off, and I wanted to smile, but I couldn't. I don't know why. "All this time you liked me?" I wiped my eyes profusely with my palms, as the tears decided that they didn't want to go back in my eyes like I wanted them to, "Why...why didn't you say something?"
"Why do you think? Louis and you...everything..."
The flaw, I found it. I found what no one else could. Ren liked someone that she thought she shouldn't and thought she couldn't ever have. It's what confused her. I swallowed, and looked at her again. I was shaking in my corner of the stall from the mass of emotions I had pulsing through me. I didn't know how I should act, or what emotion to show. I always had problems with my own emotions, "I...I..." I stuttered, I couldn't seem to make my words come out, "I came over all the time just to see you...but...I thought you...and...and...oh my God...I never knew...I don't really know anything either..."
Ren put her hand on her forehead and held her loose hair back from her damp face, "All these years...I...I never thought you could like someone like me..."
"But I always did...I stayed friends with Louis so that I wouldn't lose you..."
"Why are we just not finding this out...in...in a bathroom stall of all places...and at prom?" She sobbed, and laid her head back down on her knees.
"How about not, I know, and you unlocking the door?"
I continued to watch under the door as she shuffled around, and got up just enough to unlock it, then sat back in her place. I stood, and pushed it in only enough for me to squeeze in without mashing her behind it. I closed it, and relocked it, then for a few seconds I stood and looked down at her. She had again pulled her knees up to her chest, this time her face was buried in her arms, which rested on her legs, and she wasn't looking at me. I leaned back against the other side of the stall, across from her, and slid down to the base where I sat, and watched her.
I was tired of just watching. I really was. I wanted to do things, and not just watch, not just talk. I wanted to do something. "Ren...I..."
"You can't do anything to fix it and it won't be okay." She said forcefully, and without looking up.
"I know I can't fix it and I know it's not okay."
She peeked over her arms, "Why are you here then?"
"Because..." I tried to think of what I wanted to say, and I moved over and sat next to her. I folded my legs and sat with them to the side, facing her. One of my knees was barely touching her thigh. "Because I..." I was actually having difficultly with my words, "I want you to be happy, and I figured that if you talked about you'd feel better...or something like that."
She looked at me oddly, "What?"
"Happy. I want you to be happy." I said more surely this time.
"I don't know what that's like, Tawny..."
Now, I looked at her oddly. Fake happiness, just as I thought. "What?"
"Me, Ren, happy, it doesn't exist."
"What're you talking about? You always seem happy..."
"Seeming is a lot different than being. You seem like you hate everyone and everything sometimes, but you don't...not really."
She wasn't really happy, all this time. Her happiness was fake, and it was hiding something more than just her being unhappy. It had to be. Why was she unhappy though? "What's going on with you and Jason?"
"I don't know. I'm so...confused. I don't want to have sex with him...I knew he would want to one day, but...I don't know. Is it a bad thing that I don't want to?"
I shook my head.
"Tawny...I don't know what to do...I don't want us to break up. He's the only guy I've ever gone out with that...like...has lasted...that really seems to care, but I don't want to have sex with him..."
I sighed, "I really don't know what to say...about anything..." I actually did know several things to say, but I couldn't say them, not now. "Just...that if...you love him and he loves you...you two, you won't break up just because you're not ready to have sex with him."
"That's just it." She leaned her head back onto the wall and looked up.
"What is?" I asked, placing my hand on one of her hands that was resting on her knee.
"I don't know if I love him, and I don't understand why I don't want to have sex with him...I just...don't, but I don't want us to break up, and I don't know why I don't love him..."
"If you don't love him then why go out with him?"
"I don't know. Don't you get it? For once I'm confused, for once I don't know something. For once, Ren Stevens doesn't have an answer."
I began to rub her hand with mine, and moved a little closer to her, so that my leg was touching hers a little more, "Ren...I wanna know something..."
"What?"
"I don't want it to seem like I'm off topic or anything, but...I wanna know why you try so hard to be the best at everything, why you act happy when you're not, and why you're so upset just because you don't know something? What're you hiding?"
"Is this some part of your little...psychological thing where you try and figure out what goes on in peoples' heads or whatever?" She kind of glared at me, but had difficulty because she was crying.
"How would you know about that? Is it obvious or something?" I was momentarily afraid that I was more obvious than I always thought, and that other people could know about me. My mind quickly went back to her though.
"Well...no, but...I just...I know you're into that kind of thing."
Could she possibly pay more attention to me than I knew? "No, I'm not doing it because of that. I want to know because...because...I want to know about you."
"But why?"
"Because...you interest me...Now would you please just answer my questions? I'm not going to tell everyone or anything like that."
"Tawny...I know that...but..."
"Please."
"I don't think I was ever really happy, and I thought that being good at one thing would make me happy, but it didn't, so...I decided I wanted to be good at more things...and more things...but nothing made me really happy, or at least what I felt was really happy, and I have to act happy, so that no one knows and thinks I'm ungrateful for everything, and I don't like not knowing things, alright?"
"Ren..."
She sighed, and wiped her eyes with her hand that I wasn't holding onto, "I don't know what I want anymore...with anything..." She covered her eyes, "I'm confused about everything! That's what I'm hiding...that's the thing hiding behind everything. I'm confused...always, and not just right now. "
"Have you ever loved anybody?" I asked her, and took her hand down from her face with my other free hand, and held it.
"I don't know. I realized that I don't know anything...I might be the valedictorian, and president of everything at school, but I don't know anything...I never have...I've never known anything about anything that was important...that mattered..."
I didn't know what to say. I had no sarcastic remark or philosophical words, nothing logical, or illogical, no nothing. I couldn't say anything had I even had anything to say. I sat up a little higher on my knees, and let go of one of her hands at the same time, giving me a free hand that I put on her cheek. Slowly, I moved my face closer to hers. Our lips touched, lightly at first, and she didn't push me away. Her grip on my hand tightened. I began to gently nibble her bottom lip, and I felt her other hand on my leg. She started to grasp at the fabric of my dress, but not very hard. I kept kissing her, praying for the moment to never end, and loving the way her warm lips felt against mine.
I began to feel the tip of her tongue on my lips, but then I stopped, and I pulled myself away from her. Her eyes flicked back and forth, never stopping on me, and she pressed her lips together, and swallowed hard enough for me to notice it. I pulled my hands and my whole body away from her so that I wasn't touching her anymore at all. I looked down at the cream-colored tiles on the floor of the stall, "I don't think that helped with your confusion..."
"Tawny, don't do that again...don't do anything with me again. Maybe...maybe you should never talk to me again..." Her voice cracked as she tried to say the last part.
I turned my head to the side. I didn't want to look at her anymore. I knew this would happened. I'd ruined everything. All I could do was mumble, "I'm sorry..."
She sighed, but it was more of a whimper, and she started to sniffle like she was crying again. I still didn't look at her. I couldn't bear to look at her. I'd never have her, not even as a friend now, and I didn't want to look at her. Instead I moved to the far side of the stall again and I sat there, in the corner, motionless, trying to fight back my own tears. I reached up with one arm and was about to unlock the door so I could leave, but then Ren spoke again in a near whisper, "You...you made me think have a chance...don't do it ever again..."
"What?" I looked at her face. My vision was all blurry, but I was refusing to let any tears fall. I couldn't let her see that she hurt me. No one hurts me. Tawny doesn't get upset and cry.
She was the opposite of me. Though I couldn't see well, I could see that her makeup had run down her face in streaks, "You..."
"What are you talking about?" I said, more harshly than I had planned to in my head.
"You're the reason I'm never really...happy..." She clutched her knees with her arms.
Confused, I was, and again, I said, "What?"
"I wanted your attention...I always have...I half gave up after a while, but...I kept trying to be the best at everything because it gave me at least a little satisfaction...but...all I ever really wanted was you...I wanted to be better friends with you...everything...I wished you would spend more time with me when you came over with Louis...or when we practiced with the band...I tried to make you jealous with Bobby, and everybody else, but you never seemed to notice me very much...I...I..."
I cut her off, and I wanted to smile, but I couldn't. I don't know why. "All this time you liked me?" I wiped my eyes profusely with my palms, as the tears decided that they didn't want to go back in my eyes like I wanted them to, "Why...why didn't you say something?"
"Why do you think? Louis and you...everything..."
The flaw, I found it. I found what no one else could. Ren liked someone that she thought she shouldn't and thought she couldn't ever have. It's what confused her. I swallowed, and looked at her again. I was shaking in my corner of the stall from the mass of emotions I had pulsing through me. I didn't know how I should act, or what emotion to show. I always had problems with my own emotions, "I...I..." I stuttered, I couldn't seem to make my words come out, "I came over all the time just to see you...but...I thought you...and...and...oh my God...I never knew...I don't really know anything either..."
Ren put her hand on her forehead and held her loose hair back from her damp face, "All these years...I...I never thought you could like someone like me..."
"But I always did...I stayed friends with Louis so that I wouldn't lose you..."
"Why are we just not finding this out...in...in a bathroom stall of all places...and at prom?" She sobbed, and laid her head back down on her knees.