I leaned my head back and rested it on the side of the stall behind me. The
tears dripped down the sides of my face, and I didn't know why. I felt like
I shouldn't be crying right now, and that I should be happy because this is
what I wanted. I didn't want it in a bathroom stall at prom, but it was
what I wanted still nonetheless. "Ren...I love you."
"This is too hard...it's always been too hard..."
I banged my head on the wall, for no reason, other than frustration with what was going on, "What are you talking about now? You're not making sense again..."
"Don't do that to your head...I...I could never tell you because it was too hard...and...I dated guys because...I was trying to find someone to make me stop liking you...because liking you was too hard...for me..."
"I don't understand." I lied, knowing exactly what she was getting at, and it was far worse than flat out rejection.
"You and me...we'd never work..." Her voice was muffled because her head was down still.
I wiped my eyes again. I wanted out of the stall, and away from her. "Ren...why wouldn't we?"
"Because..." She paused and there was silence for that moment, a disgusting, hateful, mocking silence, "Because I can't do it. There are a few things I can't do...and this is one of them like...the flag corps in middle school, and riding a bike...but people forget about those after a few years. I'm straight, Tawny. I always have been...people would-"
"Don't fucking tell me about what people would do. If all you care about is what people think about you, then you're not worth it...and...and I wasted my time..." I was hard for me to say that part, but the part I was about to say would be harder and I knew it. I didn't want to say it, not really, and I didn't mean it, but I said it anyway. At that moment I wanted to hurt her, I wanted her to feel bad, and I wanted her to be sorry for being shallow. She was shallow like almost everyone else, and it made me want to hate her, but I couldn't ever hate her. "Ren, I...I wish I'd never met you." I got up and unlocked the door. I figured this would happen. I really did. If for some reason she did like me, I knew she wouldn't be willing to act on it because of the other people. Damn the other people. If it weren't for other people, things would work out once in a while.
She didn't try to say anything to stop me from leaving, and I don't even think she moved. Of course she wouldn't come after me because she had to maintain her reputation, and her reputation didn't include running after the weird girl that seldom wore colors and went out with her little brother.
I glanced in the mirror, the bathroom was empty again. My eyeliner had left black tear streaks down my face from me crying. I stopped at a sink and washed them off, then stared at myself. My eyes were red. I had broken down and cried in front of someone, which I never did, and I got nothing for it. Crying was so worthless.
Taking a deep breath, I told myself to go back to Louis and be more cynical and sarcastic than ever. Screw my watching of people all the way up the ass. I had watched Ren closely for years and years, and never had a clue that she liked me. I thought I had her figured out, and I didn't. I knew she had a secret, but I never thought it had anything to do with me. She never slipped up, not even once. There was never a hint that she liked me. There was never even a hint that she cared to be my friend any more than she already was.
I looked myself over once more, and put on a nice "I could care less" expression to hide how overwhelmingly angry and sad I was inside. Anger and sadness go together, almost always. I was sad because I was angry and sad that Ren was shallow. I was angry because she was shallow, and angry for all of my wasted time. I wish she didn't like me. It would be so much easier if she didn't like me at all. Maybe that was what I wanted, her to not like me. Maybe I was only just wanted her because I could never have her. I still couldn't have her. Nothing was making sense anymore. I don't know anything. I'd never been this angry before in my life. It just figures that she would like me back, but wouldn't want to do anything about it. Life sucks. Shit doesn't work out for the better. I clinched my fists, and took a deep breath, trying to calm myself down before I went back out to be "social", to be like she wanted me to be.
"Tawny are you still in here?" Ren asked softly from the stall.
I ignored her, and I walked out. I went straight back for the ballroom, and looked at no one. It was dark, and they were still playing rap, which started doing a number on my head when I stepped back in the midst of the people that were gathered at the doors. I went back over to my table and sat.
Louis had found someone to dance with just like I thought he would, but I didn't feel like taking the time to figure out who it was. I saw Jason sitting at a table completely alone, just like myself. He looked toward me, knowing that I had followed Ren. I acted like I didn't see him, and began to scratch at my purse with my nails. Tom was nowhere around, and I didn't see Twitty or Allison.
I wasn't going to feel sorry for myself. I was better than that. I felt sorry for Jason because she didn't really love him. Fucking stupid people. Everyone. All people. I can't believe that people have ever questioned my spite for most people, and everything in general. If people were more accepting then Ren wouldn't have to worry about what they would think. If...always if....what if...if only...
"Hey Tawny."
I looked up. It was Louis. He was leaning on the table with one arm.
"I found a girl to dance with just like you said."
"Yay."
"Aren't you gonna say 'I told you so' or something?" He asked, a little surprised.
"I think what I said was good enough."
"Who got your underwear in a bunch?"
I rolled my eyes, "My underwear are always in a bunch."
"Tawny, get out there and dance, it'll cheer you up."
"I don't want to be cheered up."
He ran his hand through his hair. It was curly so it didn't work out very well. "C'mon Tawny. You know you wanna!"
"No, actually I want to break things...glass things, and then leave them on the dance floor for all the fucking morons to step on."
Louis blinked, and looked at me somewhat worried, "Wanna dance with me?"
"No. We're over. We had our little thing a few times, and I'm through. I don't like you like that." I felt like I was becoming redundant for saying that, but his head was thick.
"Um...well...maybe I should move all the glass stuff away from you then..."
"Maybe." I snapped.
Twitty came and sat down by Louis, grinning like a maniac, and thus distracting the both of us. "Did you go and talk to her?" He asked me, then turned to Louis before I could think of a sarcastic response to his terrible question, "Dude, this is so fun! I love being with Allison! She's so great! She went to get us some drinks. We needed a break before we slow dance again."
"Alright. I found a girl for me too. She's over there with her friends." He pointed to another table.
"Sweet!" They high-fived, while I watched on. Twitty then turned back to me, "So, Tawny, how'd it go?" He was still smiling.
"It went great Twitty because things have a way of working out for me."
"Oh cool. So where is she?" He looked around.
I rolled my eyes again. He was such an idiot sometimes, so stupid and oblivious. I wish I were like that once in a while. Maybe he was like that because he didn't want to see the truth about anything. I wondered about him.
"Man, I'm sorry..." He realized that it, indeed, did not work out. He wasn't completely stupid.
Why did I take everything out on everyone? People that didn't deserve it? I put a damper on everyone around me. I'd ruined Twitty's bliss. God, I felt bad now. Worse than I had when I got here. I not only hurt people that liked me, I hurt everyone. I put my forehead down on the table, and just sat there with my eyes open, staring at the white tablecloth, hoping not to cry. I couldn't let anyone see that I could be hurt by some stupid crush. People would know that I could be broken just like everyone else. I could never be like everyone else.
"Oh...there she is...just walked in..." Twitty stated.
"You sure that you don't want me to play some hateful prank on her?" Louis asked.
He was only trying to make me feel better. I shook my head. I couldn't let Ren see that she hurt me. I didn't want her pity. I didn't want anyone's fucking pity. I sat up, and glared, trying to act normal. The perfect girl had a bigger flaw than I thought; she was shallow, so fucking shallow. That wasn't the flaw I was looking for. I was glad I found it though. Now I could give up, and have a reason to.
I watched her. She sat down by Jason, and he held her hands as she talked. I glanced to the glass thing surrounding the candle in the middle of the table. I wanted to throw it against the wall and watch it shatter. I wanted to see all the sharp little pieces sparkle to the ground. It would be nice to make something physical shatter. I figured it would make me feel better to make something shatter and distract me from my shattered life.
If I could break down Ren's wall, the wall that made her shallow, everything would be okay. I wished I could break it, and make her not care what people thought, and make her care about being happy. Isn't that what's important? She's going off to college and never going to see most of these people again, why does she care what they think? If I could stop making stupid wishes, if I could kill all the stupid people, if I could have said something to her sooner. I always regret everything and wish I could do things that I know I can't.
Stupid me, always stupid me. I was always so pessimistic on the outside, but on the inside I was hopeful. Too hopeful. I don't know anything anymore. I don't know what I want, or what I wanted. I don't know what I saw in Ren, or in Louis. They could both make me smile, really smile.
I looked back at Ren, who was still talking to Jason, both of them looking rather upset. I was glad I couldn't hear them, for once. My empty glass was still on the table from earlier. I grabbed it, and held it tightly in both of my hands. I wanted to break it, then play with the pieces myself, instead of hurt other people with them.
"This is too hard...it's always been too hard..."
I banged my head on the wall, for no reason, other than frustration with what was going on, "What are you talking about now? You're not making sense again..."
"Don't do that to your head...I...I could never tell you because it was too hard...and...I dated guys because...I was trying to find someone to make me stop liking you...because liking you was too hard...for me..."
"I don't understand." I lied, knowing exactly what she was getting at, and it was far worse than flat out rejection.
"You and me...we'd never work..." Her voice was muffled because her head was down still.
I wiped my eyes again. I wanted out of the stall, and away from her. "Ren...why wouldn't we?"
"Because..." She paused and there was silence for that moment, a disgusting, hateful, mocking silence, "Because I can't do it. There are a few things I can't do...and this is one of them like...the flag corps in middle school, and riding a bike...but people forget about those after a few years. I'm straight, Tawny. I always have been...people would-"
"Don't fucking tell me about what people would do. If all you care about is what people think about you, then you're not worth it...and...and I wasted my time..." I was hard for me to say that part, but the part I was about to say would be harder and I knew it. I didn't want to say it, not really, and I didn't mean it, but I said it anyway. At that moment I wanted to hurt her, I wanted her to feel bad, and I wanted her to be sorry for being shallow. She was shallow like almost everyone else, and it made me want to hate her, but I couldn't ever hate her. "Ren, I...I wish I'd never met you." I got up and unlocked the door. I figured this would happen. I really did. If for some reason she did like me, I knew she wouldn't be willing to act on it because of the other people. Damn the other people. If it weren't for other people, things would work out once in a while.
She didn't try to say anything to stop me from leaving, and I don't even think she moved. Of course she wouldn't come after me because she had to maintain her reputation, and her reputation didn't include running after the weird girl that seldom wore colors and went out with her little brother.
I glanced in the mirror, the bathroom was empty again. My eyeliner had left black tear streaks down my face from me crying. I stopped at a sink and washed them off, then stared at myself. My eyes were red. I had broken down and cried in front of someone, which I never did, and I got nothing for it. Crying was so worthless.
Taking a deep breath, I told myself to go back to Louis and be more cynical and sarcastic than ever. Screw my watching of people all the way up the ass. I had watched Ren closely for years and years, and never had a clue that she liked me. I thought I had her figured out, and I didn't. I knew she had a secret, but I never thought it had anything to do with me. She never slipped up, not even once. There was never a hint that she liked me. There was never even a hint that she cared to be my friend any more than she already was.
I looked myself over once more, and put on a nice "I could care less" expression to hide how overwhelmingly angry and sad I was inside. Anger and sadness go together, almost always. I was sad because I was angry and sad that Ren was shallow. I was angry because she was shallow, and angry for all of my wasted time. I wish she didn't like me. It would be so much easier if she didn't like me at all. Maybe that was what I wanted, her to not like me. Maybe I was only just wanted her because I could never have her. I still couldn't have her. Nothing was making sense anymore. I don't know anything. I'd never been this angry before in my life. It just figures that she would like me back, but wouldn't want to do anything about it. Life sucks. Shit doesn't work out for the better. I clinched my fists, and took a deep breath, trying to calm myself down before I went back out to be "social", to be like she wanted me to be.
"Tawny are you still in here?" Ren asked softly from the stall.
I ignored her, and I walked out. I went straight back for the ballroom, and looked at no one. It was dark, and they were still playing rap, which started doing a number on my head when I stepped back in the midst of the people that were gathered at the doors. I went back over to my table and sat.
Louis had found someone to dance with just like I thought he would, but I didn't feel like taking the time to figure out who it was. I saw Jason sitting at a table completely alone, just like myself. He looked toward me, knowing that I had followed Ren. I acted like I didn't see him, and began to scratch at my purse with my nails. Tom was nowhere around, and I didn't see Twitty or Allison.
I wasn't going to feel sorry for myself. I was better than that. I felt sorry for Jason because she didn't really love him. Fucking stupid people. Everyone. All people. I can't believe that people have ever questioned my spite for most people, and everything in general. If people were more accepting then Ren wouldn't have to worry about what they would think. If...always if....what if...if only...
"Hey Tawny."
I looked up. It was Louis. He was leaning on the table with one arm.
"I found a girl to dance with just like you said."
"Yay."
"Aren't you gonna say 'I told you so' or something?" He asked, a little surprised.
"I think what I said was good enough."
"Who got your underwear in a bunch?"
I rolled my eyes, "My underwear are always in a bunch."
"Tawny, get out there and dance, it'll cheer you up."
"I don't want to be cheered up."
He ran his hand through his hair. It was curly so it didn't work out very well. "C'mon Tawny. You know you wanna!"
"No, actually I want to break things...glass things, and then leave them on the dance floor for all the fucking morons to step on."
Louis blinked, and looked at me somewhat worried, "Wanna dance with me?"
"No. We're over. We had our little thing a few times, and I'm through. I don't like you like that." I felt like I was becoming redundant for saying that, but his head was thick.
"Um...well...maybe I should move all the glass stuff away from you then..."
"Maybe." I snapped.
Twitty came and sat down by Louis, grinning like a maniac, and thus distracting the both of us. "Did you go and talk to her?" He asked me, then turned to Louis before I could think of a sarcastic response to his terrible question, "Dude, this is so fun! I love being with Allison! She's so great! She went to get us some drinks. We needed a break before we slow dance again."
"Alright. I found a girl for me too. She's over there with her friends." He pointed to another table.
"Sweet!" They high-fived, while I watched on. Twitty then turned back to me, "So, Tawny, how'd it go?" He was still smiling.
"It went great Twitty because things have a way of working out for me."
"Oh cool. So where is she?" He looked around.
I rolled my eyes again. He was such an idiot sometimes, so stupid and oblivious. I wish I were like that once in a while. Maybe he was like that because he didn't want to see the truth about anything. I wondered about him.
"Man, I'm sorry..." He realized that it, indeed, did not work out. He wasn't completely stupid.
Why did I take everything out on everyone? People that didn't deserve it? I put a damper on everyone around me. I'd ruined Twitty's bliss. God, I felt bad now. Worse than I had when I got here. I not only hurt people that liked me, I hurt everyone. I put my forehead down on the table, and just sat there with my eyes open, staring at the white tablecloth, hoping not to cry. I couldn't let anyone see that I could be hurt by some stupid crush. People would know that I could be broken just like everyone else. I could never be like everyone else.
"Oh...there she is...just walked in..." Twitty stated.
"You sure that you don't want me to play some hateful prank on her?" Louis asked.
He was only trying to make me feel better. I shook my head. I couldn't let Ren see that she hurt me. I didn't want her pity. I didn't want anyone's fucking pity. I sat up, and glared, trying to act normal. The perfect girl had a bigger flaw than I thought; she was shallow, so fucking shallow. That wasn't the flaw I was looking for. I was glad I found it though. Now I could give up, and have a reason to.
I watched her. She sat down by Jason, and he held her hands as she talked. I glanced to the glass thing surrounding the candle in the middle of the table. I wanted to throw it against the wall and watch it shatter. I wanted to see all the sharp little pieces sparkle to the ground. It would be nice to make something physical shatter. I figured it would make me feel better to make something shatter and distract me from my shattered life.
If I could break down Ren's wall, the wall that made her shallow, everything would be okay. I wished I could break it, and make her not care what people thought, and make her care about being happy. Isn't that what's important? She's going off to college and never going to see most of these people again, why does she care what they think? If I could stop making stupid wishes, if I could kill all the stupid people, if I could have said something to her sooner. I always regret everything and wish I could do things that I know I can't.
Stupid me, always stupid me. I was always so pessimistic on the outside, but on the inside I was hopeful. Too hopeful. I don't know anything anymore. I don't know what I want, or what I wanted. I don't know what I saw in Ren, or in Louis. They could both make me smile, really smile.
I looked back at Ren, who was still talking to Jason, both of them looking rather upset. I was glad I couldn't hear them, for once. My empty glass was still on the table from earlier. I grabbed it, and held it tightly in both of my hands. I wanted to break it, then play with the pieces myself, instead of hurt other people with them.