A/N: Thanks SO much again, you guys! I'm working on this a lot lately, as
you can tell. But I keep adding little twists and turns and wedges. Just
the angst that every story needs! Hehe. I love doing this. I'M IN COMPLETE
CONTROL! MOWAHAHA! YES! I own my own little unnoticed section of ER now,
and here it is. I am the director! And I can make ANYTHING happen.
(Including using all caps for emphasis because the italics never works on
this site.) Anyway, I'm back to normal now! Enjoy.
:*:*:*:*:*:*:
CHAPTER NINE
:*:*:*:*:*:*:
Carter rolled over to face the red numbers that stared him in the face for the third time. 7:14 was all it could tell him. Nothing more. He was hoping for maybe an eight in front of that fourteen, but no. It had been the longest week of his entire life, and an even longer morning that seemed to outdo the whole week by far. He had no reason to be awake this early. His shift started at nine. At about ten he would see Abby and finally get to hear her voice... hopefully. He wanted to hear her, wanted to see her. He yearned to finally speak with Abby. Of course, he would have to wait for about three more hours.
He decided there was nothing better to do than start the day off with some coffee. By the time he got to the cabinet where he kept the mugs that conveniently came with the apartment, he remembered that there was no coffee.
"Crap." That was all he could think of.
So he gave in to the idea of ice water. He pulled out a mug anyway (Cup, mug, it makes no difference.) and went to the refrigerator for a bottle of water. He shoved the one in the front away, realizing that he had opened it a week ago and rubbed it on his sweat-soaked face. The idea really was not that appealing. Carter reached to the back and grabbed a new bottle. He decided to use the mug just to at least look like he was having coffee, and figured it would add to the effect.
As Carter sat down on the couch, he noticed something on the white background of the mug. What he saw was a small bird depicted on the side with an even smaller blue caption underneath it, and brought the mug close to his eye level to read it. The identification caption for the odd-looking bird read "TUFTED TITMOUSE".
"Great," he said aloud. "I'm going to be hanging out with the busty bird." Carter figured he might as well make friends with this bird. "Hey claw- footed booby, my name's John, what's yours?"
Yes, it was definitely too early.
:*:*:*:*:*:*:
Carter had long ago decided to catch up on his sleep in the lounge. As though he had some kind of an internal clock, an alarm went off in his head. He immediately looked down at his watch. Ten o' clock exactly. He couldn't have been more accurate. He went to the ambulance bay, where he had seen Abby enter a few times to avoid the chaos of the admit desk.
He waited. He waited a little longer. And for a change of pace, he sat and waited. And waited a litter longer. Of course, he only waited for about two minutes. But every second is an eternity to the man waiting for the girl... who's ALWAYS late. Fashionably or not. He had to see her. Carter owed her two lives, a wound flushing, an apology, and a load of moral support. He was up to his soul in debt.
After about five minutes, Carter got a little ansi. He began to ponder about how psychotic he would seem, hammering Abby in the face with an apology for an ordeal that she probably had forgotten about already (but hopefully not, any conversation would do). After eight minutes, he got a little worried.
Just before Carter was on the brink of flipping his mind inside out to go look for Abby, he saw her walking in. The ambulance bay doors slid apart to let her through. Carter's face lit with a huge smile.
"Hey Abby!" he called, despite the fact that he was only about twenty feet away from her.
Abby only looked at him. Her expression was one of confusion and awe that Carter was talking to her. He knew by that look that she had in deed remembered.
"Abby," he started, running so fast that he nearly ran into her. He unconsciously put his hands on her shoulders. "Abby, before you walk any further..."
"Carter, what are you doing?" she interrupted, removing his hands from her shoulders.
"Just listen." He still had the smile across his face. "I just wanted to start by saying that about last week, I never meant to..."
She interrupted him again. "Look, Carter. I just got back from a wonderful vacation in a place where people don't randomly lash out at me. Now don't go bringing up things that make my time off seem pointless."
"But Abby, you..."
"Just let it go. You obviously felt you HAD to yell at me for trying to help you." She just kept going. Something was bothering her.
"But you don't understand, I..."
"No, really. I do. If you didn't want me there, you could've just asked me nicely. Do you know how something like that feels? Carter, do you know what it's like to have someone just blatantly turn you down when all you want to do is help?"
"Abby, please. Just listen..." his voice was getting louder, as if ten people were trying to object him at the same time.
"Why should I?" she asked, her voice only becoming tense, though remaining at the same volume. "I wanted you to listen. I've listened to your problems enough. I haven't been able to talk to anyone about MY problems. Must be nice! Do you know..."
Now Carter interrupted her in a raised voice. "No, Abby. Do you know how that felt for me?"
"No. And frankly, I don't want to." She was still clueless about the trauma that day.
Carter's smile had changed from one of pure relief to one of saddened confusion long ago. Now he stood in front of her, looking defeated, his front teeth showing prominently. Tears were welling in his eyes.
"You don't get it, do you?" he started, his voice extremely shaky. "Do you know how it feels to promise a person that you are going to help them, and you can't? Abby, I let a man down that day. He died of the exact same thing that I lived through. I knew how he felt. I wanted to help him, but I couldn't. He DIED, Abby. And at the time I was NOT in the mood. I wasn't okay with any of it, and I know no one else was. I just needed time to gather myself together, Abby. Do you know how THAT feels?" He had been holding back tears for a while now.
"How was I supposed to know?" she asked, her voice hinting that she was shocked.
"I was going to tell you. All you had to do was understand when I was trying to apologize. That's all I wanted."
"Carter, I'm sor..."
"No. Just leave it." Carter turned away from her before he felt like he was going to break down. He could not face her now. The twisted smile of frustration remained on his face. He rushed down the hall and turned right. In that corridor, he faced the wall. There, he crossed his arms and leaned on the wall, resting his head beneath them, his hands in fists. As he looked down, the tears finally fell.
"Now what?" he asked himself, sadness filling his voice.
:*:*:*:*:*:*:
"So it's true?" Lydia asked.
"Yea," Chuny said. "But please, don't tell ANYONE! I wasn't even supposed to tell you."
"All right," Lydia lied.
"Thanks."
Lydia watched Chuny very carefully as she rounded the corner. "Now to find Jing-Mei and Mark!" she said, manipulating her smile into the twisted grin that secret-keepers get. And, just to her luck, there they came, walking down the hall. "Yes!" she said under her breath. 'And the truth,' she thought, 'shall set you free!'
:*:*:*:*:*:*:
Carter sat alone in the locker room with no illumination. He was determined to relax after the stress of the morning. He was now entirely exhausted, for he had barely slept for the past week. Carter desperately needed sleep... and that locker door was looking pretty inviting again.
"No," he told himself, much like a master tells his dog.
Carter lay down on the bench he was seated on while he stared at his locker door, debating whether or not slamming his head into it was worth it. It wasn't very comfortable, having to balance himself the entire time. No sooner did he close his eyes when there was a nearly mute click at the door. He listened to the padding of footsteps as they quietly made their way to a locker close by. He squinted to see, then relaxed again.
"Hi, Deb," He said after a long while.
"Carter! You scared the living daylights out of me," she scolded. She had jumped nearly into her locker at the sudden sound of his voice. This made Carter laugh.
"Sorry Deb, but I couldn't resist!" he admitted, fighting back laughter.
"Yea, that's not the only thing you can't resist," she whispered under her breath. Surely no normal person would have heard that. But Carter isn't normal.
"Like what else?" Carter asked in reply to her comment.
'Crap,' she thought. "What?" was all she could say.
"What can't I resist? Huh? Huh? What?" he prodded childishly.
"What? I didn't say anything."
At this, Carter got up from his wooden bed and put an arm around Jing-Mei's shoulder. "I heard it. Now tell me," he whispered in her ear.
"Well... all right. I guess it's about time I've told you. But you can't tell... oh wait, never mind. Anyway, apparently you told Mark that you loved Abby in your sleep..."
"Oh DID I?" he asked in sarcastic interest.
"... but you told Chuny the truth! You weren't sleeping! You little..."
Carter gasped melodramatically. "No!" He was coating every word with sarcasm and soapy drama now.
"So it's true."
"Yes."
"Have you told her?"
"No."
"Damn you."
"Oh thanks. But unfortunately for me, and for your gossip chain, I don't think she ever wants to come within ten feet of me any more."
Jing-Mei's expression switched to a sort of terror. "Oh no. No! You're kidding! John Carter, please tell me you're joking."
"I'm not," Carter said, his gaze focusing on the ground.
Jing-Mei had no advice, and Carter could tell. He understood. Even if she would have had any advice she would have been too speechless to tell him. She only hugged Carter for admitting the truth and for good luck, then left the room, leaving him with nothing but a confused expression.
:*:*:*:*:*:*:
"I don't think Dr. Carter wants to come within ten feet of me anymore. I think he has some kind of a thing against me."
"What makes you think that, Abby?" Elizabeth asked. It was female-talk time now.
"He keeps yelling at me and we keep fighting over different things that happen in the ER, so I think he's just got something against me," Abby said.
"He just a bit shaken. I mean, what with the trauma last week and all," Elizabeth explained.
"Yea, but he yelled at me that day. And I didn't know about what happened in that room until today!"
Elizabeth looked astonished. "You didn't? Oh. Wow. I never knew that. He yelled at you?"
"I guess he didn't know that either. And yes, he yelled at me. Of course, now it's a little too late to understand why. It's kind of a shame, too."
"Really? Why is that?" she inquired.
"Oh, I don't know. It's just that, well... I never really noticed it until a few days ago, but I was really getting to like Carter. You have to admit, he is one of the nicest guys here. Cute, too. But he just seems to have something against me, you know?" She sighed. "I just really wanted to get to know him."
Elizabeth knew all the stories now. She knew the truth, that Carter loved Abby. But Abby was too out of the loop to notice. She wanted to tell Abby. The truth was screaming insider her, but her mouth was frozen while her mind ran wild. She was searching for just how to tell her, but found it strange that as a woman she couldn't tell another woman something so simple. She wasn't even sure if she should tell. That WAS Carter's job, but it was too late. Abby was already leaving the room. All Elizabeth could do was smile in pure happiness.
:*:*:*:*:*:*:
CHAPTER NINE
:*:*:*:*:*:*:
Carter rolled over to face the red numbers that stared him in the face for the third time. 7:14 was all it could tell him. Nothing more. He was hoping for maybe an eight in front of that fourteen, but no. It had been the longest week of his entire life, and an even longer morning that seemed to outdo the whole week by far. He had no reason to be awake this early. His shift started at nine. At about ten he would see Abby and finally get to hear her voice... hopefully. He wanted to hear her, wanted to see her. He yearned to finally speak with Abby. Of course, he would have to wait for about three more hours.
He decided there was nothing better to do than start the day off with some coffee. By the time he got to the cabinet where he kept the mugs that conveniently came with the apartment, he remembered that there was no coffee.
"Crap." That was all he could think of.
So he gave in to the idea of ice water. He pulled out a mug anyway (Cup, mug, it makes no difference.) and went to the refrigerator for a bottle of water. He shoved the one in the front away, realizing that he had opened it a week ago and rubbed it on his sweat-soaked face. The idea really was not that appealing. Carter reached to the back and grabbed a new bottle. He decided to use the mug just to at least look like he was having coffee, and figured it would add to the effect.
As Carter sat down on the couch, he noticed something on the white background of the mug. What he saw was a small bird depicted on the side with an even smaller blue caption underneath it, and brought the mug close to his eye level to read it. The identification caption for the odd-looking bird read "TUFTED TITMOUSE".
"Great," he said aloud. "I'm going to be hanging out with the busty bird." Carter figured he might as well make friends with this bird. "Hey claw- footed booby, my name's John, what's yours?"
Yes, it was definitely too early.
:*:*:*:*:*:*:
Carter had long ago decided to catch up on his sleep in the lounge. As though he had some kind of an internal clock, an alarm went off in his head. He immediately looked down at his watch. Ten o' clock exactly. He couldn't have been more accurate. He went to the ambulance bay, where he had seen Abby enter a few times to avoid the chaos of the admit desk.
He waited. He waited a little longer. And for a change of pace, he sat and waited. And waited a litter longer. Of course, he only waited for about two minutes. But every second is an eternity to the man waiting for the girl... who's ALWAYS late. Fashionably or not. He had to see her. Carter owed her two lives, a wound flushing, an apology, and a load of moral support. He was up to his soul in debt.
After about five minutes, Carter got a little ansi. He began to ponder about how psychotic he would seem, hammering Abby in the face with an apology for an ordeal that she probably had forgotten about already (but hopefully not, any conversation would do). After eight minutes, he got a little worried.
Just before Carter was on the brink of flipping his mind inside out to go look for Abby, he saw her walking in. The ambulance bay doors slid apart to let her through. Carter's face lit with a huge smile.
"Hey Abby!" he called, despite the fact that he was only about twenty feet away from her.
Abby only looked at him. Her expression was one of confusion and awe that Carter was talking to her. He knew by that look that she had in deed remembered.
"Abby," he started, running so fast that he nearly ran into her. He unconsciously put his hands on her shoulders. "Abby, before you walk any further..."
"Carter, what are you doing?" she interrupted, removing his hands from her shoulders.
"Just listen." He still had the smile across his face. "I just wanted to start by saying that about last week, I never meant to..."
She interrupted him again. "Look, Carter. I just got back from a wonderful vacation in a place where people don't randomly lash out at me. Now don't go bringing up things that make my time off seem pointless."
"But Abby, you..."
"Just let it go. You obviously felt you HAD to yell at me for trying to help you." She just kept going. Something was bothering her.
"But you don't understand, I..."
"No, really. I do. If you didn't want me there, you could've just asked me nicely. Do you know how something like that feels? Carter, do you know what it's like to have someone just blatantly turn you down when all you want to do is help?"
"Abby, please. Just listen..." his voice was getting louder, as if ten people were trying to object him at the same time.
"Why should I?" she asked, her voice only becoming tense, though remaining at the same volume. "I wanted you to listen. I've listened to your problems enough. I haven't been able to talk to anyone about MY problems. Must be nice! Do you know..."
Now Carter interrupted her in a raised voice. "No, Abby. Do you know how that felt for me?"
"No. And frankly, I don't want to." She was still clueless about the trauma that day.
Carter's smile had changed from one of pure relief to one of saddened confusion long ago. Now he stood in front of her, looking defeated, his front teeth showing prominently. Tears were welling in his eyes.
"You don't get it, do you?" he started, his voice extremely shaky. "Do you know how it feels to promise a person that you are going to help them, and you can't? Abby, I let a man down that day. He died of the exact same thing that I lived through. I knew how he felt. I wanted to help him, but I couldn't. He DIED, Abby. And at the time I was NOT in the mood. I wasn't okay with any of it, and I know no one else was. I just needed time to gather myself together, Abby. Do you know how THAT feels?" He had been holding back tears for a while now.
"How was I supposed to know?" she asked, her voice hinting that she was shocked.
"I was going to tell you. All you had to do was understand when I was trying to apologize. That's all I wanted."
"Carter, I'm sor..."
"No. Just leave it." Carter turned away from her before he felt like he was going to break down. He could not face her now. The twisted smile of frustration remained on his face. He rushed down the hall and turned right. In that corridor, he faced the wall. There, he crossed his arms and leaned on the wall, resting his head beneath them, his hands in fists. As he looked down, the tears finally fell.
"Now what?" he asked himself, sadness filling his voice.
:*:*:*:*:*:*:
"So it's true?" Lydia asked.
"Yea," Chuny said. "But please, don't tell ANYONE! I wasn't even supposed to tell you."
"All right," Lydia lied.
"Thanks."
Lydia watched Chuny very carefully as she rounded the corner. "Now to find Jing-Mei and Mark!" she said, manipulating her smile into the twisted grin that secret-keepers get. And, just to her luck, there they came, walking down the hall. "Yes!" she said under her breath. 'And the truth,' she thought, 'shall set you free!'
:*:*:*:*:*:*:
Carter sat alone in the locker room with no illumination. He was determined to relax after the stress of the morning. He was now entirely exhausted, for he had barely slept for the past week. Carter desperately needed sleep... and that locker door was looking pretty inviting again.
"No," he told himself, much like a master tells his dog.
Carter lay down on the bench he was seated on while he stared at his locker door, debating whether or not slamming his head into it was worth it. It wasn't very comfortable, having to balance himself the entire time. No sooner did he close his eyes when there was a nearly mute click at the door. He listened to the padding of footsteps as they quietly made their way to a locker close by. He squinted to see, then relaxed again.
"Hi, Deb," He said after a long while.
"Carter! You scared the living daylights out of me," she scolded. She had jumped nearly into her locker at the sudden sound of his voice. This made Carter laugh.
"Sorry Deb, but I couldn't resist!" he admitted, fighting back laughter.
"Yea, that's not the only thing you can't resist," she whispered under her breath. Surely no normal person would have heard that. But Carter isn't normal.
"Like what else?" Carter asked in reply to her comment.
'Crap,' she thought. "What?" was all she could say.
"What can't I resist? Huh? Huh? What?" he prodded childishly.
"What? I didn't say anything."
At this, Carter got up from his wooden bed and put an arm around Jing-Mei's shoulder. "I heard it. Now tell me," he whispered in her ear.
"Well... all right. I guess it's about time I've told you. But you can't tell... oh wait, never mind. Anyway, apparently you told Mark that you loved Abby in your sleep..."
"Oh DID I?" he asked in sarcastic interest.
"... but you told Chuny the truth! You weren't sleeping! You little..."
Carter gasped melodramatically. "No!" He was coating every word with sarcasm and soapy drama now.
"So it's true."
"Yes."
"Have you told her?"
"No."
"Damn you."
"Oh thanks. But unfortunately for me, and for your gossip chain, I don't think she ever wants to come within ten feet of me any more."
Jing-Mei's expression switched to a sort of terror. "Oh no. No! You're kidding! John Carter, please tell me you're joking."
"I'm not," Carter said, his gaze focusing on the ground.
Jing-Mei had no advice, and Carter could tell. He understood. Even if she would have had any advice she would have been too speechless to tell him. She only hugged Carter for admitting the truth and for good luck, then left the room, leaving him with nothing but a confused expression.
:*:*:*:*:*:*:
"I don't think Dr. Carter wants to come within ten feet of me anymore. I think he has some kind of a thing against me."
"What makes you think that, Abby?" Elizabeth asked. It was female-talk time now.
"He keeps yelling at me and we keep fighting over different things that happen in the ER, so I think he's just got something against me," Abby said.
"He just a bit shaken. I mean, what with the trauma last week and all," Elizabeth explained.
"Yea, but he yelled at me that day. And I didn't know about what happened in that room until today!"
Elizabeth looked astonished. "You didn't? Oh. Wow. I never knew that. He yelled at you?"
"I guess he didn't know that either. And yes, he yelled at me. Of course, now it's a little too late to understand why. It's kind of a shame, too."
"Really? Why is that?" she inquired.
"Oh, I don't know. It's just that, well... I never really noticed it until a few days ago, but I was really getting to like Carter. You have to admit, he is one of the nicest guys here. Cute, too. But he just seems to have something against me, you know?" She sighed. "I just really wanted to get to know him."
Elizabeth knew all the stories now. She knew the truth, that Carter loved Abby. But Abby was too out of the loop to notice. She wanted to tell Abby. The truth was screaming insider her, but her mouth was frozen while her mind ran wild. She was searching for just how to tell her, but found it strange that as a woman she couldn't tell another woman something so simple. She wasn't even sure if she should tell. That WAS Carter's job, but it was too late. Abby was already leaving the room. All Elizabeth could do was smile in pure happiness.