Ch. 3
Sorting.
Seryna, Lyna and Mary Sue entered the great hall. Mary Sue was glad the Lyna and Seryna had finally decided to shut up. After a few minutes, she wished that they would tell her what was going on, but they looked too nervous to be asked. Suddenly, a large voice started speaking. Mary Sue rubbed her eyes as she realized it was a hat in the middle of the room that was talking. She was shocked to see that no one else was perturbed by this.
"For the past million years, I have spun lengthy poems before sorting. This year, however, I took a course in Asian poetry, so instead I have opted to make four haikus about the different houses. I hope you like the change.
Hero Gryffindor
Red yellow lion with brave
Strong ability
Cunning Slytherin
Green Silver serpents with dark
And loving friendships.
Bookwarm Ravenclaw
Color blue I think. Smarter
Than teachers combined
Loser Hufflepuff
No need for colors. Just work
To keep up. Please die.
Then everyone started cheering, except for Hufflepuffs, who started planning their revenge. "I can't believe they're still harking on us for that retard like nine years ago. We can't help it if his parents made a donation," exclaimed a boy from Hufflepuff. Unfortunately he was preaching to the choir. The other houses didn't hear him. So began the sorting. Apely, Euluke," called the tall old, scary lady at the front. A timid girl stepped forward and was sorted into Ravenclaw. "Coholic, Al," and so forth. "Jizavore, Seryna," called the teacher. Seryna Stepped forward as the entire school turned to look at her. "Slytherin!" proclaimed the hat when she put it on her head. Slytherins cheered, and as she approached the table, several of the boys got wide-eyed and started mumbling her name. "Lorna, Lyna M." The hat pondered on her head for a moment, and then said "crap." He then pondered some more. "She can't be sorted!" he declared. "She's too intelligent and wormy for all the houses. I suggest she just live in the library." The entire school stared at her in shock. Lyna started to cry. This was really embarrassing. She knew that her imaginary boyfriend would laugh at her. Prof. McGonagall yelled at the hat to sort her or else. "Fine, put her in Hufflepuff, just to make them happy." The jaws of Hufflepuffs dropped out this, and the only one who said anything was the retard that yelled "TIMMY!" Four hours later, they finally got to "Snape, Mary Sue." Again the entire school stopped what they were chatting about (Oh my god, Tim Curry is sooooo hot.) and turned to see the person who shared the same name and presumably family background as the esteemed Potions master. Hermione Granger glanced at Prof. Snape to see how he was reacting. He saw her glance and said, "Bitch, please." "
"Hufflepuff," declared the hat. Mary Sue went to sit at the Hufflepuff table. "Maybe this is some sort of vocational school for magicians," thought Mary Sue as the other Hufflepuffs introduced themselves. The old man in the center of the table made a big speech about not going into the forbidden forest, and then suddenly, there was food on the plates in front of Mary Sue. Mary Sue usually didn't like to eat food that could appear if by magic, as she had had some bad experiences with McDonalds, but she was so hungry she didn't care, and the food was actually quite tasty, for English cooking. Seryna didn't touch anything. She declared that she wasn't hungry, and besides, she didn't eat food. It was too fattening.
That night, Seryna came to the Hufflepuff common room because she wanted all the Slytherins to think she was popular. "My friends from the train said they missed me so much, I have to visit them," she told her wide-eyed zombie boys. "They are soooo distraught that they didn't get into Slytherin with me. They're going to go talk to Dumbledore and see if they can get transferred. I'm sure he can fix it up in a jiffy, right?" The boys nodded their heads. Two shy girls agreed with her that off course it could be fixed. Pansy and Draco rolled their eyes and went to the library to start studying for important sixth years tests like C.A.T.S and R.A.T.S. and E.L.E.P.H.A.N.T.S. But as Draco was sitting in the library he couldn't help but think back on her strange eyes, her soft flowing hair, her really big boobies. In Mary Sue's bedroom, Mary Sue listened to Seryna go on and on about how wonderful Slytherin is and how she should try to get transferred from Hufflepuff. "Oh what's this it's so pretty!" she picked up the little box and opened it. Instantly an evil looking man with red eyes jumped out and started screaming. Seryna jumped onto the nearest chair, and screamed shrilly. Lyna casually looked up at the crisis, and yelled at Mary Sue to "DO SOMETHING WITH YOUR WAND!" "You mean the stick my grandmother gave me?" asked Mary Sue, as she picked up the long wooden wand. "YES, your wand, cast a spell or a jinx or something, hurry!" "You want me to do something with this stick? Like poke it? "Yes, Mary Sue, POKE IT WITH THE STICK!" Mary Sue started chasing the little screaming man in crouched position, finally cornering him under the bed, and with a few testy jabs, FOOOOOOOM! The man exploded. Mary Sue stood up, unaware that she had gotten black soot all over her face, and her hair, which was pushed back from her face by the explosion. "Well, I poked it with the stick. Was it supposed to explode?" Lyna sighed with exasperation. The prefect popped in, saw the mess, and without even asking, flicked her wand and said "No-more-burn-io!" and Mary Sue's hair and face were back to normal, as well as the bed curtains. "Practice your spells in the padded rooms down stairs please," instructed the prefect, and she took off.
Meanwhile, in the Gryffindor common room, Hermione was once again surrounded by many books. Harry Potter came in with more books. "I found it!" proclaimed Hermione. She waved her wand at Ron, who was sitting across from her with his head tilted strangely and his eyes unfocused, and said "Margaret Thatcher on a Cold day-io," and Ron suddenly became conscious again. "Oh Thank God!" yelled Hermione, and she went to give Ron a hug, and then stopped, and then shook his hand. "Thanks Hermione, It's so nice to think about things that are not Seryna," said Ron. "Things like the big magic history paper due tomorrow? And the potions review test?" asked Harry, who was starting to panic about the two assignments because he was always behind on his homework. "No, actually I was thinking about thinking about . . ." Ron was interrupted by Hermione, who said "Let's start with the recent troll wars shall we? Now in 2000 Bush stole the American election." Harry and Ron both said "Seryna" at the same time, and tried to fake a dozed off state. "Stop it, you two, this is important!" said Hermione. "I'm not going to write your papers this time, I'm not!" Harry looked at her pleadingly. "I'm so busy angsting, please please please? I had to go do quidditch practice for ten hours in the rain, please please please?" "Okay, fine, here's a copy of my bibliography. It has the pages listed from the books that I used. I only used seven books. The books are on the table. So you look in the books for the information, and then you use the information to write the paper. Does that sound to complicated for you?" "Please please please write it for me?" "Not unlike a library resource center I just saved you five hours by telling you where to look. You only have to read 21 pages and summarize them into a two-page paper. Why is this so impossible? If you hadn't spent so much time whining about it and actually started on it you'd probably be finished by now. (Hint to students everywhere: Hermione has a point.) "Look, Harry, we will work on the paper together," said Ron. He looked up at Hermione. She gave him a big smile. He awkwardly smiled back.
Ch. 4. first day of class
We learn that Magicians and wizards and witches are different. We learn that sticks and wands are different. We learn how to make explosive chili We find out what exactly it is that Seryna eats.