The next morning, Mary Sue woke up, put on her uniform, and walked down to
breakfast. Lyna was already there, hunched over another large book. Mary
Sue took a seat next to her and took a bowl and a plate, and had some yummy
oatmeal and strawberries and coffee. Suddenly a large flock of owls flew
in, carrying packages and letters to be dropped on students. Some of the
students weren't so good at catching, and one large package landed on
Lyna's head. Mary Sue dived under the table for cover. "First years"
muttered one Hufflepuff boy, as he opened up a letter. Mary Sue sat back
down in her seat, to find a letter from her parents slowly sinking into her
oatmeal. She opened it.
Dear Mary Sue,
We hope you had fun in London, and are enjoying your first day at school. Your father and I know you will grow up to be an excellent witch. Please write us back and tell us what house you were sorted into, classes you are taking, friends you are making, etc. -L. PS. Rafting was wonderful, wish you could have been with us!
"Yeah, you know, I wanted to go rafting, too," thought Mary Sue. "When and where and what are my classes, Lyna?" she asked.
"We have charms and then we have potions, then history of Magic."
"Oh goody, Houdini."
"No."
"No? Houdini was a magician."
Lyna put down her book, pushed up her glasses, and said "Do you really think that we will be taking classes everyday for the next seven years on Houdini?"
"Some of those tricks are complicated."
"If you don't get it into your head that this is a school for wizarding and witchcraft, not show parlor slight of hand, you will have real trouble come finals time." "Wait, I'm confused. Wizarding?"
"Wizardcraft."
"No, Lyna, that's not a word."
"It's what Wizards do."
"Wizards practice magic."
"Oh and Witches don't?"
It was at that point that Draco Malfoy passed by the table and commented to Pansy, "I thought that perhaps putting Prof. Snape's daughter into Hufflepuff was a mistake, but I guess the hat was right."
Mary Sue got a little temperamental. "I'm not related to Prof. Snape!" she yelled. "And I can't believe you people are so obsessed with the ramblings of a stupid hat who can't even write a good Haiku."
"Drink your coffee, Mary Sue, before you boil it with your head," instructed Lyna. Draco and Pansy laughed as they walked out the door. "She sure told you!" said Pansy sarcastically.
"Come one Mary Sue, let's go to charms." So they went to the charms classroom, where everyone pulled out their sticks, "WANDS, Mary Sue, it's called a wand. Why didn't you bring yours?" said the professor, so Mary Sue had to run back to her room and get her wand, return and lo and behold, people were making their feathers levitate with their sticks. "Wand, Mary sue, lest I beat you with it," said Lyna. Every one, except, of course, Seryna, who was sucking suggestive at the end of her hand and staring at the hufflepuff across the classroom. "TIMMY!" yelled the Hufflepuff. The teacher ignored him.
So Mary Sue gave it a shot. "Lift-o-feather-io!" she said. Nothing happened. She watched Lyna do a few times, and Lyna gave her a play by play of the simple procedure. Then Mary Sue tried again. Still nothing. "Perhaps it's because I have a stick and everybody else has a wand," said Mary Sue.
"It's a wand, Mary Sue, they are all wands. Yours is a wand, mine is a wand, the teacher's is a wand, Seryna's is wand, even Timmy's is a wand. They are all wands."
"But mine won't work."
"Here." Lyna took Mary Sue's wand, swished it a few times, and sparks came out. "Sometimes with the cheaper ones you have to turn them on first."
"Okay." Mary Sue tried again. "Lift-o-feather-io!" the feather started to burn. Mary Sue quickly pounded it out with her fist.
"Did the wand work in the store? What's the core made from?" asked Lyna.
"I don't know, my grandmother got this for me. I didn't even know this stick could . . that wands did . . . you know."
"Let me see it again." Lyna took a close look at the bottom, the tip, the wood, and said "It looks fairly new, so it's not your grandma's old one. It says here "Faullivanders" made it. I don't know where that is."
"Where's yours from?"
"Ollivander's, that's were everybody usually gets their wand. Maybe Faullivanders is in America."
"Maybe."
"Try again, maybe you need more a poking movement like last night when we killed the little guy."
Mary Sue tried again, "Lift-o-feather-io!" with a swished jab upward. KABLOOIEE! The feather exploded.
"Okay, that's enough for today!" proclaimed the charms professor. Mary Sue wiped the soot from her face with a handkerchief and they headed off for the next class. The dreaded Prof. Snape held potions deep in the basement. It was a well- known fact he didn't like first-years and was very strict. "But some people think he's really hot!" went on Seryna in the never ending commentary that was her existence. "I'm so glad we can be a potion group together! It's going to be so much fun! Hey look, it's Ron the prefect!" Mary Sue stopped when she suddenly saw the beautiful brown eyes and charming red hair of Ron Weasely, as he and other six-years were just coming out of the potions lab. However, when Seryna ran up to him to talk, he suddenly went blank eyed again and mumbled her name, followed by "Gorgeous . . . captivating. . ."
"Oh drat, not again!" said Hermione, "Harry, we have to find a spell that will block the zombiefication!"
"I think we should try Sporks."
"Harry, that's too violent. Think of all the things we could use this spell for if we could harness it."
"You're just jealous."
"Of what?"
"Nobody," replied Harry, and they walked off to their next class, while dragging Ron, who muttered "Must ask her out on date . . . ."
"First years!" announced Snape, "Please take a seat and put away your wands."
"Not sticks," whispered Mary Sue to Lyna. Lyna smiled.
"And no talking! I will not tolerate talking in class. First, I want you all to know that magic and potions are no different from math and science. You must study seriously, and you must put forth effort in order to pass this class. However, I want to encourage you as well. There's not one person here who couldn't pass this class, save Timmy who has never passed this class. You may struggle at times to figure out the answers, but they are always right in front of your nose. Does anyone know the secret to finding the answers?"
Lyna raised her hand. Snape nodded.
"Could it be looking past your nose?" The class sat in stunned silence. Mary Sue smiled. She had an English teacher who said the same thing with the same sarcasm. She could see, as Snape replied "Yes, that is correct," that he found the joke amusing too. She also guessed that that might be the one and only joke she would ever hear in class. "There's a college graduate in every group," said Snape with a hint of sarcasm. "Yes, I have a degree in music history and in biogenetics," continued Lyna. "Shut up," said Snape. Then he sighed. He went back to his desk, put his feet up, and picked up the newspaper. "Your assignment is on the board. Today we will be making Chili. The ingredients are in the cupboard, please try to keep it clean." Lyna raised her hand. "There's always one first year that has to know why," said Snape, as he scanned the front page. "For the first week I'm going to ease you into this process of following directions and learning, I have learned from past experience that it is helpful to not dive into complex concepts. Today I want to practice procedural processes and tomorrow we will cover some basic chemistry. On Wednesday, baring any setbacks, we will begin to use magic in the lab. From that point on, things will speed up quickly, so I suggest you enjoy this slow period before I start assigning the pre- and post-labs. Now get started on the cooking, the chili has to simmer for quite some time. Oh and there's a syllabus on my desk, you can pick them up when you're finished. The students picked up the ingredients and got to work on making the chili. It was actually a very good recipe, and Mary Sue enjoyed making it. Snape visited each table, and tasted and commented on each chili. A few of Slytherins had problems, however, when they tried to use magic to hurry up the process. The chili turned a sickening green, and the stench filled the lab. Snape rolled his eyes, cleared the chili away with a spell, and gave them a failing grade. "I put a spell on the recipe, so that it would spoil if any of you tried to use magic. It's a spell from an anti-cheating book that just came out and as you can see I've already found it quite effective. So I will probably be using spells like it in the future, just to give you fair warning." "He doesn't trust us at all!" said Seryna in a high voice. Her Chili looked watery. Mary Sue's was giving off a delightful odor of tomatoes and beans, which pleased her greatly. Lyna's however, was super chili, and perfect in everyway. "A plus for the pretentious college graduate," said Snape with a sneer. He didn't like to have to give out perfect grades. He felt it encouraged grade inflation. He tasted Mary Sue's, and gave an honest nod. "Should I add more chili powder to taste?" she asked. She thought it wasn't hot enough. "No," he replied. "The heat will come out as it simmers. All you have to do is follow the last instruction on the board, and I will give you a perfect score for this, since you followed directions so well. Do not however, think this means you can slack off. The procedures will get much more difficult in the coming week." Mary Sue breathed a sigh of relief. Snape then went to try Seryna's chili, and then made a strange face. He wasn't happy with it. "You didn't take as much care with the ingredients as your partners did. Perhaps you should spend more time with your mind open and your mouth closed. I'll give you half marks, that's more than you deserve." Seryna pouted and arched her back. Snape winced and blinked his eyes for a moment, and then calmly said, "That doesn't work on me." Mary Sue looked at the board. The last instruction read "wave your wand over the chili and say 'Abracadabra." "That's a magical word?" "Procedure practice," said Lyna. "Nothing's supposed to happen." Mary Sue picked up her wand, waved it over the bowl of chili. "Don't do the jabbing thing," instructed Lyna. Mary Sue rolled her eyes, and said the "magic" word. The chili exploded. Tomatoes and beans went everywhere. "Stupid stick," said Mary Sue with exasperation. "Stupid wand," said Lyna as she whipped chili out of her eyes. "Stupid Mary Sue!" said Seryna as she scooped chili out of her cleavage. "Detention" said Snape as he waved his wand to clean up the rest of the chili, without even looking up. That night at dinner, Lyna poked Mary Sue and asked, "Have you ever noticed Seryna eat anything?" "No, I don't think I have." Seryna was seated at the Slytherin table, looking prim, while sipping iced water. "I don't think I get it," continued Mary Sue. "I wonder if she's bulimic." "She can read minds?" "No," said Mary Sue. "She binges and purges." "On what?" "You mean to tell me you know everything but what Bulimia is?" "No," said Lyna uncomfortably. "I don't know everything." "It means you eat a whole bunch as fast as you can, and then either vomit it back up or use laxatives." "Laxatives?" "They make you poop fast." "Okay," said Lyna confused. "It's a really vicious cycle, a disease, really. Bulimic people can't eat around other people. They don't even know how to eat. They couldn't eat a single apple if they tried. A whole bushel of apples maybe but not a single one." "Where did you learn all this?" "Gym class." "Gym class?" Then Mary Sue realized that what Lyna really wanted to say was "I'm fucking home schooled!" "Let it be one of those things that you are glad you don't know about." Later on that evening, Mary Sue saw Seryna duck behind a bookshelf. She caught up with her and asked "Seryna, I'm worried, you have to tell me honestly-have you eaten anything today?" "I'm eating now!" said Seryna cheerfully. Mary Sue heard a mumble and then saw that there was someone else behind the bookshelf—a Slytherin third year. "O K." said Mary Sue, so she turned around and went back to studying.
Dear Mary Sue,
We hope you had fun in London, and are enjoying your first day at school. Your father and I know you will grow up to be an excellent witch. Please write us back and tell us what house you were sorted into, classes you are taking, friends you are making, etc. -L. PS. Rafting was wonderful, wish you could have been with us!
"Yeah, you know, I wanted to go rafting, too," thought Mary Sue. "When and where and what are my classes, Lyna?" she asked.
"We have charms and then we have potions, then history of Magic."
"Oh goody, Houdini."
"No."
"No? Houdini was a magician."
Lyna put down her book, pushed up her glasses, and said "Do you really think that we will be taking classes everyday for the next seven years on Houdini?"
"Some of those tricks are complicated."
"If you don't get it into your head that this is a school for wizarding and witchcraft, not show parlor slight of hand, you will have real trouble come finals time." "Wait, I'm confused. Wizarding?"
"Wizardcraft."
"No, Lyna, that's not a word."
"It's what Wizards do."
"Wizards practice magic."
"Oh and Witches don't?"
It was at that point that Draco Malfoy passed by the table and commented to Pansy, "I thought that perhaps putting Prof. Snape's daughter into Hufflepuff was a mistake, but I guess the hat was right."
Mary Sue got a little temperamental. "I'm not related to Prof. Snape!" she yelled. "And I can't believe you people are so obsessed with the ramblings of a stupid hat who can't even write a good Haiku."
"Drink your coffee, Mary Sue, before you boil it with your head," instructed Lyna. Draco and Pansy laughed as they walked out the door. "She sure told you!" said Pansy sarcastically.
"Come one Mary Sue, let's go to charms." So they went to the charms classroom, where everyone pulled out their sticks, "WANDS, Mary Sue, it's called a wand. Why didn't you bring yours?" said the professor, so Mary Sue had to run back to her room and get her wand, return and lo and behold, people were making their feathers levitate with their sticks. "Wand, Mary sue, lest I beat you with it," said Lyna. Every one, except, of course, Seryna, who was sucking suggestive at the end of her hand and staring at the hufflepuff across the classroom. "TIMMY!" yelled the Hufflepuff. The teacher ignored him.
So Mary Sue gave it a shot. "Lift-o-feather-io!" she said. Nothing happened. She watched Lyna do a few times, and Lyna gave her a play by play of the simple procedure. Then Mary Sue tried again. Still nothing. "Perhaps it's because I have a stick and everybody else has a wand," said Mary Sue.
"It's a wand, Mary Sue, they are all wands. Yours is a wand, mine is a wand, the teacher's is a wand, Seryna's is wand, even Timmy's is a wand. They are all wands."
"But mine won't work."
"Here." Lyna took Mary Sue's wand, swished it a few times, and sparks came out. "Sometimes with the cheaper ones you have to turn them on first."
"Okay." Mary Sue tried again. "Lift-o-feather-io!" the feather started to burn. Mary Sue quickly pounded it out with her fist.
"Did the wand work in the store? What's the core made from?" asked Lyna.
"I don't know, my grandmother got this for me. I didn't even know this stick could . . that wands did . . . you know."
"Let me see it again." Lyna took a close look at the bottom, the tip, the wood, and said "It looks fairly new, so it's not your grandma's old one. It says here "Faullivanders" made it. I don't know where that is."
"Where's yours from?"
"Ollivander's, that's were everybody usually gets their wand. Maybe Faullivanders is in America."
"Maybe."
"Try again, maybe you need more a poking movement like last night when we killed the little guy."
Mary Sue tried again, "Lift-o-feather-io!" with a swished jab upward. KABLOOIEE! The feather exploded.
"Okay, that's enough for today!" proclaimed the charms professor. Mary Sue wiped the soot from her face with a handkerchief and they headed off for the next class. The dreaded Prof. Snape held potions deep in the basement. It was a well- known fact he didn't like first-years and was very strict. "But some people think he's really hot!" went on Seryna in the never ending commentary that was her existence. "I'm so glad we can be a potion group together! It's going to be so much fun! Hey look, it's Ron the prefect!" Mary Sue stopped when she suddenly saw the beautiful brown eyes and charming red hair of Ron Weasely, as he and other six-years were just coming out of the potions lab. However, when Seryna ran up to him to talk, he suddenly went blank eyed again and mumbled her name, followed by "Gorgeous . . . captivating. . ."
"Oh drat, not again!" said Hermione, "Harry, we have to find a spell that will block the zombiefication!"
"I think we should try Sporks."
"Harry, that's too violent. Think of all the things we could use this spell for if we could harness it."
"You're just jealous."
"Of what?"
"Nobody," replied Harry, and they walked off to their next class, while dragging Ron, who muttered "Must ask her out on date . . . ."
"First years!" announced Snape, "Please take a seat and put away your wands."
"Not sticks," whispered Mary Sue to Lyna. Lyna smiled.
"And no talking! I will not tolerate talking in class. First, I want you all to know that magic and potions are no different from math and science. You must study seriously, and you must put forth effort in order to pass this class. However, I want to encourage you as well. There's not one person here who couldn't pass this class, save Timmy who has never passed this class. You may struggle at times to figure out the answers, but they are always right in front of your nose. Does anyone know the secret to finding the answers?"
Lyna raised her hand. Snape nodded.
"Could it be looking past your nose?" The class sat in stunned silence. Mary Sue smiled. She had an English teacher who said the same thing with the same sarcasm. She could see, as Snape replied "Yes, that is correct," that he found the joke amusing too. She also guessed that that might be the one and only joke she would ever hear in class. "There's a college graduate in every group," said Snape with a hint of sarcasm. "Yes, I have a degree in music history and in biogenetics," continued Lyna. "Shut up," said Snape. Then he sighed. He went back to his desk, put his feet up, and picked up the newspaper. "Your assignment is on the board. Today we will be making Chili. The ingredients are in the cupboard, please try to keep it clean." Lyna raised her hand. "There's always one first year that has to know why," said Snape, as he scanned the front page. "For the first week I'm going to ease you into this process of following directions and learning, I have learned from past experience that it is helpful to not dive into complex concepts. Today I want to practice procedural processes and tomorrow we will cover some basic chemistry. On Wednesday, baring any setbacks, we will begin to use magic in the lab. From that point on, things will speed up quickly, so I suggest you enjoy this slow period before I start assigning the pre- and post-labs. Now get started on the cooking, the chili has to simmer for quite some time. Oh and there's a syllabus on my desk, you can pick them up when you're finished. The students picked up the ingredients and got to work on making the chili. It was actually a very good recipe, and Mary Sue enjoyed making it. Snape visited each table, and tasted and commented on each chili. A few of Slytherins had problems, however, when they tried to use magic to hurry up the process. The chili turned a sickening green, and the stench filled the lab. Snape rolled his eyes, cleared the chili away with a spell, and gave them a failing grade. "I put a spell on the recipe, so that it would spoil if any of you tried to use magic. It's a spell from an anti-cheating book that just came out and as you can see I've already found it quite effective. So I will probably be using spells like it in the future, just to give you fair warning." "He doesn't trust us at all!" said Seryna in a high voice. Her Chili looked watery. Mary Sue's was giving off a delightful odor of tomatoes and beans, which pleased her greatly. Lyna's however, was super chili, and perfect in everyway. "A plus for the pretentious college graduate," said Snape with a sneer. He didn't like to have to give out perfect grades. He felt it encouraged grade inflation. He tasted Mary Sue's, and gave an honest nod. "Should I add more chili powder to taste?" she asked. She thought it wasn't hot enough. "No," he replied. "The heat will come out as it simmers. All you have to do is follow the last instruction on the board, and I will give you a perfect score for this, since you followed directions so well. Do not however, think this means you can slack off. The procedures will get much more difficult in the coming week." Mary Sue breathed a sigh of relief. Snape then went to try Seryna's chili, and then made a strange face. He wasn't happy with it. "You didn't take as much care with the ingredients as your partners did. Perhaps you should spend more time with your mind open and your mouth closed. I'll give you half marks, that's more than you deserve." Seryna pouted and arched her back. Snape winced and blinked his eyes for a moment, and then calmly said, "That doesn't work on me." Mary Sue looked at the board. The last instruction read "wave your wand over the chili and say 'Abracadabra." "That's a magical word?" "Procedure practice," said Lyna. "Nothing's supposed to happen." Mary Sue picked up her wand, waved it over the bowl of chili. "Don't do the jabbing thing," instructed Lyna. Mary Sue rolled her eyes, and said the "magic" word. The chili exploded. Tomatoes and beans went everywhere. "Stupid stick," said Mary Sue with exasperation. "Stupid wand," said Lyna as she whipped chili out of her eyes. "Stupid Mary Sue!" said Seryna as she scooped chili out of her cleavage. "Detention" said Snape as he waved his wand to clean up the rest of the chili, without even looking up. That night at dinner, Lyna poked Mary Sue and asked, "Have you ever noticed Seryna eat anything?" "No, I don't think I have." Seryna was seated at the Slytherin table, looking prim, while sipping iced water. "I don't think I get it," continued Mary Sue. "I wonder if she's bulimic." "She can read minds?" "No," said Mary Sue. "She binges and purges." "On what?" "You mean to tell me you know everything but what Bulimia is?" "No," said Lyna uncomfortably. "I don't know everything." "It means you eat a whole bunch as fast as you can, and then either vomit it back up or use laxatives." "Laxatives?" "They make you poop fast." "Okay," said Lyna confused. "It's a really vicious cycle, a disease, really. Bulimic people can't eat around other people. They don't even know how to eat. They couldn't eat a single apple if they tried. A whole bushel of apples maybe but not a single one." "Where did you learn all this?" "Gym class." "Gym class?" Then Mary Sue realized that what Lyna really wanted to say was "I'm fucking home schooled!" "Let it be one of those things that you are glad you don't know about." Later on that evening, Mary Sue saw Seryna duck behind a bookshelf. She caught up with her and asked "Seryna, I'm worried, you have to tell me honestly-have you eaten anything today?" "I'm eating now!" said Seryna cheerfully. Mary Sue heard a mumble and then saw that there was someone else behind the bookshelf—a Slytherin third year. "O K." said Mary Sue, so she turned around and went back to studying.