Ch. 5 detention
Mary Sue fires a gun and flings a spork
Snape offers extra-credit to a student.
Mary Sue gives a bodily sign.
Mary Sue and Harry have a deep, intense, life changing talk.
At eleven O'clock, it was time for detention. Mary Sue went to the potions lab in the dungeon to find a six-year with glasses, bright green eyes and black hair already waiting there. Mary Sue was kind of shy. "Are you here to see your dad?" asked Harry Potter. "No, I'm here for detention." "Your dad gave you detention? He really is strict." "He's not my dad." "Oh, durrr, I should have known that. I of all people should have known that. That was really OOC for me. I guess the stress is really getting to me." "It's okay, we all make mistakes sometimes." "So then are you related to him at all?" "No. Not as far as I know. It could be possible, but I don't think it is. I'm from the U.S., if you can't tell from my accent." "So far it's been pretty obvious. Do you have arbitrary detentions in America to?" "No, in the states we pretty much get away with everything aside from killing each other." "That's nice. I'm here because I tried to defend myself against Draco again. I get nabbed every single time I stand up for myself. What are you here for?" "Chili." "See? Totally arbitrary. You know what arbitrary means, right?" "I'm not retarded." "Okay, Potter, please don't start any more fights, I don't want to spend any more time than I have to," said Snape as he came down the hallway. "Tonight we have to go and snake out the little emsees in the basement, they've run rampant again and are starting to terrorize the students, not to mention aggravate certain teachers. I made a special formula that will melt them instantly, and I put it into what muggles might call "Water guns." Here you go." He handed them the neon-shaded water pistols. Mary Sue smiled. "If these emsees weren't so tricky I might even go so far as to call this sort of work "fun," for you young people. If they get extremely vicious you can use sporks on their eyes." He then handed them silver sporks. "What are emsees?" asked Mary Sue. "Let's just say we used to call them "Mary Sues," until you came along and some teachers thought that might be a little to mean." "So what's a Mary Sue?" "You'll see. Give you gun a practice squirt." Mary Sue, Harry and Snape all tried to hit spots on the far side of the hallway, and then Snape lead them down into the lower depths of Hogwarts. "Tread quietly, we want to sneak up on them," instructed Snape, "They are right behind this door. Potter, I'm going to use you as bait. When I open the door, stand in plan view and say 'here I am' as loudly as you can." "Fine," said Harry. It was pretty obvious now as to why he was in detention. Snape opened the door. "Here I am!" said Harry with little enthusiasm. Out came the Sues. Some giggled and some screamed. Some had long blonde hair and some had black. Some had hair with strange coloring. They were all tall and svelte, and most were scantily clad. They all rushed for Harry and Snape. "Mary Sue, try to take the Sparkly-poo ones. Watch out for the bitchiwitches!" "Okay!" said Mary Sue, who really only had a vague idea as to what that was. "Oh Crap, Tootsitramp!" yelled Snape as one emcee made a lunge for his crotch. He quickly jabbed at her face with the Spork. "Ask about my tragic past!" squealed one with a large scar on her forehead. She tried to corner Harry. He squirted her and she started screaming "My face! Oh my beautiful face!" and then melted. Suddenly, Hermione came out of the room, looking confused. "Hermione?" asked Harry. "Want a date tonight?" she replied. "It's a Qanonreip!" yelled Snape. Mary Sue shot quick and aimed well. The emcee went down. The next thing she knew, they were standing in a large puddle of melted emcees, and Snape seemed all the happier for it. "Can I come down here and shoot emcees more often?" asked Harry of Snape. "It's nice to let off some steam." Snape thought about it for a few minutes, and then said, "I was planning on having Draco come down with me tomorrow night, he seems to get them pretty excited. If you really want to Harry, I suppose that perhaps you can make the formula yourself for extra- credit, and then if you and your friends can get Mr. Filch to supervise it." "What about if I came down with Hermione and Ron? They are prefects after all." "Talk to Filch about it. Sometimes these things can get legal. My offer will stand if you simply want to make the formula in the open lab, on your own time, and I'll lend you the ingredients after class tomorrow. God knows you need the extra credit." Harry sighed. "Now, I'm going to go talk to Mr. Filch about cleaning up this mess, you two are dismissed." Snape walked away. Mary Sue sat down for a minute. There was a weird rumbling in her tummy. Harry crouched down to see if she was all right. "Sometimes those Bitchiwitches can cast a spell and you won't even know it." He looked into her eyes. She looked into his. Suddenly. Mary Sue puked in his face. "Oh my God I am so sorry," "Don't worry about it," said Harry, "Let's just get you to the W.C." He picked up her arm, pulled it over his shoulder, grabbed her waist, and took her to the nearest ladies room, where he coaxed her to vomit the rest of the contents of her stomach. "It's best if you just let it go now," he said. "The spell's going to wear off in an hour. They're not as strong as they think they are." "Thanks," said Mary Sue. "Can I ask you something?" said Harry. "Of course," said Mary Sue, "BLAAAAAGH!" she puked again. This time she made it into the toilet. "Are you sure your name is Mary Sue?" "Positive." "And that is your name on the title page." "Yes. Mary Sue Snape and the Faullivander wand. That's me. I'm Mary Sue Snape. The story is about me." "I'm worried about you, Mary Sue. You aren't Mary Sue-ish enough." "I'm not good enough?" "No." "I suck at being me?" "Yes." "How do I suck?" "You're in Hufflepuff. Mary Sue's are never in Hufflepuff. You're eleven, and at this point in time most Mary Sue's transfer to Hogwarts. Your family background is boring. You're not pursuing me, Draco, Snape or Hermione. You don't excel at witchcraft. You're not excessively popular. You don't own trunks of frilly underwear. You're not sexually active. You don't have a tragic past. You're not even especially pretty or clever. And further more, you keep using spell check and proper grammar. You suck at being Mary Sue! I'm thinking about recommending that the title be changed to "Seryna Jizavore and the chalice of Senip," or "Lyna Lorna and the secret magical makeover book," unless you think of some way to be more like your namesake." "I hate my parents!" suggested Mary Sue. "My parents are dead. You have to be more sensitive." "Oh, God, I'm sorry. How about I try out for the quidditch team?" "Can you ride a broomstick?" "No, but I used to have a broomstick horse that I would ride around." "Were you good at it?" "Until I pooped on it and mom took it away from me I guess I was about as talented as one can get." "What?" said Harry Potter. Then he laughed. "Try it then, perhaps you'll actually be some sort of genius and then you'll win the cup for the Hufflepuff house or some such nonsense. And try to fall in love with somebody. I don't care if it's a boy or a girl." "Harry, I'm eleven. I only realized last year that cooties aren't really contagious." "Cooties aren't real. For such a doozy of a Mary Sue, you've got a lot of Sparkly-poo chutzpah in you." "I'm not a sparkly-poo! I don't know what I am, but I know I'm not that!" "Well, you're obviously not Tootsitramp. You don't have nearly enough spunk." "Please don't tell me I have to be a bitchiwitch. It sounds like so much work." "So far you haven't really been violating Canon laws at all, I don't know where else you would go." "But I'm not bitchy or goth enough to be a bitchiwitch!" "Some people consider it a great honor. It takes a real strength of mind to be a really good, truly interesting bitchiwitch. You're competing with a lot of good people, but I think that you can rise to the challenge. Mary Sue, you have to rise to the challenge. Seryna's a clear Tootsitramp and we may have a to go that route if the story doesn't get any stronger." "Do I stand any competition from Lyna?" "Yes, actually, she's an easy Qanonreip. We transfer her to Gryffindor, make up some incidents and suddenly she's Hermione's little sister, raised by Hermione's real family. Come on, Mary Sue, you know the drill." "You wouldn't. Lyna has the personality of a text book on cardboard." "I can't tell you have any better assets. At least Lyna's got book smarts." "That's just 'cuz she reads books and stuff." Harry glared at her. "You're right, you're right," said Mary Sue. "I'm going to try out for Quidditch tomorrow and if I don't get in," "Dye your clothes and hair black, develop an attitude." "Right, well, listen, this whole chapter's gone on for four pages now, so I think we'd better get back to our houses so that they can summarize the next chapter." "God, I hope there's no more explosions," commented Mary Sue as she headed up the stairs.
Ch. 6 Of course there are more explosions. Mary Sue tries out for Quidditch, with sexy results. This time we really do find out what Seryna eats. Mary Sue actually does get a case of the cooties. Lyna/Snape pedophile hate-sex (unless the fans wants to see something else. I'm open to suggestions as to who should be with whom.)
At eleven O'clock, it was time for detention. Mary Sue went to the potions lab in the dungeon to find a six-year with glasses, bright green eyes and black hair already waiting there. Mary Sue was kind of shy. "Are you here to see your dad?" asked Harry Potter. "No, I'm here for detention." "Your dad gave you detention? He really is strict." "He's not my dad." "Oh, durrr, I should have known that. I of all people should have known that. That was really OOC for me. I guess the stress is really getting to me." "It's okay, we all make mistakes sometimes." "So then are you related to him at all?" "No. Not as far as I know. It could be possible, but I don't think it is. I'm from the U.S., if you can't tell from my accent." "So far it's been pretty obvious. Do you have arbitrary detentions in America to?" "No, in the states we pretty much get away with everything aside from killing each other." "That's nice. I'm here because I tried to defend myself against Draco again. I get nabbed every single time I stand up for myself. What are you here for?" "Chili." "See? Totally arbitrary. You know what arbitrary means, right?" "I'm not retarded." "Okay, Potter, please don't start any more fights, I don't want to spend any more time than I have to," said Snape as he came down the hallway. "Tonight we have to go and snake out the little emsees in the basement, they've run rampant again and are starting to terrorize the students, not to mention aggravate certain teachers. I made a special formula that will melt them instantly, and I put it into what muggles might call "Water guns." Here you go." He handed them the neon-shaded water pistols. Mary Sue smiled. "If these emsees weren't so tricky I might even go so far as to call this sort of work "fun," for you young people. If they get extremely vicious you can use sporks on their eyes." He then handed them silver sporks. "What are emsees?" asked Mary Sue. "Let's just say we used to call them "Mary Sues," until you came along and some teachers thought that might be a little to mean." "So what's a Mary Sue?" "You'll see. Give you gun a practice squirt." Mary Sue, Harry and Snape all tried to hit spots on the far side of the hallway, and then Snape lead them down into the lower depths of Hogwarts. "Tread quietly, we want to sneak up on them," instructed Snape, "They are right behind this door. Potter, I'm going to use you as bait. When I open the door, stand in plan view and say 'here I am' as loudly as you can." "Fine," said Harry. It was pretty obvious now as to why he was in detention. Snape opened the door. "Here I am!" said Harry with little enthusiasm. Out came the Sues. Some giggled and some screamed. Some had long blonde hair and some had black. Some had hair with strange coloring. They were all tall and svelte, and most were scantily clad. They all rushed for Harry and Snape. "Mary Sue, try to take the Sparkly-poo ones. Watch out for the bitchiwitches!" "Okay!" said Mary Sue, who really only had a vague idea as to what that was. "Oh Crap, Tootsitramp!" yelled Snape as one emcee made a lunge for his crotch. He quickly jabbed at her face with the Spork. "Ask about my tragic past!" squealed one with a large scar on her forehead. She tried to corner Harry. He squirted her and she started screaming "My face! Oh my beautiful face!" and then melted. Suddenly, Hermione came out of the room, looking confused. "Hermione?" asked Harry. "Want a date tonight?" she replied. "It's a Qanonreip!" yelled Snape. Mary Sue shot quick and aimed well. The emcee went down. The next thing she knew, they were standing in a large puddle of melted emcees, and Snape seemed all the happier for it. "Can I come down here and shoot emcees more often?" asked Harry of Snape. "It's nice to let off some steam." Snape thought about it for a few minutes, and then said, "I was planning on having Draco come down with me tomorrow night, he seems to get them pretty excited. If you really want to Harry, I suppose that perhaps you can make the formula yourself for extra- credit, and then if you and your friends can get Mr. Filch to supervise it." "What about if I came down with Hermione and Ron? They are prefects after all." "Talk to Filch about it. Sometimes these things can get legal. My offer will stand if you simply want to make the formula in the open lab, on your own time, and I'll lend you the ingredients after class tomorrow. God knows you need the extra credit." Harry sighed. "Now, I'm going to go talk to Mr. Filch about cleaning up this mess, you two are dismissed." Snape walked away. Mary Sue sat down for a minute. There was a weird rumbling in her tummy. Harry crouched down to see if she was all right. "Sometimes those Bitchiwitches can cast a spell and you won't even know it." He looked into her eyes. She looked into his. Suddenly. Mary Sue puked in his face. "Oh my God I am so sorry," "Don't worry about it," said Harry, "Let's just get you to the W.C." He picked up her arm, pulled it over his shoulder, grabbed her waist, and took her to the nearest ladies room, where he coaxed her to vomit the rest of the contents of her stomach. "It's best if you just let it go now," he said. "The spell's going to wear off in an hour. They're not as strong as they think they are." "Thanks," said Mary Sue. "Can I ask you something?" said Harry. "Of course," said Mary Sue, "BLAAAAAGH!" she puked again. This time she made it into the toilet. "Are you sure your name is Mary Sue?" "Positive." "And that is your name on the title page." "Yes. Mary Sue Snape and the Faullivander wand. That's me. I'm Mary Sue Snape. The story is about me." "I'm worried about you, Mary Sue. You aren't Mary Sue-ish enough." "I'm not good enough?" "No." "I suck at being me?" "Yes." "How do I suck?" "You're in Hufflepuff. Mary Sue's are never in Hufflepuff. You're eleven, and at this point in time most Mary Sue's transfer to Hogwarts. Your family background is boring. You're not pursuing me, Draco, Snape or Hermione. You don't excel at witchcraft. You're not excessively popular. You don't own trunks of frilly underwear. You're not sexually active. You don't have a tragic past. You're not even especially pretty or clever. And further more, you keep using spell check and proper grammar. You suck at being Mary Sue! I'm thinking about recommending that the title be changed to "Seryna Jizavore and the chalice of Senip," or "Lyna Lorna and the secret magical makeover book," unless you think of some way to be more like your namesake." "I hate my parents!" suggested Mary Sue. "My parents are dead. You have to be more sensitive." "Oh, God, I'm sorry. How about I try out for the quidditch team?" "Can you ride a broomstick?" "No, but I used to have a broomstick horse that I would ride around." "Were you good at it?" "Until I pooped on it and mom took it away from me I guess I was about as talented as one can get." "What?" said Harry Potter. Then he laughed. "Try it then, perhaps you'll actually be some sort of genius and then you'll win the cup for the Hufflepuff house or some such nonsense. And try to fall in love with somebody. I don't care if it's a boy or a girl." "Harry, I'm eleven. I only realized last year that cooties aren't really contagious." "Cooties aren't real. For such a doozy of a Mary Sue, you've got a lot of Sparkly-poo chutzpah in you." "I'm not a sparkly-poo! I don't know what I am, but I know I'm not that!" "Well, you're obviously not Tootsitramp. You don't have nearly enough spunk." "Please don't tell me I have to be a bitchiwitch. It sounds like so much work." "So far you haven't really been violating Canon laws at all, I don't know where else you would go." "But I'm not bitchy or goth enough to be a bitchiwitch!" "Some people consider it a great honor. It takes a real strength of mind to be a really good, truly interesting bitchiwitch. You're competing with a lot of good people, but I think that you can rise to the challenge. Mary Sue, you have to rise to the challenge. Seryna's a clear Tootsitramp and we may have a to go that route if the story doesn't get any stronger." "Do I stand any competition from Lyna?" "Yes, actually, she's an easy Qanonreip. We transfer her to Gryffindor, make up some incidents and suddenly she's Hermione's little sister, raised by Hermione's real family. Come on, Mary Sue, you know the drill." "You wouldn't. Lyna has the personality of a text book on cardboard." "I can't tell you have any better assets. At least Lyna's got book smarts." "That's just 'cuz she reads books and stuff." Harry glared at her. "You're right, you're right," said Mary Sue. "I'm going to try out for Quidditch tomorrow and if I don't get in," "Dye your clothes and hair black, develop an attitude." "Right, well, listen, this whole chapter's gone on for four pages now, so I think we'd better get back to our houses so that they can summarize the next chapter." "God, I hope there's no more explosions," commented Mary Sue as she headed up the stairs.
Ch. 6 Of course there are more explosions. Mary Sue tries out for Quidditch, with sexy results. This time we really do find out what Seryna eats. Mary Sue actually does get a case of the cooties. Lyna/Snape pedophile hate-sex (unless the fans wants to see something else. I'm open to suggestions as to who should be with whom.)