B/N: Hellooooo!!! Did you miss me? (actually, don't answer that...) Hmm. Foxes are fighting outside my window at the moment. They make a really weird noise... Anyways, Lourdaise is carousing in Cambridge at the moment, so I am left to hold the fort May I say at this point: she BLACKMAILED me into writing chapter 33!!! (on the other hand, she did say some nice stuff about me so I cannot be mean. Much...) But I am depressed – my darling delightful compy DIED! So now I only have net access when I can hijack a compy...
Hmm. Thanks to Oliverwoodschick, PriBAngel, KrisKG, lilypad7879, EgyptsStar (Lourdaise is NOT my mother! but no, the worst thing that happens when I update is the chapter names get more interesting ), caitlin, no-comment-carissa (I will read you fic, I promise, when I can next get on a compy... but I'm in the middle of exams at the mo), Red-Emerald (um... 'interesting' theory ), itsRAEninmen, atiya (oh, I'm blushing now! Thanks!), CanadianBlueberries (um, 'Harry'?) and Invisible Voice. And anyone who likes Sev...
Aaaw! I know I think James is a prat normally, but he's soooooooo sweet now... (oh yeah, and I swear Lupin's eyes were amber... but then, I couldn't find it in any of the books...)
Chapter 37 (is sooo cute!!!)
The funeral on Wednesday was awful. Petunia and I stood apart, she with Vernon Dursley and I with James. He had only brought jeans and t-shirts for the stay, so he shortened his cloak so that it looked like a long black coat, and removed his wizard's hat. I had dug a black dress out of my wardrobe at home. I was relieved that James had agreed to accompany me to the funeral. My aunt and
uncle watched us curiously, but I avoided discussing it afterwards. I didn't want to talk about my relationship with James at the moment. It was too confusing. I could see that it was definitely more than just a fling, and we were certainly becoming good friends. I had discovered, that night on patrol, that he held that elusive quality of fieriness that Robert had been missing. But I didn't know how he really felt about me, or in fact how I felt about him now I knew him better. He was looking after me like a friend at the moment, but love? It was difficult to pinpoint, but was that because there was too much of it - or none of it?
Petunia and I had one last conversation before I returned to school. It was stiff and formal, but not angry. We decided on selling the house, and with the aid of a lawyer, we sorted out their will. I opened an account at Gringott's and had most of the money changed to Galleons. Petunia was clearly disapproving of the move, but it was up to me now. We had finally drifted completely apart.
Apathy set in after a month or so had passed. Schoolwork took my mind off my loss, and I took comfort in the fact that my last words to my parents had been of love. I remembered that feeling of wariness that had overcome me, and now I wondered if I had in fact known I would not see them again.
"You should have done Divination," James said, half teasingly, when I told him. I nodded agreement and smiled. James was being a great help to me now. Not only did he help me out with Head Girl responsibilities and schoolwork, he seemed to be the only one to understand how I was feeling. He was the only
person - surprisingly - who knew when not to joke, or when I would rather he did. Remus Lupin was the other one who seemed to comprehend, but he didn't say much. I could just see it in his grey eyes as he watched me.
Juliet and Rebecca observed James, I knew. They had tried to come straight back to me in the aftermath of my loss, and they were a help, but somehow I felt
betrayed by them. In some ways, it was other girls whose gestures I preferred, because there was no reason why they should feel they had to. Plus, although a lot of people were surprised at James Potter's new attitude, Juliet and Rebecca seemed to scorn it. All I wanted was a comforting smile.
There was a change in our relationship now, though, it seemed. I didn't know whether it was temporary, or whether we merely were just friends now. We didn't seem to go out on dates, and never kissed. I didn't mind. My head was too
messed up to worry about love now.
Barely had I decided that James and I were destined just to be friends, he changed it. We were doing Charms homework by the fire one night in early February when he coughed awkwardly and set aside his books. I looked up.
"Are you okay?" He ran a hand through his hair and contemplated me. "I've been wondering," he stated.
"Wondering?" said Sirius's voice from behind me. "Bloody killing yourself worrying, more like."
"Go away, Padfoot!" James yelled. "And Moony and Wormtail if you're there."
There were sounds of discontent as the three emerged from behind our chairs and departed.
"You were saying?" I prompted.
"Well, I was thinking," he said hopelessly. "About us."
"Yes..."
"And how... how we don't... do much together these days. Apart from as friends," he added quickly.
"Yes."
"And, and I don't mind, if you only want to be friends. Only..."
"Yes?"
"Well, I mean, we could - could go out, some time. Just us, kind of. And work out what..."
I was beginning to smile. Never had I seen James this flustered. "That would be nice."
He looked perplexed. "Yes - yes, I thought it would be. Nice, that is."
"Where?"
"I - er - I don't - well, we could go out for dinner, say."
"OK."
He fidgeted in his chair. "Right," he said. "That - that's good."
I laughed. Clearly he wanted more enthusiasm, but I needed to think before I could give him any hint of my feelings. In fact, I needed to know what he was thinking too. "Shall we get on with our homework, then?"
And so we began dating again. It was light-hearted, perhaps even more so than before. We didn't talk about our relationship, but as February lapsed into
March, I began to wonder. There had never been a repeat of that night on patrol, and although we kissed, it was beginning to feel as chaste as my relationship with Robert had been. And yet this was James Potter. I considered several times the possibility that he might be two timing me - but why wouldn't he just dump me? It was hardly as though he had a problem doing that. Somehow I didn't think that was the problem. Something in the way he sometimes looked at me when he thought I wasn't watching him, some of the things he said... It was bizarre.
"We need to talk," he said one evening as sat on the rim of a fountain in Hogsmeade where we had been making unusually pained conversation. It was clear he had something on his mind.
I glanced at him. "Yes."
There was a pause. "You first," he said.
"How can I go first? I don't know what you want to talk about."
He gave me an exasperated look. "Lily!"
"What? OK, OK. Do you want to break up with me?" I asked him.
He looked bemused. "No."
"I don't know why you're so surprised I asked," I said. "You normally would after just a month with a girl."
He flinched. "Yes, well. All right. I think... I don't know where this is going."
I flicked him a look. "Where this is going? I wasn't under the impression it was going anywhere."
"Exactly," he said.
"And nor did I realise you had plans for it to go anywhere. I thought you had flings, not relationships," I pointed out, smiling slightly.
"Well, I told you that wasn't what I would do to you, didn't I?" He sounded defensive, then sighed. "I don't know what you want, Lily. Before Christmas it was... well, it wasn't much different to my other... flings, you called them. Except you were different. I didn't break up with you, but I didn't really know why. And then, well, after what happened at Christmas, I thought you'd prefer it if I left you alone a bit. Then we started going out again, and I don't
understand it. It's like..." He made a gesture with his arm between us.
"A wall?" I suggested.
"Yes. A wall. And I don't understand it, because it's never happened to me before, and I don't want it to." He sounded almost petulant.
I chewed on my lip. I had a fairly good idea why this wall existed - I felt I needed it, and I think he did too.
"And - it's so awkward," he said.
"You really have no idea why it's there?" I asked.
He hesitated. "Well, I... only know... how I feel."
"Yes."
"But I want to know how you feel."
I paused too. A lot of harm could come from this, I knew, if he didn't reciprocate how I felt. But if he did... "I don't know," I said helplessly. Why couldn't I tell the truth? "You were great... after Christmas... as a friend. But I l-like you a lot..." I stuttered.
He eyed me sadly. "Seems we're just friends, then."
I shook my head frantically. "No! No, it's not that. I don't know," I repeated. "You say you know how you feel."
He shrugged. "I mean I know that I don't want to break up, and I know this
doesn't feel like a passing thing... and it feels like more than friendship. But I don't know what that means."
He had given me my answer. "Don't you?"
He looked across at me. "Well. I mean... I think it's..."
I waited.
"I've never really thought about it," he stammered, "with anyone else."
"But?"
"I think... I think I might... be..." He gulped. "In..."
"In?" I prompted.
"L-l-l... love...with... you."
Hmm. Thanks to Oliverwoodschick, PriBAngel, KrisKG, lilypad7879, EgyptsStar (Lourdaise is NOT my mother! but no, the worst thing that happens when I update is the chapter names get more interesting ), caitlin, no-comment-carissa (I will read you fic, I promise, when I can next get on a compy... but I'm in the middle of exams at the mo), Red-Emerald (um... 'interesting' theory ), itsRAEninmen, atiya (oh, I'm blushing now! Thanks!), CanadianBlueberries (um, 'Harry'?) and Invisible Voice. And anyone who likes Sev...
Aaaw! I know I think James is a prat normally, but he's soooooooo sweet now... (oh yeah, and I swear Lupin's eyes were amber... but then, I couldn't find it in any of the books...)
Chapter 37 (is sooo cute!!!)
The funeral on Wednesday was awful. Petunia and I stood apart, she with Vernon Dursley and I with James. He had only brought jeans and t-shirts for the stay, so he shortened his cloak so that it looked like a long black coat, and removed his wizard's hat. I had dug a black dress out of my wardrobe at home. I was relieved that James had agreed to accompany me to the funeral. My aunt and
uncle watched us curiously, but I avoided discussing it afterwards. I didn't want to talk about my relationship with James at the moment. It was too confusing. I could see that it was definitely more than just a fling, and we were certainly becoming good friends. I had discovered, that night on patrol, that he held that elusive quality of fieriness that Robert had been missing. But I didn't know how he really felt about me, or in fact how I felt about him now I knew him better. He was looking after me like a friend at the moment, but love? It was difficult to pinpoint, but was that because there was too much of it - or none of it?
Petunia and I had one last conversation before I returned to school. It was stiff and formal, but not angry. We decided on selling the house, and with the aid of a lawyer, we sorted out their will. I opened an account at Gringott's and had most of the money changed to Galleons. Petunia was clearly disapproving of the move, but it was up to me now. We had finally drifted completely apart.
Apathy set in after a month or so had passed. Schoolwork took my mind off my loss, and I took comfort in the fact that my last words to my parents had been of love. I remembered that feeling of wariness that had overcome me, and now I wondered if I had in fact known I would not see them again.
"You should have done Divination," James said, half teasingly, when I told him. I nodded agreement and smiled. James was being a great help to me now. Not only did he help me out with Head Girl responsibilities and schoolwork, he seemed to be the only one to understand how I was feeling. He was the only
person - surprisingly - who knew when not to joke, or when I would rather he did. Remus Lupin was the other one who seemed to comprehend, but he didn't say much. I could just see it in his grey eyes as he watched me.
Juliet and Rebecca observed James, I knew. They had tried to come straight back to me in the aftermath of my loss, and they were a help, but somehow I felt
betrayed by them. In some ways, it was other girls whose gestures I preferred, because there was no reason why they should feel they had to. Plus, although a lot of people were surprised at James Potter's new attitude, Juliet and Rebecca seemed to scorn it. All I wanted was a comforting smile.
There was a change in our relationship now, though, it seemed. I didn't know whether it was temporary, or whether we merely were just friends now. We didn't seem to go out on dates, and never kissed. I didn't mind. My head was too
messed up to worry about love now.
Barely had I decided that James and I were destined just to be friends, he changed it. We were doing Charms homework by the fire one night in early February when he coughed awkwardly and set aside his books. I looked up.
"Are you okay?" He ran a hand through his hair and contemplated me. "I've been wondering," he stated.
"Wondering?" said Sirius's voice from behind me. "Bloody killing yourself worrying, more like."
"Go away, Padfoot!" James yelled. "And Moony and Wormtail if you're there."
There were sounds of discontent as the three emerged from behind our chairs and departed.
"You were saying?" I prompted.
"Well, I was thinking," he said hopelessly. "About us."
"Yes..."
"And how... how we don't... do much together these days. Apart from as friends," he added quickly.
"Yes."
"And, and I don't mind, if you only want to be friends. Only..."
"Yes?"
"Well, I mean, we could - could go out, some time. Just us, kind of. And work out what..."
I was beginning to smile. Never had I seen James this flustered. "That would be nice."
He looked perplexed. "Yes - yes, I thought it would be. Nice, that is."
"Where?"
"I - er - I don't - well, we could go out for dinner, say."
"OK."
He fidgeted in his chair. "Right," he said. "That - that's good."
I laughed. Clearly he wanted more enthusiasm, but I needed to think before I could give him any hint of my feelings. In fact, I needed to know what he was thinking too. "Shall we get on with our homework, then?"
And so we began dating again. It was light-hearted, perhaps even more so than before. We didn't talk about our relationship, but as February lapsed into
March, I began to wonder. There had never been a repeat of that night on patrol, and although we kissed, it was beginning to feel as chaste as my relationship with Robert had been. And yet this was James Potter. I considered several times the possibility that he might be two timing me - but why wouldn't he just dump me? It was hardly as though he had a problem doing that. Somehow I didn't think that was the problem. Something in the way he sometimes looked at me when he thought I wasn't watching him, some of the things he said... It was bizarre.
"We need to talk," he said one evening as sat on the rim of a fountain in Hogsmeade where we had been making unusually pained conversation. It was clear he had something on his mind.
I glanced at him. "Yes."
There was a pause. "You first," he said.
"How can I go first? I don't know what you want to talk about."
He gave me an exasperated look. "Lily!"
"What? OK, OK. Do you want to break up with me?" I asked him.
He looked bemused. "No."
"I don't know why you're so surprised I asked," I said. "You normally would after just a month with a girl."
He flinched. "Yes, well. All right. I think... I don't know where this is going."
I flicked him a look. "Where this is going? I wasn't under the impression it was going anywhere."
"Exactly," he said.
"And nor did I realise you had plans for it to go anywhere. I thought you had flings, not relationships," I pointed out, smiling slightly.
"Well, I told you that wasn't what I would do to you, didn't I?" He sounded defensive, then sighed. "I don't know what you want, Lily. Before Christmas it was... well, it wasn't much different to my other... flings, you called them. Except you were different. I didn't break up with you, but I didn't really know why. And then, well, after what happened at Christmas, I thought you'd prefer it if I left you alone a bit. Then we started going out again, and I don't
understand it. It's like..." He made a gesture with his arm between us.
"A wall?" I suggested.
"Yes. A wall. And I don't understand it, because it's never happened to me before, and I don't want it to." He sounded almost petulant.
I chewed on my lip. I had a fairly good idea why this wall existed - I felt I needed it, and I think he did too.
"And - it's so awkward," he said.
"You really have no idea why it's there?" I asked.
He hesitated. "Well, I... only know... how I feel."
"Yes."
"But I want to know how you feel."
I paused too. A lot of harm could come from this, I knew, if he didn't reciprocate how I felt. But if he did... "I don't know," I said helplessly. Why couldn't I tell the truth? "You were great... after Christmas... as a friend. But I l-like you a lot..." I stuttered.
He eyed me sadly. "Seems we're just friends, then."
I shook my head frantically. "No! No, it's not that. I don't know," I repeated. "You say you know how you feel."
He shrugged. "I mean I know that I don't want to break up, and I know this
doesn't feel like a passing thing... and it feels like more than friendship. But I don't know what that means."
He had given me my answer. "Don't you?"
He looked across at me. "Well. I mean... I think it's..."
I waited.
"I've never really thought about it," he stammered, "with anyone else."
"But?"
"I think... I think I might... be..." He gulped. "In..."
"In?" I prompted.
"L-l-l... love...with... you."