Disclaimer: Seriously, what's the point? If owned it, my way would be aired, not posted on a website. So what's the point? Oh, and all the lyrics in this chapter are from Waiting for the Universe by the Pernice Brothers
AN: Ok, this is set in the future, one year from now. Liz and T.J. have decided to move to Stars Hollow, Luke calls in Jess for back up sanity. Also, this is the last chapter. Set in Rory's POV. Um, I just want to mention that this chapter is a bit different style wise...I had a lot of internal reflection on the actual show in those. I had to put a lot more dialogue in this one. I'm not quite sure what I think of it... Also, thanks to everyone who's reviewed this. You guys encourage me to keep writing. :)
Dedication: The .ORG Literati thread. Just the whole thread in general...and Claire, Michelle, Ashley, Sarah, because we're just waiting for them to be happy...lol. Also, Ari and Lia for beta-ing this and being brutally honest with me, lol.
No More Sad Songs
Chapter 4—Waiting for the Universe
Pine away for the Romeo
Trying to smash your heart
Into a thousand summers.
Did it have to be
As typical as a tragedy?
Yours, mine, and our
Lives to compromise.
This was supposed to be a normal day. I had just finished my exams; I'm finally home for the summer. I was just supposed to go to Luke's and meet my mom for lunch. Then, I'd go help out at the Dragonfly. Nothing out of the ordinary in that.
When I woke up, nothing seemed different. On the walk to Luke's, everything seemed just as it had been the day before. You would think there would be some kind of clue to these things, like a cigarette stub by the bus stop, or the troubadour's choice of song. And where was that gossip ring when you needed it?
But there was nothing. Absolutely nothing. I walked into the diner, completely oblivious. That, let me tell you, was not fun at all. Unless a mild heart attack is your idea of fun.
He always seems to do this. He just pops up out of the blue, as soon as I think I'm rid of him. I don't know why he always does this! I told him no, didn't I? I said I didn't want to be with him. Was I not convincing enough?
Somehow, I doubt I was. I'm not quite sure if I meant it, but I wanted to mean it. Why does he have to make this so hard? He comes back into town, and suddenly I doubt decisions that I was sure of a year ago.
So here I am, standing like an idiot in the middle of the diner, staring at him with my mouth partially open. He doesn't even notice me. He's just standing behind the cash register, reading. Exactly as he did everyday when he still lived here.
He reads so intensely, never noticing his surroundings. I begin to slowly come out of my state of shock and fade into a studying mode. I notice his eyes focusing on the page, squinting slightly every once in awhile, as if he was concentrating harder. His expression remained the same, save for that occasional movement of his eyes.
After a while (well, a few seconds, but it seemed much longer), he glances up, like he can feel me staring. I look away before our eyes can meet. It's too dangerous to hold eye contact with him.
I'm over him. I am. My head understands this concept; it's my heart that's fighting it. Stupid heart, you're the one who made me love him in the first place. Won't you let me be happy for once?
But, for some reason, I'm afraid that if he meets my eyes, he'll somehow know that I have doubts. He'll be able to change those doubts into certainties. Certainties that are in the opposite direction my head is telling me to go.
So no eye contact is best. Actually, I should probably just avoid looking at him at all. Just to be safe.
I make my way over to my mom's table, where luckily, I can face the window, instead of having to constantly dodge him. She gives me a tentative smile. I know she saw me when I came in. I'm sure everyone did.
I decide to avoid the subject. It's too awkward, especially with him standing right there. So we settle into small talk. Well, more like, my mom talked, and I gave a nod of acknowledgement every now and then.
Suddenly, he's standing beside the table. Mom shoots him a death glare. He immediately looks away, mumbling something about Luke being out and Caesar refusing to leave the kitchen. After eyeing him suspiciously, my mom places her order. I just sit there, examining the table, until I feel them both looking at me, expecting something.
"Oh! Um...I guess I'll have...the...um," Oh, great. I can't even manage the name of a breakfast food.
Jess is staring at me now, his eyebrows raised expectantly. He's mocking me! He's inwardly mocking me!
"Blueberry muffin," I manage to squeak out, turning my head as I finish.
"Great." Ugh. I hate him! I can't believe he's mocking me! He left me four times! What right does he have? Granted, I told him to leave last time, but he still has no right!
Now my mom's looking at me strangely.
"What?" I sigh.
"Nothing. It's just that your face suddenly turned bright red. And you've completely destroyed that napkin," she pointed out.
I glance down, noticing the white pile in front of me. Oops.
"Sorry, I'm just...nothing. I'm fine."
"Okay," she says, but I know she's not convinced. I'm a horrible liar.
Jess has come back with our food. This time, I'm actually looking at him. Inadvertently, I let my gaze sneak upward, until he's caught me in his gaze.
This is it. I've done the forbidden. All hope for safety just flew out the window.
Why am I acting like this? He's just Jess, not some life-sucking demon!
I allow myself to keep staring. He sets our plates down, not breaking eye contact. Our eyes remain locked until he settles back behind the counter. Glancing back down again, I notice a napkin sticking underneath my plate. It was nothing out of the ordinary, but it looked like there was something written on it.
I slide it down to my lap so I could read it. For some reason, I didn't want my mom to see it.
Causally glancing down, I saw Jess's familiar scrawl.
We need to talk. I'm breaking in ten minutes. You don't have to come if you don't want to.
He wants to talk? What more is there to say? He's already said I love you. He's asked me to come away with him. What now, is he going to propose? Oh, no. I push that thought out of my head as quick as possible.
Do I want to talk to him? If I do, I may take him back, and I can't do that. But, if I don't go, am I going to spend forever wondering what could have happened? Possibly, and I don't want that either. It's not like I want anything to happen. I just don't want to have any regrets, that's all. But then again, I don't want him to think all is forgiven, because it most definitely is not.
As I'm weighing out the pros and cons in my head, Jess leaves the diner. I hesitate for a moment. I know what I need to do; I just don't know what I want. Well, maybe I do know what I want, I'm just sure if it's worth risking getting hurt again.
I finally cave to the want. I tell my mom I have to go; I'm supposed to meet Lane for some sorely needed "hang out" time. Which is true, I just have a couple of hours before I have to meet her. But my mom just smiles at me, telling me to meet her at the Dragonfly in a few hours.
A few minutes later, I find myself at the bridge. I was sure he would be there, but actually seeing him made me want to turn back. When did I turn into such a wimp? He's just Jess. I harbor absolutely no feelings for him.
Okay, maybe just a little. A teensy-weensy bit. Minuscule, really.
Or a lot. But just friendly feelings, nothing else.
Or something more.
Stop! I am not going to talk myself out of this! I am going to talk to him! I walk towards him slowly.
"Hi."
"Hey," he answers, not looking up.
I sit down beside him. We just sit there for a moment, not looking at each other, not saying anything. Two years ago, the silence would have been comfortable, but now it's deafening.
"Jess, why are you here?" I might as well get down to the point, no use in dragging this out. We're both uncomfortable as it is.
"Liz and T.J. decided Stars Hollow was the best place to settle down. I'm just helping them move all their stuff in. Luke wanted me to come. Something about saving his sanity."
"You, save his sanity? You two have met before, right?" Jess chuckled slightly. I smile back. This is too normal. I didn't want this to be so easy, it just makes me miss him. I don't want to miss him! I have to look away, I'm too afraid to keep this up. He looks down again, disappointed.
"So, are you staying? Or is this just a visit type thing?" It's not that I want him to stay. Well, it's not that I don't want him to stay either. It doesn't matter. I mean, it's his life, right? It's not like he's here for me. He has family here; he has every right to be in Stars Hollow.
"I'm not sure. Maybe."
"Maybe you're staying or maybe it's a visit?"
He's staring at me now, trying to read me, trying to figure out what I want. I try to look away, but somehow I can't seem to turn my head.
"I think I need to know something first."
No. Please, no. I feel the bitter taste of regret, anger, and wanting well up in the back of my throat.
"I already..."
"Said no, I heard you the first time." Finally, I can look away. I feel my face flush with shame.
"I just need to know if you meant it."
"Jess..."
"No. I saw you in the diner. You were looking at me. Then you wouldn't look at me. I need to know what you're doing, Rory. I need you to stop playing with me. Did you mean it?"
Now, his eyes are full of intensity, but this time, it's stronger than if he was simply reading a book. He's pleading with me now. I don't think I can take this. I bite my lip nervously.
"I don't think I did." He loses his composure for a second. He looks relieved, surprisingly echoing how I feel. Then the determination comes back to him.
"Then where do we stand, Rory? Are we just going to wait around until one of us breaks down? I'm not going to stay for that. I can't stay if that's what you want me to do."
"I...I don't. I don't want to run away from this anymore. But what else are we supposed to do? You know we can't just be together. You know it's not that simple." My voice is begging with him now. It shouldn't be up to him to find the answer. But mine isn't the one either of us wants to hear.
"Why can't it be? Why can't it be that simple? We agree, don't we? We both want this, Rory. Don't think about it; at least, for now." He's urging me now, and I'm doing exactly what I was afraid of. I think I'm giving in.
Maybe I should have gone with him last year. I know I've thought about it. Things might have worked out. We could have made it work. Maybe I would have been happy.
He's giving me another chance. Suddenly, I don't feel like I deserve it. I pushed him away when he was finally ready for me. I know he hurt me. I know that I had every right not to want to see him again.
Something about him is sincere this time. It's something that he had when he asked me to come away with him, when he said he loved me, and it's something he has now. It's like that boy that wrote in the margins of my books, who looked up the mileage to Yale, and whom I called Dodger, is back.
I think I'm in love with that boy.
I don't want to be. I've tried not to be. I just can't seem to shake it.
I give a small nod of my head before leaning towards him. I brush my lips gently against his and let my head fall onto his shoulder. He wraps his arm protectively around me and strokes my hair.
I think I get it now.
We're supposed to be together.
If I was the only one,
If you were the last alive
Would we sit here like the amateurs
And watch our days go by
Waiting for the universe to die.
AN: So, what did you think? Tell me what you liked, what you didn't like...I need to know for future reference! Thanks for reading!
AN: Ok, this is set in the future, one year from now. Liz and T.J. have decided to move to Stars Hollow, Luke calls in Jess for back up sanity. Also, this is the last chapter. Set in Rory's POV. Um, I just want to mention that this chapter is a bit different style wise...I had a lot of internal reflection on the actual show in those. I had to put a lot more dialogue in this one. I'm not quite sure what I think of it... Also, thanks to everyone who's reviewed this. You guys encourage me to keep writing. :)
Dedication: The .ORG Literati thread. Just the whole thread in general...and Claire, Michelle, Ashley, Sarah, because we're just waiting for them to be happy...lol. Also, Ari and Lia for beta-ing this and being brutally honest with me, lol.
No More Sad Songs
Chapter 4—Waiting for the Universe
Pine away for the Romeo
Trying to smash your heart
Into a thousand summers.
Did it have to be
As typical as a tragedy?
Yours, mine, and our
Lives to compromise.
This was supposed to be a normal day. I had just finished my exams; I'm finally home for the summer. I was just supposed to go to Luke's and meet my mom for lunch. Then, I'd go help out at the Dragonfly. Nothing out of the ordinary in that.
When I woke up, nothing seemed different. On the walk to Luke's, everything seemed just as it had been the day before. You would think there would be some kind of clue to these things, like a cigarette stub by the bus stop, or the troubadour's choice of song. And where was that gossip ring when you needed it?
But there was nothing. Absolutely nothing. I walked into the diner, completely oblivious. That, let me tell you, was not fun at all. Unless a mild heart attack is your idea of fun.
He always seems to do this. He just pops up out of the blue, as soon as I think I'm rid of him. I don't know why he always does this! I told him no, didn't I? I said I didn't want to be with him. Was I not convincing enough?
Somehow, I doubt I was. I'm not quite sure if I meant it, but I wanted to mean it. Why does he have to make this so hard? He comes back into town, and suddenly I doubt decisions that I was sure of a year ago.
So here I am, standing like an idiot in the middle of the diner, staring at him with my mouth partially open. He doesn't even notice me. He's just standing behind the cash register, reading. Exactly as he did everyday when he still lived here.
He reads so intensely, never noticing his surroundings. I begin to slowly come out of my state of shock and fade into a studying mode. I notice his eyes focusing on the page, squinting slightly every once in awhile, as if he was concentrating harder. His expression remained the same, save for that occasional movement of his eyes.
After a while (well, a few seconds, but it seemed much longer), he glances up, like he can feel me staring. I look away before our eyes can meet. It's too dangerous to hold eye contact with him.
I'm over him. I am. My head understands this concept; it's my heart that's fighting it. Stupid heart, you're the one who made me love him in the first place. Won't you let me be happy for once?
But, for some reason, I'm afraid that if he meets my eyes, he'll somehow know that I have doubts. He'll be able to change those doubts into certainties. Certainties that are in the opposite direction my head is telling me to go.
So no eye contact is best. Actually, I should probably just avoid looking at him at all. Just to be safe.
I make my way over to my mom's table, where luckily, I can face the window, instead of having to constantly dodge him. She gives me a tentative smile. I know she saw me when I came in. I'm sure everyone did.
I decide to avoid the subject. It's too awkward, especially with him standing right there. So we settle into small talk. Well, more like, my mom talked, and I gave a nod of acknowledgement every now and then.
Suddenly, he's standing beside the table. Mom shoots him a death glare. He immediately looks away, mumbling something about Luke being out and Caesar refusing to leave the kitchen. After eyeing him suspiciously, my mom places her order. I just sit there, examining the table, until I feel them both looking at me, expecting something.
"Oh! Um...I guess I'll have...the...um," Oh, great. I can't even manage the name of a breakfast food.
Jess is staring at me now, his eyebrows raised expectantly. He's mocking me! He's inwardly mocking me!
"Blueberry muffin," I manage to squeak out, turning my head as I finish.
"Great." Ugh. I hate him! I can't believe he's mocking me! He left me four times! What right does he have? Granted, I told him to leave last time, but he still has no right!
Now my mom's looking at me strangely.
"What?" I sigh.
"Nothing. It's just that your face suddenly turned bright red. And you've completely destroyed that napkin," she pointed out.
I glance down, noticing the white pile in front of me. Oops.
"Sorry, I'm just...nothing. I'm fine."
"Okay," she says, but I know she's not convinced. I'm a horrible liar.
Jess has come back with our food. This time, I'm actually looking at him. Inadvertently, I let my gaze sneak upward, until he's caught me in his gaze.
This is it. I've done the forbidden. All hope for safety just flew out the window.
Why am I acting like this? He's just Jess, not some life-sucking demon!
I allow myself to keep staring. He sets our plates down, not breaking eye contact. Our eyes remain locked until he settles back behind the counter. Glancing back down again, I notice a napkin sticking underneath my plate. It was nothing out of the ordinary, but it looked like there was something written on it.
I slide it down to my lap so I could read it. For some reason, I didn't want my mom to see it.
Causally glancing down, I saw Jess's familiar scrawl.
We need to talk. I'm breaking in ten minutes. You don't have to come if you don't want to.
He wants to talk? What more is there to say? He's already said I love you. He's asked me to come away with him. What now, is he going to propose? Oh, no. I push that thought out of my head as quick as possible.
Do I want to talk to him? If I do, I may take him back, and I can't do that. But, if I don't go, am I going to spend forever wondering what could have happened? Possibly, and I don't want that either. It's not like I want anything to happen. I just don't want to have any regrets, that's all. But then again, I don't want him to think all is forgiven, because it most definitely is not.
As I'm weighing out the pros and cons in my head, Jess leaves the diner. I hesitate for a moment. I know what I need to do; I just don't know what I want. Well, maybe I do know what I want, I'm just sure if it's worth risking getting hurt again.
I finally cave to the want. I tell my mom I have to go; I'm supposed to meet Lane for some sorely needed "hang out" time. Which is true, I just have a couple of hours before I have to meet her. But my mom just smiles at me, telling me to meet her at the Dragonfly in a few hours.
A few minutes later, I find myself at the bridge. I was sure he would be there, but actually seeing him made me want to turn back. When did I turn into such a wimp? He's just Jess. I harbor absolutely no feelings for him.
Okay, maybe just a little. A teensy-weensy bit. Minuscule, really.
Or a lot. But just friendly feelings, nothing else.
Or something more.
Stop! I am not going to talk myself out of this! I am going to talk to him! I walk towards him slowly.
"Hi."
"Hey," he answers, not looking up.
I sit down beside him. We just sit there for a moment, not looking at each other, not saying anything. Two years ago, the silence would have been comfortable, but now it's deafening.
"Jess, why are you here?" I might as well get down to the point, no use in dragging this out. We're both uncomfortable as it is.
"Liz and T.J. decided Stars Hollow was the best place to settle down. I'm just helping them move all their stuff in. Luke wanted me to come. Something about saving his sanity."
"You, save his sanity? You two have met before, right?" Jess chuckled slightly. I smile back. This is too normal. I didn't want this to be so easy, it just makes me miss him. I don't want to miss him! I have to look away, I'm too afraid to keep this up. He looks down again, disappointed.
"So, are you staying? Or is this just a visit type thing?" It's not that I want him to stay. Well, it's not that I don't want him to stay either. It doesn't matter. I mean, it's his life, right? It's not like he's here for me. He has family here; he has every right to be in Stars Hollow.
"I'm not sure. Maybe."
"Maybe you're staying or maybe it's a visit?"
He's staring at me now, trying to read me, trying to figure out what I want. I try to look away, but somehow I can't seem to turn my head.
"I think I need to know something first."
No. Please, no. I feel the bitter taste of regret, anger, and wanting well up in the back of my throat.
"I already..."
"Said no, I heard you the first time." Finally, I can look away. I feel my face flush with shame.
"I just need to know if you meant it."
"Jess..."
"No. I saw you in the diner. You were looking at me. Then you wouldn't look at me. I need to know what you're doing, Rory. I need you to stop playing with me. Did you mean it?"
Now, his eyes are full of intensity, but this time, it's stronger than if he was simply reading a book. He's pleading with me now. I don't think I can take this. I bite my lip nervously.
"I don't think I did." He loses his composure for a second. He looks relieved, surprisingly echoing how I feel. Then the determination comes back to him.
"Then where do we stand, Rory? Are we just going to wait around until one of us breaks down? I'm not going to stay for that. I can't stay if that's what you want me to do."
"I...I don't. I don't want to run away from this anymore. But what else are we supposed to do? You know we can't just be together. You know it's not that simple." My voice is begging with him now. It shouldn't be up to him to find the answer. But mine isn't the one either of us wants to hear.
"Why can't it be? Why can't it be that simple? We agree, don't we? We both want this, Rory. Don't think about it; at least, for now." He's urging me now, and I'm doing exactly what I was afraid of. I think I'm giving in.
Maybe I should have gone with him last year. I know I've thought about it. Things might have worked out. We could have made it work. Maybe I would have been happy.
He's giving me another chance. Suddenly, I don't feel like I deserve it. I pushed him away when he was finally ready for me. I know he hurt me. I know that I had every right not to want to see him again.
Something about him is sincere this time. It's something that he had when he asked me to come away with him, when he said he loved me, and it's something he has now. It's like that boy that wrote in the margins of my books, who looked up the mileage to Yale, and whom I called Dodger, is back.
I think I'm in love with that boy.
I don't want to be. I've tried not to be. I just can't seem to shake it.
I give a small nod of my head before leaning towards him. I brush my lips gently against his and let my head fall onto his shoulder. He wraps his arm protectively around me and strokes my hair.
I think I get it now.
We're supposed to be together.
If I was the only one,
If you were the last alive
Would we sit here like the amateurs
And watch our days go by
Waiting for the universe to die.
AN: So, what did you think? Tell me what you liked, what you didn't like...I need to know for future reference! Thanks for reading!