Post: Blood, sugar, sex, magic.

NA: The song used in this part is from Evanescence and is called of course 'My last breath'.

And I've double checked my fic after I got a review from someone (the she devil) about an error about Dave's son being mentioned in this fic. Sorry about that, I thought I had deleted that sentence. Anyway, it's all clear now, enjoy!

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My last breath

Dave put his empty plate on the small coffee table and sunk back on the couch. It had been his own fault, he knew it, there was no way denying it. He'd acted too reckless and now he was paying the price. He wanted to blame Kerry, it was all her fault. Kerry had made the decision on firing him. But then again, he'd jumped into that rig with that woman.

He swallowed hard, it had been all his fault. Even that Marfan's case was his fault. He didn't look at the X-ray close enough. He'd given Chen the green light. Oh God, he thought. Jing-mei.

hold on to me love
you know I can't stay long

He never wanted to hurt her, not now, not ever. He'd made her life miserable every time he'd seen her in the ER. Making mocking remarks and shoving patients her way. Why couldn't he just stop that? Drop the macho act? Everyday he said to himself he'd never do it again. He would change his life, but every time he kept his wall up, so no one could see him.

all I wanted to say was I love you
and I'm not afraid

Every time he'd see her, those beautiful eyes. If something could melt him it would be her eyes. Her skin was soft as silk and all he wanted was to touch it and keep her close. To stroke her gorgeous hair and kiss her soft lips. But all he got was a sneer and a threatening look. He knew it was natural for her to be this way toward him, he'd been this way toward her.

can you hear me?
can you feel me in your arms?

All he wanted, was to just be with her. Outside the ER. He'd be different... maybe… He hoped so, he hadn't really been talking to anyone lately, and he meant really talk. Man to man, or man to woman. No real conversations, sane conversations, except for the business talk inside the ER.

holding my last breath
safe inside myself

Hi, how is your day? Are you feeling okay? Need any help? The only questions he got were different. Often involved being asked if he wanted something shoved up his… yeah, like he didn't have enough problems already. He'd wake up, get out of bed, put on his smile. Going to work, get shouted at by Kerry. Swallowing every bitter look they gave him. It wouldn't get to him, he promised himself, one day they won't, I'll just have to get through it today. He'd get through it alright. But it seemed to eat him alive. Everyday pretending to be in a super good mood. It put him on a distance, from all the hurt. They never hurt him, they hurt the Dr. Dave, he was somewhere else. Where they couldn't see him.

are all my thoughts of you
sweet raptured light it ends here tonight

It had taken it's toll. He had walked past every chance of being nice to Jing-mei. The woman who he, maybe only, loved. The word hurt him, somehow. Did he know what love was? He'd never felt it before, at least that is what he assumed. No one really let him love them, maybe the girls he slept with after a party. No, he thought, they loved the Dr. Dave. The macho, the ladies man. He wasn't that, he was different. Why couldn't anyone see that? They all guessed wrong. Hell, they all guessed how he was, did anyone ask him?

I'll miss the winter
a world of fragile things

He looked to his right side. To the phone. What if he told Jing-mei? What if she knew? What if he'd told her, instead of her just guessing? He picked up the phone and started dialling her number. He'd once looked for her number in her file, just to call. But he'd never picked up the phone and really call her. Maybe he could tell her today. The phone rang once… twice… The third time made him wonder what he was planning to say. His heart skipped a beat and he gasped silently when Jing-mei picked u the phone.

"Yes?" She said. Dave started to melt on the other line. He tried opening his mouth to say something. But nothing came out, not even a little sound. "Hello?" She became impatient. "Who's there?"

look for me in the white forest
hiding in a hollow tree (come find me)

Dave quickly hung up the phone and stood up from the couch. He ran to the bathroom and let his pizza come out in his toilet. He leaned backwards when his stomach was empty and flushed. Why had he even called? Like he would just spill out what was bothering him to Jing-mei. He never told anyone anything. Not after he found out how much they could hurt you when you trust them even a little bit. They would take you down.

Dave leaned his back to the edge of his bathtub and stared into space. There he was, just as his father had predicted.

Alone…

He could still recall his bruises. From all the kicking and the hitting. His father was always drunk and always pretty mad at him. He didn't know what he had done wrong, everything seemed to lead to getting hit by his father, while he lay on the ground pleading for mercy. You're nothing, you can't even get into an American Medical school! He'd heard his father say. Shouldn't a father be proud of his son even getting into Med.School? Not his… Never his father.

I know you hear me
I can taste it in your tears

Dave whipped the remaining dinner off of his chin and stood up. Why me? He asked his reflection. I get all the bad stuff, the shouting from Kerry, the punches from my dad, the cold stares from Jing-mei. He put his head down and threw some water in his face.
"I ain't bad." He said trying to convince himself. But his solid grown up voice ended in a soft sob of a twelve year old boy, bruised from his father. He wanted to be different, kind like Carter, wise like Corday. Hell, he would even trade his life with Romano, at least no one talked bad back to him.

Then the thought came to him, it would all end if… He walked to his kitchen and pulled something out of a drawer. When he put it up he saw his reflection in the blade. Dave slowly walked through his apartment, looking for a pen and something to write on. He found his notepad he carried with him around the ER and grabbed a pen from his desk. The knife felt heavy in his hands, suddenly a normal kitchen knife would have so much more meaning. He placed it above his notepad and started writing. After ten minutes, and six version of the note, he folded it and put it in an envelope he found somewhere in a drawer. He grabbed the pen once more and wrote 'To Jing-mei Chen' on it.

holding my last breath
safe inside myself

He went to his bedroom, with the letter and the knife. He put the letter next to his alarm clock and sat down on the bed, then put the blade on his wrist, but didn't cut it. So, what's next? He thought. He would be sitting here, bleeding to death and it'll hurt like hell. He suddenly stood up and walked back to his bathroom where he opened the medicine cabinet. He'd seen so many suicide attempts in the ER, they all said they didn't think it would've hurt this bad. He grabbed the sleeping pills and emptied the bottle on his hand. One, two… eight…He counted the tablets fast. Twelve pills. He put them in his mouth, tree at a time. He quickly poured some water after it and closed the cabinet. Once more he was looking at his reflection.

"They won't get to me anymore," He said to his reflection. He looked weak, hurt by everything, anyone. "It'll end."

are all my thoughts of you
sweet raptured light it ends here tonight

He sat down and put the blade on his wrist. He put pressure on the tip of the knife and slid it slowly down his wrist. Kids in his hospital never did it right, you had to cut the veins real good, or you won't bleed enough and you'll get massive scars. He never knew his medical training would help him one day. Not like this.

He saw the blood coming out of his cut real quick. He put the knife in his other hand and put the blade on his other wrist. Oh God! This was hurting so bad, why did he do this? No he thought, I'm not backing out of this one. I've tried too many times, this would be the final. This would be a success, first one in my life.

He leaned back to the tub and finished his cut. Then the knife hit the stone wall hard when he threw it to the side. The blood started to come faster and faster making a mess on the ground and on his jeans. It's all going to be alright, it's going to end now, he told himself over and over before the pills kicked in.

closing your eyes to disappear
you pray your dreams will leave you here

"Dave?" He looked to his right side and saw Kerry standing next to him in the Trauma room. "That was a good save." Dave's eyes widened.
"You sure?" He asked and Kerry nodded.
 "You are by far the best doctor County General has ever had." Kerry said, now being backed up by Elizabeth and Peter, both nodding. Dave walked out of the trauma room and all the staff stood there, one by one, giving him compliments. "Good job Dave." Carter said and Dave continued walking.
"Dave," He heard a familiar voice and turned around. Jing-mei Chen walked up to him and leaned in close.

but still you wake and know the truth
no one's there

Dave bend down to her and they kissed passionate. She threw her arms around him and he lifted her by her waist, holding her close to him. When they broke apart he was greeted by Jing-mei's loving eyes.
"Dave, I love you." She said with tears in her eyes. "I…" Dave put his finger on her mouth to let her stop talking.
"I know," He said and looked loving into her eyes. "I love you too."

Say goodnight
Don't be afraid

"Dave?" Jing-mei knocked the door but didn't get any response from inside. She'd searched for his address and came to see him after her shift had ended. Kerry really did it now, she'd fired Dave. I wished she hadn't, Dave was so desperately wanting to be a doctor. Jing-mei tried to knock harder, but still no response. A neighbour of Dave walked past her on the stairs and took one quick look at the woman.

"If you want to enter, just turn and push, the locks aren't great in here." Jing-mei smiled a second at the old black lady. Why did she gave Jing-mei this information, what if she was a burglar? She brushed it off and followed the old lady's advise. She turned and pushed. Like a miracle the door opened suddenly.

"Dave?" Jing-mei continued to call around the apartment. She closed the door behind and started looking for Dave. She headed to the bathroom when she saw light inside. "Oh my God, Dave!" She yelled as she saw the lifeless body, covered in blood.

Calling me,
Calling me,

"Dave!" She yelled shaking his shoulder. "What did you do?!" She looked down at the cuts in the inside of his wrists. "God…" Her voice trailed off and she turned her head away from Dave for a second, fighting the nausea. She stood up and grabbed some towels to stop the bleeding. After wrapping them around Dave's wrists, she grabbed in her pocket and pulled out a cellphone.

As you fade to black.
Say goodnight

She dialled 911. "911, what is your emergency?" The voice on the other line asked. "He… he slid his wrists!" Jing-mei thought she would be much more brave and clear when she would have to call 911, but all she did was screaming out in hysteria. She gave the woman the address of Dave's apartment when she asked.

Holding my last breath (don't be afraid)
Safe inside myself (calling me,calling me)

"Dave, they are on their way," She said pleading into Dave's ear, keeping pressure on his cuts. "Hold on." Dave's pale face fell on her shoulder when she grabbed his wrists. He looked almost dead and Jing-mei hoped she wasn't too late. She hadn't notice until now that her tears had already been flowing uncontrollingly, down her cheeks, now on Dave's head.

"Don't do this to me!" She cried starting to shudder from her tears. The crying echoed through the bathroom walls as Jing-mei pulled Dave closer to her. He started to turn colder and he looked more and more lifeless. "Don't do this." She cried one more time, not louder than Dave could hear. "Please, please, please…" She repeated holding him, rocking him softly.

Are all my thoughts of you
Sweet raptured light, It ends here tonight.