An Ed, Edd, 'n' Eddy fanfic by Andy Anime
OBLIGATORY LEGAL JUNK: Ed, Edd, Eddy, and all the rest are trademarked property of AKA Cartoon and the Cartoon Network. The events and characters depicted in this fanfic are purely fictional. Any resemblence to any real person, place, or events is (probably) purely coincidental. Any resemblence to any superstition-themed episode of any other cartoon show is a coincidence too, it's just there are only so many clichés to go around… Anyway, on with the show!
A modest crowd (composed of pretty much all of the kids living on Peach Creek Lane) had gathered in front of a rickety stage set up in the playground. A loudly-decorated sign near the park entrance advertised, in its own unique fashion:
LIVE! TODAY ONLEE @ NOON!
ADMISSION = A QUARTER
"Oh, this oughta be good," said Sarah, with obvious sarcasm, as she reluctantly allowed Jimmy to escort her to her seat, in the third row of deck chairs.
"You said it, squirt!" quipped Kevin, reclining in his seat next to Nazz, and right behind Sarah and Jimmy. "Seeing the Ed-heads make themselves look like dorks oughta be a real hoot!"
"Indeed, Kevin!" seconded Rolf, who had gotten a front row seat and was munching a sack of his mother's homemade rutabaga chips. "Rolf hopes to be similarly pleased by the bungled wacky hijinks of the hand-is-quicker-than-the-eye Ed-boys!"
Jimmy chuckled nervously, and tried unsuccessfully to cheer up Sarah. "C'mon, Sarah! Everyone loves magic shows! Don't you ever wonder how they do all those neat tricks?"
Sarah grunted in annoyance, and replied, "Get real, Jimmy! This stage magic stuff is faker than Eddy's dad's toupee! Everyone knows it's all done with mirrors!"
Rolf turned in his seat to face Sarah, a quizzical look on his face, and sincerely inquired, "Rolf is confused! Tell me, Lesser Sibling of the All-Whey-No-Curd Ed-boy, how does one use mirrors in escaping from a collapsing building, or making the Lady of Liberty vanish into thick air?"
Sarah was about to tell Rolf to get a clue, but was interrupted by a drumroll, provided by Ed sitting on the side of the stage, banging on his own head with a pair of wooden spoons. Edd stepped out on the stage, dressed in a ratty tuxedo that had apparently been confiscated from the dump, and cleared his throat into the microphone. "Ladies and gentlemen! I'm glad you're all here today, the bright young faces of..."
Edd was cut off by a flying bag of popcorn, which he just barely dodged, and by Kevin yelling "Get on with it, Double-Doofus! Get to the part where your twerp friend screws everything up!"
"Chill out, Kev!" said Nazz, putting an arm on Kevin's shoulder that promptly shut up the cul-de-sac's token cool guy. "It might not be that bad. After all, if stage magic is just tricks and deception and stuff like that, it oughta be right up Eddy's alley!"
Overcome with the realization that even Kevin was aware what a preposterous scam this was, and relieved at a bit of encouragement (however backhanded) from Nazz, Edd went on. "Anyway, I would like to introduce..." Suddenly suffering from an extreme bout of self-conciousness, Edd turned stage left and pleaded to a figure unseen by the audience, "Eddy, this is preposterous! Do I have to say the whole thing?"
"Just get on with it already, Double-Dee, before the audience gets restless!" came Eddy's voice in a stage-whisper from off stage. "They might start demanding refunds any minute!"
Edd gave a resigned sigh, and said flatly and rapidly, "...that Master of Magic, that Champ of Chicanery, that Incredibly Interesting Illusionist…" Here Edd was cut off yet again, this time by the choking crimson fumes of a smoke bomb thrown from offstage. Eddy dashed out onto stage from behind what he hoped was an all-concealing cloud of smoke, and was ready and waiting to greet the crowd in an old purple polyester leisure suit, complete with matching top hat, once the smoke was gone.
Once he was finished coughing and gagging, Edd sighed, and gestured to Eddy, finishing with, "The amazing Eddy Copperfield."
With this, Ed left off drumming on his head, and sat swaying dizzily, chuckling as he watched the stars go round. "Hey, I can see my house from here!" he snickered.
Edd stared at Ed, pitying his friend's apparent lack of regard for the safety of his poor, underused brain cells, then turned to Eddy with a desperate cry of "Can I go now?"
Eddy replied by shoving Edd offstage with one foot (directly into the still-dazed Ed), and promptly began working the crowd. "Greetings, ladies and guys! I'd like to say what a pleasure it is to be here tonight..."
"It's the middle of the day, dork!" heckled Kevin, with an obnoxious laugh.
Eddy grimaced, and added, "I'd like to, but I can't!" Trying to keep his composure, he went on, "Anyway, I'm here to astound you, surprise you, and stupid-fy you with my prestigious pressy-digi... press-a-digger..." He stumbled slightly over the proper pronunciation of "prestidigitation", then settled with, "Magic!" Unfortunately, Eddy made the mistake of flinging his arms out in a melodramatic fashion just a bit too roughly, causing a deck's worth of playing cards to fall out of his left sleeve, and two rather irritated pigeons to fly out of his right sleeve.
A burst of laughter from the audience irked Eddy to no end, as one of the pigeons settled on his head and began pecking. Eddy ran around screaming like a maniac as the bird attacked him and the kids laughed, before he managed to chase the pigeon off. Eddy briefly reflected on how much he hated birds before turning back to his audience. With obvious annoyance in his voice, he went on "ANYway, for my first trick..."
"What, you gonna make our loose change disappear?" sniped Sarah from the back row.
Eddy tried to ignore Sarah, as Ed wheeled a large metal bowl filled with a sickly brown glop out onto the stage. "For my FIRST TRICK..." said Eddy, trying to keep his sorely-tested temper, "I will be bound in chains, and attempt an escape, as I am slowly lowered into this giant bowl of..." Turning around and cautiously sticking his finger into the goo, Eddy inquired "Hey, what the heck is this stuff, Ed?"
Ed grinned, and answered, "It's my mom's recipe for cinnamon tapioca pudding! I made it myself."
Should have guessed, Eddy thought, suddenly reluctant to go through with the show. Why should he risk getting dipped headfirst into Ed's home cooking? But the thought of all those quarters was enough to convince him, and he turned to the audience with a forced smile, proclaiming, "Unbelievable, isn't it folks? You're wondering, 'Would he dare risk life and limb in tapioca pudding prepared by a man who puts ketchup on cornflakes?' Well, folks, you're about to find out! Ed," commanded Eddy, "The chains!"
As Ed dragged a length of heavy chain onto the stage, he suddenly dropped it. "Hold the mayo, Eddy! I almost forgot the most important part of the pudding..." Reaching into the unwashed recesses of his jacket, Ed produced a small, slightly mildewy box of what appeared to be shirt buttons. "The raisins!" proclaimed Ed, with his usual vacant grin.
"Ed, those are buttons..." said Edd, in his "attempting to point out the obvious to Ed" voice, but he was summarily ignored, as usual.
"Don't knock it 'til the cows come home, Double-Dee!" said Ed cheerily, and he promptly began sprinkling buttons into the pudding.
Unbeknownst to the blissfully-ignorant Ed, Rolf had been watching with a look of horror on his face when Ed produced the box, and was looking progressively more horrified as Ed had dumped the contents into the giant bowl of pudding.
Kevin, not being one of the more empathic denizens of the cul-de-sac, waved a hand in front of Rolf's face, unaware of the thoughts behind his friend's glazed stare. "Hey, Rolf, what's the deal? One of those chips had too much vinegar on it?"
Rolf turned, grabbed Kevin by the collar, and shook him like a rag doll, hysterically shouting, "Do you not see it, Kevin? Are you so blind by your infomercials and one-named talk show hosts? The buttons have hit the tapioca!"
"Uh... what?" was all Kevin could said.
"The Ed-boys have doomed us all! For the love of pickled herring, RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!" With that, Rolf tossed Kevin aside and ran screaming in fear for home, plowing through the crowd in the process.
After the smoke cleared, all that could be heard for a while was some pained groans. Then, a bruised and battered Jimmy staggered to his feet, muttered weakly, "Is there a doctor in the house?", and promptly fell down again.
"Uh, what just happened?" said Nazz, with just a hint of irritation in her voice, as she got to her feet and picked wood splinters out of her hair.
"I dunno," said Kevin, once he had also regained his senses, and turned towards the stage with a sour expression on his face, "But I know it's all the dorks' fault!"
"ED, YOU IDIOT!" barked Sarah, shrugging off a pile of broken chairs in her blind fury, which was promptly calmed when she heard Jimmy's feeble cry of "Medic!"
Eddy and his compatriots stood on the stage, Ed and Edd looking like they were in fear for their lives, and Eddy merely looking sheepish. "Um..." Eddy searched his mind frantically for an idea, when one struck him. "For our next trick, my associates and I will... disappear!" With that, Ed slung his friends over each shoulder and, despite Edd's protests of how unsanitary it was and Eddy's protests that Ed forgot the jar they were using to store the proceeds from the magic show, bolted with a cry of, "Get me escape!"
"You can't run forever, dorks!" hollered Kevin.
"After I treat Jimmy, you and your stupid friends are dead meat, Ed!" added Sarah.
"'Disappear'?" said Nazz disapprovingly. "How cliche can ya get?"