An Ed, Edd, 'n' Eddy fanfic by Andy Anime
"I don't believe it!" squawked Eddy, after Ed had gotten himself and his friends to the relative safety of Eddy's room. "Not only did we nearly get lynched, but I had to leave behind all that beautiful cash..." A tear almost came to his eye, but decided to stay in hiding when Eddy snapped "Of all the rotten luck!"
"Glad to see you have your priorities in the right order, as usual, Eddy..." replied Edd in his usual post-failed-scam, "I told you so" tone of voice, "But I hardly consider it 'rotten luck' that Rolf apparently regards buttons falling into tapioca pudding to be an ill omen. It was merely an unfortunate coincidence!"
"Same thing, only with more syllables, Double Dee!" retorted Eddy. "Just hope I don't have to fight him in another stupid fish-slapping duel..." He trailed off briefly, before returning to his furor. "Ergh! Sometimes I'd swear we're cursed!"
"Tsk, tsk!" said Ed in a reprimanding tone. "Don't you know it's not polite to swear or curse, Eddy?"
Eddy only grunted in aggravation again, and sarcastically told Ed, "Give it up, Lumpy, you're no good at thinking..."
Edd sighed, and said, as he laid a reassuring hand on Ed's shoulder, "Now Eddy, how is he ever going to learn if he doesn't practice? Ed... what Eddy means is that we have a tendency towards eventual failure in our endeavors. And I can think of countless more likely reasons for that than some so-called 'curse'..."
"Spare me the lecture, Sockhead!" snapped Eddy, as he sat on his bed sulking. After some thought, Eddy sat up and said decisively, "Guys, what we need is some good luck!"
"You can't be serious, Eddy!" said Edd, almost utterly incredulous at his friend's atrocious case of selective memory. "Don't you remember the last time we tried to find a four-leaf clover? Goodness knows how I ever got talked into that irrelevant venture, but now I'm utterly convinced that recessive genes do not a good luck charm make. In fact, I'm convinced that any attempt to manipulate the probability of events in an individual's life, for good or for ill, is utterly futile!"
Ed stared blankly, stupified as usual by Edd's use of obscure words with more than two syllables. "Do not back up, severe tire damage!" he suddenly said with a grin.
"Mind running that by us again, Sockhead, in English?" Eddy quipped, just as confused as Ed, and even more annoyed than before.
Edd shook his head with dismay, and went on, "What I'm trying to say, gentlemen (and I use the term loosely, as always), is that there is no such thing as luck!"
Eddy and Ed both stared at Edd, as if he had just said something along the lines of "The sky is green" or "I don't really like jawbreakers that much". Then Eddy let out a derisive laugh. "Yeah, good one, Double-Dee! If there's no luck, then how come our scams almost never pan out?"
"Like I said, Eddy, I've got a modest list of reasons for that. If you'd care me to read you a few selections..." Edd said as he produced a large sheet of paper that unrolled into a list at least five feet long.
"Save it for late night, Letterman!" snapped Eddy, grabbing Edd's list from his hands, rolling it up sloppily, and carelessly tossing it over his shoulder. He tried to think of another argument for his side. "Well, what about Jimmy? How come he's always getting himself hurt?"
Edd smirked, and replied, "Aside from his physical frailty and apparent lack of coordination, paired with the rough-playing tendencies of some of the other kids in the neighborhood? I can't imagine why..."
Eddy stared Edd in the face. "That was sarcasm, wasn't it?" he said accusingly. Then he backed up a bit, and sniped ineffectively, "You think you're so smart, don't you?"
"I am the brains of the outfit, after all..." Edd replied, glad to have outdone Eddy in a battle of wits for once.
Unbeknownst to Edd, Eddy was once again cooking up a scheme in the unwashed back-burner of his brain. "Well, I think the angry mob should have calmed down by now, so why don't we go out and test that theory? Ed?" With a snap of his fingers, Eddy had Edd securely in the clutches of Ed. Edd let out a squeak of fright as he was lifted bodily over the head of Ed, but had time to correct Eddy's poor word usage. "I believe you mean hypothesis..." he said sourly.
"Yeah, whatever, sockhead!" replied Eddy, not really paying attention to Edd. "I'm gonna show you once and for all that bad luck does exist! Then I'm gonna rub it in your face!"
"Well, Eddy, we'll just see how your little experiment goes..." said Edd. "This should be an interesting educational experience in the scientific method for the both of you!"
Making a face upon hearing Edd's favorite word, "educational", (which was one of Eddy's least favorite words, right up there with "refund"), Eddy replied "Boy, Double-Dee, hearing that almost makes me want to forget this whole thing, but why let go of a perfectly good grudge? Let's go, burrhead!" Eddy skipped out the door, with Ed close behind, and Edd almost getting his head struck against the frame of Eddy's back door. "Mind my head, Ed, would you?" reprimanded Edd.
Ed laughed, and vacantly replied, "Albatross!"
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Edd looked in disbelief at the first challenge Ed and Eddy had placed before him. "A ladder?"
Eddy smirked back, rubbing his hands together. "You better believe it! Everyone knows it's bad luck to walk under a ladder! So, if you're so convinced there's no such thing as bad luck, just stroll this way, smart guy..."
"Come on down, Double-Dee!" seconded Ed. "You're the next contestant on..." Eddy promptly shut Ed up with an elbow to the gut.
Edd turned his gaze back to the aluminum step ladder set up before him. "Honestly, I don't know where people come up with this stuff!" As he strolled underneath the ladder, Edd went on, "The only possible way misfortune could befall you from walking under a ladder is if something placed atop the ladder was accidentally or intentionally dropped on you, and I'm noticing a conspicuous absence of heavy objects atop this particular... yoop!" Here he was cut off with a yell as he tripped over a small rock, heretofore unnoticed, and fell flat on his face.
As he lifted his face from the turf, Edd heard a chorus of barely contained snickering and guffaws from the direction of Ed and Eddy. "What'd I tell ya, sockhead?" said Eddy. "Bad luck already!"
Edd glowered at his like-named friend, and came back with "A single mishap is not the same as 'bad luck', Eddy... that could have... ack!" Again he tripped over a rock, the very same one as before. Ignoring his friends' laughter, which had progressed to full-grown chortles by this point, Edd continued, "As I was saying, that could have happened to... agh!" Again, Edd was flat on his face, having tripped over another rock not too far from the first one. "...Anyone..." he managed to finish, weakly.
"But it didn't! It happened to you!" retorted Eddy, dissolving into helpless laughter.
"Once, twice, three times a lady, yet!" seconded Ed, with a snicker and a snort.
"I remain unconvinced, Eddy," stated Edd, picking himself up off the ground, and dusting himself off. Ignoring the fact that his shirt was covered in grass stains, he said, "Perhaps more testing is required?"
"You're testin' my patience, Einstein..." grumbled Eddy. Truth be told, he was, maybe, possibly, made just slightly nervous at how suddenly Edd's bad luck had set in, but was able to shake it off at the thought of Edd mangling himself some more in the interests of 'science'. "But if you say so..."
"Follow the yellow brick road!" said Ed, as he dragged Edd bodily to the next 'test'.
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Edd grimaced. Ed's basement seemed to be getting progressively messier and more disorganized every time he saw it. His inner neat freak was practically begging for relief from the mucky, mildewy confines of what passed for Ed's bedroom. But here he stood, waiting and watching as Ed risked life and limb in the horrid pit of clutter that was his closet. Its confines were almost as anathema to Eddy as they were to Edd, with its piles of unwashed clothes, half-eaten foodstuffs lost under bizarre molds and fungi, some of which Edd was almost certain had never been catalogued by man...
Suddenly, Edd's train of thought "Get the lead out, Lumpy! There's gotta be one in that morass somewhere!" snapped Eddy, whose thin patience was growing thinner by the minute.
"Morass, Eddy?" said Edd, with just a hint of snideness. "Good to see you're expanding your vocabulary. You even managed to pronounce it correctly!"
"Stuff it Sockhead, I..." began Eddy, but he was cut off by Ed.
"Behold!" said Ed, brandishing what appeared to be a worn-out old umbrella. "Look upon my works, ye minty, and disparage!" he added, melodramatically swinging the umbrella about like a sword.
Edd promptly interrupted Ed before he could butcher Shelley's 'Ozymandias' any further. "Let me guess: you wish me to open that rusted apparatus you call an umbrella indoors and see if any further misfortune befalls me?"
"Boy Double-Dee" said Eddy, dripping with sarcasm, "you really are a genius." Taking the umbrella from Ed, he shoved it in front of Edd's face, waving it enticingly. "Come on, go for it! You know you want to..."
Edd let out an annoyed groan, and took the umbrella from Eddy. "I only 'want to', in order to... erf!" He grunted with effort as he tried to open the rusty umbrella. "...in order to show you the futility of trying to... ergh... improve one's 'luck'... argh!"
"Need a little help there, Mr. Macho?" said Eddy sarcastically.
Panting with exertion, Edd shot an annoyed glance at Eddy. "In case you've forgotten, Eddy, it is I that must open the umbrella?" Returning to his efforts, he added, "Besides, while my reputation... urf... as an unathletic individual is well-deserved... ergh... I think even Ed would be hard-pressed to open..." Suddenly, with a sound somewhere between a pop and a snap, the umbrella flung open, releasing a few clouds of dust. Edd gasped for air, stumbling over a petrified sweater and landing on his back in a pile of sweatsocks. As Edd's senses cleared, he realized what he was in contact with. "Ed's... dirty... laundry..." he murmured. Then, with a shriek of terror, he jumped to his feet and ran for the door, screaming "Soap! I need soap!", still clutching the old umbrella. That soon proved to be a mistake, as the edges of the umbrella caught on the door frame, and Edd was once again flung to the ground as he lost his grip on the umbrella and inertia did its work.
Eddy and Ed watched Edd lying helplessly, Ed staring dumbfounded and Eddy laughing uncontrollably. "The force is not with you, Double Dee," Ed stated matter-of-factly.
"Oh, man!" said Eddy, doubling up at the sight of the prone Edd, "I've never seen you spazzed out this much, Double-Dee! If that ain't bad luck, I don't know what is!"
Edd was about to reprimand Eddy, but before he could utter a word, there was an ominous series of thumps, as if a small angry person was running down the stairs, and the door to the basement flung open to reveal a very irritated Sarah. "ED!" she bellowed as she stomped down the staircase towards the severely frightened Ed. "You and your idiot friends had better keep it down, or I'll...!" Suddenly noticing Edd, still on the floor, she looked delighted. "Oh, Double-Dee!" she said, voice full of mock-concern. "Are you alright?"
"Well, to tell the truth, I think I'll be..." said Edd, but he was interrupted yet again by Sarah.
"You look like you just took a bad spill!" she said, grabbing Edd by the hand. "Well, don't worry! Jimmy's leg is doing fine, so now I have time to look after you too! Let's go play Doctor!" Before Edd could protest, she dragged him up the stairs and slammed the door behind her.
Ed looked on in shock. "Sarah? Playing with Double-Dee?" he said, voice filling with horror. "Oh, the huge mannequin!" he finally said, clutching his head in despair.
Eddy just shrugged. "Tell me about it. I told him there was such a thing as bad luck... come on, let's go wait upstairs for Queen Brat the First to finish with her latest plaything..."
But as Eddy headed for the stairs, Eddy found himself grabbed and hoisted bodily over Ed's head. "We must liberate our comrade!" yelled Ed, dashing up the stairs. "Don't worry, Double-Dee, we're on a mission from Bob!"
"Whatever, Ed..." said Eddy, hoping that Ed was in for more pain than himself.
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AUTHOR'S NOTE: Boy, that ran a bit longer than the last chapter... Sorry for the delay folks, but I was debating for a while whether or not to end it here. The hijinks will continue as Edd's luck gets worse before it gets better in Part 3: The Curse Gets Worse, (hopefully) coming soon!