An Ed, Edd 'n' Eddy fanfic by Andy Anime
AUTHOR'S NOTE:Again, I'd like to apologize for the long-overdue update, in advance this time. Thanks for all the feedback, both positive and critical. Anyway, let's check up on everyone's favorite Ed-Boys...
If Edd hadn't been in bad shape after falling over in Ed's basement, he most certainly was after Sarah had dragged him up two flights of stairs by his ankles. He was seriously beginning to rethink his position on the whole "luck" thing... But then he realized that Sarah was opening the door to her room. "Let me just get you set up," she said, "Then I'll change into my scrubs and we can run some of those nifty diagnostic test thingies! Won't that be neat?" Sarah said rhetorically, giving a manic grin that caused Edd to cringe.
"Um, well, I..." Edd said, still aching from the long journey up the stairs, when he heard what sounded like a stampede of panicky elephants, but realized it was just Ed and Eddy. His relief was short-lived, however, as Ed and Eddy each grabbed an arm and tried to wrench him from the grip of Sarah.
"Hey, let go of my patient!" Sarah snapped, yanking harder on Edd' s ankles in retaliation. Edd could almost feel his vertebrae being pulled apart.
"We saw him first, pipsqueak!" Eddy replied brusquely, as he and Ed tugged at Edd's arms, nearly dislocating his shoulders.
"Yeah? Well I saw him second, and two's a bigger number!" Sarah retorted, giving another pull and causing Edd to yelp in pain.
Ed grimaced mornfully, and pleaded with his tempermental kid sister, "Please spare him, Beloved and Tolerated Giver of Unpleasantness! For the love of humidity!"
"Forget it, Ed!" snapped Sarah, yanking hard. Edd let out another pained squawk, and managed to gasp, "I think... those were my knees..."
Realizing they were getting nowhere, Eddy nudged Ed, and the two of them let go just as Sarah started yanking again. She stumbled backwards, and Edd flew like a rubber band, albiet a geeky-looking, screaming rubber band, into Sarah's room. Sarah got back to her feet and grabbed Ed by the collar. "Ed! Tell your stupid friend to let me and Double-Dee play in peace, or I'll shove your feet so far up your nose they'll come out your ears!" For good measure, she added "And then I'll tell Mom who tried to grease Dad's lawnmower with tomato paste!"
Ed was promptly cowed, as always, by Sarah's threatened one-two punch of physical violence and blackmail, and let out a feeble squeak. Eddy was less easily intimidated, if only because of sheer bullheadedness. He shoved the stunned Ed out of the way and bellowed at Sarah, "You don't scare me, Twerpzilla! Now fork over Double-Dee or suffer the consequences!"
"Make me!" Sarah snapped back, staring Eddy in the eyes, neither flinching or giving ground. Edd, in the meantime, had regained conciousness, and saw the precarious situation at hand. Realizing better than Eddy that Sarah was sure to come out on top in a physical confrontation, Edd managed to get to his feet and stagger forward. "N-now now, ladies and gentlemen..." he stammered, still reeling with pain from the earlier unsolicited session of amateur chiropractics, "I'm sure we can come to a peaceable agree..."
Here he was cut short by the distinctive sound of tinkling glass. "...ment..." He finished lamely, appending an "Oh my..." as he looked at the others. Eddy and Ed flinched at the sound, and began backing out of the room slowly, while Sarah glared at Edd with a mix of shock and despair on her face. Almost afraid of what he might see, Edd looked down in horror as he saw where he'd put his foot: right on top of a hand mirror that had been left on the floor. An obvious fracture ran through the glass, but Edd's mind stubbornly pushed aside any superstitious undertones in an effort to devote its full capacities to dealing with the more immediate danger of having damaged Sarah's personal property.
"Um, Sarah," he began, sweating bullets, "my sincerest and most heartfelt apologies, I'll gladly pay to replace..."
But before Edd could get another word out, Sarah slammed the door in Ed and Eddy's faces, her despair turning to rage as she grabbed Edd by the shirt collar and half-throttled him. "Double-Dee, you KLUTZ! Do you have ANY idea how LONG I had to save my allowance to BUY that mirror?!" she bellowed in his face, forcing him to quite literally hold on to his hat.
Edd's only reply was, "You're going to hurt me now, aren't you?"
Sarah grinned evilly, and drew her fist back, nodding in affirmation. Edd felt, before the first blow left him too stunned to allow coherent thought, he should be relieved, as any bad luck the broken mirror would cause him would be over more quickly the sooner it started.
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Ed and Eddy grimaced and flinched as they heard the sounds of Sarah beating the ever-loving snot out of Edd, and Edd's pained screams. After what seemed like hours, the door to Sarah's room opened a crack, enough to allow Edd to be flung out bodily. As it slammed shut again, Edd hit the stairs, tumbled down them, and collided with an end table, which caused a precariously-balanced brass planter to fall over and hit him in the head.
Ed scrambled down the stairs, Eddy hot on his heels, and rushed to Edd's side. "Double-Dee?" he said, voice full of concern. "Speak to me, little buddy! Say something!"
An obviously dazed Edd tried to shake his head clear, but was just able to incoherently mumble "Hagnash... fanurf... fhqwhgads..."
This seemed to cheer Ed up a bit. He grabbed the prone Edd and held him before Eddy proudly. "I think he's gonna make it, Eddy! He's still using big words that I do not understand!"
Sounds more like Rolf that Double-Dee to me, thought Eddy. Shaking Double-Dee into full conciousness, an annoyed look on his face, he barked, "Way to go, sockhead! No thanks to you, Sarah's mad at us for the second time today, and Ed's probably gonna get grounded again, all 'cause you had to go and get yourself jinxed!"
With a grunt of annoyance, Edd made one last-ditch effort to stand his ground. "Eddy, I told you, there's..." But before he could get started in earnest, he realized he was making the grevious mistake of emulating Eddy's stubborness, and gave a defeated sigh. "Oh, who am I kidding?" he rambled, "The events of the day have definitely gone beyond the realms of coincidence! Curse my unthinking skepticism... what was I thinking? Science is a dynamic art, not static! New discoveries are made, old discoveries are discarded or adapted, and here I am adamantly believing that superstitions of old had no place in..."
"That's our Double-Dee!" Ed interrupted cheerfully. "I can't understand a thing he says, and I wouldn't have it any other way!"
Eddy gave Ed a look, and mumbled half-heartedly "Yeah, whatever Ed." Before Edd could get started again, he added snappishly, "Enough goofing around with dramatic monologues and stuff! We gotta find a way to fix Sockhead's bad luck!"
"I know what we can do, Eddy!" said Ed helpfully. "We can take Edd back to my place and perform the Great Exorcism of the Five Chartreuse Oysters, like in Baron Samedi's Voodoo Clam Bake! We just need some candles, a beach towel, a really big knife, and lotsa tartar sauce!" Ed hopped from one foot to another excitedly, as he prattled on, "Oh, and me and you can dress up like the High Priest and Priestess and do the Samba of the Apocalypse under the stars!"
Eddy stared incredulously at Ed, and made a face. "I told ya, Lumpy, I ain't that kinda guy! Get with the program!"
"Um, may I interject here?" piped Edd, who was growing tired of being held up by Ed. "Perhaps if insipid rituals that cause bad luck worked, what we need are insipid rituals that cause good luck?"
Eddy grinned, and said "Double-Dee, you amaze me yet again! Let's move 'em out, Lumpy!"
"Where we going, Eddy?" Ed asked as he hefted Edd over his shoulder again, accidentally causing his toque-topped compatriot to bang his head against the wall.
"Back to my place, Ed!" Eddy explained, "We need some heavy ammo in the war on Double-Dee's unlucky streak!"
That has to be the worst metaphor I've ever heard, Edd thought, trying to ignore the stabbing pain in his cranium.
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Without further incident (outside of Edd banging his head a few more times), the Eds were back at Eddy's house. This time they were up in the clutter of Eddy's attic, where Eddy was searching through various trunks and boxes.
"And what exactly are we looking for up here, Eddy?" Edd asked. "Don't tell me your parents..."
Eddy interrupted by putting a hand up to Edd's face, which Edd promptly ran into, causing him to fall over into a pile of boxes. "Nah, they ain't Mom and Dad's! I know I put 'em... a-ha!" With a smug expression, Eddy suddenly produced with a flourish an old shoe box marked "Good Luck (Emergencies Only!)", holding it triumphantly over his head. "My brother's secret supply of good luck charms! For situations like these..."
Ed was distracted from his rummaging through a collection of records (one of which he was wearing as a hat) and goggled in amazement. "Ooh, let me see! Your brother has such cool stuff, Eddy! Does he have any eye of newt, or maybe a toenail clipping from a lounge singer!"
Ed reached for the box, but Eddy nimbly ducked out of his way and brought the box over to Edd, who was just getting to his feet. "Get real, burrhead, this stuff's for Double-Dee!" Handing it to Edd, Eddy smirked, "Go wild, sockhead!"
Incredulous, Edd opened the box, pulling out the various items one by one. First came a dried out four-leaf clover, which fell apart as Edd held it up between his fingers. Then came a mildewed and obviously synthetic rabbit's foot keychain, that only gave Edd a painful scratch from one of its plastic claws as he turned it over in his hands. Wincing from the pain, Edd next produced a rusty horseshoe, which almost promptly slipped out of his grip and landed on his foot. Ignoring the pain as stoically as he could, Edd gasped, "I think maybe your brother's lucky charms are a bit... antiquated..."
Eddy, far less patient that Edd, grimaced in annoyance. "Still unlucky? What a gyp! My bro said these charms worked like a... well, charm!"
"Well," said Edd, after finally thinking to remove the horseshoe from his foot, "Your brother is reportedly a 'whiz' at messing with your head... maybe there's some other method?"
"Oh, oh, I know, I know!" Ed shouted eagerly, waving a finger in the air that nearly poked Edd's eye out as it was raised. "For real this time, guaranteed to work or your money back!"
Eddy rolled his eyes, "Alright, Ed, I'll bite... what is it?"
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Later, at the playground, as the final preperations were made for Ed's "cure", Eddy grinned. Even if this didn't work, he thought, it was definetly worth the laughs.
"Here, hold this!" Ed said as he balanced a potted plant in Edd's outstretched palm. Between that, the broom balanced handle-first in Edd's other hand, the assorted silverware Edd was holding between his teeth, and the bucket of whipped cream balanced atop his head, it was a wonder the Eds' most uncoordinated member could stand up, let alone stand on one foot balanced atop a cinder block.
Ed stepped back to admire his handiwork, and gave a satisfied smile. "A true masterpiece," he boasted with a nod, "with a stunning h'ors d'oeurve and a style that captures the gallbladder!"
Edd would have said "That's really something I'd expect Eddy to say," but he was busy trying to whistle "Red River Valley" through his nose at Ed's instruction. He was also having the sneaking suspicion that this "cure" was the end-product of one of Ed's flights of fancy.
Eddy, who was harboring similar thoughts, decided to voice them. "You sure this is gonna work, Ed?" he asked semi-rhetorically.
Ed smirked at his Doubting Thomas friend, and said "Do pigs fly? I saw a guy do something like this on TV for five minutes, and his lucked improved expositionally! He even won a trip to Bermuda!"
"TV, Ed?" said Eddy, in a tone that made it clear his skepticism was skyrocketing. Stifling a guffaw, he asked, "That wouldn't have happened to have been on 'Real Imitation Ultimate Premiere Elimination Challenge', would it?"
He winced as Ed gave him a playful poke on the forehead. "Right on the monkey, Eddy! You're really on the ball today, mister."
Edd gave a groan of annoyance, and spat out the various forks and spoons in his mouth. "Ex-CUSE me?!" he shouted in an uncharacteristically snappish tone. "You mean to tell me I've been wasting my time with this insipid balancing act because of Ed's undue obsession with reality TV?! This is an outrage! I..." Edd was cut off with a yelp as he lost both his focus and his balance, and tumbled to the ground, where everything he had still been holding somehow landed on him one by one. "There's only one way this day could possibly get any worse..." he muttered, when that "one way" happened.
"Hey, Double-Dreamboat!" bellowed a gravelly, but still female, voice, as the beehive-topped visage of Lee Kanker entered his field of vision. "You dropped the silverware!"
"Looks like you've got company!" added May, who joined her sister in obscuring Edd's view, as did Marie Kanker.
"You don't look so good, Sweet-Meat!" said Marie with a giggle. "Looks like you need some lovin', in fact!"
As the Kankers started making kissy-faces, Edd let out a scream of horror and managed to crawl away and get to his feet. "KANKERS!" he squawked deleriously. "RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!" But he saw that Ed and Eddy had already had the same idea, and were already making their way out of the park. He promptly made an effort to catch up, the lovesick sisters hot on his heels.
"You can run, but you can't get away, lover-boy!" shouted Lee tauntingly as she and her sisters chased Edd. As adrenaline-fueld and full of blind terror as he was, Edd was making a surprisingly good turn of speed, and might have gotten away under normal circumstances.
But, horror of horrors, he tripped over the very same rock he'd repeatedly tripped over before, during the Eds' earlier experiment with walking under a ladder! Right before he blacked out from pure fear mingled with a minor concussion, the Kankers pounced upon him and dragged him off bodily for a little full-contact tonsil hockey.
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Ed and Eddy, meanwhile, hadn't stopped running until they got back to Eddy's house and were hiding beneath Eddy's bed. After about ten or fifteen minutes of that, Ed came to a realization.
"Eddy," gasped Ed, as he struggled to recover his breath, "we forgot Double-Dee! Surely the Kankers are visiting unspeakable horrors upon our chapless comrade in arms!" he wailed melodramatically.
"That's his problem!" snapped Eddy. "Those banshees'll throw him back when they're done toying with him, hopefully..." Trying not to sound too concerned, he added, "We should be so lucky..." under his breath, when there came a knock at the back door. A surprisingly musical and whimsical knock...
Ed and Eddy crawled out from beneath Eddy's bed, and Eddy peeked out through a crack in the door, when who of all people should step in but Johnny, with a shout of "Hey Eddy! Did you drop this?" With that, he brusquely sauntered in, his constant compatriot Plank held in one hand, and a bedraggled Edd trailing behind him as the other gripped his shirt collar.
"Double-Dee!" Ed shouted in delight, as he grabbed the wayward member of the Ed-trio from Johnny's grip and gave him a big hug. "You are the wind beneath my drumsticks, Johnny!" he said by way of thanks.
"Save yer thanks for Plank, Ed!" said Johnny modestly, holding up the grinning piece of wood. "He's the one who lead me to Double-Dee... we found him huddled in the alleyway, muttering something about lip gloss... ain't he weird?"
It didn't take much more than close contact with Ed's underwashed body to bring Edd back to consciousness. Bringing him to his senses was another matter, as Edd promptly began babbling, with only a trace of coherence, "Kankers... everywhere... oh, the horror! The gross violations of personal space and dating etiquette! The..." Realizing he was still too close to Ed for comfort, he broke off by asking, "Ed, would you mind releasing me?"
Ed obeyed, and Edd went on as he dropped to his feet, "This is madness! I can't even go outdoors without the risk of grevious bodily harm! Gentlemen, our little foray into the realms of fortune has gone horribly astray!"
Eddy flinched, as he had an idea of where this was leading. "My only chance," Edd continued, "is to hide out here and hope nothing fatal strikes me!"
That did it. "Forget it, Sockhead!" snapped Eddy. "You ain't sleeping over here again, not after the last time we played 'roommates'! Go hide out in your own darn room!"
Johnny just sat back with Plank and watched the banter. "This is better than watching Mom's soaps, huh buddy?" he rhetorically asked of his compatriot. Nodding at the unheard response, Johnny added "You said it! All we need now is for one of them to turn out to be the other's long lost twin or somethin'!"
"But Eddy," gasped Edd, paranoia filling his voice, "Think of the dangers that could be lurking! Sidewalk cracks that could do irreperable harm to Mother's lumbar vertebrae! Black cats ready to cross my path at a moment's notice! Salt to be spilled, ladybugs to be squashed, beds to get out of the wrong side on! The forces of Murphy's Law are out there, I tell you, planning their next strike as we speak!"
Edd would have continued, had Ed not grabbed him by the shoulders and shaken some sense into him. "Hold your mustard, Double-Dee! We will protect you from those forces of bad luck, even if that Murphy guy does send his lawyers!"
"I appreciate your attempts to reassure me, Eddy," said Edd morosely, "But I'm afraid my bad luck is here to stay for the duration..."
"Did you say bad luck, Edd?" said Johnny, sticking his face in Edd's. "Plank and I know the perfect cure!"
"Cure?" said Edd, breaking into a forced grin that bordered on a rictus. "Do tell..."
Holding up Plank before Edd's face, Johnny stated, "Just knock on wood! Plank says 'Gimme your best shot!'"
"Well, I've tried everything else," Edd said to himself, and he rapped lightly on the proffered Plank, only to get a nasty splinter in his knucle.
"Wow, now that's what I call bad luck!" Johnny said matter of factly as Edd began running around the room yelling his head off. "Have you tried a four-leaf clover?"
"Yep," replied Eddy flatly.
"How 'bout a rabbit's foot?"
"Tried it," came the reply from Eddy.
"A horseshoe?"
"Tried it."
"How 'bout standing on one foot atop a cinder block with a bucket of whipped cream on your head while balancing a broom in one hand and a potted plant in the other, and holding silverware between your teeth while whistling cowboy songs through your nose?" (How oddly specific, thought Edd, between pained screams.)
"That one was mine!" said Ed proudly. "But it didn't work either," he added sadly.
Johnny scratched his crew-cut head thoughtfully, and shrugged. "Sorry, I'm fresh out! Only other thing I can think of is Rolf."
"Rolf?" said Edd, who had finally calmed down enough to get the splinter out.
"Rolf?!" said Eddy, not enjoying the thought of seeing the weirdest guy in the neighborhood again, especially after freaking him out earlier.
"Rolf!" shouted Ed with glee. "That's the best idea since sliced bread! He's got all sorts of cool home remedies for zits and stuff!"
"You read my mind, Ed!" said Johnny with a laugh. "If Rolf can't get rid of Double-Dee's bad luck, no one can!"
I'm desperate, thought Edd, but am I that desperate? "Well, I suppose there's no alternative..."
Eddy, on the other hand, was warming up to the idea rapidly. At first he could only remember what he'd gone through the last time he went to Rolf for one of his old home remedies. But the thought of Edd going through roughly the same thing was too much to resist. Grabbing Ed and Edd by their respective arms, he practically dragged them off with him, shoving Johnny out the door on the way. "So, what are we waiting for? Let's go pay a visit to everyone's favorite token foreigner!" Punting Johnny into the bushes, Eddy added rudely, "Except you, fathead, you've served your purpose. Now go hug a tree or something..." as he and his friends sauntered off.
Johnny scowled after Eddy, and said to Plank, "Geez, buddy, you try to help somebody and they drop-kick you into a shrub! How do you like that?" Trying to put it behind him, he added with a chuckle, "No offense, of course! Let's go find some bugs to stare at!"
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(Whew, another long one! And maybe a bit rushed in places, I admit... but I ran out of ideas for good luck rituals. Well, thanks again for all your responses, and your patience! Coming soon, with any luck, is the aptly-named grand finale, Part 4: "Worse Than The Disease?")